02x05 - The Headless Horseman

[bunniefuu]

[BOBBY PICKETT'S "MONSTER MASH"]

[ALL CHEERING]

Four Barbaritas for la mesa ♪

- That's "table" in Spanish.

- All right.

It's time to get this

fiesta started, ladies ♪

It hasn't already started?

We've yelled "woo" like five times.

OK. I do love a pink drink.

Reminds me of middle school.

I too love a fancy drink.

And I hate to be a party pooper,

but I need to take photos of

Nan's house for the website

before the sun goes down.

You know? Play hard, work harder.

Right, boss?

Who are you calling boss? [LAUGHS]

I'm off the clock, and so are you.

You can take the pictures tomorrow.

It's spooky night.

What is spooky night?

It's something that I used to

do with my girlfriends,

AKA "The Coven" back in the Pomp

to get in the spirit of Halloween.

Now I'm doing it with my new

girlfriends here in Flatch.

First thing we did Witchy manicures.

[GROWLS]

Spooky gals.

Poo gas.

I asked for something natural

and low-key and got these.

[CHUCKLES] Still having

lots of fun, though.

ALL: To spooky night!

- Woo!

- Yes, witch!

- [CHUCKLES]

- Mm-mm.

Just trying it out.

Spooky night is awesome.

I mean, it's so fun hanging

out with Barb outside work.

She's so cool and fun.

Did you hear when she was like,

"Who you calling boss?"

I think if I play my cards right,

we could be like, best friends.

And like, I've never had one

of those other than Shrub.

Oh, my God. He'd be so bestie-rita.

I just made that up.

I gotta go tell Barb.

Who is that?

Oh, that's Rick.

But everybody calls him the Hot Hermit

'cause he lives off the grid

and he's hot.

Yeah, he is.

He's like one of the hottest men

I've ever seen in my life, and I

I was a judge at the Mr. Pompano

Beach apron-only grilling competition.

Enjoy.

Did Hot Hermit just pay in soup?

Bone broth.

He's a live-off-the-land type, but he

comes in once a week

to buy Fruity Pebbles.

- Mm.

- 'Kay.

OK. That's it. I'm putting it out there.

I want a new man.

It's time to get over Bert

and hop under a hermit.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[SCREAMS] [BOTH SCREAM]

So for Halloween this year, me, Beth,

and Mickey are actually

doing a throuple costume,

which at first I really

was not excited about.

But then I thought about it,

and it turns out

that there's actually

a ton of really cool costumes

that you can only do with three people.

You know, like Bella, Edward, Jacob.

Plug, socket, surge protector.

- Rock, paper

- Cowgirl.

So you two are my horse.

When was this decided?

I think it was when my dad

let us use the jacuzzi.

Wait, you guys were in

a Jacuzzi together without me?

So I'm the cowgirl,

and Mickey's the front of the

horse, and you're the back.

Uh, you mean the butt. [CHUCKLES] Um

Right. Well, what if

Mickey is the butt actually?

'Cause he has an amazing rump.

Well, thank you, but think

about the optics of

a Black man being the butt of a horse.

Not the message that we want to send.

[SIGHS]

- Here, horsey.

- Oh, thank you.

I'd give you some, but your

part doesn't have a face.

I love Halloween.

It's one of my favorite holidays.

All the candy, and the

pumpkin-themed stuff,

all the scares.

[SCREAMS] [LAUGHS]

And I found all my old A-Men stuff.

A lot of memories in here.

A lot of panties, too.

Christian Teen Idol and all,

it was huge in Germany.

Yeah. I was, uh, very good for

the unmentionables industry.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah. I remember that show.

So much fun, guys.

So now for the best part

of spooky night, a psychic.

Oh, yeah. I'm out.

I don't I don't do psychics.

- What?

- Oh, come on, Mandy.

- Psychics aren't real.

- [SIGHS] No.

I don't mess with psychics.

Plus I saw that guy at the drugstore.

