01x06 - Flowers for Kim

[bunniefuu]

Mama, Papa,
come and see my show.

We'll be in
in a minute, sweetie.

Mama, Papa, come in here
and see my show now.

It's a dancing show.

Okay, time for the show, Papa.

No, thanks.

I already saw three
of her shows today.

They're generally
not good shows.

Mama, Papa, come see
my show now.

You know what works great, Lucy?
Saying "please."

Okay.
Or that works too.

- Now, you both sit on the bed.
- Okay.

And now,
announcing the show of all the stars,

and the show
of the dancing girl

who will dance
a magical dance!

- Yeah!
- And the first dance is

"Puppy, the Pussycat."

And are you ready for the show?

- Yes, we are ready.
- Yay.

Okay, and...

are you ready
for the show?

Yay, we're ready, Lucy.
Please start.

And so I start it.

Hey!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Closed.
Come back tomorrow.

But it's not 5:00.
I still have 10 minutes.

It's Friday afternoon.
You don't have any minutes.

Oh, yeah?
How about I complain

to the corporate office?

Oh please, don't do that.

I'll come back tomorrow.

- All right, man, so long.
- Hey, where are you going?

It's not 5:00.
You still have 10 minutes.

I got a big
weekend planned with Kim.

- Oh.
- What's up, jizz buckets?

Hey. I gotta pick up Lucy,
take her to her friends.

Kim and I have the house
to ourselves for the whole weekend.

Oh, yeah?
What d'you guys have planned?

What do you mean? Sex...
clearly we're planning to have sex.

Oh. Well, it's been awhile, right?

I mean, you're
probably gonna be all...

overexcited
and stuff like that.

Um, do you something to think
about so you don't pop so soon?

Why do you wanna hold off?
I always try to come

as fast as possible
then get half my money back.

See you later, bro.

Does that work?

Wow, thanks a lot, sis.

This is a lot of food.

Yeah, Jerry, I need this food
to last you the weekend

because Louie and I wanna
be alone for a couple of days.

What? You wanna be alone?

Why?

Because it's nice, you know?

It's romantic.

Oh...

but the whole weekend?

No, that seems
like a long time.

Jerry, just don't come over
for a couple of days, okay?

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, which plate
is for which day?

Here, you'll figure it out.

So you excited about
the big weekend, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Just me and Louie together?

I mean, we hardly
ever get to do this.

- Wow, you baked him a pie?
- Yeah,

- I like to start with a pie.
- Oooh.

You see, he's ready
to walk in the door,

drop his pants
and f*ck me till Monday,

but the pie...
the pie slows him down.

And when he's done
eating the pie...

- yes, the whole pie...
- Hmm.

He goes into a sugar coma
and then we start talking.

Does the poor b*stard
ever get to drop his pants?

Oh, yeah,
because when we talk,

then we remember
what we liked about each other

and we become
a couple again.

And it's great.
And then everybody drops their pants.

- Ah...
- And then the next morning,

I start
all over again with bacon.

I tried something
like that once.

I put a cupcake on my snooch
and Mike ate it.

- Oh, hey, Tina.
- Hey, Louie!

I guess I'd better run.

Bye, sweetie.
See you later.

Yeah, okay.
Bye, Tina.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, okay, all right, all right.

Easy easy easy.
I want you to sit down...

just one second.

Have a seat.
I got something for you.

Oh, wait a minute,
I got something for you.

Come over here.

Ready?

Here you go.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Uh, is everything all right?

- Yeah, fine.
- Well, you want me...

to put these
in some water or something?

Listen,

try not to take this
the wrong way, okay?

But if we're gonna
be married for the next 30 years,

I need you to know
that red roses

are not my thing.

It's just
I really don't like red roses.

Okay?

Okay, yeah, I get that.

Okay.

Okay, well, um...

can I critique
how you just told me that?

Ahem, okay,
it's not that big of a deal,

I just think that you should have
thanked me for the flowers first,

and then said
the thing about the roses.

- Um... not really.
- Why not?

Because I've told you before

that I don't like
red roses, remember?

Oh, yeah, I guess I kind
of remember that,

but still it's a gift,

so I guess I don't think
it matters what it is.

You should still
thank me, right?

Yeah, but you see
I don't necessarily think

I should thank you
for giving me something

that I've specifically told you

that I don't like.
That's all.

Okay, right.

Yeah, but still...
I was thinking of you

so I bought you flowers.

You weren't thinking of me.

