01x02 - Hip Hip

[bunniefuu]

You don't find it slightly ironic
that you of all people

are making fun of somebody
for changing their appearance?

Tom, you can have frosty tips
or a frosty personality.

You can't have both
at the same time.

Take your hat off.
Let's see it again.

TOM SIGHS

They're only supposed
to frost the tips.

How am I supposed to know
where the tip ends?

Spoken like every college boyfriend
ever.

Millie.

Thomas.

Wow. Erm...

you look like
a young Father Christmas.

Yeah?
Yes.

Millie, Tom and I would love
to stay and make small talk,

but I think that technically counts
as a hate crime,

so we're gonna go, I reckon.
Oh, come on, now, Liv.

I wouldn't have pegged you
for a grumpy guts. Ooh!

THEY LAUGH
Yeah.

Ha... Ah, you couldn't peg me
if your life depended on it.

Hang on, Millie, have you been...?
Have you been working in the dark?

I've only just turned the lights on.

Yeah, I came in early
to get a head start on my list,

but I couldn't find
the light switch.

But then I was like,
"Well, I'm here now,

"and these kiwis aren't
gonna move themselves."

LAUGHING: Except the ones that did.

And I'm just realising now
those might have been rats.

Right.

Listen, er, Millie, erm...

Liv and I are actually done here
now, so I was, erm...

I was wondering if perhaps
you'd like to join me

in getting a head start

on reorganising
some of the breakfast cereals

according to roughage content?
Ooh, you've read my mind.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Not really, though.
I was thinking about micro pigs.

SOFTLY: Micro pigs.

We're just gonna go and chat
about micro pigs and...

Please, tell me... Tell me more.
Oh, really?

Erm, yeah, let me grab this. So...
Yeah.

..micro pigs are the kindest animals
to walk the planet.

I've never...

No, yeah, go on,
you can go without me.

It's fine, I'll just, erm...

I'll just stay here and swivel
on a pair of barbecue tongs.

STAFF CHATTER

OK.

Listen up, everyone.
Thank you very much.

Er, we have a big health and safety
inspection coming up.

Now, call me crazy, er, but I think
we can improve on this number,

but only if we start
taking health and safety more...

Seriously!

..seriously.

Now, to that end, I thought
we could do a bit of role play.

Ooh.
So, let's imagine for a second

you're at the deli counter
cutting meat,

and a... a guy, a simple guy,
nice guy, let's...

let's call him Simon, approaches to
ask a very innocent question about,

oh, I don't know, bin rotas.

In that situation,

what shouldn't we do
with a butcher's knife?

What shouldn't we do
with a butcher's knife?

Beefy Linda?

Simon.
Beefy Linda?

Beefy Linda?

CHAIR SQUEAKS

Beefy?

Simon.
Yeah! Beefy Linda.

Millie's got her hand up.

So she does, yeah. Yeah, go on.

Don't panic or stab you in the eye.

Sorry.

Yeah, don't panic
or stab me in the eye

with a butcher's knife
is the correct answer.

Law of the jungle.

But it isn't a jungle, is it?
It's a supermarket.

I doubt we'd be selling
bloody fabric softener

in the Amazon, would we?

Well, not with that attitude, no.

What? Unbelievable.

Now, the word "safety"...
God, that Millie.

Who is that excited to come to work?

Willy Wonka isn't that excited...
Liv, shut up! I'm trying to listen.

I'm just saying
there's something very odd

about somebody
who's that into this job.

So if you are sniffing around
that particular bush, if I were you,

I would leave that well alone.

There's no bush sniffing, OK?
Millie and I aren't a thing.

And even if we were,
the only reason you'd care

is you'd be jealous I'd have
a new friend to replace you with.

Ha!

I was just laughing
at the thing you said.

About my friend's chemical burns?

Yep.

So, in the interest
of health and safety,

tonight, we are all gonna undergo

a mandatory health and safety
refresher course.

Get in! I'll bring my elbow pads.

Not you, Millie. I need you to count
the loose crisps or something.

Who's gonna look after
my deli counter?

