01x02 - Inside Our Autistic Minds...: Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

I don't like coming in this room.

You see... I moved here a couple
of years ago, which meant

that I had to take
my library to pieces.

So I've had all of
these shelves built

to get it up and running again.

But that's a massive challenge,
because it means I've got to deal

with something which my type
of autistic experience

doesn't welcome - change.

It's just not...
It's not going to work, is it?

It's not going to live there, is it?
A book on nightjars.

That's not it, is it?
Well, it's not now.

I'm very self-conscious of the fact
that you might be thinking,

"Just get a grip,

"put the books in order of subject
and get them on the shelves, man."

Change is disastrous.

For me, change becomes difficult
because it represents

a loss of control.

I'm not in control
of this situation.

I've lost control of my library.

But this is somewhere where I need
to be totally comfortable enough,

to be confident enough
to be able to be my real self.

And my real self is autistic.

In 2017, I first shared my autism
diagnosis on television.

These foxes in her back garden...

Since then, I've been astonished
by the thousands of letters

and emails I've received
from other autistic people.

Some telling me the programme
had helped them connect

with the people around them, but
others telling me they're lonely,

miserable, even suicidal,
because they feel the world

doesn't understand them.

For me, these letters reveal
a hidden crisis, because estimates

suggest there could be as many as
700,000 autistic people in the UK.

And I think that the wider world
still doesn't really understand

what it means to be autistic.

And this is a problem
for those of us who already

feel excluded, different.

Like we don't fit in.

In this series, I want to do
something about it.

Working with top film-makers,
graphic designers,

animators and musicians,

I'm giving four autistic people the
chance to bring their experiences

to life, by creating short films
that reveal to their friends

and families how they are
really feeling inside.

Flo and Murray have already
shared their films. To my mum...

This time it's the turn of Anton
and Ethan to bring their experiences

to the screen...
Sometimes I can't cope at all.

..and give us all
a better understanding

of their autistic minds.

For much of my early life,
I felt completely misunderstood.

Like no-one knew what was
going on inside my head,

how different my world was.

If I can now change that
for just one person,

then my work here will be done.

For me, being autistic isn't
some kind of weakness.

There's nothing wrong
with autistic people,

we're just different.

But those differences in how
we think, in how we communicate

and in how we process the world,
can make life a real challenge.

As it is for the next person
I'm meeting, Anton.

He's 26 years old.

He lives with his fiancee, Sophie.

They're getting married
later this year.

Can I do that with you?
"Sophie, I love you!"

You did do that in Turkey,

when you proposed in the middle of
the street.

I didn't shout it.

He was diagnosed as autistic
when he was four years old.

Frequent meltdowns in supermarkets.

Nothing surprising to me there.

I remember those with
vivid clarity, I'm afraid.

Anton's a huge Middlesbrough fan
and a trance DJ.

He's obsessive about timings
and routine, planning every moment

in his day down to the last second.

He works hard to disguise his
autistic traits in order to fit in,

meaning that most of his friends
have no idea

what's going on inside his head.

So, my mission is to try and find
a means for Anton to articulate

what his life is like, to be able to
explain to his friends why routine

is so important to him

and why he gets so upset
when plans change last minute.

Thank you.

I'm looking forward
to meeting Anton.

I suspect we've got a lot in common.

Hello, there. Hello, Anton.
You all right? Nice to meet you.

Pop on in. All right. Thank you.

See you've got your bird feeder out.

Yeah. We're a big fan of birds.

Beyond birds, I know we've got
a shared interest in music.

I'm a record collector, so...

Vinyl? Yeah.

I've got about 2,500 punk singles.

Oh, right. Question is, how do you
organise your vinyl?

Alphabetical order and artist.
Right.

Would you be absolutely able
to guarantee that there

wouldn't be one out of place?

Yeah. If they're out of order,
is that distressing?

Yeah, yeah. I can't...

settle. I can't watch the telly.

I can't go and listen to my music.
Right.

I wouldn't be able to listen
to it and enjoy it.

Come on, then. I can't wait to see
his vinyl collection.

It's always an eye-opener.
Go on. Go on.

It's common for autistic people
to have special interests

and these can be obsessive.

Organising our collections is often
a source of comfort,

a way to help us feel in control.

Look at this. Proper set-up.
Double deck.

Go on, then. Talk me through it.

Right. So, house, A to Z.

And then all of this is trance.

That's my main focus, is the trance.

Go on, then, you'd better put
one on. Trance favourite.

Well, for me it would have to be...

MUSIC PLAYS

What is it about trance music, then?

It's... it's happy music.

It's a genre that really,
like, just gets you moving

and I like the sound of it.

It's got a very particular beat,
hasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe it's the predictability.

I quite like electronic music,
but one of the things

I like about it is the repetitious
nature of it. Yeah, yeah.

What I don't like is ambient music.

I have to listen to it completely.

If I'm immersed in it, then the rest
of the world ceases to exist.

So I use it sort of
for blocking things out.

Aye, snap. Same. Same? Yeah.

I literally just put it on, whack it
up and just sort of sit back

and just... and just listen
to it and let the sort of

emotions run and get
the better of me.

It drifts me away from any problems
I've had in the day

and it just brings me back
to zero again, if you like.

It's the one thing in life that
I've always been grateful for,

is just music in general.

The other way Anton keeps himself
calm is by controlling his routine.

