01x10 - Confession

[bunniefuu]

Let's get out of here
and go to the bar.

Yeah, I'd like to get there
before all the hot chicks are taken.

Are you comin', Lou?

Yeah, I'll get a beer.

Hey, Rich...

- did you...
- Oh, this?

That's just piss.

- You pissed your pants?
- Sure.

You know,
there's a bathroom back there.

Urine is rich
in pheromones.

- What?
- Pheromones, you idiot.

Didn't you ever
learn science?

When I pissed my pants
just now,

I released millions
of pheromones.

And that...
triggers attraction in the female.

Yeah, but you pissed
your pants.

And I suggest
you do the same.

Now let's go.

I have to get to the bar
before this dries.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Oh, Jesus.

Were you up all night
watching stolen cable?

Yeah.

I was watching
"An Officer and a Gentleman."

I was waiting
for the nude scene

so I could jerk off
and go to bed...

but they cut it out.

f*cking TBS
sucks sh*t.

Honey, your day
is so f*cked.

Why?
It's Sunday. L...

Yeah. I'm working today,

you have Lucy
all day and you forgot.

So... good luck, dummy.

Papa, what are we doing now?

We're eating our breakfast.

I'm done eating breafkast.

What is your problem?

I made a snowman.

Papa, listen to me.

I have things to say.

Why don't you go
play in your room, okay?

I don't wanna
play by myself.

How about Lisa?
You wanna play with her?

Okay!

Good.

Hi, Ellen.
Lucy was wondering

- if she could play with Lisa today.
- Hi, Lisa.

Oh, well, Lisa and I were
just on our way to church.

- Mommy, can Lucy come with us?
- Yeah, Papa, can I?

Oh, well, honey,
we're late as it is,

and Lucy isn't really dressed
for church anyway.

Oh, no problem.
Hold on.

Here we go.

All right.

All right, here we go.

All right, all set.

Thanks a lot, Ellen.

So I take it
you're not coming.

- You know, ordinarily l...
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay. See you.

Hello?

Anybody home?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wh... what are you doing
home so early?

- I swapped shifts with Teresa.
- Why?

To give dummy a break.
Where's Lucy?

Uh, she's with Lisa
and Ellen.

Oh, Louie,
you pawned her off on Ellen?

- I'll go get her.
- Uh, actually,

they took her to church.

What?

No.

Yeah, I thought
maybe I dreamt it,

but no, I actually did it.

Louie, what the f*ck?!

You don't just send
our daughter to church!

What's the big deal?
I was tired.

But we have
never even discussed

whether or not we want her
to have church in her life.

- Well, do we?
- No!

Just take it easy, Kim, all right?

It's just one day
in a church.

It's not gonna
alter her DNA.

- Mommy!
- Lucy! Mmm.

Church was scary!

Oh, honey.

I am sorry,
but nobody told me

that Lucy had never been
to church before.

There was a man
stuck on a tree

and his name was Jesus
and he scared me!

Oh, baby, it's okay.

I didn't like him!

Sweetie, it's all right.

Jesus isn't real.
He's just pretend.

Okay?

He's just a funny
pretend man.

He's just silly.

Ellen, thank you so much
for taking care of her.

I'm really sorry
that Louie dumped her off on you.

It's okay.
Lisa, let's go.

Mommy, it's Sunday.

Lucy, ow!

Wake up.
It's time to go to church.

Lucy, we don't go
to church.

It's scary, remember?

But I want to. I wanna give
Jesus band-A*DS and slippers.

How does she even know
that you go to church on Sundays?

Because she's smart.

That's why we should have
been there her first time.

Come on, let's go
to church now.

I'll wait for you
in the kitchen.

Ugh, get off,
you f*cking an*s!

- Hi, Lisa.
- Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Ellen.

"And David put
his hand in his bag

and took thence a stone

and slung it

and smote the Philistine
in his forehead.

And the stone sank
into his forehead

and he fell
upon his face to the earth."

I think the boredom
is working on her.

Good. Give it
a little longer.

"...and smote
the Philistine

and slew him,

but there was no sword
in the hand of David."

Stop that.

What?

Don't eat in church.

They're all up there
eatin' Jesus,

why can't I have this?

I have to go
to the bathroom.

I'm going
to the bathroom.

"...comes to God,
and to the gates of..."

Would you like
to confess?

Huh?

We don't usually
take confession during mass,

but I saw someone in here.

Do you need absolution?

Uh, no.

