- Okay.
- Good?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
[clears throat]
- Okay, thank you.
First positions, please.
Here we go. Thanks, everyone.
Okay, nice and quiet.
[person speaks indistinctly]
- Okay.
- Okay, set back.
[indistinct chatter]
- [whispering]
Does it look good?
- Yeah.
- Okay, all good, people.
- Thank you. Set.
- Okay.
Yeah? Happy? [snaps fingers]
Happy? [claps hands]
Okay.
[sighs]
[clears throat] Right.
There's only one final
you should be watching
this Christmas.
Two dancers, one winner.
- No. Sorry, the
other way around.
- Oh, my God. Sorry.
- Lovely, big smile.
- Yep.
It's okay.
Two dancers, one winner...
There's only one final
you should be watching
this Christmas.
[giggles]
- A bit more Christmassy.
- Okay.
Um, two dancers, one final...
No, that's wrong. Sorry.
Two da... Sorry.
There's only one final
you should be watching
this Christmas.
- And one where you're
just being yourself.
- [sighs] Um...
um...
two dancers...
Two dancers, one winner.
Two dancers, one winner.
One winner.
There's only one final...
There's only one final...
There's only one final
you should be watching...
You should be watching
this Christmas.
This Christmas, this
Christmas, this Christmas,
this Christmas.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon... ♪
[person moaning]
[mysterious music]
♪ ♪
[person laughs]
♪ ♪
- Hey. Hi.
- Hey, Suzie.
Um, they're asking
for you in makeup.
- Uh, oh, sorry. I thought it
pushed because of the football.
- Oh, yeah. I think they
just want to get going.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- So, yeah.
Um, also, um, Ollie and
Clara want a quick word, um,
just when you've... just,
like, fairly urgently.
You can get them
in here for after.
- Uh, no, let's
meet them in makeup,
and we can... while they...
- Yeah, okay.
- Yes, okay.
♪ ♪
[snickers]
Hey, great, great.
- Hey.
- Yeah. No, they let
me in in the end.
They assumed I work for you,
and I lied, and I said
I did work for you,
thinking did as I used
to, so I wasn't lying.
- Hey, um, w-what's
wrong? What's happened?
- Um, just none
of them survived.
- Oh, my... Oh. Oh.
How do you... how do you know
they put one back in now?
- No, they grow.
They don't... there's
nothing to be put in.
- Oh, my God.
- Suzie to makeup
for Ollie and Clara.
- I'm devastated.
- I hear that,
mama. Are you sure?
- Well, I mean,
unless they're lying
and keeping my embryos in...
- No.
- Some, uh...
I'm going to go wait.
- No, no, no, come to makeup.
Don't be on your own.
Are you sure you don't
want to just go home?
- What am I going
to do, sit and stare
at the f*cking kitchen I
haven't even put in yet?
- Yeah, okay, but, you know,
only if you're sure because
Frank will be absolutely fine.
- Yeah. I'm just... I'm
just really shocked.
It's like, basically, I've
given someone 12,000 pounds
to really upset me.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- They say you can expect
it the first time...
- Wait. Oh, no, no, I thought
you were doing one and done.
- One block. Block of
three, the woman said.
You save more that way.
- God, I can't believe
it's still extra time.
- Yeah.
- Right, should we get started?
[knock at the door]
- Uh, yes.
- Hi.
Uh, if you could go out for...
- Sure.
Do you want to...
- Well, if you could just...
- Yeah.
- [clears throat]
- Oh, sorry. Uh,
well, she's my agent.
Well, my ex-agent,
which is a shame for me,
but also totally fine.
- Okay.
Well, uh, quick heads-up...
The super-exciting guest
we knew was coming to see Stella
is Her Royal Highness's cousin.
So we have a royal in the house
tonight, which is a treat,
but slight security issue...
They need to be near an exit.
And that's always been sorted.
But the extra
information is, um,
now that's too near a pyro.
- Down from the stage.
- So the pyro's...
- Okay - Moving to the back.
- Yeah, so we just need to
move the dance up a little bit
further forward,
and then the lift
might have to go the other way.
- Uh, wait, uh...
- No, it's just
to get you further
downstage away from the pyro.
- Oh, we think it's fine.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
God, it's no big deal.
We just, um, need to have
a little re-rehearsal
in the wings.
- Yeah, we'll just, uh, track
down Danny, and we'll get you.
- Or what? She gets a
firework up her vag?
Sorry, it's just
actually quite funny
when I don't have
any responsibility.
- Uh, we just can't locate
Danny currently, so...
- He might be watching
the football somewhere.
- Oh, okay, so just, uh, bring
her over when this is done.
- Uh, no. Let's just,
uh, do it first.
I'll be... I'll be right there.
I just need...
- Oh, sure.
So you'll be going 10, 2:00?
- Uh, 10, 1:00.
- Your most recent ex-husband
is texting me again.
What? As me or as you?
- As both.
