16x06 - Midnight Rx

[bunniefuu]

(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?

D'oh!

I can't believe Mr. Burns reserved the entire museum just for an office party.

It doesn't seem fair to the regular visitors.

We drove 18 hours to come here.

On the plus side, this rope is mighty soft.

Mmm. Touch it, kids.

(Kids) Mmm.

Party! Party! Party!

Homer, these are people you work with.

Show some restraint.

Restraint! Restraint! Restraint!

(LOUD WOLF HOWL)

(GRUNTING)

Mm-mm-mm.

Lighten up, Marge.

This is my chance to relax with people from work I never get to see.

Like this guy.

I'm your supervisor.

Really? How am I doing?

(DISGUSTED GRUNT)

Well, well, if it isn't my favorite employee and his spouse.

And these must be children. Have a ginger root.

Mr. Burns acting nice? That's odd. He must be up to something.

Lise, Mr. Burns is the sweetest, kindest man I know.

How many men do you know?

Basically, him and Dad.

Nice tux, Moe.

Yeah, thanks. I bought this for my funeral.

It ain't got no back so don't make me turn around.

Hm.

Hey, I'm paying for a silk-lined coffin, And damn it, I'm gonna feel it.

Narrator: Since the dawn of aviation, man has built museums dedicated to the history of flight and created audiovisual materials to orient visitors to those museums.

From the hand-drawn flip book at the Wright Brothers Museum to the IMAX movie at Cape Canaveral, aviation museum audiovisual materials have taken patrons and docents alike.

On a rocket ride to comprehension.

This is the story of those materials.

Hey, it's a guy in a goofy Burns head!

Act like Burns.

(LAUGHS)

That's him to a tee!

Here we have a vintage film of the original Springfield Wing Walkers.

Including our own Agnes Skinner.

(MOOING)

Homer: Wow, a wooden plane.

It's about time trees were good for something instead of just standing there like jerks!

"The Plywood Pelican was larger than a football field.

"It weighs more than the state of New Hampshire.

"It was only flown once by its creator, Mr. C. Montgomery Burns."

I flew it at an altitude of 6 feet for a distance of 4 and a half feet.

Then we discovered rain makes it catch fire.

Then the Fuhrer fired me.

What a magical party this has been.

Mr. Burns is a great man.

I've got a bad feeling about all this.

Come on, Marge. This place is great.

Free admission, great grub, and we got to use the bathroom of the future.

Homer, that was Apollo 12!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Greetings, wage donkeys.

Is everyone happy and content?

Yeah! This is great!

I would die for you!

Is your sense of outrage dulled?

Spill it, super boss!

(CHUCKLES) Very well, effective immediately, the employee prescription drug program is terminated!

What? Why?

In these days of rising health care costs, blah, blah, blah, lip service, lip service. Get out!

(EMPLOYEES GASP) This must be the nasty surprise he mentioned in the invitation.

(UNINTELLIGIBLE ANGRY CHATTER) No!

This sucks! Get him!

(PANTING)

Fly. you fool!

I tried to explain to you, sir, this thing has never actually worked.

Smithers, you must believe.

(GRUNTING)

(Mr. Burns) Next stop, Pirate Island!

Well, that was a pretty good party.

Do you think Carol from Payroll and.

Mike from Shipping are going to hook up?

(GASPING) He's married. Change course!

Carol must be warned!

Now that Mr. Burns has eliminated the drug plan, we're gonna have to cut back on our diseases.

I'll get a second job, one that pays well.

You think those guys on Friends need another friend?

That show's gone off the air.

Damn it. I would've been perfect as Rachel's lrish cousin.

So you're all doin' each other, are ya?

But who's gonna put out for old Seamus?

I need a new job that provides full health benefits.

Uh-huh.

As long as I only work five hours a day, no heavy lifting, no light clerical, none of that Secret Santa crap, tasteful nudity...

Uh, well, let me see what I've got.

(BEEPING)

(Video game voice) You have defeated the doombot and sealed the portal.

Phobos is safe.

Phobos? That's a good job for me.

Following the lead of Springfield Nuclear Power, other local companies are canceling their prescription drug plans, even here at Channel 6.

Now, kids, I want you to go to your parents' medicine cabinet, and find all the pills labeled lithium dibromide and send them to me now!

No one likes a bipolar clown!

(CHUCKLES)

(CRYING)

(LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

(LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

To cope with the crisis, many consumers are turning to alternative forms of treatment.

I've had to medicate Ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker.

(CLANCY LAUGHS)

I'm cuckoo for contraband!

Of course, this wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable.

Dr. Julius Hibbert, do you agree?

Well, now, Kent, give the drug companies a break.

They have lots of hidden costs, and they know how to treat a brother.

Let me introduce you to the fine-looking females of Pfizer.

I like big butts And I cannot lie.

You other brothers can't deny.

That when a girl walks in With an itty-bitty waist.

And a round thing in your face You get sprung.