I'm sorry,
I'm not Catholic.

I'm just, uh, hiding.

Hiding?

From what?

Uh...

my wife.

Sounds like you're
carrying a burden.

Would you let God
shoulder it for you?

No, l... thanks, Father,

but I'm not really
religious at all.

You don't believe in God?

No. Do you?

Um... yes.

Sorry.

I believe in hell, though.

- You do?
- Oh, yeah.

I worry about hell.
I have nightmares about it.

- Really?
- Yup.

Tell me about it.

Well, I have this dream

where I'm
in a hallway in hell

and this demon
walks up to me

and he says,
"Hey, suck my d*ck," you know?

And so...

So anyway, I'm blowing
the demon for a while

and then...

and then when I'm done,

this dude who's, like,
in charge of hell,

he walks up to me
and he says,

"Hey, man, you didn't
have to blow that guy, you know?

He just hangs out here.

He's not part
of your official damnation.

I mean, you're gonna
be here for eternity

and you're gonna have a lot
of demons you have to blow,

so don't be freelancing
in the hallways."

And I feel like an idiot,

because the demon came fire ants
all over my face, you know?

Hello?

Yes, that's very... vivid.

Yeah. I'm sorry, man.

It's okay.

Look, obviously,

you're carrying
a lot of guilt.

Now maybe if you told me

what's bothering you today...

what burden
drove you in here?

You know what it is?
I'm a shitty father.

I was supposed to
take care of my daughter,

but instead I let the neighbors
take her to church.

Can you believe that?

And she got really into it.

And now my wife's
stuck out there too.

God damn it,
I'm such a d*ck.

First of all,

I wish you wouldn't sin
in the confessional.

Oh, sorry.

It's okay.

You had some guilt
and you just unburdened it.

Now how did that feel?

Good.

I take it you don't know
your "Hail Marys" or your "Our Fathers."

No.

Well, then
in the name of the Father

and of the Son
and the Holy Spirit,

I absolve you
of all your sins.

Wow.

That felt great!

- So you went to confession?
- Yeah.

You're not even Catholic, are you?

- No.
- Well, what's Kim? Is she Catholic?

I think Catholic or Jewish.
I don't know.

How do you
not know that?

Well, she told me when
we were first dating,

and then I forgot
and now I'm afraid to ask.

Eh.

She's probably Jewish.

Yeah, religions are
all bullshit.

They're for a bunch of nitwits
who don't want to admit

that we're all just a bunch
of slimy fish who grew legs;

for morons who can't accept
the fact that there's no God.

Of course there's a God.

What proof
is there of that?

Who do you think
made you, as*h*le?

What the f*ck
does that mean?

Where did you come from?

My mother's c**t.

Okay, where'd she
come from?

Her mother's c**t.

And her mother's c**t
before that.

And it goes back
like that

from c**t to c**t
to c**t to c**t...

All the way back,
till eventually

you get to that slimy fish
with no legs.

Okay, where'd the fish
come from?

His legless mother's c**t.

You see,
everything and everybody

comes from
their mother's c**t.

Hold on.
With all these c**ts,

I mean, they had
to come from somewhere.

Where did
they come from?

I guess they all come
from one big, giant c**t.

Yeah.
And that's God.

Maybe. Maybe.

Papa, can I have
another pancake?

Sure. I'm glad you like 'em.

- Hey, you want another one?
- Oh no, thank you.

Are you sure?
I've got plenty left.

Oh, I know,
but they're very filling.

I think you overdid it
with the nuts a little.

I just don't think
pancakes should be crunchy.

Yeah, I can see that.

So I made pancakes, right?

It's all right.
God's listening.

I got up early,
I made pancakes from scratch.

- I was just trying to make her happy.
- Okay.

Lucy loved the pancakes.

They're good.

But Kim says...

she goes,
"Pancakes shouldn't be crunchy."

Can you believe that sh*t?

No "thank you,"
just "shouldn't be crunchy."

Did you tell her
how you felt?

Yeah, boy, you could tell
you've never been married.

Okay, well,

I'm not sure
what you want from me here.

Well, can you absolve me
like before?

But where's the sin?

I guess I'm confessing
that my wife...

oh, I wanna
just punch her right in the face.

All right,
harboring violence in your heart.

That's good, yeah, 'cause I really do
wanna punch her in the face.

All right.

In the name
of the Father and of the Son

and the Holy Spirit,
I absolve you of all your sins.

Sweet.

- Hi, poops.
- Hey, Tina.