Wait. What the f*ck is
going on about tomorrow?
- Oh, my God, the drugs test.
- You haven't had
your results yet?
- No, actually, I'm going
to have to call them.
- Okay, well, this
bleach better work.
God, I'm terrified
you're going to lose
your son because of MDMA
in a f*cking Reddit thread.
- Hey, can you still
do the handover?
Is that still okay?
- Yeah.
- Yes?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay, I'm just...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, bye. sorry. Poppy?
Hi. Yeah, have we had
the results back yet?
Okay, well, we're supposed
to have them by the end
of working day today.
I mean, that's the whole point
so that I can have
Frank tomorrow.
Everything's closing now.
What if the results
don't come back?
And if... and if the lab that
we pay don't process it in time,
can I sue the lab?
Okay, well, I don't
want to sue the lab.
Yeah, all right. Okay, bye.
[sighs]
Hey.
- Hey.
- You're still here?
- Yeah.
- Has nobody come in?
- No. No, they just...
Oh, come on, ref!
- Okay, well, they're,
um, looking for you.
They want to change
something about your dance.
- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
Something about... [scoffs]
Something about a pyro and
a princess, and, basically,
we have to do the
lift the other way.
- What, you lifting me?
- [laughs]
No, you're so adorable.
Can you just turn
that down a bit?
- Oh, it's the final, doll.
I can't believe we did
it during, frankly.
Do you know how unbelievably
attractive you are to me?
That is the highest compliment
a man can ever give you.
- Do you know how
much I love you?
That's something from the
'70s. [knock at the door]
Who is it?
- Sian.
- Great. Okay, um, so
you've... you're...
You're just going, and
you've just been here.
- Just take something.
I've come to her, pick
something up with enough...
- Hi.
- Hi.
What a thrill.
- All right.
Oh, ta, Suzie.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Why are they being such
b*stards on the desk?
They said I was already here.
I said, "I'm not already here."
That's why I'm here.
Oh, how are you?
- Yeah, I'm good.
I mean, there's a
royal in the house,
so everyone's a bit...
Hi, Holland.
- Hello.
Um, Colgate are here,
just so that you know.
- [sighs, chuckles]
- Just saying.
- Re-find your smile.
- Yeah.
I mean, I don't think I'm
going to get a branding deal
that focuses on my mouth.
[knock at the door]
Yeah?
- Hi. Uh, hi,
Suzie. I'm sorry.
Did Austin didn't get
you back in makeup?
- Uh, well, no, I've just got
to go and rehearse the lift.
Oh, um, can you get
my practice boots?
- Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah.
Firstly, your flowers.
- Yes.
Oh, that's so...
- Champagne.
- Ooh.
- I know you're not...
- Yeah.
- But after.
- So how late do you think
the match is going to push us?
- Oh, it depends if they score.
- That's not helpful.
Football.
- [chuckles]
- Um, quick crisis chat.
- Oh, can we just...
Please, can we stop
calling them crisis chats?
That's my first point
of order for the chat.
- Okay, um, Suzie, sorry.
- Yeah?
- Can I just confirm
that you're not sleeping
with Danny Carno?
- [laughing] I... no, no.
I mean, we've only...
No, we haven't. I'm not.
[knock at the door] Yeah?
- Hey, um, shall we trot you
over to Danny and Ollie now?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you get my boots?
- Yeah.
- Not the real ones.
- Okay, one sec.
She needs the not-real boots.
- Right, got you.
- Sorry, yeah.
- Okay, well, if... if...
if someone's managed to get
that idea, do you
have any idea how?
- No.
I mean, you know, I can say
we've been friendly, you know.
We're going through something
together, way, but...
- Could someone have
seen you like that?
- No. Not really, no.
- Okay. Well, the "Daily
Mail" have called us.
- Uh-huh.
- And they're asking for comment
because they want to
print it in the morning.
- Yeah, they're saying
they've spoken to a runner.
- Like, just so that
I can do my job here.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No,
no, of... of course.
I mean, he's
married, by the way.
- Yeah.
- So I can deny that
with confidence?
[knock at the door]
- Um, I'm just
going to go upstairs
and rehearse the lift, but, no.
I'm sorry, as in yes. [laughs]
You get it. [laughs]
- Oh, great.
Sorry. [door opens]
- Why don't I take it over, and
we can go to makeup afterwards?
- You say that like
I've got a choice.
No.
- Can I get you anything?
- Uh, no, no, no,
I'm absolutely fine.
- Okay, right.
- How are you doing?
- Yeah. No, I'm good.
I just want to make sure
that you're all right.
- Yeah.
[digital ringtone]
Oh, sorry. That's my mum.
One minute.
- Okay.
- Hello, Mum?
Yeah.
No, we're all...
We're all good here.
Yeah. No, I know.
Uh, yeah, because
of football. Yeah...
Well, no, it has to be live
live because the voting.
Okay, fine.
