01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Miss, I want to run for head girl.

Lovely. Deadline was yesterday.

Please shut the door.

Yeah, but I was off sick yesterday

so Oh, cry me a river.

I can't go moving

dates around willy-nilly,

else everyone will want

special treatment, won't they?

Well, it could just be our little

secret.

Don't do that.

Rules are rules, and anyway,

these things,

they're a popularity contest.

Not to say that you're not popular

but, erm

All right, let's not beat

around the bush, you're not popular.

Cheers, miss. Come on. Get real.

I've got the likes of

Poppy Cruickshank in the running.

It would be David and Goliath.

Yeah, but popular girls shouldn't

just automatically get it anyway.

It's not fair.

Oh, maybe you'll get a Filofax and

start adhering to deadlines then.

What use is a Filofax? People

in the running for head girl./

Now, if there's nothing else

This is discrimination.

No, it's not.

Can I just say one more thing?

Oh, good God, what?

This school, right, has been crying

out for the voice of the many

and that's me, me.

Come on. Just do it as an

experiment,

see if I get the others to

work harder.

That's two things.

Campaign speeches are next week.

Don't let me down

and don't embarrass yourself.

I won't, I promise.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, please get out.

..I wouldn't call myself an expert.

I would argue no-one can truly

call themselves a film fan if they

haven't watched an Almodovar.

Oh, please, that's ludicrous.

I didn't say you have to like them.

But you've got to be fluent in

their artistic currency.

Travis, favourite film? Erm

I've always really liked

Moulin Rouge.

You've got to be joking. No.

That was a great film. Arty.

Arty is one word.

Derivative's another.

Trav, Mrs Blocker wants to

see you in her office. Why?

She caught you on the CCTV wearing

your trainers. Oh, for God

Erm

Right, I'll see you in a bit, boys.

You're welcome. Oh, you dickhead,

I was bricking it.

Well, I had to be cruel to be kind,

didn't I?

Right, do you want to help me

make some posters? What for?

I'm so crap at this stuff. Hm.

Yeah, I can see that.

HE SCOFFS

By the way, I wanted to say

sorry for the other day.

Just for the other day? Because

you've been a d*ck for weeks, babe.

Yeah, well, all right,

give us offence.

Will you forgive me if I buy you

a Club bar? Maybe.

Thanks.

On a completely different topic,

erm,

can I borrow £1.50?

Please. You're a twat.

Have you spoken to Lyds?

Yeah. Well, no, I haven't.

I texted her but she just replied

with three middle-finger emojis.

Yeah, I know. She's pissed.

She's so pissed.

Right, show me them.

Right, yeah. I don't know, this is

what I've got. I mean

THEY LAUGH

No, that's sh*t. Ohhh!

That's a bit harsh.

No, it's not funny. What?

I can't put that round the school.

I'm a strong independent woman.

..future, that's just fact, there

won't be jobs for any of us,

within ten years, we'll just

Peter.

Hey, erm, can you help us with this?

Please. I'm hardly going to say yes

before I know the terms.

All right, chill out, I'm not going

to ask you to sign a contract.

Just help with these posters. Oh!

Very droll.

Done. Easy.

Oh, my God. Peter, you're a ledge.

But don't think this

secures my vote,

I will remain impartial until I have

considered all policies.

BELL RINGS

Right. There we go.

That's that one done.

Nice. Right.

Babe. What's all this?

She's running for head girl.

I'm running for head girl.

Oh, my goodness, good for you,

babe. Thanks.

But what about the deadline?

You missed it, right?

Oh, that It doesn't matter to me,

I'm just

I'm so proud of you, Beth.

Good luck.

Gosh, she's a rotten apple.

All right, Grandma.

Jesus! Shut up!

Hi, Beth. What?

Can I take some of those? I'll put

'em up for you. Thanks.

Here, take a few.

Beth?

Beat the b*tch. Sorry?

You heard me.

Bye.

Bye.

