01x03 - Earth Natives

[bunniefuu]

Even though

it didn't work out

with Ayesha's brother Ahsan,

I still had to uphold

my end of the deal.

I would audition with

Lady Parts for Sound Smash.

Someone is f*cking out of tune

and it's throwing me off.

You better not be talking

about me, sis.

- Where you off to?

- I've got labs.

Sorry.

So, so sorry.

What's wrong with you?

Where have you been?

Just stuck in labs.

I had to pick all the flower

arrangements without you.

Meanwhile,

I was also helping Noor

plan her engagement party.

It was my sacred duty

as her best friend.

Living two lives

was no mean feat.

Alive.

I had newfound sympathy

for spies and philanderers.

He's alive, he's alive.

Navigating these choppy seas

of deception,

I was master and commander.

All that's left to get

is the rose gold fairy lights,

champagne table covers,

carnation sheer drapes,

brushed gold serving spoons.

Amina?

You getting this?

Got it.

Got it.

- Also, what else?

- We need cake, who's on the cake?

We are.

- Off again, are we?

- Yeah, labs, mad intense.

Babe, we know

what you're doing.

You do?

Obvi, you're

going to see Ahsan.

What?

I really like you, but just,

you know, as a friend.

Oh, sh*t.

That name,

a b*llet in the heart,

a dagger in the clavicle.

Got me.

Well, don't overdo it.

There is such a thing

as being too keen.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ladies.

You tell him we are so looking

forward to meeting him.

Yeah.

I still hadn't told my friends

that Ahsan had rejected me.

They thought I was seeing him,

when actually

Sup, m*therf*ckers!

Have I got news for you.

So did you get us a slot?

00 p.m.,

Sound Smash audition.

sh*t.

That's soon.

Well it's the only slot

they had.

- It's fine, we're ready.

- Uh

00 p.m., Saturday?

Mm, I can't, mm-mm.

- Ugh, Amina.

- What?

It's Noor's engagement party.

I can't miss it.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

Wow, wow.

Relax, breathe.

Just tell her you need

to need to leave early.

I can't.

They don't know about the band.

They cannot know

about the band.

Nice─healthy.

Hey, relax.

We'll pick you up, do a quick

audition, and drop you back.

No one will even know

you're gone.

That.

Maybe I shouldn't

do the audition.

I mean, I could puke.

I always puke when I perform.

What if I puke?

Or worse

what if poo comes?

Poo is not gonna come.

Remember, this is not a

performance, it's an audition.

Big difference.

No crowd.

You'll just play

like you play with us in here.

I had performance anxiety,

Noor anxiety,

living a double life anxiety.

I was in over my head.

Okay.

I think we need to decompress,

hmm?

Get out of Dodge for a bit.

The toxicity of our city ♪

Guys, where are we going?

You,

what do you own the world? ♪

How do you own disorder,

disorder? ♪

Now somewhere between

the sacred silence ♪

Sacred silence and sleep ♪

Somewhere between

the sacred silence ♪

- Where are we?

- Countryside, baby.

Sometimes we like

to kick it in The Shire.

- This is where we unwind.

- Yeah, chill.

- Is it safe?

They wanted me

to get out of my head

and into my body,

release my demons,

unclench my sphincter,

find my Zen.

Come on.

I've got you.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Sorry, what's going on?

Just relax and lie down,

feel the earth.

Mother Nature says, "Chill."

I had never been

in the countryside before.

Anything outside

London zone five

was foreign terrain to me.

It didn't feel right.

Uh

Whose land is this?

Whose land is this?

Whose land is this?

- Whose land is this?

- Whose land is this?

I mean, someone might own

this land, I don't know.

Just 'cause someone sticks

a flag into something

doesn't make it theirs,

you get me?

This land is ours.

We are Earth's natives.

Our forefathers fought and died

in the white man's wars

for the express purpose

that we would be able

to sit here on this here land

and smoke this here doob.

