02x02 - Malala Made Me Do It

[bunniefuu]

The memory of
Second Wife's cover

of our most popular song

was freshly seared
into our craniums.

Second Wife, all wide-eyed
and cherub-skinned,

ready to bury us.

♪ Bashir with the good beard ♪

♪ You're so pretty
You're so pretty ♪

♪ You're so pretty ♪

At least they weren't
better than us.

They were shite.
They were different.

Makes one thing
clear:

We need to record our album,
our songs. ASAP.

Pronto. Jaldi.
ALL: Yeah.

But, you know, I kinda liked
their version of "Bashir."

Kinda slow, sad girl.
Easy, Judas.

At least they had the stones
to get up there

with their limited repertoire
and skill.

Can we please stop it with this
faux-sisterhood, please?

Look, I get it,

we can't look to be hating
on our own, but, f*ck, man,

they said they were
"updating an old classic."

They were trying to dead us,
coffin us, finish us, fam.

And we're literally sitting here
like, "You go girl. You go."

Whoa. f*ck no. You don't
go girl. You don't go.

I guess there was
some bad juju.

Absolutely dripping with venom.

Like, why are you hating?

Saira,
control your groupie, fam.

Did you piss her off
or something?

Or maybe she's trying to be you,
that's step one.

Step two,
she skins you

and makes a Saira onesie
out of your leathery a*s.

I'm not leathery.
Thirty is young.

You're missing the point.

AMINA:
Sure, Second Wife's
meteoric rise from obscurity

was a blow to our feelings.
But it was nothing...

...compared to this.

[CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]

BISMA:
I thought they couldn't evict
you because of the sinkhole.

F--

AMINA:
The bedsit was Saira's home.
Her sanctuary.

The place where she could find
refuge from the world

and truly be herself.
But now...

[HEAVY MACHINERY POUNDING]

Saira had ignored the eviction
notices for too long,

and all we could do was watch
as they tore down her home.

Excuse me,
coming through.

AMINA:
Destroyed our rehearsal space,

until it was all gone.

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

VOICE [ON VIDEOGAME]:
And begin!

I love Taifa.
I've been following her

since I got my phone,
and she's the coolest,

and not in a fake way.

I don't think Second Wife
are that bad either.

Yeah?
Taifa is obsessed with you.

I gathered.
Yeah.

She dressed up as you
for Halloween

and started doing tutorials
on how to get

your signature
"tired, unwashed" look.

[CHUCKLES]
Secret's in the name.

Mmm!

[CHUCKLES]
What's all this then?

Oh. All four grandparents
are coming over

and they hate each other.

It's stressful for my parents.
As you can see.

[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Well, uh,

don't want to get in the way.
N-- No, stay. It's so funny.

Spit always hits the fan.

Oi, you.
Mind your language.

I said "spit."

Mm. Well, I gots to head.
Where you going?

Uh, meeting an old friend
for dinner.

Big love,
and I'll see yous later.

Um, promise I'll only be
staying one night.

Mwah.

AMINA:
Saira, having lost her home,
felt she was backsliding,

careering into
her fourth decade of life

with nothing to show for it.

Okay, let-- Let's do this.

And so she put everything
into the band,

determined to rehearse,
to write new material,

ready for recording our album,
no matter what.

But finding
a suitable rehearsal space

was trickier
than we anticipated.

Sorry. So sorry.

And Ayesha's bedroom
was far from ideal.

So, the folk night
was fun.

So fun. Heh.

Did you change your hair?

Yeah. I--
I mean, a slight trim.

Suits you.

Thanks.

[GAGS]
[SIGHS]

Everyone ready?

Yeah. Let's go.
You good?

Yeah.

One, two, three, four.

[POUNDING ON WALL]

MAN:
Oi! Quiet, you lot!

WOMAN:
We're trying to work!

AMINA:
The forces
of the universe seemed

to be conspiring against us.

Since we lost the bedsit,
we had lost our creative flow,

and it totally sucked.

f*ck!

WOMAN:
Quiet!

We've got no funds for the
album, no rehearsal space,

and there's this other
little prick band

who's trying to usurp us.
It's caca-fuego!

That sounds incredibly stressful
and a lot, okay?