I refuse to let my meat
go under the knife

unless it's in the hands
of a professional.

Now THAT I happen to agree with.

Well, some of you may know,
some of you may not know, erm...

but I started my career here
at Pellocks on the deli counter.

Before I traded my apron in
for a managerial power tie.

I-I... I don't know why
I'm telling you this,

but I met my wife on...
on the deli counter, too.

She...

She came in looking for
some pork loin and... and, erm...

..she left mine ablaze.

Speaking of tiny fires...

And, yes,
I do mean birthday candles.

..I'd like to remind everyone

that we have a very special
staff birthday gathering

in the shop at midnight.

My God, shut up, Millie.
Nobody cares.

You know him. You love him.

It's everyone's favourite
assistant manager,

Thomas Rice! Whoo!
MILLIE APPLAUDS

Happy birthday, Thomas!

Party!
Get down.

Yeah.

Uh...

You wanna come and sit here?
I put that there for you.

OK.

OK. Erm, right.

Can anyone tell me
the first thing to do

when you set up a food prep area?

Hey, yes, Beefy, excellent.

Whack on some banging tunes?

No, no, no, that's...
that's wrong, I'm afraid.

Listening to music while working
seriously impairs the senses.

I mean,
it takes a truly skilled knifeman

to rock out... with his hock out.

Er, moving on...

SOFTLY: I don't know
if it's the eye patch,

but I'm gonna be honest with you,
this is doing it for me.

Now, I wanna talk about
bloodborne parasites.

HE SNORTS
Nope, still sexy.

Tom, you have to talk to me
at some point.

It's not like I forgot
an important birthday, is it?

I'm 30.

Well, not to split fanny hairs,
but my t*ts turned two last week.

Not so much as a card from you,
my friend.

Not that I actually care,
because, as I say,

who remembers each other's birthdays
any more?

It's actually very weird
that Millie remembered yours.

Oh, God, you...
you don't think she's a bit...

..porcine A*DS, bovine A*DS...

Sorry, what is this mime?

I completely forgot why I started.
Millie's not crazy!

Trust me, that psychopath
is hiding something.

Olivia!

There's, like, four of us.
I can hear every word you're saying.

Please, just... can we concentrate?

These health and safety inspectors,
they are bad mothers.

They take no sh*t.

Unless... Oh, hang on, well,
unless they find a bit of sh*t.

If they find a little rat faeces or
something, then they will take that.

They'll take it away to the lab
to be tested.

And then... And then sh*t gets real.

Look, I... I understand
it's an unhelpful metaphor,

and I-I... I apologise for that,
but...

..just get out there tonight, yeah?

And remember, Pellocks...

wuvs woo.

Hooray!
God, what is he...?

Stay safe, people. Yeah?

Thanks, Beef.

HEAVY METAL BLARES,
STOPS

UPBEAT MUSIC

Oh, yes.

Mm.

Hello. Hi, what can I get you?

Would you like some sirloin steak?
We have some.

Just £12.99 per kilogram.

What would you like? Some lamb?
BLEATS: Lo-o-o-vely.

Chicken? Yeah,
I've got all the meats...

including Simon's big banger.

Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

Massage. Yeah.

And you, chicken thighs?
Yeah, I've got packs of six.

Hey, hey, easy, back up.
Plenty of room for everyone.

Would you like a meatball? Huh?
Would YOU like a meatball?

HE SCREAMS,
CRASHES

My coccyx!

At ease, my salty comrades.

So...

..how long have you and Tom been...?

Getting married?
Oh, that's adorable.

Look, if you're trying
to start a pissing contest

with a transgender woman,

I think I know which one of us
has better aim.

Tom is my friend.
Back the f*ck down.

I am so sorry if I've done something
to offend you.

If this is about the time
I snubbed you on aisle 15,

I swear to God, I thought you were
a discount Halloween decoration.

You know what, Millie,
maybe you're right.

Maybe you really are just that nice.

Oh, no.

I seem to have knocked over
one of your jars.

MILLIE GASPS

It's OK, it can happen to anyone.
It's not like you did it on purpose.

Wow. What a sweet thing to say.

