16x19 - Thank God It's Doomsday

[bunniefuu]

(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(CLANGING)

Hey, kids! I scream, you scream.

We all scream for... haircuts!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH GROAN)

Mom, Bart and I have been talking...

You have? That's so nice.

What Lisa's trying to say is there's a new kids' barbershop in the mall and we'd like to start going there.

A kids' barbershop? But they don't have my templates.

Yeah, the templates had a great run, but we'd like our hair to look like people hair.

Oh, I see.

Well, good luck getting to your precious mall barber 'cause I'm not driving you.

Kids, want to go to the mall?

They're baking fresh Cinnabons, which means they're throwing out the old ones.

Both: Yay!

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIGHS)

I guess I'll just cut my own hair.

Who wants their hair cut?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who wants their hair cut?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who wants their hair cut?

Who? Who? Who?

Which side do you want your part on?

Left! Right! Stab! Stab! Stab!

You're the boss.

Bart: What the hell?

Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Bart, you look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.

And there ain't nothing looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Next?

(GRUNTS)

Can you make me look like this?

(BOTH GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Whoa! My bad boy spikes! My good girl points!

Children, the mall will provide you a wide range of subjects, while I return some socks that appeared to be black, but were in reality, a very dark blue.

The best photographs, or "photos," will be prominently displayed in the school lobby all year long.

(BOTH GULP)

(WIND CHIMES CHIMING)

(GASPING EAGERLY)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

After them!

Oh! I love you, dumpster buns!

(GULPS)

Both: Dad? Huh?

Oh, big surprise. The fat guy's eating garbage.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Come on! We'll hide in the theater!

(GASPS)

(CHUCKUNG)

Well, I guess you didn't find anything interesting to photograph.

Check it out. The principal's got a shirt wiener.

Hmm?

(SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body.

(HOMER READING)

Ooh! A He is Risen production.

I wish you'd come to church with us, sweetheart.

(CHUCKLES) Church? I'd rather play golf on the holiest day of the week.

Oh! Finally, a character I can relate to.

I bet good things happen to him.

But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us.

The Rapture? Easy there, Helen.

Science has shown religion is just an old wives' tale.

(ALL GASP)

I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Mr. Thompson, what if your wife finds out?

It's modern times. Everyone's doing it.

Where did my Christian limo driver go?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

My pious husband is missing.

The baby I chose to have baptized is gone.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Mr. Thompson, what's happening?

It's the Rapture, Shauna. The Rapture.

The virtuous have gone to heaven and the rest of us have been left below.

(GASPS) Left below? Where have I heard that before?

It's the title of the movie.

(GASPS) It's everywhere!

We were fools!

And because we rejected God, tacitly accepting Satan, we must suffer through the Apocalypse.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

I thought all religions were a path to God. I was wrong.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Why did I put my faith in science and technology?

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Oh, why did I choose to be g*y?

Oh! This movie will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Just like Cannonball Run II.

Marge, what if the Rapture is coming and I haven't led a good enough life?

I could be left below.

Sweetie, don't worry.

God wouldn't spring the Rapture on us unannounced.

He'd send us signs like, I don't know, all the dogs getting on a spaceship and leaving.

Yeah, I'll bet the cats'd be psyched about that.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks, Marge. You've put my mind at ease.

Now, how about a little rapture for Mama?

Ooh!

I could be the Rachel to your Jacob.

Okay, but it's tough for me not to think about their hardship.

(BOTH MOANING)

Marge is right. The Rapture isn't coming.

There haven't been any ominous signs.

(GROWLING)

Follow me.

(SCREAMS)

It's just not working out, Barry.

Yeah, I guess I better study for the police exam again.

Good luck. You, too.

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)

Blood is raining from the sky!

Hang on there, big fella. We'll save you.

This ain't personal. I just love to scrimshaw.

(SCREAMS)

Judgment Day is at hand.

Can I help you?

We're having a sale on Bible magnifying glasses.

(HOMER READING)

Uh, do you have any books on the Rapture?

Yes, this one is 15% off.

(HOMER SCREAMS)

I'll take everything you got.

And would you like to take advantage of our Friends of Flanders discount?

No, thank you.

(MARGE HUMMING)

Here's a pretty little wig for Lisa.

And a handsome toupee for Bart.

So, you still think I'm crazy for saving all your hair trimmings?

Both: No, ma'am.

Okay, then. Let's get the rest of this hair back in the freezer.

Hmm... Hmm...

Homie, you didn't touch your second dinner tonight.