I go off timings. Like, I have
two alarms in the morning,

I have 6.10 in the morning,
and then my last one is 6.23.

I've done that
every single working day.

Is the precision of that timing down
to the next thing you have to do,

the next thing you have to do?

Is it a series of boxes
that have to be ticked?

Well, it depends on the situation,

but you've pretty much
nailed it on the head there.

I can't leave a box unticked.

When I got my new job, I actually
timed, using a stopwatch, how long

it took me to get out of bed, walk
to my uniform, put the uniform on

and brush my teeth,
and then walk down the stairs.

I timed that. Right.

As soon as I reach that last step
there, it's bang-on half past six.

And I want it to work. You know,
it can't go out of place.

It can't. What happens if it does?
I started working,

I would take the day off, because
I've left the door two minutes over

the time I should have left
the door.

I would often just stand
in the street and...

my chest would feel like
it's closing up

and tears would just start rolling.

OK, that's then.
What about now?

The last time this happened,

I left the door a minute and a half
late and I'd get a sort of

blurred vision going on,
my chest started tightening up

and I sort of have to sort of, like,
pat myself on the chest

and I sort of, like, rub my eyes
and I just run.

And as soon as I get to the bus
station, I have to go into

the toilets, and that's it,
I have a big blowout.

A few tears here and there and...
I imagine people might think,

"Really, does it matter?" Well,
that's the problem today, isn't it?

I know. I have routines,
but I'm not as rigid as you are.

But I am far more rigid
about visual things. Yeah.

Anything changes in that visual
environment, even if I'm walking

through the woods I walk through
every day and a branch has
blown off the tree,

the environment has changed
so vividly

that it's visually quite upsetting.

I have to stand there and look at it
and I have to think,

"OK, now I've got to get used to
this whole wood looking different

"because that branch is lying on the
ground and I'm not going to put it

"back on the tree, it's going to be
lying on the ground forever now."

So what I do in my own space,
where the wind doesn't blow,

is nothing moves and
nothing changes.

You don't realise how much it means
to me to hear that this goes on

in other people's worlds as well.

It's such a struggle because I think
one thing that I've really

been frustrated about for years
on end, to this day, is trying

to be something I'm not.

So I try my best to fit in
with the people, just so I don't

make myself very obvious.

So I'd say the majority of me mates
don't have a clue.

And it's hard because sometimes
I want to be...

myself and do the things that
I would do in front of people,

but...for years,

I've, I've... I'm proud of myself
that I don't express

that in front of other people,

otherwise they would see
the real autistic me.

But you weren't ever embarrassed
about being autistic,

were you?

You know what?

As much as it pains me
to say this...

there was a time where I would be.

I like Anton very much.

It was joyous to be able to talk
to someone who had the same

experiences or is still having
the same experiences with.

It always makes you feel less lonely
and less remote,

and I think that's one of
the problems that we face,

is that we feel isolated and
sometimes we make ourselves feel

isolated because we do persecute
ourselves for those things

that we see are "our fault",
as it were.

I fear that by hiding aspects
of being autistic, Anton is creating

a barrier between himself
and the non-autistic people

in his life.

I hope the film we make together
will help bridge that gap.

While Anton disguises his autistic
traits in everyday life, the next

person I'm meeting is far
less confident in social situations,

and his hypersensitivity to noise
is causing him to withdraw

from the world.

Ethan's 19,
studying games development.

Goes to college - it's the only time
he leaves home.

Wow.

Home for Ethan is Essex,
where he lives with his mum, dad

and younger sister.

He finds communication difficult.

He avoids socialising, preferring
to stay at home writing music.

Yeah, I think that's better. What do
you think? Yeah, sounds right.

Yeah, sounds a little bit better.

I remember being 19.

Couldn't talk to anyone
and integrate with anyone.

So, I did feel somewhat imprisoned.

I suppose the deepest part
of my sympathy lies with people

of Ethan's age, simply because of
my own life experience.

Also, it's a time when
there's enormous social pressure.

It's a really tough time
for young people.

Ethan has distanced himself
from his classmates

and he barely speaks to them.

He'd like to tell his peers
what his autistic mind looks like,

because they think he's
the quiet kid in the corner

with the headphones on.

I want to see for myself what
college life is like for Ethan.

Hello, Ethan.
How are you?

Yeah, I think I'm OK.

How about you?
Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

Shall we go in, Ethan?
Yes. You lead the way. OK.

Ethan was diagnosed as autistic
aged four, after his parents

noticed his speech was delayed
and he wasn't interacting

with others.

After you. Thank you very much.

For most of his childhood,

he attended a school
for autistic children.

But since moving here, he's become
increasingly isolated.

This is where my classroom is.

This is where I sit,
at the back of the class...

just working.

And this is a part
of my project here.

I need my glasses for this.

"Chaos Control."

"Reimagined soundtrack for
Sonic Adventure 2."

Sonic? Is that the hedgehog?
Yes. Right.

I'm noticing that Ethan
is avoiding eye contact,

a very common autistic trait.

For some of us, it can be physically
uncomfortable, even painful.

How do you find this environment?

At times noisy. In here? At times.

But I just put on my headphones
and just make sure that I'm working.

OK. So it's not that you don't like
people sat next to you, it's just

you don't like the noise that the
people sat next to you make. Yes.

Because you are in your own zone
here, aren't you? Yes.

I can't focus, like, with the noise
around me. OK.