Dude tries on the Chapsticks

and then puts them back.

That's pervert behavior.

I'm going to ask who my

next lover is going to be

because, honey, it is time.

Honey, it is time.

[SMOOCHES]

I'll leave that honey stuff to you.

Girl, it is time for you

to get back on that horse.

Yeah, it is. [CHUCKLES]

I'm seeing that your next

big love is going to be

someone sexy but a little bit spicy.

- Ooh. I like spicy.

- But not your usual type.

That's really good

because Bert was my type,

and apparently the entire

brokerage is as well.

So when when am I going

to meet this person?

- Soon.

- Oh, OK.

But keep an eye out

for someone unexpected.

Oh, my God. OK.

This is good. This is good.

- But buckle up

- What?

Because it's going to be intense.

[GROANS] God. OK.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Your turn, babe.

Thanks, babe.

[RETCHES] I don't I don't say "babe."

Ooh. Ooh. Oh, my.

You're going to be like

extremely frightened really soon.

No.

That's not possible.

I literally don't get scared.

I saw "The Exorcist" when I was four,

and I went home and slept like

a baby, 'cause I was one.

I'm telling you

you're going to be terrified.

And I'm telling you

I need to get you a mic.

- You're a comedian.

- Ow.

Sorry.

And last but not least

Oh, OK.

[CHUCKLES] Not what I was expecting.

Glam in the front, granola in the back.

I see you, miss mullet.

So what do you want to know?

Well, why don't you

just tell me something?

Oh, well, if I ask you a question,

you'll know what I want to hear.

Then how am I going to know if you're

really telling my fortune

or you're just a fake?

Mm. OK.

Your attitude is not appreciated.

I don't go to your job

and say the news is fake.

Well, actually, that's

a big problem in journalism

- right now.

- You're cool.

You're cool.

- You both get free herb baths.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- No herb bath for you.

You're not cool. Get out. Bye-bye.

When people are rude,

it is more a reflection of them

than it is of you.

Wait.

How did he know I work in news?

[DOG HOWLING, BARKING]

What do besties do?

They let you know if you

have a boog hanging out.

They have your back in a prank w*r.

Most importantly, be a good wing woman.

If Barb likes that Hot Hermit,

I'm serving up Hot Hermit on a platter.

Mickey?

Imagine your body

is on the crest of a wave.

As you inhale, the tide

goes out, and you notice

- Dude, what are you doing?

- Oh.

Your grandma said you were in the

closet, but I thought she was being old.

Oh, I'm just making a recording

for my Meditate With Mickey app.

The acoustics in here

are incredible, thanks to

my extensive hand-knit

woolen cap collection.

Listen to this.

I feel it's my duty to make use of my

[SLOWLY] Soothing voice instrument.

So what brings you

to my studio, Kel-dawg?

Well, Mick dog, I'm actually

here because I need to borrow

your drone to make a sick

video of Nan's house for Barb.

Ah.

A drone is the perfect

tool for that job,

though I have two very important rules.

- Are you listening?

- Yes.

One is that you be careful

with Sharon Drone.

Rule number two is very important.

It's that you adhere to all

federal privacy regulations.

No spying.

Dude, we are on the same page.

Literally was going to say no spying.

Oh, we're definitely spying.

As Barb's employee, I need to get

those photos for the website.

But as her wing woman, I need

to check out the Hot Hermit.

See if he's Barb material.

I'm like a Barb bouncer.

If you want to get into Barb,

you've got to go through me.

Damn it.

[GROANS]

I hired you to do some touch-ups,

but that is some angry painting

you're doing.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

I'm just like

super frustrated right now.

Having throuple trouble.

What's going on?

Beth and Mickey are making me

be like an actual butt for Halloween.

Like, we're doing like

a cowgirl and a horse,

and they took the good parts

of the costume, obviously.

Always, actually.

Huh, sounds to me like

you're getting pushed around.

