01x01 - This is NOT what a Feminist Looks Like

[bunniefuu]

[CHOIR SINGS HYMN IN LATIN]

PROFESSOR WALTERS:
John Collier, 1897.

[REMOTE CLICKS]

Henri Gervex,



Manet,



And, of course,

'L'Origine du Monde'...

[STUDENTS GASP AND EXCLAIM]



Gustave Courbet.

[OPERATIC SINGING]

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
AND OPERATIC SINGING BUILD]

-[STUDENTS MURMUR]
-[DOOR THUDS]

WALTERS: Unlike traditional
portrait painters of note,

Courbet strips...

-[RORY WHISPERS] Babz!
-Ow!

-WALTERS: presenting...
-RORY: Babz!

WALTERS: sexuality
without pretence...

-RORY: Hey.
-WALTERS: refusal to...

Babz! Babe,
why are you overreacting?

Rory, I'm in a lecture.

It's just a video. Who cares?

Is there a problem,
Miss Andrews?

-Yes.
-No.

-STUDENT: That's awkward.
-[OTHERS CHUCKLE]

You can't just ignore me.

-Camel!
-[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Shut the f*ck up, Scott!

WALTERS: Do you mind?!
Philistines!

Fine. You know,
the boys are right about you.

You can be such a b*tch.

WALTERS: May I continue?

-[BAG THUDS]
-Ow!

WALTERS: Thank you.

[DOOR THUDS]

WALTERS: 'Leda and the Swan',
Michelangelo.

Here, the god Zeus,
in the form of a swan...

SONG: ♪ A w*r on women

♪ Is a w*r on us all... ♪

[STUDENTS LAUGH AND CHATTER]

♪ They'll poison the water

♪ Like they poisoned our souls

♪ They

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

♪ A w*r on colour

♪ Is a w*r on us all... ♪

Blaide, you're gonna need to
take that one down.

There's nothing wrong with them.

-I'm gonna get complaints.
-It's just a fact.

This isn't a debate.
Take it down. Now, please.

-ELISE: Prue.
-SHEPHERD: Vice-Chancellor!

You did a guest lecture
in one of my art-making tutes.

It was spot-on. Thank you.

FTP.

f*ck the patriarchy.

STUDENT: Hey, Prue?
Come talk to us, Queen Femmo.

Hey, um, I just wanted to ask
about your nose piercing.

-Not today, arsehole.
-STUDENT: Don't ignore us!

Should I come back later? I'm
just thinking about getting...

PRUE: f*ck off!
Get away from us!

Actually, male students
are assaulted 26% of the time.

Yeah, by other men.

You don't have permission
to film us.

Where are our rights?

Where are our initiatives
and special laws?

-PRUE: Right, that's it.
-LYLE: OK, one more, one more.

-STUDENT: Hey, hey!
-[BLAIDE GRUNTS]

Hey, give it back, femoid.

-What are you gonna do?
-Can't just steal his phone.

-It's new!
-Yeah, you can't.

Let him film!
Let him film, you fugly dog.

What are they gonna do?
Sell it to 'Playboy'?

-Don't you f*cking touch me!
-[STUDENTS EXCLAIM]

SONG: ♪ Many kids are
looking up at their parents for

♪ The permission to just be
who they are

♪ And in this world,
you've got so much hatred... ♪

GUARD: Oi!

♪ I wonder why
you'd want to create it... ♪

[PRUE SCREAMS]
Get your hands off me!

Hey, hey! You're meant to be
protecting students.

Ugh!

FTP!

-FTP!
-[STUDENTS SHOUT]

Argh! KAM!

KAM?

[PRUE SHRIEKS]

k*ll all men!

♪ w*r on us all

♪ They hate what is different

♪ And k*ll what is small

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ The w*r on our future

♪ The w*r on us all

♪ We've gotta keep fighting
for what makes us whole... ♪

Oh!

