01x07 - I said to my dog, “How do you like my hippie shirt?”

[bunniefuu]

- Ron, calm down, man. Chill out.
- Get the f*ck away from…

sh*t!

Come on! Who wants to meet Baby?

Who wants to meet Baby? Baby's home.

Whoa, what the hell is this?

Hey, Baby's home!

You got a dog?

It's a puppy.

- Feel how soft she is.
- Okay.

- Seth.
- Going to school, Mom.

- Seth's going to school!
- Oh. Okay, honey.

- You gonna miss him?
- Love you.

- Bye, love you.
- You miss that? That's your brother!

Barb, I don't think Seth liked Baby.

Who?

This is Baby.

Uh-oh! I gotta get her outside.

I gotta get her outside.
Her bladder's full.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
what are you doing?

What are you doing? Get out of there!

- Were you in the rat box?
- What?

- Oh, crap. Did you bite this?
- Ron!

What happened? What is going on?

Baby bit the rat box. I don't know
if she bit the rat or just the poison.

Honey, why do we have a dog here?

- What… why…
- I got a little suspended from work.

- You what?
- Jeff and I got into a little conflict.

He was working us so hard, and he…

he grabbed my shoulder
and my hand pushed him.

You pushed Jeff?

He was being mean to everyone, Barb,
everybody!

Especially the women,
and some of the weaker men.

Oh, my God. f*ck, Ron! You pushed Jeff?

I talked to Jamie.
They're figuring it out.

What do you mean, they're figuring it out?

Whether I'm allowed to come back.

Whether you're allowed back?

Oh, f*ck, Ron.

You're supposed to
have my back on this, Barb.

I do have your back.
I have this whole family's back.

I've been doing everything
for Nat's wedding.

I go to all the recruiter dinners.

You've not been…
you've not been to one of those.

- Don't yell. Could you not yell?
- And I do my work.

I do my charity work.

- Charity work?
- Yes!

Are you talking about the soup kitchen?

- Baby, stop.
- Now you're being an as*h*le, okay?

I do everything for you
to make your life easier.

Please don't yell around Baby.

What do you do?
How do you help this family?

I do so much charity.

Baby, stop!
I keep everything together.

Baby. Ah! Oh, f*ck!

Barb! Where's the Bacitracin?

Last I saw it, Seth had it.

It's not in here. Of course, it's not.

- Did you find it yet?
- No. No, it vanished.

It vanished right when I need it the most.

Alright, try that.

Ow! Oh, sh…

- It hurts that bad?
- Worse than I'm doing!

I think some of
the rat poison got in there

from Barb's tooth… from Baby's tooth.

There's rat poison in the dog's tooth?

Barb, yes.

She bit the rat, then she bit my bite.

The rat poison could have come
from the rat tooth

to my bat bite, yes.

Ron, I'm sad that you think
that I'm not on your side,

because I really try to make it
so that you can do what you need to do.

And I don't even ever ask you questions.

And then you push your boss
and you lose your job.

It's not… that didn't go through,
that didn't happen yet.

You know, it's like Everpump really has
an opportunity to be a success, Ron.

- It's not gonna affect that.
- It absolutely does.

Puts so much pressure on me.

How do I fix this? What can I do?

- How do I paper over this?
- I don't know.

I don't know what even to tell you.

I guess, you know, don't mention that you
pushed your boss at the party tonight.

What party?

Alice's party is tonight.
I can't even believe you sometimes.

I can't believe you think
I would go to Alice's party

and go around and tell everybody, "Hey,

- "I pushed my boss 'cause he's…"
- I don't know what you're going to do.

I don't know what you want.

Purchasing director's office.

Hi, is Teresa Bonaventura there?

I'm sorry, the director's not in.
May I take a message?

Actually, I just…
I really need to talk to her.

Do you know when she's coming in?
I haven't seen her.

You haven't seen her?

No.

Right. Is she on the way to come?

I don't know that, doll.
I don't have a crystal ball.

