02x08 - Flatchural Disaster

[bunniefuu]

[CELL PHONES BEEPING]

There's a tornado warning in effect

and Flatch is in the projected path?

Oh, my God. Run! Run! Take cover.

Don't panic! We have to go underground!

No trampling!

[WIND GUSTING]

[OBJECTS CRASHING]

So tomorrow's the big debate

for town selectperson.

I'm k*lling it

as Barb's campaign manager

Putting up some extra signage, you know,

going out of the way. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, we're totally going

to crush Mandy and Dylan.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm actually

minding my own business.

Super fun. You should try it.

No matter how many signs you put up,

Barb and I are still going to beat you.

Oh, right, like how you beat

me in eighth grade, right?

The only reason you won class president

was because you started a nasty rumor

that my hamster had rabies

and told everyone I made out with it.

Ew. That's ridiculous.

I would never say that.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Vote Mandy!

Mandy!

[KEYBOARD PLAYING]

"Mickey About Town" has the

scoop on all things political.

With the debate

happening this afternoon,

let's see what the candidates stand for.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

[GRUNTS]

[DOGS BARKING]

♪

New roads, new schools,

new parks, and a new attitude.

Barb Flatch just hits different.

You can't spell "Flatch"

without Barb Flatch.

♪

What a-a family. I'm a daddy,

and I want to be Flatch's daddy.

So true, babe. [CLEARS THROAT]

What my husband was supposed to say

is that Flatch is our family,

and family is important.

Would you trust your kids

to two women without kids?

Pretty scary. [CHUCKLES]

Wow. Great videos.

This race is going to be tight.

Really looking forward

to the debate this afternoon.

Hey, babe.

How do I look?

So cute.

"Cute"?

What am I, a toddler in a tiny Corvette?

I am a professional, Joe.

I am not some miniature horse

jumping over a [BLEEP] rainbow.

That cute enough for you?

[CHUCKLES] [DOOR SLAMS]

Cheryl's in the middle of treatment

for her egg extraction,

and her hormone levels

are a bit, um, elevated.

It's been intense. [GIGGLES]

A lot of ups and downs.

Sometimes I just cry for no reason.

And sometimes I cry

because I cry so much.

[SOBBING]

I don't want her

to stress out, you know?

So I just I try to help where I can.

No, stop trying to fix things, Joe.

Thank you.

I've rejuvenated

the real estate market here.

I've beautified the town.

I even have investors

come in to possibly build

a butter bust museum

right here in Flatch.

Okay, technically, the museum was me.

But if I've learned anything,

it's that you never wake someone

while they're sleepwalking

and you never interrupt

an alpha on a roll.

Ask me some debate questions.

What can you bring to Flatch?

The real question is,

what can't I bring to Flatch?

See what I did there. [GIGGLES]

That's my strategy answer

a question with a question.

You can never go wrong. Hit me again.

Do we need a light at the

corner of Lynnwood and Glen?

Do you want a light at the

corner of Lynnwood and Glen?

- Yes.

- Great. Let's do it.

- Oh, my God.

- [LAUGHS]

You're brilliant.

Am I brilliant?

I don't think I can do this.

You know how uncomfortable

I am with public speaking

Uncomfortable?

I am eight months pregnant.

My calves are ham hocks.

And every time I sneeze, I pee a little.

So I think you can handle

a simple debate.

Besides, even if you

can't speak, you're so cute.

People are going to vote for you anyway.

Um, I have prepared some note cards

with just some stock answers

in case you get lost.

All right, let's take a look.

Oh, perfect.

First we take Flatch,

then the governor's mansion.

I have always wanted to be

Ohio's first family.

Babe, where's the state of Ohio

flag pin I told you

- I got it.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Uh, no.

No, no. Um, uh, no.

That's an Ohio State University pin.

- No, uh-uh.

- Ohio.

I asked you to get

a state of Ohio flag pin.

No one has ever won an Ohio election

without a state of Ohio flag pin.

You know what? It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine.

I'm just going to get you one.