- Great!

- Mmm.

And just like that,

I let go.

Somehow the band

had got through to me.

And in this green

and pleasant land,

I lay my troubles aside.

Even Ayesha

and I were bonding

- Oi, listen yeah.

- Sort of.

Yes, listening.

Sorry.

I don't mean to be

so hard on you.

You're not a total loser

or a totally sh*t guitarist.

- Thanks.

- You do get on my t*ts though.

- Sorry.

- No, it's cool.

It's band life, I guess.

Sorry it didn't work out

with my brother.

- Oh.

- I thought it might.

- Given how wet he is.

- Yeah.

Good chat.

You're alright.

A toast to our newest

band member,

a delightful freak show,

a humble virtue, I say.

A horny reprobate.

And our great new friend.

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Am I really that bad?

That bad?

You're that good.

You gotta own your freakiness

before your freakiness

owns you.

Bring on the audition!

Hey!

This is private land!

Sorry, sir,

this land is our land.

We are Earth natives─

- Run!

- sh*t!

Back in the Big Smoke,

and I was feeling different.

Something in the countryside

air changed me.

I figured, maybe it wasn't

such a big deal

to tell Noor about Lady Parts.

I figured wrong.

Hon, it's fine.

You made a mistake.

I'm so sorry, Noor.

I didn't mean to.

What's going on?

Zeyba sent the wrong playlist

to Osmond

for the engagement party.

Oh, so what's the big deal?

She sent her get-pumped

playlist instead

of her get-wed playlist.

It had some

inappropriate tracks.

Inappropriate tracks?

"Sexual Healing."

"Pony."

"Girl I Want

to Make You Sweat."

Babe, you made a mistake.

Sometimes it takes

something like this to happen

for you to understand

your missteps.

Mm-hmm.

The highs of the countryside

suddenly seemed

a distant memory,

and not just for me.

Saira's natural habitat

had been invaded,

and she was confronted by

a new and terrifying obstacle.

Mmm.

A dinner date.

Abdullah, this lamb is sick.

Thanks.

It from to Saira's butchers.

Yeah, it was pretty much

about to go off,

so I got it really cheap, so

Mm-hmm.

Saira and Abdullah were

newly official as a couple,

an item, a thing.

So big day coming up

for you guys, huh?

What?

The audition.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're finally

getting somewhere.

And Taz is making waves

with the whole online thing

too, so

- That's great, baby.

- Thanks.

Saira thought

she could do the whole

girlfriend-boyfriend thing,

but she was struggling

with the reality.

- How's Marnie?

- Good, good.

And she's k*lling it

in school, crazy smart.

I don't know

who she gets it from.

She hardly ever puts down

that Captain America

shield you got her.

What can I say,

my arrested development

means I buy good presents

for kids.

Mm.

Hey, you'd make a great dad

one day, you know?

Um, Saira, you'd make

a great mum too one day.

This lamb is so spicy.

Would anybody

like so more lamb?

I don't know if it's my bag,

the whole family thing.

You guys are great,

don't get me wrong.

- And Marnie is f*cking amazing.

- Thank you.

But I am not convinced

it's quite for me, you know?

Why is that?

I'm gonna go to the toilet.

Well, my parents were trapped

in a loveless marriage

for 30 years,

hated each other.

The only thing good about

my family was my big sister,

but she went and died when

I was ten kind of randomly,

so yeah, don't know.

Jury is still out on the whole

starting a family sitch

pour moi.

I'm just gonna

Wasim!

How the f*ck did you not

tell me you had a sister?

I don't know, it's personal.

Plus, she's massively dead

so it doesn't really count.

Sorry, it counts.

That counts.

Look, I'm sorry,

I know it's must be horrible,

but Bisma and Wasim know.

Bisma's my best mate.

So what am I, then?

Okay, so I hadn't told

my friends about the band,

or that Ahsan

wasn't interested,

but I'm a highly

intelligent woman.

