[logo chimes]
[bluesy electric guitar]
[upbeat rock music]
[tyres screech]
- Why do you interfere.
- Jo, why do you fight me?
We're allies.
- Patrick, you are a sad,
strange little man.
And you have my pity.
- Complete and utter sh*t.
Solid gold sh*t.
Tugg Speedman. I'm...I'm
just not the biggest fan.
- A father with money and an
idiot with an expensive habit.
The transition from
drugs to movie making
has been glorious for us.
- The problem with Tugg Speedman
movies are his endings.
- Well, it's not
just the endings.
We even got shortchanged
on the nudity.
Esme Presley used a body double.
- Hmm.
- I've just had a thought.
What do you think if I asked
you to present the awards?
- Oh, Gabriel, let
me stop you there.
I'm not presenting these awards.
- Well, that would be a mistake.
A missed opportunity for you,
Will the farmer.
It's on brand.
- Gabriel, your little festival.
It's a low rent nightmare.
Whatever bullshit you've done
to get this accredited by
the academy, it's a win here.
Honestly, I don't
want to be part of it
when it all goes t*ts up.
- It's all showbiz, Will.
And you are one of the greats.
This is an opportunity
that should be
grabbed with both hands.
- Gabriel, please.
Please don't bullshit me.
- Put on a show, Will.
Razzle dazzle 'em.
It will be you that
they'll remember.
- I don't want to
present an award
to a sh*t Tarantino wannabe,
Tugg Speedman.
- Truth is stranger
than fiction, Will.
Look, um.
Why don't you stay?
Listen to the key speaker talk
and then see how you feel.
- Do you know what?
[coughing]
I don't feel well, Gabriel.
- It's funny, isn't it?
If you've got a tractor,
you're a farmer.
If you don't, you're
just a gardener.
- Do you know what?
I am not sitting here
listening to that.
- Oh,
- Gabriel? Are you all right?
[Gabriel groans]
[bagpipes playing]
- Hello.
Well hello, Giggles.
I didn't know we were gonna
be a threesome tonight.
- What's the point
in having a phone
if you don't read your messages?
- Oh, sh*t.
Sorry. No, I've been
avoiding my dad all day, so.
Urrgh, phone.
- I'm breaking up with you.
- Okay.
- It's not you.
- It's your dad.
- Huh?
- Not in that way.
Just the way he controls
everything you do.
- Uh.
I'm waiting for the
punch line here,
but I'm sensing it's not coming.
Look...My dad is just my dad.
Like I'm my own boss.
[message chimes]
Okay, but that is
five unread messages,
which I'm not going to read.
- I'm with Giggles.
- Caroline.
I thought we were going
to make a movie together.
- I think we're both
done with that.
- You know...You know what?
I think I'm just gonna...
[gentle music]
Oh, God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
[phone rings]
Dad!
- Where have you been?
He's having a heart attack.
- Will the farmer?
And a cow jumped over the moon.
No, dad.
- Gabriel, everything's
gonna be okay.
Alan's here now.
- Listen to me, son.
Do you want to make
it in his business
or fold shirts at the
Chinese laundromat?
Pledge.
- Um, how sure are we that
this was a heart attack?
Uh, it's not...
the film festival.
- The film festival goes ahead.
You're in charge.
- Gabriel, talk about
this at the hospital.
Where is this ambulance?
- Ambulance is on the way.
No! Dad! Dad!
Cancel the film festival.
- Alan,
I am not willing
to donate a kidney,
but I am willing to
watch you die slowly
if you're looking for
that kind of thing.
- Huh.
Um.
- Any idea what
you're going to do?
- Uh, no, no, Will, I don't.
- Well, good luck
with everything.
Um, Will the farmer to
present best picture.
- Oh.
[bright music]
Somebody I'm not
I don't wanna be
somebody I'm not
Standing in the shoes
of someone I'm not
I don't wanna be
somebody I'm not
Standing in my shoes
I got this feeling that
I'm always gonna lose
I guess I know someday
I'm gonna have to choose
Cause I don't
wanna hide away
Yeah yeah
Somebody I'm not
I don't wanna be
somebody I'm not
Standing in the shoes
of someone I'm not
Cause I don't wanna
be somebody I'm not
Standing in the line
And never knowing when
it's gonna be my time
I got so much inside
I really wanna shine
Cause I don't
wanna hide away
Yeah yeah
Somebody I'm not
I don't wanna be
somebody I'm not
standing in the shoes
of someone I'm not
Cause I don't wanna
be somebody I'm not
So it goes
Seems like I'm running back
But, oh you know
it's like I'm stuck in time
Somebody I'm not
I don't wanna be
somebody I'm not
Standing in the shoes
of somebody I'm not
I don't wanna be
- You know, think I'm gonna
faint if we don't eat soon?
- There's a Costa, Starbucks
back at the station.
- I can get those anywhere.
I need authentic
Edinburgen food.
I don't know if
it's an actual word,
but it is now anyway.
- Um, there's a greasy spoon
three blocks from here.
Authentic Scottish cafe it says.
- Perfect word.
I'm gonna use it in a sentence.
- I just did.
[bright music]
- Where are all these Scottish
brutes have been told about?
- You're going to
cop a flower pot
if you don't move them trotters?
- At her butt. Oh my God.
- Are you sure?
- Of course.
she's got no reason
to lie, has she?
- Can we go home then?
- Alan's sorting it out.
- That can't be good.
- Come on.
How's it going?
- Uh, a few technical issues.
Uh, but then again,
it's an old laptop,
so it probably needs replacing.
- She means your dad, Alan.
- Oh, God.
Um, yeah, better, I think.
Uh, he left me a three-page
text message this morning
that he signed off with,
"And don't mess this up."
So, safe to say he's bet
the farm on this festival.
- It'll be fine.
- See, it's working
and gone again.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- He's f*cked.
- Will.
- Gabriel's on the mend.
That's good.
- Look. Will, I still
need a key speaker.
- It's check-out time for me.