Excuse me. Hi.

Sorry, I'm just looking for Trina.

I think she was watching the telly.

OK.

I'm going that way, I'll take you.

OK.

Are you her daughter? Yeah.

Yes, Bethan, she's been telling me

all about you. Really?

Yeah, you're going to be a Hollywood

star, apparently. Oh, G

I don't know about that!

THEY LAUGH

I've healed you now, so you can get

on the floor if you want.

Piss off.

Oh, Beth!

Where have you been? To school.

School. Busy? Yeah. Oh!

I've got myself in a bit of hot

water. Why? font col

See that woman over there?

Just promised to buy her

a brand-new Ferrari. Oh!

Writing cheques my arse can't cash.

Cup of tea? No.

No, I don't want that.

Ah, backwash.

So, how do you feel?

Yeah, great.

It's like a five-star hotel in here.

No, but, I mean, like, what's going

on in your head? Everyth

Yeah. Well, I can read the Bible

and enjoy it and I can drink hot

and cold tea and enjoy that too.

Mam, no, don't drink

Someone's drunk out of that.

Don't drink it.

Listen. Huh?

I'm going to run for this election

thing in school. Mm.n

Like Margaret Thatcher?

No, Mam, no.

Basically, if Iif you get it,

you become the face of the school

so I've got to do this speech

in front of

Remember when you did a play and you

were sick, vomited everywhere?

You was a wreck. Yeah,

I remember that, yeah.

It's not like that.

Oh, hold on a minute.

Just got to tune my brain in, Beth.

What are you doing, Trina,

you all right?

No, it's just a cleaner.

Mam, shush.

You can't say that, that's rude.

Gasping for a cup of tea.

Oh, Mam, that's Oh

Disgusting?

It's very nice, thank you. OK.

What is he doing up there?

Don't care. He can stay up there.

What's some good policies?

What did you want

when you were in school, Nan?

All I cared about was necking boys.

Oh.

It's true. Duncan Gibbert made me

go weak at the knees. Stop

Look, you don't need all this

bollocks, you're a lovely girl.

You just stand up there and say,

"I'm beautiful, everybody

0

You smoking crack?

Not lately, no.

BETHAN LAUGHS

Go and tell him his tea's ready.

He won't come. Right.n

I'll go tell him and you are coming

with me. No, I'm not.

Please, I don't want to see him.

Come on.

LOUD KNOCKING

Dil, I'm coming in. Not now, Mam.

Come and have some dinner.

Just get out, Mam.

Get out!

I told you.

Hey.

Whoa. How many farts have

you done in here?

It stinks.

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

Can you not? That's my last one.

Twat.

What are you watching?

Cats Kingdom. Why?

Do you want something? Yeah.

I miss you.

I've been worried about you.

Well, I'm fine, so you can go.

You don't come to school and you

look like sh*t so I look

Yeah.

Look in the mirror.

My mum's at a conference anyway so

I'm obviously going to knock off.

Guess what?

Shereen Hammer and JD Jenkins had

sex in a graveyard.

Like, on a grave.

Can you imagine the corpse

underneath being like,

"Are you taking the p?"?

Do you reckon you'll be

there on Wednesday?

Dunno.

Cos I'm doing my speech

for head girl.

Yeah. And I need you and Trav

there because I'm sh1tting myself.

What?

That is suicide.

Yeah, maybe.

Will you vote for me, though?

Pff, no.

I'm going out now so

OK, I'll go.

I'm so sorry about what

Tony Chippy did to you.

I know you feel like a piece

of sh*t, but you're not.

You're wicked. You're

..amazing,

you're funny andI love you.

Oi!

DOOR CLOSES

Vote for Bethan.

Vote for Bethan.

Do you s? Why's she laughing?

That was a bit rude.

Vote for Bethan. Vote for Bethan.

Vote for Bethan, mate.

Trav, I printed 100 of these.

No-one's taken one.

Free flapjack if you vote for me.