I could figure this out.

- Hey.

- Sorry─oh, hey─hey!

How's it─hey.

Oh, no.

Listen, I'm really sorry

about the other night.

I should have been way

more clear after the date.

I'm sorry.

Ayesha told me you were upset.

I was fine.

I mean, I am fine.

There is really

no need to apologise.

- I'm not that kind of guy.

- I'm sure.

Could this get

any more awkward?

Uh-oh.

Hello.

- I'm Noor.

- Ahsan.

- Oh, I know who you are.

- You do?

You two have literally

been inseparable.

- Um

- And I cannot wait

to meet you properly on Sat.

A couple of Imran's cousins

have bailed,

so there's plenty of food

to go around,

in case you were worried.

Also, no dress code.

Maybe smart casual─smasual.

Sound all right?

- S-sure.

- Sounds good.

Perfect.

Well, you two have fun now.

Not too much fun.

- Does she think we're─

- Yes, I know, I'm sorry.

I'm going set her straight,

I just haven't yet,

'cause, I don't know if

being everyone's

favourite loser

is boring.

Am I right? Avoid. LOL.

But yes─no, I will tell her.

I'm so sorry.

- I could come with you.

- What?

If you want.

My way of saying sorry

for misleading you.

And I don't know,

maybe then we can call it even.

Oh, um

Things I thought could

never happen.

Yeah, okay.

One, Ahsan Alkaaf offering

to take me

to Noor's engagement party.

And two

me, Amina Hussein,

rehearsing for an audition

with a punk band?

I'm sorry if I scare you,

I scare myself too ♪

I scare myself too ♪

You find me terrifying,

could it be you know who? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

He's under my headscarf ♪

He's alive, he's alive ♪

Voldemort's alive,

and he's under my headscarf ♪

He's alive, he's alive ♪

Voldemort's alive,

and he's under my headscarf ♪

Does the other head gear

scare you too? ♪

- A hat?

- Helmet?

- Nah, just you.

Does the other head gear

scare you too? ♪

Hats?

Helmets?

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

What could I be hiding? ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

Voldemort's alive and ♪

He's under my headscarf ♪

He's alive, he's alive ♪

Voldemort's alive

and he's under my headscarf ♪

He's alive, he's alive ♪

Voldemort's alive ♪

And he's under

my headscarf ♪

Are you Hufflepuff?

Are you Gryffindor? ♪

No─Slytherin!

I'm f*cking Voldemort ♪

Voldemort, Voldemort,

ooh Volde- Voldemort ♪

Playing with Lady Parts

was actually kind of fun.

I never thought I'd say it,

but bring on the audition.

Voldemort ♪

- The day had finally arrived.

- Hmm.

A light schmoozing at Noor's

engagement party with my fake man,

get some kudos, why not?

Followed swiftly by an epic

audition with Lady Parts.

What could possibly go awry?

So this Ahsan

is interested in you?

Sure.

I thought it best not

to divulge details to Mother.

You know how she gets.

- Are you dating?

- God, no.

You know what I mean,

the halal version,

mutually interested

in a more-than friendship,

but strictly nonsexual way,

or whatever you kids call it.

He's just a friend.

We're going as mutual friends.

Right.

Mini, you know

you can tell me things.

Sure.

sh*t.

Wow, okay.

Salaam, Aunty.

Right back at you, sweetness.

Inappropriate.

Hmm.

- Yeah, after you.

- Thank you.

- This is very weird.

- Yeah, it is.

Thanks for not

telling your sister.

Yeah, it's cool.

At the event,

do you mind not mentioning

the audition or the band

to anyone ever?

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

If you could maybe just say

you go to Friday prayers

at your local mosque,

just in case they ask.

- Sure.

- Great.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

I've seen a rom-com

with this sort of story line.

Debra Messing hires

a male escort, Dermot Mulroney,

to go with her to her

half-sister's wedding

'cause she wants

to get to her ex-boyfriend.

