01x04 - Cut the Circuit

[bunniefuu]

You're onstage,

and you don't know the script,

or you don't know what you're doin'.

"You don't deserve it."

"You can't do it."

You know, constantly havin' to deliver,

it just makes you feel queasy.

You just wanna run away sometimes.

I'm in a situation

that's completely unreal.

It came true for me

onstage in Leeds.

People are just waitin' for me to f*ck up.

Yesterday, with Leeds,

I had to experience an awful lot.

I feel as though I'm wearing it today.

It was a prolonged car crash.

As the days have progressed,

doing this process, it seems that I've

I've been on

The dark night of the soul

turned into a long weekend.

Hello.

Very gonzo, this.

This filming.

Not a f*ck' clue what I'm doing.

Um

But that's my life.

I've already done an hour's blog

on this camera in this room,

but we didn't turn the mic on.

It would be good

for people that can lipread.

I can't remember this.

- At all?

- No.

- What What year is it?

- So this is 2007.

I can't remember

anythin' about this.

It's It's an instantly

uncomfortable watch for some reason

'cause I'm getting

some sort of energy from me that's

All is not well.

This video blog has turned into somethin'

different than I thought it was gonna be.

Don't tell anyone I'm Jesus

All men are fools

- And what makes them fools

- I remember that now.

I started to write a song today,

and it's called,

"Don't Tell Anybody I'm Jesus."

It's a bit like "Mack The Knife" but, um

sacrilegious.

I'm off the wagon.

That's where I am.

Change the battery pack.

Addicted

to, um, prescribed speed

Is it not plugged in?

OxyContin, Adderall,

Vicodins, morphine.

You know, the greatest hits.

f*ck' 'ell. Dunno if you can see

the shiner I've got on my eye.

I had an altercation with, uh,

the bathroom floor.

Slipped

and took out the lighting buttons.

What they called? Lighting buttons?

Light switches.

In the middle of the night,

I got up to go to the toilet,

and my legs weren't working

because I'd just taken a load of stuff.

I literally couldn't figure out

how to use my legs,

but I needed to go the toilet,

and I collapsed and fell into the wall.

I've also decided that

I'm not fit for purpose

when it comes to relationships.

I'd be with somebody

but then see somebody else and think,

"Oh. Want that one."

I'm a want monster, I

I need everything.

Concerning who I sleep with,

it's as old as time,

the rock star

sleeping with the groupie or the fan.

You know, I'm not the first,

and I won't be the last.

A friend of mine

suggested that I have a date

with this person

that was a good friend of his,

and, uh, I looked her up

and was like, "Oh yeah!"

Please welcome the lovely Ayda Field.

- Well, hello.

- Yeah.

Hello!

I was actually

in a really good place, I think,

when I met Rob.

I had this dinner party I was going to.

I was like, "Do you wanna go

to the dinner party with me?"

He's like, "I'd rather

stick knives in my eyes."

I was like,

"Okay, that's a strong response."

He's like, "Let's meet up afterwards,"

and I was like, "Okay."

My love must be a kind of blind love

She came over to my house

after being at a party.

I'd just seen off my dealer,

that I was sleeping with at the time.

The house

is completely f*ck' dark.

No candles. No lights.

I'm like, "Ooh, this is weird."

So we're just sitting there talking.

We have nothing in common.

And I was like,

"Oh, this is not working out."

"I'd better take her back

to the party she's just come from."

Are the stars out tonight?

Unbeknownst to me, Rob is actually

gonna ditch me at this party.

I guess we start Maybe 'cause

we'd both surrendered to the fact

that we were not each other's person,

and this was a total mess,

we were completely loose with each other.

We were saying funny sh*t in the car,

and I was like, "Oh, he's funny."

And I was like,

"Oh. I'll come in for five minutes."

And there was just this moment

we were laughing,

and I cannot even tell you what happened.

It was like the universe opened up.

And I had this moment

where I felt I'd known her forever.

I guess I chose to ignore it.