- No, Will, please.
I'll give you anything, okay?
I have a kidney you can have.
It's barely been used.
- When you get chased by
a pack of taxidermists,
don't play dead.
[bright music]
- Uh, is there no one
here to meet us?
- It's fine,
we'll just grab a taxi.
- Did you not order
a car service?
- Oh. I'm sorry.
I'll just bung it on my
credit card, shall I?
There's no budget for this trip.
[Tugg sighs]
- Seriously?
[Alan breathing heavily]
- Good news or bad?
- My father would say
this is a challenge.
- So bad then
- Yeah, it's not good.
Uh, one of my key
speakers has pulled out.
He's got the flu.
One of the criteria for
qualifying for an Academy Award
is you must provide at
least two key speakers
to tell you movies are good.
[Alan groans]
- All right. Okay. It's fine.
Just breathe.
[Alan breathing heavily]
That's it.
Not the first guy to have
a panic attack on us.
- Look, if my dad
doesn't k*ll me,
Tugg Speedman will.
- God was a good movie.
The ending wasn't much, though.
- No. His father is
paying for the festival.
- You know this isn't
your fault, right?
- Yes, but my dad can
make it my fault.
- Right, first things last.
What's a key speaker?
- Oh, I don't know.
It's got to be an
actor or a celebrity.
Someone who can talk
about their experience
making movies with
the other filmmakers.
- Rachel.
- Oh, sh*t. Yeah, Rachel Warren.
- Who is Rachel Warren?
[paparazzi clamouring]
- [Pap] Rachel. Rachel.
Rachel.
- She did that stupid
werewolf movie with Jess.
It's in the festival.
- Can you get her?
- Yeah, I know her well.
- Sure she'd love to come
and be your celebrity.
- You have no idea
where we're going.
- Yes, I do.
It's this way. Come on.
We made a movie about Chinese
families in the 18th century.
- Stories about
mothers and daughters.
- This country makes no sense.
[speaking foreign language]
[speaking foreign language]
[indistinct background chatter]
- Oi!
Remember what we spoke about.
- Yeah, yeah, Dad.
No day drinking.
- Hi. We're Ashraf and...
- Milie.
- I thought we was
going with Millicent.
- We made 'Malicious intent.'
[heavy rock music]
- Do I think we can win?
f*ck, yeah.
Right, babe?
- Well, forget winning.
I mean, I'm just
here for the guys
with their sexy Scottish brogue.
I mean, I haven't
met any just yet,
but I did spot this guy
who looked a little bit like
Chris Hemsworth on the plane.
You know, the guy from Thor?
I mean, given the chance.
I'd do him until I was Thor.
- You do know I'm not one
of your pals, don't you?
You know I can't just
unhear this stuff.
- Oh, well.
- Not really hungry.
- Nominations for
best actress are...
Fran Whittaker for,
'Hey, Mr. DJ.'
[gentle music]
- I can explain.
- I want you to leave.
- Out of my house.
- What's black pudding?
- It's pork or beef blood
mixed with oatmeal and fried.
- Are we in the same country?
- No, we're in Scotland.
- Esme Presley for
'Gods of Shoreditch.'
- Your sword skills do
you a disservice, sir.
- The seal calls to you,
but it is lying.
- That may be so.
The seal is our
portal to the future.
- It is the devil's work.
- Then the devil does fine work.
- How are the nominations?
- Oh, yeah.
It's in the bag.
[gentle music]
- Hi, guys.
Uh, we're the kidnap g*ng,
and we do kidnap pranks.
This is my partner, Darren.
- Hello, hello.
- Now, uh, obviously, we've...
we've entered two films
into the festivals,
which doubles our chances
of winning something.
[laughter]
But look, I've got to warn you,
when we're about,
there's always
some f*ck afoot.
- Idiots.
Both my dad and my uncle.
Well, Gabriel, the guy
who runs the festival,
um, he invited us along.
He thought we would be
some good entertainment.
[traffic rumbling]
- Joking. We got her.
- You didn't.
- She said she'll do it.
- Thanks to this little madam.
- Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you so much.
Sorry, I'm not really a hugger,
but you know what I mean.
- She said she liked
working with me.
And the movie's nominated
in the festival.
- You'll cover
travel and bar bill.
- Bar bill?
- Yes, but don't worry
about that now.
You have a speaker.
- Hey, is this an exclusive
party or can anybody join in?
- Tugg. You're here.
- Alert the paparazzi.
- That's good,
that's good that he's here.
- No, seriously.
Alert the paparazzi.
- Uh, your Dad has
press at the awards, so.
- How are you?
- Jade.
- And what movie are you with?
- Sex.
- Hmm.
Well, your film
sounds interesting.
And equally your name.
Both subjects I'd love
to learn more about.
Tugg Speedman, actor,
writer, filmmaker.
Triple threat. Pow!
- Tugg. Have you checked in yet?
It's actually just this way,
I'll just show you where it is.
- I want that review.
Listen, man,
I didn't want to say
anything in there.
I didn't want to embarrass you.
There was no one there to
meet us at the airport.
- Oh, I didn't know we were...
You know what?
Technical issues.
[Tugg laughs]
- Get it together, man.
You do realise what
a big deal this is
to have me and my movie playing
exclusively at your festival.
- Of course, I, I thought
it played in Ireland.
[sucks teeth]
- That wasn't a film festival.
That was a tent
with a projector.
- Right.
- Oh, this...
This is the one we've
been waiting for.
Academy qualifying.
You do realise this
is going to be huge
for my movie and
for your festival?
[romantic music]
Yes, so get it together.
- We're in room 175.
- Esme Presley.
- That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
[Alan laughs nervously]
- Uh...
- Don't mess this up.
- Right.
Please let me help
you with your bag.
Um.
- I'd be much obliged.
He likes people to
think I'm his assistant.
[Alan scoffs]
- Yeah. He's, uh, certainly
a character with a small C.
- Oh, he's definitely
something with a small C.