No, I know. I didn't… I didn't think…

It's not crazy to ask.
I wasn't thinking about a crystal ball.

I don't think those really work.

f*ck.

Oh, sh*t.

- Hey, Natalie.
- Mom said you pushed your boss

- and now you're suspended?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just taking a little break from work.

It's not a big deal.
It's just a small break.

Did you go to City Hall yesterday?

Yes, I did.

I found hundreds of Tecca chairs.

Natalie, this is the mothership.
These are the alien eggs. We found 'em.

What? Why do they have so many?

I don't know, I'm trying to talk
to the city purchasing director.

They would've had to approve
all the purchases.

I think they gotta know something.

But they're ducking my calls,
and I definitely can't go in there now.

- Why?
- f*cking pig.

Worthless f*cking pig. Piece of sh*t.

I am gonna pull at every single thread
I've ever thought about.

I'm gonna look into anything
and everything.

I'm leaving no stone unturned.

So, the exterminator said he found
some of these in my house.

What the hell are these?

These little bugs are attracted
to extremely hot areas.

You find 'em in car engines,
space heaters,

a phone that has too many tabs open.

Yeah, Eric said you found some
in some government buildings.

Oh, yes, one sec.

Yeah. Okay, here we go.

I first saw them
in the Public Works building.

This is Detention and Probation.
I found three there.

There were some in Public Utilities,
and across the street here…

that's a sub shop.

Oh, it's so good.

Do you like turkey?

Oh, God, they stack the turkey.

Oh, God, it's so good.

f*cking cops everywhere!

f*cking piece of sh*t pig!

Oh. Oh!

Do you know if these
porno pictures are connected

to anything bigger than porn?

Like, are they connected to,
like, corporate fraud?

Or maybe these porno pictures
are connected to, like,

embezzlement, or are a calling sign
for, like, an embezzlement team.

Wow.

This is some of
the newest stuff out there.

This is? This is old.

Right. Porn's in a really weird
place right now.

When did you take these pictures?

- About a month ago.
- Oh!

So, these were brand-new, then.

- You have great taste.
- Thank you.

It's nice to have someone in here
who's serious about porn

and not just using it to whack off.

I do not just whack off to it.
I don't, it's not true.

- You whack off to anything.
- No, I don't.

I am serious about this.

Okay, alright, can you just
take one last look

to see if maybe there's
something bigger hidden within?

Let me see if I recognize any of these.

Oh, you're low on battery.

- Let me help you out.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Yeah, I didn't even realize that.

Hey! Hey, what the f*ck are you doing?

- Give me my phone!
- I'm just taking your pictures.

- He does that. He does that.
- Give me the damn phone!

g*dd*mn it! What are you doing?

I thought it would do something else.

Oh, f*ck.

Why the hell is there soap in here?

- This is all soap.
- Makes it look like it's waves.

- It doesn't look like waves.
- It does.

Do you all fix phones?

Yeah. You can come back in an hour.

Can I help you?

Thank you.

Oh, sh*t! It's Tecca!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

- What the f*ck?
- Go! Go!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey! Get out of here!

I transferred all your information
into this new phone,

but you might have to go in
and update your setting preferences.

- They go back to default.
- Okay.

Oh, come on, I muted this chat.

Huh.

I don't know, but I certainly feel
like I got ripped off.

I recently returned a shirt
I was not satisfied with to Tamblay.

I mostly didn't like it
'cause it had short sleeves.

The design was nice, the fit was perfect.

I just didn't like it had short sleeves.

I returned to Tamblay four months later

because I had recently sized out
of a number of my key shirts.

I walk in, and what do I see?

A shirt that looks the same
as the one I'd returned,

but it has long sleeves.

Hallelujah.
My prayers have been answered.

It has beautiful long sleeves
like I had wanted.

First long-sleeve shirt of the season.
Brand-new.

I wished that to happen.

I kinda think I can wish things
into the world now.

It's true, people can do that.