Hey, it was, uh,
Vera, wasn't it?

I'm... I'm...
No. No, no, Professor.

It's Elise, but...

-Ah, right.
-Yeah.

Uh, would you, uh,
care to join me

on the chaise longue, Elise?

Yeah, um, I was just
wondering if you knew

when, um, Professor Walters
would be in.

I just wanted to ask
about my... my grade.

PHOENIX: Right.

May I?

Whoa! Right.

You've put clothes
on all the women. Huh!

We were asked to re-create this,

but I thought I'd make it
more my style.

Oh, no, no, don't get me wrong.
You've got... great style.

But Walters is a classicist

and you've taken
certain liberties.

I... I can't get an F.
I'm on a scholarship.

For Fine Arts?

The bagpipe scholarship
for St Stephen's.

Right. I thought that was...

Yeah, traditionally a male role.

But, um... [CHUCKLES] ..my old
neighbour, Mr Donner, taught me.

He said it was usually
a man's instrument,

but I had the shoulders for it.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Wow. Wow.

-Can I give you some advice?
-Yeah.

If you're wanting to make
a bold statement,

you're gonna have to do
a whole lot more

than stick clothes on nudes.

Yeah?

Go harder.

Be radical.

Don't settle for mediocrity.

[UNEASY STRING MUSIC]

Thank you, but, um...

[TENSE VOCALISATIONS]

Yeah.

[UNEASY STRING MUSIC CONTINUES]

-[GRUNTS]
-[VIDEO CALL RINGS]

[GROANS]

[PHONE BUZZES]

Morning, darling!

-Or is it evening?
-Afternoon.

How are you, sweetie?
I miss you.

-I miss you so much.
-Miss you too.

It's so quiet here without you.

[FLAPS LIPS]

-[FLAPS LIPS]
-Last day of week two.

-Yeah.
-How's my petal doing?

-Hmm?
-Good.

Did you get the toilet paper
I sent?

Uh, yeah, Mum, they do have
toilet paper here.

I know!

But I bet they don't have
the rose hip one.

I haven't checked. Uh...

Darling, is that
your assignment in the bin?

Uh, yeah. I... I'd rather not
talk about it, Mum.

Oh, love! Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want to come home,
darling?

Mum, that can't be
your gut instinct

every time something goes bad.

Last week, I burnt my mouth
on a burrito

and you put a flight on hold.

I'm just a bit concerned
about you, sweetheart.

-Don't be.
-[QUIET SOBBING NEARBY]

[SIGHS] Elise?

Um...

-[SOBBING CONTINUES]
-Ju...

-Uh...
-Sorry, Mum. I've, um...

-I've... I've gotta go.
-[SOBBING CONTINUES]

[APP CHIMES]

-[TROUBLING MUSIC]
-[SOBBING CONTINUES]

[LOUD THROAT CLEARING]

ELISE: Hey.

Are you OK?

-[UNEASY STRING MUSIC]
-[BARBARA SIGHS]

Yes. Ellen, I'm fine.

It's Elise, actually.

I don't know why people
keep getting that wrong.

[BARBARA SIGHS]

[UNEASY STRING MUSIC CONTINUES]

STUDENT: Whoo!

ZAC: I'm just so glad I managed
to catch you this time.

-Thank you.
-Everything you post on Threads,

it's, like...
it's, like, so vital.

-I really...
-And...

-[ZAC LAUGHS]
-I really... appreciate it.

-ZAC: Um...
-Um...

I really like what you've done
with your hair.

-Like, the little braids...
-Thanks.

Actually, in person,
it looks a lot lighter.

In all your pictures on
your profile, it's, like...

-BARBARA: Alison!
-ZAC: kinda shiny.

-BARBARA: Hey!
-That's closer, but it's Elise.

I thought I missed you guys.
Are the others already inside?

-[UNEASY STRING MUSIC]
-Hmm...

We should... we should go inside
and meet them.

