02x07 - Weapon of Mass Distraction

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[growls]

♪ Do-do-do ♪

♪ My daughter loves me ♪

♪ I am the best dad ever ♪

♪ Best dad in Hell, yeah ♪

♪ Best dad ever ♪

♪ Amazing-mazing dad, uh ♪

♪ Every day's Father's Day
with me, yeah ♪

Charlie? Charlie?

Your father has arrived.

[chuckles]

Ready to give you a...

just a big ol' a-papa-pology. [chuckles]

I am so sorry, Charlie.
Please don't give up on me.

Ooh!

Is that... Is this for me, honey?

You, uh, you want your ol' padre

to kick it right here or somethin'?

Can do.

I can kick it!

[chuckles] You know?

The whole serial k*ller aesthetic
is new, but, uh,

you know, whatever you're into.

Got to follow those dreams, right?

Uh-huh.

-[buzzing]
-Oh!

Um, okay. All right.

Mm-hmm. Uh...

Okay.

Uh... [grunting]

Uh... [laughs nervously]

You got me, Charlie. You-you...

[chuckles] I know.
Is this one of those pranks?

Are you pranking me right now?
That's so fun!

[chuckles in Charlie's voice] Sorry, Dad.

This isn't a prank.

[normal voice] It's a takeover.

Hey. Wait, you're...

You're not Charlie.

Ha-ha. Real cute.

Very amusing.

Tell you what, let me go now
and I won't smite you and...

Wait. Red guy?

Lucifer. Lou! Lucy.

Come on, buddy,
we're past all that, remember?

We both know you can't harm sinners.

Uh-huh. Explains the showboating.

Let me guess...
uh, the bellhop told you that one.

Host! And, no, it seems he figured it out
because you're sloppy with your secrets.

Sloppy? Oh, when I get out of here,

I will show you sloppy, you... [growls]

Hey! Could you both shut up? Please?

This is my moment. [laughs]

I own you!

I own the Radio Demon!

I own Hell!

And there's nothing
anyone can do about it.

[cackling]

Yeah, okay. Whatever gets you off, guy.

Not to kink-shame,
but, you know, I am married.

Still. I think.

Oof, that's kind of snug.

[chuckles, grunts]

You like it?

It's angelic metal
from my new friend Carmilla Carmine.

Yeah. Nice name drop.

I have no idea who that is.

Well, you see, she is...

Yeah, nobody cares, man!

Look, uh, I don't know
what you're planning,

but it won't work, okay?

You're garbage. That's why you're in Hell.

You were a failure in life,
and you're a failure now. Okay?

Oh, Lucifer, you should be
much more worried than that.

Ha! Why?

It's not like there's anything
you can do to k*ll me.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

[dramatic music playing]

Failure.

I'll show you failure.

That's it for today. And, remember,

trust us with your weather!

-[♪ "Brighter"]
-♪ Rome wasn't built in a day ♪

♪ You got to climb a little higher ♪

♪ to the top of the display ♪

♪ Where there's a will, there's a way ♪

♪ You just got to slit a throat or two ♪

♪ to make the weak obey ♪

-Today we mourn the loss of one of our own.
-[crying]

But our commitment to the truth
is as strong as ever.

Remember, trust us with your news.

♪ If you want it, just take it ♪

♪ The world's yours, don't waste it ♪

♪ Go make the stars align to shine ♪

♪ brighter, brighter than the heavens
in the skies above ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

-♪ You'll be brighter ♪
-[yells]

♪ Going supernova, all the eyes look up ♪

♪ at you, at you, brighter ♪

And a big thank you to my producers
for giving me this chance.

I know I have some mighty big shoes
to fill, but, I promise,

you can trust me with your entertainment.

♪ It's not a shot in the dark ♪

♪ Not up to chance if you've got plans ♪

♪ You'll cancel every question mark ♪

♪ Fish like to swim next to sharks ♪

♪ Yeah, you eat or you get eaten ♪

♪ and you're feasting on their hearts ♪

They're calling me a god, Bob!

You got to strike while the iron's hot.

Leave the channel to me.

I'll bring in more new blood
than you'll know what to do with. Come on!

Trust me with your network.

♪ Shine brighter ♪

♪ Brighter than the heavens
in the skies above ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
-♪ You'll be brighter ♪

♪ Going supernova, all the eyes look up ♪

♪ at you, at you, brighter ♪

The other studios want to feed you
the same old crap everyone's seen before.

You want newer, you want bigger,

-you want brighter!
-♪ Brighter! ♪

I will be your voice, and we will redefine
what it means to rule the airwaves.