If you were thinking of me,
you wouldn't have gotten me red roses.

Oh come on, Kim,
I brought you flowers,

that's a nice thing.
You say thank you.

What... it's called "being polite."

You know what
would be polite?

Lf, when I told you things,
you actually listened

instead of just watching
my lips and waiting for them

to stop moving
so you can talk.

Hang on,
all I'm asking for here

is a tiny bit
of gratitude.

- I said thank you.
- No, you didn't.

- I was standing with the flowers...
- I said thank you

the first time you gave me
red roses, remember?

It was my birthday.
I said thank you

and then I said very politely
that I would prefer it

in the future if you never again
gave me red roses.

So either you didn't listen

or you don't care, which is it?

This is f*cking Ret*rded!

I bought you flowers!
So maybe they're not your favorite kind

- of flowers...
- No, I didn't say "not my favorite,"

I said,
"Don't bring me red roses."

What is wrong with you? Are you
allergic to saying thank you to people?

How do you expect
someone to thank you

for giving them something
they've specifically told you

- they don't want?!
- You know what's a better question?

How do you get given
red g*dd*mn roses

- and turn around and act like this?
- Act like what?

Like a f*cking c**t!

Kim?

Hey? Are you mad?

Honey?

Look, I'm sorry I got angry,

but uh, I think we should
finish talking about this

right now, l...
Oh, thanks.

Look, listen,
I'm really sorry I lost my temper.

I didn't mean...
you just...

a pie...
you made me a pie?!

Oh, that's so nice.
Thank...

Why are you...

You totally ruined it.

- Hey, Walter.
- Hey.

Hey, do you have the time?

- 6:45.
- Thanks.

And and, uh...
do you have the day?

- It's Friday.
- Oh.

Still Friday?

Man, I hate
romantic weekends.

Tsk...

Oh, hey.

Um...

how are you doing?

Are you all right?

Come on, Kim,

what's going on?
Are you not talking to me?

Is that what you're
doing now?

I said I was sorry.

Look, it's just that

I felt like you were
criticizing me,

and that really
hurt my feelings.

And then we started
arguing and nobody was hearing

what the other person
was saying, so to, you know,

jar us out of a deadlock,
I called you a c**t.

Well, you gotta admit
at least I was trying to do something.

I was trying to move
the argument forward.

All right, you know what?
Forget that.

That... that was all bad.

Just erase that.
Let me start again.

I'm really really
very very sorry

that I said what I said.

It was mean and stupid
and not a nice thing.

Shouldn't have done that.

The flowers... I still think
that was kind of nice, though...

to bring them.

All right,
you know what?

Forget the flowers
and the back-and-forth name-calling.

Just... listen, be logical
for two minutes...

the clock's ticking
on our big weekend.

Do you wanna waste
the whole thing fighting?

Well, come on,
this is stupid!

So what?
You got some flowers you didn't like,

and somebody called
you a name, boo-hoo.

And stop walking out of rooms.
It's rude.

You know what?
There's no winning with you.

You... you set
this sh*t machine in motion.

It didn't have
to go this way.

Now you're gonna
ruin our whole weekend

'cause you won't
accept my apology?

Well, I take it back.
I'm not sorry about the flowers,

and I'm not sorry
I called you a c**t.

You know why?
'Cause you are a c**t!

You're a c**t!
c**t c**t

cuntity-c**t c**t c**t!

Have some flowers,
you c**t.

Hey, Louball.

Listen, while you've
still got your pants on,

let me go grab my contacts case.
I left it in your bathroom.

Ooh, what happened there?

Hello?

Hey, can I come in?

Hey, uh, sorry again.

Uh, ahem, I definitely
shouldn't have said that.

Uh, shouldn't
have called you that...

the first time
and the second time.

I'm only counting
the second time as once

even though I know
I said it a bunch of times.

All right, so...

can I sleep here?

Just sleep, obviously.
I know nothing's gonna happen.

Is it?

So you're okay with that

if I just... you know?

All right, okay,
you stay here.

I'll go sleep
in Lucy's bed.

f*ck!

Hey, good morning.

I made your favorite.
It's turkey bacon and egg whites.

Hey, you're not gonna
eat that or...

Oh, that ain't right.

Well hey,
I made you some tea also.

Do you
want some sugar?

Just say when.

Wow, you like it sweet, huh?

Pyoomm!

Nyum.

Yepah, yepah,
yepah, yepah!

Pa-pan, pa-pan,
pananan.