Right? Yes. Thank you.

It's like no one ever listens to me,

and I'm feeling like a third wheel.

It's like I I really

honestly can't even tell you

if Beth even likes me anymore

or if she just likes being part

of a very complicated calendar.

I hear you.

I mean, I've had a few

throuple experiences myself.

Oh, yeah?

They were more like threesomes.

Um

You want my advice?

Absolutely.

A throuple is only as

strong as its weakest link.

- You got to put your foot down.

- Right.

Make it clear that you will not

be pushed around, 'cause right now,

it's just a Halloween costume.

But the next thing you

know, you are pushed

out of the family plan and a 22

year old is wearing your at-home wig.

And I will tell you what I told

that girl from Tallahassee.

I said that is my damn waterbed,

and Barb is not an appetizer.

She is the whole damn meal.

Well, that is that's

really great advice.

To be completely honest with you,

I don't know what most

of Barb's advice means.

But I do know that when

someone with a waterbed talks,

you listen.

Hey, look.

All my fan letters from my A-Men days.

- Aw.

- People were so thoughtful.

One woman named her

Boston Terrier after me.

Fan mail, panties,

fan mail, panties.

Oh, hey. Look.

The remote from my first apartment.

[CHUCKLES]

More panties.

I forgot about the sheer volume

- Ooh.

- Of panties.

Look at this.

The puka shells.

The girls went crazy for this thing.

Hey, Cheryl, can you handle the heat?

I remember the first time

I saw that necklace

in the video for the song

"Take My Body and Eat It."

Those, uh, puka shells

all covered in sweat and

just bouncing up and down on his chest

as he danced.

What were you talking about?

[ANIMALS CHITTERING]

[DRONE BEEPS]

Hey, thanks for taking me out

here and showing me the ropes.

Wouldn't want to risk slamming

this puppy into a house

- on its first flight, right?

- Of course.

Well, the only person who lives out here

is Rick the Hot Hermit.

Really? The hot what?

I didn't know anyone lived out here.

Who is that guy?

[STUTTERS] Kelly, what did I say?

- This is spying.

- That was the wind. OK?

It's not spying

if the wind wants to do it.

The wind is really curious

what Rick's up to.

Weird, but OK, wind.

[DISPLAY BEEPS]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's like a lot of axes, right?

Like, what's a normal amount

of axes to have? Seven?

Any number of axes is our cue to go.

Do you think he's like an ax m*rder*r?

If he is, that's his business,

and it's his right to keep that private.

And it is my right to stay alive.

- So I will take back

- No.

It is my business if he's a k*ller. OK?

As Barb's potential best friend,

I don't want her hooking up

with someone dangerous.

Wait. Rick is Barb's boyfriend?

He could be if he plays his cards right,

like having a good explanation

for his really creepy yard, right?

You ready for lunch?

Ugh, lunch? Right.

Yeah, OK. Give me two minutes.

I have had a day.

First, the dishwasher broke down,

and then the chickens

mistook my nails for talons

and tried to peck me to death.

I'm a little concerned

that Emily Chickenson

might have enjoyed it.

[SIGHS] You know

what's happening, right?

That psychic put a curse on you.

Oh.

No, it's It's just a bad day.

None of that woo-woo stuff is real.

Did you tell the psychic that?

- Uh, I may have implied it.

- Come on.

Let's go. Let's hurry up.

OK, I just need to check

the paper today.

[GASPS] Oh, no!

They forgot to print the front page?

That's never happened before.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to wear this,

and you added a muscle suit for Mickey?

Well, it's nothing personal, Shrub.

- Do you want a muscle butt?

- Yeah.

Of course I want a muscle butt.

I'm only human, Beth.

But it's about having to ask, guys.

- I'm like

- Comrades, I do hate to rush us.

But I need to get back

to protecting my drone.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, throuple focus.

Cowgirl assemble.

It's time to jaunty walk.

Ready? OK.

Here we go.