Ethan's hypersensitivity to noise
means that even everyday spaces

like this classroom can feel
unbearably loud.

STUDENTS CHATTER

Just makes me feel less confident
in myself to actually do some work,

in a sense. OK.

So is it purely about work focus
or does it make you uncomfortable

and anxious about other aspects
of your environment?

Other aspects, really and truly.

Right.

I'm interested that Ethan has chosen
to sit as far away from everyone

else as he possibly can.

I'm not judging him, by the way,
because that was me!

That was what I did.

When I was at university,

I would always sit at the front
of the lecture theatre because none

of my fellow students wanted
to sit under the direct glare

of the lecturers.

And with the benefit of hindsight,
I think that that was a profound

lack of confidence.

I thought they were sorted
and I was broken and, therefore,

the only thing I could do
was to be in MY world

where I was in control.

I want to ask Ethan about
these things,

but I'm not entirely sure
that this is the place to do it.

This is the most difficult
part of his world.

I don't want to smash
up his comfort zone

and that's what he's tried to
establish here, so that he can do

what he essentially needs
to do, which is learn.

I hope he might be more comfortable
talking to me back at home.

Welcome to my humble abode.
Thank you very much. You're welcome.

There's my bedroom.

This is where the creativity
happens.

Where the creativity comes. Yes.

Have you always been into music?
Yes. Since I was very young.

Like, listening to it at first,
then deciding to write my own

as I got a little bit older.

OK. Give me a blast of something
that you've recorded.

Give me a minute...
OK. ..we'll have something.

MUSIC PLAYS

Autistic people who struggle
with social communication often find

it easier to express themselves
through music, poetry or art,

but nothing could have prepared me
for Ethan's performance.

RAPS: # Being focused
and I think no more

# Let's turn to write the beats

# And it's better than having to
risk my life for the streets

# If I can talk about my life
All I need is a mic and a beat

# But all the banter, laughter
and craziness is what gets to me

# Other unnecessary sounds
all inflict damage

# Like I'm in the ring with Anthony

# Being autistic and
dealing with that

# Has never been sweet like candy

# Yeah. #

See, I think, you say so much.

All of the things that you do
and don't want are all there.

Yes. Very clearly expressed.

It's really interesting
that you can be so completely

expressive with such clarity.

Just raw emotions is what
I truly express.

It's fantastic.
How often do you write a song?

Every day. Every day? Yes.

It's a part of my routine
to, like, help me.

And what do you think that the other
students in your classes would make

of this when they heard it? I mean,
do you think they might be surprised

that you've... you're saying
so much here, so intensely? Yeah.

But normally you don't spend much
time communicating with them.

They would be surprised.

I think they would,
wouldn't they? Yes.

Did you have "conventional"
friends at school?

People that you'd talk to?

Yes. But that's gone now.

Doesn't happen as much.

Do you miss that?

Er, yes.

# Hearing many people just speak
Laugh and scream these days... #

I hope making a film together
will help Ethan to connect

with his classmates and reveal
the rapper within.

# ..I don't want to hear people
go chat, yeah. #

But before we get started, I want to
know what his mum, Pershie,

thinks about his current
social isolation.

I've just been listening
to Ethan's music.

OK. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

He said to me that he used
to go out,

he used to have people who were more
like conventional friends.

Yes. When did that change?

I'd say when he started college.

He started getting very, very
anxious when he started college.

So he went from being Mr Popular
to college where no-one knew him.

So I think that made him really sad.

But before then, him and his friends
would go out,

he'd do stuff. He was thinking,
"I'm not king of the castle

"like I was. At college,
no-one knows me."

In his world, he's not lonely,
but in my world, he looks lonely.

Are you worried about him?

I mean, in the long-term.
I am. I am,

because I think, "What's going
to happen to him when I'm gone?

"And what happens after uni?"

But he's staying here. Yes. Yes.

Because he's not ready to go
on his own.

He would rather just stay at home,
make his music and just crash.

Maybe one day be in a relationship,
have meaningful friends and...

..have fun.

SHE LAUGHS

What did you do?

We didn't do that much work today.

What? At school?

THEY LAUGH

Wow!

Never say that to your mum and dad.
That's the worst thing you can say!

It strikes me that if Ethan's
classmates understood

how he experiences the world,
why he's always hiding

in his headphones, it might make
it easier for him to make friends

and give him the strength he needs
to step out into the world.

I hope I can help him bridge
this gap, but I am worried

that he's going to find
it difficult to open up.

Is this the house you grew up
in? Yeah, yeah.

As the saying goes, mums know best.
So here in Middlesbrough...

Hello!

..I'm meeting the person
who best understands

how being autistic affects Anton -
his mum, Nicola.

So, Nicola, I've come to ask
you about what Anton

was like when he was a younger
person. Yeah.

I mean, we used to have a lot
of problems with change.

For example, I had my hair
colour changed once

and he just went berserk.

He was attacking me,
pulling my hair.

I had to quickly dye it back, you
know, so he couldn't take change

and he couldn't take visual change.

Anton! Jump in the water.

25% of autistic boys are diagnosed
before the age of six.

Anton's challenging behaviour
led to him

being diagnosed aged four.

REPETITIVE BEATS

Turn it off!

When I was a kid, there were certain
environments that were absolutely

sort of incendiary, really.

They were total no-go zones,
and supermarkets was one of them.

I remember my mother being really
excited about

the "first supermarket", but it was
like the "first hell" for me.