[Alan laughs]
- We're going to need
to separate these.
- Oh, like a twin room.
- Don't get me started.
Tugg likes his space to sleep.
Proper diva.
You can put that down.
- Oh, God, yeah, sorry, um.
- Is there a turndown
service or do I tip?
- Oh, no, no, I'm...
I'm just helping.
- Just a thanks, then.
Mm. Instant coffee.
- Uh, I liked your movie.
Well, no, I liked
your role in it.
- It's okay, you can
say it's crap, it is.
- No, no, it's not crap,
it's just, uh...
It's unusual.
It's time traveling
gangsters, so.
But it's up for
Best picture,
and it's probably going to
get the Oscar qualifying spot.
So what do I know?
- Alan. That's your name, right?
The festival director's son.
Tugg Speedman's a hack.
And worse, a hack with
a father with money.
The writer's inspiration
for 'Gods of Shoreditch'
was a story with strong
female characters
who brought about the
end of the world of men.
Instead, Tugg turned
her brilliant script
into a wannabe
gangster action movie
with so much nudity, it could
have been set in ancient Rome.
- Oh, I mean,
I thought that it was...
- Sorry, darling.
Body doubles for those scenes.
Oh, no, no, I wasn't
being weird, I was just...
- Alan, it's fine.
I limit who sees me naked,
including Tugg.
Oh. You thought...
[Esme laughs]
Alan, no.
Hasn't been like that
for a very long time.
Tugg, I imagine, is
currently down in the bar
flirting with any tart unlucky
enough to be within earshot.
[romantic music]
I know his father paid
for the movie to win,
and I'm fine with that.
- Oh.
Allen?
- Mm, yes.
- Do you want a coffee?
[message chimes]
- That's...That's my dad.
Um, I should...
- I didn't see him downstairs
is everything okay?
- Uh, complicated.
Uh, but...
Yeah.
- Hello Al.
You alright?
- Um, yeah, all good.
Um, the adjudicators here.
- Okay.
Yes. We made a movie called sex.
[seductive music]
At first there was nothing.
Then there was woman.
[clock chimes]
Time don't wait for no one
So the role of the woman
is the sole provider.
The one giving the pain is the
only one that can take it away.
- My role is to
assist with clients.
But I'm also an actress.
- Oh, not again with that stupid
werewolf movie with Rachel.
- Rachel was amazing
to work with.
- And you too.
- Yeah.
- But both equally.
- Yeah. Of course.
Do you know what?
Whatever, I don't care.
Anyway, can somebody
take this off, please?
- You have 12 finalists in
your festival this year?
- Uh, yes.
They are the final 12.
The opening ceremony is tonight,
and there will be a party.
- Mm.
Not quite a party person.
- Mm.
- Each film has been
individually assessed
and announced within the
required time period.
- Yes, no formal queries
from the other candidates.
And my father has done
all of the assessments.
- Your father?
Yes.
Spoke to him many
times on the phone.
Never met.
Where is he?
- Currently sorting out,
um, something or other.
You know what these crazy
film-makers are like?
[tense music]
- No!
- Oh.
[playful music]
[she screams]
- I'm absolutely mortified.
- I didn't mind really,
it was kind of fun.
- Bunch of kids them two,
honestly.
[laughs]
[laughs]
- Very amusing.
My preference is to
sit near the back
and on the aisle
for each showing.
- Yes, we can accommodate that.
- Your father is the
signatory for the festival.
Have him speak to me at
his earliest convenience.
- Of course. No...No problem.
Would you excuse me?
I need to go and
sort out a thing.
[sighs]
[romantic music]
[sighs]
- Hmm.
Well, good morning to you.
Leading actress?
- Yes I am.
Well...
- No, no, no, no.
You have certainly got the look.
- As if, he's like some old guy.
- You play your cards right.
I might just let you
audition for me sometime.
- So obviously, networking is
the best part of these events
before Tugg realises
I'm a tease,
his next movie will already
be out, starring me.
[romantic music continues]
- Thought you might be hungry.
- Thank you.
But the breakfasts are meant
to be for the film contestants.
But yeah, they're not
going to miss it, are they?
- The adjudicator
buy your story?
- Mm?
- Jade.
- Ah.
- How is your father doing?
- Still in hospital,
and I think,
I think Tugg Speedman might
just k*ll me when he finds out.
- So have you always wanted
to be an actress, then?
Come on, move along, Romeo.
There's a queue here.
- I'll talk to you later.
- You seem to be
doing okay so far.
Just a few more days.
Tugg will be happy once he
gets his coveted academy place.
- Do you like working with him?
- You don't work with Tugg,
you experience the carnage
he leaves in his wake.
You get used to the
crazy after a few years.
- Yeah. I was going to
pitch my film to him.
- 'The God Particle?'
- Yeah, I optioned
the third book.
But I tell you what...
An award nominated actress would
look great on the cast list.
- This is a sh*t business, Alan.
You can do your best performance
then some hack director
fumbles the ball in the edit.
- Hey, know your
character Jo Marsh
in 'Gods of Shoreditch'
was amazing.
- t*ts and arse
don't make a movie.
At least my body
double had a good bum.
- 'The God Particle'
is a black ops super soldier
who seeks vengeance after
they have been betrayed
on a mission gone
terribly wrong.
- Good pitch.
- Yeah, but without
Esm Presley in it
it's just another
silly spy adventure.
[Esme laughs]
Actually, can you just give
me a full second, please?
- Alan. My man.
How are we?
Right, are we all set
for my screening?
- Yes. Of course. Um...
- Emmett.
- Emmett, yes.
- Yes, no. It's only because
I heard there were
some technical issues.
- Who told you that?
Never mind, uh, no,
everything's fine.
- We're good to go.
- Perfect.
- So, yeah, we made
a horror movie.
- Yes, I play a maid.
- Don't you play a maid
in Jade's movie too.
- Typecasting is a good thing.
- Do you actually
watch the movies?
Have you seen mine?
It's got Rachel in it.