Trust me, and your future

-will be brighter!
-♪ Brighter! ♪

Now who's ready to be baptized
into a new era of entertainment?!

♪ Brighter! ♪

[shrieking]

♪ Finally I'll show them
what I'm meant to be ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Brighter ♪

♪ They won't believe their eyes
when I bring them to their knees ♪

♪ to worship me ♪

♪ Brighter ♪

[electricity cracks]

[Charlie] Where are you, Dad?

[sighs] Dad, where are you?

-Come on. Pick up.
-[beep]

[groans] Where could he be?

He never ignores my calls.

Mm. You did kind of let him have it
the last time you spoke.

I know. And I feel awful.

Look, look. I apologized 14 times,
and I sent a whole flock of duck emojis.

Let me just try him one more
time. I think... [gasps] - [TV beeps]

-[Vaggie] What the f*ck?
-[announcer] Stand by

for an emergency Voxtek announcement.

Do you guys know what this is about?

[Angel Dust] Demons of Hell,

I am famous porn star Angel Dust.

You may know me from such films
as Step Brother Gets Stuck in a Hula Hoop.

But what you may not know is that I was
the first guest at the Hazbin Hotel.

And I am here to tell you

that the hotel is a joke.

The princess wants you to believe
that peace is an option.

But take it from someone
who already fought the angels once...

the only way we can save ourselves
is by fighting back.

-[cheering]
-And the only way to fight back

is by following the Vees.

Thank you, Angel.

It's great to have you with us.

Why would he say that?

Angel?

My fellow demons,

we find ourselves at the turn of the tide.

In the years following Lilith's uprising,

we have found ourselves at the mercy
of the armies of Heaven.

For years, we have stood by,

watching our brothers and sisters
die the eternal death,

thinking there was nothing
we could do to stop it.

The one good thing
Morning star's little hotel did

was show us
that we could defend ourselves.

[cheering]

But now, thanks to us, the Vees,

you no longer have to live in fear.

Because now, thanks to me,

we finally have a weapon
that can take the fight to them

-and complete the mission...
-[gasping]

our dear queen began
almost a decade ago.

I present to you

the Might of Lilith!

Wait, that's what it looks like?

Ew. I don't like it.

[groans] Come on.

What the hell?

-The hell is that?
-[Husk whispers] Those m*therf*ckers.

Ooh, so big.

Fascinating.

Oh, f*ck.

We're too late.

Should we see if the neighbors are home?

-[cheering]
-Knock, knock!

[cackling]

Can the angels come out to play?

-[sighs, groaning]
-[powering up]

Ooh. [laughs]

That tickles. That's...

Oh, that's a bad tickle.

Oh, that's a bad tickle!

Bad tickle! Oh!

[dramatic music playing]

[screaming, gasping]

[overlapping shouting]

This was supposed to be the good place!

Wha?

What's happening?!

♪♪

[expl*sive rumbling]

[bell tolls]

[Vox/Valentino/Velvette] Holy sh*t.

[all] Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

[cackling]

Hey there, Heaven.

It's about time we had a little chat.

As you can see, we've been a bit busy
down here since your last visit.

You know, we've been hearing for so long

about how the grass is greener
on your side of the fence that we thought

maybe we should come over
and see for ourselves.

And, heck, if we like it enough,

we might just decide to stay.

Now, you might have some silly ideas
about fighting us off,

but, don't forget, there are a lot more
of us than there are of you.

So guess what, Seraphim,

you have 24 hours to surrender
the Kingdom of Heaven to me,

or you'll have a front row seat
to the next extermination.

-Extermination?
-Oh! We're going to die! [crying]

What-What's he talking about?

-Run! Where do we run?
-Extermination?

[gasping, panicked chatter]

What's he talking about, extermination?

[panicked chatter continues]

-Sera. Sera, please help us.
-[overlapping chatter]

-What are we going to do? Make a decision.
-What's the plan? What's the plan?

[screeching]

Welp, we're f*cked.

There's no way they don't k*ll us all now.

-[hyperventilating]
-Charlie?

[Cherri] What do we do?

Get ready to fight?

No. We only fought them before
because they came for us.

This time, we hunker down
and we wait this out.

Uh, I-I can't remember how to breathe.

-Is she gonna be all right?
-[panting]

She'll be fine.
Let's get this place secured. Go on.

Come on, baby. Let's get inside.

-[Lute] You need to give the order, Sera.
-[Emily] Sera, you have to let me talk

-to Charlie...
-It's time for our troops to go down there

-and wipe them all out for good.
-[Abel] Oh, my stars. This is so beyond my pay grade...

