02x03 - It's Britney, b*tch

[bunniefuu]

Today was a momentous day.

For the first time
in Lady Parts' herstory,

we were not sisters
speaking our truths,

expressing our woman rage,

exploring our intersectional
individuality.

We were mercenaries.
Hired-g*ns.

We were wedding singers.

Okay, okay, okay, this is
Saira, she's the leader.

She's the leader.
And Bisma is on bass.

AMINA:
It was Uncle Steve's wedding,

and he was a die-hard
Lady Parts fan.

Steve was at every gig.

Bought all our merch.

He liked that we were
"underground."

Read: unsuccessful.

Okay.
We just get through this,

get the money,
and get out of here.

Yes.
Mm-hm.

We're doing this for the album.
For the album.

Let's go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I think I did it again ♪

♪ I made you believe
We're more than just friends ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ It might seem like a crush ♪

♪ But it doesn't mean
That I'm serious ♪

♪ 'Cause to lose all my senses ♪

♪ That is just
So typically me ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oops, I did it again ♪

♪ I played with your heart
Got lost in the game ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oops, you think I'm in love ♪

♪ That I'm sent from above ♪

♪ I'm not that innocent ♪

♪ You see, my problem is this ♪

♪ I'm dreaming away ♪

♪ Wishing that heroes
They truly exist ♪

♪ I cry, watching the days ♪

♪ Can't you see I'm a fool
In so many ways ♪

♪ 'Cause to lose all my senses ♪

♪ That is just so typically me ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oops, I did it again ♪

♪ I played with your heart
Got lost in the game ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oops, you think I'm in love ♪

♪ That I'm sent from above ♪

♪ I'm not that innocent ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah ♪

[IN HIGH VOICE]
"All aboard. Uh--
Uh, Britney, before you go--"

"Oh, it's beautiful,
but, wait. Isn't this--?"

[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Yeah, yeah, it is."

[IN HIGH VOICE]
"But I thought the old lady

dropped it in the ocean
at the end."

[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Well, baby. I went down
and got it for you."

"Aw, you shouldn't have."
"Shouldn't have."

♪ Oops, I did it again
To your heart ♪

♪ Got lost in this game
Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oops, you think that
I'm sent from above ♪

♪ I'm not that innocent ♪

[CHEERING]

[WEDDING PARTY CONTINUES
IN DISTANCE]

I was hoping we might get
some "Voldemort"

or some "Bashir"
tonight.

Yeah, well, they've got
a strict "no originals" policy,

so Britney all the way.

Shame. Yeah, Celine keeps Steve
on a pretty tight leash.

I really enjoyed your gig
at the Garage last month.

I actually tried to catch you
after, but you'd all run off.

Late-night donut craving.
Ah, fair.

You shouldn't be
doing this.

I mean, you're Lady Parts.
You're not a wedding band.

Yeah, well, money ain't free,
so here we are.

I can help.

Hm.

I've been managing bands
for 20 years.

Cool. But we've got
a band manager.

Uh-- Oh, I get it. Your-- Your
mate's your manager, right?

[CHUCKLES]
That is sweet.

Don't-- Don't get me wrong.
I remember those early days.

I get it, really.

[SIGHS]
But if you do decide
to get serious,

you know,
you've got my card.

Yeah, we are serious.

No, I mean serious
like a six-figure,

four-album record deal,
opening for, say, Le Tigre

on their world tour,
playing the festival circuit...

that kind of serious.

And you think you can
make that happen for us?

I wouldn't have creepily
stalked you up here

if I didn't, would I?

You've got my card.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

White boy, huh?
Plot twist.

He's a fellow musician.
We are people of music.

Have you made sweet, sweet
music together yet?

Once. At his folk night.
It meant nothing.

Are you seriously interested
in him?

[THINKING]
Hm. I don't know.

I mean, Noor was mad judgey
about a date with Billy,

but was she right?
Would it even work?

Also, people talk.
"Oh, she's dating a white boy,

she must hate herself and be
complicit in white supremacy."

[GASPS]
What if he expects
something more from this date?

Something beyond
my halal-limitations?

Oi, inner monologue.
Share the wealth.