And so, she would love to go
there and it was a disaster.

Back in 2000,
there was a new supermarket

and it was just too much for him.

He just took everything off all
one side of the whole aisle.

He was screaming, he was crying,
he was holding his head

and to everybody around him...

I remember that, I remember the...

the look of horror
on everybody's face

and sometimes, you know, even
disgust, you know, "What the heck?"

It was a mixture of embarrassment,

scared, you know, at what
he was doing.

I just had to get out and it was
just, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I was really sorry to everybody.
I was trying to pick things up.

Things were flying
around all over the place

and in the end, I just didn't
go back.

Looking back on it now, you feel
guilty because you think,

"Oh, God," you know?

What, what must he have felt like,
you know, to...

to have had to feel that way?
And it's awful.

When did things start to get better?

Things got better,

I would say, probably maybe
one year later.

I began to understand

the autistic spectrum and I did
a little bit of voluntary work

within the school as well, you know,
with the other children.

And I found strategies of dealing
with it. There doesn't seem

to be any ambiguity about the fact
that your desire to address

the issues and problems have proved
to be absolutely essential

in getting him where he is today.

But he's still struggling
to this day

and this is the strange thing,

I changed my cupboards around -

this is my house, my stuff, and
I did get rid of a lot of stuff.

And when he visited, he went, "Oh,
no, I don't like this. What's this?"

And he was going from, and he said,
"I can't cope with this,"

and he had to come out.

He said, "I don't want to go
in there now."

So I do worry for his future and
I worry, you know, for his partner.

I hope that she can manage.

How are you doing?

Not too bad.

It's always a bit cringeworthy

listening to your mum
talking about you.

Yeah, distressing hearing
about her, distressed really.

I'm more bothered about the feelings
and the distress caused.

Like, I feel, I feel bad.

That's sort of like the world I'm in
now at the moment.

There's that, like, I can't help
but try and balance to...

keep them people happy and...

But also, at the same time,
explain what's

going on and how I feel about it.

While his family and fiancee
know the real Anton,

not everyone does.

And the people he most wants to get

through to are his five-a-side
football mates.

Ooh-h*-h*!

What do they say?
The boy done good.

I'm not very good on
football parlance.

That's it, Al!

I'm keen to know what Anton
has shared about being autistic

with his team-mates, Alan and Ant.

Did you know that Anton
was autistic before he told you?

No, not really.
No. Not a clue, no.

Did you sense there was anything
different about him, though?

Sometimes there's a little bit
of social awkwardness,

some things he does,

but I've never put a stamp
on him because of that.

So were you surprised, then?
Yeah, I was very surprised, yeah.

Because, obviously, I have a brother
that's autistic and he's quite,

quite wild. And he's down-to-earth
and nothing different about him.

Just seems like a normal,
genuine guy.

And has he been able
to tell you what his life's

like in terms of it being a bit
different than most people's?

No, not really. I mean, he comes
to football like the rest of us.

He has a partner like most of us.

And he has his own home
like the majority of us.

So, no, not really.

There's nothing really different
about him as far as I can see.

I'm reassured his friends are so
supportive and I hope they'll feel

the same when Anton reveals his
struggles with routine and change.

He's made such phenomenal progress.

He just needs to be able to move
that next step to communicate

everything to these people
around him - how he feels,

how he interprets the world.

And I just think that if he can
just take that up a level,

he's going to make real progress.

Since our last meeting,
Ethan has been busy

channelling his feelings
about sensory overload

into a new track.
# Every time I rap

# I bring something different
to the table... #

And I've booked a professional
recording studio so he can lay

down the lyrics.

# ..Sounds of conversation
would be one of them

# Sounds of footsteps
would be another

# Sounds of dogs
will be one of them

# Sounds of crying will be another
Especially tears from babies... #

This new track will form
the basis of the film

we'll show to his friends.

I hope that when people watch the
film, it'll help them understand

that it's OK to be different,
it's OK to not

have, like, the brightest
presence in the room.

With the help of designer
Chaz Golding, we're going to turn

Ethan's words into the ultimate
music video.

Chaz has created dramatic visuals
for artists from Kanye West

to Rita Ora.

Hi, Ethan. I'm Chaz. How are
you doing? You all right?

I want him to give Ethan the same
A-list treatment to show visually

how the chaos of college
makes him feel.

So I thought what might be nice
is if we got a sketchbook out

and then you can maybe scribble
down some thoughts.

Yes, definitely. OK. Great.

If you imagine that this is
the start of your journey

into college,
this is you in the classroom

and this is your journey
between the two dots.

So, at what point during
that journey is the most
kind of traumatic for you?

Right here would be
the canteen area.

There will be a lot of noises here.
Unexpected voices,

so that's one of them.
Chairs being pushed in and out.

Yeah. The sound of the legs dragging
on the floor. Yes.

And then, just a lot
of footsteps in general.

Yeah. There's no carpet in college
as well, right?

There is. There is carpet?

There is but it's still...
Even then, it's still loud.

Yeah, you can still hear that. Yes.

Wow. So if you were to draw
that as the sound wave,

what would that feel
like along this journey?

Could you try and draw a sound wave?

So this would be here, spikes,

then here, another spike.

Whenever I'm in the classroom,

too many of them. Too many spikes.

I would say the sentence that comes
to mind, and it's the only sentence

that I have, is this chaos
cannot be controlled.

