02x04 - Open House

[bunniefuu]

Hey, back it up. No peck.

I got him. I got him. It's okay.

They can't hurt you anymore.

No peck!

Oh, I'm still enjoying my chickens,

but they are not enjoying each other.

For some reason, they've all decided

to g*ng up on Emily Chickenson.

Yeah, I hate fighting.

Of all kinds, not just chicken fights.

Anywho, Emily has moved

into the house for her own safety.

But since Shrub has moved in,

it's quite crowded.

Help!

Although if you're going

to choose a roommate,

Emily is by far the most

civilized of the flock.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ON TV]

Ew. She's looking at me.

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Tag team lift!

Got it.

Small size does not mean a light load.

Okay. Tomorrow, we raise

the curtain for Barb's second act.

The first-ever listing

from Just Barb's Realty

officially hits the market.

I slapped some paint on her and

put some choice furniture in there.

You know, I pumped her up. [LAUGHS]

This first listing is a biggie

because it'll give us an idea

of how things are gonna sell

over this next year,

which is how long I have the

lease on my office and rental house.

So it has to sell.

And if there's one thing I know

about an open house,

it brings out the gals faster

than a half-price frosé

at Swampy Margaret's.

[LAUGHS]

So, you know, since I'm back

in Flatch now,

I'm in desperate need

for some girlfriends.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BIKE BELL CHIMES]

Oh, good morning.

Who's this beautiful young lady?

It's me, June.

How can I help you, June?

I'm looking for a little advice.

Is Mandy coming in?

Not yet, but I'm here.

That's okay. I'll wait.

I've got my crossword.

Yeah, a lot of people have been

coming to me for advice instead of Joe.

He's been busy with Cheryl

and his beer-making.

But honestly,

I think it's because

they respect my methods.

I need you to take that pillow,

and I need you to hit Charlie

as hard as you can with it.

Oh, but I don't want to hit him.

I love him.

And that's exactly

why you have to do it.

In some circles, they may

be called "alternative."

But they get results.

Yes. He made you pay for the first date.

She won't let you go

to bocce ball night.

He wears a belt with gym shorts.

It's wrong.

Okay, now stop.

[BOTH PANTING]

Kiss.

Mandy, what the heck is going on here?

I've been waiting in my office

for the Gibsons

for their counseling sesh.

They're at their session.

It's just with me today.

[EXHALES SHARPLY, CHUCKLES]

I gotta be honest, I am ticked.

I know you've been expanding your role

at the church here, and I support that,

but you can't just take over

my counseling sessions

and have my parishioners beat

the crap out of each other.

I mean, are you even trained

for this sort of thing?

Look, my results speak for themselves.

Are you trained?

[SCOFFS] Am I trained? Yeah.

I took an online course for a week.

Look, I even have a diploma.

That's a coupon for a free car wash.

Oh, sorry. That's the back.

And you know it's important to me

'cause I haven't even used the coupon.

Look, these people are seeking me out.

And I feel it's my duty to help.

Well, yeah,

but I also like helping people.

Maybe next time, get me in my office.

I have pillows too.

Nah. Yours got buttons on 'em.

Could blind somebody.

But yeah, all right.

I'll holler at you next time.

So exciting news.

Um, Beth and I are a thing again.

Yeah, that's right. Shreth/Brub is back.

After she joined me on my

driving lesson, I got the feeling

that she might want

to get back together.

And I talked to her about it,

and she totally did.

Apparently, she also still has

feelings for Mickey.

So we developed a system

to where she can date both of us,

but, like, extremely separately.

Yeah, I mean, basically

we're a throuple now.

Or as Mickey likes

to call us, "Brubickey,"

which is a combination

of all of our names together,

and the sound of it

actually makes me want to hurl.

So this week, Shrub gets Wednesday,

Thursday, and Saturday.

And Mickey gets Monday,

Tuesday, and Friday.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Absolutely not.

Wednesday is wing night

at McGirk's, babe.

And I have to spend that whole

day stretching my stomach.

Well, babe, I run a youth program

at the local high school on Wednesdays,

and this week is baking,

the original mad science.

But I'm happy to sacrifice that

for my love.

- Oh, that's so sweet, Mickey.

- No, no.

I will take Wednesday.

I'll be the bigger man, and I will

romantically sacrifice 10¢ wings.

It's actually going kind of well.

Yeah, I mean, it's definitely

better than no Beth. I'll tell you that.

That's been my motto

for, like, 11 years.

But I have a k*ller day

planned for us on Saturday,

something Mickey could

literally never deliver.

And no hints except that

it's gonna be dope.

And the no Mickey part

that I mentioned before.

- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

- Let's sell a house!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, look at you in that wig.