And you're reading books. Word books! What's going on?

Marge, the Rapture is nigh.

These books will help me figure out how nigh.

This whole deal is scientifically proven.

The Book of Revelations has 404 verses.

Add the number of people at the Last Supper minus the number of Filipinos in the Bible, and you get... Three million, 100...

3:15 p.m., May 18th.

That's when the Rapture will begin.

May 18th? That's one week from today!

(GASPS) A week? That's...

Seven days from now!

(RINGING BELL) The world will end next week!

Spend your children's college funds! Thaw that turkey now!

This is Kent Brockman reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday.

Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk?

Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world!

God loves you! He's gonna k*ll you!

Here's my angle.

There's no way in God's heaven I should get into God's heaven.

But maybe he'll let me in if I warn others the Apocalypse is coming, as I previously shouted. I see.

Well, we have 30 seconds left.

Any other cuckoo yip-yap?

Uh... Oh!

Here's one. Revelation 6:13.

"Just before the Rapture, the stars will fall to the Earth."

So, all you hippies out there might wanna...for that one.

(LAUGHING) There you have it, folks.

And if I can make a prediction of my own, this weekend's Springfield Lettuce Festival is gonna be bigger and better than ever!

We've got romaine, iceberg, radicchio, and everyone's favorite, baby bib.

Even a few cabbages are getting in on the fun.

(RINGING BELL)

Homie, I'm glad you're getting exercise.

I just wish it wasn't crazy exercise.

Marge, in a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Dad, we love you, but we just don't think the world is coming to an end. Yet.

100 years, global warming, we're goners.

But for now, you think you could lighten up on this "left below" stuff?

Well, I guess this thing does look pretty silly.

Let's all take off our sandwich boards and watch TV.

(Sideshow Mel) Live from Springfield Stadium, it's...

(SIDESHOW MEL READING)

The crowd is abuzz and agog as the celebrity blimp approaches.

And look, here is America's favorite waste of taxpayer dollars, the Blue Angels!

What the... The Blue Angels?

I thought we were getting Charlie's Angels.

(SOBBING)

Oh, God! We're going down!

I don't want to die next to Kathy Griffin!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(GASPS) The stars are falling to the earth!

(GASPS)

Just as you predicted.

(Krusty) Well, that's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank all the very talented people who broke my fall.

To all the fans of Los Lobos, mucho, mucho condolences.

(LAUGHING)

Good night, everybody!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Homer, you were right.

That must mean you were right about the Rapture, too.

Yeah. I was wondering if you could help save my soul.

I've done stuff I ain't proud of.

And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

But what are we supposed to do on Wednesday?

Lie naked on our roof?

Because that girls' school says I can't do that no more.

When the time comes, we won't be in our homes because we're all gonna go here.

(CROWD MURMURING)

That's Springfield Mesa.

It's 15 miles north, past the Warren Harding Memorial Through-hole.

Exactly. It came to me in a vision, or maybe it was a drunken haze, or possibly an ice cream headache.

Well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-Rapture party.

No, Flanders.

It's a meeting of g*y witches for ab*rtion.

You wouldn't be interested.

Mmm-mmm.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

All right, everybody.

Pair up with a Rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity.

Chief Wiggum, wanna be my buddy?

What's wrong with Carl? Trouble in paradise?

(CHUCKLES)

Dad, please don't go through with this.

All through history, self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world and they've always been wrong.

But, sweetheart, I have something they didn't have.

A good feeling about this.

It's all right, Lisa. Don't go. More heaven for me.

Lisa's going! We're all going!

Come on, Lisa. No one in this family is being left below.

Wait for me! I'm a-coming.

Don't worry, Dad! There's a bus coming for you!

Drive! Drive!

(All) 99 minutes until we're all saved 99 minutes to go.

Unless it turns out that you're not devout.

Then you're gonna be left down below 98 minutes until we're all saved 98 minutes to go

(PANTING) Wait for me! Wait for me!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Okay, guys. Get ready. We're just seconds away.

(CROWD MURMURING)

You saved us, Homer. I can't wait!

I'm gonna steal God's secrets and sell them to Satan.

(All) Six, five, four...

I'm so proud of you, Homie.

(All) ...two, one!

(BEEPING)

Goodbye, stupid Earth!

There appears to be some delay.

Huh? My watch must be running fast. Wait for it.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Ha-ha!

Life goes on.

(CROWD MURMURING ANGRILY)

Please don't go! Please!

Please? I command you!

Homie, I better start dinner.

Oh!

