02x01 - g*y Miles Per Hour

[bunniefuu]

This program me contains scenes which some
viewers may find upsetting from the start,

some strong language
and some violent scenes.

BIRDS CAW

BUZZER

It's Ben. I'm
working the festival.

BUZZER Hello?

Hello?

Hello? GOAT BLEATS.

MUSIC PLAYS

SNORING

WHISPERS: Hey!

SHE MURMURS Wake up!

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

I didn't drink it.

They gave us tea and
then told us to wait. I

I didn't have any.
This way, boys.

They should be fast asleep.

All right. OK.

Get them all tagged
and moved into holding.

Wait. Hang on. We had
a late cancellation.

We won't need one of the boys.

Him? The redhead.

UNTRANSLATED

Help! Help! No!

SOBBING: Please!

Help! Please, help!

Let go!

Who's this?
Administrative error.

Really?

It's a big bloody error.

Please, please, please,
please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt
me. Hey. Hey. Sh.

Calm down. Just breathe.
Breathe through your nose.

Root yourself.

Oh, that's it. Good boy.

Down, regulate your
stress response.

What are you doing?

It's eucalyptus balm.

You're at, like, 11, yeah?

Like, "Ooh." And I
need you at a three.

OK.

OK.

Ow.

Oh, f*ck.

HE WAILS

SIZZLING, WAILING

HE SCREAMS

HE WAILS

I... appreciate... you.

All right.

Today's guests on the
Conspiracy Minute podcast

sent us 500 emails

just begging us to
come on the show.

We were supposed to have
the flat-earthers on,

but they... Fell off the
face of the earth. Zing!

So, yeah, we caved.

And instead, here to tell us all
about their high-sea adventure is...

Jamie Walsh. Vivian Lim.

Well, first, a reminder
of how this section

of the show works.
Kylo. OK, cool. Yeah.

So we give our guests 60 seconds

to share with us their
interesting theories.

Like, "What if yoga positions are
a secret way of worshipping Satan?"

And, "Does drinking sparkling
water actually turn you g*y?"

Oh, fizzy! We sh**t the
sh*t, apply critical thought

and then we decided if their
theories are the real deal

or if it's just...

Bullshit!

Right, here we go, then.

Truth fears no trial.

Right.

Seven months ago, we were
working on a Velorum cruise ship.

I went there to try and find
out what happened to my sister,

Pippa Walsh. They say
that she jumped overboard.

She didn't.

Velorum had her k*lled because
she uncovered something.

Some of the first-class guests
were paying to m*rder the crew.

We saw what was going
on and we shut it down.

We got off the ship and then...

And then it was all covered up.

They called it a
disruptive event.

They made our uprising look
like a protest over conditions.

When we got to the port,

there were lawyers waiting
with fat chequebooks.

I mean, nobody is listening.

This is happening on every
single one of their ships.

Every single one of them.

The police, governments, they're
all in Owen Deveraux's pocket.

The Deveraux family
owns Velorum...

And that is time!

Right, OK. Well, that
really is something.

I'm going to jump in, though.

Where are your
friends, colleagues,

other people who saw
what was going on?

Too scared to speak out.

Or they took hush
money pay-outs.

Velorum paid a
lot of people off.

We actually have a statement
here from Thomas Devereaux,

Velorum's CEO, that I'm
going to read out. Oh!

"Mr Walsh's colleagues
aboard the Sacramentum

"confirm his story is

"a fantasy." Oh!

"Mr Walsh committed serious
identity fraud to board our ship."

"However, we understand his actions
were a result of mental ill health"

"and we have chosen not to
press charges at this time."

What is this? Let me see. Do you
fancy a holiday, Kylo? Always.

Good, because Velorum are also
sharing a special discount code

exclusively with our listeners.

They're giving us a 10%
discount on any Velorum voyage.

All you've got to do is use

the code "IWANTTOBELIEVE"
at checkout.

That is, "IWANTTOBELIEVE."

We are telling the truth!