And I promise, Millie,
it will never happen again.

MILLIE GASPS

Wow. Heh. Ooh...

Somebody's being a butterfingers.

Do these look buttery to you?

Ooh...
NERVOUS LAUGH

Simon, you need to fire Millie.

Don't ask me why, just trust me,
the woman's a fruitcake.

Simon!

SIMON GROANS WEAKLY

I accidentally unplugged
the deli freezer...

..and now I've got loads
of extra meat I need to get rid of.

Well, just like that,
you and I have something in common.

Shut up, Olivia!

I'm in over my head,
I can't run this place.

I never wanted to be a manager.

It's just...

it's so much responsibility,
it's just so much stress.

I miss the man I was
behind this counter.

Chopping loins and making coins.

Cleaning turkey necks,
cashing dirty cheques...

..with not a care
in the f*cking world.

Yeah.

My wife fell in love with
the man I was behind this counter.

But now I don't know
who I am any more.

How much of that is tears,
and how much is meat juice?

Hm, 80-20.
OK.

You've obviously
got everything covered.

If I could just get you
to come fire Millie,

then I'll leave you
to your evening.

Fire Millie?!

I'm not firing
my most hard-working employee

just cos she gives you the creeps.

She does the work of four people.

That's like 16 yous.

Rude.
No, for me to fire Millie,

she'd have to do something
really bloody dangerous.

One of these days,
that b*tch is gonna blow,

and then it's gonna be more
than just meat juice on your hands.

Pull yourself together
and be a bloody manager!

Hm.

You don't see many crowbars
these days.

They run out
of old-timey dynamite sticks?

Look in here and tell me you do not
see the behaviour of a psychopath.

Oh, I see the behaviour
of a psychopath.

You need Millie to be crazy,

otherwise you're a bad friend
for forgetting my birthday.

All right, Carl Jung.

Or should I say
"not-so-Jung-any more",

on account of your gradual decline
towards the grave.

I've been on this planet 30 years,

the only meaningful relationship
I have is you.

Just get over yourself,
and leave Millie alone.

And you know what, Sideshow... Knob?

Leave me alone, too, I'm done.

Ooh... Ooh. Oh, no.

Liv! What are you, erm...?

Oh, what's going on here?

Oh, nothing.
I spotted this gum on the ceiling.

I'm thinking to myself, "Now,
that is neither healthy nor safe."

And then with this inspection
coming up,

why has nobody ever thought
about scraping this gum off before?

You know, it's funny,
I did try once, but it's impossible.

Some things are just not meant
for the mortal hands to grasp.

Consigned to the realms of gods
and angels.

Yeah, you're probably right.
Let's just leave it up there, yeah?

Judging us.

The one "to do"
that was never "ta done".

Oh, like a squishy white whale.

Yeah, I'm just gonna
pop this spatula on there.

There we go.

Bye, then.

I'm coming for you, b*tch.

OK, so it turns out Millie...
You remember Millie.

Millie is out there
doing something incredibly unsafe.

Take a seat. Daddy Bear got meat
to move. Satoshi-san.

Yeah, I can offer you
two dozen birds at cost price.

But if you want my meat,
you're not a breast guy,

you're not a thigh guy,
you're a whole bird,

bum-to-bawk-er kind of guy.

You are? Outstanding!

OK, so, Millie... Hey. Shh! Listen.
I should be thanking you.

That talk you gave me, that was
the real boot in the beans I needed.

I'm so glad... Oh.
Excuse me, it's the zoo.

Caesar, hello, mate. No, no, no,
that's the deal, I'm afraid.

Let me spell it out to you.

Do you want Tongo to eat tonight,

or do you wanna have to paint
black stripes on a big orange dog?

Yeah, exactly what I thought.
Bye-bye.

Simon, I am happy for you,
I really am.

If you come out and fire Millie,

I think we'd all feel
a lot better...

KNOCKS
Quarter pounder with cheese, please.

Yeah, excuse me.

Here we go,
I've got it ready for you, mate.

That's fine, let me take that.
Three, four and five is your change.

Thank you.
Totally normal.

