17x15 - Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife

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(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(HORN BELLOWING)

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HONKING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'm so stoked about Lenny's party.

He said he's gonna make a surprise announcement.

Ooh, maybe he's getting married.

(SCOFFS) Why the hell would he want to do that?

Blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich.

I like your hat, sweetie.

I'm not wearing a hat!

I mean the one at the house.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Another party and we can't go.

Yeah. Just because we's afraid of using the uppity-box.

Hey, Ned.

Ain't no party like a Lenny party 'cause a Lenny party don't stop!

I gotta work tomorrow. I better go.

Oh, my God.

How did Lenny get to be Newsfake Magazine's man of the year?

That's just a souvenir from an amusement park.

What? Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker.

I dated the woman in that suit for three months.

Then she left me for the guy who cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.

Lenny, I see you cut the celery at an angle here.

(CHUCKLES) Makes my straight-cut celery look like crap.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GASP)

Attention, everybody. Please shut up.

I know you're all wondering why you're here.

The fact is I'm dying (ALL GASP) to tell you that I have adopted (All) Aww... a new faith (All) Huh?

In the power of technological advances to make me happy!

That's right! I've got a new plasma screen HDTV.

(All) Ooh!

I've never seen a picture so highly defined!

Lenny, this TV is amazing!

If you’re not careful, I might just spend the rest of my life on your couch.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You don't mean that literally, of course?

You're right, Lenny. I...

(GRUNTS)

(SPRING TWANGING)

Lenny, bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot. Chop-chop.

(GASPS)

Look at that picture quality.

You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.

(GASPS) Ooh.

Two and a Half Men.

You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.

Dad, please come home.

We miss you. (GASPS)

Is that a high-def TV?

Mom didn't say anything about high def!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Later if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the TV and I'll show you how thin it is.

Wow.

There's a rainbow outside.

Oh, yeah? Well, right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.

(SINGING) ♪ Break out ♪

(VOCALIZING)

Break out

(VOCALIZING)

(ENGINES REVVING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Announcer: And Bodell Janx the Third crashes into Bodell Janx.

The winner is Bodell Janx Junior.

(LAUGHING) Wow.

I can actually feel the heat.

Beat it. This is my alone time.

Can you at least take a picture of me with the TV?

I ain't falling for that again.

Homer: Oh, yeah. Good times.

Stupid non-plasma TV.

Picture's so blurry, might as well rub dirt in my eyes.

Homie, I've been thinking.

We have been using this TV for a long time.

So I entered a contest where the first prize is a plasma-screen TV.

Oh! Marge! I love you! I love you! I love you!

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLING)

Now I really hope we win that contest.

There's a chance we won't win?

(HOMER HUMMING)

My collection is complete. Forty years of The Family Circus.

(LAUGHING) Uh...

Hmm...

(PHONE RINGING)

Y'ello?

Man: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. You've won.

The big-screen TV?

(CHUCKLES) No. No one wins that. You won third prize.

A tour of the Fox Network in Los Angeles, California.

All expenses paid?

Oh, look. I gotta go.

(LINE HANGS UP)

(Tour Guide) Here's where we make The Best Damn Sports Show Period.

And there's where we make the worst damn comedy show, period.

(ALL JEERING)

Ooh, why, look!

There's Dan Castellaneta from The Tracey Ullman Show.

Hey, funny man! Say something funny!

Please don't lean out of the tram, sir. You might get hurt.

"Oh, don't lean out of the tram..."

(GROANING)

Here's where we develop our many reality shows.

There's Dwarf or m*dget? America Decides.

And Million Dollar Fart-Off.

(FARTING)

Mother Flippers? What's this show about?

Uh, this is a reality program, dear, where we take wives from two very different families and they trade places for a month.

I already saw that exact same show on another network.

(CHUCKLES) Here, sweetie. Have a Fox sweatshirt.

This is an ABC sweatshirt.

Yeah. And it zips all the way up.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(SINGING) ♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

'Cause I'm saving all my love for you.

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

Spray 'em down.

(ALL SCREAMING)

So what's the prize on this wife swap show?

Oh, about enough to buy a new plasma TV.

(GASPS) That's just the product I've been coveting!

Pick us! Pick us!

Ah, not so fast.

Are you sure you want your most intimate moments broadcast across the country?

Are you kidding? Take a look at my DVD.

(CHUCKLING) They'll never let me near Lake Havasu again.

What are you doing, Homer?

I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.

Well, that might be interesting.

Or it could damage many, many lives.

Oh, Marge, you're the greatest mom ever.

I want the whole world to see that.

That's very sweet. But I...

Look, ma'am, I've done a lot of these.

Everybody has fun, no one gets hurt, and you make a lot of money you could really use.