Please?

-It won't take long.
-ELISE: Uh...

-I... I... Uh, sure, yeah. Yeah.
-ZAC: Right. Right.

-BARBARA: 'Bye. Later.
-ZAC: See you later, Barbara?

I'm Elise. You're Barbara.

I've seen you
in my Fine Arts class.

-[ELECTRONIC MUSIC THUDS]
-[STUDENTS CHATTER]

Thanks for helping me out
back there.

Did you know that guy?

Don't want to. He's a reply guy.

[SOFTLY] Reply...

Sorry, I'm not really down with
all the social media lingo.

Don't say 'lingo'.

A guy who replies
to all my posts

and sends me gifts
when I do lives,

so I kinda need him.

I've got 650K followers.

Mostly women
who want fashion inspo,

but there's the occasional creep
that needs managing.

Should we call the police?

And say what?

It's not ill*gal
to walk around campus.

Just give him 30 minutes.
He'll get bored and leave.

Whoa, I'm actually
really fortunate

to only have 12 followers on...

f*cking pricks!

-[MEN CHANT] Camel! Camel!
-[BARBARA SIGHS]

Is that what you were arguing

with your boyfriend about
in lecture?

BARBARA: Ex!

[SIGHS] St Stephen's guys
put six bottles of vodka

in their O Week punch last year.

[ELISE LAUGHS]

Camel. OK. Oh, like, humps?
That's really clever. [INHALES]

[ELISE STOPS LAUGHING]

Uh, but it's mostly sl*t-shamey.

-We need another drink.
-I don't really drink.

['FRIENDS'
BY MISS KANINNA PLAYS]

Jesus, you're really into
this art stuff, aren't you?

Oh, this is just for
Professor w*nk*r's class.

[BARBARA LAUGHS]

OK, you're gonna need
to be more specific.

-Walters.
-Ugh! f*ck.

How is it fair that I get
shadow banned for side boob,

and he gets a fortune
for showing off ancient bush?

You know, I came here
to be a protest artist, like...

BARBARA: Yeah.

p*ssy Riot or Guerrilla Girls.

BARBARA: Mm.

But then, Walters failed me

for putting clothes
on nude women.

And Phoenix told me that my work
wasn't radical enough.

And then he f*cking mansplains
feminist art to you.

You're so right!

I didn't work
in a supermarket deli

on a five-year gap year
for this.

Isn't it usually one?

We're literally
under house arrest

waiting for your stalker
to leave.

These men are holding us back!
[BANGS TABLE]

And they're f*cking
calling me camel.

Babe! You haven't even
humped me all night.

Let's go f*cking teach him
a lesson.

FTP.

BOTH: f*ck the patriarchy!

KAM.

What?

k*ll all men.

['FRIENDS' BY MISS KANINNA
CONTINUES]

[SHOUTS]

SONG: ♪ You must
come pick a side

♪ 'Cause the devil's
out at night

♪ And I know
you don't wanna be lonely

♪ And I don't wanna fight

♪ But I will, babe, if you like

♪ And we can make up
like in the movies... ♪

[BARBARA SHRIEKS]

♪ I'm the type

♪ To make you move it

♪ You got time
to help me prove it

♪ I'mma grind
to make you lose it

♪ Make you lose it... ♪

BARBARA: Well, I never thought
I'd see her rubbing a p*nis.

Definitely not
a men's rights doodle.

We should do that.

Draw a d*ck on the women's room?

No.

Vandalise something.

Go full f*cking... gorilla sh*t.

[ELISE LAUGHS]

[ELISE STOPS LAUGHING]

Oh, wait. You're serious.

You weren't?

OK, how did you know
that was there?

Phoenix thinks
he has a chance with me,

so now I get free art supplies.

ELISE: Yeah!

-Yes!
-BARBARA: Go, go, go, go!

