02x03 - Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative

[bunniefuu]

cool beat

[Ziwe VO] I come from a long line of socially
-progressive

rich people.

[cash register dings]

We ain't rich, I'm rich.

I believed that building a business is a vehicle for making

a difference in the world.

The Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, our philanthropy
-
-

I am not a socialist.

I believe in the virtues of Capitalism.

"Moderate" is not a stance, it's just an attitude toward

life of, like, "Mm."

[Ziwe VO] Tonight, we're talking to rich comedian

Nicole Byer.

I just want, like, happiness and handshakes.


-Really?!
-Yeah, like, money's bad!

[Ziwe VO] And comedian of wealth, Hannibal Buress.

Have you ever evicted someone before?

Yeah. [chuckles]

It was a church.

'Ziwe' starts now.

cool theme music

Today, I'm joined by a very iconic guest.

You know her from 'Wipeout,' 'Nailed It!,'

'Grand Crew,' and her latest Netflix special, 'BBW.'

Please welcome Nicole Byer!

cheerful piano music

Oh! Hello!

[clapping]

Bienvenidos!

How are you doing? Thanks for coming on the show!

Are you socially liberal and fiscally conservative,

or are you socially conservative and fiscally liberal?


-Those are the only two options?
-Yes, only two.

Oh, no, this is a trap.

Um, I'm gonna say...

socially liberal and fiscally conservative.


-Okay, wow.
-Oh.


-Wow.
-[Nicole] Oh.


-You're a moderate?
-A moderate?

No. Liberal.

Left
-leaning. Left
-learning?

Cardi B once famously said, "Broke boys don't deserve no

[beep]." Where do you stand on that?

Um, is he broke with a dream?

Is he broke with ambition?

I mean, if he's gonna go somewhere one day,

you know, and maybe make a little bit of money,

or he's very kind
-
-


-[Ziwe] Mm.
-I think he deserves the p*ssy.


-Broke boys deserve [beep].
-Broke boys do deserve p*ssy.

I know that's right

I truly think if you have no money but you have a dream,

it's okay, although I'd rather you be,

like, living it, but...

ehh, let's not put up any boundaries or barriers.


-Do you have a pool?
-I do have a pool.

What's the worst part of having a pool?

The worst part of having a pool is finding animals in it.

I found a dead bird in my pool once.

And what did you do?

I was very drunk and I just palmed it and threw it out
-
-

Oh my God!

And then the next morning, I woke up and I was like,

"What was it?"

And then I was like, [gasps] "A bird!"

So I'm not, like, out
-of
-touch
-, like,

wealthy or anything, I'm just, like,

doing moderately okay and pretty humble,

touching dead birds...

[laughing] Oh, God, this is gonna be on television.

[Ziwe VO] Next on 'Ziwe.'..

we take Nicole Byer completely out of context.

f*ck the working class.

Wow.

jaunty music

mellow acoustic guitar

My name is Rafael and I'm eight years old.

My name is Amaka and I'm six years old.

My name is Lien and I'm seven years old.

I believe...

I believe...

I believe that US Tax Code was made to be broken.

And that a woman can break it as well as a man.

I believe in defrauding my investors.

Because the system shouldn't reward trust.

Believe CFOs.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Believe LLCs.

The Bush tax cuts worked!

Believe in me.

jaunty music

Describe your version of utopia.

I guess it would just be, like a real nice time where everyone

got along, um, like, free healthcare and,

uh, everybody be f*ck,' and I didn't have to pay for clothing

and I could have whatever I wanted and things came in

my size, and everyone smiled,

and you and te
-he
- he and ha
-ha
-ha and...

I don't know, what's your utopia?

Well, I wanted to know what the minimum wage would

be in your utopia.

Oh.

$ an hour. [record scratch]

$ an hour?!

You could go up if it's utopia!

Oh, okay.

There is no currency!

How 'bout them apples?!

It's just a bunch of smiles and handshakes.

Um, do you identify as a proletariate or

the ruling class?

A proletarian?


-Yeah!
-[Nicole] Or the ruling class?