I purchased the shirt

and I immediately put it on in my car.

It didn't just have long sleeves.

It had three brown patches on the back,
which made it my hippie shirt.

How do you like my hippie shirt?

My dog immediately started sniffing
and licking the back,

right where he used to lick the old shirt,

because it had a toothpaste stain
from when I sat on toothpaste.

Suddenly, my dog starts biting it

and rips off one of the diamonds.

There's the toothpaste stain!

They had put on the diamonds
to hide the paste.

It was the same shirt I returned,

just with added sleeves
and three diamonds in the back

and they were charging double for it.

Now, I understand that
they made some improvements

but double for a used shirt?

That is criminal!

Tamblay is repurposing their old shirts

and selling them like
they were not old shirts.

Un-ethical!

Oh, my God, they're replacing the parts.

They're replacing the parts!

They made me think
I could wish things into the world.

Natalie, read what I sent you.

Dad, what the hell is this Tamblay text?

That's what Tecca's doing.

They're taking back the chairs,
swapping out the parts,

and reselling 'em to the same
companies at full price.

That's why there's so many
chairs at City Hall.

Someone in the government
owns Tecca or is involved with Tecca,

'cause they're buying from themselves.

Oh, Dad, don't be mad,
but I found out where

- the purchasing director is.
- What? How?

I went to City Hall
to see if I could talk to her,

but she wasn't there.

But then, I said I'm here
to deliver a ham to her,

because I knew they wouldn't want ham

sitting around the office
if she's not there.

'Cause Tara has a bunch
of hams around the house

'cause she's sh**ting hams, and they reek.

Why's she sh**ting hams?
Is Wendy's coming out with a ham?

Well, they might start
selling ham at this new thing

called Wendy's Carvers.

Oh, wow! Will that be at all Wendy's?

No. It's like a new, nicer Wendy's
called Carvers, and it has ham.

Unbelievable. That's awesome.

Like I thought, they didn't want the ham,
so they gave me her address.

Hi.

Oh.

Hi, I'm looking for
a Teresa Bonaventura.

Oh-h*, you found her.

Oh, could you do me a favor?

Could you bring that tray over here
closer to my head?

Yeah, we could get that
closer to your head.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

It's pretty close now. You just want it…

Oh. Bless you. Yes, please.

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
- Right over here.

- Ah.
- There we go.

Are you the purchasing director
for Delaware City?

Mm, yes, I am. Have been since I was 34.

Do you need something?

I was just wondering,
do you approve all purchases, right?

Oh. I'm not sure.

They told me I didn't need
to come in since I got sick.

But I still go to the parade.

And they still let me
take my picture every year.

Mm. And this year,
I wore a blue blazer and green pants,

and I did a little bang
which swooped around

and made a little circle around my eye,

and I looked like Daisy Duck.

That's wonderful.

Yes, yes, yes!

What the hell happened to
my picture of the hairy p*ssy?

- There's sh*t all over it!
- Come on, Mike, open up.

I know that's Wazey Waynes.

Ow! My c*ck's ripping off!

Mike, I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I should have let you
come to Seth's party.

That's not the right thing
to do to a friend.

They're using the old,
sick purchasing director

as a puppet so they can rubber-stamp
whatever they're doing with Tecca.

They pretend there's oversight,
meanwhile, they can buy

as many chairs
from themselves as they want.

- f*cking freezing in here.
- Who can?

- And who's using her?
- Look, that's Greg Braccon.

He's been the mayor there for ten years.

Look at all these scandals.
Nothing's ever stuck.

No one's ever brought him down.

So, Braccon's doing it.

And tonight, he's doing a little pub crawl
to promote downtown businesses.

There's gonna be press there.
We can go.

We can ask him about Tecca, ambush him.

What do you want from me, Ron?

You figured it all out.

I have to go to this party
tonight with Barb.

Can you please just go there

and get eyes on him
until I can break free and go there?

- Okay.
- Yeah?