-[ELISE LAUGHS]
-♪ I like to keep it low-key

♪ I be getting to the bag

♪ I see why these haters mad

♪ When I walk into the room

♪ They know that
I can take them in

♪ I know that
I'm the baddest girl

♪ 'Cause, baby, I'm the savagest

♪ I send you
straight to voicemail

♪ If it ain't about the bag,
you know

-♪ My price, it ran up
-♪ Ran up

-♪ About a week ago
-♪ Ago

♪ I'm up and it's stuck

♪ So you won't get it
for the low

-♪ I'm poppin'
-♪ Uh

-♪ I'm lit, I'm poppin'
-♪ I'm poppin'

♪ You know I'm poppin'
Lip gloss poppin'... ♪

-[SPRAY CAN RATTLES]
-♪ Bag on like, yeah

♪ I'm too lit to stop it

♪ You know I be poppin' it,
lockin' it

♪ Hand on my knees
and I'm droppin' it

-♪ Poppin'
-♪ Yeah

-♪ I'm lit, I'm poppin'... ♪
-BARBARA: Whoo-hoo!

-♪ You know I'm poppin'
-♪ Yeah

♪ Lip gloss poppin'

-♪ Bag on like, yeah
-♪ Yeah

♪ I'm too lit to stop it

-♪ You know I be pop pin it... ♪
-[BOTH CHEER]

♪ Lockin' it, hand on my knees
when I'm droppin' it

♪ It's giving bad girl

-♪ I am a bad girl... ♪
-[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's giving bad girl

♪ I am a bad girl

♪ It's giving bad girl

♪ I am a bad girl

-♪ It's giving bad girl... ♪
-[FLASH BULB POPS]

♪ 'Cause I am a bad girl. ♪

[SONG CONTINUES OVER HEADPHONES]

BARBARA: What happened to her?

[SNIFFS AND GAGS]

[SLURS] Get your man hands
off of me.

sh*t. She's either high
or had too much paint stripper.

-[BARBARA GRUNTS]
-[ELISE PANTS]

Will she be OK?

Sure.

Yeah, we'll just...
close the door

and she'll wake up
when she's ready.

[SONG CONTINUES OVER HEADPHONES]

We should go home.

No! Or to the strip club!

No. Home.

I've got hot yoga at 7:00.

[ELISE SIGHS] OK.

'Bye, Prue.

♪ Stop it

♪ They all like it

♪ I'm too lit to stop it

♪ You know I be poppin' it,
lockin' it

♪ Hand on my knees
when I'm droppin' it... ♪

[HELICOPTER WHIRRS]

[SIREN WAILS]

-[HELICOPTER WHIRRS]
-[SIREN FADES]

[TENSE MUSIC BUILDS]

Ahh.

[BOX DROPS]

What are you doing?

-[HELICOPTER WHIRRS]
-Uh...

You can hear that, right?

Ugh!

[PHONE BUZZES AND CHIMES]

[GROANS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

REPORTER: Staff and students
at Cecil James University

woke this morning
to the gruesome discovery

of a mutilated body

in the middle of
its art faculty quadrangle.

Detectives confirmed the victim

was star footballer
Scott Nicholls.

Prue Matthews, leader of
the campus feminist collective,

was taken in for questioning.

[OPERATIC SINGING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Did you hear?

They're saying
she cut his d*ck off.

Hell, yeah.
That prick was a r*pist.

What?

He had it coming.

[TENSE MUSIC]

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-Hi, Elise. This is Elise.

You need to calm the hell down,
girlfriend.

[TENSE SYNTH MUSIC]

[WHISPERS]

[GAGS]

Ugh!

[TENSE SYNTH MUSIC]

It's gonna be OK.

BARBARA: Where are we going?

Is this where you hang out
with your friends?

It's called a library. And, no.

I don't have any friends.
Keep moving.

Small cap, thank you.

-[DEVICE BEEPS]
-SHEPHERD: Detective Roach.

