01x01 - Choosing Between Peen & Politics Is Trash

[bunniefuu]

Come on, hurry up! How
did we let this happen?

Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait. What?

Have you ever stopped
to think about

how many people live on
those glorious stars?

Are you serious
right now? Yeah.

Those stars are
liquid ba*ls of fire.

You're not hot enough to
be this much of a dope.

I think I am.

You wanna see my abs?

I have got to stop
hooking up with dumb dong.

Girl, do better.

♪♪

Oh. Yes.

Apollo, what are you doing?

Well, I'm hiding what
we're doing here. Duh.

And supporting
Black-owned businesses.

Okay, just because
they're brown Band-A*DS

doesn't mean Black
people made them.

You know that, right?

Yo, I've been lied to.

Negroes, right? [
Chuckling ] Okay.

Dude, hurry up!
You goofed in me.

We gotta fix this now.

Hi. Can I get Plan
B? B-Batteries.

Plan batteries. Because
you can't survive

a zombie apocalypse
without batteries.

You can't have his child.

I mean...

I know. $49.99.

Uh-oh. I left my
wallet at the crib.

[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh, it's my brother.

FaceTime me. Gotta go.
Get the Plan Bye-Bye!

Hey, you up late.
Everything okay?

[ Sighs ] No, can't sleep.

I'm just too nervous
about tomorrow.

Oh, come on, Jay.
You're gonna be great.

I mean, you're a rockstar,

and you're announcing your
candidacy on my podcast!

That's such a cute
little "combinaysh."

I know all the young people,
all the smart and sexy people.

So you're gonna
get the heaux vote,

the woke vote, and
the woke heaux vote.

I'm gonna need the entire
rainbow heaux-alition

to show up to knock
off Tom Weaver.

That guy's been in office
since before New Edition.

I need the youth
culture to back me.

Can you stop saying
"youth culture"

like you're a white
man who owns a boat?

Fair point. Anyway,
what are you doing?

Oh, you know, new rule... I
make my F buddies come with me

when I got to pick
up that magic pill

to fumigate the old na-na.

Ugh. Well, good luck with
your new, uh, soul mate there.

Hookup, Jayden.

I am a free-spirited,
young woman

who wears head wraps
when I'm having sex

'cause some dudes are not worth

sweating them edges
out over, okay?

Oh, on that note,
you know I love you.

Uh, I think I'm just
gonna hit the hay.

Okay, love you so much!

[ Smooching ] Bye-e-e-e!

[ Grunts ]

Hey, nice, right? [ Chuckles ]

Can't get any cheaper than this.

And it'll be nice to have some
furniture in my living room.

♪♪

Phoebe: So, I took the pill,

washed it down with
some bubbly water,

and guess what? I'm
not preggers, y'all!

[ Both imitating
air horns blowing ]

And since he
already paid for it,

I got that bonus
bone in. [ Laughs ]

Okay, moving on, y'all,

because we have a special live
"edish" of the podcast today,

because my favorite person
in the whole entire world,

my big bro Jayden, is here

with some exciting
news to share with me,

my producer Malika, and all
of you, after the break.

Say hi, Jayden!

That's the story
you chose to tell?

Uh, yeah. My fans
need to be updated

on my vajeen state o' da naysh.

Actual and factual.

Which, in case you
were still unsure,

is at zero occupancy.

Okay. [ Chuckles awkwardly ]

Like, the acoustics are so good

'cause it's empty. We got it.

Just to be clear, I'm
not saying it's so vast

that you would get lost in it.

Like, if it was on
"Love It or List It,"

it'd be described
as "charming."

[ Chuckles ] What?

♪♪

Female caller: Hi. I'm
just curious about Jayden

and how you got your start.

Oh, sure. Well, I went
to Columbia Law School,

and for the past eight years,
I've been a nonprofit lawyer,

and that's led me here.

I'm not gonna lie, I
didn't know much about you,

but you seem cool.

Ah, thank you very much.

Wanna thank me with your mouth?

Oh. Oh, my.

What a crowd you
have here, Pheebs.

You know what? She
do what she do.

Yeah. That's how my fans are.

But I'm really excited.
Me, too. I'm excited.

I'm excited about, you know,
quality education for all,

securing voting
access to everyone,

and protecting our environment.

Now, I'll talk
about this and more

at my kickoff party
this coming Saturday.

Yes. I'm gonna be there.

The Obamas are
gonna be there. No.

Sasha and Malia are
actually catering, so...

No, Obama's like, "I
can't make it, uh,

but I love you, and, uh,
we're all pulling for you."

