16x14 - The Seven-Beer Snitch

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(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You know, we should visit Shelbyville more often.

They have a store that just sells shoes.

I feel like I'm in Paris!

Oh! The famous Shelbyville Theater District!

Can we see a play?

A play?

All plays suck, all the time, and always will, and everyone knows it.

Look, we'll compromise.

We'll go see a play that Lisa doesn't want to see. Huh?

Let's see...

There's Equus starring Sideshow Mel, the 3 Dollar Bills in g*y, g*y, g*y!

Ooh! Song of Shelbyville.

(SINGING) From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt.

To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt.

We're home to Christian, Muslim and Jew.

Although not many of the last two.

There's a girl for every guy.

Birthplace of the button fly.

In good old Shelbyville!

Say, fellow Shelbyvillian, enjoying our famous low humidity?

I'll say. The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course.

Which one? All three!

(ALL CHEERING) Yes. Yes.

Why' look, it's Springfield Billy!

(ALL HOOTING)

What are you doing here in Shelbyville?

I came here for the legalized gambling.

But Springfield Billy, we don't have legalized gambling here.

Sure you do.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Free Tibet."

(ALL LAUGHING)

(GASPS) They're saying Springfielders are stupid hicks.

It's like looking in a mirror.

What's a mirror?

It's a big city word for reversifying glass.

Oh!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

That show was hilarious.

That Springfield Billy cracks me up.

For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate.

I happen to know because we're from Springfield.

Springfielders? Oh! (THUDS)

(ALL HOOTING)

Marge: This is the worst crisis the Springfield Cultural Activities Board has ever faced.

Those Shelbyvillians are maligning us all.

I've never heard such mean-spirited hate-hoots.

We've got to upgrade Springfield's image, show them we're more than just a town that's still afraid of eclipses.

Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal them?

Why do you come to these meetings?

Free water.

There must be something else.

Think, Marge, think.

Culture... Vulture... Birds of prey...

Pray in a church... The Father, Son and Holy Ghost...

Ghosts are scary... Scary rhymes with Gehry!

That's it!

Architect Frank Gehry!

He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.

Well, we could use a new HQ for the Springfield Philharmonic.

They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Little help?

(SCOFFS) Next time we're keeping it.

Then ifs agreed.

We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall.

Bill, bill, Bilbao, bill...

Snoopy stationery!

Marge: Dear Mr. Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town?

We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system.

(MARGE LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Frank Gehry, you're a genius!

Behold the new Springfield Concert Hall.

(All) Ooh!

And none of this would have happened if not for a letter I received from one little girl.

I wrote that letter.

You wrote I was "the bestest architect in the world"?

Well, aren't you?

All in favor of building a $30 million "screw you" to Shelbyville?

(All) Aye!

(CLAMORING)

Get off my masterpiece, you punks!

I'll call your mothers!

Yo, Frank Gehry!

Like curvilinear forms much?

(GRUNTS)

(HUMMING) Huh?

(SNORING)

Hey, cat, get your own pants!

(GRUNTS)

Kids! Why's the cat so fat?

Dad, Snowball's not fat.

She's just got winter fur.

(GRUNTS)

Okay, she's fat.

(CHOKES) Can't breathe...

Someone dangle some string.

(MEOWING)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm so excited.

It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

Where is everybody going?

The symphony, she has just started!

So? We already heard the Dum, dum, dum, dum

The rest is just filler.

I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven.

Was I sadly mistaken.

It sounds better on my cell phone.

(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)

Don't leave now!

The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.

(ALL SCREAM)

(Quimby) You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music?

We didn't have time.

The concert hall was designed and built so quickly.

We're broke, but I have a plan.

We change the name of the town to escape our creditors.

I need names, people!

Lima, Peru!

Gotham City! Wiggumville!

Burger King!

(Mr. Burns) Perhaps I can be of assistance.

Smithers, tear me a new drape hole.

If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear.

(SNAPS)

The building is yours.

Excellent!

Marge: (GASPS) He's turned it into a prison!

(GRUNTS)

(ALL HOOTING)

(CLAMORING)

Let's see now. Barely finished high school.

You've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began...

Make it seven!

Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.

Now all you have to do is pass this drug test.

Hmm.