Uh, what was the question?

Hat Boy. You feeling his vibe?
Digging his flow?

[SIGHS]
I might dig it.

I'm exploring.
An exploratory dig.

[SCOFFS]

[PLAYING SLOW TUNE]

Hm.
[SIGHS]

You feel the sustain
on that?
Mm.

It's lovely.
Lovely.

Mm.
Hm.

Swapsies?
Yeah.

[GRUNTS]
Wow.

Nice.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Oh...

Hoo-hoo!
[CHUCKLES]

Nah.

Amina, you and me,
we should get together.

Sorry, what?

Start a band.
Oh, right. Yeah.

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
Band.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
Yeah.

AMINA:
See? This was fine,
totally fine.

I mean, look at
the distance between us.

A couple of decent halal
meters right there.

Permissible A.F.

For Ayesha, her situation was
significantly less than fine.

It was Defcon One:
Meet the parents.

You're looking lovely, Ayesha.

Yeah, ma'am, uh, made an effort
and that for you lads.

Um, yeah, uh, just wanted
to say thanks

for letting us use the house.
Uh, it really saved the band.

It was our pleasure.
We adore Lady Parts.

♪ Bashir
With the good beard ♪

♪ You're so pretty, you're so
Pretty, you're so pretty ♪

[CHUCKLES]
♪ Voldemort's alive ♪

♪ And he's under my headscarf ♪

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Cool.

[LAUGHING]
Guys, please.

Your parents
must be so proud.

Yeah, man,
um, they're cool.

Uh, they like my sh*t online,
uh, sometimes--

Sometimes my dad
reposts it.

Oh, that's good.
You never know with parents.

My dad hated
my saxophone.

"Jazz is for heroin addicts,"
he'd say.

Extremely small minded.

Grandpa is still in denial
about me.

He's always like,
"Have you met a nice boy yet?"

We, on the other hand,
knew before you did.

No, you didn't!
Oh, it was so cute.

She was so nervous
coming out to us, all scared,

as though we didn't
know already.

You didn't know!
Oh, love,

it was hardly a surprise

with all those Maria Sharapova
posters on your wall.

[CHUCKLES]
Thanks, Mum.

How was it for you?
How was what?

Coming out
to your parents?

Uh...

God, you're so intrusive.
Let's just leave it.

Sorry, love. Everyone's on
their own journey.

You'll do it
whenever it's right for you.

Yeah. Yeah, it's-- It's--

It's really hard
with the band right now.

Yeah?
Saira's all like:

"We need to record an album.
We need to be--

We need to be serious."
And I'm like--

I don't know,
I just love playing together.

Yeah. Well, yeah, you're a pu--
You're-- You're a purist.

Your love's not for
record deals and stadium shows,

you love making art,
you love the...

spiritual communion
of voice and instrument.

Yeah...

For being in flow,

for attaining that musical
high, that sonic orgasm.

Oh. Heh. Nice.
Oh--

Um--

That should be--

Uh, that should be
the name of our band.

Sonic Orgasm.
Sonic Orgasm.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yeah, we can fight over
who plays lead guitar.

Uh, me, obviously.

I'm Paul Simon,
you're Art Garfunkel.

Oh. Heh.

So, you're the talent
and I'm the pretty face?

Pretty much.
Yeah, well,

I would say
you're the pretty face.

And the-- And the--
And the talent too, so...

I don't know
what I'm doing here. Heh.

AMINA:
Klaxon! He said I have a pretty
face like Art Garfunkel.

Okay, so things may have
developed into mild flirting.

Perhaps a low-level simmering
could be detected,

but I'll have you note:
Distance, minimal eye-contact.

Still on that
righteous path.

Saira, it's just one more
of these jobs

and then we have enough
for the recording.

A fashion sh**t? Do you know
what fashion is? Fashion is--

"Fashion is an instrument
of the d*ck people."

Saira, we get it.
Change the record, mate.

Saira, listen,
it's one last job,

and we'll be able
to afford the studio time.

And they're a sustainable
fashion brand.

It's art. We should be artists
supporting other artists.

If anything, it's what
the manifesto delineates.

Ooh.

Fine.

Wh--? Really?