I'm going to get you one.

I'm going to get you one.

Calm down. You calm down.

You better calm down

and get ready and calm down.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Hey, excuse you. Baby on board.

I need an Ohio flag pin. No one's

ever won an election without one.

How do you know that?

Bribe the janitor?

[SCOFFS] No, that's cheating.

I just I Barbed him.

You know, I told him that

any information he overheard

could be redeemed

for a new mop bucket

I mean, if I win, of course.

No, I don't need a suit or a pin.

I'm naturally presidential.

My mom said when I was born,

the nurse saluted.

[CHUCKLES]

We're moments away

from a what's sure to be a fiery debate.

But that's not the only storm brewing.

[WIND GUSTING SOFTLY]

Things are looking

pretty stormy out here, folks.

Feels like tornado weather to me.

As editor of the paper,

I think that participating in

local government is so important,

which is why I am moderating

the debate today.

As former debate champ,

this is my time to shine.

[CLICKING TONGUE] [FEEDBACK WHINES]

Joe volunteered to help me

at the debate.

At first, I was against it

'cause, you know, Joe can be a lot.

- Oh, come on.

- You like to pull focus.

But, um, you know, I could

really use his help

in staying calm, because as

I've learned from my chickens,

stress can greatly affect egg laying.

- Yeah.

- I am not a chicken.

[LAUGHS] But right now

I am an egg-making machine.

We are ready for anything.

I packed a Cheryl calming kit

Some lavender oil and, uh,

my secret calming tonic.

It's a Kool-Aid and Tang hybrid

with a sugar reduction

and just a dot of my Sour Father Ale.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Ooh.

Hello. Welcome. [DOOR CLOSES]

Yes, you are in the right place.

Welcome to the debate.

It's a little disappointing

to have a low turnout.

You can't have a democracy

without the people.

I'm not going to cry.

[WHIMPERS]

Am I working with Mandy

to get back at Barb?

[SCOFFS] No.

I mean, sure, she bruised

my heart a little bit,

and she kicked me out

of Nan's house, but trust me

I can keep this professional.

Why? What'd she say about me?

You can tell me. I-I-I don't care.

I hate having to come to Pockton,

but I have to get an

Ohio state flag pin for Barb.

[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]

Oh, my God. [DOOR CLOSES, BELLS JINGLE]

Nadine. Figures you'd follow me here.

How? I-I was here first.

Okay, you know what?

I don't have time for this.

- What are you doing here anyway?

- Nothing. I'm just

I'm browsing. What are you

I'm just browsing. I'm shopping.

- I'm shopping, too.

- Okay, well, you can shop.

Okay, have fun shopping.

Browse away.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, yo.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

- You're hilarious.

- Thank you.

- I was curious

Do you happen

to have an Ohio state flag pin?

Yes.

And lucky you It's the last one.

- Oh, I was here first.

- No, I was the one who asked.

So, actually, thank you

for grabbing that for me.

Thank you so much. That'd be great.

Don't push me.

It's unfair 'cause you're pregnant.

Okay, you know what?

Let's just settle this

the old-school way, okay?

You really want to drink

a gallon of milk

- and see who throws up first?

- Ew, no.

Why would I want to

Why do you want to

Never mind. No, rock paper scissors

Best out of three, no take-backs.

Oh!

You're going to regret that,

mother from another mother.

Ready? Okay. Ready, ready, ready.

BOTH: Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

- What the

- Ugh!

[SERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Boom!

She's the candidate

that makes you undulate.

You can trust her,

unlike some people we know.

She's sweeter the candy,

tougher to nails.

Put your hands together

for the amazing Mandy!

[CELL PHONES BEEPING]

There's a tornado warning in effect

and Flatch is in the projected path?

Oh, my God. Run! Run! Take cover!

Don't panic! We have to go underground!

No trampling!

These warnings happen a bunch.

Most of the time, it's a false alarm.

Now, don't get me wrong

I'm going to take shelter,

but I'm going to check eBay

and make me a sandwich first.