(HUMMING)

Hmm?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Cool, but I'll never pass with this.

I better switch samples.

(CHUCKLES)

(HUMMING)

(Mr. Burns) Simpson, I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den!

"Crack, smack, uppers, downers, cutters, inners, "horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, "Green goofers, yellow submarines, "LSD Mach 3, and trace amounts of...(GRUNTS)

"Human urine"?

Well, there must have been a mistake.

My body is a temple.

Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight!

But he misread my pee!

He misread my pee! (CRYING)

(STRETCHING)

We're not overfeeding her.

We've been giving her this low-fat cat food!

I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else.

Let's follow her!

I'd rather follow the dog.

I think he's up to something.

(ZOOMING)

One thing at a time, Bart.

(MEOWING)

(MEOWING)

There you are, Smokey!

Snowball ll has another family!

This is worse than when we thought Mom was having an affair.

Turned out she was just going to the library to cry.

Now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom.

Gentlemen, my prison is losing money.

We need more convicts in the dungeonarium.

Dungeonarium. That's catchy.

Well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws.

(GRUNTS)

(THUDS)

Okeydokey.

Let's see here.

Here's one from 1834.

"It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours."

Hmm. Hmm?

Smithers, if I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not going to arrest you now.

Stupid prison guard jobs thinks it's so big. (CLATTERS)

Everyone gets a prison job but me.

All my best friends are guards.

They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.

Okay, boys, here's a loony law from 1911.

"Five kicks of the same can "shall be considered illegally transporting litter."

(GRUNTS)

(CLUTTERS)

(GRUNTS)

(CLUTTERS)

That's a hard five. All units move in.

(SIREN WAILS)

We're putting you away, Kicky Mantle.

And give that can the whole CS! treatment.

You know, lab tests, weird lights, Shots from the can's point of view.

Yeah, that's it.

Lots of flash and no meaning.

(LAUGHS) Okay, new meat, you're clean.

(GURGLING)

I'm not supposed to be new meat.

I'm supposed to have your job.

I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality!

(GURGLING)

(CLANKING)

No Frank Gehry designed prison can hold me! Ha-ha!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, my God, that man might be hurt!

Guards, there's a prisoner in there!

Nice nab, Simpson.

You did the right thing squealing on that guy.

Squealing? No. I just wanted to help him.

Whatever. How'd you like to be a full-time rat?

Really?

You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that?

(MUNCHING LOUDLY)

Not exactly.

Mr. Burns, I've thought about it, and I don't want to be a snitch.

It's not an honorable life.

Now, now, there are perks.

A private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat.

Well, I am a sucker for a little hat.

So, we have an agreement?

Well... I don't know.

But it's the only way you'll survive in here.

Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming.

(WHISPERS) I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap.

Okay, you've found your snitch.

Excellent! Now, what have you got for me?

(WHISPERS) Homer Simpson has become a snitch.

(GRUNTS) Tell me something I don't know.

Sometimes I go to the movies alone.

Say, is that a g*ng tattoo?

I thought those weren't allowed.

Yeah, it's a g*ng I was in as a kid.

GMS. "Galactic Mystery Solvers“.

(SIGHS) The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up.

Hmm?

That's right, an unauthorized tattoo.

I came here right away.

Very good.

Here you go!

42-inch plasma TV as a thank you from your...

Your, mother.

Oh, that "my mother."

Tell him thanks.

Okay, Tattoo Man.

It's a month in the hole for you.

Solitary confinement?

But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.

(STUTTERS) It's my raison d'être.

(SNIFFS) Ew!

Smokey, you've got that awful smell on you again.

That's the smell of her real family, the Simpsons!

And for your information, our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them, but we are saving up the money to find them.

Well, whatever.

Smokey's our cat.

(MEOWS)

Smokey, stay!

Now back.

Heel.

Snowball does tricks?

Sure. Come on, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle.

(BOTH CLAPPING)

Well, I don't care what you say.

She still loves us more.

Don't you, Snowball?

(HISSING)

(MEOWING)

You toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart.

Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become me rodentus incarcerarium.

You heard the boss. Find the rat.

I found the rat, and he's right here.

I ain't the rat, I'm the pigeon.

I thought you was the mole.

No, you're thinking of that guy who was the canary.