And if you say yes now, it'll make a great act break.

I'll do it!

Perfect. But could you say it again with more emphasis on the "I'll?"

I'll do it!

Mmm, no, no. Go back to the first way.

I'll do it! Wait, wait. I wasn't happy with that.

You know what? Just do it the way it feels comfortable to you.

I'll do it!

I'll do it! I'll do it!

How was that?

Uh, we'll get it later.

These are the Heathbars.

Verity, who will be your new mom, is the youngest ever full professor at Yale.

I got my tenure at 28.

Oh, really? Bart, when did you get your tenure?

I got my tenure right here.

Yeah? Well, I have full tenure!

(HUMMING)

Ugh! We better pixelate those.

There aren't enough pixels in the world!

Yeah. Urn, just cover it with Ryan Seacrest's head.

This is Charles.

You can call me Charlie, but do not call me late when there are scones about.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

A little British humor.

I'll bet the twist is he's g*y.

Your two families will exchange wives for a month.

Then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible.

I don't understand, Dad.

Our family has so many flaws.

Why must we share them with the world?

Because we'll be on TV and earn enough money to buy a TV!

TV!

But Dad... Yes, T-Visa?

Ugh! Forget it.

Listen up, Stonehenge.

I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch.

Especially the hair! Oh!

You needn't worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself, actually.

(CHUCKLES) Bit different, bit weird, not sexual.

You take forever to say nothing.

You know, you don't seem like the money-hungry semi-stripper who's usually on Fox. Why do you do it?

Well, I thought there was no further way.

I could humiliate my husband.

And then this opportunity came along.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I see.

Well, I should be getting to the living room.

You know, I despise my husband.

Well, he didn't get the prize pig at the fair either.

Charles hasn't satisfied me in years.

Yeah. That's how I feel about Notre Dame football.

Cruel, dusty years.

I don't know why I ever married that woman!

(MARGE HUMMING)

So, Charles, what do you do for a living?

Well, I'm an office manager.

And no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again.

So go on. Go ahead.

Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.

Really? You manage a whole office?

Yes. Yes. Yes, I do, actually.

Well, that's very impressive.

Does that include the people and the furniture?

Yeah. And I decide where the Christmas party's held.

Actually, it's decided by committee, but you know, I choose the committee. Hello? (CHUCKLES)

I don't choose the committee as such, (STAMMERING) but you know, I choose where they meet.

This year, I am thinking of Conference Room C.

Ooh!

That leaves A and B available for overflow.

Well done.

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

Bart, I told you, no television until you do the dishes.

And I do not call that doing the dishes.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Well, my mom says why bother punishing me?

I never learn.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Disgusting.

Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework!

Help me, cameraman. I let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom!

That was a joint. And I have a name. It's Doug.

"Then Itchy used an ice cream scoop to scoop out Scratchys heart and make it a sundae. The end."

Now Homer, would you care to give your report on CSI: Miami?

Uh, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"There's this guy that got k*lled. I think it was in Miami.

"So CSI: Miami investigated-ed it.

"Then a family said how much they loved the Olive Garden.

"Then I fell asleep.

"When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias."

That's wonderful!

Indeed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Mandarin Chinese lesson.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

He's a very impressive boy.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

A tree that's been alone for far too long.

I don't get it. Are you saying you're the tree?

Maybe. Are my roots showing?

(CHUCKLING) Wordplay. Brilliant.

Would you like to hear a joke?

As long as it's not a knock-knock joke.

I always ruin them by saying, "Come in."

No, no. This joke is actually quite funny.

(CHUCKLING) You see, this man, he finds a magic lamp.

And a genie comes out.

That's funny. That's just the setup.

Well, you've set me up for laughs down the road.

So the genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, "but whatever you get, your wife gets double-"

Okay? Remember that.

Oh, how nice for her.

Now here's the humor. The man says, "I want a new car."

The genie says, "Your wife gets two."

Okay' remember the double? Yeah.

The man says, "I want a new house."

So the genie says, "Your wife gets two."

Mmm-hmm.

So the man says...

(LAUGHING)

"Beat me half to death."

It's funny. Don't you get it?

Because she gets double.

So if he gets beaten half to death, the wife would be beaten to death.

(LAUGHING)

That sounds horrible.

I agree. Terrible.

Offensive towards women.

Little amusing, don't you think? No!

Me either. Spousal abuse, it's... It's a real problem.

It's not funny. It's tragic if anything, so...

Well, I liked the genie part. That was fun.

You think so? Yes.

I could really picture him with curly shoes and smoke all over the place.

You're a born storyteller.

Uh, well, yeah. I suppose I am.

Yeah. Yeah. Not a m*rder*r.

