Tinsel Town (2025)

[bunniefuu]

And what the case here

clearly needs is...

My daughter!

He's got my daughter!

Judge, you're mistaken.

The only need is me.

-This way!

-No. This way.

Hey!

Where's her daughter?

Watch out!

It's gonna blow!

Cut there.

Reset.

What are you doing?

You know me.

I never do my own stunts.

Clarky boy. You're up.

Well, maybe if you worked out

once in a while, Brad.

Some of the biggest stars

do their own stunts.

Not this big star,

but if you wanna

talk about it further

over drinks?

Mm. Can my husband

and two small children come too?

You're cute.

I'll take a rain check.

-Alf.

-Brad.

Wonderful work today.

It's A k*lling Time 7's gonna

be fresher than 4 and 5.

Well, thanks, buddy.

But I still have concerns

over scene 22.

I think I'm coming off

a little unlikeable

and the woman's

really underwritten.

-Well, I may...

-Not now, sugar.

You know what?

I'm gonna sort that for you.

You're my man.

Stand by, everyone.

Good luck, Maggie.

It's Martha.

Who cares?

Hey.

I'm so sorry to ask, Mr Mac,

but would you say it please?

The only need is me.

I'm going to miss these movies.

Miss?

What do you mean, miss?

I don't believe it. They don't

wanna make k*lling Time 8?

Still. You had a good run.

We only made seven films.

Each one better than the last.

You know, forget it.

Fine.

What's next?

Listen, Brad,

I'll level with you.

There is no next.

Er, the bottom line is people

don't want to hire you.

What? Why?

'Cause I'm too expensive?

Er, because you're difficult.

You're late on set and you

refuse to do your own stunts.

You don't remember names.

You failed your medicals.

Oh, my God. How many times

do I have to say it?

It was the day after

the Super Bowl.

When me and the boys

get together, stuff goes down.

There's gotta be

some kind of rom-com I can do.

Or a biopic.

We could use this

as an opportunity

for me to really stretch.

With the right makeup artist,

I could play Barack Obama.

-Christ.

-Yeah.

Probably still too young, huh?

Look, there is one thing

knocking around.

What?

-Theatre in England.

-In front of a live audience?

Exactly.

Well, it's something

I've always wanted to do,

but you and I both know I only

ever took that

one film acting class.

I mean, I might be a natural,

but theatre kind of scares me.

-You, scared?

-I've only ever done films.

Well, it's exactly the same.

Just louder.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Are you sure that's it?

Trust me.

Huh.

Louder.

-You know what? Count me in.

-Great.

Now we are talking about a very

traditional production,

but with your name

on the marquee,

it'll sell out in seconds.

Me, a sell out!

You said it, kid, not me.

And doesn't your daughter

live in England?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't get to

see her as much any more.

Well, this is a chance

to reconnect.

We're connected.

I just don't get to see

her as much as I want to.

So. Theatre in England?

Yes!

You know what?

We're gonna show the whole world

what Bradley Mac can do.

Because when

push comes to shove,

the only need is me.

Oh, Jesus.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Would you like to have

a look at the menu, sir?

I'm sorry to disturb you,

but we've been

watching you the whole flight.

My husband and I...

We're just huge fans of

the k*lling Time movies.

Thank you.

That's very kind.

It's so inspiring to see

a man of your age

still throw themselves around.

In all fairness, I like

the first one much more than

the last one, but who cares?

-They're fun!

-Yeah.

What kind of woman doesn't

love a cuddly older man?

-Chocolate chip cookie?

-No. I'm good, thanks.

Have a good flight.

Hello, Mr Mac.

Hi.

Hi again.

I'm just in the limo.

-Rented, but still a limo.

-Where are you?

No, I'm outside.

I've got a sign.

You won't miss me.

Where outside?

Just outside arrivals, mate.

Mr Mac, I'm Nigel Brand.

Here to take you to the Savoy.

The Savoy again.

I gotta say, I'm a huge fan.

I just loved Top g*n.

Oh, heated seats as requested.

Oh, and here's your natural

volcanic water, sir.

Thank you.

Snow is falling

all around me

Children playing,

having fun

It's the season

Love and understanding

Merry Christmas, everyone

At the parties and

celebrations

People dancing

all night long

Time for presents

and exchanging kisses

Time for singing

Christmas songs

We're gonna have

a party tonight

I'm gonna find that girl

underneath the mistletoe

And kiss by candlelight

The room is swaying,

records playing

All the old songs

we love to hear

Oh, I wish that

every day was Christmas

What a nice way

to spend the year

Whoo, yeah

And on your left, Mr Mac,

you're going to see...

Mr Mac?

We're gonna have

a party tonight

I'm gonna find that girl

underneath the mistletoe

And kiss by candlelight

Snow is falling

All around me

Children playing,

having fun

It's the season

Love and understanding

Merry Christmas, everyone

Merry Christmas, everyone

Merry Christmas, everyone

Snow is falling

all around me

Children playing,

having fun

It's the season

Love and understanding

Merry Christmas, everyone

Snow is falling

all around me

Children playing,

having fun

It's the season

Love and understanding

Merry Christmas, everyone

Oh, snow is falling

All right. Mr Mac.

Mr Mac.

Mr Mac, we're here.

What are you talking about?

Where's Big Ben?

Harrods? Downton Abbey?

Nah, we missed all that,

sleepyhead,

but welcome, Mr Mac,

to the Savoy.

Now there is currently

no running water,

but you don't mind

skipping a shower day, do you?

-Is this some kind of a joke?

-Is what a joke?

Where the hell's London?

Well, it's three hours

that way, sir.

You are good, my friend.

So this is some kind of

hidden camera show.

I got it from here.

Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, come out from

wherever you're hiding, dude.

Yeah.

Erm, this is your hotel, Mr Mac.

All the big turns

stay at the Savoy Guest House

when they're performing at

Stoneford's Theatre Royal.

Yeah. I'll show you.

Fine.

I'll play along.

-Wow.

-What the...

It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas

There he is!

Get him! Get him!

Excuse me.

Hello.

Darling, Brad,

here you are at last.

- Welcome to Stoneford,

- Welcome to Stoneford.

He's even more gorgeous

in the flesh.

I'm Callum. The Prince.

Massive fan, mate.

The only need is... yeah.

Yeah.

Not exactly sure

what's going on here,

but obviously there's

-been some kind of...

-Brenda. Fairy godmother.

Izzy, Cinderella.

-Fanny.

-And Annie.

-We're the ugly stepsisters.

-We do it every Christmas.

-Yeah, and on birthdays.

-Oh, you are filthy!

Bababa, Bababa. Russell.

Baron Hardup.