All of a sudden, Rob's like,

"I need to go to the bathroom."

I'm, like, waiting.

I'm like, "God.

Is he, like, taking a dump?"

Um

I then did some coke.

I got this tic. It was like

So I'm like, "I'm gonna get out

and see what's happened."

There he is, pacing.

He's thrown up, and he's clucking.

I was like, "Ah, we gotta go."

She ended up comin' home

and nursing me.

Then we just talked all night.

I think he explained

that he'd been sober for a very long time.

He had just relapsed.

It was like my entryway into addiction.

I shall try and remember

what it was that I was sayin'.

You wouldn't notice

his personality change,

but all of a sudden,

he would just throw up, like, watching TV.

"Robbie Williams is music

for people who don't feel."

I didn't know this this area

where someone could be doing drugs

and have a problem

and it be, like, deadly.

"Robbie's a showbiz chancer." Yeah, I am.

The meanness, nasty, vitriolic bollocks,

that "Robbie Williams is a sh*t joke."

I remember that being very scary

'cause all of a sudden, I was, like

I was really liking this person a lot.

Do I hate music, then?

Is that what I do?

"To me, Robbie Williams

is a crime against music."

"What don't I love about music?"

"You have so much rage."

f*ck' hate

Do you really think God is more proud

of Bobby Gillespie

or Gareth Gates?

wants to set me on fire.

Somebody to hate.

Here was

this incredibly troubled soul

who was, like,

a rock star in some other country

and clearly f*cked up about it

and a complete mess

and yet so

my person. Like, my f*cking soulmate.

didn't know who the f*ck I was.

Yeah, I mean, that, um

that stare there doesn't look like mine.

I did have a sense

of what I was doin' to myself.

And I didn't care.

And And there is a a sense of

"It would be best if I sorta passed away."

Um

I didn't care, and it'd be all right.

That's where your addiction takes you.

That's where it ends up.

The natural progression

of "Let's see how far we can take this."

"Robbie Williams is music

for people who don't feel."

The thing

that would destroy me

has also made me successful.

Big. More.

Touch the fire. Touch the button.

Push when it says "pull."

All of those things

have given me my career,

but there's also

a detrimental side to it too.

Depends which wolf you feed.

For me to change, I've gotta be dyin'.

Die or stop what you're doin'.

I remember it was, like, 2 a.m.

I called him.

I was just getting on the highway.

"Are you driving?"

"Just got on the highway."

He was like, "Call me when you get home."

I tell her,

"Look, my management have come,

and they've done an intervention,

and they're gonna take me to rehab."

And he is like,

"I can't be in a relationship."

"I have to get better,

and I can't be with you."

"I have to break up with you."

I was just like

And it was, like, I un

I understood it 'cause I was like

I saw that he was unwell,

and I I remember thinking,

"I just want you to get better.

Whatever you need to do,"

and I was just so crestfallen.

He was my soulmate, and then he was gone.

Robbie Williams is waking up

in rehab this morning

on his 33rd birthday.

You can't miss

the front pages this morning.

Full of the tragedy

that seems to follow in the wake

of Robbie Williams

and his turbulent lifestyle.

It's claimed today

that he's gone into rehab

to avoid doing himself some harm.

After admitting to being hooked

on a c*ck of prescription drugs,

he needed to check into rehab

before, in Robbie's words,

he did "something silly."

Rehab.

It's not a country club.

It's a hospital.

Some people can envision rehab

as being like, um,

a health retreat.

It's not that.

Surrounded by

other people that are completely depressed

and, um, have just f*cked up their lives.

Understanding the nature

of what and who you are.

An addict.

Rehab cut the circuit on the addiction.

It gave me a moment to recalibrate

and see if I can live.

My professional career

had become that big,

the only thing

that I could do for self-preservation

was to take myself out of it.

If you don't start the process,

then the process seldom finds you.

At this period

in my life, I know I'm retired.

Taking down the dam.

Tryin' to undo all pop-starry apparel.