Look at the state of her.

Corrupt already.

Be honest. No-one is going to vote

for me, are they?

LAUGHTER

What the f*ck?

You just got dog pooed. Oh, my God!

Is it on me? Is it on me?

No, it's on ME, you twat!

It stinks. Is it on you?

Do you see what I mean, though?n

We're being shat on,

it's embarrassing.

Right, none of the pupils are going

to vote for you, babe.

But the teachers make up 50% of

the vote, don't they? So if you

get them on board No. ..you may

font color="♪00ff

Go in the staffroom. Please don't.

I've said no.

Trav!

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Please don't. I asked you not to.

Yeah, but it'll be fine.

You're causing a scene now.

I'm not causing a scene. See./

SHE SIGHS

Avon calling.

What do you guttersnipes want, hm?

Well, Bethan is on the campaign

trail and she'd love to run

the teachers through her policies,

wouldn't you, Beth?

I'm trying to eat my bagel here

so 60 seconds.

That's all we'll take

and then we'll be right out of here.

All right. Enter.

Make it pithy. OK.

We're in.

So, these two want to chew our ears

off. Come on, then, let's hear it.

I'm running for head girl

and I wondered if I could count on

your vote.

It all depends, doesn't it?

You scratchy our backies,

we scratchy yours and all that.

Basically, I'm going to pledge

for the canteen to go plastic free.

Ooh, boring. Or did you just steal

that off of every single poster down

the corridor, did you?

No. No, I didn't, actually.

No. I called the current suppliers

to price it up and they're actually

more expensive than the ones

offering compostable packaging.

Not bad.

See, you nearly lost me there

but then you reeled me

back in like a little fish on a

little dish. Props to you.

SHE SNIFFS

Right. Time's up.

Can I give you one of these?

No. No.

THEY GIBBER

Get all those muscles relaxed.

Yeah. Just let it go. Oh!

How does it help my speech?

Cos if you're relaxed, then

people are going to listen to you.

Like as if you are just watching

the telly. Get your tongue out.

That's it.

Cunnilingus. Focus.

Focus. Seriously!

Repeat after me.

Betty Botter bought some butter but

she said the butter's bitter

Who the f*ck is Betty?

THEY EXHALE

Brrrrrrr.

BOTH: Aaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hit me.

Come on.

My fellow Year 11s Eye contact,

babe!

My name is Bethan Gwyndaf

and I'm here to recruit you.

I can't forget the looks on the

faces of people who have lost hope.

If I can be elected, it's a green

light, it says dare to hope

and you and you and you,

you have to give people hope.

Is that the speech from Milk, babe?

What, you've seen it?

Yeah, of course I have. Everyone

has. It's good. It's really good.

It's really good.

It's just not really you.

What? The speeches are tomorrow!

Well, I What am I meant to do?

Well, it's fine, we can just

work on it It's not fine.

We can go through it.

I've just wasted, like, the last

however many hours doing nothing in

a field, embarrassing myself, for

you to say it doesn't sound like me.

Hope for a better place to Oh.

SHE MUMBLES

Hope for a better place to come to,

if the pressures at home are too

great.

HE SLAMS DOOR

I could cry when I hear you

talk like that.

You're going to go far, my girl.

OK, settle down.

Come on, take your seats.

We will be starting in five minutes

with the female candidates.

You have to line up near me.

Female candidates.

Settle down.

Shut it!

Jonesy, in your own time.

SHE TAKES DEEP BREATHS

First candidate to welcome to

the stage, please,

it is Sarah Zygmund.

APPLAUSE

Give me an L!

ALL: L!

Give me another L!

ALL: L!

Give me an A!

OK, that's quite enough of that.

I'd like to get home today before

lunchtime. Isn't it? All right.

Now, we have Poppy Cruickshank.

CHEERING

We love you, Poppy!

I love you too!

Right, first things first.

Llanfair High School is the best.

Woohoo!