OK. Shrub, you need to get lower.

The head shouldn't be on

the same plane as the butt.

I'm trying, Mickey.

I have a lot of back problems

for a young man, actually.

If the butt talks,

it ruins the illusion.

Yes, as our sweet Beth aptly

put it, shush your tush.

Well, I'm not going

to shush my tush, OK?

This butt has something to say,

and it's that you guys

never listen to me.

No one ever cares how I feel, and all

the good stuff always goes to Mickey.

And it's like, what?

Now you don't want me to talk?

Are you kidding me?

That is so stupid.

You know what?

I'm out of this costume

and the throuple.

Gah. Whatever!

Just you know,

Shrub is not an appetizer, OK?

I'm the whole dang meal.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Cheryl! Are you OK?

I think I'm having an allergic reaction.

So Mandy gave me this oil that she

got at a gas station in New Orleans.

And she swears that that's why

she hasn't had bad luck

in like six years.

No, I haven't been cursed.

[CHUCKLES] That's ridiculous.

She just she wouldn't

take no for an answer.

Oh, these are good for that.

[SIGHS]

She thinks that the psychic

put a curse on me,

which is ridiculous, obviously.

I totally believe in curses.

I also believe in elves.

And if you cross your eyes long

enough, they'll stay that way.

And that quicksand is everywhere.

I mean, minus the axes, it's

a really beautiful property.

Kelly, I've been looking

for you everywhere.

What are you doing here?

We're supposed to meet at Nan's house.

Rick. It's Rick.

Oh, my God. What is he doing?

[GASPS]

- Oh!

[DRONE BEEPING]

Sharon! [CRASH]

Sharon!

Been thinking about my new guy.

You can't go fishing without a pole.

And by fishing, I mean snagging a man.

And by pole, I mean me.

Hey, Barb. You look nice today.

Look, I know Joe's with Cheryl,

but there do seem to be

quite a few weird arrangements

in this town.

Maybe I should be open to one, too.

You know, the psychic

did say "unexpected."

Hey, you too.

You look great.

- Oh.

- What are you

What are you how are you?

[SIGHS] Great. Yeah.

I'm just picking up some

anti-itch cream for some boils

that started to ooze.

Oh.

- Well, got to go.

- Yeah, me too.

Told you.

Catnip.

[KNOCKING]

- [EXCLAIMS]

- Hell oh.

Hello, sir. How are you doing today?

Are you spying on me?

No. No, man.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Seriously.

We're going to look back on

this and just laugh up a storm.

OK?

We were just curious

why you have so many axes.

I have axes because I chop stuff.

Look, if we could just get

the drone back, we will be

Invading my privacy again?

Mm-mm, I don't think so,

because I am so pissed off right now

that you're not getting this back.

I am so angry that I'm making

myself more angry

thinking about being angry right now.

And I'm not supposed to get that angry.

And I got a damn stress-induced ulcer.

- [GROANS]

- OK.

I'm going to hack this

to bits just to calm down.

Great idea, but real quick

Have you ever heard of

Meditate With Mickey?

It's an app

[SLOWLY, SMOOTHLY] For relaxation.

You know, the strangest thing happened

when I was out picking up

your anti-itch cream.

I think Barb Flatch was hitting on me.

Must be the puka power.

Yeah, OK. Fine.

I have been cursed.

Hey. Sorry about that.

I just had to, uh, dip out

for a quick throuple thing.

The last throuple thing, actually.

Yeah, I took your advice, and

I ended it with Beth and Mick.

[POPS MOUTH]

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Well, good for you, Shrub.

Eh.

I have to say that is certainly

not what I was expecting.

[SMOOTHLY] And you're walking

by a babbling brook

in a peaceful meadow.

Some lovely birds are chirping.

A meadow mouse pops up to

say hello, and the mouse

[SMOOTHLY] And the mouse thinks

you should go on a date

with a strong, hot real estate woman.