-Yes!
-I'm a proletarian.

You're a proletariate?


-Yeah, 'cause I like that.
-[Ziwe] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Ooh, she's a proletarian!"

Use it in a sentence.

Okay, listen...

Marry, f*ck, k*ll:

money, happiness, the working class.

Okay, so I'm gonna marry happiness,

I'm gonna f*ck the working class,

and then I'm gonna k*ll...money?

So no more money?

I just want, like, happiness and handshakes.


-Really?!
-Yeah, like, money's bad!

It's also made up!

What is money?! [laughs]

Can you explain what money is to me like I'm stupid?

It's like, why do we have money?!

To buy things.

Why can't, like, something be the cost of handshakes or

high
-fives?

Oh, that would be amazing!

If it's, like, a house and you just give someone a hug?

[Nicole] Yeah!

[Ziwe] And then you get a house?


-[Nicole] Yes!
-But then who builds the house?

The people.

Whose your favorite CEO?

My favorite CEO?

What is her name? Elizabeth...um
-
-

Holmes?

Holmes, who wears the turtleneck,

and [deep voice] talks like this?

People gave that woman money!


-A billion dollars!
-Yeah!

That's so much money, and she was like,

[deep voice] "Give it to me," and people did!

That's so funny; I love her.

Also iconic, like, after all that came out that she was a

liar, she still got a boyfriend after!


-A man and a baby!
-Can you even?!

I'm just sayin' I'm doin' the wrong thing!

[sighs] Maybe we gotta start wearing turtlenecks,

talk deep, and lie.


-[deep voice] Hi.
-[deep voice] Hello.

[deep voice] Who would like to have sex with me?

[deep voice] Who wants this p*ssy?

[deep voice] My Theranos is yapping.

[deep voice] My Theranos is warm between my legs.

[Ziwe VO] Next on 'Ziwe.'..

I didn't pay my taxes for, like, uh...

I don't know, a solid, like, five, six years.

jaunty music

mellow acoustic guitar

Capitalism is dying.

But we could save it if we act now.

That's why I pledge...

I pledge...

I pledge to abolish the minimum wage.

So America's wealth gap remains the envy of the world.

I pledge to help small businesses access

desperately
-needed sweatshop labor.

Because exploiting human beings is the right of every

human being.

I have an idea of turning old people into money.


-Together...
-Together...

Together, we can make sure Late
-Stage Capitalism...

Isn't the last stage.

jaunty music

Nicole, I'm going to test your knowledge of

impossible
-to
-understand financial terms
-
-

[Nicole] Okay.

In a game I like to call Money Talks.

[Nicole] Okay.

I'll give you a word, and you'll have to either spell it,

define it, or maybe I'll just go nuts and ask you to say it in a

sentence. Are you ready?


-Yes.
-First up, "FICO score."

Please spell it.

"FICO score?"

F
-I, FI, F
-I
-CO, C
-O...

F
-I
-C
-O...score.

Can you use it in a sentence?

Win what?

That's the end of the sentence.

I feel like I'm educating you
-
-

[laughs]

Even though I said at the beginning that I look up to you,

I changed my mind.

Okay, fair.

"Crypto wallet," please define the term and use

it in a sentence.

I think a crypto wallet is a virtual wallet for crypto coins.

[cash register dings]

And then use it in a sentence?

[laughs]

Are you invested in cryptocurrency?

[laughing] No, I have no idea what it is!

I know it's, like, Internet stuff.

It's like NFTs; I don't know what those are either.

Non
-fungible tokens.

Non
-fudgible?!

Fungible!

[laughs]

"Fudgible's" funnier.

Spell "Tax evasion."

T
-A
-X evasion.

Have you had an experience with tax evasion?

That's when you don't pay your taxes?


-[Ziwe] Yes.
-Yes.

I didn't pay my taxes for like, uh...

I don't know, a solid, like, five, six years.


-Wait, shut up!
-[Nicole] What?


-Why would you say that?!
-Because I
-
- I paid.

I, like
-
- I figured it out.

I wasn't even making very much money then.