- Uh, no, my dad
watches the films.
It's more his thing.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Um, the breakfasts
are actually just for
the film candidates,
so, uh.
- Appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah, no,
so that that means...
Sorry.
- But what if I was
a film contestant?
Okay, okay, look,
if you want to go, like,
just wait in the lobby
and wait till they're all gone.
I'll come and give
you a shout, um.
- I had to print the application
form from the library.
It was a nightmare
with all that ink.
So like, sorry, I ain't
taking the blame for that.
- Hang on, you've made a movie?
- Sure. Just like all the
cats up in this gaff.
It's a personal story.
A flick about living
on the streets.
Mike in your face.
- Yeah, that's...
That's actually
really impressive.
I'm not sure how you do that.
- Check it.
Shot on the phone.
Edited at a library.
The equipment was 90s,
but it's all good.
Uh, well, that that is all good,
but, um, the applications closed
uh, two months ago now, so...
- Understands completely.
But listen here,
I ain't interested in
what you're selling.
For me, this is a
golden opportunity
of honest food and
a bed for the night.
- Please. I really don't
know how else to say this,
but all of the final
films have been announced.
We can't add this.
- That's how it is?
- Sorry. What's your name?
- Mike. Iron Mike.
- Wow. Intimidating name.
- It's because where
I'm bearing down.
I have, like, three Iron bars
tied together, so Iron Mike.
- Makes perfect sense.
Listen, Alan's going to
take your application
because he's good
at problem solving,
and he very much
wants to impress me.
- Alan, I was thinking...
- What was that?
- Simple.
You did a very kind
thing for a homeless man,
and it did impress me.
- Okay. Yeah, that is very nice,
but all the films have
already been announced, Esme.
- I don't think he cares.
- Morning.
- Oh, sh*t.
I mean morning!
- Your father down
for breakfast?
Uh, you know, he was,
but he's an early riser,
so you know how it is.
- We're just going
to meet him now.
- The signatory is a very
important part of the process.
- Of course.
[gasps]
- I played
Lord Harrington of Malta.
[tense music]
- The beast must die.
- Whatever you think is best.
I'm now unarmed.
And I prevent you
from doing your duty.
- Maybe she should k*ll us both.
- You've been bitten, mistress.
- The wolf.
Courses
through my veins.
Run!
- So, yeah.
It's a movie with
a werewolf in it.
- Hi sister hates
that we're together
in the movie?
- Look, I spent a lot of time
and energy into this ending.
And trust me, once people
see what we've done here,
this best film winner's mine.
- Ours
and everyone that
was in the movie.
[wolf howls]
[applause]
[tense music]
- Agnes, I just...
- I'm sorry for frightening you,
Lady Harrington.
- Callum,
go back to the house.
- Elizabeth.
- Now!
[tense music continues]
- sh*t! No, no, not now.
Everyone look into the..!
[laughter]
God damn it!
No one saw the ending.
- Emmet.
- It was just an
utter sh*t show.
- I was pretty
awesome as the maid.
[Tugg groaning]
- Are you okay?
Hmm.
- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- Did you just leave and come
back so you could do that?
- Take some water.
- f*ck water!
I want some f*cking cocaine.
Oh, f*ck.
Just call my f*cking sponsor.
[Tugg breathing heavily]
You.
Is your pathetic father
gonna make it or not?
Tell me.
- Uh, I don't know, but
I'm obviously hoping.
- It's not his fault.
- Ah. [laughs]
Of course you knew.
Everybody knows
except poor old Tugg.
- It wasn't like that.
- Look, as long as the
adjudicator doesn't find out,
we're fine.
- We're fine, we're fine,
we're fine, yeah we're fine.
Until he visits
your poor little feeble
dad on a f*cking deathbed.
- Tugg, his father still alive,
take that back.
- I'll tell you one thing, boyo.
He's not gonna be alive when
my dad gets his hands on him.
Or if you make this go t*ts up.
You,
I'm going to the bar.
f*ck my sponsor.
[Tugg groans]
- Really?
Thought you had to
call your sponsor.
- I didn't drink it.
- Well you thought about it,
and you promised.
- Go away, Esme.
- I'm not cleaning
up after you again.
- Well, you know what, mum?
Do you know what I'm going
to get you for Christmas?
A nice big wooden cross.
So next time you
feel unappreciated
for all your sacrifices,
you can climb on up there
and nail yourself to it.
Look, it's...
[speaking foreign language]
- Yes. The movie did well.
We are very proud.
[speaking foreign language]
The adjudicator, of course,
he picks the winner.
[speaking foreign language]
That is not correct!
- He just an official.
Gabriel, choose the winner.
- I know Alan,
and I hope we have made
a big impression on him
and his father, Gabriel.
- We do rap movie next.
[rapping in foreign language]
[upbeat music]
- There was a lot
of nudity in 'Gods.'
- Yes, well, nudity was
very important in our story
of 'Gods of Shoreditch,'
but, uh...
some were more
comfortable than others.
- I think sometimes nudity
is considered controversial
in some cultures because
it challenges the
standards of modesty.
- Yes, exactly.
Nudity, it's a state of mind.
I'll happily wander
around the house
all day with no clothes on.
Just let it all hang out.
Feel that breeze.
It's, it's quite liberating.
- Would I be shallow if I
said size doesn't matter?
- It's perfectly adequate.
- Is it true that
it's all a farce?
- I don't really know.
- Well, you seem very
close with Alan.
He must have told you something.
- This is starting to
feel like an intervention.
Or maybe an interrogation.
- It's because everyone
is hiding something.
- Esme, we're just curious.
This festival is
really important to us.
- We have vested interest.
- Look, I don't want
to speak out of turn.
And I understand that
you guys are anxious,
but really, you have to
speak to Alan about this.
- Oh, we will,
don't you worry about that.
- The mountain has arrived.
- You know, we all know
that you're here.
- Can you help
with this, please?
They know, Alan.
You might as well
just tell them the truth.
- The truth will set you free.
