01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ I've never known a
girl Like you before

♪ Now just like in a
song From days of yore

♪ Here you come a-knockin'
Knockin' on my door

♪ Well, I've never met A
girl like you before... ♪

MUSIC STOPS

EXHALES DEEPLY, CRUNCHING

BUZZER BLARES,
METALLIC SCREECHING

Fancy seeing you here.

What are the chances?

So this is me.

IN SPANISH:

IN ENGLISH: Take care, OK?

If I never see you again...

...it'll be too soon.

Bert, I only have
one wish for you.

May you die in your sleep.

Hmm.

Hey, let me help you.

Oof! Oh, it's books.

One has to pass the time.

BERT BREATHES HEAVILY

Too fast?

What? No. It's good to
get a bit of speed up.

So, how are you? Life
treating you good?

Oh, you know.

No, I don't. It's
been ten years.

Where is it you're living?

In the hills.

Ooh. You didn't fancy going
back to dear old Blighty?

Yeah, the fact I haven't
lived there since I was 16,

and the driving rain,
it was a real draw [!]

THEY CHUCKLE

What have the doctors said?

Months, not years.

I'm sorry. Don't be.

Gives me time to think
about my epitaph.

Live, laugh, love.

Die, cry, hate. THEY LAUGH

What do you need, Bert?

A bed, a toilet and a window.

Anything else?

I need you to pull over. Oh.

Pull over!

BERT GASPS

You OK? Yeah, yeah.
Regular occurrence.

I'll get you some water.

Oh!

Ta.

I can almost see the sea.

I wanna go swimming.

Well, I've got a little
pool at my place.

Got a pool? Are you
allowed to go swimming?

I've got cancer, I'm not porous.

CAR DOOR OPENS

ENGINE STARTS

c*ck CROWS

BERT EXHALES HEAVILY

Bit nippy up here in
the clouds, innit?

DONKEY BRAYS

'Ey. SAM CLICKS TONGUE

It's a lot of land.
It's not mine.

So whose is the donkey?

The donkey's mine.

So are the chickens.
The boars are wild.

Suppose it helps not to be
the only "bore" around here.

Ah, she's still funny!

I suppose we can't all have
your wit and repartee, can we?

It's a curse.

Oh, sh*t, is that the
pool? SAM CHUCKLES

I was hoping to
get my lengths in.

Well, you can if you want.

Jeez. I can't die of
Legionnaires' disease

when I've pencil
led in the big C.

Can I ask?

Tumour on my liver, inoperable.

Pills make me nauseous and tired,
but they help me live longer.

If I don't take 'em, I
feel... weirdly normal,

but I could drop dead
in weeks, not months.

So a Catch-22, if you will.

This isn't where I
thought you'd be living.

Thought you'd be in a front
line villa in Puente Romano.

SAM SCOFFS Puente Romano?

I'm more Benahavis. SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, yeah, of course.
Up above it all.

Got you some bits.

What?

Oh. Well, that's
a lovely lady bra.

SAM CHUCKLES It's all they had.

And I had to guess
the size. Thanks.

Oh, I've made up your room,

and if there's anything you
need, I can get it when you're...

What, in my death
throes? You can say it.

Well, yeah, OK, that.

Look, if things get too spicy,

then I'll down a bottle of
bourbon, neck some pills,

and you can bury me
under your goats.

They've made me sign things.

I'm your carer and your guardian.
You can't just go and top yourself.

I'll write a letter saying
you knew nothing about it.

Jesus, Sam! Lighten up.

OK.

You gonna offer a girl
a drink? Of Batch Five?

SAM LAUGHS Oh, that is clean.

That is... That is
better than prison hooch.

It's made from tomatoes. What?

Am I getting this right?

You're living on the side of a
mountain, in a goat herder's hut,

making tomato moonshine

to make sure that
life isn't too easy?

Yeah. I suppose I am, yeah. Why?

You're the best
con woman I know.

You could be living the high life.
Oh, that'd be crass, wouldn't it?

With you in prison.

We should have both
gone down for that job.

'Well, it was my job,
and I f*cked it up.'

Ah! Ugh!

Come on, we're going out.
Let's not dwell on the past.

Today, we drink to life!

OK, yeah. Let's go
out. Whatever you want.

You wanna put some make-up on,

cos you don't wanna spook
the horses with that face.

SAM CHUCKLES, BERT GIGGLES

SIGHS HEAVILY

IN SPANISH:

Hurry up, mate.

BERT GASPS, SAM LAUGHS

Salut.

To you. To us, surely?

This isn't about me. OK, to me.

SAM LAUGHS

God, no. It's herbal, I promise.