-Leave no soul standing in all of Hell.
-[overlapping shouting]

How do you expect me
to handle an actual apocalypse?

-I-I haven't even been trained...
-It's not right! Lute, you can't be serious.

-These are people, human souls...
-The threat Adam warned you about is greater than ever,

and we have a duty
to the people of Heaven.

-You need to make this decision now!
-We need to appeal to their better selves.

[overlapping shouting]

[Abel] Who am I kidding?
They're all perfect!

-Enough!
-[chatter stops]

[exhales]

I...

I must pray on this.

You're infecting your sister
with your weakness.

The answer here is clear.

How can you even say that?

This is Heaven.
We need to be the good guys.

You know what?
I think you both make some good points.

-No, she doesn't!
-No, she doesn't!

[somber music playing]

Sera?

Are you... all right?

Pentious, you aren't allowed back here.

Who let you through?

Well, I'm quite stealthy and,
well, everybody's busy screaming.

You look distressed.

Is there any way I can be of assistance?

[wry chuckle] Be of assistance?

To a Seraphim?

Do you have any idea
the weight of my position,

what I need to do,
the souls I hold in my hands?

Do you even grasp what I truly am?

Someone who could maybe use
a friend to talk to?

Perhaps you're right.

Pentious,

it's my duty to enforce
the judgment of Heaven,

to nurture and protect those
that deserve it,

to preserve the separation
between the righteous and the wicked.

There was never supposed to be any doubt
in who was deserving or not.

And now you're here.

Demons are at the gates, and everyone
is looking to me to know what to do.

But how can I?

How can I know who to judge
when so many that might have been saved

have been slain because of me?

How can you even explain humans having
enough innate goodness to be redeemed

while they take part
in actions as vile as this?

They're scared.

What?

[♪ "Live to Live"]

♪ Humans are afraid ♪

♪ all of us, all the time ♪

♪ Mortality's a blade ♪

♪ swinging with no reason ♪

♪ no rhyme ♪

♪ When you're that scared ♪

♪ teeth are that bared ♪

♪ ready to say anything,
do any sin to any man ♪

♪ just so you can live
to see a ray of sunshine ♪

♪ through the haze of the morning ether ♪

♪ Live to fail a million times ♪

♪ until you finally yell "Eureka!" ♪

♪ Praying you'll find a way,
make it another day ♪

♪ see your dreams through ♪

♪ Some would k*ll to live to ♪

♪ live again tomorrow ♪

♪ In the battle with Adam,
you feared your death ♪

-Yes.
-♪ But fear didn't drive you ♪

♪ to wickedness ♪

♪ You were brave ♪

♪ You sacrificed yourself
to save another's life ♪

♪ Something had changed in you ♪

♪ deep within ♪

♪ How does a guilty soul shed their sin? ♪

♪ It starts with "sorry" ♪

♪ Though it cannot just end there ♪

♪ I learned from Charlie ♪

♪ First, you must prove you care ♪

♪ Mistakes are innate
to being human and alive ♪

♪ We fall, we repent, we survive ♪

♪ There's hope for us all as we strive ♪

-♪ To live to earn my own redemption ♪
-♪ It starts with "sorry" ♪

♪ Lead the realms to a better new day ♪

-♪ Live to end the cosmic tension ♪
-♪ It starts with Charlie ♪

♪ Pursue a peace before it's too late ♪

♪ If it prevents the fight,
then I must make things right ♪

♪ That's what I'll do,
so no one kills to ♪

♪ live to... ♪

♪ live again tomorrow ♪

[ominous music playing]

You didn't tell me it was gonna blast the
gates straight off its bleedin' hinges.

Well, what can I say?

I like a little extra razzmatazz
in my reveals.

Next time, warn me.

I could have had 20 versions
of #pearlygate trending Pentagram-wide

if you'd given
more than ten seconds of lead time.

We still need more people's support

-to take on Heaven.
-Don't worry about that.

What I want you focused on is getting
a little soiree planned for tomorrow.

I want all the overlords there
to witness my moment of triumph.

Don't you mean "our moment"?

Of course.

And make sure Val's there.

Val's still pretty pissed at you.

Well, I guess

that's just tough f*cking sh*t, isn't it?!

Tell him I expect him there early
and wearing something nice.

We need to have a united front
against Heaven.

Whatever you say, Vox.

She's right, you know.

Oh, yeah? About what?

Do you really think you're powerful enough
to take on all of Heaven?

Sweetheart, you haven't even proven
that you're the strongest in Hell.

Why do you think
so many have yet to fall in line?

I was strong enough to beat you, wasn't I?

Only with the help of your little friends.

I captured Lucifer.