I mean, if Dad can't make
it, he can't make it.
No, he shouldn't drive.
Yeah. All right, Mum.
I'm just about to go
on national television,
so I can't really chat,
but Naomi's going to do
the handover in reception.
Yeah, and you got the tickets?
Yeah, I sent them on text.
All right, Mum. All right.
Okay.
See you later. Bye.
Um, sorry.
Oh, one of my audience
seats has become available.
I'm really sorry. I
know that's really...
- Okay.
- Late notice.
Good to know, yeah.
- Yeah.
And, um, it's just...
I know I can be stress-y.
Like I know... it's the show
and the stress of the show,
and sometimes I-I realise
I can be very short
with people when I'm...
- Oh, my God, no, no, no, no
- So I'm just... I'm sorry
is what I'm trying to say.
- No... the seat... This
is what we're here for.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Like, no.
- Really?
- No, no, never.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you. I'm
sorry for this.
[applause]
- Ollie? Ollie?
I've got Suzie for you.
- Oh, thank God.
Okay, great.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
- That's fine.
The audience is there, right?
Apparently, the lift is fine.
- Yes.
- So don't worry about that.
We're just going to
use that fish rave step
to get us forward, okay?
So we're going to go like
this... one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, one and two.
The rest is as is, so just
run it from there, okay?
- Yeah, uh...
- Okay.
- Uh, five, six,
seven, eight. Go.
- Danny, someone f*cking
knows about our thing.
- I know.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, PR just texted me.
- Okay.
So what are we going
to do about it?
- Guys, I really do need you
to step it out more, okay?
Left, right, left,
right, like that.
Okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. We got it. We'll do it.
- Yeah, we've got it.
- You sure?
- Yeah, yeah, we'll run it.
- Do your thing.
- Okay, great.
So I've got to go
and work with Stella.
You know, in fact,
her individual number,
she's on first, so just
run it a couple of times.
Any problems, just...
[smooches] All right?
- Bye.
- I need to chat with you.
- Okay. Um... um, Una?
Uh, I would love, um,
something to drink.
Something sweet but
nothing from here.
Like, something from
my dressing room.
You know what I mean.
- Uh... uh...
Okay, um...
- Look... I can't
go on tonight
thinking this is the last
time we dance together.
- But it's the finals.
- Yeah, I know.
But I don't want it to
be the final for us.
- Okay, but maybe we...
Should we just get
our stories straight first?
- Well, let 'em print it.
I mean, f*ck it, it's true.
Maybe something needed to break.
You know what? It's time.
I told you, I love Carrie.
- Mm-hmm?
- She's known me since I was 14.
But she doesn't really
know me, you know?
I spoke to you
about all that stuff
with Rob and all that.
- Mm-hmm?
- And you're the only person
who gets it, you know?
You get what it is to
compartmentalise your life.
You get being famous and not
being able to be yourself.
You know, you... you get me.
- [laughs]
- And I just... I don't know...
I can't keep living this life,
you know?
- Maybe this isn't
something to be decided
on the most stressful
night of your life
when your dad just died.
- No, but it is.
It's like... it's
like I'm next.
And I know it's been
no time with us.
- I know, it's been a week.
- Yeah.
But maybe that's a wake-up call.
- Or a snooze
button. You know?
- I just, I feel weirdly
alive. This is...
[people cheer] Oh,
someone must've scored.
Last minute.
- Okay. Hi, so we're
not going to penalty.
So ten minutes till
the show starts.
Just do makeup, I'm sorry.
- Okay, fine.
Sorry.
- It's quite all right.
- See you on the pitch.
- See you on the pitch.
- Um, this way,
this way, this way.
Whoo!
[suspenseful music]
- Which way? Which way?
- Sorry, left.
Left.
Through.
Two minutes out.
[indistinct chatter]
- Um, Suzie, we should...
[high-pitched ringing]
- Oh.
Um, my stomach's really bad.
I really need to go to the loo.
- Well, it's just there, so...
- Actually, I could
really do with my f*gs.
Can you go to my dressing
room? I think they're in there.
And then I'll meet
you in costume.
- I can get someone
else to bring them.
- No, I can go to
the loo, it's fine.
- Okay, Okay.
[alarm blaring,
ringing continues]
- Seriously! Relax!
Relax!
[blaring intensifies]
[door closes]
- Suzie!
Can you believe I'm
on first tonight?
I'm late.
- Mm.
Hi.
- And they've
changed my routine.
It's just not cool.
- I've just... I've got to go.
Because my son's having
a tantrum downstairs.
- Listen, I know we
haven't spoken very much.
And I wish you all the
good in the world tonight,
because at some point,
I would love to pick
your brains about acting.
- Oh!
- Ultimately, that's
something I'd love to explore.
- Oh, amazing.
- Like, drama school?
Is that necessary or
not? I know you didn't.
And sometimes I actually
think actors never...
- Can we talk about it later?