I'm sorry you're having
such a hard time.

AMINA:
With rehearsals on pause,

Ayesha had more time to spend
with her new girlfriend, Laura,

who always knew how
to help Ayesha let go.

[LAUGHING]

They just clicked.

♪ Standing in the way
Of control ♪

Who am I?

No, that's not me. No, it's--
That's Blue Steel.

Yeah, you do Blue Steel.

All right, cool. Who's this?

No, no, absolutely not.

Absolutely--
Never done that in my life.

[SQUEALING PLAYFULLY]

You know, you could use
my parent's summer place

for the weekend.
What do you mean?

My parents. They've got
this house, in Norfolk.

They summer there,
sometimes.

They summer there?

It's empty
most of the year.

Right.
[CHUCKLES]

You guys could have, like,
a music retreat over the weekend

or something.
Get your vibe back.

Yeah, I mean, they-- You
wouldn't-- They wouldn't mind?

No, it's totally chill.

I'll have to ask
Mum and Dad, obviously,

but they'll be cool.
They love Lady Parts.

Honestly, they'd be honored
to have you guys there.

That's really cool.
Hm.

Thanks, Laura.

You know, they're actually back
from New York next week.

Maybe we can all
have lunch together.

Don't look so terrified.
They're cool.

No. Terrified? I'm not terri--

I would love that.
That would be really... awesome.

Mm-hm.
That would be awesome.

Great.
Awesome.

Oh, and whatever kid band
you're worried about,

I bet they've got nothing
on you guys.

Yeah.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]
AMINA: Cute. Nice.

AMINA:
Meanwhile, I had more time
to spend time with Noor,

my bestie, who had been blessed
with child.

Imminent child.

Got it.

For sure?
Yeah.

Noor and I
had patched things up.

Good.

[VOMITING]

She had apologized

for behaving
like a self-righteous arse.

Hashtag "baby bliss,"
hashtag "new mum to be."

[VOMITING]

Hashtag, "blessed."

Okay, um, maybe
those aren't helping.

[SNARLS]
Right. Lovely.

[SIGHS]
I hate this.

Noor, you've always
wanted a baby.

No. Mm. It wasn't meant
to be like this.

I'm fat.

You're pregnant.
I'm fat.

You're pregnant.

My skin is crap. Look.

Look at my T-zone.

Okay, it's a bit oily.
Mine gets like that.

I know. It's gross.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

You want a grand gesture?
You got it.

I'm the grandmaster
of the grand gestures.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

BILLY [KNOCKING]:
Hey, bro, you good?

Uh, good, Billy. Just, uh--

Whoa, a mixtape.
Labor-intensive. Who's it for?

No one. It's a friend...
in hospital.

Just sick with... uh. sickness.
Oh.

Ah, sickness.
It will get you.

Yeah. What's up?

Oh, I just wanted to ask
for Amina's number.

She said I could
get it off you.

Um, sure. Sure.

Cool?

Can I ask why?

Oh, I wanted to ask her out.

I think--
I think we had something.

I've never harmonized like that
with someone before.

It was something else, you know?
Like, resonant.

Yeah, a bit pitchy
if you ask me.

Sorry?
Yeah, sure. Uh... no, fair.

Just, uh, great.

[INHALES SHARPLY]
Her number.

Amina's number.
I should warn you.

She's... pretty Muslim.

Uh, "Muslim" Muslim.

You know, muchosMuslim.

What do you mean? God squad?
V religiousy?

V! V, V religiousy.

[CHUCKLING]
She's on that marriage hype.

Last I checked,
she was jonesing for a husband.

Desperate vibes, you know?
Wow. Husband.

Yeah...
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm down

for nuptials in this lifetime.

Pbbt! Innit?
Yeah.

I just thought
you should have all the info.

But I mean
text her if you want.

Appreciate it.

Thanks, mate.
Yeah.

Amina.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]

[GASPS]

What?
No effing way.

What?

Billy's asking me on a date.
Explicitly a date.

Check out some guitars
on Denmark Street.

[SQUEALS]
Billy?

You mean impromptu-dueting-
folky-white boy Billy?

The very same.

Okay. What are you saying?

Absolutely.
"Wednesday any good?"