So when Rick started yelling,

I was like, this dude's a psychopath.

Like, I don't want him

anywhere near Barb.

Friends do not let friends

date psychopaths.

But then he sort of committed

to working on himself,

and Barb loves a project.

That girl always has her

glue sticks out, you know?

If anyone can fix him, it's Barb.

So yeah. I'm back on Rick for Barb.

I think it could be great. You know?

But he's on really thin ice.

And find something to focus on,

bringing your attention

back to the room.

And that concludes today's session

of Meditate With Mickey.

Namaste.

I accept.

Uh, you accept what?

Your offer.

With a strong hot woman

in real estate, right?

Oh. Uh

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

How many pounds of

frozen meat can you lift?

[IMITATES CRACKING] [SCREAMS, GASPS]

That was Rick falling through the ice,

though I can't blame him

for catching feelings.

Mandy! You're right.

I was cursed, and now the

curse is coming for Joe and I.

What do we do?

We go confront that psychic.

Son of a witch gave it to you.

That means he can reverse it.

- Yes!

- Yeah.

Oh. Mm. Are those oven mitts?

Oh, yeah.

They help me stop itching, the hives.

Also, can you drive?

I had real trouble shifting

on the way out here.

I got you. I know. It's yeah.

I got you. Don't worry.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

♪

- To the unexpected.

- Oh.

Those are really pretty.

- You are drinking a Barbarita.

- Mm.

[CHUCKLES] Like how that tastes?

Uh-huh.

It is way better than

my nan's Banananana colada.

Here.

Let me. Let me help you.

♪

I used to work summers for the

neighbor, who was a handyman.

He taught me all of his secrets.

[BOTH GRUNTING, GASPING]

Close your mouth some.

Come here. Come here.

[MOANING] Oh.

[DOOR SLAMS] [CRASH]

[FABRIC RIPS] Oh!

OK, you got to pull hard.

I couldn't get the tail off either.

Well, I didn't get back on the horse,

but I got back on the back of the horse.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

And it was intense. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Shrub is surprisingly

good at taking direction.

[EXCLAIMS] I lost my virginity

three and a half times!

Yeah, turns out there is

a ton of stuff you can do,

and it all counts as sex.

Um

Lots of twists and turns, though.

Few red herrings.

- OK. Bye, Rick.

- Wait, wait, wait, hey.

- Bye.

- Please.

Please take some soup.

- Oh. Thank you.

- Thank you.

And, Kelly, let me know

if you ever change your mind.

- Sweetheart.

- Bye.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Thank you.

- Yeah. Go, go, go.

- Uh, he kills his own meat?

I don't know, but I don't

think we should eat this soup.

OK.

[WHISPERS] Hey, dude.

Look, look, look, look.

- [GASPS] Sharon Drone!

- Shh!

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I did that.

Spy.

You need to remove the curse that you

put on me right now or else.

Or else you'll bake me a pie?

All right. That's enough.

No one makes fun of my weird friends.

Yeah!

I got one word for you Chapstick.

Two words, lickin' Chapstick.

You, drugstore. Seen it, filmed it.

That's a bunch of two words.

Scared?

Wonder what would happen to

your business if that got out.

You know what?

Let me get that curse removal

done on the house.

- Got you, babe.

- Give me your mitts.

Say goodbye to the puks, babe.

Yup. That's the past.

I can't be going around town

breaking girls hearts.

Besides, Cheryl's my only lady.

Maybe we keep them out.

Just for tonight.

I knew that psychic was bunk. OK?

Literally nothing that

scared me all day long.

Even went to the psycho hermit's house.

And like, between us, I'm like

5% sure that dude is a m*rder*r.

[DRONE BEEPS] Guess I'm unscareable.

Let's do this.

If I know Barb,

she loves a window detail.

[DRONE BUZZING]

[DOG HOWLS]

[SCREAMS]

[DRONE BEEPING] [CRASH]

Sharon Drone!

[SOBS]