Call it, my friend.

Bullshit!

Someone really needs to take
podcasts away from straight men.

We've got Velorum nervous.

Your optimism is actually
disturbing sometimes.

They're always going to use
the sell-outs against us.

Someone from the ship
will do the right thing.

We just keep begging
them to speak up.

I'm expecting a call from Brian.

Who the hell is Brian?

Gloria.

Hole. The drag queen
from the Sacramentum.

Right. Yeah.

What is wrong?

I'm just played out, Jamie.

I'm broke as a joke and work
caught me stealing food.

Do you know how degrading it is

trying to hide a calzone
in your cycle shorts?

I mean, I knew we'd make
sacrifices going after Velorum,

but it's been seven months

and we've got f*ck-all
to show for it.

Not one bit of evidence.

I can't go back to my parents.

That is never going
to happen, all right?

I won't let it.

Look, we can't give up now.
We are edging so close.

I can feel it.

If Brian speaks up, others from
the Sacramentum will follow.

"Edging"?

Would your sister want you
"edging" for the rest of your life?

Oh, my God. Can we not talk about
edging and my sister, please?

Well, it's not all about Pippa.

SCOFFS

It's literally always
been about her.

You're not ready to let go.

You've still got her
bench in your bedroom.

I...

haven't found a
place for it yet.

Right.

Look, we are doing this for all
the lives that they destroyed.

Mm-hm. For what they did to you.

I know. You're right. It's...

I just want us to know
when it's time to call it.

PHONE VIBRATES

It's Brian.

Yeah.

Hello? Jamie.

I'm just finishing
up a story-time.

I read the little ones
Angela's Ashes. They loved it!

Have you...? Have you
had a chance to...?

I'll stop you there, twinkle.
Don't preach to the converted.

Sh! He said...

"Well, Clarice, have the
lambs stopped screaming?"

MIMICS HANNIBAL LECTER

I've been a coward, Jamie.

I've held my tongue
for far too long.

But, you know, after everything
that happened on that ship,

I just wanted to
forget, you know?

I haven't had a full night's
sleep in God knows how long.

I have bags under my eyes
the size of Tipperary.

I shouldn't have taken
Velorum's blood money.

I know that now.

So, I'm in.

Whatever you need. I'm just...
I'm sorry it wasn't sooner.

Great. That's...

That's amazing.

We should meet up at. I
have this brunch to get to.

Mama needs to earn
her daily bread,

but I'll call you after.

You won't regret this.

Let's nail these b*stards.

Yes!

CLANG

CRACKLING

Who's there?

Is that you, Miss Minge?

RADIO: Padam Padam
by Kylie Minogue.

SPITS

Oh.

EXHALES Jesus.

MUSIC CONTINUES

The front door was unlocked.

MUSIC STOPS

Cormac... it's me.

Listen, I don't know where you
are, but we could really do

with you and Rosie's
support so just

just call me back, please.

Anything from the
staff whistle-blowers?

Naomi,

of the Lunar Princess Ship,

has blocked me.

Erm...

Mario, air steward, says
he's down for hooking up,

but I don't think he's actually
understood what whistle-blowing is.

But Ben, the sound engineer,

he's being sent to the
festival in Slovenia.

He's gone a few days
early to scope it out.

FLY TRAP CRACKLES

Hungry?

PHONE VIBRATES

The police just called.

Brian's dead.

Who?

"51-year-old drag performer
Brian Doyle died this morning"

"of a suspected overdose"

"whilst appearing at a
library story-time event."

We just spoke on the
phone a few hours ago.

"One witness took to Twitter and
said, 'The world's gone mad.'"

"Doyle died in a highly sexualised
manner, inappropriate for children."

Vivian, call me back.

I think it's happening.

It's them.

Hey. Where are you going?

Brian took hush money and
look where it got him.

He was keeping quiet and
they still went after him.

How do you know it's Velorum?

It's them.

Do you have Sophia's address?

Sophia? Why?