Wa-- Wait. Whoa, Amina.
Is he even Muslim?

Don't know. Probably not.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Okay.

And you don't
have a problem with that?

Noor, we're just checking out
some guitars,

it's nothing sordid.

The whole thing
with my villain era

is I say yes to the universe.
So, I'm saying yes.

[SCOFFS]
Okay. Listen, Amina.

Sure, it starts with
a harmless strum on the guitar,

but before you know it,

you'll be ripping off
the hijab

and hosting
wine and cheese nights.

This is how it starts,
Amina.

Don't be a trope.

Wow.
Is that what you think of me?

What?
So little self-esteem

that I would just change
my beliefs for some guy?

Am I that pathetic to you?

Amina, no,
I'm just trying to be--

I am a 28-year-old woman.

I am not this kid
that you can just keep--

[HUFFS]
You set me up on dates with men

who thought I was damaged goods.

Yes, yeah, sure,
they were Muslim,

but you know what?
Billy is an artist, okay?

We have a musical connection.

It's not something
you would understand.

You know what? Actually,

I'm getting that sort of toxic,
judgey vibe from you

that I promised myself
I would not abide.

You crossed a boundary, Noor.

You crossed a boundary.

[INHALES]

Amina, I'm-- I'm sorry.
No, no, don't go.

I have to pack. The band
are having a musical retreat,

and I would like
good vibes only, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Yeah. Nice. Lovely.
Yeah. Yeah. So fierce.

Guys, think power pose,

but still keep it regal
at the same time.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Lovely. Yeah. And...
beautiful. Yeah.

Okay, cool, let's switch up
the vibe.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Oh, my God, you guys.

This is amazing. So good.
A bit close.

Yes. Yes. Love it. Love it.
Okay, down the lens. Yeah.

Momtaz. Ah, thank you so much
for agreeing to meet.

Um, guys, let's take five.

You do not need me.

I mean, you've got resources.
I mean, look.

Well, it's not about that.
You guys are authentic.

I've got Bare Uncle Sams
out here trying to capitalize

off my sh*t-hot diversity.
Yeah, they do that, don't they?

You guys are real punks

and, I guess, I'm still trying
to figure out our vibe.

Second Wife. What are we?
So, please, you know?

I'll think about it.

Taz, we just need some help
being a band.

Okay, sure,
I can earn three grand

doing a 20-second TikTok clip
selling some stupid mascara,

but I wanna be like Saira.

I want Second Wife
to be like Lady Parts.

A real band.

I'm sorry, you can get how much
for what now?

[LAUGHS]
AMINA: As for Bisma,

a pause in rehearsals
meant she could spend more time

with the family. However...

Mm!
Mwah!

How was that?
Um...

Please can you stop being
disgusting in my presence?

It could adversely impact
my development.

AMINA:
Their daughter was afflicted
by pubescent rage.

Bisma was struggling to cope.

[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]

You did what?
I did what anyone would do.

I did what Malala would do.

You know she fights
for girls education every day?

Malala would not throw eggs
at Mr. Appleby. Imani!

He shouldn't have taken sl*very
off the Year 7 curriculum.

I'm just advocating
for my right to learn.

Violence is not advocating.
That is not how we raised you.

Oh, I'm sorry, I should just
roll over and take it.

It's the way you raised me.

"Inhale for three
and find your inner Zen."

Yeah, sure,
you're in a punk band

and pretend to be
this badass, edge-lord,

but you know what you are?
You're a people-pleaser--

[PULSATES]

[SIGHS]
Okay, well, I'm gonna go,

um, 'cause I'm late.
[STAMMERING]

You've got this, so I'll just--
But-- no, no, no, no.

I'll see you Sunday.
But I love you.

I love you so much. Yeah.
I love you too, but-- Bi--

Yeah!
No, Bis-- No look-- She needs--

She needs her mum.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[SIGHS]
Okay, okay, you got this.

You got this.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
How many pips are on
the standard golf ball?

Okay, here's where I'm at.

We need money
for the recording,

but playing gigs does not pay.

However, I think I've found
something that does.

All ears. Hit us.

Now,
keep an open mind.

So, there's a make-up
brand that have got

a new mascara
they'd like us to support.