Possible side effects include dizziness and shortness of marriage.

Damn!

Well, let me start out by saying that it is always a pleasure to sit down with a mother and a daughter who have snuck past security and burst into my office.

I just don't see why one little pill should cost $30.

Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries.

In other countries, families also lie on the floor and eat bugs.

What countries are those?

You ever been to Norway? No.

Well, they do it in Norway.

And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs.

I mean, the right amount. I mean, not enough.

Here. Watch this video.

(Pharmaceutical Narrator) The mighty Amazon River.

The natives had a word for it.

Then we got rid of the natives, and no one remembers that word.

But here are some words everyone remembers by Huey Lewis and the News.

I want a new drug One that won't make me sick.

One that won't make me crash my car.

Or make me feel 3 feet thick.

I want a new drug One that won't hurt my head

(MAN COUGHING)

All right. Here's your medication.

Wait a minute. This ain't no pill. It's a corn nut!

I got a bottle cap.

Mine flew away.

Let me explain from behind this cage.

Now, your pills have become very expensive, and no one gives a rat's a*s about you.

So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey.

For those of you who survive the night, we'll be having waffles tomorrow.

Ooh.

Waffles.

I didn't die in World VVar ll just to be pushed around by some pill-hoarding hussy!

I'm gonna fight this thing!

Ah, he's crazy. But what are you gonna do? He's young.

Well, the drug company won't do anything to help us.

I got the answer!

Dad?

Oh. Thank God it's the right place.

I burst into four homes before this one.

Now listen. All the drugs we want are right across the border.

I have a friend who will help us.

The border, eh? Then I'd better sand off my fingerprints.

Ow!

I could just wear gloves.

Nah, they're upstairs.

Ow, ow, ow!

(CRYING)

Hola, señor We are gringos who wish. To spend mucho dinero in your country.

Splendid. Welcome to Canada. D'oh!

Okay, Abe. Here are your fake Canadian health cards.

Take them to any pharmacy, and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon.

(LAUGHING)

That's a good one, Johnny.

Thanks a million, Johnny. In appreciation, I'd like to give you this DVD player.

What the heck? Where do you pour the syrup?

I'd like some Vioxx, Coumadin, Albuterol, Prevacid and an auto-inflate blood pressure monitor C-cuff with case.

Anything you like, fellow Canadian.

Canadian? Them's fightin' words!

I mean, accurate words.

One pill makes you larger.

And one pill makes you small.

And the ones That mother gives you.

Don't do anything at all.

Go ask Alice.

When she's ten feet tall

Anything to declare?

I declare that you have the most beautiful brown eyes.

Why, I do believe you're smuggling a heart as big as all outdoors.

Now get in my country, you big lug.

(CHUCKUNG)

Did he have a passport?

Yes. To my heart.

Drugs! Various drugs! Be sure to read instructions!

Uh-oh. Where did I put the instructions?

Now, who's next? I got pills to make you sleep late, coagulate, eliminate and copulate, in that order.

Grampa, we would like to thank you for all you have done for us.

Please accept this Operation Dumbo Drop souvenir jacket.

Look, they used the same "D" for "Dumbo" and "Drop."

(LAUGHS) Unbelievably, only three were ever purchased.

Marge? Bart? Lisa?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(All) Aloha.

Oh. This is just like Hawaii.

But you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives?

We just wanted to thank you.

Because of the Xanax, I'm not overanxious about being a Simpson anymore.

I am a little anxious about being on Xanax, but the Zoloft covers that nicely.

(GULPS)

My dad, the drug mule.

(GAGGING)

Oh, man. I need something to settle my stomach.

Wait. I was supposed to take these with food.

Oh, look, it is Mr. Homer, my favorite customer.

Please feel free to paw through my Playdudes and tell me to go back to some country I am not actually from.

Why the sweet talk, Apu?

Are you after some cheap drugs?

Please let me come on one of your smuggling runs.

My eight babies are driving me crazy with their coughing and sneezing and general oozing.

My Janitor in a Drum is afraid to come out!

What does that mean? I don't even know!

That is the kind of bad joke I am making! I am so tired!

Help me out, Homer. My little Roddy needs his insulin.

Breaks my heart to watch him jones-diddly-onesing.

Flanders? I don't know. I mean, you haven't done anything for me.

Since you lent me that 5,000 bucks yesterday.

I don't claim to be the perfect neighbor.

If you let us come, I will give you 10 minutes alone with my Squishy machine. Do what you will.

No cameras?

(SPLUTTERED PROTEST)

(SURRENDERING SIGH)

No cameras.

Homer, tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me.

I was just telling him how brave he is to worship a false god.

I do not worship one god. Okay?

I worship a whole super team of deities that...

Ow! Ow! Okay, he just pinched me!

Well, where's your super team now?

Listen, you two. I'll tell you who the true god is if you're both quiet the rest of the trip.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, I'm coming back there!

(Apu) Save me, Shiva!