And I'm just there in the corner at
the back of the class, just trying

to make sure that everything is fine
but really and truly it's not.

To give me a better understanding of
what's going on inside Ethan's head,

I'm meeting an expert in autistic
hypersensitivity, Dr Luke Beardon.

He's chosen to meet me here at the
Moor Market, it's an indoor market,

I can see that, and it looks
pretty busy.

Not necessarily in terms of people,
but in terms of sensory stimuli

of all kinds.
I can already smell it from outside!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, well, here goes.

Oh, God.

Nearly all autistic people report
being unusually responsive

to at least one of the senses.

Bright lights, temperature,
unexpected noises, texture and taste

can all be challenging.

Here, it's the smells
that are bothering me the most.

The fruit is the worst
of all for me.

I don't know why. That citrus,
sicky citrus fruit smell,

when you mingle it in
with everything else,

is really unpleasant.

You must be Luke. Hi, Chris.
Hello. Welcome.

I feel like I should apologise
in advance for dragging you here.

You must apologise! I feel like
you're taking one for the team.

Luke is a senior lecturer
and autism researcher

at Sheffield Hallam University.

He's dedicated his career
to speaking to autistic people

about their experiences.

Why is my sensory experience
here so radically different

from a non-autistic person?

What's happening is your primary
senses, whether they're good or bad

or indifferent, are picking up
all of that external stimuli,

and what happens then is what I call
the filtering process.

The brain takes that sensory
information, filters it

and then, what the non-autistic
person ends up with is a conscious

understanding of the sensory
environment. OK.

So are you saying that for
non-autistic people they are able

to block this, some of this out?
A huge amount of it out.

They're actually not aware of
certain sounds or smells or sights

and so on, whereas, the autistic
person is aware of all of it.

But how does that work mechanically?

How is that wiring different
in my brain?

There's no definitive answer,
which makes the whole sensory side

of things, A, fascinating and B,
extraordinarily complex.

Shall we go for a little walk?
Absolutely.

To continue to stimulate
our senses.

Being unable to filter out
this onslaught of information

can have significant consequences
for autistic people.

Someone hypersensitive to smell
might vomit at the faintest

whiff of perfume.

Someone hypersensitive to sound
might, like Ethan,

find it challenging to leave home.

That maybe somewhat dark side
of the sensory world

needs to be embraced and understood
and accepted as well.

I know individuals, for example,
who have not eaten at school

because the smell of the cafeteria

is enough that they cannot
digest food.

I know young adults who have
ended up in anorexia wards not

because they're anorexic
but because they have sensory

aversions to certain types of food.

And that behaviour has been
misunderstood in these examples

as anorexia, as opposed
to understanding the person

from an autistic perspective.

OK. Let's leave the fish.

After the stress of the market,
I want to take Luke somewhere

I feel more comfortable, to explore
one of the contradictions of autism.

Why I, like so many, seek out
specific sensations.

When I go into the supermarket,
ideally, I'd like to be able

to block stuff out and I do block
it out by just simply not going.

When I come here, I want
everything to come in -

the sound of the trees in the wind,
the sound of the trees in the rain.

And to know them differently, for
me, is, brings... I'm just going to

say it brings me joy.

It's not... Actually, it's not...
It's comfort it brings me.

I think what you're describing
is a conscious

effort of sensory seeking.

If you've identified something
that soothes you, gives you joy,

gives you comfort, that you're then
going to be hyper aware of that.

What about Ethan? Does it
strike you in any way

as ironic that here is a young man

who's got a super sensitivity
to sound and yet,

he's massively into music?

He composes music, which by
definition, I would say anyway,

is better heard loud.

I don't think it's ironic

and it doesn't surprise me
in the slightest.

The noise, in and of itself,
is fairly immaterial,

it's the unexpected nature of it.

There's absolutely, categorically no
denying that some autistic people's

sensory experiences are the best
thing to them about being autistic.

I've heard people saying,
"I feel so sorry for people

"who don't experience the sensory
joy that I experience by sniffing

"the dog or listening to the noise
of geese on brand-new snow."

So there's this extraordinary
juxtaposition on the one hand

of sensory joy and on the other
hand, sensory distress, sometimes

within the same individual.

Luke has given me
a broader perspective

on Ethan's sensory world.

I want to inject this into his film
to help his classmates hear

what he hears, feel what he feels
and, hopefully, change the way

they see him.

Up in Middlesbrough,

Anton is spending the day
with Ty Unwin, the composer

he'll be working with
to soundtrack his film.

When I come to the bus stop
every morning,

this is where I lean. To get
a full picture of Anton's complex

relationship with time and routine,

I've suggested that Ty accompany him
on his journey to work.

So, what time do the bus come?

7.03.

So you've left the house at 6.55.

Yeah. You're here at 6.58?

Yeah. You're here with six minutes
to spare. Yep.

Has it ever not arrived
for any reason?

There's a time where it came at,
I think it was like 7:01. OK.

And it was one of them where
I sort of thought,

"All right, it's here.

"At least I know I'm getting
to work," you know?

But did it throw you?
It kind of did, yeah.

If for whatever reason, you did miss
it, how would that make you feel?

I can't begin to imagine what would
happen if it didn't turn up

or if I missed it.

Really? Yeah.

I think it would really...
ruin the day.

I think it... To the point where
I might not even go to work.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

All right, mate?