Me and Ayda got back together again.

I remember we went to Morocco,

Egypt.

I thought, "Better go and see these places

that I've been to for work

and never seen."

I remember me mate, Calvin,

takin' a picture of Ayda.

She was dancin' on somethin'.

I just remember

lookin' at the picture and just goin',

"What a life force."

"What a spirit."

But I remember that photo. It's

It's burned into my mind.

There was a cementing of a relationship

between me and my future wife.

But, um

if you'd have asked me

what I was doing during that,

I wouldn't have known that.

There became enough space

between me and my career

to fall in love.

- Okay.

- Do her.

- I'll just do I'll do Sarah.

- Do Sarah.

I'll do Sarah.

I've lost 17 inches in my face.

Three in my dimples alone.

All while eating cheesecake.

- Very good.

- Love creamy foods.

Really creamy foods.

That is unbelievable.

- Isn't it?

- I know, isn't it weird?

Change to normal face

So, high five!

- Change back.

- "Change back"!

- That is

- It's a new game. Change!

I've no idea

how I developed this talent.

Do you think it's because

you can fit more marshmallows

in your mouth?

Yeah, I mean, what a package, man.

Silly and, uh,

doesn't take herself seriously

and smart and beautiful.

Makes me feel great,

you know?

When you look there, it's obvious that

something really special's happenin'.

It's really cool.

- You know why he doesn't like it?

- Why?

- He has to win at everything.

- He did it when he was watching.

- Yeah, he was like

- Try and do it.

- You do it and watch Rob.

- Come on, Boozy, you can do it.

She sees the best in me,

and I see the best in her.

f*ck you.

- You know how I like to eat a lot?

- Yeah.

That's the face of the future.

- Yeah, you've seen mine, so that's okay.

- Aw.

So I don't do anything

for three years.

The powers had gone. The mojo had gone.

I I had a big realization

that I needed purpose.

That I needed to be creative

and have a voice.

This is Robbie Williams.

This is what I do for a livin'.

Right here.

I'm a singer, I'm a songwriter,

and I'm a born entertainer.

Thank God for Ayda.

Solace and safety and sanctuary and

all of the good things.

She gave me enough space

for it to be a possibility.

You're so pretty, aren't you?

Yes, you are!

You doing your little sashay for us?

Are we in the right house? Think we are.

Ah, pretty girl.

- What you calling the new album?

- Reality k*lled the Video Star.

Or Il Protagonista.

Or PoliteBox

'cause the last one was RudeBox.

Ding When You're Ding-Dong Dingin'.

Uh

Or What were the good ones, bab?

Oh yeah. Robbie Williams

and the c*ck of Justice. I love that.

It was gonna take a while,

but Reality k*lled the Video Star

was a tentative step back

into public life.

After the RudeBox album,

I head into very safe musical waters.

How do you rate the morning sun?

Good morning Mr. McCarrower

We'll love the same old Jesus again

Stoke the flames lit by the fuse

I have to collect myself

and and and

put some real thought

behind this f*ck' thing.

Or else my career's gonna fall to sh*t.

I always wanted more from life

But you didn't have the appetite

"Find a hit, fatty."

Tell me how do you

Raise the morning sun?

Trevor had made

a lot of albums that I love,

and everybody that I work with and me

knew that we were just in safe hands.

- Hey, it's not bad.

- It's not bad.

- It's not bad, yeah.

- Yeah.

I don't think I've ever been

this much unsure of myself, comin' back.

Returning to the scene of the accident.

Press release was in, uh

has gone out sayin' the new album's called

Reality k*lled the Video Star.

And, uh

it's number two in the BBC News most read,

so that's cool.

Uh

And apparently, the, uh,

website statistics

have gone through the roof.

I'm very 'appy. Very 'appy.

Uh, day two. "Bodies."

We had three years

of our relationship with Rob

before I was really introduced to Robbie.

Robbie is like

a completely different person.