You know, I really wanted
to go to Seth's party.

I know, I'm sorry.

You could've told him I was the mailman.

Ron. I need help. I need a job.

Think you can get me a job where you work
at Professor Roblay's?

Professor Roblay's?

I could clean around the lab or something.

Yeah, yeah, I'll ask the professor.

- Thanks, Ron.
- Yeah, no problem.

Alice. Evan, hi.

- The woman of the hour.
- Aw, it's so good to see you.

Aw.

- And you remember my husband, Ron.
- Yeah, hi.

No, I have to apologize about Evan.

They asked him if they could dye his hair

at the stylist today,
and he was too polite

- to say no.
- No.

You know my husband,
he does embarrassing stuff all the time.

Like today,
he brought home a new dog,

and then he left for the whole day.

And so, I was alone with the dog all day.

- Barb, I am going to steal you away.
- Oh.

- 'Cause I wanna show you off.
- Aw.

And after dinner,
we're gonna have a little kickoff toast.

- Oh!
- And I was wondering if you'd be

comfortable saying a few words.

I hadn't prepared anything, but I've…

Dinner isn't for a while.
You'll have plenty of time.

Okay, well, alright.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

There's gonna be a dinner here?
Like a sit-down dinner?

Yeah, but I'm not worried.

Even if it's something I don't like…

I got this.

- What are those?
- Pepper patty ba*ls.

Alice says she thinks
we can take it to market

by October, but I'm not so sure.

- You can, honey. You can do anything.
- Oh.

Evelyn, Dunbar,
can you excuse me for one second?

- Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Thank you.

- …was so dialed in.
- Yeah.

And then, he started to collect addresses.
Collect some of those names.

- Barb. Barb.
- And that is what I was…

- Honey.
- Do you know when we're gonna eat?

What?

Are you serious?

Ron, we're gonna eat
when the f*cking food comes out.

I mean, do you have somewhere
that you need to go or something?

- No, I don't, I just wanted to…
- Okay.

…make sure if you needed help
with your remarks, or if it's close.

- With what?
- Your remarks.

Oh. I'm okay, thank you.

I don't need help. Thank you.

- Jeez.
- What?

I just…

This is fun.

It is fun. Okay.

Sh…

Hey, Mike. How's it going?

Yeah, he's here. I got eyes on him.

But he's with this f*cking guy
that wants him to leave.

- What do you mean?
- This guy, he keeps saying,

"Let's get outta here, this place sucks.

I want to go to your hot tub
in your house."

Mike, what are you talking about?

This guy, he wants to go
to the f*cking hot tub

- in his house.
- …in your house, in the hot tub.

He's an old friend, or maybe he
grew up with him or something.

It's like he's never been
in a hot tub before.

f*ck' pouting.

- What?
- Ron, when can you get here?

The news media is setting up now.

It's taking longer than I thought.

I'll get there as quick as I can, but
I might be stuck here for a little bit.

It's not a bad place to work.

We do a lot of great work
in the Columbus area.

Oh, good.

And we get away,
we go to our lake house, it's…

Everyone, please join us
in the living room

for music and digestifs before dessert.

I hope you like chocolate.

Right?

Ron, where are you?

I think we're about to do the toast.

I might be getting ready
to get out of here.

Yeah, well, I'm worried
he's gonna leave soon.

I think that this guy's
starting to wear him down.

They've already seen you.
You're done here.

You did everything you had to do.

Let's go to your house.

Mike, just keep him there.
Figure out a way.

Whoa. Niagara Falls?

That's cool.

Teresa Bonaventura.

What…

What the f*ck?

- Mike.
- Ah, been a while

since I've been called that.

It's Oliver Probblo. I found her email.

f*ck at the store were useless.

But they did get my stuff
off that smashed iPad.

They found the email.
Okay, what was the "S" for?

It wasn't Maggie S at all.

That was a different person
I got in a fight with

about some sunglasses I stole,

and I was willing to go
to the grave saying I didn't.