Why were you not paying your taxes?

Because I didn't understand it!

[Ziwe] What do you mean you didn't understand it?!

Have you ever logged into Turbo Tax?!

[woman VO] H&R Block
-
- So easy,

a celebrity TV host can do it.

What happened in the fifth year?

What got you to pay your taxes?

A made a little bit of money, [chuckles] and I was like,

"They gon' come for me."

[laughs]

And I found this really nice accountant who was like,


-"Yeah!"
-"They gon' come for you!"

"They're gonna come for you; you gotta figure this out."

[laughs]

And I did, so please don't come for me.

She is caught up.

If I were to say the letters G
-U
-W
-O
-P,

how would you pronounce that word?

G
-U...
-W
-O
-P.

Goop?!

[buzzer]

[laughs]

Is it good to have G
-U
-W
-O
-P, or is it bad to have G
-U
-W
-O
-P?

I said it in kind of a fun way, so I feel like it might be bad.


-Guwop.
-Guwop!


-[Ziwe] Guwop.
-Guwop!


-Guwop!
-Guwop.

Guwop, guwop, guwop


-Is that money?
-Yes!


-Goop?!
-Congratulations, Nicole.

[laughs]

You know so much about finance, and you could easily

cheat the system.

And that's our game of Money Talks.

What do I win?

A+ student.

Oh, thank you!

[Ziwe VO] Next on 'Ziwe.'..

Oh, maybe I would keep the manuscripts,

and then be like, "You can have them back when you pay,

but you can stay."

That's what you'd say to James Baldwin?

Well, I have to pay my mortgage!

jaunty music

Let's play a game called Who Wants to Be a Landlord?!

Hit me with a jingle; make one up.

Da
-ba
-ba
-dee doo skana
-la
-la
-da

You gotta get it today

Wow.

The rules of this game are simple:

you're a landlord.

Answer the following questions to the best of your ability and

you get to be Queen of the Landlord Association.


-Are you ready?
-Yes.

So let's start with this:

this is a photo.

[Nicole] Yes.

The great James Baldwin once said,

"You take your home with you, otherwise you're homeless."

Now, how would you evict James Baldwin?

I guess with love and kindness, and be like,

"Hey, man, you haven't paid in a little bit.

I have a mortgage to pay, so...you have to pay me,

otherwise you have to go.

Thank you!"

That's what you'd say to James Baldwin,

one of the greatest American writers in history?

Well, I have to pay my mortgage!


-Cold
-blooded!
-I know!

But that's how you, you know, keep your business.

If he was behind on his rent payment,

would you keep some of his manuscripts.

Oh!

Maybe I would keep the manuscripts and then be like,

"You can have them back when you pay,

but you can stay."

So blackmailing James Baldwin, got it!

[laughs]

I can tell what kind of, um, owner you would be.

It's time to rent out your apartment to new tenants.

Mm
-hm.

Unfortunately, housing discrimination is "ill*gal,"

which means you must review submissions blind.

Now, tell me which of these people is the best fit for a

$,
-a
-month, two
-bedroom, one
-bathroom luxury condo?

[Nicole] Oh my God!

[Ziwe] Here's Tenant #.

I'm a single father.

I'm never home because I work several jobs.

My kids have no manners, and the boys quit football to focus on

destroying property.

I guess it's a good thing I don't own the place.

[Nicole] Oh...

How do you feel about him?

I mean...

I feel like pretty upfront, he was like,

"I'm a bad tenant."

Like, how old are these kids again?

They're , , , , , and two.

[Nicole] Wow, what a way to list the ages!

What do you do for a living?

I'm, like, a brick
-layer.

[Nicole] So, what, you, like, build houses and stuff?


-[Tenant #] Yup.
-[Nicole] Build your own!

Sold! [chuckles]

Okay, so that's Tenant # and you're not vibing with him.

No.

Okay, here's Tenant #.

I'm a hedge fund bro.

I can pay three months' rent upfront.

[Nicole] Oh!

I make three times the rent, and I love threesomes
-
- me,

myself, and my disposable income.