- Okay, I've spoken to
my dad in the hospital.
He is getting better.
- It is a question of whether he
can do the sign off, though.
- No, he can't.
Not while he's in hospital.
- What's the sign off?
- The, uh, festival
director has to sign off
on the adjudicator's paperwork.
- Can't Alan do that?
[Tugg scoffs]
- Are you the festival
director, Alan?
- No, I'm...
- Uh, yeah, not the
festival director then.
- What's that smell?
- Listen, monkey boy,
I swear to God and Sonny Jesus
if you don't find a solution,
I'm gonna dropkick your head.
And I've done seven days
intensive stage combat,
So you watch yourself.
[gentle music]
- Forget 'The God particle,'
this is producing.
- Oh, yeah, just without
the money or the credit.
- You're cut out
for greater things.
- Yeah, well, you clearly
haven't met my dad.
He's gonna k*ll my movie.
[gentle music continues]
- Still living in his shadow,
just like Tugg.
Be thine own self, be true.
- Yeah, well, that's really
easy for you to say,
you're an award-winning actress
with a string of movie titles
behind you and I'm just...
- And you're currently
a festival director.
- Ah, yeah, I see.
Trying to sway influence
with the festival director
to try and win an award.
It's not gonna work.
- Oh, my.
What's a girl got to do?
- Mate. Borrow your shaver?
- Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
- Keep that towel on
and I'll cut your hair.
- Hotel cleaning service?
- For sure.
Mike, can we grab a
look at your movie?
- [Mike] Sure.
It's your funeral.
[drive whirs]
[gentle music continues]
- Well, this is it.
This is where Iron Mike
is staying the night.
Because, uh, I don't
have three iron bathtubs.
They were all tied together,
and it was really,
really, really good.
Always get a wee
check in the bins,
because you just don't
know what's in these bins.
- Mike, this is good.
- And phone boxes.
Always keep your
eye out for them.
A lot of people miss them.
- It's really good.
[applause]
[whooping]
[gasping]
- Ow!
- Have you, uh..
You calmed down yet?
Any tea?
- Help yourself, you usually do.
- I wake up this morning,
you're gone.
- Didn't think you'd notice
through intensely snoring.
- I'm at a loss here, Esme.
What's going on?
Do you remember the little
talk me and you had?
I support you, you support me?
- That's all I ever
do is support you.
- Yeah, well, you've been
missing in action all weekend.
- I've been here all this time.
The question is,
where have you been?
- Clever.
How's that working out for you?
- That's the thing
about relationships,
they give you a reason to live.
Revenge.
- Hey, hey,
do you remember this?
I've heard there
was a secret chord
- No.
That David played
it pleased the Lord
But you don't really
care for movies, do ya?
It goes like this,
the fourth, the fifth.
- Sit down.
The major falls,
the minor lifts
The baffled king
composing Hallelujah
No?
- Those old cheap moves aren't
going to work on me anymore.
- I've got plenty of
new cheap moves for you.
- How are you gonna
face all these people
when they find out you
paid for the award?
- The question is, babe,
do you feel paid for it?
[tense music]
- Esme!
- That's bad juju, mate,
you need to take a moment.
- But she's upset.
- Having your bridges burned
is never going to be easy,
but she's strong.
- Bad juju.
- I think it's better
from an older person.
- But this is your fault, Jess.
You were in her f*cking movie.
- She was very
giving as an actress.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Can one of you please just
tell me what's going on?
- Rachel can't do it.
[Alan groans]
- We forgot Jade posted
on Rachel's socials
that she was so bitchy
she's probably
playing the werewolf.
- Why?
- Because it was my role.
- Oh!
- Wow, what a transformation.
- Hey, got myself
some new threads.
[she laughs]
- It's gonna be a long night.
[body thuds]
I mean, this is
getting ridiculous.
- Sorry. Caroline. Hi, um...
- Wow.
- Hey, Alan.
- Could I be the most
beautiful girl in the world?
- Uh, uh, Caroline, wow.
Um, what are you doing here?
I mean, I'm glad that
you are, but why?
- It seems most
men take advantage.
Except you, of course.
- Hm.
- Giggles was a mistake.
- Ha.
I'll still do your
announcements if you want me.
- Really?
Oh, Caroline, absolutely,
that'd be amazing.
Yes, yes, thank you,
thank you so much.
- Wow, slaying it, Mike.
- Nobody even seen
a man in a suit?
- Ah, she's just
getting a bit excited.
Our film's showing today.
- 'Malicious intent.'
Gangster comedy
- Has 'Malicious intent'
even got a chance?
- Well, it's a lower
budget than Tugg's film,
but hopefully we spent the
money where it really mattered.
- We got the secret ingredient.
Me. I'm the secret ingredient.
- Well, look, when
Millie was ten,
we'd done a short film
together called 'Daddy's Girl.'
- Those clips are a springboard
for 'Malicious intent.'
It's like the story
picks up from that point.
[birds singing]
- She was much cuter then
and not such a pain in the arse.
- Well, the best
advice I can give
is that you never know who's
going to grow up to be famous,
so just make yourself available.
- Oh, don't be a tart.
- Well, I wish I was Beyonc.
- I've been looking for you.
- Found me.
- Well, I thought maybe
you wanted some space.
- Good choice.
Or you could just k*ll all
the girls prettier than me.
- Or maybe just Tugg, so.
[romantic music]
- Where are all
the good guys at?
In the heart or in the head?
- You think I'm a good guy?
- Well, when your instinct
tells you to do something,
you don't do it
so maybe when it tells you
not to that's when you should.
- Oh.
[Esme chuckles]
- Read the room, Alan.
This is the consensual
kissing part.
- Uh.
Caroline's back.
[record scratches]
Um.
- Uh, your ex that got with
your best friend, Caroline?
- Yeah. Um, she, uh, she
wants to present the awards.
- Mm. That's good, I guess.
Great for you.
- Well, the whole thing
with Giggles was a mistake.