- I can give you my email.
And then you can email me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
- Whenever. Okay.
- Sure, sure.
- So you give me your email,
and I'll email you my email.
- Okay, it's suzielegendary222
@suzielegend.com.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Someone else set that up.
- I'm just saying,
you do not need
to email me back in the email.
- Got it.
- Okay. Bye.
She's so nice.
I'm obsessed with her.
[door opens]
[phone ringing]
- f*ck!
f*ck! Phone!
- Is your finger okay?
- My...?
Yeah. Uh...
- Well, that's good, isn't it?
- No, not this time.
But, you know, it's a marathon.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that, mate, that's...
- I really don't particularly
want to talk about it.
Not because, just, you know...
[high-pitched ringing]
- Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what the f*ck?
No, no, Fred! Fred, no!
- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
What's the issue?
What's the issue?
- Hey! No. Calm
down. Calm down.
Understand?
- He didn't want
to leave his dad.
- He wanted to watch
the football, so...
Which to be fair...
- I didn't know whether to
physically tear him away.
- Yeah. No, it's not
ideal. Okay. Hello.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Okay, anyway, having not
heard from your people,
I assume he's staying
with me tomorrow.
So maybe I'll just
take him home.
- We just haven't
heard back yet.
It's there's a backlog
because of this.
- Great. It's not one day
he's acting up, is it?
He's hasn't seen it.
He's the same room
for six months.
- Do you remember how
we talked about tonight?
Okay, well, you haven't, Frank.
- Yes, he has pretty
much watched every game.
So in fairness to him...
- It would... it
would mean a lot to me
if you stayed
and watched Mummy dance.
- Yeah, I've said
all this to him.
- You've been so helpful,
and we've done this together.
No, Dad can't come.
But Bailey's here.
Oh, well, that's
new information.
- He doesn't want
to be here, Suzie.
- That's not what he's saying.
- Yeah. Do you know what?
If you'd let me finish,
what I was going to say is,
he doesn't want to be here.
So why don't I just come and
sit with him for a while?
- There isn't anywhere.
There isn't any passes.
- Okay, fine.
[high-pitched ringing]
- I haven't got time for this.
- Who's down here?
Hiya.
- Grandma's here!
- Oh, Suzie, hi.
- Oh, hello!
- Football's actually
just finished,
so we actually need
to get you to makeup
and get you into makeup
and get everyone set down,
because we're actually
literally just about to start.
- God, he looks
just like you, Cob.
- Yeah?
- Oh, God.
[ringing continues]
- No, there's not
enough seats, darling.
- Well, hang on, I've
got a spare seat.
- Mum, can we not? Okay?
We can't...
- She's got a spare seat.
- We can't be swapping seats.
There's a rule in
the house, okay?
- Ah, there's a rule about that.
- People have been
background-checked,
that you've been
background-checked.
Oh, my God, anyway,
Dad doesn't want to.
- Listen, I will do anything
just to make sure he's okay.
- Yeah, exactly. Come
on, it's Christmas.
- You need to leave...
- Oh, excuse me, it's Christmas.
- No, Cob, you might not
actually want to go in there.
- Well, was that a
Christmas present, Cob,
when you sent him
home with no hair?
- I beg your pardon?
He's entitled to do what
he wants with his hair.
- Never said anything about
wanting to cut his hair.
- Oh, hasn't he? Well,
I'm so glad he's no longer
just a f*cking extension of you!
[ringing continues]
- Oh.
[ringing continues]
- Um, Una, could you get...
put Frank, in the audience
with his dad?
Can you help me
sort that, please?
- Sure.
- Thanks, Una.
- Okay. Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Hey, costume, come in.
- Just one minute.
- Headed to you now.
Front of house, can you come in?
Can you make sure
that Suzie's family are
seated in row A, please?
[indistinct chatter]
[drumroll]
[percussive music]
- You're a f*cking idiot.
♪ ♪
- Yeah, copy that.
I'm in costume with Suzie now.
Yeah, eyes on wardrobe.
Anyone have eyes on wardrobe?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
Oh, it's just for a second.
- They don't like us doing that.
- No, please. Listen.
You know, if someone...
I just want to know if
someone has come to you, okay,
and asked you to talk about
things that are happening
behind the scenes, if they had,
I want you to know that I
would totally understand
if you told that, okay?
- Suzie?
- No, seriously, I know
what they're like, okay?
And I know they
pay you sh*t here.
And I have money, okay?
- No, Suzie, not...
- No, please, please, I just
want you to know, just for me,
that I would be happy to
offer as much for something
to be taken back, if that's...
Like, I don't even
know if they do that.
I just... you know, I can't...
I really just can't.
Okay, I can't. I
can't. I can't.
I can't wake up tomorrow
and look at my phone.
And I just...
- Suzie, no, no, sorry.
I'm really... I don't
know... I'm sorry.
Are you talking about a news
story about you and Danny?
- Me and Danny. Yes.