Right, so I'm the male escort

in this scenario?

It's a rubbish film,

just awful.

Like, 11% fresh rating

on Rotten Tomatoes,

like, terrible.

I'm just messing.

Mutual friends.

Just two mutual friends

going to an engagement party

mutually.

Not weird at all,

totally normal.

Hey, welcome.

Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, so all the men

are over there.

Imran.

Imran.

- Salaam, Amina.

- Hi.

- Welcome.

- So Imran, this is Ahsan.

Salaam, brother.

How are you both?

Well.

- Very well.

- Well.

Well, you've been getting

to know each other well.

Yeah, very well.

Not like that.

Yeah, well.

Museums.

Sorry?

We really like

going to museums.

- Oh.

- Tate, National Portrait

- Science Museum.

- Very cultured.

- Mm.

- And the mosque.

Oh, which mosque

do you go to?

Just a local one.

End of the road.

Ye olde local.

- Who is your imam?

- His name is

- Imam Inunzimam.

- Mm.

He's a new guy,

you know, beard.

Wears a beret.

Oh, hip.

- Very hip.

- So shall we?

This was a favour.

He was just doing me a favour,

but I couldn't help

but be a little distracted.

She's not answering.

They're not gonna

wait for us.

Guess we're waiting here, then.

You reeled

in a real nice catch.

Mashallah. Mubarak h*.

So come on, spill.

How'd you get Al Dreamy, huh?

Do you think he had

Ugly Duckling syndrome?

What?

You know,

he was a fat kid growing up,

then lost the weight,

got really buff,

ugly duckling no more,

boom, swan, you know?

So he doesn't really know

what league he's in.

- Excuse me one second.

- Bye.

Male escort

reporting for duty.

Oh, I think I saw your

beret-wearing imam friend.

He just cycled past,

carrying some baguettes.

Oh, I see how it is.

More of a sausage fest

than I was expecting.

Where are the woman folk?

What the

What are you doing?

Thought you friend zoned her.

No, no, he came with me.

What?

Whatever, we've gotta go now.

Uh, I'm sorry, miss,

this is a private event.

You need to leave.

Last time I checked, ma'am,

this was a free country.

No, this is Saira,

my mum's sister's

sister-in-law's sister?

Yes, a family emergency.

Oh, no,

not a family emergency.

Oh!

She doesn't look

like your relative.

I was adopted.

I'll be right back.

- Amina!

- Right back, promise.

Okay, sorry we're late,

traffic was appalls.

20 minutes late.

You don't have time

to sound check.

No sound check, just go.

Saira, sorry.

I can't, I can't.

I've never been a pub before.

I think I'm getting drunk

on the booze fumes.

No, relax.

You can do this.

Okay.

Trust in yourself, man.

You're a great guitarist.

This was not a gig,

just an audition.

Not a gig, just an audition.

Ready?

Why won't you love me? ♪

Why won't you text me back? ♪

Leave me on read ♪

Ghost me like I'm dead ♪

Are my clothes too tight? ♪

But ♪

You say I'm not polite,

I say f*ck you very much ♪

Bashir with a good beard ♪

Amina, come on!

For f*ck's sake,

play something.

Nothing would move.

It was though gravity was

crushing me down into stasis.

At least I wasn't puking,

right?

Sorry, we're having

a bit of a technical

Technical?

Your guitarist isn't playing.

She's nervous.

It's fine, we'll try again.

One, two─

Yeah, that's not

how it works.

- Next band, please.

- Wait, no, sorry, we're ready.

We've worked

really hard for this.

- All the bands work hard.

- Come on, please.

Listen,

we're only gonna put on

the very best unsigned bands

in the country, okay?

If you have any kinks

you need sorting out,

I suggest you do that

before you step on my stage.

Next band, please.

And just like that,

it was all over.

What had I done?

I

Nice one, mate.