Hilda from box office.

Jean the cleaner.

Jonty on sound.

Frank on lights.

Neigh.

Your distinguished director

Cassandra Collins, OBE,

under me, over me.

-And you are?

-Jill, the choreographer.

And I hate to be a realist,

but we've only got a few days

to get this show on the road.

So if everyone's

finished fawning,

let's take it

from the top of act one.

You'll need these tap shoes.

Er, stop. Everybody.

Just stop for a second, please.

Again, not sure

what's happening here.

But I definitely did not

sign up for this.

Sorry, for what, duck?

This, whatever this is.

What is this?

A low-rent production of Cats?

Darling.

It's a pantomime.

A panto-what?

Cinderella!

And you are our Buttons.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Is it the large, padded horse

that's throwing you off?

Okay. Brenda, darling,

why don't you show him?

Show me what?

Pantomime, Brad,

or panto for short,

is an annual British tradition.

A quintessential part

of Christmas.

Think fairy tales, but fun!

Aladdin, Cinderella,

d*ck Whittington...

I beg your pardon?

You've got men dressed as women.

Women dressed as men.

Horses played by people plus

pop songs and pyrotechnics.

Always a happy ending

with an enormous expl*si*n

covering the whole auditorium.

Brenda, try not to be so crude.

There are children present.

Double entendres too, Brad,

you like those, I'm sure.

Mind you, there're a lot

to get your mouth around.

Alright, my darlings, we begin.

Oh my God.

You look like fun to me

You look a little like

somebody I know

Come on, sheeple!

How this ends because

I'll be in your head

all weekend

Shivers and butterflies

I get the shivers

when I look into your eyes

And I can tell

that you're all in

Because I can hear

your heart beating

Padam, padam, padam

I hear it and I know

Padam, padam, I know

you want to take me home

Keep up the energy.

Remember,

people are paying for this.

When your heart goes padam

It'll all make sense

eventually, dear.

I know you want

to take me home, padam

And take off all my clothes,

padam, padam

When your heart goes padam

Ha-ha! Yes!

Right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for wasting my time.

Good luck.

Never say good luck

in the theatre, Brad.

Yeah.

We're cursed.

Brad.

What's the problem?

You're kidding.

What's the problem?

Okay, here's the problem.

I'm stuck here in Hookeyville

somewhere north of nowhere,

surrounded by singing sheep

and ageing alcoholics.

Okay.

You are my agent.

You need to get me out of here

as quickly as possible.

Oh, but Brad, you did

read the script, right?

No, not, not...

And the terms of the contract?

Get out of the road, you idiot.

Exactly.

Look, honey,

I've been your agent for years,

and the fact of the matter is,

you're lazy, ungrateful,

and I've had just about

enough rider requests

for one lifetime.

Nobody needs

a new pair of briefs

every single day.

Brad Apollo Mac, it gives me

the greatest of pleasures

to finally say, you're fired.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are fired.

Too late, buster.

You're already off the books.

You're gonna

hear from my lawyer.

Who cares?

Your lawyer hates you too.

Merry Christmas, Buttons.

I wouldn't worry about it, mate.

Gandalf's done it too.

He still does, in fact.

Sir Ian McKellen's

done pantomime?

Oh, yeah.

All the big names.

David Hasselhoff,

Pamela Anderson,

Barry off EastEnders.

-Eh?

-I'm dead.

All right then.

Here we are.

Wow.

I don't really need

a themed room,

a regular one'll do.

What you mean, themed?

Hello, girls.

Kieran, what are you doing here?

I'm not gonna let you walk home

in the dark on your own, am I?

-So jump in the motor.

-It's a short walk. We're fine.

It's winter, Jill.

There's a lot of naughty people

knocking about,

you know, like burglars.

Oh, you've heard

about that, have you?

Of course I have.

-Everyone's talking about it.

-Yeah.

Well, I hope you're not

mixed up in any of it.

Put the top up, Kieran.

It's freezing.

How's my baby?

I'm 13.

Well, you'll always be my baby.

You're looking forward

to spending Christmas

with your old dad this year?

-What?

-It's my turn.

She's got a part in the panto.

We discussed this.

Well, that was before I knew

that you were both working

with that k*lling Time mug.

So, yeah.

Christmas with

all your London cousins.

You'd like that,

wouldn't you, Cara?

Oh, well, I'll give you a bell.

Love you, baby.

No, that's disgusting.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Grace, how are you?

Oh, Brad, are you in England?

Er, yeah, I'm at a

silent shamanic retreat.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Any plans

to see your daughter at all?

Can't really talk right now.

Gotta stay quiet.

Convenient.

Emma, darling, it's Daddy.

Okay, fine, Grace. I was

supposed to do a play here.

Okay?

In the theatre.

Exciting times.

Who's the playwright, Brad?

-Oh, Spencer, you're there too?

-Marlow? Jonson?

It's gonna be down

in Stoneford, okay?

Hey, Em.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Dad.

Mum says you're in England.

That's right, governor.

-Don't do the accent.

-Yeah. Okay.

Look, sweetheart,

the sad thing is I don't think

I'm gonna

be able to see you on this trip.

Well, but you said that

last time.

-And the time before that.

-And the time before that.

I know, I know, okay.

But this time is not my fault.

I'm not gonna be here long.

I've been conned.

They weren't even gonna

give me a Winnebago.

But what about Christmas?

Christmas.

Ugh.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I promise I'm gonna

make it up to you, okay?

Hey, you liked

that Amazon gift card

I gave you last year, right?

That way you can get

exactly what you want.

Don't worry, Dad.

Mum always told me to

manage my expectations.

A pretty good

life lesson, actually.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Please don't be mad

at me, okay?

I promise

I will make it up to you.

But now you sleep tight,

my little angel.

Oh no,

this is actually happening.

Wait, Mr Mac.

I gotta say, Mr Mac,

I'm surprised you didn't flee

in the middle of the night.

Imagine that.

Mad dash to the airport,

straight onto a private jet.

But then again, I know you

wouldn't do that to us.

That's a big bag

for a rehearsal, innit?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Excuse me?

Sign in please.

Mr Mac.

It's ten past ten.

You are late.

It's fine. I won't be staying.

Why is my name

not at the top of the list?

Well, it's alphabetical, Mr Mac.

Huh.

The name's Albert, by the way.

Albert with an A.

I know your game.

Yeah.

Ciao, Brad.

Yeah, I know.

Hello.

Goodbye.

So sad.

Now, I take it

you've read the script.

Sandra,

if I had read this script,

I wouldn't have

gotten on the plane.

You are hilarious.

So we're gonna be starting

with scene three.

It's a tricky one, mind.