Lisa, you still believe in me, don't you?

Dad, if you'll recall, I never believed in you, not for one second.

Aw! That's my girl.

Oh.

Hey, Nostra-dumbass, did the Rapture come? I can't recall.

In fact, I can recall, and it didn't and you suck.

Hey, fatwad, here's another thing you didn't predict.

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

(GRUNTS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, let's go to Moe's. We'll walk and punch.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Huh?

Moe, what happened to your eponymous tavern?

Yeah, funny thing that. You said the end was coming, so I sold the bar to some Japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity.

Now them orphans got new skip ropes, and I end every day smelling like eel.

Cats are all over me. Thank you, though. You did me a solid.

Hey, there's that jerk who tried to save us.

Nice Rapture, Einstein.

(PEOPLE JEERING)

(SOBBING)

(GULPS)

(SOBBING)

(BARKS)

Hey, you with the tempura, your arm broken?

How can people be so heartless.

How can people be so cruel.

Easy to be hard

Ten, 11, 12, 13?

Twelve apostles. But Jesus was at the Last Supper, too.

This changes everything.

Multiply by seven. Don't forget to carry the 666.

Wake up. The Rapture's coming in half an hour!

There's no time to waste. Marge, grill a chicken!

No, make sandwiches.

And some Kettle Chips would be nice. Original, not barbecue!

Ah, we got school tomorrow. Yeah. School.

Hmm...

Forget school! We have to get to the mesa.

We're not going anywhere except to bed.

But my prediction says...

You couldn't predict 6:00 at 5:30. Now, good night.

(ALL SLAM DOORS)

(SLAMS DOOR)

Stupid family. Won't even come to my Rapture.

I went to Lisa's school play, which had serious pacing problems.

(WOLF HOWLING)

Three, two, one...

(BEEPING)

Oh, I'm wrong again!

I'm nothing but a big, fat...

Woo-hoo!

I was right!

And there's the Earth. So beautiful with your many rings.

(RINGS BELL)

Homer Simpson, welcome to heaven.

Now let's get you some clothes, huh? I'm comfortable like this.

Yeah, well, this is heaven. For everyone.

This is our nature walk, our pedicure hut, our state-of-the-art showroom, tonight featuring Los Lobos.

And over there is our water slide.

That's coming next year. It's gonna be super fantastic.

How come it's not open yet?

(SIGHS)

Look, just don't use leprechaun labor, okay? Don't do it.

And the best part of heaven is, anything you wish for, you get, lickety-split.

Hmm...

(LAUGHING)

Okay, just for that, your room is next to the kiddy pool.

All right, Mr. Smarty-Head-Exploder?

So, if you need further assistance, just call the front desk and ask for Andre, okay?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, uh, sorry, I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash.

You know, you could wish for some. I could...

Wait. Before you go, there's one thing I gotta know.

What happened to my family?

Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room.

Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village.

Okay, let's see. Earth is channel 23, I think.

(SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Why didn't we listen to Dad?

The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again.

That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job.

(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY)

(MARGE SCREAMS)

I've gotta save them!

Homer, what's wrong?

Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here. Really top-notch.

But I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.

Don't tell me about family suffering.

My son went down to Earth once.

I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same since.

(SWING SQUEAKING)

Oh, he'll be fine.

And you could still spare my family by... Pass.

Buddy, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.

(GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Hey, what's the big idea, pally?

Why so crabby?

Screw you, Dino! You squandered your gift.

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Uh-oh.

(SIREN WAILING)

Squandered my gift? I made 68 albums.

I'm sorry, but heaven isn't heaven without my family in it.

(SIGHS)

What do you want, Homer?

Just send me back to Earth and put off this whole Rapture hoop-dee-doo for another couple of years or so.

But it's already started.

To do what you're asking, I'd have to turn back time.

Superman did it. Fine, Mr. Smarty-Pants.

I will undo the Apocalypse.

Thanks. Listen, could you do me one more favor?

You want me to help you with your alcoholism?

No, I'm in a good place with that.

Why don't you just take these pamphlets?

Yeah, I'll definitely read those later.

Now, listen, if you could just see your way clear to...

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

Very well.

Deus ex machina!

(GROANING)

Oh, it was all just a dream. What? What are these wings?

Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back.

Dad, we've been so worried about you.

The Warren Harding Through-hole never seemed so long.

Yeah, I missed you guys, too. Now, if you'll excuse me...

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Thank you, Lord! It's back the way it was.

(ALL MOANING)

Ah, this is heaven.

(SHUSHING)