[CELL PHONES BEEPING]

A tornado? Oh, hell, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Are you leaving?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- You going to leave?

- [SCOFFS] You first, Mallet.

I'm not leaving. All day.

[STRAINING] I need that pin.

[BREATHLESSLY] I think I'll stay.

I'm going to stay all day. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Are you even pregnant at all?

Oh, God, oh!

Oh, my God! The baby's coming!

Mom is safe in the basement.

She's watching her soaps.

- Um, how are you feeling?

- Ugh.

Ooh, I had tiny

Teeny tiny contractions

when I was taking Chantal to

her grandmother's this morning,

but, you know, I didn't want to

worry Dylan before the debate.

You know, I thought I had time

to win the debate.

And then Dylan and I would get

escorted to the hospital

via a government-issued motorcade.

- Okay.

- Ah.

And now it's not safe to drive.

Oh, I cannot have this baby in Pockton.

Okay, you're right. You're right.

Okay, we got this. We got this.

- Okay.

- Okay.

[PHONE BEEPS] Oh, okay.

911. What's your emergency?

You guys really be saying that.

Okay, okay, first-time caller,

long-time fan.

- Just

- Um, we're having a baby!

And I don't know if I'm

strong enough for this, okay?

- Like

- Okay, ma'am. Calm down.

Okay, condescending much.

- I'm really calm, dude.

- Okay.

We're sending someone

to your location now,

but this tornado has limited

our resources, so

Okay, no help at all.

- I'm going to call Dylan.

- No, no. No, no, no.

I want him to focus on the debate, okay?

I can handle this myself. [GROANING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

I just got a text from Nadine

saying she's safe.

"Use the note cards.

Don't screw this up."

Also got a heart emoji.

So, uh, so sorry

about overreacting earlier

First tornado.

And don't worry I will replace

the hallway door that I broke.

Anyway, now that we have a crowd,

I don't see why we can't, uh,

finish the debate.

- Yes.

- Do we really have to?

[MOCKINGLY] Yes, we really have to.

[CHUCKLES] And we're all going

to participate,

and you're going to like it.

Does mama need her calm juice?

Oh, no, no, no, Joe. I'm fine.

So everyone sit down, shut up,

and let's enjoy

the democratic process, yeah?

Okay, so the tornado is moving closer.

I don't know where

the paramedics are exactly.

I cannot give birth in Pockton.

Yeah.

So, normally, I wouldn't help Nadine

because she's my sworn mortal enemy,

but her baby's an innocent

bystander in our w*r.

And it doesn't deserve to begin its life

in this trash can town,

so we're going to hold the baby in.

I'm going to take your mind off of it.

Yes, okay.

Uh, oh, my God.

Wait. I got it, I got it.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

Alpaca my own suitcase, thanks.

Wait. I think I forgot a part of it.

What policies

do you plan on implementing

that will maintain

our current infrastructure

but stimulate economic growth fiscally?

Girl, I don't even know what that means.

Uh, yeah, I don't know

how to ask a question

with that question.

Dylan?

[SIGHS]

I have a dream

that one day all Flatch boys and girls

will play together in perfect harmony.

If you keep appropriating Dr. King,

I'm going to march up and down your a*s.

Uh-huh. [CROWD MURMURS]

Focus, people! Focus!

[MURMURING CONTINUES]

If you could have lunch

with any celebrity,

- who would it be?

- Great question.

Joe, when I asked for your

help, I meant just sit there.

Yeah, but I know how to work a crowd.

You're overstepping your duties.

I want to hear the answer to that.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Who would you like to have lunch with?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

You know, probably a young Tom Hanks.

He's always felt like a friend

and a-a father figure to me.

Great question,

great answer, Father Joe.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh-h*.

h*, h*. Thank you.

This is so fun.

- [BOTH SHOUTING]

- Okay.

You do a handstand

and then just let it

- Gravity suck

- I can't. I can't. I can't.

Why are you skinnier than me

if you can't do a handstand?

[BOTH SHOUT] I know. I know.

I do this sometimes to calm down.