Wonderful.

Places, please, darlings.

Oh, hello, Buttons.

There you are.

Weren't you supposed to be with

the fairy in the dairy?

-The fairy in the dairy, Fanny?

-That's right, Annie.

Far better

than being on the hunt with...

Wait a second. Why is there

plastic on the floor?

And why are you wearing a wig?

In the script it says...

Son of a b*tch!

You should have known

from my contract.

I don't do my own stunts.

Somebody call me a car!

You're a car.

-You're a jerk.

-Don't worry, Bradders.

It was an absolute honour to

be punched in the face by you.

You can even do it harder

next time.

Oh, yeah,

Brad, she likes it hard.

Ooh, Fanny.

Okay, that's it. I quit.

I'm on the red eye tonight.

Have you got

pink eye, darling?

I've got a cream

that's good for that.

What's wrong with you people?

Actually, Brad, darling,

you, erm, you can't quit.

Excuse me?

Oh, yes.

Cassie's right, darling.

Your clever little agent

added in a liability clause.

Yep.

If you fail to perform

even just one show,

you're liable to be sued for

loss of proceeds

for the entire run.

Ooh, I think I might be able

to muster the six bucks.

Mm. The last time I looked,

I think

it was two million pounds.

Three million, actually.

You see, Christmas pantomimes

make the money

that keeps theatres open

all year round.

Without that revenue,

a lot of theatres

would be forced to close down.

This one included.

Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah.

That is three million pounds,

not dollars.

Okay, darling.

I'm gonna need some privacy.

Oh. Please don't go, Brad.

Hate you, Brad? No.

Why would I hate you?

Your NDAs alone

paid for my new pool.

Okay, good.

Good. That's great.

So am I free?

Well, sadly, Brad,

the contract's pretty tight.

Unless there's some

kind of force majeure.

An expl*si*n, tsunami,

collapse of the Western world,

which, let's face it,

isn't far away.

You're doing this, I'm afraid.

No, no, no, Sukie, please.

I can't.

Why is this happening to me?

Well, your agent

made a pretty solid deal.

Judas.

No, Julie.

You really gotta get better

at remembering people's name.

Hey...

What if I just walked,

got on a plane and went home?

Oh, then they will sue

and trust me, they will win.

But, hey, look on

the bright side, Brad,

this pantomime thing's

surprisingly well paid.

It is?

Sure, and given

the state of your finances,

I would stay put if I were you.

What about my finances?

Oh, Brad, please.

Five houses, one divorce,

200 K a year on tulips.

Your spending

is out of control.

Why can't anyone get this right?

It was $200,000 over two years.

And they weren't tulips.

They were orchids from Namibia.

Well, Namibia

it in the butt, pal,

because the bottom line is,

it's Buttons or bust.

I'm screwed.

Everybody's a comedian.

Right then, what can I get you?

Oh, hello, Brad.

-So you work here too?

-Course I do.

Cost of living, mate,

can never have too many jobs.

You're telling me. I used to be

the face of Breitling,

Gucci, Constipate.

Exactly as it sounds.

Anyways, I'll have

a sparkling kombucha,

a pistachio quinoa power bowl,

and a side order of

organic kale,

low-alkaline please.

-Yeah, we don't have that.

-Which part?

Any of it.

Fine. I'll take your average,

run-of-the-mill sushi.

Thank you.

Hi, Brad.

Hello, teenage girl.

I'm in the pantomime. Cara.

-Of course you are.

-For the Gram.

Oh, God.

I wish I had a gram right now.

Listen, Brad, I just wanted

to apologise for yesterday

for being a bit rude.

It's just we don't have

much time to rehearse.

And you being five days late

wasn't exactly helpful.

I'm five days late?

Oh, like you didn't know that.

Of course not. 'Cause I'm not

supposed to be here.

My agent tricked me.

I'm supposed to be playing

Macbeth at the Globe.

Oh, well,

you'd freeze your t*ts off.

That place doesn't even

have a roof.

Okay. This was my chance to be

taken seriously as an actor.

And now that's

not gonna happen.

Pantomime is serious.

I'm starting to think you

might be a little serious.

You have a daughter,

don't you, Brad? Emma.

Yes. I may have Wikipedia-ed it.

Can you just imagine her looking

at you on the stage putting

massive smiles

on everyone's faces?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Not exactly the world's greatest

dad right now.

Kids are for life, Brad,

not just for Christmas.

And think of Stoneford too.

Do you honestly think

anyone's gonna care?

Er, hello. Look around.

So if you're thinking

of leaving us, Mr Mac,

better do so soon

'cause we'd need

to find another Buttons.

-What the hell is that?

-Sushi.

I googled it.

Well, it looks like you win.

I, Bradley Mac,

three-time Razzie nominee,

will be your Buttons.

-Bravo!

-Marvellous!

Hey,

it's dead flattering that, Brad.

Welcome to

the madhouse, darling.

-Who wants a gin?

-Brenda. Not now.

First things first.

I wanna start

with the motivational speech

between Buttons and Cinderella.

Er, sorry, darling...

Erm, motivational speech?

Yeah. Where he tells her

to stay strong

in the face of adversity.

I've done it a hundred times.

Remember? k*lling Time 2.

-I was four when that came out.

-Yeah, same.

All I have to do is get my head

in the character

and it should be smooth sailing

from there.

Absolutely, darling,

give us your best shot.

Oh, heavens. He's gonna go

all Method on us, Brenda.

He's not the only one.

Don't cry, Cinderella.

Your stepmother

and stepsister are mean

because that's their nature.

Things will get better.

You just have to believe.

And magic will happen.

Can I just, er,

stop you for a moment, Brad?

Too good? I don't want

to show up the others.

Almost too good. Yup.

Now, Brad, darling, you are

used to film where the camera

can give you

a lovely big close-up

with the microphone

and the edits.

Hey, I'm ready for my close-up,

Mr Mac.

No one's interested

in your muscles, Callum.

-Speak for yourself, love.

-Want a go on that?

But on stage,

it is completely different.

You have to project,

you have to go big.

I know that.

I know that.

Louder.

Louder.

-Okay. Big, big.

-Gorgeous.

And... action!

Don't cry, Cinderella!

Your stepmother and stepsisters

are mean to you

because it's their nature!

Things will get better!

Something like that?

-Mm-hmm. Mm.

-We're screwed.

Grace.

How's my favourite ex-wife?

Oh, what do you care?

Now, listen,

you can pick Emma up tomorrow.

You should consider yourself

very lucky.

-Tomorrow?

-Yes.

And do not

let her down this time.

What do you mean, this time?

Oh, come on, Brad.

Forget the Oscars.