As I was saying,
if you could just come out

and fire Millie, I think
we'd all feel a lot... Shh!

Wasn't there something going on
at midnight?

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday... #
PARTY HORN SQUEAKS

It's cool.

Oh-h*-h*! Salutations, Thomas.

Did I hear someone say
tax-deductible birthday banger?

I'm vegan.
Yeah. That's good.

Great, thanks.

Where's Millie?

What happened to the stepladder?
She said it was slowing her down.

Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, come on.
I just wanna say a few words.

Sorry, I know this is a party,
but permit me.

Erm... I am so proud of this team.

We've gone an entire night
without an incident,

and, you know what,
that gives me hope

that there is someone up there
who still looks out for us.

Son of a b*tch!

Argh! Millie!

Millie! What you doing
up in the bloody ceiling?

Oh, no, am I missing the party?
Happy birthday, Thomas!

# Happy birthday... #

Oh, Millie,
now that is so incredibly unsafe!

Some might even say fireably unsafe.
Olivia, shut up! She could die!

Millie, it's Tom. Please,
I really think you should come down.

MILLIE SCREAMS

Oh, sh*t.

Ah! I'll be fine...
if I just stay here forever.

Millie, just try and hold on.

Argh!
GAGGING: Help...

Whatever you do,
don't let your fingers

incrementally slip off one by one
like they do in the movies.

OK. Oh! One slipped off!

I'm so sorry!

Oh, that's another one,
that's twice as many as before.

Yup, there goes another one,
that's 60% of my grip compromised!

MILLIE SCREAMS

Huh?! Oh!

Oh!
MILLIE SQUEALS

MILLIE LAUGHS

Millie, for the record,
I was trying to get you fired,

not splattered on the floor
like a northern blancmange.

If I'd known
you'd pull a John McClane,

I might have thought twice.

Don't blame yourself.
I took the bait.

I care way too much
what people think.

I guess we both do.

I feel like we've never spoken
this openly before.

I know, right?

What are you doing later?
Fancy a game of pickleball?

I've no f*cking idea what that is.
You're gonna love it, Liv.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

TOM GAGGING
I think Tom's choking.

Not today! Three, two, one!

Snapped him like a blond Twix.

Anyway,
I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm having to draw
an angry red face

on your employment record, Millie.

Why do you have to make it look
so much like my dad?

It's just a coincidence.
Liv, always a pleasure.

If there's nothing else,
I have 40 pounds of ground beef

to eat before sunup,
so I will bid you adieu.

How's it feel to do something bad?

Good.

How's it feel to do something good?
Weird.

Speaking of which...
consider this a peace offering.

Let me see her.

Watermelon. I always knew
in my heart it was watermelon.

OK.

Sorry I forgot your birthday, Tom.

I don't care
that you forgot my birthday.

I was just upset because...

well, I was anxious
that I was turning 30.

I needed a friend,
not someone constantly screaming,

"Eureka! My time machine works!"

Tom, man, everybody gets older.

Unless Millie's got some sort
of Benjamin Button situation

I don't know about.

Liv can't wait to get older.

All the women have beards
and the men have t*ts.

She's gonna fit right in.

And that is what you call
top shelf repartee.

Oh, it's the first top shelf
I've ever seen.

Yes, Millie, high-five.

Dial it back, I'm still a person.
OK.

Truth is
I actually feel pretty good.

This brush with death has...

Well, it's made me realise
I was being a bit stupid.

Life's short, and I wanna live it
to the full

with the people that I care about.

It's almost like somebody
planned this entire thing

to give you the birthday gift
of a new perspective on life.

Yeah, right.

What, so you deliberately
forgot my birthday,

you then teased me all day
in order to stoke my insecurities,

you manipulated Millie
up into the ceiling

in order to pry off
some chewing gum,

knowing that at that exact moment,

I'd be stood underneath
with my mouth open,

bingo bango,
chewing gum down my windpipe.

HE SNORTS
Yeah, right.

THEY LAUGH

Can you imagine?!

ALL LAUGH

LIV'S LAUGH
TRAILS OFF

LAUGHTER STOPS