Where should I put my weenies?

Um your what, now?

You told me you wanted it to be homey,

so I cooked up some little smokies.

What I meant by "homey"

was more along the lines

of candles, a fresh welcome mat,

a wreath on the front door,

fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

And by "fresh-baked," I mean

I took them out of the bag

and I heated them up.

It's what we call

a modern woman having it all.

Oh, my God,

I forgot about the best part.

Walkie-talkies.

- No, Kel-coms.

- Oh.

Okay? This way, we can communicate

when we're in totally different

parts of the house.

Check it.

Agent Barb, this is Agent Kelly.

I get what you were doing there.

You were saying "agent"

because we're real estate agents.

You make me better.

Okay, how do we want to divvy this up?

Do you want me to be

the greeter who comes in

with the hook, or the closer who's ready

for those offers to fly in?

I have a really important job

for you in mind.

I'm ready for anything. Over.

[WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS]

But you have to take off that wig.

I want you to clean up

and host the outdoor space.

I know it needs a face lift,

but I have faith

that you can pump it up.

Agent Barb. [FEEDBACK WHINES]

Mission accepted. Over.

[WALKIE-TALKIE WHINES, BEEPS]

[RELAXING TROPICAL MUSIC]

♪

So Barb actually trusted me

with the backyard,

which is technically more

square footage than the house.

So, I mean, yeah,

it might even be a bigger job

than being inside the actual house.

Pretty good shape, huh?

I gave it what we like to call

a "lawn-icure."

I mean, it's amazing.

Look, I also found all this stuff.

Brooms. Vintage rakes.

Vintage golf ba*ls.

Vintage little sticks.

Life hack, calling something "vintage"

makes it way cooler than saying "old."

- How much for the old bottles?

- They're not for sale!

Not they are for sale.

$5.

Okay.

[LAUGHS] Can't wait

to fill these with teeth.

[LAUGHS, BLOWS ON BOTTLE]

Everybody, there is now

also an estate sale

happening at the shed!

Come check it out. Vintage items.

Vintage. Unique.

Things you've never seen before.

Hi. Beautiful eyes.

She was wearing

a water bra the whole time.

- [LAUGHS]

- I know!

I go to pull the dart out

thinking I'm gonna see blood,

and I get sprayed all over my face.

I'm like, "Bartender,

I need to close out."

- [LAUGHS]

- I'm gonna pee. I'm gonna pee.

I'm gonna pee. Barb.

You have a story for everything.

- I mean

- Seriously.

I thought I had heard

every story about darts,

but nope, you have another one.

Operation Gal Pal

is starting off strong.

Nadine's already a bona fide Barbarian,

so this is basically a layup.

[LAUGHS]

Really have your work cut out for you

selling this house.

I mean, Shrub's nan had awful taste.

Look at that grotesque pink wall.

Like, what was she thinking?

[RETCHES] [BOTH LAUGH]

- It's so gross.

- Yeah.

Okay, so first of all,

that's called flamingo.

And second, if you don't

have anything nice to say,

just keep your mouth shut.

I mean, you'll notice I haven't

made a peep about your hair.

Right?

Never meet your heroes, b*tch.

Oh, milady.

That's right.

My big date with Beth

is at the open house,

which has all the ingredients

for a perfect date.

Milady.

Bumping location, check.

Delicious food

at an affordable price, check.

Also, VIP status,

which, uh, I used to frickin' live here.

What's more VIP than that?

Nothing.

Also, I know where all

the best spider webs are.

I love spider webs.

Thank you for coming.

- Hi.

- Cheryl.

Pretty basic for a gal pal,

but I could work with that.

Hell, I used to flip

motor homes in the Everglades.

- Hello.

- Cheryl, hello.

Oh. No, no, no. [CHICKEN CLUCKING]

No livestock in the house.

- Take that back to the yard.

- Oh.

[YELPING] Okay.

She's a little shy at first.

Yeah, me too. Nope.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I can't leave Emily Chickenson

home alone unsupervised.

I do have everything

she might need, though.

Seed if she gets hungry,

wipes if she makes a mess,

and my spray bottle

in case anyone brings

a chicken she doesn't get along with.

I'm just kidding. [LAUGHS]

I mean, but technically I am prepared

for that situation.

Want a cookie?

I guess it's 5:00 somewhere.

- Mm.

- Oh, here, I guess.

- And this is the living room.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

No, move out of the wa

What are you doing?

Thank you for coming!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Get out!

Hi! Welcome to the outer open house.

Please wipe your feet.

My apologies, but just

We gotta keep it clean.

- Okay. All right.

- Thank you.

Can I offer you a little smoky?

Or perhaps you want to buy a yo-yo

that is only missing the string.