We are not using our music
to sell mascara to tweens okay?

What's wrong with mascara?
We all wear it.

It's just one endorsement,
we get the cashish.

Hm.
Maybe we should try the product,

see if it's something
we might endorse.

If it's good.
Only if it's good.

Yeah, no clumps.
I hate clumps.

What are we saying to kids
with this mascara sh*t?

Your worth is tied up
in how long your eye hairs are?

[ALL SIGH]
That's not who we are.

We're serious musicians,
not vapid agents of capitalism.

[ALL GROAN]

We simply seek
to speak our truth

before we're mangled by other
people's bullshit ideas of us.

What truth are we speaking
by selling mascara,

please enlighten me?

We are speaking the truth

that we need some money
so we can advance as a band

and make the music
we want to make.

Saira, no offense,

but as someone
without a pot to piss in

you are clinging to this
manifesto mighty hard.

Oh, right, so you were hoping
that because I lost my home,

I would lose my principles too?

Where did you find
this mascara sh*t anyway?

Second Wife have endorsed it.

How do you know that?

[♪♪♪]

Don't go crazy. Okay? Uh--

So, I met with Taifa,
and I signed them.

Second Wife are now
part of Momtaz Records.

Sorry, I'm late!

Pubescent
child amdram, innit.

Ooh! Whoo!
Let's retreat, baby!

Whoo!

Okay, what's going on?

I'm sensing
some salty energetics.

I can't just have one band.

Momtaz Records
can't just have one band.

I thought we were all
about the greater sisterhood.

Not when the greater sisterhood

is trying
to smother us in our sleep.

Oh, come on.
Are we that insecure?

I think
it's great, Taz.

Thanks, Bisma.

And they weren't trying
to backstab us with their cover.

It was an homage.
They love Lady Parts.

And Taifa's
really sweet and smart.

They're not even that good.
Like, why though?

We can help them get better
and they can help us.

Help us sell-out.
[SCOFFS]

[CLEARS THROAT]
"Sisterhood. Yeah.

We give thanks to the great
women who came before us,

who walked so we could run.

We reach out our hands to
those women who come after us,

so they might fly."
It's in the bloody manifesto.

[AMINA GASPS]
Whoa.

Wait. Is this... it?

Oh, my God.
This is never it.

AMINA:
Our squabbling
had momentarily subsided

as we gazed in awe
at our new rehearsal space,

a far, far cry
from Saira's bedsit.

Ayesha,
so do your girl's parents

own a football team
or something?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I-- I don't know.

I didn't really realize it was,
um... They-- They were, uh--

Yeah, I-- I don't know.

Okay, not too shabby.
Not too shabby.

Yeah, this'll-- This'll work.

I mean, come on.

[SQUEALS SOFTLY]
What's in here? Mm!

Ayesha, got the cake?

Yeah. I do.

Come on. Be my friend again.

I'll hug you. I will hug you.
I will not let go.

Okay. All right.
Yeah, all right, all right.

Guys, remember Saira's
very sensitive about turning 30,

so let's just tread
with caution.

[CHUCKLING]
What? It's funny.

All right, all right, all right.
New songs. Let's do it.

AMINA:
The time had come
to do what we do best:

Lady Parts, assemble.

[HUMMING TUNE]

[GROWLS TUNE]

Ooh, I like. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[BOTH HUMMING TUNE]
Yeah, that's cool.

AMINA:
But as Bisma
sought inspiration,

there was only one thing
she could think about.

Malala made me do it.

Come again?
Que?

Imani got suspended.

She threw eggs at her teacher

because he took sl*very
off the curriculum.

Her excuse:
"Malala made me do it."

[CHUCKLING]
That's pretty good.

What? That's so unlike her.

Uh-huh. I know.

And then I almost lost it
at her, which is unlike me.

f*ck this "unlike me,
unlike her" sh*t.

You contain multitudes.

Yeah, one of those
multitudes being I'm a sh*t mum!

You're the best mum!
f*ck off!

Whoa, whoa.
We are not doing that. Mm-mm.

You wanna know how much
of a sh*t mum I am?

When she told me what she did,
I scolded her.