But we can all agree, we work in a business with a very rich lexicon.

Rich lexicon, very rich.

(ALL AGREE)

Ooh! A Tiffany's box!

And the thing inside is from Tiffany's!

Homie, you've never done this before. How'd you afford it?

Well, if you really must know, (WHISPERS) I'm a prison snitch.

(GASPS) Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies?

Sure, they're on top of the world.

Then there's a big riot scene.

Then... I don't know. I usually doze off.

The prison snitch is k*lled!

And that could be you.

Because you're the prison snitch!

(ALL GASP)

(ALL GROWL) What are you dupes looking at?

You've never seen bling-bling before?

What is it they have that keeps Snowball coming back to their house?

Only one way to find out.

(BELL RINGS)

My baby turtle crawled into your basement window.

0h, you poor boy.

What's your turtle's name?

Uh...

Apron Boobs-face?

Really? Well, let's go find it.

And what's your name?

Uh...

Shoes... Butt-back?

Homer: Uh-huh.

Hmm.

Psst. (WHISPERS) There's a jailbreak tonight.

How come nobody told me before?

I sent you an e-vite. You never responded.

Nice netiquette, jerk.

(WHISPERS) There's gonna be a breakout tonight.

Very good. Now, I'd like a little more information.

Are biographies arranged by author or subject?

What is Bart still doing in there?

You forgot to take some brownies.

Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.

Bart, why were you in there so long?

Lis, that place is great!

They have a jukebox in the basement.

And look at the trick they taught me!

(HUMMING)

Are you watching?

Are you watching?

(MOANS)

When they come busting out, we'll be ready.

Every single guard is outside waiting for them.

Something don't feel right.

Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm.

Or right before a heavyweight fight.

Mine's more poetic.

(GROANS)

Now, where the hell are they?

(Prisoners) k*ll the rat!

k*ll the rat!

k*ll the rat!

k*ll the rat!

What happened to the guards?

(Prisoners) k*ll the rat!

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

Maybe they'll tire themselves outwith their chant.

(GASPS)

I call the ba*ls of his feet!

(ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Marge, they're gonna k*ll me!

Oh.

I only did what I had to do to survive in a style befitting a French monarch. (SCREAMS)

(ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Flaw. Segway, fly!

(SCREAMS)

We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot'?

Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.

This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson, This massive blob over here, who is attempting to hide in the kitchen area. Good luck, blobby.

(PRISONERS CHANTING) k*ll the rat! Then have snack! k*ll the rat!

Homer.

Homer, where are you?

(GRUNTS) Marge! How did you get in here?

As president of the cultural board, I was given a key to the concert hall.

(SLAMS DOOR)

There's the filthy rat we're gonna k*ll.

And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from school.

Oh, you must be Michael's dad!

Marge, come on! (GRUNTS)

We'll be safe in the gas chamber.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREECHING)

I want you to look into the faces of those poor men.

Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.

(ALL STRAINING)

Oh. Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess.

Can I snitch on my heart and say I love you?

Oh, Homie...

(ALL STRAINING)

(expl*si*n)

(GAS HISSING)

(PRISONERS COUGHING)

Tear gas, my one weakness.

(ALL GROANING)

You can come in, Governor.

Well, I'll make these rioters regret their folly.

This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons.

Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.

Done and done, sir.

(GRUNTS)

Hold on a minute.

Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil, But now I want to tattle for good.

This prison is a hellhole.

They feed us horse meat, with traces of jockey meat!

I'll have you know I buy the finest cuts of beef.

(MILITARY TRUMPET PLAYING)

The guards are sadistic and cruel.

I can't help the way I am.

When I was a boy, I saw my father m*rder*d before my eyes.

By me.

Governor, I think the only fair solution is to pardon all these th*gs and murderers.

Well, since there's no room in the prisons you came from, I'm releasing you all to a garbage barge, where you will bare-knuckle box till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell.

(ALL CHEER)

You know what I missed in the joint?

Just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly.

Sleeping sweetly.

Sleeping sweetly...

I won't tell if you don't tell.

Listen to me! This whole building is unsafe.

They cut corners everywhere.

People! It's a deathtrap.

No, Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV watching The Towering lnferno.

How do you know the title of my prophetic vision?