CHEERING

CHANTING: Llanfair, Llanfair!

OK, OK, OK!

Be serious now, guys.

It would be an honour to

work for you all.

And, truly, my door will always

be open.

I want you to come to me with any

problems, and we'll fix it together.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, your final candidate to

take to the stage,

please welcome Bethan Gwyndaf.

Hi.

Sorry.

Hurry up, love!

LAUGHTER

My name is Bethan Gwyndaf.

And I'm here to

..to recruit you.

SNORTS OF LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Forget a speech.

I'm just going to cut to the chase.

Vote for me and I pledge to fix

the toilet seats.

You know, the deathly ones

that look normal

but are actually split down

the middle, yeah?

No longer will you lower down for

a morning steamer, praying to

Jesus that the toilet seat won't,

you know, bite you on the bum.

LAUGHTER

Dogs bite.

Toilet seats shouldn't.

Do d*kes bite, fatty?

Button it, Priest!

I tell you what, Priest,

shall I just get it all out the way

now, yeah?

Yeah, go on, then.

I'm not cool.

I'm not skinny.

And you don't want to jizz on me.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to add anything else?

Eh Yeah.

You've got blancmange t*ts.

Can we stop this semen

and breast talk, please?

LAUGHTER

Next up, I want to know who the hell

came up with the idea that

pupils aren't allowed in

during break times.

We're out there like soggy rats

getting trenchfoot,

while the teachers, yeah,

they're living it up like it's

Club Tropicana in the staffroom.

So the empty maths hut

round the back -

let's change it into a common room.

If we don't like something,

let's change it.

This is our school and our lives,

and we choose what we do with it.

For too long the school has voted

in popular kids because, well

..we've always done it, but

..being real, sometimes popular

people are two-faced.

They only bother being nice

when they want something,

when the truth is

they don't care about us.

They think they can use us,

but I say not today.

Not ever.

Look, I'm not going to wang on.

You can do what you've always done,

or you can vote for change, AKA me.

Right, lads, vote with your heads,

not your dicks.

Oh, all right now, that's enough

LAUGHTER

Peace out.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, how did it go?

It was all right.

Do you think you got it?

I don't know. I have to wait till

tomorrow. Are you happy?/

Yes. Are you happy?

Yes, I'm happy. I bet you were

brilliant. font color

I bet you blew their socks off.

Right, I've got to go, though.

OK. Keep me in the loop!

Yeah, I'm going to go now.

All right Right, I'll speak to

you later. font co

Love you too. Love you more.

Bye! Bye-bye.

I know. She is such a b*tch.

In your own time!

Why are we at a scabby house?

Yeah, don't freak out, right, but

..Tony Chippy lives here.

What you doing? What the f*ck?

Yeah, well, he's not going to

get away with it. No, Beth,

just leave it. It doesn't matter.

It does matter, Lydia.

I swear Seriously, no-one hurts

you and gets away with it.

Just leave it!

I swe I'm leaving, then.

You're not. No I'm leaving.

Wait Trav, I don't want to.

No, you're not doing it.

You don't have to. No

It doesn't change anything.

It does change everything.

Beth, stop it!

No, I don't want to

What?

Are you Tony Chippy's wife?

Who wants to know?

Me. Obviously.

I might be, yeah. And what?

Well, you need to know something.

Spit it out.

I've got three minutes before this

starts burning into all of my scalp.

He cheated on you.

What'd you say?

Yeah. My friend, she's 16,

half his age.

You've got some big f*cking cl*t,

turning up on my doorstep.

Yeah, well, it's true, so.

Tony Chippy!

What?

Get here now!

Well, come on, then, mouth.

Thinks you're brave?

Say it to his face.

What's all this?

You should be ashamed of yourself!

What they doing here?

I don't know, do I? Stupid

f*cking kids.

Well, if we're kids then

why d'you have sex with her? Huh?

Yeah, Tony.

Chips, you best looks me

in the eye right now and tell me

they're lying, or I'm going to

f*cking nut you.