Ouch! That is a nice shiner.

Oh, no, it's nothing. It was
a protest on campus yesterday.

Ivy Shepherd, campus liaison.

It really is an honour, sir.
I mean, you were on my wall...

-Yeah, yeah. Hey, um...
-..during training and...

I think while we wait
for Forensics,

let's just, uh, work backwards
from the arts store.

Of course. Yep. Great.

-[INTRIGUING STRING MUSIC]
-[MOUTHS WORDS]

Last night -
what do you remember?

Are you suggesting that I k*lled
and castrated somebody?

I don't know. Did you?

Are you f*cking serious, Elise?

You said that
the footy boys sucked,

that we should k*ll all men.

No, hon. You said that.

[GAGS]

Blaargh!

Oh! Oh!

[ELISE COUGHS]

Sorry. I projectile
when I'm stressed.

To be honest, I don't remember
much of last night.

[PHONE CLICKS]

Here we are finishing up.

And here's a selfie
you sent me 10 minutes later

eating a cake-making kit in bed.

There's no body.

No. So you need to cool it.

And maybe lose
the paint-stained pants.

Right.
But they've arrested Prue.

And as we know,
she didn't do it either.

BARBARA: She could've done it.

It does sounds like
something she would do.

We left her in that room.
We covered her in paint.

We're the reason
that she's in jail.

-We have to go to the police.
-No way.

They'll think we did it.

Then we show them your photos

and we'll explain to them

that, yeah, while we did
the art stuff, someone else...

No-one can know
that I made that art, OK?

I have a lot of
sponsored content.

-Are you serious?
-About my income? Yeah!

The minute that you get
political, you're screwed.

Let me put this in terms
that you may understand.

Prue is #f*cked.

OK, let me put this in terms
you might understand.

When you graffiti the quad,

you lose your bagpipe
scholarship.

[TENSE VOCAL MUSIC]

-Sorry, we were just...
-f*ck off, Jenny.

Wait!

Give us your stockings.

No way!

Yes way.

If I give you my stockings,

you need to do something for me.

I've started my own business.

['GIRLIE POP'
BY POP TARTS PLAYS]

SONG: ♪ Someone squashed a lemon

♪ And the juice was sickly sweet

♪ Sweet and artificial... ♪

[SIGHS] This needs to come down,
stat.

[ELISE GAGS]
Hi, Elise. This is Elise.

You just need to be practical.

-[HELICOPTER WHIRRS]
-[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

-Who are you talking to?
-Myself.

My mum says it's healthy.
It's a form of self-soothing.

Well, it's weird.

OK, one thing
we have going for us

is that nobody
sees us as friends.

Thank God.

So even if they were to find
the surveillance footage

of two people running around,

there's no reason
that they'd think it was us.

Great! So you disposed of
the drop sheet junk, then?

[HUFFS]

OK, I'm gonna return
the art building key.

And I have to do the drop sheet?

To be honest, Elise,
people follow me online.

People know what I do every day.

If I were seen lighting a fire
or digging a hole,

someone's gonna start
asking questions.

Whereas someone like you,

well, that is just
normal behaviour.

[STUDENTS CHATTER]

SHEPHERD: haven't turned up.

You reported supplies
had been taken

from your storeroom.

PHOENIX: Correct. But
it wouldn't be one of my kids.

SHEPHERD: Great,
so we'll need an inventory

of everything's that's missing.

Of course.

ROACH: So what's,
uh, access like

after hours at this place?

PHOENIX: Yeah,
so we lock up at 6:00.

[TENSE STRING MUSIC]

PHOENIX: There is a spare key.

ROACH: And who knows about that?

Oh, only the highest achievers.

[TENSE STRING MUSIC CONTINUES]

PHOENIX: Oh, it's...

[PHOENIX GRUNTS]

Oh, it's weird. It's...

It's not here.

-BARBARA: Professor.
-Hey, Barbara! Hey!