You are literally first in line

for Worst parent

of the Year award.

Some parents are just

so selfish, aren't they?

What the...?

-I'll be there.

-Good.

Oh, Brad, I'm so sorry, mate.

Come here.

-Don't.

-Yeah, no, fair enough.

-We've been broken into.

-What?

Yeah.

Your suite's been ransacked.

Why don't you just get me

another room with a bigger lock?

I would love to, but we,

we are chock full of Santas

and we're the only hotel

in town.

Well then, Mr Mac, you'd better

come and stay at my place.

Thank you, Albert.

But I don't want to put you out.

Oh, it's fine.

We'll find a way

to squeeze you in.

I could bring whatever's

left of your stuff.

Thanks, Nigel.

Yeah, you're welcome, mate.

Stay safe.

Wow. It was

very thoughtful of you, Alby.

Hey, Albert, please.

Really like

the electric car too.

Very green of you.

What's all this?

This is my life, my whole life.

Huh.

You're upstairs.

Er, first floor.

-I've got a question.

-The answer is yes.

Madly in love with each other,

but no,

neither of them has a clue.

I'll get it.

-Yeah.

-I'll get it.

Right. Brad.

Dare I say, we're gonna

attempt to put you in.

-God help us.

-Fine.

Just remember,

I don't do my own stunts.

You don't do your own stunts.

Got it.

Right. To save time,

we're gonna divvy up

some your lines to other people.

I'm a light tenor.

How about you?

A little heavier,

but I can sing.

Jill, is this a good time

to tell you

that I can actually sing

and I'm a pretty good dancer?

Of course you are.

Callum.

It's the most

wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling

and everyone telling you

Be of good cheer

It's the most

wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest

season of all

With those holiday greetings

and g*y happy meetings

When friends come to call

It's the most

wonderful time of the year

There'll be parties

for hosting

Marshmallows for toasting

And carolling out

in the snow

There'll be

scary ghost stories

And tales of the glories of

Christmases long, long ago

It's the most

wonderful time of the year

There'll be much mistletoeing

and hearts will be glowing

When loved ones are near

It's the most

wonderful time

Yes, the most

wonderful time

Oh, the most wonderful time

Of the year

Bravo!

It's the most

wonderful time

It's the most

wonderful time

It's the most wonderful time

of the year

Ah, this is gonna be

our best panto ever.

Yeah, that was supposed

to be my song.

Oh, Russell,

darling, don't worry.

You can take a lead

on another one.

Yeah. Only if I get to pick.

I'd like to do

Engelbert Humperdink's

Only With a Man Without Love.

Hmm.

That'll really get them going.

It used to, darling.

Izzy. What's going on?

Oh, no.

It's all right, Brad.

We don't have to do this.

Do what?

Well, I know you like to date

your co-stars, but seriously,

you're old enough

to be my granddad.

Wow.

Wow.

Truth is,

I was just gonna ask you

what's going on

between you and Callum.

Oh, oh, sorry.

That, erm,

well, nothing, I guess.

Every year we do the panto

and every year we just

sort of grow apart.

Too much brawn,

not enough brains.

I hate those guys.

Well, at least I now know

what I need to ask Santa for.

What, brains?

No. Something to

stuff your stocking with.

It's double entendre.

You're getting it.

No, you're getting it

from Callum.

Too much?

Bren, darling.

What's the matter?

It's my digs.

I've been broken into.

No, not another one.

Digs is what they call the

accommodation actors stay in.

Gosh. Thanks, Gillian.

Hey, don't call me Gillian.

Stoneford just isn't

what it was.

I mean,

we were a community once.

Now look,

blighted by petty crime.

Yeah, we all know

who's behind that.

How else can he drive that car?

Hey, Kieran!

Leave him, Brenda, please.

I don't know why you

are sticking up for him.

Jill.

Jill, that ex-husband

of yours is a bad 'un

if ever there was one.

Right then,

who's getting this round?

Are you serious?

You work here too?

Yeah.

Cough up, rich boy.

Oh, 200 grand for orchids.

It was a hundred grand a year

and they were from Namibia.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Another round

for everybody on me.

Well,

I'll see you tomorrow I guess.

Yeah. Not too many late night

bars around here, are there?

Around here?

Nah. I do have a bottle of wine

in the fridge though.

Oh. Erm...

Mind you, hey, carbs in it.

Right. Gotta look after

the temple.

Yeah.

Here he is.

-Oi, oi!

-Stoneford's action hero.

Look at him. Look.

Come on then, show us

some of your moves, huh?

The only need is me.

I don't want any trouble.

Come on.

Course you don't. You know why?

'Cause you're a little

scaredy cat, ain't you?

You couldn't even block that...

No wonder

you ended up in this dump.

-You're a hopeless loser.

-Go home, Kieran. Now.

I'm having a laugh, Jill.

Let's go, boys.

Jill.

I'll see you tomorrow, Brad.

Never do nothing right.

All you have to do

is stand up for yourself.

Huh?

Hey!

-Stay where you are! Stop!

-Leg it!

Somebody stop them!

What's going on?

He's behind you.

Don't come any closer.

Ah, me sole!

- Stay down.

- Mate, you saved us!

I got it all on video too.

Well done, sir. Nice one.

Thank you.

Arms behind your back. Police.

We've got

his accomplice as well.

Looks like the Stoneford

crime spree's over.

Hang on a minute, aren't you...?

I am.

I think I broke it.

247 to base. You'll never guess

who I've just seen.

247. Surprise me.

Hollywood movie star Brad Mac

put his trademark action moves

into action last night.

Not on some

Hollywood studio lot,

but here in the sleepy town

of Stoneford in England.

Mr Mac may not

have been kung fu fighting,

but his unusual routine

is said to have been

inspired by this,

Stoneford's Theatre Royal,

where in just

a few days' time,

Brad Mac takes to the stage

as Buttons in Cinderella.

Here he is! Here he is!

Oh, Mr Mac, can I ask

exactly what happened?

Well, I think I did what

any concerned citizen would do.

Er, I saw two men trying to rob

a home and I chased them.

And apprehended them?

No, the police did that.

But I like to think that

I did my part.

Two men are now in custody.

It turns out they were part of

a criminal g*ng that have been

targeting towns

in the local area.

Police are confident

that further arrests

will follow and that the g*ng's

crime spree

has been put to a stop.

All thanks to you, Brad Mac.

How's the panto going?

Oh, great.

Thank you for asking.

Thank you. Erm, yeah, strength

to strength like my career.

And if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go spend the rest of

the day with my daughter.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mr Mac?

Quick, Brenda,

why don't you tell them

about your one night encounter

with Ozzy Osborne in 1985?