I mean, I always thought so, but
I guess she's realised it too.
So, um.
- Yeah, no, great, um,
so pleased for you.
- Uh.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, just peachy.
planning lessons all the time.
- Right, um, I'm sorry,
just one second, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would be
happy to present our next film,
'Malicious Intent.'
- No, no, no, no,
wait wait wait!
Um.
My apologies.
There will now be
a short interval,
as I need a word with
the festival director.
Young man,
this is totally irregular.
My paperwork should
have been signed
and emailed off this morning.
- I understand. he's just busy.
- You've fobbed me
off with that before.
Where is your father?
He is festival director.
- Fully understand, uh, end of
the next movie he'll be here.
- Yeah, listen, young man, this
might seem like a game to you,
but it's also my job.
And I don't like explaining
to my line manager
that I can't manage
a simple task,
such as getting a
signature!
- Stand on me, I will sort it.
- it's our big day.
- Uh, yeah, it is.
[gentle music]
I curse them to hell
As her bow fought the swell
Our ship danced like a
moth in the firelight
Wild horses rode high
as the devil passed by
Taking souls into
Hades by twilight
Five weeks out to sea
We were now 43
We buried our
comrades each morning
In our own sign
We were lost in the time
Endless night
we were dawning
Oh
I wish I was back
home in Derry
Oh.
I wish I was
[g*nsh*t]
- So essentially, it's
like a black ops agent.
Oh, oh, Caroline, you have to
meet our resident movie star,
Esme Presley.
- Today, everyone's a star,
They're all billed as
starring or also starring
without earning
that recognition.
- Caroline, you're back
from outer space.
- I noticed you cry a
lot in your films.
Your tear ducts must be
very close to your bladder.
- Has Alan talked
you into presenting?
- All these Best Actress
nominees and I'm just thinking,
shut up and get a salad.
- Uh, so, um,
Caroline thinks that
we should just come clean
with every adjudicator.
- Not the best idea.
- Is that your own thought,
or do you need a screenwriter?
- Caroline, we
should be friends.
- Yes, I agree.
Best friends.
- I think that
ending needs work.
- How about less silly questions
and a bit more shut the hell up.
- How did you make her
look younger in the film?
Was that computer stuff?
- This is a man who thinks the
plural of goose is sheep.
- I ain't saying anything.
- So then your, uh,
your style is clearly more
gangster than it is horror.
- Hey, that cat who played
Dudley in your movie,
he was awesome.
- Joy.
- All right, ladies and
gentlemen, our next film is...
- 'Sex.'
- Have fun.
[seductive music]
Time don't wait for no one
There's no escape
from what I must do
- Turn around and bend over.
I can't wait forever
- I think it's time to leave.
But I will wait for you
- I'm young, I'm all dressed up.
I'm on my way to marry
the asexual awakening.
And there's 290
years separating me
from the films of Kevin Smith.
But that doesn't
mean it's true
If time don't
wait for no one
How can I wait for you?
- Tough love.
The cards are on the table
- It is complete love.
It is complete love.
Will do
- Didn't fancy 'Sex' then?
- It was beauty that
k*lled the beast.
'Malicious Intent' should be
good competition for Tugg.
It might blindside him.
- Well, we can hope so.
But look, I'm probably the most
noncompetitive person
here, so I win.
- Secrets and lies.
Come with me.
- This is bang out of order.
Have you any idea how
much sh*t I went through
to get the day off today?
This ain't my day job, you know.
- It's not Alan's fault.
- Well, this does land
squarely on Alan's door.
- I was thinking, since no
one saw the ending of my film,
can we screen it again, maybe?
- Look at you, all of you.
No problem is too big, we can't
fix it if we work together.
- Esme, you're
beautiful on the inside,
but it's important you
understand your limitations.
- Alan, what I'm saying is,
if anyone actually saw
the ending of the film,
then people would
know that my character
disguises himself as older.
I will play your dad, and I will
sign off this whole festival.
What?
I've got range.
- Him!
- I can't play Gabriel.
That accent's incredibly tricky.
- If you don't do it, then all
of this is over for everyone.
[clears throat]
- Hello, son.
How are you?
- Oh, God, this has disaster
written all over it.
- Something is missing.
- Could be range.
- The meanness.
- Yeah, Gabriel is an arsehole.
- Oi, I'm not happy,
and I don't like it.
- Oh my God.
- Esme?
Is my foot scrub in there?
This is gonna be brilliant.
And bring my razor
as well, will you?
You've been blowing hot
and cold me all day.
- Everything's fine in my world.
- You might want to
tell your face that.
This is a big day for us.
- You bought the award, Tugg.
Hardly meritable.
- I read a book about this once.
- You sure it was a book?
You sure it wasn't nothing?
- This is show business,
not care business.
- You're like all the worst
parts of a girlfriend.
- Do you not want
to be the producer?
- And just for that,
when the movie comes out,
I'm gonna get Matt Damon
to play you.
- Oh.
Well, maybe I'll get
Jade to play you then.
- Jade?
- Yeah.
Your new producing partner.
A little girl-on-girl action.
I'm joking.
Unless...
Unless you'd be up for it.
Jeez, I was only joking.
- It's not a joke.
I'm feeling lost.
- Hey.
I've heard there
was a secret chord
- Stop.
that Michael played
It pleased the Lord
- Stop!
If I explained it, I think
I'd only confuse you.
- Do you know what?
I think it's times like this,
If I wasn't a multi-award
winning, talented filmmaker
and you were just
an ordinary girl,
]then we wouldn't
have these problems.
- On 'Gods of Shoreditch,'
I was supposed to be
an associate producer,
but in reality I was
more of a dogsbody.
- Seriously? This again?
I told you, it's whatever
it takes to get the shot.
Look, you can produce
the next one in full.
Yeah, my dad's already on board.
- Take that back
and I'll k*ll you.
- You're the producer.
Game face on.
Hooray for Hollywood!
[bright music]
[cameras snapping]
You didn't hold the bloody lift.