Like, yeah, yeah, sure,
it's wrong to be violent,

but what am I actually saying
to her? Hm? Stay in your box?

And then she called me
a people-pleaser.

[GASPS]
Uh--

Maybe-- Maybe--
Maybe I am a people-pleaser.

You're a queen!
You are a f*cking legend.

f*ck no. No.

No, no, no. You-- You--

You are a badass punk
and so is your daughter.

All right? She gets it from you.

I don't know.

MOMTAZ:
You've gotta write it.

Huh?

"Malala Made Me Do It."
It's--

It's brilliant.
You've got to write it.

Really?
Yeah.

Mm.
Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]

AMINA:
Through the night,
into the small hours,

"Malala Made Me Do It"
was born.

♪ He named her Malala
Malala Yousefzai ♪

♪ Rode into town
And made the Talibanis cry ♪

♪ Born in Swat Valley
Up in northern Pakistan ♪

♪ Advocating
For the rise of the woman ♪

♪ Nobel prize at 17 ♪

♪ The baddest b*tch
You've ever seen ♪

♪ Cross your heart
And hope to die ♪

♪ It's Malala Yousefzai
Malala Yousefzai ♪

♪ Malala, Malala, Malala
Malala Yousefzai ♪

♪ Nothing could stop her ♪

♪ Not the b*llet that she took ♪

♪ She cried one pen
And one child ♪

♪ And one teacher
And one book ♪

♪ She headed for adventure
Like her brother Frodo did ♪

♪ Prisoner of Azkaban
Got nothin' on this kid ♪

♪ Noble, wise and so serene ♪

♪ The baddest b*tch
You've ever seen ♪

♪ Cross your heart
And hope to die ♪

♪ It's Malala Yousefzai ♪

♪ Stole biscuits
From the staff room ♪

♪ Malala made her do it ♪

♪ Skipped choir
To chase the boys ♪

♪ Malala made her do it ♪

♪ Hidin' in the girls' loo ♪

♪ To while away
Those Monday blue ♪

♪ Malala made her do that too ♪

♪ It's Malala Yousefzai ♪

[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]

AMINA:
Who knew a Malala hype track

was what we needed to find
our flow again? It felt great.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

[INHALES, EXHALES]
Thirty, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]
sh*t, she's coming!

She's coming! Quick!
Oh!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Oh, man.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Saira ♪
♪ Dickhead ♪

Oh, f*ck you!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING]

Really?
Speech! Speech!

Okay, um, so, hi, everyone.
I'm 30. f*ck.

Still relevant, though.

So relevant.
Thank you.

Oh.

[CHEERING WILDLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Taz, hey.

I'm sorry for being weird
about Second Wife.

I'm just an insecure old lady
or something boring.

It's great.
They're part of the sisterhood.

And, listen, I know
you've been busting your a*s

to get us paid jobs
and I just wanted to say...

I appreciate it.

I appreciate you.

It's hard to go toe-to-toe
with the white supremacist,

imperialist, capitalist,
heteropatriarchy, so, yeah...

I appreciate you trying.

Thanks.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

No, thanks, Saira.
That means a lot.

I want us to record. I do.

[EXHALES SLOWLY]

Maybe I should--

We should consider...

I don't know.. a thingy.

Paid thingy.
What, really?

AMINA:
Up until now,
Saira had batted back

every paid "thingy"
Momtaz had suggested,

but seeing our sisterly joy
resurrected,

she was considering it.

Yeah, but ideally nothing
too capitalist-y, you know?

Look-- I actually think I've got
something you might go for.

Yeah?

Amina, honey.
Hm?

How many pieces of cake
have you had?

Just five.

Attention, punks!
[GASPS]

What's this?

A song list.

Abba?
Tom Jones.

We've got to learn
all these songs by next week.

Why?

Because we are playing...
a wedding.

[GASPS]
A wedding? I love weddings.

A wedding. Okay.

We're not selling anything,
were merely the entertainment.

No. Saira, no!
We are not a wedding band.

Do you know how lame it is?
We have an image to maintain.

We can't just-- What,
we're just gonna play Britney?

Britney. Britney!

Yep.

It's Britney, b*tch.

[INSTRUMENTAL
"MALALA MADE ME DO IT" PLAYING]