Oh, with pleasure.

-Spencer.

-Grace!

Spider-Man's here.

Wasn't in Spider-Man.

No? I wouldn't know.

I don't watch mainstream movies.

I prefer C inma Franais.

I like French films.

Move, Spencer.

Dad, you finally made it!

Oh, sweetheart,

I am so happy to see you.

We're gonna

have a fabulous day, okay?

When do you need her back?

Oh, after lunch is fine.

Well, that's not gonna give us

a lot of time.

After lunch on Monday.

Three whole days!

Yeah!

Can Daddy talk with Mummy

privately please?

Come on, let's.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

I can't do three days.

I'm rehearsing.

I'm sure you can get one of your

little minions to sort it out.

Okay, Grace.

Minions are cartoons.

Everyone knows that.

No, no, no.

Tough, tough, tough.

We are going to Paris because,

newsflash, we are exhausted.

Yeah. I only get a bonus

four times a year.

Okay. Newsflash, Spencer,

your bonus is $25,000 a month

I pay her in alimony.

Grace, you cannot

spring this on me.

You haven't seen her

twice in the last two years.

This is finally your chance.

-I'm working.

-You're always working.

You're a big boy.

Figure it out.

Well, kiddo, looks like it's

you and me for three whole days.

-Where are we going?

-To the North, me little mucker.

-Dad!

-I know.

Come on.

So this is it.

-Stoneford Theatre Royal.

-You're in a pantomime?

-Yeah. Sorry.

-What do you mean, sorry?

I love panto.

You do?

But why are you so young?

Is it set in the past?

How dare you!

Ah!

I wanna introduce you

to a man named Albert. Come on.

Oh, hello, Emma.

My name's Albert.

Yeah, well, come on in, love.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Wow.

Talk about a hint of colour.

I like it.

Yeah, we should

probably close it up.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

Happens wherever I go.

Dad?

It's December.

You're right.

Thank you.

It's that awful man

from those dreadful films.

-Brad. Hi.

-Gillian.

-Jill!

-Big fan of your work.

Oh, thank you very much.

This is my daughter Emma.

This is my daughter Cara

and her friend Bella.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

Do you wanna go

and grab hot chocolates?

-Yeah, sure. Dad?

-Yeah, of course.

-I'll catch up.

-Great. Let's go.

Jill. Can I have a word?

So Emma's here

all weekend, right?

But we're rehearsing.

And I'm really scared that

she's just gonna be so bored.

Don't worry.

Cara can look out for her.

-Really?

-Yeah.

She can hang out with

all the kids backstage and then

we'll get her on the stage

for that big ballroom scene.

Oh, my God.

That sounds fantastic.

You are a lifesaver.

Whoa.

Actually, Brad,

I have a favour to ask you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

On Monday,

the school's holding an event.

The choir

will be singing carols.

-There's a tombola.

-Is that like Ebola?

Not quite.

One's an African disease.

Erm, then there'll be

a prize-giving,

like fun things,

like Best Christmas jumper.

What?

Oh, no, jumper means sweater.

Oh, thank God.

Little dark for Christmas,

right? Aha. Splat.

So we were hoping

someone real famous

might wanna hand out the prizes.

Yeah, I'll do it.

What's the fee?

Er, cup of tea and a bourbon.

Huh. You're cute.

I don't drink when I work.

Hot nuts.

Come and get your hot nuts!

-Nigel. Don't you sleep?

-Of course not, mate.

-On the house.

-Thank you.

Hot nuts.

Warm your hands on me hot nuts.

One and two and three

and four and five.

- Ah.

- Okay. Stop. Stop.

I want Prince Charming,

but it's a bit Prince Alarming.

Sorry, Izzy. Got two left feet.

Toned feet, but...

No, it's me. Really.

Callum, do you mind?

Jill, may I?

-From the top.

-Right. Okay. Watch and learn.

Oh.

Bravo, Jill!

Brenda, please.

I wasn't even warmed up.

All right, my darlings.

Back to the top.

Keep the snow

and sleigh rides

Come on, let's go!

Keep the gifts beneath

the tree

Oh, this is the best!

Come on, hurry up!

-Jill.

-Thank you.

Yeah, come on! Let's go!

'Cause all I ever wanted

Was nothing I got and

Santa, can't you hear me?

Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh

I don't need a thing

I sent a letter to you

On how to make my dreams come

true, yeah, yeah

What I want for Christmas

Hasn't come

and I've been so blue

Tell me, what can I do?

Oh, yeah

Keep the mistletoe

Keep the mistletoe

Unless below is what I need

What I need

Santa, can't you hear me?

Santa, can't you hear me?

Yes!

You was amazing today.

You were too.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

Great.

Good morning, Albert.

Yeah. Morning, Brad.

How's young Emma doing?

She's good, thank you.

I think she's really

enjoying herself.

Ah.

She'll be down in a minute.

-May I?

-Yeah, of course.

Yes, of course.

Wow.

Albert,

can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

When did she pass? Your wife?

Emma and I saw

the dresses upstairs.

My husband passed

nine years ago.

New Year's Eve, in fact.

On stage.

Malcolm and I were

pantomime dames.

Rivals at first.

But, er, 1979 we got

asked to work together.

Cinderella, Oldham Coliseum.

He was a c*ck little thing.

I suppose

that's why I liked him.

Cheeky, like you.

We toured every year.

Made all our own frocks.

Birmingham, Newcastle.

Hull.

Nottingham.

Until 1992.

What made you stay in Stoneford?

Oh, we were so damn popular,

they put us in every year.

Most pantomimes

have one dame, you see?

But here, there were always two.

And people in the town,

oh, God, they loved us.

We couldn't go anywhere.

Year round, autographs.

Then selfies.

The Stoneford Christmas lights.

Until that Christmas.

Last show of the year.

Poor Malcolm.

As the final curtain fell,

he was out like a light himself.

I never went on stage again.

Albert, I'm so sorry.

Why do you work the stage door?

You don't need the money.

Theatre's not about money, lad.

Theatre's about

love, passion, people.

I devoted my whole life to it

and I haven't regretted it

for one single moment.

Come on, Dad.

Let's get you to rehearsals.

Good morning, Albert.

Good morning, my dear.

Thank you, Albert.

Thank you.

Take care.

You are a complete

waste of space, Buttons.

I have no idea why we pay you.

But you don't pay me,

Baron Hardup.

- That's because I am hard up.

- Oh, matron.

Yeah. Why do you

need money anyway, Buttons?

Yeah, that's right.

We all thought:

The only need is me!

What?

Why else would you be

k*lling time in panto land?

Yeah, we're not

in Hollywood now,

-are we, Buttons?