We're a serious band.
We need the studio time.

Let's support
these so-called artists.

Great.

When are these devil babies
getting here, then?

I'm hungry.
Yeah. None of that please.

It's important to me that Lady
Parts and Second Wife get along.

Momtaz Records is a place
of togetherness and connection.

So... just don't be mean.

Everyone friendly.
Mm.

I'm friendly as f*ck.
Mm-hm.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Door? Door. Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, everyone.
This is Second Wife.

Hi. Taifa. I'm Taifa.

Farah. Thanks for like,
having us.

Ali. Hi. Hm.

Mmm.

I cannot believe
we're actually meeting you.

We like,
literally love you.

Yeah, cool. Yeah.
Nice one, mate.

You--
You are a goddess.

A total q*eer icon.

Or just, you know, an icon,
but, yeah, thanks.

Saira's my second favorite.
You're my top.

Tell me she's g*y and not just
queerbaiting in all that plaid.

I don't know, maybe it's none
of your f*cking business.

Ooh, cagey,
but I get it.

It's got to be a mindfuck
for you millennials,

marinating in
all that heteronormativity.

Saira, hi. Um, big fan. Huge.

[GIGGLES] As you know.
Taifa. Uh, hi, I love you.

I knew you before they did.

Look at that.
A triangle of fangirls.

A tri-fangirl.

Nice.
Hm.

So, are you both Gen Z?

So I-- I guess
it's not true then?

What's not true?
That you and Saira are a thing.

f*ck no. Where would you--?
Who would even tell--?

What? You haven't seen
the fan fic?

It's pretty deep cut so you
have to know where to look.

Um...
Yeah, you and Saira, so hot.

Who drew this?
Some horny Picasso.

Dude, it's a watercolor.
It would be a horny Monet.

Why you always trying
to embarrass me

in front of really
cool people?

I'm not.
Yes, that was so unnecessary.

[CONTINUE ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Uh, Ayesha...

Yeah?
Is everything okay?

Mm. Mm-hm.

Yeah, songwriting lessons.
What you guys have done--

I'm sort of busy with the album,
and I'm not really a teacher.

Yes, you are. You taught Amina.
She taught Amina.

You are a teacher.
She's a teacher.

Please? I can pay you.

She needs the money.
Homeless and 30.

Thirty is young.
I am relevant.

Ooh, I can help. I'm flush
at the moment. I can pay you.

We just signed a new deal
with Sport Collect

for their next campaign.

They're this new sportswear
brand, so chic.

That is so cool.

Aw, thanks.

They're getting way more diverse
in their campaigns.

A lot more Muslim
representation.

Sport Collect, yeah?
I read about them.

Their workforce has
great Muslim representation too.

In their sweatshops,
I think

it's exclusively
Bangladeshi children.

Taifa. Uh, why don't you
come with me?

I could use your help
in the kitchen.

Yeah, sure.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Be nice.

Taifa, I just want to say
how thrilled I am

that you guys
are all here.

That you're with
Momtaz's--

Sisters together
supporting each other.

That's what it's all about.
Agreed.

This is literally
such a dream.

And you're such an inspiration.

Seeing another Black woman
in punk is rare.

So, it's cool
to see you do your thing.

Thanks, love.

[CHUCKLES]
But--

But?

I'm not saying this
to be shady, I mean...

Basically, like,
Ayesha and Saira

have way more followers
than you,

and Saira
barely posts anything

and I'm just like, that's wrong.
You're amazing.

You deserve to be
just as popular as anyone.

Uh-huh. Well, um...

And I'm thinking there's
probably an element of racism.

I mean, totally. As much as we
love our fellow Muslims,

we know racism exists within
our global Ummah too.

As Black women,
it can be a sh*t ride sometimes,

but then I'm just like, well,

I have loads
of followers so...

maybe it's partly
your whole vibe.

My whole vibe?

You know, the--
The nicey-nicey mum thing.

The thick knit,
all oversized.

It's just a bit...
unthreatening.

Mum-core.

Mum-core?

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

You shouldn't be invisible.

You deserve to be
just as popular as them.

Right. Okay. Heh.

Thank you.