- Okay.
- The woman who took those pictures

was Alice Quintana.

f*ck. It doesn't go up, it goes down.

Piece of sh*t. Is that a f*cking pill?

You were putting
a g*dd*mn pill in my mouth!

Yeah, eat this.
It's got rat poison in it.

That's rat poison from a tooth!

Get off him!

What the f*ck?!

The f*ck is happening?

I know it's you. I know it's you now.

How do you know this little prick?

He's my sister's son.
When you attacked him,

he told me you were getting close.

I was getting kinda close.
A lot of sh*t I didn't have a clue about.

Why would you invite me to your house?

Now, I know for sure it's you.
You run Tecca.

You're stealing money from the taxpayers.

You poisoned Teresa Bonaventura.

- What?
- I think you poisoned

Teresa Bonaventura to keep her home.

To keep her mind sick, to k*ll her brain,

so you could just buy as many chairs
as you wanted from the budget office.

I didn't do anything to her.

She's been out of it for many years.

She's not out of it. She's perfectly fine.

Teresa? She's not well at all.

She's got the purest heart I've ever seen
in this whole world.

And you used her signature,

stealing money from the hard-paying people

of these cities and counties.
It's a crime!

Why the hell would you
invite me to this house?

- That's crazy.
- I invited you

because I invested
in your wife's business.

And the money which you said I embezzled
is invested with your wife.

You're part of the family now.

That's why you're invited.

- So?
- You really wanna do that to your wife?

After she stood by you
with your Jeep tours?

You really wanna ruin her chance
of raising enough money

for her Series A?

Yeah, because you did all that stuff,
and I've been trying to figure it out!

Go out and tell.
Actually, the DA is right out there.

She's a close friend.

Oh, cool, you're friends with the DA.

I'll tell your friend.
I don't see why you don't care.

Because I don't think
you're gonna do it, Ron.

Alice, I am gonna do it.

Your plan didn't work.

Barb can find that money
somewhere else, I'm sure.

We don't even know if Everpump's
gonna work even with the money.

A lot of these things don't work out.

I'm definitely doing it.

It sounds like you've got
a little to think about, Ron.

I'm gonna go out there and be a good host.

- I'll see you out there.
- Yeah, I'll see you out there.

You're f*cking stupid as sh*t,
you know that?

Why would you put the same design
in every website?

- Do you wanna know what it is?
- It's lines.

- It's the color code to my life.
- What?

Every color is a different woman
that I slept with.

Well, first, I slept with pink.
Then, I slept with green.

Then I slept with pink again,
and I married pink.

And that's why this one's black.

I'm telling.

Double whiskey, neat.

Ron.

Ron.

How's the mystery going?

- What?
- Oh, sorry.

I wasn't supposed to say anything,
but I think it's really cool.

- What?
- Barb said that you're looking

into a bad company.

Barb knows about the mystery?

Yeah, sorry,
I'm not supposed to say anything,

but Natalie told her about it.

I said, "What? Ron's not a detective.
He loves malls."

But she said it's really cool.

She said you're really smart
and you're running around.

You can do anything.

She said a lot of nice things about you,
like you were a superhero or something.

It was really sweet.

- Barb said that?
- Yeah.

I'm trying to remember
the exact words right now

but, yeah, it was sweet.

And lastly, I just really want
to take an opportunity

to thank you, Alice.

It's really special
what you're doing for me,

but also this beautiful, beautiful night.

So, cheers. To Alice.

- How 'bout this band?
- Yeah!

I'm just so relieved that that is over.

Sorry I was so stressed out, Ron.

You know, when I was leaving the house,
I saw Baby all curled up

on the couch, and it was really cute.

I know you miss Larby.

And with Seth, you know,
he's going off to college soon.

I know your heart's
in the right place, Ron.

Thank you so much
for supporting me tonight.

- I love you so much.
- Of course.

Without a question. I'm so proud of you.

I'm so, so proud of you.