[Nicole] Oh...

I feel like I'm not supposed to like him.

Okay, he makes three times the amount of rent or whatever,

he can pay upfront
-
- that's nice...

but also, like, shady.

Why are you offering so much money upfront?

You know, I can't really talk about that;

it's all confidential.

[Nicole] [sighs] Secrets, no.

Well, you have to pick one, hurry!

Oh my God, oh my God...

tense music

You know...

why house one when you can house...

eight? How many kids did that dad have?

A lot.


-Okay, I'm gonna rent to them.
-[Ziwe] Wow.

Even though I think it's a really bad idea,

but, like, maybe he'll have a better year where he,

like, pays his rent on time, and maybe the kids will stop yelling

at him.

That is brave.

Thank you so much!

I'll get you the rent within the month.

[Nicole] I feel like I've made a mistake,

but that's okay.

What have we learned about money?

Um, I think we've learned that money is tough,

and it's a very divisive subject,

um, and it comes and it goes,

and you want it but you don't.

[Ziwe] Mm.

Remember when Harriet Tubman was supposed to be on the ?


-[Ziwe] Yes.
-[Nicole] What happened?

Do you know?

I think that they kind of hoped that we forgot.

Oh. Well, I didn't forget.

jaunty music

[Ziwe VO] Next on 'Ziwe.'..

[Ziwe] You look like a baby that's being dressed for a

snowstorm.

[Ziwe VO] But first, a message from our sponsors.

Hi!

I'm Ziwe and I'm an entrepreneur!

But I'm not just any entrepreneur,

I'm a Black entrepreneur, and I care!

Introducing...Ziwe and Sons.

I'm Ziwe and these are my sons!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Is your toilet clogged?

Do you need a divorce?

Are you in the market for a miniature horse?

Need construction now, or a hundred bucks?

Do you need a man who can drive a truck?

Need a meatball sub?

Wanna buy a g*n?

Are you a victim of a hit
-and
-run?

No matter the job, we can get it done

Call
-
-ZIWE
-AND
-SONS

Ziwe and Sons is a titan of industry!

Which industry, you ask?

All of them, because that's where the money is at,

baby!

glamorous music

These are my sons who hammer!

Call these boys when you need to build a house or assemble a

dresser from Ikea.



These are my sons that do law!

Call these boys when you need to take your cousin to court...

and win.

These are my sons who do ghost
-hunting.

Call these boys when you need to contact your ancestors...

because you're their wildest dreams!

Ah, my favorite son...

Ziwe Jr!

He's only three months old, but he's already the CEO of this

company.

Because at Ziwe and Sons, we believe the best business is a

small, family, Black
-owned business,

and that's what I'm saying this is.

Mwah!

[baby cries]

No matter the job, we can get it done

Call
-
-ZIWE
-AND
-SONS

Whoever does the most pushups gets Mommy's love...and these

chips!

[man VO] Ziwe and Sons is a qualified opportunity zone

business.

Keep it in the community and buy Black.

[crunch] Mm.

jaunty music

[Ziwe] Well, well, well...

Ron, do you know why you're here?

dramatic orchestral music

[man VO] The following is a conversation between Ziwe and

her allegedly
-rich writer.

I have it on good authority that you are,

um, a rich person, who pretends to be the salt of the earth,

but actually, you have a lot of money and you're friends with

Barak Obama. Is this true or false?

It's false! Patently false.


-What's your last name?
-Metellus.

A Black man named "Ronald Metellus" is, um...

"middle class."

If you believe that, call the number below.

My employer doesn't know my last name!

Where's your name from?

My parents are from Haiti.

Okay.

They immigrated here, so no generational wealth there.

Where'd you go to college?

The College of Santa Fe.


-Mm, see?
-It no longer exists.

Exotic!

'Cause it was a party school for rich people.

That is true.

Ari Aster went there, Macklemore went there...

[Ziwe] Wow!

William Jackson Harper went there.


-Wow!
-And then me.

Do you think I'll overtake Macklemore?

Yes, you look like you're in his video for "Thrift Shop."