But... [ Both laugh ]

That was good!

Thank you. Thank
you very much.

♪ Now from the sun to the moon ♪

♪ We'll never give
up, we're gon move ♪

I know you warned me to
never listen to the podcast,

but I had to support bae.

One question... Is it
always that... graphic?

She took it easy today.

Yeah, this was,
like, baby steps,

'cause normally, it's
"Dong Talk Tuesday."

Oh. We're talking about dongs

all day long.

Yeah, most episodes are
just, like, a full bleep.

Oh, oh, oh, my gosh.
It... It's here.

Uh, remember how I
told you that my...

My staffer Ryan
went to film school?

Doesn't ring a bell. No.

Film student in New York.
How could we forget?

Anyway, he took a stab at
my campaign vid, right?

And he did this, like,
Spike Lee art house vibe.

I'm gonna show it
at my kickoff party.

Take a look.

Jayden: Politician. Magician.

We wishin' for change.

Human.

I can. Be. The solution.

Mm. Thoughts, feelings,

reflections, ruminations?

♪♪

That vid makes it look
like you did 9/11.

It... It's... It's not that bad.

Yes, it is. It's a
steaming pile of doo-doo.

What it is is a
good first pancake.

- Agreed. - Is it?
- Yeah.

The first pancake
always gets thrown out.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hi. Mommy, the babysitter

doesn't want me to watch
"Making a m*rder*r,"

so can you please tell
her this is my house?

Alright. [ Chuckles ]

We gotta go before our daughter
becomes a serial k*ller.

Boo! Let her watch!

Hey, Aisha! Miss you, queen!
Jayden: So supportive.

Hey! Your parents
are at a sex party!

Good luck, dorks!
Good night, guys.

Another round? Another round?

Yes, please.
Michael: Absolutely.

Okay. BRB.

♪ Praying for clarity ♪

Hey. No.

Uh, come get your roommate!

♪ Tell me it's unity ♪

♪ In Lak'ech Ala K'in ♪

♪ I am you, you are me ♪

♪ Searching for balance ♪

Uh, 16 down is
"perspicacious."

[ Chuckles ]

That is not even close to
being the correct answer.

♪ In Lak'ech Ala K'in ♪

♪ I am you, you are me ♪

I'm... I'm Phoebe.

I-I know you were trying
to ask for my name,

so it's Phoebe. I'm Hamilton.

Oh, that's fancy.

You teach people how to
use salad forks on TikTok

or something? [ Laughs ]

That's a good one.

Hmm.

Okay, so, does this whole

"crossword puzzle,
rolled-up sleeves,

probably have your
bills set to autopay,

minimal conversation"
thing work?

Well, it got you talking to me.

Yeah, but you didn't
know I'd be here.

I knew someone would be here.

♪ In Lak'ech Ala K'in ♪

♪ I am you, you are me ♪

Um, my friends are
here, so I'm gonna go.

See you later.

Mm. Probably won't.
I'm really busy.

Okay.

Alright, it's late.
I'm calling it.

Mwah. Yeah, we should
get out of here.

Yeah, y'all should
go. I'mma stick around

and get a story for next week.

Ooh, I respect that.

- Bye.
- Bye!

♪♪

Michael: Malika!

Hey, so, you said
that we're definitely

going home together
tonight, right?

That would be a no. [
Laughs ] That is fine,

'cause I'm playing
the long game here.

Oh, you are? Yeah.

Right now, I'm watching
YouTube hair tutorials

so that when we have
kids, I'll be...

Oh, we having kids now?

Oh, 100%.

I want to be able to do
our daughter's box braids.

Oh, my God. Get out of
my face. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. That's fine!

I can hail you a cab
and lay your edges!

Name a better one-night stand!

Bye, Michael!

Hamilton: So, can I tell you
a secret? Phoebe: Mm-hmm.

I've actually never done
a crossword in my life.

I mean, I could tell.
There were a lot of...

A lot of blanks, Hamilton.

I was like, "Oh, boy,
this man needs help."

Hold on.

What? Hold on.

Yeah? Yeah?

Now, I was gonna
save this for myself,

but because you're
good people...

♪♪

Are you serious
right now? Deadass.

This is my favorite bakery.

No. Yes!

It's my favorite bakery.

No, it is mine.

♪ When you just
took my heart ♪

♪ And threw it away ♪

♪ Oh, my love ♪

Well, I got what I needed.

Unh-unh. No!

Oh, so you just here
for the cookies?

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I love these cookies.