-Just wanted to return your key.
-Thank you.

Barbara here is one of our
most promising young students.

When did you take that key?

Just a second ago.

-I... I needed more clay.
-Ah!

-Yeah.
-Oh, well. On the tools!

[BARBARA AND PHOENIX CHUCKLE]

-BARBARA: Thanks, Professor.
-PHOENIX: Of course.

[EXHALES]

So this might as well be
an open storeroom.

[INTRIGUING STRING MUSIC]

Yeah. Cool. This is doable.

[DOOR OPENS]

-[NICOLE CALLS OUT]
-[LOCK CLICKS]

[ELISE GRUNTS]

Sorry! I'm just masturbating.

[TENSE STRING MUSIC]

[LOCK CLICKS]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[SPADE STRIKES]

[PANTS SOFTLY]

[SYNTH MUSIC]

[STUDENTS CHEER]

SONG: ♪ Just gonna go for it

♪ Right in the face of it... ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

-♪ Can you handle how we do... ♪
-Oh, one second.

Good news.

The key's back.

Did anyone see you?

Nope. Don't think so.

Hey, you don't feel like
helping me dig a hole, do you?

They make it look way easier
in the movies.

I'm good, thanks, babe.

RORY: Hey, Babz!

-Hey.
-[GROWLS]

Is that Rory? Are you out?

The guys at Stephen's
are throwing

a p*mps and tarts party
in Scott's honour.

It would be disrespectful of me
not to attend.

-But I thought you and Rory...
-We break up all the time.

We're really good now.

Look, you bury the evidence.

If Prue tells a cop she saw us,

they won't find anything, right?

Now, what are we gonna do
to get her released?

Listen, Elise.

The cops will figure it out
eventually, OK?

And like you said,

we probably shouldn't be
seen together anymore.

We got away with it.

[MUSIC THUDS IN DISTANCE]

[SPADE SCRAPES]

[SOBS]

[SNIFFLES]

Hi, Elise. This is Elise.

If you keep crying,
we're never gonna finish.

-[SPADE STRIKES]
-[ELISE GRUNTS]

SONG: ♪ Ah-om, ah-om... ♪

[ELISE GRUNTS]

♪ Ah-om... ♪

[EXHALES]

♪ Ah-om

♪ Will you come with me? ♪

I told the boys to lay off
the camel stuff.

-They'll take it down.
-♪ Come with me

♪ The kings and queens
are falling... ♪

-Thanks.
-Hm.

♪ The shadows,
they are calling... ♪

You know, we've all got
embarrassing drunk stories.

I once cut my tongue
on a can of tuna

and they called me John West
for so long. [LAUGHS]

♪ Do you dare? ♪

[RORY CHUCKLES]

♪ A strangeness fills the air
Do you dare? ♪

Yeah.

♪ Ah-om... ♪

Actually, um...

♪ Ah-om

-♪ Ah-om... ♪
-That night, I, um...

♪ Ah-om

♪ Will you come with me?

♪ Come with me

♪ The kings and queens
are falling

♪ The shadows, they are calling

♪ Will you come with me?

♪ Come... ♪

I thought I made a friend.

And now I don't know.

And someone could be in
a lot of trouble because of me.

[SHIRLEY SIGHS] Oh, Elise!

I knew something was up.

Look, do you want to come home,
petal?

Elise...

-♪ Ah-om... ♪
-[ELISE SCOFFS]

-[SOBS]
-♪ Ah-om, ah-om

♪ Ah-om

♪ Ah-om, ah-oooh

♪ Will you come with me?

♪ Come with me

♪ The kings and queens
are falling

♪ Shadows, they are calling

♪ Will you come with me?

♪ Come with me

♪ Secrets go untold

♪ Our fate unfolds

♪ Secrets go untold

♪ Our fate unfolds

♪ Ah-om

♪ Ah-om, ah-oom. ♪