- Oh, didn't I?
- Oh, God.
[cameras snapping]
- Are you not going to change
for the paparazzi shots?
- It's not really my thing.
Besides, Gabriel would wear
something like this, right?
- I've got a bad
feeling about this.
- Listen, son, I've got this
whole routine worked out.
- No routine, Okay.
This isn't an audition.
Just say hello and then
sign the pissing document.
- Where's your wife?
- I think we should
just come clean.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Hello.
You must be the adjudicator.
My son Alan's been
telling me all about you.
[laughter]
Sorry I've been a bit busy.
This film festival malarkey
kept me on my toes.
- Yes. Seems to have
ramped up a notch
with the screening of
'Gods of Shoreditch.'
- One of my personal favourites.
- Um, now that you're here,
uh, my paperwork
needs a signature.
- Absolutely. Happy to.
Thanking you.
Oh, sorry.
Forgot who I was
there for a second.
[nervous laughter]
Is that alright?
- Yeah.
I'll need a final signing off,
uh, when the winners
are announced,
Your accent seems off.
- Uh, [clears throat]
it's...it's posh voice.
A posh telephone voice.
Yeah, I should use it
all the time really.
- [laughs] Right.
- Your honour, may I show
you to the next screening?
- Oh!
- You know, my movies
are inherently amazing.
It's all about the big screen.
And it's not easy
being an action star.
- Thank you.
- Shouldn't you be up there
now that you're here?
- Yes. Uh, absolutely.
- He is such a star when
it comes to these things.
- Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce you
'Gods of Shoreditch'
and it stars,
big round of applause,
for its stars Esme Presley
and Tugg Speedman.
[applause]
- Good entrance.
You want to see the
one I'm going to make
when I win my award?
[Caroline laughs]
- What? No! Get out!
Both of you! Come on.
- Crazy filmmakers trying to
draw attention to their film.
- I thought they were quite fun.
[she laughs]
- You know, they do say I'm
the new Robert Rodriguez.
Except I star in my
own movies as well.
- Maybe Robert was smarter.
[gentle music]
- You fought well
despite a twisted ankle.
You will live to
fight another day.
And I assure you,
it is not serious.
I took the liberty
of feeling the bone
and it is perfectly sound.
- Oh, sir, how will
I ever thank you?
- Please do not think of it.
It is my honour to serve you.
- Will you not be seated?
- Pray, excuse me.
I do not wish to
leave a watermark.
Permit me to call
tomorrow afternoon
so that I may inquire after you.
[gentle music continues]
- Fight hard.
Fight for me.
- Alan's pitching me
some shitty book movie.
- 'The Gold Particles,'
the third book in a series.
- That Guy, The
Irish Connection,
moussaka and f*cking chips.
sh*t,
that director is the worst.
He couldn't even direct traffic.
You know who he
should have come to?
Me, Tugg Speedman.
You know him, right, babe?
[gentle guitar music]
- Fun and happiness
and short supply.
- Out of the frying pan
and into the fire.
- It's always difficult
when one person moves on.
- Hmm.
I spoke to dad this morning.
He's recovering, but
no mention of my movie, so.
- Nice guys don't finish last?
- Yeah.
You're planning something that's
going to get me in trouble,
aren't you?
- Oh, most definitely.
[playful music]
[screams]
- Why?
[grunts]
You best move out of
the way and let me be.
- This is not how it works.
Last chance, dumb boys.
[blow lands]
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
[blows landing]
- Alan?
[applause]
- Thank you everyone for
the kind words and praise.
The buffet has been
provided by yours truly.
Fill your guts.
- You really don't
have to do this.
You know they have a
meal before the awards.
- These ain't for me.
[playful music continues]
[laughs]
- Wow.
- That went well.
- Thanks for that.
What happened to the group?
- This is the best
fun I've had all year.
What's this?
Naughty movies or
my ransom demands.
[he giggles]
- We have a late entry
to the film festival,
and I wanted you to experience
it in my full company.
- Late entries are
highly
irregular.
But this could be a lot of fun.
- Well, this is it.
This is where Iron Mike
is staying the night.
Because, uh, I don't
have three iron bathtubs.
They were all tied together,
it was really, really,
really good, like.
- I don't know what
you want me to say.
Mike's was the best film.
- I have no patience with best.
I have no patience
with fairness.
Life is not fair.
Love is not fair.
And as long as we
still breathe the air
of a free capitalist society.
Business will never be fair.
Sacrifice, Alan,
like the kamikaze
pilots used to do.
- Yeah, that's a
discomforting stay, isn't it?
- Haemorrhoids cause discomfort.
This is open heart surgery.
[message chimes]]
f*ck the phone, Alan.
- You said I could produce.
- I'll, knock you the f*ck
out right here, right now.
- We did the right thing.
- Are you okay?
[Gabriel groans]
- Movie stars do
not have opinions.
[gentle music]
Sorry. I know
you're his dad,
but Alan worked damn hard
throughout this festival.
- And I suppose the
bro's code is over
now your f*cking Tugg's wife.
- I think I'm done here.
- [Gabriel] We're bloody ruined!
[traffic rumbling]
- Alan!
You know
what I'm gonna say?
- Yes, I know your ending,
but I'm not being funny,
the only thing I care about
ending is this festival.
Eyes front.
- God, does making movies
have to be all this difficult?
- I'm looking forward to this.
Who's doing your presentation?
Hope it's a surprise.
- Oh. Me too.
If she shows up.
- Hmm?
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- I do love surprises.
[indistinct background chatter]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
for our wonderful guest speaker,
Caroline Doherty.
[applaud]
- So very glad to
be here this evening
amongst all the wonderful
filmmakers and stars.
To be a filmmaker, you
have to be psychotic
in your desire to do something.
For the first category.
Best actress in a Feature film;
Millie Ward 'Malicious Intent.'
[applause]
Esme Presley in
'Gods of Shoreditch.'
[applause]
And Fran Walsh in 'Hey Mr. DJ.'