♪♪

♪ Like islands sit
alone in the sea ♪

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

[ Alarm beeping ] Mm.

[ Sighs ] Morning.

Morning.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't usually
spend the night,

so I don't want you
to smell my breath.

But I'm a grown-a*s man.

So gimme those lips.

[ Chuckles ]

Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mnh-mnh,
mnh-mnh. Mm-hmm. Yep.

No. No. Why? Why not?

I have to go.

This was fun.
Seriously, it was so...

Wait, what?

Tom... Tom Weaver?

This dude is running
against my brother.

Yeah. I'm his Director
of Communications.

I told you that last night.

What?!

Yeah, I'm his Director
of Communications.

Is that cool?

Phoebe: [ Thinking ]
Damn, this cookie's good.

Phoebe?

[ Clears throat ] Yeah.

Supes kewl.

Ohh. Ohh.

Yeah! You did! [
Chuckles ] Yeah.

I wasn't listening.

Okay. You know what?

You're so great.

This was so fun,

and I'm now going to so leave.

Phoebe. I'm not a poet. Okay.

So you're really just
gonna take off, huh?

Hit me up if you ever
wanna grab a coffee?

Hi. Jared Miller
from The Boroughist.

Care to explain why
you're leaving the home

of the Director of
Communications for Tom Weaver,

your brother's primary opponent?

♪♪

Um... because we had sex?

Pheebs. Hey.

Um, so, something wild
happened. I accidentally smashed

Tom Weaver's Director
of Communications.

That's not great,
yet somehow on-brand.

I mean, silver
lining... Uh-oh.

You described my campaign
as some "boring-a*s mess

that only tragic
dorks would follow,"

so it's not like
you're gonna give away

any valuable intel.

[ Chuckles nervously
] Yeah. True.

Anyway, I'm not
gonna see him again.

Good. So... So,
what's the problem?

This boo-boo a*s gossip
columnist from The Boroughist

saw me leaving the dude's place.

I think he's following me.
Ah, The Boroughist. Ugh.

What's his name?
Um, Jared something?

Jared something. That's...
Thank you for that.

[ Sighs ]

What was that? Nothing.

Anyway, uh, this guy only has
like 200 followers on Twitter,

so I think we're fine.

Not my building.
Not my building.

Hey. Yeah, I was bugging.

Don't worry about it.
Talk to you later. Bye!

Did you, uh, see the updated ad?

Yeah, I did.

Mm-hmm. Right amount
of spoken word?

The perfect
amount. Oh, my God.

Thank you.

[ Cellphones chime ]

Um... Oh, my God.

Are you seeing this?

Yeah, is this, like, some
kind of joke or something?

No, I don't think so.

This isn't real, right?

Check her out. Cute
pony. Basic-a*s purse.

She buys her
underwear by the bag.


This guy, see this guy? Okay.

Silk boxers. Guarantee it.

He's feeling like a king
in his pants all day.

He's got a hog just
gliding through butter.

[ Laughs ] [
Cellphone chimes ]

♪♪

What?

"The Thot Is Coming
From Inside The House"?

Ruh-roh.

[ Cellphone rings ]

♪♪

Hey, Jayden.

Pheebs, this is
kind of a big deal.

Page Six just retweeted
The Boroughist.

Oh, boy, it's really taking off.

You know what? I-I'm
gonna handle this.

Just give me a beat.

Okay? Sorry.

Dude, we gotta go.

Okay. But, hey, 11
o'clock, this guy,

neon bikini briefs.

I mean, if he has a headboard,

I'm kind of interested.

Hey, y'all. I just
wanted to jump on here

and clear some things up.

So, your girl was
out on the town,

caught herself a fish,

got all up in dem guts,

and then threw him
back out to sea.

You know, casual
fisherwoman vibes.

Is she live? What is this? Just
wait. She... She's talking.

Sadsongmixtape:
"Phoebe, I'm a big fan,

but this is kind of
messy, even for u."

You gois, I am a messy b*tch.

That's why you love me.

Protecttheflag69: "Lolz.

You smashed a dude on
your bro's rival's team?

Glad I don't have sisters."

Listen, Jayden
understands. We Gucci.

Woman: "Gucci? Girl, you
was hoe'ing in Shopbop."

And? I will spread my legs

in discount Victoria Beckham
for any man that I choose

just like my ancestors
would've wanted.

Am I right? Unh-unh. Girl.

Like, y'all are acting like
I can't smash who I want.

I am a grown-a*s woman.

Stop policing my
poonani. Oh, my God.