[laughing] That's really hard to hear.

And I know it's gonna make the cut.

I'm gonna pop some checks, only got
-
-

You like LL Bean?

I do like LL Bean.

How many LL Bean products do you own?

I have the Bean boots.

Wow, you've got the Bean boots?!

I do, yeah.

A Black man with the Bean boots,

and you're not rich.

[chuckling] I don't know how to do answer that.

What's it like working for me?

[sighs] Can I
-
- I don't
-
-

Be honest!

Uh... it's good.

Yeah, it's great.

Can you elaborate?

The hours are good...

The hours are good and...

um...

there is so much busywork in this job!


-There's busywork?!
-Yes!

[Ziwe] What do you mean?

The busywork of making a television show?

There's so much homework.

Like what?

Some of the questions on that sheet,

I'm staying up all night.

The questions are "Who are you wearing?"

You wrote that sh*t? Should you get a cookie?

The hours were rough!

You just said that they had good hours.

We can literally roll it back.

The hours are good and...

You know, I think that we can learn something from this,

which is that sometimes, Black women put their neck out for

Black men
-
-

[laughs]

And they're constantly being reminded why they should not

give a [register ding].

Oh, no, that cannot be!

That can't be the takeaway from this!

No, the takeaway is that you're rich and ungrateful.

And that's the interview!

[Ziwe VO] That [beep] wearin' Bean boots!

upbeat orchestral music

jaunty music

Money! Money...

Money. Money!

Money. Money...

Money.

jaunty music

Our next guest is an iconic comedian and landlord.

Please welcome Hannibal Buress.

[claps]

Ziwe, what's happenin'?

Thank you for coming on my show.

I think that you are an incredible talent.

Appreciate that.

How much money do you have on you at this very juncture?

Hold up.

Why do you have loose singles?

What is wrong with you?!

I got $.

You got a wallet?

No.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know, I didn't know I had it.

Okay, so you're rich.

[Hannibal] No.

Sometimes, that digital sh*t don't go.

Mm.

I'm talking about my barber; he takes cash only.

And your barber charges you $?

You're getting robbed!

I wanted to be fresh!

What advice do you have to comediennes without property?


-Please, to the camera.
-Live in the moment.

Live in the moment?

Be good to your family.

Remember what matters.

Just relax, freestyle.

Freestyle your way out of...anything.

Do one. Freestyle.

Gimme a beat.

No, I'm not your [register ding] servant.

Collaborator.

Okay.

cool beat

[rapping] Yeah

We out here

Chillin'

Ziwe


-On the set
-Yeah.

Got the green suit

Got it.

Interview goin' on yet

Feelin' real calm

Got it.

Adderall coursin' through my veins

Okay, shout out!

Everything goin'

Okay!

Feelin' real focused, not insane

Okay!

I'm staring' right in for my look

Okay!

They gon' manipulate this when it's over


-Oh, yes!
-[laughs]

Wow, that was really beautiful.

Thank you.

You're known to gamble on sports.

What are the odds that you're happy?

You know...

to prepare for this...

Mm.

I rented a soundstage and had five women that sorta look like

you just, uh, say passive
-aggressive things to me

as I spin around in a circle.

And I think I overdid it, and now...

it's all goin'
-
- it's goin'
-
- it's goin' wild up there.

Okay, the prop comic has entered the building.

This is not props, it's just...

it's so much going on, and if I put on sunglasses,

I can close my eyes and not be intimidated by the environment

and just talk to you as a spirit.

How many properties do you own?

I knew y'all
-
- I knew y'all was gonna do that.

Oh, talk about you being a landlord?

Well...

the thing with property, you don't really...

you don't really own it, you know?

'Cause...

we're just passing through life, life is temporary,

so do I really own...

something?

It'll be here...

[echoing] when I'm gone.

It was here before I got here.

zen music

That's actually literally not how buildings work.


-Really?
-Really.

Don't look at me like that!

Have you ever evicted someone before?


-Yeah.
-You have?

[chuckles] It was a church.