I would never...
- Because...
- I would never do that.
- But listen, 'cause it
doesn't mean anything, okay?
It's just, on this
show, a week is a month.
And there's, like, five points
of body contact all day.
And a dance is the
same as a shag,
and it doesn't mean anything.
But if you know who might
know or who'd be likely to,
then I'll talk to them.
I'll talk to them.
- No, I mean, I'm really sorry.
But everyone knows.
[knock at door]
- Look who it is.
[laughs]
- Oh, my God!
- Suzie.
- I haven't seen you in so long!
- Come here, I've
got it all ready.
- Oh.
How are you?
- I'm fine, thank you.
- Yeah, Cat's daughter's
got norovirus,
so I'm just help it out a bit.
Oh.
I used to dress this one
back when she was a singer...
A tiny singer.
- She was there when
they were stuffing me
into all that f*cking
gear like a teenage prosi.
- Did all of your '90s eyebrows.
- Oh, my God, I hated that.
- I'm just going to be outside.
- Okay.
- That's not how I remember it.
No one was putting
you in anything.
It was all like, "Oh,
no, none of that.
"I don't want that.
Oh, no, that's too loose."
You knew what you were doing.
Give the people what they want.
All right, little Pickles.
[laughter]
Do you remember?
You were having an affair
with some married guy.
And it's... it's only recently
I realised it must
have been Bailey Quinn.
- God.
- It's crazy how things
come round again, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Una?
- Yeah?
- I know what I want
to do about Danny.
I need Sian and Holland.
- Uh, yeah, but
Stella's just gone on,
so we need you in makeup now...
Well, actually,
earlier than now.
- Can you bring them to
makeup for me, please?
- Okay, yes. Yeah, yeah.
- Can we get Suzie
to makeup, please?
- Okay.
So two people f*ck in
a dance competition.
Who cares?
What I want to do is offer
them something different.
I mean, you sometimes
see that, right?
- I have, on occasion,
thrown other clients
under the bus for you.
But obviously I wouldn't do
that to you for someone else.
- Yeah.
- So you did.
You have with Danny
after, you know, months
of our trying to
turn you around.
- So offer them that
my ex-husband wants
to take my son away
from me at Christmas
for doing this show...
That, basically,
because I've got a job,
my ex wants to separate
a mother from her son.
And that he insists
I do drug testing.
- Okay, well, it's going to be
obvious that it came from you.
- Okay, well, not really,
because my friend's
been dealing with all
the texts and emails,
and I can provide those,
because, basically,
this is true.
I mean, that's just... that's
what's amazing about it,
is we could swap this
story for the Danny story.
And what's great is that
everything that I'm saying
is that it's true.
It's incredible.
Actually, he's just
telling the truth.
I don't have to
remember anything.
- Do you know how hard it
was to get you on this show?
And then to get you back on it?
- Yeah, they're not going to go
with the harrowing
custody dispute.
They're going to go
with two people f*ck
in a dance competition.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Really? Because I'm
not the story here
when it comes to Danny
Carno and affairs, okay?
And not just with women.
So I think that's
more of the story.
- We can't out him.
He's a footballer.
- Okay, sure, but he would
be winning as a bisexual man.
They literally have no
representation at all.
- Right?
- Oh, I think we've just
found Holland's line.
Look, I'm just saying
what's true, all right?
You can do what
you want with that.
- Okay, well, there's some
lines that we just don't cross.
Okay?
- Well...
- Hey, Suzie,
you're due onstage.
Can anyone not involved
in the show leave?
- Ideally, if Danny wins,
which I hope he does,
he'll be winning as
an out bisexual man.
- We should just brace
ourselves for tomorrow.
- All right, everyone out.
Let's start traveling!
- She said she's
doing it without me.
- No, no, no, no.
Obviously base.
- Okay, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
- Traveling now to stage.
Can we get wardrobe, please?
[high-pitched ringing,
indistinct chatter]
- And is sound on their way?
Katie, when are we doing sound?
- We're going to do it
on the way to the stage.
It's fine. Don't
worry about it.
[electronic music]
- Are they set?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, right.
♪ ♪
- Sorry about that.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer speaking
indistinctly over PA]
Coming to the stage,
we have Suzie Pickles,
paired up with Danny Carno.
[applause]
- Yes.
- Like 30 seconds to get there.
- Right.
- But then it's
time for Suzie...
[cheers and applause]
[indistinct chatter]
- Just check that she's mic'd?
- Yeah, she's mic'd. Yeah.
- Two, one, two.
- Whatever happens next, thank
you for voting for me today.
♪ ♪
- Now, for your delectation,
one of our four finalists.
A fighter, a
sweetheart, a phoenix!
Suzie Pickles.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Oh, Suzie!
[cheers and applause]
Suzie! Suzie! Suzie!
- Love you, Suzie!