Shandy, man,

they're just little f*cking shits!

Oh, you're a liar! You best run now,

before I belt you,n

all three of you little f*ck!

Yeah, go on, threaten us

all you want, but you had sex

with a 16-year-old

who was too drunk to consent.

What's she on about?

Do you know what, Tony?

I wouldn't piss on you

if you were on fire.

f*cking trollop!

f*cking ignore 'em, Shan,

they're little f*cking slags

t

That's f*cking rich!

Shandy, check his car!

My knickers are in there somewhere.

You little rotten, horrible b*stard!

Oh, my God! Run!

YELLING

No hanky-panky, one vote only.

You going to vote for me?

That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

Come on, at least tell us

who's winning.

All right, put it this way,

it's tighter than a nun's clam.

Brilliant.

BETHAN CHUCKLES

Disgusting!

The ballot box has been emptied.

The votes have been counted.

And I gathered you all here today

because we think it's high time

that we announced the winners.

Now, without further ado,

your deputy head girl

Slight pause for suspense.

..is Poppy Cruickshank.

SHOCKED GASPS

That is shocking!

I'm shocked, man!

F-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!

MUTED

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Poppy.

She's gutted!

And now it gives me great pleasure

to reveal

Llanfair High School's

newly appointed head girl.

No, actually, no.

It's worth mentioning that this

is a huge responsibility.

But I think these shoulders

will carry with the diligent

Oh, come on!

It's Bethan Gwyndaf.

Wh-aa-aa-aa!

CHEERING

That's cool! I know, I know!

I can't believe it!

EXCITED CHATTER

Babe, congrats!

Such a big achievement for you.

How are you going to celebrate?

Going to go for a Kashmiri

with my mam.

Nice. Yeah.

Well, yeah, well done, you,

for getting deputy. Thanks.nt

Actually worked out really well

because I'm so busy

with Duke of Edinburgh

and everything.

Two-faced was an interesting

comment, though.

Well done. Give me a hug.

Right. Catch you later.

Said it before and I'll say it

again,

she's a c**t!

She'll have to You are head girl!

Head girl, b*tch!nt

I'm head girl! Oh, my God!

You're very cool.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's amazing! font color="♪

So you're literally

MUSIC: Don't Leave Me This Way

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ I can't survive

I can't stay alive

♪ Without your love ♪

You all right, love?

She likes the limelight, don't she?

BETHAN CHUCKLES

She won't let any of the others

have a go.

Sorry. Nah, it's all right,

she's having fun.

Hm!

Oh, come here.

Eyelash.

Squash? Yeah.

Enjoy.

♪ So can't you see

it's burning out of control? ♪

♪ I think I'm going to need

some therapy

♪ Oh, babe

I hope you got a PhD ♪

Mum, sit down. Come on, love.

Mum, stop!

Oh! Come and dance with me!

Mum, I don't want to.

Stop it, Mum, stop it!

You're embarrassing yourself! Stop!

Sorry.

It'll be all right.

Yeah.

Thank you so much!

That was brilliant!

Thank you, that was great.

Thanks, Alfred.

MUSIC STOPS

Mam?

I got head girl today.

I know.

You are my best girl.

She's never going

to understand me, is she?

UPBEAT MUSIC

SHE SIGHS

♪ Having trouble telling how I feel

♪ But I can dance, dance, dance

♪ Couldn't possibly tell you

how I mean

♪ But I can dance, dance, dance

♪ So when I'm tripping my feet

♪ Look at the beat

The words are written in the sand

♪ When I'm shaking my hips

♪ Look for the swing

The words are written in the air

♪ Ooh, dance

♪ I was a dancer all along

♪ Dance, dance, dance

♪ Words could never make up

for what you do

♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪

MUSIC FADES

SHE EXHALES

Staff, these two are here

from the local comp,

volunteering for their

Duke of Edinburgh awards.

BETHAN PANTS