While Ty is seeing for himself
how much routine affects Anton,

I'm exploring the science
behind this aspect of autistic life.

Dr Punit Shah is a senior
lecturer in psychology

at the University of Bath.

Hello. Hi, Chris. Come in.
Lovely to meet you.
Thank you for coming along.

His work focuses on trying
to understand the processes

behind restricted and
repetitive behaviours,

something which Anton
and I have in common.

For these questions, I want you
to give me a number between

one to five and say how much
you endorse or identify

with these statements.

So let's start with, "There are
certain activities that I always

"choose to do the same way
every time."

It's not ALL things that I would
choose to do in the same way,

but there are certain things that I
would HAVE to do in the same way.

So, yeah, five. OK.

"I often insist on doing things in
a certain way or redoing things

"until they're just right."

The redoing thing is
the story of my life.

I'm constantly redoing everything

to try and get it righter.
Yeah, five.

So Chris, here's my final
question.

I like to arrange things
in rows or patterns.

Yeah, there's... Yeah.
Little doubt about that.

I'll tell you what, I can
demonstrate that - rather than

answer the question, I can show you
the answer to that question.

OK. Punit, yeah, just come upstairs.

There are many elements of my life
that I control rigidly,

so providing an example isn't hard.

So firstly, there are
different wardrobes

with different sets
of T-shirts in.

So these are my everyday T-shirts.

What's important is obviously
there's a spectrum order here.

I also like to have
a uniformity of hangers,

and the hangers need to be
equally spaced.

I think we'll score that a five.
OK.

Forgive the oxymoron -

is this "normal" for autistic
people, this stuff?

Well, restricted
and repetitive behaviours

manifest in different ways.

This tendency to apply order,
whether it's to clothes, shoes,

whatever it might be, there is
a sort of common theme there

that we do see,
which is a part of autism.

For me, it's about T-shirts.

For Anton, it's time.

Have we any idea,
neurophysiologically,

what is going on
in mine and Anton's minds

when it comes to these needs
to adhere to pattern?

In short, not really.

I think for a long time
we've used brain-imaging studies

and quite small-scale studies
to try and probe this,

but actually a lot of that research

wasn't as robust
as we thought it was,

particularly because
we don't understand the behaviours.

Punit, in the past, some of those
traits would have been seen

to have been at least annoying,
at worst antisocial.

But now we're beginning
to respect the fact

that they represent abilities
for autistic people.

Yeah, they were certainly seen
as a deficit, some people would say,

and as a problem to be stopped.
But as we've learned more about

restricted and repetitive
behaviours,

we found that it's not
necessarily helpful to stop them.

And actually in certain cases
where it's not harmful,

self-injurious
or harming other people,

that it can be good for the person
to regulate their own emotions

and other aspects of themselves,

but may also be linked to strengths
and talents in autism.

Seeing benefits in autistic
behaviour is a major change

in scientific thought,

and one that I hope will improve
perceptions in the wider world.

In London, Anton and I are meeting
designer Paul Tigwell,

who will help visualise
his rigid adherence to routine.

What's the one thing that

you're really interested
in getting from Anton?

In particular moments of stress,

how do you actually see
the world visually?

Sometimes out of nowhere,
there's no build-up,

it just sort straight...
I get this sort of blurred vision.

Something sort of echoes.

And like, sometimes I have to
sort of like, rub my head like this.

And I sometimes talk to myself
in my head.

I often have this voice that says,
like,

"You've got two minutes to
finish that coffee,

"grab your bag, out the house."

So it's like a sort of little,
like, routine where I sort of like,

I'm doing my thing
and then I'm going...

and then it's like...
You know what I mean?

Paul's going to use these ideas
to create a look for Anton's film,

while Ty begins to put it
to a beat.

What kind of speed
are we talking about?

TAPS ON TABLE

Bit faster.

Yeah?

So all we'll do is...

DRUMBEAT PLAYS

Tempo wise, how does that feel?

Yeah. Yeah? Absolutely.

So you can either have it
kind of goes...

SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON BEAT

Or you have the emphasis
on the off beat. So you go...

SECOND DRUM LINE ADDED ON OFF BEAT

With soundtracks for both films
taking shape,

it's down to my film crew
to record the visuals.

In Basildon, we start on the streets
surrounding Ethan's college.

What I would like you to do

is perhaps going to be holding
this camera here. OK.

In Middlesbrough, we're filming
every carefully timed moment...

..of Anton's journey
to football practice.

Perfect. Walk towards us
as if we're not here.

Just keep walking.

Go for it, Anton.

That's it. Yes! You got it.
Nailed it.

What a throw!

Footage captured, the graphics team
combine all of these elements

into two films
that accurately reflect

Ethan and Anton's
autistic experiences.

I can't wait to share the results
with their families and friends.

First up, Ethan's film is ready
to show to his classmates.

This is the cinema
where Ethan's film

is going to get its world premiere,

but it's no ordinary screen
that it's going to be projected on.

Just take a look at this.

What we want is a completely
immersive experience,

and I think
we're likely to get it here

because, look,
this is the main screen,

but here the images
are projected all up the walls,

so you're virtually surrounded.

It's going to be intense.
I presume it's going to be loud.

It's visually
going to be challenging

because you're not just
looking at that,

you've got it all around you.
And this, we hope,

will for the audience
replicate that part

of Ethan's autistic experience.

EXHALES

It could be quite something in here,
I've got to say.