I was excited for him,

but I was a little worried

because I don't know what it's like

to have 80,000 people looking at you

on a nightly basis

and what that does to your psychology.

I've gotta

get back on this wild horse

that keeps buckin' me off.

Yeah, it's weird. I've not done any

singin' and dancin' for three years.

Last time, this wild horse

did the equivalent of breakin' my neck.

What's it gonna do this time?

Now he's back,

and boy, is he back.

He is one of the greatest entertainers

this country's ever known. We love him.

This is Mr. Robbie Williams.

When I came back in 2009,

I did a performance

of "Bodies" on The X Factor

and just completely had a freak-out.

God gave me the sunshine

Then showed me my lifeline

I was told it was all mine

I got laid on the ley line

What a day, what a day

And then Jesus really died for me

How you doin'?

- Robbie didn't come.

- Jesus really tried for me

And the everyday Rob

was there instead.

Wanna feed off the energy

I love living like a deity

One a day, one day

And then Jesus really died for me

What a pleasure. What a pleasure.

Jesus really tried for me

I just couldn't

latch onto anythin'

to make it make sense

while I was performin'.

Everything felt

completely unnatural and scary.

Oh

It's just everythin' was

so overwhelming, and I couldn't hide it.

I loved it. I loved it.

Great audience.

What a fantastic audience. Thank you!

The whole thing

that happened in Leeds

had a a lasting effect

that had damaged me psychologically.

I'm just unsure

of everythin', everybody, and everything.

Apart from Ayda.

I'm so uncomfortable in my skin 'ere.

The door's always open

for Rob.

If ever he's bored one day,

and we're on the road,

and he's sat at home,

and he wants to come up and,

you know, sing a song,

he's more than welcome to do that.

We'll 'ave a spare mic ready for 'im.

One of Britain's

biggest boy bands, Take That, split up.

But, a decade on, they're back together,

albeit without Robbie Williams,

and they're back at the top of the charts.

I watched

the Circus tour.

It's one of the best shows I'd ever seen.

And I got

incredibly excited by it.

And then a door opened where I was like

"Cor, I wanna

wanna experience that."

There's a reason

why I left Take That so angry.

I want you to know

that I probably will be a bit quiet.

I'm just a bit nervous and a bit scared,

and I have been for a few days, you know,

and I wanna, um

It's gonna take a while though, mate.

It's took us four years.

Shoulda seen us lot

when we got back together after that time.

Took us a long time to get to know

each other again, didn't it?

My anger

has dissipated and gone now,

and all that's left

is the four lads in a room,

and I realized very quickly

that they love me, and I love them.

To me, it seems like

just a beautiful moment

for us to be intro-ing you,

saying hi to you.

"Here's our friend, Robbie." Off you go.

I remember

havin' a meetin' with my management,

Dave and Tim, at the time,

and they got these flip charts out.

They were just, like, "Right, okay."

"So, if you went on tour

by yourself,

this is what you would make."

It was just, like,

unbelievable amounts of money.

"And if you work

with Take That, you get this."

And I was like,

"Lads, I'm still gonna

be joinin' Take That."

"Okay."

Standing

On the edge of forever

At the start of whatever

Shouting love at the world

When I'm in Take That,

there's four other bodies next to you

displacing the responsibility of

the eyes on you.

Although no-one understood

We were holding back the flood

Yeah, we danced against the rain

We were holding back the flood

They said we'd never dance again

We will meet you

Where the lights are

The defenders of the faith we are

When the thunder turns around

They'll run so hard

We'll tear the ground away

Rejoining Take That

really helped me.

Propelled me back in.

Helped me to hide in public,

to be camouflaged but seen.

Yeah

Yeah

Great Britain was ours

for that summer.

Although no-one understood

There was more of them than us

Learning how to dance the rain

There was more of them than us

Now they'll never dance again

I felt

like pop star Robbie Williams.

And rejoining Take That

was a vitally important part of my journey

to where I am now.

Where I've gotten to and what's happened

to my career since then

is a miracle.