Everyone who took a pay-out
has been in our way.

This is our chance to show
that they're not safe.

Velorum weren't buying their
silence. They were buying time.

They could be coming
after all of us.

OK. I'm coming with.

OK. Where are you going?

Nervous wee.

Sorry, Jamie. Can
you slow down a bit?

Cos I can't walk at g*y mph.

Sophia's lot aren't even aren't
even allowed to talk to us.

They all signed NDAs.

NDAs aren't going to save
them from what's coming.

MUSIC BLARES

KNOCKING ON DOOR

What do you want?

Hmm? Absolutely not.

No. You can't be here.

We need to talk.

There's been... No!

You need to stop
darkening our doorstep

and piss off back to Zone 4

you h*m* harbinger of doom. OK.

Spending your
blood money wisely?

Oh.

No. Sophia's paying
for all this.

I bought crypto.

Bye!

Jamie. Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie!

Hey. We're going for drinks
if you want to come. Um.

I can't.

Sorry.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe another time.

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Dinner.

Thanks.

Night, Vivian.

I'll...

I'll lock...

I'll get... I'll lock up.

Right. Yeah.

Night.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR OPENS

You back already?

Des?

Des?

Des?

Cormac! Rosie?

What the hell are
you doing here?

You're being hunted.

Again.

MUSIC BLARES

INAUDIBLE

Can you leave?

Jesus.

Seriously, stop.

Really annoying me
tonight, actually.

Don't have time for this.

Oh, my God! Whoa!

Oh, my God. Fish boy!

Beth!

And Laura!

Lauren.

How are you, guys?

I haven't seen you in so long!

Are you good? How are you?

What have you been up...?

Did you used to have a beard?

Did you not used to have a...?

MUSIC CHANGES Oh, my God!

SHE SCREECHES

Guys, wait there. I'll be back!

SHE YELLS

I know how she spent her money.

Watered down vodka cranberry?

Olly! Hey, Lauren.

Hey.

LAUGHS

What are you doing here?

Erm...

I'm going to... Yeah,
I'll leave you guys to...

Yeah, OK.

How have you...
been? Actually, I...

How...?

Carry on. Be over here.

How have you been?
Yeah. Fine. You?

Yeah. No. Really good. Yeah.

You look stressed.

It's just my face.

I've missed your face.

So, Sophia.

Since when were you guys pals?

Not many people have been
through what we have.

They get it.

They're trying to move on.

It's easier to move on when you've
sold your soul for all this.

I never took any money.

This isn't moving on.
It's disassociating.

Sorry. You, of all people,
talking about disassociating.

You literally disassociated
from life, from me.

I never wanted to
walk out on you.

On Operation Burn Velorum.

But there wasn't a lot
of burning going on.

You're unknowable.

Brian's dead.

Who's Brian?

For me, I did, you
know, a natural look.

I just had some tiny
tweakments, you know?

Brow lift, eye lift, lip filler,

chin shave, ear pinning,

buccal fat removal,

tummy tuck, laser resurfacing

and shoulder implants

because the business of
show is VERY competitive.

Come on. It's bedtime.

It was so nice to meet you...
Beth, you need to get up!

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC STOPS

Can you hear them?

Oh, not again.

They're here.

I can hear them in the walls.

Shut her up. What do
you want me to do?

Are we back on the ship?
They're inside here.

Sorry. Can you put your
phone away, please?

I'm not just... PHONES BEEP

Beth, we're going to go
to bed now. She's fine.

SHE WAILS I can
hear them so loudly.

How can you not hear them?

Beth, we're going to go.
Get your hands off...

They're inside the walls.
They're inside the walls.

Let go of the boy. Let
go of the nice man.

Up we go.

f*ck sake.

Right. That's it.

Party's over.

Everyone out. Come on.

Yeah. Out we go.

You, too.

That's my f*cking jacket

so you can leave that at the
door. Thank you very much.

PHONE VIBRATES

BEEP

Lauren. It's happening
here at the festival.