-Yeah, that's right.

Has anyone seen your career?

It's behind you.

Why are you

saying that? Stop it.

I know, darling.

It's just topical jokes.

It's the same with

the star turn in every panto.

Just a little light ribbing,

dear.

Well, I'm proud

of those films, okay,

so you can take that out now.

What are you gonna do? Quit?

I don't think so, ducky.

Oh, that's right.

Swan off to your agent.

What agent?

Oh, he's gone.

Oh, Mr Mac.

Mr Mac.

-Sign out, Mr Mac.

-Wait!

Miss Mac.

Miss Mac!

Dad.

Emma, please just

go back inside. Okay?

No. I'm starting to think that

Mum was right about you.

-All you care about is yourself.

-What?

She says

you keep trying to run away.

I didn't really

understand until now.

That's not true, okay?

It's not fair.

Come back in,

okay, for me, please.

Hey.

Ah.

I really want to thank you for

making me come back inside.

You know, I wanna do this play

because of you

and I think I really had fun.

You were really good, Dad.

Thank you.

Salted caramel surprise?

What's the surprise?

Erm, soft in the centre.

Ha, ha, ha.

Maybe they could go

a little easier on me

with the jokes about my career.

They were really funny.

I might be being

oversensitive about this,

but I just don't think

that I'm ready to start joking

about the career

I'm about to lose.

What are you

talking about, Brad?

The jokes only work

because you are a star.

It's a thing we do in England.

It's called taking the piss.

Now come on, it's time for

the school prize-giving.

Not quite the Oscars,

but we should get going.

You ready?

Deck the halls with

boughs of holly

Fa la la la la la, la la la

Mr Mac, this is an honour.

-Martin. The head.

-Pleasure.

-Mulled wine.

-Actually...

It's a British tradition,

Mr Mac.

Well, German. But still.

Hey, Cara.

Why don't you show Emma around.

Thank you.

Gonna earn my keep.

Good luck.

Hello, Stoneford!

Today I'd like to welcome

Hollywood actor Brad Mac,

who is here to

present our Christmas awards.

Now, it's so important

that children be inspired

by the theatre.

That's why our students

take their annual trip

to London to see

the best theatre

this country has to offer.

Macbeth at Shakespeare's Globe.

Emma.

Still, if you're

looking for something

a little more fun

this Christmas,

be sure to catch Mr Mac

in Stoneford's

Christmas pantomime.

Now, shall we get

the prize-giving underway?

Let's get things started with

this year's highly coveted prize

for most improved attendance.

-And the winner is...

-Where's my daughter?

Grace?

Emma's around here somewhere.

-Jill.

-Who? Who's Jill?

Because you know, she was meant

to be home at 12 o'clock

and your phone is off

and it's half past three.

-I was rehearsing.

-Because the hotel said you left

and I can't get a hold

of your agent

because actually it turns out

you don't have

an agent anymore.

-Mum.

-Oh, darling.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, okay.

Sweetheart,

we're gonna go to London now.

Grace, please don't do this.

We're having

such a good time, right, Em?

I'm going

to be in the pantomime.

No, no, no, no.

That's not something

to be proud of, Em.

What is it that we say about

pantomimes, Spencer? What the...

Lowest common

denominator entertainment.

Well, that's not true.

They're hugely popular.

That's good you're

popular somewhere, eh, Brad?

Come on, let's go.

-I don't want to.

-I'm sorry?

I want to stay with Dad.

Your father abandoned you, Emma.

So he could stay in Hollywood

and make sequel after sequel,

and buy orchid after orchid.

He promised.

But your father makes

a lot of promises,

Emma, promises he always breaks.

So, no, you will

not be in the pantomime.

He probably won't even make it

to opening night, will you?

So, come on, let's go.

Grace, please just stop.

This is not fair.

We both agreed

that Emma would stay with you

because you told me

that's what was best for her,

and now I'm just

starting to think

that that's what's best for you.

I get it. I've been a bad dad.

Okay?

Thoughtless, selfish. Emma.

I promise that stops now.

I will never run away

from you again.

Most improved attendance.

It's ironic.

Mr Mac.

- Rachel McDonald.

- She's not here.

Not again.

How are you?

Read that.

'From Hero to Zero.

Washed-up B-list movie star

ends career with not a bang,

but a whimper.'

Where did this come from?

My ex-agent didn't like

the good press

that I was getting,

so she gave them

an alternative narrative.

I was hoping that coming here

would change my life

and boy has it,

it's made it worse.

Come on, cheer up.

Things will get better.

No, not for me. Not here.

I'm done.

I'm going home.

I don't care what it costs.

And what about us?

This is our life here, Brad.

This is who we are.

If you run away and leave us

in the lurch, we are the ones

who end up paying the price.

I'm being humiliated, Jill.

But look at Albert on stage door

putting you up for nowt.

Cassandra, holding your hand

through every step

of the process.

And then me.

Muggins. Along for the ride.

Okay. Forget it.

Because

it's all about you, Brad.

'Cause that's how

it's always been.

Your wife's right.

Ex-wife.

Yeah. I'm not surprised.

Bar person,

one more for the road.

Oh, where's Nigel?

It's his day off.

Oh.

Only joking.

As if I'd get a day off.

Anyway, mate,

you want to take it easy.

Yeah, you've gotta turn on

the Christmas lights.

What do you think

I'm dressed for?

Hello.

Ich bin...

German.

Jesus.

Brenda, you're a connoisseur.

of fine liquid entertainment.

The biggest turnout

we've had

for a Christmas light switch

on ever.

I think you might

have had enough.

Welcome to the stage

the mayor of Stoneford!

It worked for Burton.

So let's give

the cast of Cinderella

a huge Stoneford wel--

Thank you, Mr Mayor.

Hello, Stoneford.

Oi, Buttons!

Gonna have another meltdown?

-Shut up, you loser.

-Ooh.

I'm Bradley Mac-- Ow!

So that's how it is now.

I'm just a joke to you all.

Spiderman's here.

Okay.

-How's this for laughs?

-Whoa!

I can be funny.

Son of a b*tch!

I can be the clown.

You're fired.

It seems like the only thing

I can't be is a good actor.

-Something like that?

-We're screwed.

Good father.

You are literally first in line

for worst parent

of the year award.

-Even a good person.

-But he promised.

But your father makes

a lot of promises, Emma.

Promises he always breaks.

- Anyone seen your career?

- It's behind you.

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?!

You want a villain?

I'll be your villain.

Yeah.

Here's this.

Merry Christmas.

Mr Mac. You are under arrest.

And before you ask, yep,

community police officer.

Help me up.

Yeah.