[church bell]


-Shut up!
-Yeah.

And they were, like, five months late, though, and I
-
-


-Are you dead
-a*s right now?
-[Hannibal] Absolutely.

You evicted a house of God?!

I'm not religious, and I feel like five months,

uh, shows that...

God is not in your favor so...

I'm a pastor and you're evicting me.

What do you say?

I have the property manager do it; that's not...

That's cold
-blooded.

Ahh, it's not cold
-blooded.

Five months?!


-And you're a church!
-Amen!

You don't need to be there.

That's not your home.

If it's your home...

we'll figure out something.

You once said, "It's kind of wild seeing young white kids get

upset at you for owning property."

Would describe yourself as your ancestors' wildest dreams?

No!

But I did think it was interesting to...

have those convos with folks...

and having that, like, address other real estate practices,

like redlining or block
-busting
-
- like,

all these other issues within real estate and...

a system... they created.

This is so much learning!

Well, you know, I'm, like, just operating...

in that system.

It's okay for Black people to have sort of,

like, horrible business practices where they evict,

um, worshippers of God if they're
-
-

How is that a horrible business practice?

Seems kind of mean.

I wouldn't that on my conscience.

I would say that you're tempting God to strike you dead,

and that's bad business.

Who's that? Who is God?

If God exists, why he ain't been on your show?

I think God is a Black woman, and so every time a Black woman

appears on this show, He lives through them and speaks through

them.

Blessings.

Amen.

Who makes
-
- who makes your beats?

Stop being poor

I work with this woman named Jen Goma.

Why don't you credit her on Spotify,

'cause, like...

on Spotify, there's a
-
-

She's credited on the songs that she's worked on,

but not every single one.

But it's like, a lot of the songs on Spotify have no
-
-

Name a song.

Lemme see; I was just, like, looking.

Yeah, if you wanna confront me, come on,

come with receipts.

Do you have any receipts in your pockets with those loose

singles, you sick [register ding]?

No, I don't throw receipts 'cause I have no regrets.

Oh, got it.

[Hannibal] I don't want receipts.

Lookit right here, Ziwe!

[Ziwe] Okay, pull it up!

"Stop Being Poor," right there...

Okay, so she didn't produce that
-
-

Song credit...

That was with Chicken, and I didn't upload that, Showtime
-
-

Produced by nobody?!

Showtime/Viacom uploaded that song,

and I appreciate them.


-Oh, Showtime and Viacom!
-[Ziwe] Yes!


-I love them.
-So you support...

a conglomerate that doesn't like crediting the artist?

It's just a blank
-
- it's just a blank line at "Produced by."

I didn't put that on the Internet!

I stand on this with toes.

Got it, well
-
- what?!

Hm?

I'm mad at you.

I'm not mad at you.

All you had to do was come on my show and be kind to a Black

woman
-
- me
-
- and you couldn't even do that.

Let's unpack that.

Why do you feel like I was unkind?

You have a Black woman who's your literal complexion,

and you look her in the eyes and you say,

"How can I sabotage?"

Ya got me.

[laughs]

Okay, Hannibal the movie star...

the rapper...

the Wale look
-alike, what do you want us to know about you before

you part?

I want you to know...

that...

I'm preparing...for a big move,

and the move itself is so...

is so great, and this
-
- this trip...

to New York City, while it's been...

amazing to speak with you, is...

just to split the distance on my way to Greenland,

and there, I'm gonna open up...

a Landlord Center for the Arts.

Wow.

You're like a very large baby.

Can you say "Goo
-goo ga
-ga?"

Say it, say "Goo
-goo ga
-ga, I'm Hannibal Buress."

Ah, no, 'cause babies don't even say that!

jaunty music

[record scratch]

energetic EDM

[register ding]

[all] Making bank just like I should

jaunty music

We're done.


-This is done?
-Yes!

[Hannibal] All right.

whimsical orchestral music

Thank you, Ziwe.

This looks cool.

This is what TV is like again, huh?

I'm so [indistinct] that this was your return.

[Hannibal] This is nice.

That's the show!