- I'm going for a walk.
- Yeah? Okay.

I just wanna get some exercise.

I won't be long.

Is something wrong?

Yeah, he's been going
for these walks lately.

He says he's trying
to lose weight, but I don't know.

Are you guys
having trouble?

No. If anything,
he's been easier to get along with.

He got up with Lucy
the other day, made pancakes.

I don't know
what's wrong with him.

Have you smelled
his p*nis?

What?

He disappears,
he's in a good mood,

and you saw that sweater
he was wearing.

Smell his p*nis.

- Ellen.
- Hi, Kim. Is Louie here?

- No. Why?
- I was running late for church

and I was wondering
if you wanted to share a cab.

Oh, thanks,
but we're not going anymore.

Oh. I just thought...
because I've been

- seeing him there a lot lately.
- You have?

Yeah.

I mean, he's usually
in the confessional.

He's confessing?

Smell it, honey.

If you don't, I will.

Sometimes...

sometimes when we
go to parties

she starts telling these long stories
that just go on and on.

I can see...
just the pain in people's faces,

but she's totally
oblivious to it.

It's like she's never
seen somebody interested,

so she doesn't know
what it looks like.

She thinks the normal face people
make when they're listening

is like this...

I can't see you.

And also, this is not
a sin of any kind.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Um, I wanna confess
that I really just wanna...

Louie, what are you
doing in here?!

What the hell?
Get out of here!

What is he telling you?!
What's going on?!

Tell me!
He's my husband!

- Ma'am, if you could just...
- Wait a minute.

It's none of your business
what I'm telling him.

Are you
fooling around on me?

- Is he?!
- Maybe if you two step into my office...

No no no.
This is my time. Tell her to leave.

Okay, you know what?

Both of you, go home.

Hey, you're black.

So?

Nothing.
It's just interesting.

- Louie!
- Look.

You're not Catholic either, are you?

- No, I'm Jewish.
- Ah.

Okay, look, this is
none of my business,

but if there's ever been
two people on earth

that need to talk
to each other, it's you.

Go home, sit down
and talk.

Please.

He didn't sound black.

I hope I didn't say
anything, you know...

Come on!

Okay, she's down.

Why were you confessing
those things to a priest?

Because I can't
tell you those things.

Why can't you tell me?

It would start a fight.
It wouldn't be worth it.

We've been married
for five years.

Things just build up
that you can't say.

I know you have
some buildup.

Well, yeah, I guess so,

but we should be able
to talk to each other.

I know.

Well, maybe we should.

Why don't you tell me

something that
you don't wanna tell me?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, fine.

Two days ago
Rich called

and I told him I would tell you,
but I didn't tell you.

Actually, Rich calls a lot more
than you're aware of.

And I don't tell you

because I don't want to.

- Okay.
- You go now.

Okay, um...

I'm really proud of you
that you became a nurse,

but sometimes,

you know...

you're just a nurse.

You're not
the first nurse.

It's not like
you're a doctor.

Just sometimes
you get a little...

I mean, I could be
a nurse. So what?

Hmm.

Okay.

Your ba*ls are weird.

Wha... what...

what do you mean?
How are they weird?

They're weird,
the weirdest ba*ls I've ever seen.

It's just
the way they hang.

Weird.

I'm just kinda sick
of your weird little ba*ls.

Maybe we shouldn't
do this. It's not...

No no no no.
Let's keep going.

We're confessing.

All right.

Sometimes
when we're f*cking

I pretend
you're blowing me.

Actually, every time.

I feel bad,
'cause it's like

I'm cheating on your p*ssy
with your mouth.

Okay.

Noted.

You know what?

It does bug me
you never got me an engagement ring.

Cheap m*therf*cker.

You go now.

Okay, uh...

let's see...

Okay, well...

I'm out.

I mean, that's it.

There's nothing
that you don't know.

Same.

Wow, I feel empty...

like a shell.

Me too.

And I know
so many things about you

I wish I could un-know.

But it feels good.

It's peaceful.

Yeah, I mean, I got nothing
to hide from you now.

It's great.
We should do this again.

Yeah, in another
five years.

Mama.

Oh, God, Lucy's up.
We're both f*cked for the day.

Mama, I wanna go
to Rachel's house,

and then she said that
then we can have Danny come over.

Oh, and I have to tell you
about this dream that I had.

It was about me
and this pony...

yay! TV!
I wanna watch "The Funnies,"

'cause I love
Mr. Funny and...