Mr Mac.

I'm up. I'm up.

I need to talk to my lawyer.

They've been contacted.

They want you to know

they're on the way.

When are they getting here?

No idea.

Er, listen, do you mind

if I have a selfie?

Sure.

Cheers.

Oh. Smile.

Cheers.

Are you all right?

No.

Yesterday I had everything.

Friends, a job.

My daughter loved me.

And I screwed it all up.

What's gonna happen now?

Well, you're up

in front of the magistrates

Wednesday morning,

and normally you'd remain in

police custody until then.

However, on this occasion,

a respectable member

of the community

has come forward

and vouched for you,

so we're happy to release you

into their care

until the hearing.

A respectable member

of the community?

Yeah.

Hey, sorry

about what I said at the pub.

Well, you're probably right.

Whatever it is you said.

Officer.

Downstairs.

I'll make us a brew.

Oh...

I was so stupid.

When Grace took her away,

the way she looked at me.

I'll never get it outta my head.

She was so disappointed.

She'll understand.

In time.

That's the thing. With Emma,

I'm running out of time.

If I'm convicted

and I get a record,

they won't let me back

in the country.

It'll be years

before I can see her again.

I'm spiralling downward

and I don't know why.

'Cause this pantomime,

with Albert and Emma,

even the ugly sisters,

this is the best time I've

ever had and it's 'cause of you.

Thanks.

-Cara. Cara!

-She's out.

You're not supposed

to have a key, Kieran.

I just wanna

see my daughter, Jill.

Well, she's not here,

so you gotta leave.

-Got him here with you?

-It's not what you think.

Since when you care

about what I think?

I wanna take Carla

down to London with me.

No, the pantomime is

opening tomorrow night.

-You promised.

-Yeah.

That was when

your head was straight

and not full of all this

Hollywood rubbish.

She's my daughter as well, Jill.

She's my daughter as well.

Only days ago I was standing

outside Stoneford Theatre Royal.

But there's a rather

different stage set for today.

Stoneford Courthouse,

where the fate of Brad Mac

and the local pantomime

will be decided.

Sweetheart, you sure

you're not gonna join us?

I don't think I can face it

and I have to fetch

Cara from ballet.

So I'll just

meet you here later.

What if Brad goes down?

Then you'll have to get

Pierce Brosnan on the phone.

Alright, darling, see you later.

Brad's fearsome legal team

flew in overnight

on an actual private jet

from Hollywood.

That's right, carbon destroyers,

but hopefully

not career destroyers.

Back to you in the studio.

We got this, Brad. Fear not.

You know I'm the best

defence lawyer in California.

I'm also the cheapest.

-Really?

-Oh, no, no.

I'm just making a joke

to lighten things up.

All rise.

Will the defendant please stand.

Mr Theobald Washington,

you have been charged...

Objection.

Who the hell

is Theobald Washington?

That's my real name.

Theobald.

For real?

You chose Brad Mac?

I chose Bradley Apollo McDonald.

Oh.

Carry on, Basil.

...with the destruction

of city property and being

drunk and disorderly in public.

-How do you plead?

-Not guilty.

Well done, Brad!

Silence!

Thank you.

Your Honour,

my name is Sukie Huntington III

from the Los Angeles Law firm of

Brown, Johnson, Klein, Robinson,

Ashwell, Lopez, and...

erm, oh, yeah, me, Huntington.

Proceed.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury--

Er, this is a magistrate court,

Miss Huntington.

There's no jury.

It's Ms. I'm divorced.

Just like this court.

Divorced from reality.

For my client has numerous

mitigating circumstances.

Not only is he a celebrity,

he is also a member

of a minority.

Which minority

are you referring to?

He's American, Your Honour.

Mr Magistrate, can I please

say a few words?

If you must.

Two weeks ago, I didn't even

know Stoneford existed.

And then someone will throw

a plate of shaving foam

directly into your face.

And then...

Mr Brosnan? Mr Brosnan?

I certainly didn't know

what a pantomime was.

Er, so to find myself on stage

playing Buttons in Cinderella

came as quite a shock.

That's not an excuse

for losing control.

More my attempt

at an explanation.

You have to let him off,

Your Honour.

The Panto needs Brad Mac.

Stoneford needs Brad Mac.

Don't be too hard on him,

Your Honour.

Yeah, that's our job.

Don't bang up Buttons!

Don't bang up Buttons!

Don't bang up Buttons!

Don't bang up Buttons!

Silence!

I've had quite enough

of this nonsense.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Oh, yes I... have. Enough!

You're turning this courtroom

into a pantomime,

and this case into a joke.

Pantomime is not a joke,

Your Honour.

Excuse me?

The pantomime.

It's not a joke.

The Christmas pantomime

brings entire

communities together,

young and old.

For the young people,

it's probably

the first time

they'll ever see a theatre.

And for the older people

in the community, like myself,

it gives us a chance

to reconnect with the young ones

through a shared smile

or a laugh.

Besides, the Christmas pantomime

makes enough money

to keep Stoneford's theatre

going all year round.

Without the pantomime,

the theatre would

probably close

and be gone forever.

Thank you, Mr Mac.

Can I please

just say one more thing?

I know you think

the panto is silly,

and in places it is, by design.

But I beg you

to come see Cinderella,

not just to see what's happening

on stage, but to look around

at the faces of the audience.

You'll see something that's

so special, so rare.

You'll see pure joy.

And at the end of the day,

Your Honour,

isn't that what Christmas

is supposed to be about?

Nice words, Mr Mac, but shall we

get back to the matter in hand?

Yes, sir.

And I have no intention

of banging up Buttons.

I never have.

The crimes he's charged with

aren't even jailable.

Really?

Public intoxication, 200 pounds.

Justice at last!

For heaven's sake, clear off.

My daughter,

he's got my daughter!

Oh, no, he hasn't!

What is wrong with you?

It's Kieran.

He's got Cara.

Jill, I'm here for you.

Whatever you need.

This way.

No, this way.

No, Brad.

It's literally this way.

I'm tracking his phone.

Nigel, we need your help

to save Cara.

You got it, boss.

-Everybody in.

-Come on. Hurry up.

Can you go a bit faster?

He's heading for the motorway.

Emma, darling,

time for your pottery class.

Emma?

Emma. Emma!

She's gone.

She's gone.

Spencer, get the car!

We're going to Stoneford!

Brad, I just want to say

I'm very grateful

that you're doing this.

Of course, we're friends.

-Cara could be dead.

-Dead?

-Dead?

-What?

I thought it was

only a custody battle.

Somebody say custard?

'Cause custody. No? No.

We've left Cassandra behind.

A part in next year's pantomime.