Woman #2: "I don't care what
you all think. I love Phoebe."

Man: "Yeah, she's dope."

Aww! Okay.

Thanks for having
my back, y'all.

I knew Trash Army
would come through.

Woman #3: "I bet Tom Weaver's
sister ain't a heaux."

Wait. What? "Did she really come
on here to tell us she's a heaux?"

"Phoebe Hill is actual trash."

"Is everything trash, or
are you just trash?" Um...

Concon3129: "Out here
smashing for votes? Dang!

This heaux will let anyone
stuff her ballot box."

Okay. Okay.

Alright. So this 1950s

sexist misogynoir bullshit
is how you wanna play this?

Let me tell you
something... I'mma do me!

And you know what?
Oh, hey, Phoebe...

If you have a problem
with my sex life?

Vote for Tom
Weaver then. Okay.

Michael: Phoebe! What?!

Your... Your chicken
cutlet is out.

[ Gasps ]

Ooh, we gon' get fired.

♪♪

Ah.

I know this is, like,
your brand or whatever,

but I can't have you
out here on the Internet

saying wild sh*t when I'm
starting my political career.

Okay, just calm down.
I can explain...

No! I'm trying to be the
first Black man to be elected

to this position in
over 30 years, okay?

Look what you're
doing to me. To you?

Yeah. I just got dragged

by thousands of
strangers online,

and they're not saying sh*t
about the guy I was with.

Yeah. Because that kind of trash
happens to women all the time.

And you're Mr. "I'm
for the women,

I stand up for
women's rights."

Well, then stand up for me.

I'm your sister.
Okay, look, Pheebs.

Nobody wants you
to be sl*t-shamed.

Thank you. But
donors are gonna

start questioning whether
to back this campaign.

So maybe you and your problems
can just stand to the side?

For a minute? [ Chuckles ]

[ Mockingly ] The
donors? They're nervous?

You need a minute?

Are you serious, Jessie?

Just... No, so let
me get this straight.

I'm good enough to help
launch his campaign,

but when I have problems,
I need to, what, disappear?

Is that what you're telling
me? You popped out your boob

and told people to
vote for my rival.

It fell out, okay?

And I got caught up.
My bad. I am sorry.

No, no, you did not
"get caught up."

You just didn't give a [bleep]

You know what? Just do not come
to the campaign kickoff party.

I don't need the distraction.

Okay. Yeah.

Sure. I-If this is
how you're gonna be,

I don't wanna be there.
So I'm just gonna...

I have business to attend to, so
excuse me very much. No, wait. Guys.

No, Phoebe... No, just...
No, just let her... let her.

No... Hey, Jay? Hmm?

You know what'd make your
wack-a*s campaign video better?

Gal Gadot singing
"Imagine" over it.

[ Chuckles ] It's
Gal "Guh-dot."

It's "Ga-doh"!

She's from Israel, not France.

You know what?

Are you her publicist
or something?

Shut up!

♪♪

So, I heard from Parakeet.

Now, I thought they were gonna
ream us out for your live

and say it hurts their
brand, but mnh-mnh.

They're actually thrilled.

Downloads are up 60%.

[ Pops lips ] Wait, seriously?

Yeah. Uh, Jax called
you a Cocoa Queen

and wants you to be her Black
friend at SoulCycle, so...

Okay, well, that tracks for her.

[ Laughs ]

Too bad I can't even
enjoy the good news

because Jessie and
Jayden are being butts.

What?

Pheebs, I love you

and how you don't give a
eff, and, I mean, I actually

more than love it, I
encourage it, okay?

But [sighs]

is it outside the
realm of possibility

that sometimes...
sometimes you do the most?

Just a little bit? Just
a little teeny bit?

Okay. But [grunts]
weren't you just hyped

about all these new
downloads we're getting

because I'm "doing the most"?

Yes. But it's complicated.

Okay, look. [ Sighs ]

What happened to you
on IG Live sucked.

It did. And I'm sorry Jayden
didn't have your back.

But, I mean, he's scared.

He's doing this
really big thing.

And now on top of it, he's
gotta do it without you?

Just saying.

So you gonna Iyanla Vanzant me
right here on these streets?

Girl, I've done it to you

while you had me on
speaker at the gyno.

I can do it in front of
these dirty-a*s pigeons.

[ Scoffs ]

For real, though,
Jayden's family.

He needs you.

Now, clearly, y'all
still got some stuff

y'all need to work out,
but just be there for him.

In your way.

You see this?
This is not fair.

You're this beautiful
and this wise?

My God. k*lling me.