[cheers and applause continue]
[soft music playing]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I am the girl you know ♪
♪ Can't look you in the eye ♪
♪ I am the girl you know ♪
♪ I lie, I lie and lie ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I'm Miss World ♪
♪ Watch me beg ♪
♪ And watch me move ♪
♪ No one is listening ♪
♪ I made my bed,
I'll lie in it ♪
♪ I made my bed,
I'll die in it ♪
♪ I made my bed,
I'll lie in it ♪
♪ I made my bed,
I'll die in it ♪
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Where's Frank?
- Oh, my God, that was amazing.
People loved it.
- Can you find out
where they are?
- Yeah.
[bell ringing]
- Because I'm pretty sure my son
wasn't in his seat at the end.
- Um, okay, I'll
call front and ask.
- Is he okay? Where are they?
- I don't know... I'm
calling front of house now.
- My feet.
- Do we have a location
on Suzie's family?
- Well done!
- Hey, hey.
- Hi. Your husband and
your son have been taken
to your dressing room.
- My dressing room?
Why are they in
my dressing room?
Why are they not
in the green room?
- It's over capacity. There's
a number of guests in there
who say they're your agents.
- Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
[distant cheers and applause]
- Look, at this point...
[cell phone buzzing, ringing]
- Hello?
- Hi, Suzie, It's Tim
here, from Haskins and Co.
- Just one second.
I won't be a minute.
All right.
- Suzie?
- Yeah?
- Just checking you can hear me.
- Yeah, I haven't got long.
- Hi, Suzie. It's
Poppy here, too.
Can you hear us?
- Yes, I can hear you.
- Okay.
Your hair follicle tests
have come back inconclusive.
- Okay. Um, so what's that?
- That just means that
they're unable to ascertain
from the sample
whether there are
any banned substances present.
- Right, so they
didn't find any,
so it's not a positive test.
- No, it's not a positive test.
It's come back as inconclusive.
- f*ck, yes! f*ck, yes!
- No, Suzie, it basically means
they can't accurately determine
if there are any banned
substances present
because the hair
has been damaged
with peroxide and ammonia.
- But they didn't find
any drugs, though.
- No. But he may argue you
dyed your hair on purpose
to obscure the results.
- No, no, I had to dye my hair.
I had to go blonde for
work, for the show.
So should we go
back? Can we go back?
- [sighs] It's Christmas
Eve, so we can't go back.
This won't stand up as a
negative drug test result
simply because it isn't.
- So what happens?
- We don't want to send
these results to him.
We don't want him to
have any ammunition
he could use in future disputes.
We think the smart move
is to gift him Christmas.
- This is just a battle, Suzie.
It's not the w*r.
- Well, I didn't want to
be in a battle or a w*r.
- We need to prepare for him
applying for full custody,
which he's threatening to do.
We need your character
to be whiter than white.
[knock at door]
- Yeah?
- Can we get Phoebe's
costume, please?
- Suzie?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[door opens]
- Costume's in six
minutes, Suzie.
- Yep.
- Hey.
Oh.
- He wanted to be
backstage with you,
and he was starting
to make a fuss.
- You said you wanted
to sit with your dad.
[door closes]
Oh, honey, you can't...
- He's having a
tough time, Suze.
I mean, this is...
this is chaos.
He doesn't even know where
he's spending Christmas.
He can spend it with you.
- Were they positive?
The results...
they f*cking were.
- No, I don't want to
talk about it right now.
Let's talk about it later.
- [laughing] Oh, my God.
Oh, f*ck, Suzie.
You know...
when there's this much
chaos around a person,
eventually you have
to ask yourself
if it's 'cause
they quite like it.
- Frank.
- He deserves to be here.
It affects him personally...
- Stop.
- Okay.
- Stop.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for what
happened in reception.
I'm sorry I raised my voice.
But I'm going to have to
f*cking say something now,
for my m*therf*cking soul, okay?
Even though it's unbelievably
humiliating and painful
to do it.
I feel like I have to...
I have to say this.
Look, I just...
Just know, I think maybe this
isn't the right thing to do.
I really think this might not be
the right thing to
do for this guy.
And I feel like I
wouldn't forgive myself
if I didn't say to
you that I do...
I-I think we both
did love each other
properly at one point.
- Don't engage with this.
- And I think...
- I just can't engage
with this right now.
- It would be...
- I just can't. I can't.
And I'm actually, I'm
actually really angry
that you're doing this.
- Well, my therapist says
that I may also carry
some anger issues.
So I'm aware that's something
I need to think about.
- Please, just... Please.
- It's not just...
- Why do you experience
everything as a threat?
- I'm not...
- Even when somebody
says that they love you.
- I just think this
is quite cruel.
- How is this cruel?
[scoffs]
That is never going to
not be your story, is it?
I'm standing here with
my f*cking pants down,
trying to... and... and you're...
- This is what I...
- And you're still
being the victim.
- Why? Why do you keep...
- What? Trying to
save our family?