The thing that's made me

feel safe a lot of the time,

is no matter about the slings and arrows

or how I feel about myself in my head,

there's this incredible audience

that comes and sees me.

My audience has protected me

through the years.

It's funny as I get older,

if somebody says,

"I've been to a show

and really enjoyed it," I almost cry.

W We did that together.

We understood each other,

and we created a moment together

that will remain

etched in our souls and our spirit.

And I'm I'm ever so grateful

that we get to share that experience.

How has this process been for you?

It's a tough watch.

But I feel good because

there was a lot of levity

and a lot of humor and a lot of silliness.

There was a softness

in this footage

that I wasn't expectin' to see.

It is cathartic.

I will walk out of here

less heavy, emotionally,

than I was before.

I can stick a pin in this now and move on.

So many tears

I've cried over you

I have, uh

some acceptance and love for me.

That That feels huge, man.

Yeah, that does feel that does feel big.

That's not what I was expecting

to feel at the end of this.

And I bite my tongue

Even though it causes the pain

I'm a different person now.

inside me

Thank the Lord.

There is a happy endin'.

For me, anyway.

Running across the field

Screaming full of joy

Now, baby, I can see

That I'm pretty perfect

And everybody can see

I guess the god-shaped hole

has been filled with four kids and a wife.

Everybody can see-ee-ee

Good.

Life's pretty perfect to me

Full marks.

- Morning, my love.

- Mornin', darlin'.

- Can I get you anything?

- Uh, no, thank you.

All good.

Okay, I'll put this on.

Daddy's going on a plane,

Beau-beaus.

Why?

- He's gotta go to work.

- I wanna go on plane.

- You wanna go with Daddy to work?

- Yeah.

- Are you gonna sing?

- Yeah.

- What you gonna sing?

- Uh

Happy birthday to you

Can I have a goodbye cuddle?

Yes.

- I love you.

- Okay.

- Who loves you?

- Uh

- Mummy.

- Yes!

Who else loves you?

- You!

- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

We love you so much, Beau-beaus.

Yeah.

Who loves you?

Daddy. Who loves you?

- Mummy.

- Mm-hmm.

I really, like,

have had a knot in my stomach all day.

I'm about to leave

for the longest that I've ever left them.

I hate it.

But it makes me feel happy,

knowing what I can provide

for my kids and my wife.

It gives me purpose, and I need purpose.

Ted, come and give me a cuddle.

Mummy, will you get Charlie?

Charlie!

- Come here, Charlie.

- Oh, there he is.

- Where's Coco?

- I love you, mate.

- Where's Coco?

- I love you, mate.

- Will you get Coco?

- Look at me. I'm really proud of you.

- Do you have to go?

- Yeah.

- I love you, Boozy.

- Love you, guys.

Who knows what's to come?

But now I realize that in this period,

and for the longest period

in my life ever, I suppose,

yeah, this is, um a golden period.

I live in a different way now.

I live in a different manner.

There is an acceptance to what my life is.

And I don't try

to push against it or fight against it.

And I've figured out how to live in it.

I'm comfortable.

I'm a dad of four

in a lovin' marriage with a lovin' wife.

I'm on my way

to bein' really, really happy.

The miracles that have been

bestowed upon me in this life

are so bountiful

and so incredible,

there is a need and a want in me

to be able

to figure out how to enjoy this,

by any means necessary.

It's different now.

What a joy.

What a glorious adventure.

Come on, hold my hand

I wanna contact the living

Not sure I understand

This role I've been given

I sit and talk to God

And he just laughs at my plans

My head speaks a language

I don't understand

I just wanna feel real love

Feel the home that I live in

'Cause I got too much life

Running through my veins

Going to waste

I don't wanna die

But I ain't keen on living either

Before I fall in love

I'm preparing to leave her

I scare myself to death

That's why I keep on running

Before I've arrived

I can see myself coming

I just wanna feel real love

Feel the home that I live in

'Cause I got too much life

Running through my veins

Going to waste