Sometimes I make floor angels,

and it's really calming.

Okay, like this.

Ow. [GROANING]

Okay, well, don't spread them

that wide, okay?

I saw what you did there.

You're going to get pregnant again.

Well, Joe, it's a tie

between Fruity Pebbles and Cap'n Crunch.

- Yeah.

- But if I have to pick my favorite,

I'm going with the Cap'n

because them Crunch Berries slap.

- Yes.

- I know.

You know, I would imagine

that the Captain and I were

setting sail in a sea of milk,

and he would say, "Ahoy, Joey.

Would you like to be my first mate?"

- No one asked you, Joe.

- Yep.

So, basically, Nadine's

freaking out because it's

not going according

to her birth plan at all.

She had a doula.

I don't know what that is.

And also, she booked a really

fancy birthing suite in Dayton.

So what I did is I tried to make it look

as close to that as possible.

You know, it took some doing,

but I kind of think I nailed it.

And, um, like, genuinely,

I'm excited to show Nadine.

Okay. No peeking, Mom.

I'm not going to peek.

You don't have to do that.

Okay. Open your eyes.

[NADINE GROANS]

I know. I know.

- It makes me emotional, too.

- [SOBBING]

Okay, what steps do you plan on taking

to reduce Flatch's carbon footprint

without hurting our local businesses

that rely on fossil fuels?

[STAMMERS] Can we

Can we answer another one

of Father Joe's questions?

Because those are fun. Am I right? Huh?

Oh! Oh-h*! [CROWD CLAMORING]

Did I know that I was going

to be a natural at this?

Yes.

You can take the performer

out of the spotlight,

but you can't take the

spotlight out of the performer.

Okay, let's move on

to audience questions.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hi, Shrub here

The man who had the only home

he's ever known "shripped" from him

by someone he had grown to trust.

Okay, do you actually have a question?

Sure. I do have a question for Barb.

So right now you're telling everyone

that you are super into Flatch

and you're committed to us,

but I don't know.

How do we know that you're not

going to just get bored

and break up with us

and then erotically pour wax

on some other town's chest?

- Huh?

- Oh, gross.

What about that?

Shrub, is this just about

your relationship with Barb?

Who cares?

These are the kind of questions

I'm here for.

Yes.

Answer it. Answer it.

Answer it.

ALL: [CHANTING] Answer it. Answer it.

Answer it. Answer it. Answer it.

- [GROANS]

- Have some water.

- Have some water.

- Thank you.

Okay.

- Oh.

- Um

hey, are you scared at all?

Because I'm feeling really scared,

and I'm not even giving birth, so

Um, maybe a little.

Yeah.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

- Kelly

- Mm-hmm.

In case we die

in this disgusting town

- Yeah.

- Um

I need to tell you something.

I

may have said something

about you and your hamster

in eighth grade.

I knew it.

Why?

You were always just so confident.

I guess I was a little jealous.

[SCOFFS] Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- Um

Yeah, yeah.

I yeah, I mean, jealousy is

the only thing that I would

- That would make sense.

- Right.

Um

I-I've always been so jealous

of your k*ller instinct.

Really?

- You're like the Terminator.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

- Mm-hmm.

- Except with way cuter skirts.

You heard it right.

Just like that, two enemies

lay down their swords

and extend an olive branch.

Shut your stupid a*s up

and get over here!

- It's coming.

- It's go time.

I got a question for Barb.

That is a direct violation

of the parli pro format.

Cool. What's your angle, Barb?

What's your angle, Mandy?

No more games.

Look, Barb just expect us

all to get spray tans

and start planting palm trees.

Admit it you're trying to turn

Flatch into Florida.

You're just mad because

there's somebody in town

who's not afraid to stand

up to you, little Mandy.

- Can I say something?

- Both: No!

Hey, look what I saw in the kitchen.

Who wants to see a three-way relay race?

I got five on Nadine's husband.

- Thank you.

- Okay. That is enough!

Listen, everyone, you just want

to ask questions like,

what's your favorite color,

or are you into foot stuff?