Using information you got
from a borrowed spy.

I punched a hole in Heaven!

With a device invented
and developed by Carmilla Carmine.

I must say,

the way you've been begging
for help all around Hell,

it's pathetic.

You couldn't even get Charlie
to admit you bested her.

Oh, I can change that.

How?

Inviting her to your little party?

Cute, but she'd never come.

And even if she did, there's nothing
you could do to break that girl's spirit.

You have no idea what I'm capable of.

Just watch, Alastor.

I'll get her here, on camera,

in front of all of Hell, bowing before me.

Just imagine it. [chuckles]

A member of the royal family endorsing me
as I finish what her mother started.

You can't write
a more inspiring story than that.

[laughs]

What a fantasy!

She'll never admit to Hell she was wrong.

It's what makes her
so entertaining to watch.

But, hey, test your luck
with Heaven if you want.

When you're dead, I'll be free again.

We'll see.

[cackling]

[sighs] He is too easy.

[Sera] I have made my choice.

-Lute.
-Yes, Seraphim.

[Sera] We have less than a day
before the forces of Hell attack.

I have no choice.

Prepare the troops.

It will be my pleasure.

Oh, God! [whimpers]
I'm not ready for this!

Sera, please, no!

And tell them to stand by.

Emily, you will have the remainder of our
time to try and resolve things peacefully.

-Really?
-What?!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm done letting fear guide my decisions.

You are the one that has always
held out hope for Charlie and her ways.

Go. Share some of that hope
with the rest of Hell.

I want to believe in them.

But I know I believe in you.

[Emily] Thank you, Sera.

Move all that over there.

Let's make sure everything's secure.
Upstairs and downstairs.

Let's get a move on.
Let's go, go, go, go, go.

This place has to survive a w*r.
Let's go, let's go.

Don't weld that, you little sh*t.

Angel's still out there.

We need to go get him.
He's right in the middle of what's coming.

There is not enough time
to mount a successful rescue operation

and prepare the hotel's defenses.

Logic dictates we need
to take care of those of us still here.

-[line ringing]
-Ugh, come on, Mom. Come on.

-[dialing]
-[panting]

-Pick up the phone. Please.
-[line ringing]

[groans, panting]

-[dialing]
-Please pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone.

[buzzing]

[gasps] Mom?

[Vox] Hey there, Princess.

Been a minute since we had time to chat.

You free?

Wait, Vox?

How could you do this?

You... you absolute monster.

Whoa! [chuckling] Whoa!
No need to get hysterical.

I just wanted to invite you to
this little shindig I'm throwing tomorrow.

You know, before the whole
"hostile takeover of Heaven" thing.

Look, I know you and I
haven't always seen eye to eye.

But at the end of the day, we're working
towards the same thing, you know?

A better future for the people of Hell.

Your dad was resistant at first,

but he'll be there.

So why don't you come join us so we can...

bury the hatchet?

Dad? What did you do to him?

I'll take that as a yes!

There'll be a piece of cake
with your name on it.

-Toodles.
-[fingers snap]

I don't know what he's up to,
but you're not just walking into V Tower.

I don't know what else to do.

I know he will never listen.

But if there's even a one percent chance
of stopping what's coming,

it'll be at that party.

I mean, it's not like any other solutions
are falling out of the sky.

[Emily] Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

[squeak]

Holy sh*t! Emily!

[gasps] Uh, wait, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine. We did it.

We finally got through to Sera.
She believes in you,

she believes in redemption, and she wants
to find a peaceful solution with Hell.

She'll help us however she can.
But first we have to get Hell

to call off their attack and-and... What?

Look, it's great that Heaven wants to help
now, but I think it might be too late.

Vox has everything he needs.

He's smeared our reputation.
He's villainized the angels completely.

He even got Angel Dust to go on TV
and call redemption a joke.

It'll take a lot more than words
at this point to convince anyone.

Seeing is believing,
as far as they're concerned.

Then we show them.

If Hell can broadcast to Heaven,
I'm sure we can do the same.

But backwards!

[Baxter] Certainly.

Voxtek has been pirating
Heaven's television channels for decades.

And some of Earth's, too.

Wait, you have?

Oh, yes. Your security is a joke.

And Vox is a bit of a cinephile.

Wait, how do you know
about the security system?

Oh, I designed the whole system.

-Really?
-Yes.

So you know how to broadcast something
to all of Hell?

-Yes.
-Are you willing to risk your job and...

life... to help us?

-Yes.
-Wh-Why?

Well, you made sure
that my blankets were always folded

at my requested 45-degree angle
to make it more tuckable to my liking.