You guys have to do something.

Someone's coming. I need to go.

You're on the run?
Velorum letting us go

just didn't sit right
so we went off-grid

moved into my mam's
attic back in Ballyboe.

It's been a challenging time.

Thoughts and prayers.

Yesterday, I'm in the shed...

Oh! SHEEP BLEATS.

Yeah, I know.

And this big, terrifying
b*stard jumps me.

He was wearing one of
those plastic quacky masks.

STRAINS: Rosie... Rosie!

I f*cked him up

and I got Rosie out of there.

It's them, Vivian.

They're coming for us.

We couldn't call.

He thinks they might
be tracking us.

Because they are!

Look, we tried your place
first, but there's nobody there.

Sophia, just hear
me out, please.

Gloria's dead.

Brian from the Sacramentum?

Yes, I know who
Gloria is, dicks hit.

So, is that what you
came here to tell us?

I read about it on PinkNews.

What? As an ally, it's my
duty to stay informed, OK?

It's awful.

I liked Brian, but

he wasn't m*rder*d.

What, so he took his
own life, did he?

We've heard that one
before, haven't we?

He took a pay-out,
just like you did.

He was keeping quiet

and they still went after him.

It's not too late.
If you speak up

and show that Velorum bought
you off... Nobody bought us off.

Is that not a Banksy?

SCOFFS

Look

it's a miracle we ever
got off that ship.

Disaster turned to opportunity,

and we took it.

We know what they're capable of.

Pardon us for just
trying to stay alive.

Yes, Brian, he
was keeping quiet,

so if it was them.

I don't know why
they'd turn on him.

Do you want to wait to find out?

Hey, guys, it's
your boy, Hamish.

Now, there are no
short-cuts to getting rich,

but there are smart
ways to go about it.

So why be poor

when YOU can live
the full fantasy?

Okurr!

They won't miss it.

You need a lift?

Oh, please! We'll
get a taxi. Thanks.

Oh, sure. Right.

I guess I'll just
see you guys around.

Guess so. Yeah.

You need to see this.

Sorry. Can you just...? Yeah.

Erm... Ben, the whistle-blower
I mentioned earlier,

he's in Slovenia
for the festival.

He sent me this.

This is it, Jamie.

This could be what we need.

Stop scrolling.

Let me help you to level up.

Real talk, sis.

I'm slaying the game and
making serious dollar

in my sleep.

And for just £599,

you can too.

Beth?

HAMISH CHOKES

WHIRRING

HAMISH CHOKES AND SPLUTTERS

Hamish?

You better not be playing
soggy biscuit again.

This is a no carbs household.

Hamish?

Hello?

SHE SCREAMS

SCREAMS

Please, don't be annoyed.
I blocked the toilet.

I'm sorry. Please don't be cross.
It's the cranberry juice...

Beth, Beth, Beth...

SHE WAILS

HEAVY BREATHING

It's taking forever.

This looks bad.

Are they...?

Dead?

No.

They're drugged.

You said, after what
we did on the ship,

maybe it put off stab
by cruise enthusiasts.

Right, well, what if it did?

And what if this festival
is Velorum diversifying?

SCREAMING

SHE SCREAMS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

VEHICLE APPROACHES No!

Get in!

Drive!

What the f*ck was
that? Who was that?

Are we sure we shouldn't
just try the police?

No. No. No, we
can't trust anyone.

Jamie! Jamie!

Are you all right?

Are you OK? Yeah, you?

Are you all right? Are you OK?

Yeah. You? Yeah. Yeah.

Sophia's OK.

She's getting looked at.

Have you guys got
phones with you?

You need to get rid
of them right now.

They'll be halfway here by now.

We need to move.

We're safe here. No!

No. Nowhere is safe, Oliver.

And, statistically speaking,

you're more likely to die in
a hospital than anywhere else.

We need to hide. Cormac,
no. I'm done hiding.

Rosie's right. We
can't hide forever.

This is us or them.

We're not just a threat any
more. We've embarrassed them.