I f*cking meant it
when I married you.
I meant it.
And we're going to be in each
other's lives for the rest...
Well, we... we're... we're...
Anyway, we might as well be in
each other's lives properly.
What's the f*cking... I know
this is what you turn to,
and I know that you love this
bullshit, but it's not real.
I'm sorry, it's not real.
Suzie, you're going to
finish second at best
to a weak defender turned
f*cking Twitch streamer.
None of this is worth it.
All right, buddy.
Okay, I get it.
[no audio]
[light whooshing]
[door opens]
- Hello, hi.
They asked me to bring
these up from reception,
because apparently
there are too many
and they're causing
a fire hazard.
- Oh, my God, where are
they... What are they?
- "Sorry I wasn't
good enough for you."
- Well, it's...
- Oh, well, what
the f*ck is this?
- Bailey's bored.
Hey, um, Una?
- Can't bloody believe it.
- Yeah?
- Okay, this is too
many flowers now.
- Sorry, here.
- Please take that.
But take those home.
- Okay, thank you.
- Let's just get these out
and give them to people,
- Very good.
- You're a saint.
- I think I see
what's happening here.
I mean, you're not even
remotely this lovable,
by the way.
- Yes, I know.
And also, stop.
- I thought you changed,
actually, the way
you've been messaging me.
It's been awful,
obviously, 'cause it's you,
but at least it's been direct.
At least I've
understood what you mean
and who the f*ck you are.
- It wasn't me messaging
you, Cob, it's Naomi.
Here, take these.
- Oh, okay, you kept that
one quiet, didn't you?
- Well, that's
kind of the point.
- Lovely.
- Eh.
- Right, Okay. All right.
- Sorry.
- Okay, f*ck me.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
You know, she thinks you're
crazy, too, by the way.
- No, I did not say that.
- Yes, you did.
- I did not say that.
- She said it after work at
dinner in that Italian place,
and I offered you my spunk.
- Oh, yeah, great.
- That's really clever.
- Nice one.
We were talking
about your IVF sh*t,
and you said you thought she'd
gone crazy, so there you go.
- Well, I mean, of course
she's crazy... anyone would be.
I don't think that's a
contentious thing to say.
Sorry.
- Okay, great.
Well, I'm going to go.
Listen, I've got to go, okay?
You're going to stay with Naomi.
Okay, can we get Frank and
his dad next to each other?
- Yeah.
- Get them some seats?
- I can reseat them
now, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great. Okay, so she's
going to try and sort it out.
I've got to go.
I love you, okay?
I've got to go to work.
- Come on.
Mummy's having a bad night.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I just don't know
what's been going on with you.
- Nothing's going on
with me, f*cking hell.
Apart from my job as your
unpaid nanny, mediator,
secret agent, which is nowhere
near as cool as it sounds,
by the way.
- Okay, Naomi.
Why don't you just
hook yourself up?
Just invoice me.
I'm sorry I don't have
some weird rich family
who just suddenly give
me a deposit for a house.
But sure.
- You're mature.
- Yeah, I'm probably crazy.
- Oh, God, really?
Okay.
- Did you f*ck him?
- I'm not you.
- All right. Bye, mate.
- Okay, bye!
- f*cking bye!
- See ya!
[door slams]
- Nay?
Nay?
[distant orchestral
music playing]
[distant cheers and applause]
- Okay.
- Hi.
[grunts]
- Let's get these fellas on.
- ♪ Silent night ♪
- Ah, these don't fit anyone.
- That's it.
If you pull on, I'll
keep it straight.
There you go.
Lovely.
- I can't believe
tomorrow it's all over.
- Yeah.
I've got money on you, you know?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Mm, Zach's very charming, but...
charm wears off.
And British public aren't
going to vote for Stella.
I mean, you'll have to lick
a boot, but not that much.
[sighs] Now, Danny,
yeah, he's the real deal.
- ♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪
- But you're more
interesting than any of them.
It's you who'll be all
over the papers tomorrow.
- [snorts]
- ♪ Silent night... ♪
- Okay.
Let's have a look at you.
[inhales deeply] Ah.
Oh, this is f*cking great.
- Yeah?
- It's a shame you've got
to wear a jacket over it.
- That's what I think.
- You've been doing
this your whole life.
You f*cking show 'em.
[cheers and applause]
[electronic music]
♪ ♪
- [softly] f*ck you.
f*ck you.
f*ck you.
- One! Ten seconds and
we're live, people!
- [mouthing words]
- Clear the floor!
- And now this is it, folks...
The last dance of
"Dance Crazee Xmas"!
Our two remaining couples
will compete in the dance-off.
It's your last chance to
decide who will be crowned
the "Dance Crazee" champion!
Let's give it up for Stella,
Zach, Danny, and Suzie.
[crowd shouting]
[electronic music playing]
♪ ♪
- Aah!