So I assumed that made us best friends.
Isn't it obvious?

Yeah. Totally.

Then you could set up
a broadcast from Heaven?

No! [laughs]

Uh, no.

It would take someone in Heaven
with an intellect equivalent to mine to...

Invent a way to make
Heaven's completely alien technology

compatible with Hell's
in less than 24 hours.

[gasps] You want me to invent something?

-He's in!
-The snake?

[groans] He would.

Guys, it's a long shot,

but I think I know how we can finally get
Hell to believe in Charlie's dream.

It's gonna be dangerous,
and it's gonna take all of us.

-Are you in?
-Yeah!

Go, team!

Yeah! Wait.

Wait, who are you?

That's Rooster. [stammers]
He's been here the whole time.

You know what? I'll introduce you later.

-You joining us?
-f*ck no!

That is scary.

Okay!

-[♪ "When I Think About the Future"]
-♪ When I think about the future ♪

♪ I see a better place ♪

♪ where everyone can coexist safely ♪

♪ When I think about the future ♪

♪ I see my favorite face ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm with you,
the rest is all easy, baby ♪

♪ Hand in hand,
we'll make them understand our dream ♪

♪ Working as a team ♪

♪ If we plot the right maneuvers,
we'll chart a course to win ♪

♪ And blow up any c**ts
who would fight us ♪

-[laughter]
-Yeah.

♪ Wish that I had seen it sooner ♪

♪ but it's time that we begin ♪

-Stab, stab.
-♪ to prevent the w*r ♪

♪ and find a way to unite us ♪

♪ These overlords are tough,
but with our expertise ♪

♪ we can stop the Vees ♪ [cheering]

♪ Soon I'll be up there ♪

♪ the one and only true god ♪

♪ No more playing house,
once they're devout ♪

♪ I won't need a squad ♪

♪ Climb the stairway up to Heaven,
live on every TV ♪

♪ Always knew the guy
they're praying to was gonna be me ♪

-♪ Once I get up there ♪
-♪ You will f*ck it up ♪

-Just watch!
-♪ You'll never fill your cup ♪

♪ You're broken from the start,
no victory will ever be enough ♪

♪ We'll see who's smiling in the end ♪

♪ I won't even gloat ♪

♪ You can say your last "I told you so"
while I slit your throat ♪

[Vox and Alastor cackling]

♪ Val, don't be dramatic ♪

♪ He's just a man ♪

♪ He's being rude 'cause he's stressed-out
trying to do his master plan ♪

♪ Think about the future, Val ♪

♪ Don't let success break up the band ♪

♪ But as he rises higher ♪

♪ things aren't like they were before ♪

♪ And if he glows any brighter ♪

♪ will he see me anymore? ♪

♪ Vox is an as*h*le ♪

-Right?
-♪ He's being a c**t ♪

-He's being such a d*ck!
-♪ If he thinks ♪

♪ that he can cut us out, f*ck him ♪

♪ Just being blunt ♪

♪ Once we rule all creation ♪

♪ he'll pay for this little stunt ♪

♪ And maybe then he'll chill again
and realize who he missed ♪

♪ Now let's show those stuck-up pricks
in Heaven who's the baddest b*tch ♪

♪ Uh, what's going on? ♪

♪ How'd I get stuck in this scary box? ♪
[chuckles]

♪ Oh, boy, this is bad ♪

♪ Charlie's gonna be so mad ♪

♪ They're about to know
who they're dealing with ♪

♪ Every one of them, no one gets to live ♪

♪ Is my halo on? ♪

♪ I'm gonna sh*t my pants ♪

♪ What the f*ck is wrong? ♪

♪ This battle is our chance ♪

♪ Storm's coming, I'm so f*cking
scared ♪♪ S torm's coming... ♪

♪ What's gonna happen
when we go down there? ♪

♪ You don't deserve your dad's crown ♪

♪ I know there's no stopping it now ♪

♪ A hard rain is gonna fall down ♪

♪ like gravity, like gravity ♪

♪ When I think about the future ♪

♪ my mind is filled with dread ♪

♪ a screaming conscience
I cannot silence ♪

♪ And I cannot outmaneuver ♪

♪ these visions in my head ♪

♪ of the deaths to come ♪

♪ the realms drowned
in crushing violence ♪

♪ I tried to buy us time,
but could I have done more ♪

♪ to quell the drums of w*r? ♪

♪ And I try to still my heartbeat ♪

♪ for the breaking of the dawn ♪

♪ And pray the coming day's ♪

♪ not our last one ♪

[theme music playing]

[neighing]

[whip cracks]

-Bento.
-[cheering]