[GIGGLES]

AMINA:
Well, this is me.

Uh... Oh, uh, sorry

if it was me
that made you late.

Oh, it's chill.
They're fine.

Bisma's is just round
the corner, so...

You know, you're--

You're-- You're nothing like
what I thought you'd be.

WOMAN:
--never.

[GROANS]
Tsk, tsk.

What--? Yeah, good day.

It's fine, leave it.

No, I'm sorry.
Uh-- People, man.

[SIGHS]
Sorry, do you not--

Do you not mind
all the... eyes?

All the looking?
f*ck's sake.

Yeah, I'm used to the looking.

The head gear alone
gets me eyes aplenty, so...

But I'm trying
not to care.

You know,
part of my villain era

is to not care
what people think, but,

a lifetime of hardwiring
and socialization

is hard to shake off,
but I'm trying.

[CHUCKLES]
I'm really--
I'm really trying.

But, you know, of course I care
when they look at us.

And sometimes
I'm just thinking:

"Oh, oh, oh, is it--
Is it them hating me

or is it me just projecting my
own internal self-loathing?"

So, I just-- Mm!

Sorry. I--

AMINA:
What just happened?
I couldn't cope.

And so like any grown-up would,
I did the following.

[GROANING]
Wait, Amina. Uh--

Sorry, it was just the moment.
I didn't--

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm doing a cease and desist.

How many S's in "desist?"

Taz, you have to sort this.
sort this now!

Okay, uh-- Uh--

Hi, friends.
Oh, hello, Second Wife nuts.

Howdy-doody.
I'm Amina. Heh-heh.

Hi.
Hey.
Amina.

You all right, pal?

Oh, yeah. Fine. Fine.

How was it?
How's, uh, Billy boy?

Fine. Why? It was fine.
Nothing happened.

Billy. That sounds like a white
boy. Sordid, and I love it.

No, no, no, no. It's not--
We're not-- We're not--

Oh, my God, is this the villain
era you were all on about?

You crossing the pork line
is giving me life.

[CHUCKLES]
Uh, the pork line? What?

You're on the dark side
now, huh?

[GIGGLING]
Pure Sith energy.

TAIFA:
I kinda love this for you.

I mean, the whole girl-next-door
thing kind of had its moment.

Mm-hm.
Is it, like,

a colonial overlord
dom-sub thing?

If so...
ALL: Hot.

MOMTAZ:
Uh, oh, uh, Amina, wh--

Why don't you eat something?
Hm? Okay?

Mm! So happy to hear
you guys

are doing the Yin Arts
clothing photoshoot.

We were so sad we had to pass.
Direct clash with Sport Collect.

But we're so happy
it worked out for you guys.

AMINA:
Taking Second Wife's
sloppy seconds.

Is that what we had
been reduced to?

But what choice did we have?

Lady Parts, welcome.

AMINA:
So, here we were.
Yin Arts clothing photoshoot.

This was the last
paid job we needed

before we could afford
the recording.

We should have been excited,

but we were all
a little jangly.

You each have a rail of clothes
selected for you.

Please, explore
your individual rails,

feel into them,
and we can get started.

Hm.
[CHUCKLES]

Okay.
Mm-hm!

SAIRA:
You know what Taifa says to me?

Can I teach her?
Teach her? Rude, right?

I am not some fusty
old retired music teacher,

I am an artist in my prime.

Saira--
Come on, she didn't mean it.

She worships you.
Know what she said to me then?

"I can pay you."
"I'm flush," she says.

What am I
supposed to say to that?

"That's nice.
Well, I'm poor, homeless

and sleeping
on my friend's floor?"

Don't take it personally. Wh--

Why don't you try something on?
Hm?

Chelle. What do you
want me to wear?

Barbie at the ready.
Dress me up.

'Kay, let's see. Oh, heh, sorry.
Sorry. Excuse me?

If you could just not do that.
That's a one of a kind pieces.

Yeah, sorry, mate.

Here, I'll help. Okay.
Thank you. Yeah, please.

AMINA:
Oh, dear lord.
So much bare arm.

Was this how they saw me?
Tight-fitted?

Did they know
of my transgression?