♪ ♪
- ♪ Dancing freaky ♪
♪ 'Cause you know the
vibe is watching ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
♪ ♪
[alarm sounding]
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪
- ♪ Snow's coming down ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪
♪ I'm watching...
Watching... watching... ♪
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Okay, so that is
us for the night.
Amazing.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, amazing!
Okay, so...
as you can see, voting
has been going wild.
What we do now is add
the couple's score
to their individual score.
That is happening right now.
And we are going to see
who is our "Dance
Crazee" champion 2022.
[cheers and applause]
Suzie Pickles!
Oh, my God!
- Aah!
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
- Yes!
- Suzie Pickles,
you are Great Britain's
favorite dancer,
the "Dance Crazee" champion!
[cheers and applause]
Suzie, you're our
winner. How does it feel?
- Oh.
Well, th...
Thank you.
I mean, they say this is, um...
a-a journey.
Oh, my God. Um...
Look, I just...
I want to say thank you
to the people at home,
'cause you're the ones
who have actually been
there for me, you know?
And, like, seen me
through all of this.
Like, the real me.
Like, that was just...
Anyway, look, this
has been a trip
and...
the best moment of my life.
No, actually, the best
moment of my life...
- We love you, Suzie.
- And the person this is all for
is you, Frank.
Whatever you read about
Mummy, Frank, I love you...
so, so much.
This is for you.
Everything is for you.
- Thank you, Suzie.
- And I'm so...
I'm so sorry I can't be
with you this Christmas...
- It's been an emotional
evening for all of us.
Well, that's
Christmas, isn't it?
- Like I promised.
- Let's hear it for our
winner, Suzie Pickles.
- You're not going to
be with me this year.
You're going to be with your...
- Let's not forget
our other contestants.
- Okay, you're taking him out.
f*cking go with it.
Oh, f*ck it.
You don't know.
Who cares?
Who f*cking cares?
[all gasp]
- Live TV, folks.
[indistinct chatter]
- But this is... this is true,
because this is
something I had to do
because my hair went to sh*t...
because of Frank's dad.
So, sorry about that.
- So let's roll the retake.
And here's Suzie's best bits.
- I need to get her off.
- Can't test me now.
And thank you, Jacob,
because you're not
taking anything else
away from me
anymore that's mine.
It's just this
really incredible...
That's mine! That's mine!
I'm really grateful.
Oh!
I should probably say
thank you to a few people.
Oh, look, the cameras are going.
Well, that's how you know.
- Suzie, Suzie, don't.
Don't do this, okay?
Just pop that back on.
Okay?
- No.
- Think of the
custody situation.
- I'm not going to lose
custody for not having hair.
- You are for not having
hair on television.
- Oh, Sian. You're
just an agent.
- Suzie?
She's exhausted.
[indistinct chatter]
- We're gonna keep
running VTs, guys.
- Relax. Relax.
- No drama here.
- But where's Naomi?
Naomi, I mean, she's out
there somewhere, right?
Or did she... did she go?
Did she actually go?
[pop music playing]
Oh, she's gone.
[high-pitched ringing]
- Let's go home.
- Oh, Nay.
Well done.
[laughing] I'm so
proud of you, Nay.
Your boundaries.
You've... you've gone.
I'm so happy for you.
- ♪ Stars in your eyes ♪
- Okay, they're playing music
now, so they want us to dance.
- Maybe we should go somewhere
you'd be more comfortable.
- Everyone come and dance.
So they want us to dance!
I want to thank my mum.
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, well done, sweetheart.
- They love me, Mum.
Well, I would like
to thank my dad,
who can't be here this evening.
Thank you, Dad, for
your consistency.
Whee! [laughing]
Oh!
Whee!
Baby!
- Let... let's...
- No, no, we're going
to have a dance.
- We're dancing.
- Come on, guys.
- We're going to...
- Please, please?
- Come this way.
- Let's go home, love.
You were happy there.
- I wasn't happy.
I was just whatever
you wanted me to be,
which happened to be happy.
- So what?
♪ ♪
- Danny, they love me.
Everyone loves me!
- You've ruined my life.
- Oh come on, darling,
it's just a stupid
dancing competition.
Oh!
[gasping]
I will never, ever,
ever let you down.
[breathing heavily]
♪ ♪
I'd like to tell my agents
they've been so great.
Oh, are we going off?
I mean, there's normally
someone here to tell you.
Wait, which way do I go off?
- ♪ To the circus in the sky ♪
- Whoa!
[laughing]
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Now it's time to go.
- Mm-mm.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.
- Come on, it's time to go.
- No. No!
- We're just going
to help you out.
- I don't want to go!
No! No!
[sustained beep]
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02x03 - Episode 3
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Follows the life of actress Suzie Pickles (Piper) whose life is thrown into turmoil when her phone is hacked and compromising photographs of her are leaked.
Follows the life of actress Suzie Pickles (Piper) whose life is thrown into turmoil when her phone is hacked and compromising photographs of her are leaked.