-Are you serious?

-Absolutely, darling.

I mean, that would be wonderful.

I've always thought there

might be a pantomime in me.

And I've always

thought the same about a judge.

Mm-hmm.

That's his car.

Everybody stay here.

Cara.

Cara.

Cara.

Cara! Cara! Cara!

What's all the shouting about?

Where's her daughter?

What do you mean?

Tell me

where her daughter is, now.

What are you talking about?

Stop screwing around, Kieran,

or so help me God.

Or what? You gonna go

and get your stuntman?

Yah!

What are you doing?

Get him, Brad!

What are you doing?

That's humiliating.

Ooh!

Ooh!

-Why are we doing this?

-Because you kidnapped Cara.

What are you talking about?

I just dropped her

at the train station.

What? Train...

Where is she going?

Nowhere. She said

she had to meet a friend.

Yeah, I don't believe you.

I heard you tell Jill

you were taking her to London.

I was.

It's my turn

to have her this year.

Promised her

she could do the pantomime.

I didn't wanna

disappoint her. So...

I'm a crap dad to Cara

and I was a crap husband

to Jill.

You're not a crap dad, okay.

You're there for her.

That's a lot better

than I can say for myself

over the last five years.

One thing

I learnt here in Stoneford,

life isn't gonna go

the way you want it.

It is what it is

and you cannot run away from it.

You just have to embrace it

for all its unpredictability

with everything you've got.

Well, you know,

Cara was doing the panto and...

I would love to

see her on stage, if it's okay.

Of course.

Oh, crap, we gotta go.

Oh...

Cara went to see a friend,

she'll meet us at the theatre.

Let's go!

Driving home for Christmas

Oh, I can't wait to see

those faces

I'm driving home

for Christmas, yeah

I'm moving down the line

It's been so long

But I will be there

I sing this song

To pass the time away

Driving in my car

Driving home for Christmas

Gonna take some time

but I'll get there

You're a big movie star, Mr Mac.

Isn't the role of Buttons

a small part

for someone of your stature?

Well, I'll quote

the great Stanislavski.

There are no small parts,

just small actors.

And how are you enjoying

your time in Stoneford?

-Dad!

-Emma! Excuse me. Sweetheart!

-What are you doing here?

-Mum!

I snuck out of the house

and took the train.

Cara met me at the station.

Oh, sweetheart,

I'm so happy to see you,

but you're 12 years old.

You cannot take a train across

the country by yourself, okay?

Next time, just call me.

Come here.

I see you're getting the hang

of proper parenting.

Better late than never.

Oh, on that subject,

it's time to get into costume.

-Ready?

-Show time.

It's my first theatre.

Once upon a time

in a magical land...

Oh, that must be Buttons.

My oldest and dearest friend.

I can always rely on Buttons.

I said,

I can always rely on Buttons!

Has anyone seen...

You'll do fine.

Needed the lipstick.

One, two, three.

Buttons!

Don't worry, mate.

She's been k*lling time.

-Cinderella.

-Hmm?

I have a secret.

A secret.

What is it?

Well, a secret's something

you tell someone

that you don't want

anyone else to know.

I'd stick to movies, mate.

Do yourself a favour

and shut your mouth.

I almost forgot my big run-up.

Ooh.

I do my own stunts now.

Just like the other big stars.

Whoo!

They're booing you, Fanny.

They're booing you.

You shan't go to the ball,

Cinderella.

You shan't,

you shan't, you shan't.

Yeah, rip it, rip it.

All you have to do is believe

and magic will happen.

You shall go to the ball,

Cinderella.

Tell you what, mate, there'll be

somebody good looking in here

you can have a little chat with.

Let's see if we can

find a good-looking fella.

Let's have a little look

for a good looking fella, we can

find a good-looking fella.

-See if we can find a...

-Has to be a good-looking fella.

-A good-looking fella.

-Has to be a good-looking fella.

Oh, you sir. You, sir.

Can you see

any good-looking fellas in here?

Pop it on. The doctor says

I've got the feet of an athlete.

No, he said you've got

athlete's foot, it's different.

-Toes are curled.

-Look at those chubby feet.

Hey, you can't say chubby.

That's-- your fattist.

I think you're the fattest.

Sorry about this, Your Highness.

-Yes!

-Oh!

-So we didn't get our prince.

-Never mind.

Who's ready for the big finale?

Thanks, everybody.

We'll see you later. Bye!

I used to bite my tongue

and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat

and make a mess

So I sat quietly

Agreed politely

Guess that I forgot I had

the choice

I let you push me

past my breaking point

I stood for nothing

So I fell for everything

You held me down,

but I got up

Already brushing off

the dust

You hear my voice

You hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake

the ground

You held me down,

but I got up

Get ready 'cause

I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger

A fighter, dancing through

the fire

'Cause I am a champion

And you're going

to hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion

And you're going

to hear me roar

You're gonna hear me roar

You're gonna hear me roar

Roar, roar, roar

Roar, roar

I got the eye of the tiger

A fighter, dancing

through the fire

'Cause I am a champion

And you're going

to hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion

And you're going

to hear me roar

You're going to

hear me roar

You're going to

hear me roar

So...

Look, I'm no good

at talking about feelings

and stuff like that.

Shut up.

Wow.

My God.

My hands are still shaking.

Darlings, you were marvellous!

Thank you, Albert.

That means the world to me.

Coming from a true panto legend.

You both were.

Well, that's it.

From here on in,

I'm only doing pantomime.

I loved it.

Well that's good 'cause you

still got 49 more shows to go.

What? Are you insane?

Forty-nine more shows?

I can't do that.

Just kidding.

I can't wait.

Brad, wonderful work today.

It's a k*lling field 7.

Oh, the brake went down.

Sorry. No, I can't...

Buttons.

There you are.

If all else fails,

just dramatically faint.

Really?

-You've missed a bit.

-Oh, God.

She's not even good at cleaning.

-Oh, she's rubbish.

-Oh, ugly as well.

-Ugh.

-Ugh.

And you've sweeped,

it's in my direction!

I've got allergies!

Look at the state of her.

Oh, I'm triggered.

She triggered me.

Again, not exactly sure

what's happening.

Show me what?

That was much better, wasn't it?

Ooh. Mmm. Mmm.

What's happened to Brenda?

We've left Cara behind.

Cassandra, Cassandra.

Katy Perry just called.

She said, I wanna see it again.

I'm gonna fly to Stoneford.

-Mmm.

-Oh, no.

Oh, no, behave!

Whoo!

I wanna have your babies, Brad.

That was marvellous.

Why are we doing this?

Because they're paying us.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Finally, a blooper

you can't use.