That I had kissed
a non-believer.

How could they possibly know?

Uh, excuse me?
Excuse me, Chelle? Hi, hello.

Uh, sorry, this is all a little,
heh, out there for me?

Uh, I don't know
who you think I am,

but I'm not a bare-arm
kind of girl, okay?

Is that-- Is that what
you think? Hm? Hm?

Um, no. No, uh, the idea
is that we layer. Layering.

Layering, right, yeah.
Yeah.

But it's all so tight fitted,

so how could I layer it without
everything being even tighter?

Oh! Um...
Question. Hi, hello.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
Um, everything on my rail

is sort of, I don't know,
loose-fitted.

Is that-- Is-- Is that--
Why-- Why is that?

Oversized is a style.
I do a lot of oversized, so...

Ah, okay, heh, understood.

Follow-up question:

Why-- Why have I got
all the oversized options

when everybody else's
is more tight-fitted?

Uh--
Ooh. Oh, yes.

I could do a bit of this.
I love baggy. I do baggy.

Uh, no--
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Sorry. No, we've pulled pieces
and complete looks for you.

Oh, sorry, this is all
thought out.

Saira, Ayesha, let's--

Let's get you guys out to sh**t
something, why don't we?

Yeah, no, I'll just powder them.
[HUFFS]

Final touches before you--

Oh!
What? No.

Uh, okay.

Ooh!

Ladies.

[SIGHS]
I feel like an idiot.

Yeah, well, you look like one,
so the shoe fits.

Okay, uh,

could we try standing
a bit closer to each other?

Listen, I-I just I feel like
I've got all the mumsie stuff.

My work's not mumsie.

No. Heh.
No. Not at all.

I-- Fine.

AMINA:
This is practically spray on.

Who do they think I am?

Just 'cause I accidentally
kissed a boy

I should be down
with full frontal?

Maybe lean on each other.

You know...
like friends would.

[GROANS]

That's great.

Uh, put your arm
on her shoulder.

Lovely. And, Ayesha,
put your arm 'round Saira.

[SIGHS]
[GROANS]

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Ah, interesting.

What I'm saying is my stuff
is less flattering.

I chose looks
according to what suits

different body types, so... Heh.

And my body type is what
exactly? "Hide that sh*t?"

No, no...

[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]

[GRUNTS]

Amina, please respond.
I'm really, really sorry.

AMINA:
Ah. More messages from Billy.
What do I do?

Oh, it's hot in here.
It's too hot.

[PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]

Hey, Billy told me
what happened.

Hope you're okay.

Ah. Ahsan knows too.

Oh, soon everyone will know.

Oh, it's really hot in here.
Why is it so hot?

Uh, try looking at each other.

Take a look at each other,
turn to each other.

Turn to each other.
Lovely. There you go.

No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. It's not--

Okay, are you trying--
That what you're trying to do?

I-- I get it.
I see it. I see it.

Everyone-- Everyone think--
No! 'Cause, listen.

I need personal space,
'cause we can't just be

getting so close like that,
all right? Yeah?

I-- I-- I-- I-- I-- I just--
Heh. It's fine.

I'll just wear these.

But those aren't
complete looks.

Listen, I wouldn't just
show up to your studio,

rewrite one of your songs
and completely f*ck up your art.

Oh, come on, this isn't art!

I need to get this off.
It's too tight. It's too tight.

[FABRIC RIPS]

Uh-oh.

[SCREAMS]

[AMINA THUDS]

AMINA:
Chelle? Um, sorry!

Oh.

AMINA:
So, yeah, the photoshoot
was called off.

Apparently, our behavior
was challenging.

A direct result of a headbutt
to the core wound,

courtesy of Second Wife.

The outcome? No money,
no studio time, no album.

I don't know
what got into you all today,

but honestly,
it was not pretty.

Okay, we-- We needed this.
We really needed this.

Now I've got to find us
another paid job

before...pulls out.
No more, please.

MOMTAZ:
Yes, more.

The album recording's

not going to pay for itself,
Saira.

[SIGHS]

[EL MICHELS AFFAIR
[FEAT. PIYA MALIK]
"ZAHARILA" PLAYING IN HINDI]