We need to hit back.

They're untouchable.

How have none of you
realised that yet?

"Exodum"?

Slovenia?!

"An exclusive invite-only platform
for visionaries and change-makers?"

Velorum's new venture.

Elite wellness for
the New World Order.

I usually go private.

But I still clapped
for you guys.

Every night.

Hey.

Can I get a xanny?

DOOR OPENS

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CREAKS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hello, Barbie.

MUFFLED SCREAMING, CRUNCH

Aaaaargh!

SHE SCREAMS

We didn't say anything.

I did what you told us to do.

Oh, come on, Barbie.

I just want to play a little
game of doctors and nurses.

Oh, I've been waiting
for this for a long time.

Did you miss me?

Did you?!

Aaargh!

Oh, Jesus. Go! Go!

Oh.

Ah.

They probably sent Beaker cos
he knows who he's looking for.

I hate that
molester-tached prick.

But who's the other
one, the tall one?

There could be dozens of them
out there looking for us.

Show them.

Um...

Look, so I have been speaking
to Velorum staff on the inside.

And this guy...

Oh... er...

Ah...

Sorry. Um, on the inside,
there's this guy, Ben.

He's a sound engineer,

he's in Slovenia,
at Exodum now. Look.

These are people they are
lining up for slaughter.

They need help.

And we need solid proof and
I think we're looking at it.

We've asked him if
he can get us in.

Oh! There it is.

You want us to go to Slovenia.

It's not going to be
like the ship, all right?

We won't be stuck. He said if
we can get there by tomorrow,

he can get us in the back.

What? Whoa, whoa. Hang on.

There's no way.
OK? Not a chance.

Think about it. There's
nowhere that's safe.

But this festival, it...

It is the last place
they'd look for us.

In their own house. Exactly.

How do you know this Ben?

Well, I've been speaking
to him for months, and

he's really nice.

Oh, yeah? Well, if he's nice!

We gave it all we could
out here. We tried and

yeah, you lot took the money,
you made things difficult,

but we wouldn't have needed
you if we had evidence.

We help those people
because no-one else will.

We get proof of whatever
f*cked-up game Velorum are playing

and we get out.

Vivian's right. This
only ends if we end them.

I know we can do this.

And Beaker the Creeper?

I mean, how long
before HE catches up?

I think I might know
someone who could help.

Where is he?

He'll be here.

OK. Your cover is you
are my sound team.

You won't have to do much

shift speakers, chat sh*t
about sensorial input.

I need you here first thing.

So go to the back
gate, wait for me.

I know a guy
working in security.

I mentioned the Sacramentum.

I mean, he didn't have a clue
who you are, so that's something.

I'm... I'm looking forward to
finally meeting you, Lauren.

Someone's got to
nail these companies.

CAR HORN BLARES

MUSIC: Ain't No Rest For The
Wicked by Cage The Elephant.

♪ I was walking down the street
when out the corner of my eye

♪ I saw a pretty little
thing approaching me

♪ She said, I never seen a
man who looks so all alone

♪ Uh, could you use
a little company?

♪ If you pay the right price
your evening will be nice

♪ And you can go and
send me on my way

♪ I said, "You're such
a sweet young thing

♪ "Oh, why'd you do
this to yourself?"

♪ She looked at me and
this is what she said

♪ Oh, there ain't no
rest for the wicked... ♪

The Baby hates me.

No, he doesn't.

He does, he's weird with me.

Looks at me like I've insulted
his whole bloodline or something.

They're tracking you.

I told you!

Did I not? Yes! Yeah.

Could I get your phones?

Sorry. Sorry.

Cheers.

Thanks.

Passports.

Thank you so much.

Honestly, we really
appreciate this.

They're going to come after you.

Let them try.

Hey, The Baby, that's
a sick ride, man.

Just leave it.

Let's go, Oliver.

What?

He's, erm...

He's giving me a ride.

So...

What?!

I'll only ask once.

Jamie, don't do it.