Hey, I was thinking
about f*cking your sister,

do you have
a problem with that?

No? All right, cool.

I'm gonna f*ck her.

Hey, did you know
that every 15 seconds

somewhere in America
a man calls his wife a c**t?

God, what's going on
in this country?

All right, you know what?
I'd like to remind you

that today is Saturday,
tomorrow is Sunday

and Lucy's coming home.

If you wanna ruin
our whole weekend doing this sh*t,

then fine, you do it.
I'm not doing it.

I'm going out.

Louie, can you tell Kim
that Ellen said...

Tell her yourself,
she's not talking to me.

Oh yeah?
What happened?

I got in a big fight with her
and I called her a c**t.

Oh!

- Oh, man.
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.

- I called Ellen that once.
- Really? What happened?

Wow, what did she
get you with?

- A curling iron.
- She really held it on there, huh?

I'm just glad I got
out of the tub, man.

Hey, Louie.

One more day.

Hey, Lucy.

Papa, what are
you doing here?

I don't have to
go home until tomorrow.

No, I know, I just felt
like seeing you and saying hi.

- Is that okay?
- No, I don't wanna go home yet.

I'm not here to take you home.

I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute. Jeez.

You said I could stay until tomorrow.
I wanna play with Francesca.

Go ahead and play with her.
Nobody's stopping you.

Go away, you're not
supposed to be here!

Fine, go have fun.
I just wanted to talk to you

- for five stinking minutes.
- Bye, Papa, see you tomorrow.

Hey, check it out...
the man with the golden c*ck.

What happened
to your big weekend of sex?

So what happened?
Did you fall in?

That doesn't make
any sense.

Yeah, it does. It means
your wife's p*ssy is so big

that you fell in it.

That's a big p*ssy.

- You guys are dicks.
- So what happened?

Kim's not talking to me.
The whole weekend went to sh*t.

I've been sleeping in Lucy's bed
for the last two nights.

- What did you do?
- She's got this thing about red roses,

don't ask me what.
Anyway, I forgot,

and I brought her some.
She went totally ballistic.

- 'Cause you brought her red roses?
- Yeah.

I brought her a huge bouquet
and she threw 'em at me

and called me names
and threw me out of the house.

- Oh, that's not cool.
- Right?

- And now she's not talking to you?
- Yeah.

Sounds like you're the one
that should be mad.

I know, that's why
I called her a c**t.

- Whoa!
- Whoa, hey!

Are you crazy?

They don't like that.

It's a tough one
to come back from.

You gave that shitty marriage
every chance, Lou.

It's not that I was mad
that she didn't like the flowers,

I wanted her to thank me.
I know I shouldn't have called her that,

but she should have
thanked me, right?

I don't know.
Not if she doesn't like them.

Are you kidding me?
Of course, she should have thanked you.

Red roses?
Red roses?

Had she told you before
that she doesn't like them?

What is she, stupid?

Red roses
are the universal

internationally-recognized symbol
of "I love you." Everybody knows that.

What's her problem?
She can't argue with red roses.

They're in-f*cking-disputable.

You know what I think?

You hit a home run
with c**t, my friend.

Nail on the f*cking head.

Oh God,
I'm a huge as*h*le.

Jesus, you got
a real potty mouth.

Damn it,
I gotta go home.

Hi.

It occurred to me that I never
even bothered to ask you...

why you don't like red roses.

Well, I think
I figured it out for myself.

Red roses are cheesy
and meaningless...

a totally empty gesture.

They're for as*h*le husbands
who treat their wives like sh*t.

And you deserve a lot more

than some hollow token of a gift.

If I could find a flower
that was unique to you

and had your face on it,

- with your eyes...
- Stop, please!

Jesus, stop! Stop.

You talked to me.

Yes. Look,

what you're saying
about roses is true.

Great, and thank you
for that interesting presentation.

But the whole point
was this...

I told you something
and you didn't listen.

That was the issue.

When I tell you things

and you don't listen,

it's a huge insult to me.

It makes me feel
like I don't matter.

Believe me, I totally get this.

You want me to listen to you

and then later remember
the things that you said.

Yeah.

And as far as being
called a c**t...

I don't like that,

but I didn't think that
was something I had to tell you.

Yeah, I got it.

And you may not
f*ck my sister.

I'm really sorry.
I threw away our whole weekend.

Lucy's coming home
in like 20 minutes.

Come on.

Oh, wait.
Wait wait wait.

What?