I'm bracing myself for this.

As a coachload of staff
and students from the college

start to arrive...
Ethan! Hello.

..I have a few moments
to catch up with

the newly confident
star of the show.

I've seen the film. Did you?

It's fantastic, isn't it?

Are you pleased? I am.

It is a very accurate representation
of my autistic experience

and how I deal with life.

Do you think that the viewers
are going to be able to get

that greater understanding
of what it's like to be you

when it comes to the acoustic world?

Yeah, definitely.

And how do you feel about
showing them?

Because at the moment
you're on the brink of sort of

baring your autistic soul
to these people. I am.

Hopefully they will get
a better understanding of me

as someone who's autistic.

I'm on the edge of my seat,
quite literally,

to see how they react to it.
And you've got me into a cinema.

I've got to say, I haven't
been to the cinema...

I'll tell you,
the last time I went - Avatar.

that's how long ago it was. Wow.
Got me into a cinema,

and I'm here and I'm really excited.
Oh, wow.

Anyway, we're nearly there.

We are. After you. Thank you.

The crowd take their seats, and I
can feel the excitement building.

Ethan's mum, dad and sister
are all here,

along with Chaz
from the creative team.

This film is Ethan's
autistic experience

condensed into two minutes.

I really hope it will help
his classmates see him differently.

MUSIC, WHOOSHING AND CRACKLING

LAUGHTER

# Too much happens within one place

# That gives me sensory overload

# I have a gut feeling in my gut

# That I just want to go home

# Makes me feel unsure about life
Feeling distant and empty

# On my way to college

# What will be the sounds
that will affect me?

BARKING

WHOOSH OF TRAFFIC

# As soon as I walked in the doors
there will be chaos

# Anticipate it like a movie

# Yeah, but I thought
it would be a calm day

# But it's not, really and truly

# Everyone's eating, drinking

# Cooking up, buying stuff
and blaring music

# All of that will be intrusive

# And that's enough
to make me lose it

# There's noise in the room

# Coping with that,
I don't know if I would

# My classmates play the beat
in a club

# I don't think they would

# Queue tellers in the classroom
will politely tell 'em shush... #

Hello!
Can you turn the music off?

# But then it comes back
seconds later

# For them it's not a good look

# Sometimes I'm cool with it
Other times I'm not

# If there's too much going on
in my eyes and ears

# Motivation is gone
Like I'm driving in a Lamborghini

# Or taking flesh to Santorini

# Dealing, but the craziness
has not been easy

# This chaos here
cannot be controlled

# My mind goes blank
and I feel powerless

# And my confidence will go

# This will be one of the most
telling songs to record

# Now that's the end of the song
I hope that you get me more. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How do you feel?

I feel amazed by everyone
watching the film.

Thank you for coming along to watch
it and thank you for turning up.

I didn't expect this to happen,
but so grateful that you're here.

Aww.

Literally amazing.

It's fantastic, man.
Thank you.

It was...it was cool.
It was very cool.

We could see that...
It was very obvious

that you'd worked
really hard on it.

I think the end result is actually
really sick. Thank you.

It's, like, brung a whole new view
into autism for me

because I didn't really
understand it much

and it kind of maybe
opened my eyes a bit more

into understanding how it works.

Everything was amazing.
Like, I really liked it.

All the sounds being very difficult
to take in,

because normally for...
For me, I just, like, walk past.

Nothing affects me.

Imagine if Ethan was just trying
to explain to you in words

what you've just seen
in images and sound.

To be honest,
I wouldn't understand it.

It would be very hard
to understand.

It's very hard to understand
what he's going through

because it's so intense.

The way you portray your feelings
through music as well,

just get everyone aware
of what you feel.

Just amazing. Like, keep it up.

You're doing amazing.

The film seems to have had
a profound effect

on Ethan's fellow students,
and they're leaving

not only with a better understanding
of his autistic mind,

but also of his creativity
and passion.

It was amazing. The visual
part of it as well was just...

Even Ethan's family
have had their views challenged.

The speech - dude,
did you write that?

Nah, nah, nah...
No, he really...

That was eloquent. That's...

Yeah. Wow.

That was pretty impressive.

It was excellent. Eye-opening.

I didn't think the noise
affected him that much.

The portrayal
is a chaotic experience.

Everyday experience, basically,
it's just chaos.

I didn't realise I was very selfish
because I always say to Ethan,

"Come on, let's just go shopping.

"Let's do this. You'll be fine.
Let's just go."

And I'm thinking, "Wow.
So every time I say that to him,

"it's just... He experiences this?"

And I felt really, really bad.

Well, up until now,
without all of that,

you know, effort and ability
that he's mustered to make the film,

it would have been quite hard
to understand.

How do you feel?
I feel relieved.

I feel amazed
that they got the message.

It has given me
a bit of a confidence boost,

made me feel excited for life.

So do you think
you can start making friends

like you did
when you were at your old school?

That day will happen.
I'm glad you did this,

and it feels like a big weight
off your shoulders, isn't it?

It does. Just laid all your cards
on the table. I did.

Say, "This is me." Yes.
Good. I'm proud of you.

Well done. Thank you.

For me, the film worked.

His fellow students, who came here
not really knowing much about Ethan

because he hadn't let them
into his world,

he couldn't let them into his world,
have left here, and they've told us,

with a far better understanding

of the way that Ethan
experiences his life.