Don't go to that place.

Just leave Velorum.

Leave it alone and
maybe it'll stop.

You know? It can't be any less crazy
a plan than what you're about to do.

We need you.

No, you don't.

Um... Uh, come on.

Let's just give
them a minute, yeah?

I need you. No, you don't.

Not now, anyway.

It doesn't matter where we go.

We travel halfway around the world,
they won't drop this. THEY won't?

Or YOU won't?

I love you, Jamie.

I'm sorry how we ended up.

I am.

But I can't do this.

Um, take the van.

Where... where will you go?

My sister's.

You're just scared.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm scared.

I'm terrified - of
them, of letting you go.

But I can't follow you blindly.

I left cos I was
an afterthought.

You weren't... And I
can't do that again.

I can't follow
someone who doesn't

who doesn't see me.

I see you. Of course I see you.

Right now

you only see one thing.

I will finish this.

And I'm going to
come find you. OK?

How do we know they won't
recognise us as soon as we rock up?

We don't.

But the first sign that something
is off, we get out of there.

Do you know? Maybe he thinks I'm
somebody else. Maybe that's it.

Who? The Baby.

Oh, mate, just drop it.
You need to let that go.

I just can't get
my head around it.

What is it, like?

I just think he's amazing
and he just hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

He does hate me. You saw
the way he looked at me.

VOICES FADING He
likes all of you...

Sharlyn.

Cherilyn?

Sarkeesian.

We're trying to think of
aliases for the festival.

I think we should try
and keep it simple.

Maybe

royals?

I can be Meghan.

Jamie, you can be Will.

Vivian, Kate.

Uh, Liz.

And Andrew.

f*ck off, am I being Andrew.

Jesus Christ!

I know.

How about...

Bethany-May.

Hamish.

Danny.

Amy.

Gloria.

And Pippa.

EAGLE SCREECHES

Where is he?

He'll be here.

Have you ever actually seen him?

No, but...

Well, no, no, but I have an
idea of what he looks like.

Like, in my head. So...

Hey.

You all right?

He'll be OK, you know?

I mean, we're going
to be in, out,

back with him
before you know it.

LOUD THUD

THEY ALL SCREAM f*ck!

Oh, God.

All right?

Ben!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, shall we...

Shall we crack on?

Yeah. Sorry. Just...
can't believe you're here.

Head through.

Guests don't arrive until tomorrow
so it's just the staff signing in.

UNZIPS BAG

ZIPS BAG

Follow the signs for the staff
cabins. I'll meet you there.

There's security
all over the place,

so if anyone bothers you,
just tell them you're with me.

Unless it's looking
like you're rumbled,

in which case, we've never met.

Welcome to Exodum.

ENGINE STARTS

JAMIE: Right. We all keep
a low profile until we get

the lay of the land. OK?

We stick together, always.

And trust nobody.

Ooh, there's a spa.

You don't have time
for gel polish.

Watch it, dickhead!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Can you just keep going, please?

We need to get...

MUSIC: Dead Of Night
by Orville Peck.

Get going.

Stop. Stop the van.

Cormac, stop the van!

What?

Jamie! Where are
you going? Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie! What's he doing?

Jamie, what are you doing?

♪ You wake me up You
say it's time to ride

♪ In the dead of night

♪ Strange canyon road

♪ Strange look in your eye

♪ You shut them as we fly

♪ As we fly

♪ Stark hollow town

♪ Carson City lights

♪ Baby, let's get high

♪ Spend Johnny's cash

♪ Hitch another ride

♪ We laugh until we cry

♪ You say, "Go fast"

♪ I say, "Hold on tight"

♪ In the dead of night

♪ Dead of night

♪ See

♪ See the boys as
they walk on by

♪ See

♪ See the boys as
they walk on by

♪ By

♪ As they walk on... ♪ Pippa.

♪ ..by

♪ As they walk on by

♪ As they walk on

♪ It's enough to
make a young man

♪ Six summers down... ♪