(Ned) Why don't you just call out for Hawkman?

(Apu) Why don't you shut up?

Well, circle cut my bacon! Look at all these Yankee-doodly-dandies!

Is there another Vietnam going on?

Hello, neighborino to the north.

I sure like the cut of your gibberish.

(RAPIDLY INTERLOCKING DOODLIES, DIDDLIES)

Say, would you like to puff on a reefer-ino? It's legal here.

They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go!

Anyone want some coffee for the ride back?

Not that convenience store crap, is it?

Because I don't feed that to my dogs.

No, no. It's home-brewed.

Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank.

Oh, my! Hot! Hot! Hot!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Here. Let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. (PANTING)

Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh!

(g*ns c*ck)

Hold on! We're just innocent tourists!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I took another sip.

Today Mounties busted a major American drug smuggling ring.

Former US astronaut, Homer Simpson, was taken into custody.

Oh, my butt looks so huge during perp walks.

We've confiscated your car and its contents.

"Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et ses contenus."

You may leave Canada but never return.

"Vous êtes permis de quitter le Canada, mais vous n 'avez plus le droit de rentrer "

I am a big, fat, French idiot.

"Je suis un grand gros..."

Hey!

(CHUCKLES)

No more drugs. We let everyone down.

Your jacket, sefior.

Thank God we did not stitch your name over the breast.

(SIGHS)

Dad, you tried your best. For the first time in my life, I can say without being drunk that I truly admire you.

Oh!

No drinking in public.

Hey, where'd it go? Oh, well.

Ah, there's nothing like canceling an employee drug plan to make one feel so at peace with the universe.

I agree, sir.

Shut up. I'm so sick of you, Smithers.

Your toadying, your complete agreeability, your gasping on the floor...

(GASPING)

(SHOCKED CRY)

Smithers! If this is some sort of hijink, stop it immediately.

Sir, my thyroid is swelling up.

Confound it, man. I need your throat clear and ready for perjury.

When you canceled the drug plan, I couldn't afford my Thyroxine anymore.

But before I die, there are words I have always longed to say.

Sir, I... (CHOKING)

Fear not, Smithers! I'll move heaven and Earth to save you!

It's still easier than teaching a new assistant my filing system.

I just wish we could make one last big score, but we could never drive past the border patrol.

There are other ways to get into Canada.

(GROWLING)

No!

That's it! A plane!

Smuggle drugs in a plane? That'll never work!

Sure, it will. All we need is a pilot.

I've got everything you need.

Homer: Katharine Hepburn?

No, you fool! 'Tis I, Burns. Now come with me.

(Mr. Burns) At last, my plane shall be used for its original purpose, to subvert the laws of the United States.

Looks like your plane's pretty full, eh?

Don't want to overload it.

Pah! Typical Canadian wimpiness.

That's why you have snowballs, and we have the H-b*mb!

We really appreciate your help, Johnny.

Is there any way we can repay you?

Well, I've always wanted to see a man with the IQ of a child ex*cuted by the state.

We don't get that up here.

Really? In America, we do it four times a week.

You come on down, and I'll get us front row seats.

I'd like that.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

We're losing altitude. Time to dump all unnecessary weight.

What? Don't dump me out! I can lose weight! Just give me a chance!

One, two...

Ah, I'd rather die.

It's no use. We've got to make an emergency landing.

Well, at least we're all in this together.

Now, we have three parachutes.

This one's for me.

And these two are gifts for my nephews. Tallyho!

(BOTH GASP)

Homer, are you sure you can fly this thing?

We'll make it, Dad, on a wing and a prayer.

Damn it!

(SNORING)

(GASPS)

(SIREN BLARING)

All right, you're under arrest.

On what charge?

Making a police chief go...

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

Get in the car. And don't touch those g*ns. I just loaded them.

You'll have to arrest me, too!

Abe Simpson brought the Propecia to keep grass on Willie's field!

He cured my lumbago. Thank you.

My diaper rash.

My glayvinoids are not so hurtful.

Thanks to his lactose intolerance pills, I can drink this Krusty brand milkshake.

Terrible!

Well, Simpson, you have helped a lot of people.

So like it says in the Springfield Police Handbook, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

(CHEERS)

Uh, Chief, you know, I've been checking the handbook.

A lot of the things you say aren't in there at all.

Yeah, well, look a little closer, Lou.

(HITTING GRUNT)

(PAINFUL GRUNT)

(CHEERS CONTINUE)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Oh, I hope I'm not too late.

Take, potion! Hurry!

Oh, it's not working.

Only my sour, curdled breath will quicken him.

(QUICK BREATHS)

(GASPS)

(THRILLED MOAN)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Sir, you saved my life.

Yes.

Smithers, I was a stingy old fool.

But from now on, I'll provide drug benefits to all my full-time employees.

Great news, honey.

Mr. Burns made me a freelance consultant.

Hey, what's this lump?

(BELL TOLLING)