[applause]
And the winner is...
- This is just the start.
Esme Presley.
[applause and cheering]
So very well done.
- I would like to show
my immense gratitude
to all of the team
involved in 'Gods.'
[applause]
- And for our first
Best Picture nominee, we have;
'Hey, Mr. DJ.'
- You didn't think to thank me?
The man who made it all happen.
- A film about a
time in the 90s
where DJs were gods and
gangsters ruled the streets.
- Your ego will be
stroked enough tonight.
- Let's have a look.
- What did you throw there?
- Just, uh, just some bags
I was storing stuff in.
Right, get yourself
freshened up.
Got a great place
for us to go to.
- Oscar, I'm not
feeling up to it.
- Hey, you're single now,
remember?
Half an hour, we're off.
- And the next category
is Best newcomer nominees.
Lin Cheng for 'Opera
and the Evening Garden.'
[applause]
Millie Ward for
'Malicious Intent.'
[applause]
and Jess Bronski
in 'Mysterious.'
And the winner is Millie Ward
in 'Malicious Intent.'
[applause and cheering]
- Oh my God, I don't
even know what to say.
Um, thank you so
much to the festival.
Thank you so much to
everyone that I've met.
And if you would like to
come for drinks afterwards,
then, uh, meet me at seven.
- She knows how proud
I am of her, don't you?
- Hey, I was nervous,
and I got one.
I mean, it looks like
roughly the right shape.
I mean, it's gonna save
me a ton of batteries.
- And our next best film nominee
is for 'Malicious intent.'
[rock music]
[shouting]
And the next category is
Best Editing nominees.
We have Emmet
Bronski in 'Mysterious.'
Tugg Speedman for
'Gods of Shoreditch,'
George Cheng for
'Opera in the Evening Garden,'
[applause]
and the winner is...
- Well, this is a
vindication
considering no one
saw the ending.
And our third best film
nominee is 'Gods of Shoreditch,'
a story about time
travelling gangsters.
- By night, one way
by day another.
This shall be the norm.
Until you take true
love's first kiss.
And love takes its true form.
[magical chime]
- Is there no one else?
- And a rather
exciting category.
Best actor nominees:
We have George Cheng in
'Opera and the Evening Garden.'
[applause]
Ashraf Ward in
'Malicious Intent.'
[applause]
Tugg Speedman in
'Gods of Shoreditch.'
[applause]
[indistinct]
And the winner is...
Tugg Speedman
[applause and cheering]
- Gutted, mate.
Proper gutted.
I honestly thought I
was in with a shout.
- Me too.
I was the best actor.
- And our fourth
best film nominee...
- I didn't know nothing
about no fourth nomination.
- ...is a work of modern
day art versus immense need.
Now let's have a look at
'Homelessness and the Man'
by Mike Read.
- So there's certain
things that you would do,
well certain things you look for
like shopping centre
pounds in the trollies.
That's a pound, like.
A pound's like...
200.
- And we're down to the
final award of the evening.
Best overall film
of the festival.
And the winner is...
- Hardly a win if
you paid for it.
- Mike Read.
[applause and cheering]
- What's going on?
- Well, looks like Mike
just won best film, Tugg.
- You're f*cking...
- Thanks and everything.
The beds are really comfortable.
[applause and cheering]
- This isn't right!
The film wasn't
even in the programme!
What the hell even is
this f*cking sh*t film?
My daddy paid for all of this.
[audience gasps]
- What are you talking about?
- This was all paid for.
No, not him.
That's just a sh*t actor.
This is outrageous.
I knew something was wrong.
- Okay.
- I thought he was
pretty convincing.
- You falsified records.
There may well be charges.
- What charges?
- No, no, no, please,
all right, look, I'm sorry.
This whole thing was my fault.
Don't punish or
charge anyone else.
My dad, Gabriel
guy from the phone
had a massive heart attack.
And he had so much money
invested in this festival.
And is Tugg Speedman
telling the truth?
- Technically, yes,
most of it was his money.
- His father's money.
- Yes, but we went
with our hearts.
And that's why
Mike won Best Film.
- I don't judge the films.
I'm merely here to make sure
that the festival
is run properly.
From what you're telling me,
this has been an absolute farce.
[gentle music]
- Mr. adjudicator, excuse
me for interrupting.
I have known Esm a long time,
and, well, if my
word has any bearing,
Esm,
she always speaks
from her heart.
- Miss Warren.
Whoa, whoa.
Warren,
I am a huge fan of your movies.
And your words do carry
significant weight.
But this is an official matter.
- Mm. I fully understand that.
But if Esm says that
'Homeless Man' is the best film,
I would not disagree.
- Thank you Rachel.
- You're welcome.
[gentle music continues]
Producers, erm, is
this jacket okay?
It feels a bit big.
- Sometimes you just
got to take the chances.
- Do you regret
taking a chance on me?
- Who am I to argue
with the producer?
- Do you Miss Tugg?
- Wherever he is and
whatever he's doing,
let's just hope
he's not missing us.
[engine revving]
- Total submission b*tches.
- Is this gonna hurt?
- True love is pain.
[Tugg screams]
[rock music]
- Turn over.
And action!
- I'm not playing
a streetwalker.
- It's a tart with a heart.
- Would a second
rate streetwalker
wear an outfit like this
I'm first class.
Won best newcomer.
- Just do it how it's
written, please, babe.
- Idiot!
- You know the saying never
work with children or animals.
- He loves me really.
- Proper diva.
[rock music continues]
[singing opera]
[rock music continues]
- Some beautiful paths can't be
discovered without getting lost.
- I never did thank you, did I?
- Emmet.
I've got something for you.
- Oh, God.
Please do not kidnap me now.
- You'll like this.
- Oh, please.
He did it to himself when
we went back on his word.
- You're welcome.
- Why did you just
not leave us alone?
We told you time and time again.
But you still didn't
listen to your sister.
- Oh, okay.
[Esme chuckles]
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Worst Film Festival Ever, The (2025)
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