Get your friend.
It's k*lling me.

Do you still have
your video equipment?

Yeah. Wanna help
me sh**t something?

No, but I will.

Jayden: Folks, um,
just want to say

thank you so much for coming.

Your... Your support has meant
everything to this campaign.

Couldn't do it without you.

I'm so excited. I'm gonna
hit you with the whoa!

Oh. [ Laughter ]

Uh, I kid, I kid,
unless it's still cool,

in which case,
honey? Let's do this.

Yeah. Hit 'em with the whoa!

Oh! [ Laughter ]

But seriously, um,
when I came to New York

to go to Columbia Law,

I met the two
loves of my life...

My wife, Jessie, and Brooklyn.

From morning commutes
to community organizing

to raising our daughter,
we've all done it here.

Brooklyn has changed my life.

[ Whispers ] I'm with
the Hill campaign.

And now it is time to give back.

So without further ado,
my love letter to BK.

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

Jayden: Politician.
Not a magician.

We wishin' for change.

BQE, BQ-We.

Gowanus, Go-on-us.

Pizza...

Oh. Uh, uh...

Um... I-I'm sorry.

I think we're just experiencing

some minor technical
difficulties.

Yeah. [ Chuckles
awkwardly ] Uh, yeah.

♪♪

Phoebe: So, honest
opinions. Jayden Hill.

Oh, this dude!

Yeah, no, I see him speaking
at the marches. I like him.

Ain't never seen Tom Weaver
at sh*t or sayin' sh*t.

Can I say that?

Are you serious?

b*tch, yes!

[ Laughter ]

Older barber: Oh, yeah,
I know Jayden Hill.

That boy would stick
around after I cut his hair

every week, tutoring
my grandson for free.

Good man. He's got my vote.

You know my brother,
Jayden Hill?

Yeah, Jayden Hill.

Decent handles.
Argues every call.

Yo, lawyers suck.
Nah, nah, hey, man,

he got my mom through
housing court,

kept her in her apartment.
Alright, that's cute,

but he travels, and then
he calls it a Eurostep.

Come on, man. See?

A'ight, I guess he's a'ight.

More than alright!

Now lift me up so I
can make a slam dunk.

A'ight. Let's do it.
A'ight. I'm... I'm next.

I'm next.

Yeah! Aah!

[ Thud ] [ Laughter ]

You left that in there?

I told you. I get
final cut. Oh, my God.

You know what I love
about Jayden Hill?

He doesn't ask anyone
to dim their light.

Instead, he wants us
all to shine brighter.

So just think what
Brooklyn could really be

if we had someone encourage
us to use our superpowers

and inspire us to
use them for good.

This city would be cute
as hell, just like Jayden.

Aww, look at baby Jayden
solving problems, y'all.

I'm Phoebe Hill, and I
approve this message.

Also, Tom Weaver?
His breath stank.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jayden: Thank you
so much for coming.

Uh, please, mix, mingle,
and don't forget to donate.

[ Chuckles ] Just
kidding. Just have fun.

Thanks again for helping us
out. Oh, yeah, no problem.

Um, can you really get my
stuff over to Calvin Harris?

Oh, yeah, totally.

♪ Doing it without defeat ♪

Jayden: Oh. Jessie:
Aww, Pheebs,

that was really nice.

Thanks, Jessie. Aww.

And maybe better than
what Ryan came up with.

Go-on-us?

Oh, come on. That worked.

It did not.

Right. Thank you.

Alright, I'm gonna go socialize.

Okay. Alright.

Uh, sorry I got crazy.

Sorry I'm so messy.

I know it's [sighs]

not always easy with me.

Easy? [ Scoffs ]
It's so boring.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

You are the brightest
damn light I know.

Jayden!

Come here. Aww.

[ Grunts ]

And by the way,
I've got a volunteer

who can find out the IP address

of the person who talked
about stuffing your ballot box

and slow down their Internet.

It's gonna be fun watching
"Gilded Age" at half-speed.

That'll really burn their toast.

Okay, very on-brand
for your dorkiness.

I love you. I'm gonna go,
but I'll hit you later.

Alright, I love you.

♪ I'm the John to your Ono ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

"East River, least
river?" [ Scoffs ]

"I say most river.

A dream deferred,

Williamsburg is the word.

A Prospect for where you Park

without getting marked

from unsavory...

neighbories.

Jayden, where do you see him?

Brooklyn Museum."

[ Laughs ]

"Flatbush?"

Aisha: Dad. "Fla..." Hmm?

That ain't it.