- Yeah.

- Do not answer that, Shrub.

Oh, my God.

I'm sick of you making a joke

out of me and this process.

- Grow up.

- [CLAPS SLOWLY]

Oh, shut the hell up, Joe.

Okay, you know what?

I knew this was a bad idea.

No more help from you.

Except for this. This is very tasty.

You can keep making the drink,

but then no more help.

- Okay, you can do it!

- I can't.

- I can't push anymore.

- Yes, you can, okay?

You're Nadine, okay?

You're the Terminator.

You can do anything you want.

- Okay.

- Okay, remember second grade

when we went on that field trip?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

And we got lost in the Flatch Caves.

- Uh-huh.

- And you brought your compass,

and you were the only one.

- And that's why we got out.

- Yeah.

Oh, and you got Mr. Tipaldi

fired because he got us lost.

[STRAINING] I hated Mr. Tipaldi!

Yes! Push! [BOTH SCREAMING]

[LIQUID SPLASHES] Oh, my God!

[SHOUTS] Wha

You can't just barge

into the women's bathroom.

Well, Mandy has a plan to make

bathrooms in Flatch all gender by 2032,

but not why I'm here.

Mandy wants you to read this

and then meet her in the storage room.

Listen, things got really crazy

out there, I know.

But, Barb, we cannot be making

this about us.

This is about the campaign.

This is about democracy,

and it's too important.

And I know it's going to be hard,

but we have to remain

professional through this

no matter how hard our loins

are longing for each other.

You know what I mean?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I miss you, too. I do.

- Look down. Obviously.

- What?

But I ride or die for Mandy now,

and you need to respect that.

May the best person win.

Where did you get

my birth certificate from?

I've got my ways.

Be interesting to hear

what folks would have to say

if they learned that Barb Flatch

was born in Pockton.

Here's a preview. "Oh, hell, no."

"Barb is dead to me. Ugh."

Probably start calling you Barb Pockton.

You're a ruthless opponent.

I'm impressed.

You're a worthy competitor yourself.

Truthfully, I realized I don't have

enough time to be a selectwoman.

I got the tattoo business,

the church business,

picking up my dog's business.

You get it. I'm busy.

Look, I'm willing to let you win

as long as you consult with me on

any major changes you make to Flatch.

Okay, I will.

I also want a parking spot at Town Hall,

a nude beach on the pond,

and for the love of God,

please let Shrub stay

in Nan's house till it sells.

That boy is emotional, and he needs it.

Okay, well, I will agree to all of that

except the nude beach.

Look, body positivity is great,

but I am positive I don't want

to see everybody's body.

I am specifically talking about Len.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, don't worry.

I've made several copies of that.

And should something

suspicious happen to me,

I've instructed someone to send

that directly to Cheryl at the paper.

As long as you don't renege on our deal,

your secret's safe with me.

Okay.

You better edit all of this out.

All of it.

[SIREN WAILS]

- We had a baby!

- Kelly.

[SOFTLY] Sorry. We had a baby.

I don't mean to be gross or anything,

but I couldn't have done this

without you.

I-I really

I don't know how to repay you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I was thinking about that, too.

Um, Kelly is also a boy's name.

[LAUGHS] I'm not doing that.

No, I'll get you, like, a cheese basket

or something, right? Kind of exciting.

So Dylan and Mandy dropped out,

but I still think the debate

was a success.

And also, the tornado didn't

hit the town, so that's a relief.

And since Joe stopped helping,

I've been pretty relaxed.

Cheryl, I'd like to

put an ad in the paper.

No one wants to buy

your pickled grapes, June!

Oh.

Something feels different.

I got the pin.

So, yeah, that means Barb and I won.

I mean, technically, we won

because everyone else quit.

But you know what they say.

Survival of the fittest.

Yeah, Mandy and I lost.

But out of nowhere, Barb told me

that I can stay at Nan's house

until she sells it,

so clearly she's still sweet

on old Shrub.

[WHISPERING] No, she's not.