No. (LAUGHING) Hmm...

Would you like to hear another joke?

I sure would. Let me just get us some iced tea.

One more kind word from her and lam completely smitten.

Ooh, your toaster takes bagels.

How ritzy!

And there we have it.

(SNIFFING) Ooh.

What's that delicious smell?

I'm burning all your underwear.

(GROANS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What's with the kimono? Are we having La Choy?

(CHUCKLES) No, Marge.

I was just sitting around drinking vermouth and contemplating how just when you're drowning in a pit of despair, life can throw you a beautiful, blue life preserver.

Huh. I thought life preservers only came in orange.

Because wouldn't it be hard to see blue in the ocean?

Buh, buh, buh, buh. No logic. Not tonight.

Where's Ben?

The housekeeper took him out for a walk.

How long do we have to stay here?

Until I'm sick of drinking these!

And I'm never sick of drinking these!

(PLAYING SAD TUNE)

That's right. It just gets worse.

So you see, we have the whole house to ourselves.

Oh! Who left this here?

Did I tell you I'm a bit of a songwriter?

Words and music. Hold the applause.

I wrote this song for a woman. You.

Huh. What an odd thing for a man who's not interested in me to do.

Yes, not interested.

Let me just breathe your scent for a moment before I play.

(SHUDDERING)

(SINGING) Lady, when you came to me.

I was feeling blue.

Blue just like your hair, you see.

Blue just like the moon.

But only when the moon is blue.

And not when it is green.

And now that you are here with me.

I am in a dream

Oh, yeah, Marge. Your dreams can come true.

Lady, when you go away.

I feel like I could die.

Not like dye like your hair is dyed.

But die like Lady Di.

And not like Di like her name is Di.

But die like when she died

(SIGHS) Ooh.

But Lady just like Lady Di.

Be my princess tonight.

But don't die

Don't die. No way.

That song was very nice.

How'd you think up so many rhyming words?

Marge, I love you!

And I can tell from your basic level of courtesy that you love me, too.

What? No! Listen, Charles, I don't want to hurt your feelings...

Because you love me, right? Admit it.

We were born to fall into each others arms on reality TV!

I'm sorry, but I love Homer.

(SIGHS) Of course you do.

He's a real man. Not like me.

A miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest b*tch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club.

Charles, please, your son might see this!

He's not my son!

His real father's either the pool man or my wife's lover.

(SOBS)

They're the main two candidates.

I've narrowed it down to. Pretty sure.

Mmm. There, there.

God, I miss Homer.

I miss him, too.

What is it about him that is so damned irresistible?

Well, he's loved me ever since the first moment he saw me.

And he's never stopped.

And whatever it takes to make me happy, he'll do it, even if it kills him.

Sorry, I ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers.

But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a b*stard.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Lisa? What are you doing in the Nutmeg State?

Fox flew me out here to bring you back.

They flew me on Prim-Lay's Air Force Yum.

And I'm required to say, "Come to the cool ranch and rope in flavor.

"Yee haw."

Let's go home, sweetie.

I'm sure there's a hamper full of Homer waiting for me.

And I'm coming with you to tell my sea hag of a wife, "You're fi red!"

(CHUCKLES)

I was doing, uh, Donald Trump, billionaire?

If you knew who he was, you'd be dying.

(CHUCKLING)

I know who Donald Trump is.

Me, too.

(SCOFFS) I don't think you do. Spot on.

She's nowhere to be seen!

Time to let Homer be Homer!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Homie, I missed you so much!

Put your pants back on.

Oh, Marge, thank God you're back!

She made me spend time with the kids!

And not just W time, talking time!

Where is she?

Where's the soul-sucking she-beast that I call sweet-ums?

Maggie? She's in her crib.

No. My soon-to-be ex-wife.

I, uh...

I don't think you want to see her just now.

Oh, yes, I do.

(LAUGHS)

She's got the shock of her life coming to her.

Charles, I'm leaving you.

You snooze, you lose.

(SCOFFS) You're leaving me for him?

So it would appear.

However, Cousin ltt there was born a woman.

What brought us together is how much we hate you.

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna vote "No" on 38 so you can't adopt!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote.

The polling place is up a hill, and I never make it! Ow!

(PLAYING GUITAR)

(SINGING) You make me laugh.

You make me cry.

Without you I'd just want to die.

For the rest of my life.

You'll be a fixture.

Now let me enjoy.

Your picture in picture

And, Marge, you're pretty great, too.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, yeah. Can you feel it?

Just over the credits. Just riffing now.

Words and chords.

Not the poetry and the real thing, but not bad for an ad-lib.

Not good. But...

And it's not long enough. So just do a little bit more.

And that's nearly done. That's the final credit.

There, that's the end.