Kelly, this This looks really good.

Thank you.

I never doubted me.

Listen, your weird cousin,

Shrub, is inside

acting like he owns the place,

and it's k*lling sales.

And he's eaten, like, 20 cookies

when the sign clearly says

limit 10 per person.

And I am not going

into my Chips Ahoy stash.

We can't have you doing that. Okay.

Why didn't you tell me this

over the Kel-com?

Are you too vintage

to know how to use it?

You're perfect. Forget I said that.

Okay? I got it. I'm on it. Heard.

[GRUNTING] Got it.

Literally look at this.

Literally filled with treasures.

What do we got? What do we got?

We got a paper airplane.

Still flies.

Foreign money.

Literally worth maybe thousands,

millions at this point.

I have a holographic Pokémon card,

which is literally priceless

at this point.

Don't don't want to rip it.

But yeah, good luck finding it, robbers.

- Right?

- That's so cool.

- I know.

- Yeah.

- This is

- You know what else is cool?

Hey! Unreal. No. Come on.

- Oh, my

- Outside, now. Shoes on, now.

Beth, I said now!

Hey, you don't have to be mean!

Really?

You do have to be mean about it.

Shrub's had to adapt to

crappy situations his entire life.

So the key to get him to do anything is,

you yell at him

till he does it, you know?

And then once he does,

his adaptability kicks right in

and it convinces himself

the situation's fine.

This is actually better.

I mean, the people, the fresh air,

ah, and most importantly, the shed.

You remember Bra Day?

That shed is where I touched

Abby Taylor's bra.

Yeah. It happened.

Uh that's not to say I'm gonna

touch Beth's bra today.

I'm a gentleman, but

historically, that shed

has been very good to me.

Emily, don't be stubborn.

Drink your water. It's good for you.

Come on, drink it.

Babe, look.

Kelly says I can have this for a dollar.

Babe, you have two shovels

that look identical to that.

I know. It's exactly my taste.

Dude, no. No. No, no, no.

You cannot be the lady

with a chicken on a leash.

Excuse me?

Your chicken on a leash.

Don't be that lady. You look insane.

Now hold on, Mandy.

I know you got your own

counseling style, but

You won a regional journalism award.

Get it together.

That was harsh.

No.

I think I needed that.

You definitely did!

Who's Dicky Deeznuts?

Oh, dude, that's just, like,

a hilarious name.

Like, imagine if someone's name

was actually Dicky Deeznuts.

- That is hilarious.

- Right?

And let me show you the shed, shall we?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ocupado, dude.

Get your own shed.

Mr. Gallant, they are

not included in the shed,

unless you we could

figure something out.

No. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. No.

You're k*lling the mojo.

I have to sell the property,

which the shed is part of.

Okay, well, I'm kind of

trying to get my bra on.

You know, Mr. Gallant

Okay, guess what.

Pretend they're not even here.

Let's do an exercise.

Pretend they're not here

and look around.

- This could be yours.

- Ooh.

- I hear familiar voices.

- No, no.

- Scoochie.

- What?

Oh. What's throup, my dudes?

No, no, dude.

You cannot be here right now, dude.

This is my day.

It's an open house, bro.

- Dude, don't play that game.

- Hi, Mickey.

- Hey.

- Everyone needs to leave!

- Get out.

- Great.

- Get out.

- Great!

See what you did, Mickey?

I hope you're hap hey!

God!

Deeznuts!

This is also for sale.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Laughter, the gal pal mating call.

[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]

Oh, I love to laugh.

Mm.

Well, Operation Gal Pal is

a steaming pile of [BLEEP].

Kelly, come in. [WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS]

Kelly-Kelly, Barb-Barb?

That was just a test to make sure

you were still working really hard.

And you passed

'cause you're still working.

Good job.

This is Barb.

[WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS]

Dude, you are so selfish, Mickey!

I mean, can't you tell

you're tearing her apart?

Hey! Don't you yell at him.

He's a diagnosed hypersensitive person.

Thank you, Grandma.

Why don't you stay out of this, Leotha?

'Cause I know

where your flower beds are.

Young man, you come for my peonies,

you come for me, okay?

Beth, you shouldn't be

standing here with your soft bones.

- Let me get you a chair.

- No, no.

It's my day, dude.

I will get the chair for her soft bones.

- I got the chair.

- I got it.

- I got it.

- Beautiful blue chair.

Throne for the princess. There we go.

Do not call her princess

on my day, dude!

Boys, boys. Let's just calm down.

I got this.

No!

I got this.

Shrub, Mickey, I'm gonna

give you some advice.

What you two need to do is Is

Fight.

Yeah. You gotta fight it out.

- Get it out of your system.

- Yeah.