He's gone beyond someone
who was uncomfortable and troubled

and needed to manage himself,

through his own creativity
and songwriting ability,

into a communicator.

A communicator about
what it's like to be autistic.

And that's brilliant.
And it's put a smile on my face.

Following the success
of Ethan's film premiere,

I've got high hopes for Anton's.

How are you feeling, then?
Psyched.

But I haven't told him
where it's going to be screened.

It's quite a big step.

You're exposing yourself
to a lot of people

about a very important part
of your life.

It's what I've always wanted to do,
to be honest,

get that message out.

Is this is where it is?

Yeah.

Tonight, Anton's film will be shown
on the big screen

at Middlesbrough's
Riverside Stadium.

It's my second home.
She's beautiful, isn't she?

Well, I wouldn't call it
an architectural wonder, personally.

Up the Boro!

What's it like being in here?

It's something else, this.
Something else.

My heroes are in here.

While Anton imparts some football
knowledge, his fans, his family,

fiancee and football mates
take their positions.

Bit apprehensive. Bit stressed.

LAUGHS

Just, like, that it'll go right
and that it'll all fall into place.

I'm just really excited to see
what we're going to be showing

and also to see
Anton's reaction to it.

I mean, he seems to be a lot happier
about sort of him and himself

at football since doing it.

He's opened up a lot more
to the other lads at football.

In terms of a reaction, what are
you hoping for, do you think?

I want people to feel proud.

You know, I don't want to blow
my trumpet, but, you know,

I've came a long way and...

..I think it deserves
to be celebrated.

You watch that film
and you're going to learn something.

So I think they'll be surprised.

But along with that, I hope there's
an understanding, acceptance,

maybe a different approach.

It's time. It's the final,
for once, on this pitch. Yeah.

Let's go.

CHEERING

THEY LAUGH

Fans are in!

It's not the full 30,000, but...
I don't need 30,000.

That's good enough for me.

For the first time in Anton's life,

he's revealing how extreme
his response to change can be.

Why don't we roll the film?

MUSIC PLAYING

Being on the pitch
means everything to me.

The people, the passion.

But getting here isn't always easy.

For me, being autistic means
I need a routine.

I need a beat.

BEAT INTENSIFIES

I need a rhythm.

Monday night is practice, this week,
next week, every week.

I leave the house at 7:43.

Never later.

I'll wait by the door if I'm early.

It takes one minute to unlock
my bike, helmet, check the lights.

I can hear the track in my head
building to the drop.

BEAT DROPS
The journey takes four minutes,

30 seconds, leaving me ten minutes

to warm up
and get my head in the game.

But today...

MUSIC PAUSES

20 seconds late.

30 seconds late.

Match starts at eight.

Come on!

BEAT DROPS

I need that time back.

I make it.

But today, nothing's going right.

This isn't what I was expecting.

The beat has gone.

This will stay with me for hours.
Days.

Just going round like a record.

It might seem strange to you.

Does it matter that I'm late
or if I miss a game?

But it does for me.

Sudden change leaves me
feeling out of control.

Sometimes I can't cope at all.

BEAT DROPS

I can deal with change,
but I need some warning.

This is the night I wanted.

Everything going to plan.

I feel safe. I feel secure.

And now I can have fun.

APPLAUSE

What did you think?

I thought it was eye-opening,

knowing that that's going on
in his mind,

that he's sort of concentrating
on everything.

It must be really stressful to sort
of deal with that all of the time.

Something that we...
That I, sorry, take for granted.

I feel like I can go
and have a little chat with him now,

just maybe ask him how he's doing
a bit more.

I think that was really good.

I just think it gives everyone
an insight to what you go through

and what we go through every day.

That explained better about me
than me explaining it to people.

Yeah, because I think you struggle
to get your words out sometimes.

What do you think, then?

I think in that two minutes,
there's a lot of information.

I didn't even know
that little bit myself

about how hard it was for him.

I have seen him suffering
and not known why,

but now he's been able to put it
into some sort of words,

I think I probably would be able
to speak more now, maybe,

I think he would be able to
explain to me more things now.

You've had a few good nights here.

How does this one rate?

Couldn't get any better than that,
could you? Could you?

I don't think so.
It was quite heartening.

You did tell me that you,
in the past at least,

have been nervous about outwardly
expressing your autistic experience

to other people. Mmm.

But now it's done.
Yeah. It's out there.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah, I feel immensely proud

that I've had the courage
to do that.

It wasn't easy.

I'm so glad that I've done it.

That film gives people
a real insight

into part of Anton's
autistic experience.

But the key thing was the reaction
of his friends and family,

because his mum said that she'd just
learned something from it.

And what that says to me

is if his own family
don't get it after 25 years,

that's a measure of that difficulty.

And tonight, a measure
of his success,

because he has put his cards
on the table.

And I think he's met his mission
of becoming a role model.

What I've been trying to do is give
four autistic people the opportunity

to tell the people they love
how they truly feel.

To be more autistic in public
than they previously were.

And every time they've done it,
they've absolutely shone.

But I hope it doesn't stop here.

I hope that everyone
who watches these films

will become more accepting of
the autistic people in their lives.

The people we work with, socialise
with, walk past in the street.

Because the more
we understand each other,

the better all our lives
will become.

Discover more about autistic minds

and the innovations being used
by autistic people

in their daily lives.

Go to bbc.co.uk/autism

and follow the links
to the Open University.