- Um, Joe

- No.

I'm serious.

Well, you know, Flatch does have

a history of classic duels.

Why not add ours to the list?

Oh, you are so dead.

Huzzah.

This

is gonna bring

so many people to the yard.

Let's do it.

[CROWD CHATTERS] [DOOR SLAMS]

What the hell is going on?

Why is no one inside the open house?

Fight!

Scrawny one versus other

scrawny one for Beth's heart.

My money's on other scrawny one,

but I need odds.

This isn't a real fight, is it?

No.

[SCREAMS] [CROWD GASPS]

Joe, do something.

Okay, fellas, I was thinking

more like a pillow fight.

- Does anyone have any pillows?

- No. I sold them all.

Hey, look at me. Look at me. Okay?

Ignore the head, hit the body.

You don't chop a tree down

by the top, do you?

- No. Low, low, low, low, low.

- Bow, bow, bow, bow!

- Come here. Get in there.

- [GROWLS]

Battle royal!

Who do I want to win?

I just want to see a good fight.

Also blood.

- [GROWLS]

- Shrub!

You got this, sweetie! Bob and weave.

- Thank you.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Bob and weave.

Shrub, you're gonna

want to hit the other guy.

Okay? Hit the other guy!

- [GROWLS]

- No!

[SCREAMS]

No! No fighting!

Oh, God! I'm blind!

It's tap water.

Still. You hit me right in the cornea.

Thank you, Cheryl.

'Cause I needed

that cool, refreshing mist

to knock some sense into me.

Sorry, everyone.

I don't want to fight. [CROWD GROANS]

- No, it's okay. It's okay.

- Good. No, that's good.

I was temporarily blinded

by love-borne jealousy.

As I'm sure you all have guessed,

Shrub, Beth, and I have

entered into a throuple.

[CROWD GASPS]

- Wait, what?

- Mm-hmm.

- Dude! Do not tell them that.

- It's okay. It's okay.

- What's a throuple?

- Let's get it all out.

- Yeah, the three of us.

- Okay.

Today was Shrub's day,

and I need to respect that.

Because when one throuple member hurts,

we all hurt.

- We do.

- It's true.

Shrub, the open house is all yours.

Namaste.

- Baby.

- Victory!

Pathetic.

- Put your shirt on, Shrub.

- I will.

- It's obviously over.

- I got it.

Okay, you guys,

there's a couple rakes left.

How about that? [CHUCKLES]

Weird kid's kind of sexy.

If I had a gal pal, I wouldn't

have to tell you that.

I know Shrub and Mickey.

Those two were never

actually gonna fight.

Not on this planet.

But I knew that bringing them

to the brink of a fight

would cause them

to talk out their issues.

But what if I didn't

come in with the water?

I knew that was gonna happen too.

It's all in the training.

So we did not sell the house.

But that's okay. We will.

We just, you know, gotta adjust

to the market.

There's not as much money or gal pals

flying around here in Flatch

like there was in the Palm.

But, you know, it's all right.

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

It's all part of the process.

- I sold the shed!

- What?

I sold the shed. Out back.

The shed. I sold all of it.

- You're joking.

- I sold the entire thing.

Oh, my God. That counts!

That's our first sale!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

What is that smell?

Oh, uh, Cheryl's chicken attacked me

while I was eating a weenie,

and it pooped on my shoe.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is a lot.

- There is still some.

- Oh.

I bought a shed. [LAUGHS]

I'm gonna move it to our back yard

and use it to separate

the bully chickens

from Emily Chickenson.

And then we don't need a leash.

What do you think of that plan?

[CHICKEN CLUCKS]

Yeah, she loves it.

Kelly drives a hard bargain, though.

What a rush.

I mean, did you see me

giving Cheryl the hard sell?

[EXHALES] I almost felt bad for her.

But you know what Barb said.

Never apologize

for being good at the game.

Which means I'm good at the game.

I didn't find a gal pal today.

But Kelly and I had a moment,

and she's a gal.

So that's a start.

You about done out there, Agent Kelly?

Kelly?

You have to say "over."

And yes, all wrapped up. Over.

Okay. You did a great job today.

You have to say "over"!

Can you believe this? $600.

You know what they say. You

gotta spend money to make money.

So I know exactly

what I'm doing with this.

- We bought a boat, b*tches!

- Ay!

If I'd have known we could've

gotten a boat out of this,

I would have told Nan

to sell that shed years ago.

I mean, yeah.

It doesn't float, yet, but it's fine

'cause I don't even know how

to drive a boat yet, you know?

[HORN HONKING]

- Shrub! Working horn!

- Whoa!

[HORN HONKS]

[BOTH SINGING "TITANIC" THEME]