Guarana. Try it. No!

It just gives me a
little pep in my step.

Don't want me falling asleep
mid-conversation, do you?

Where did you even get it? The
chemist in prison was a mate.

Have you done any
jobs since I was away?

No. Would you consider
a job if it came up?

No. Our old contacts, you
told them that you're out?

No. Don't wanna bum anyone
out with my bad news.

How's your emotions?
You're very zen.

It's been ten years.
People change.

Hmm.

So they say.

What's that meant to mean?

Just... once a
con, always a con.

One of the oldest
bullrings in the world.

Barbaric sport.

No, it's the opposite.

It's our attempt to
sanitise barbarism.

To tame the beast, as it were.

Aw, it's shut. We'll have
to come back tomorrow.

I wanna go in. It's
on my bucket list.

No, it isn't.

How do you know? It's my
bucket that's been kicked.

You wanna go in now cos
you can't go in now.

Bet you a euro that
you can't get in there.

I'm not doing that. I'm not
doing "I bet you a euro." No way.

You've never failed a euro bet.

Well, today's the day.

That's a dummy. I can tell.

Whatever you're getting
us into, I'm not doing it.

You've just got out of prison.
Yeah, on compassionate discharge.

You don't worry
about my discharge.

How's your discharge? I
hope that's compassionate.

We'll get caught!

So then make sure we don't.

Look, you can come back
here when I'm gone,

and you can remember
the time that we argued

about not breaking
into the bullring,

or you can remember the time that
we got into the bullring undetected.

So which is it gonna be?

Fine.

BERT CHUCKLES

Eh...

IN SPANISH:

Ugh!

POLICE RADIO CHATTER,
ENGINE STARTS

SIREN BLARES

Go.

It's not the usual sort of
thing you bring out to drinks.

I take it everywhere with me.

Yeah, I know you do.

Right, well, keep
a lookout, then.

Ooh, I'm in.

This is why they
pretend it's alarmed.

It's not just a dust
bowl for spearing cattle.

No, this was worn by the
great Francisco Romero,


He introduced the red
cape to bull-fighting.

This little get-up is
worth an arm and a leg.

Oh! Big bull-fighting
expert now?

No, I was reading the plaque.

THEY LAUGH

The k*lling of the bull...

It's not quick.

It's slow.

And the first banderilla
goes in here, in the ribs,

and then three more
spears are fired.

Disables the bull,
tears at the muscle,

breaks him down
while he's alive.

f*ck. You OK?

Just give me a minute.

I've gotta find the loo.

BERT RETCHES

Hey.

Hey, you OK? You've
been ages. Yeah.

BERT COUGHS Fine.

Oh! BERT LAUGHS

Oh, man.

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

Oi, oi, oi! SAM LAUGHS

Yodel-ay, yodel-ay,
yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Now what?

Why's there always
gotta be a "what"?

All right.

What are you...?

Charge me.

SAM LAUGHS

I'm not charging you in
your massive lady bra.

Yeah, go on!

Charge me. Piss off!

Ole!

LAUGHING: What are you doing?

Why didn't you come
and visit me in prison?

You told me not to.

I said, "Let the dust settle."

I meant a couple of
months, not ten years.

BERT CHUCKLES I did...

...want to, but I'd
left it too long.

And then...

I felt so bad that you'd been
sent down and I hadn't. Yeah?

'Ey! F...

Come on. Charge me.

Come on.

Come on, play the game.

I don't play games, Bert.

Yes, you do. Oh, go on.

BERT LAUGHS

OFFICER IN SPANISH:

HE MUTTERS

sh*t!

BERT LAUGHS

Hey!

Para!

Hey!

You're a d*ck. Don't
ever do that again!

Sorry, I forgot that you
were... No, it's fine. I get it.

When's the last time you
did anything like that?

Not even a little break-and-enter?
Just to get the blood pumping? No.

You need to remember who
you are. I know who I am.

Yeah. You're no fun any more.

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

MEN CHAT IN SPANISH

Erm...

IN SPANISH:

Hm?

Perdon. Mm-hm.

Art?

Yeah, it's my new thing.

There's something I need to say.

I'm really sorry.

For what?

For not coming to see you.

And it's not OK.

I don't need your guilt, Sam.

We agreed that if one
of us got charged,

we wouldn't take
the other one down.

And I didn't. And that's
all that's happened, yeah?

I'm sorry I wasn't there while you
were going through this treatment.

It's fine. It isn't.

Just leave that.

Is there no-one you want
me to contact for you?

Mm. No.

Not even Miss Take?

I know it went south, but
she was like a mother to you.

No.

She didn't come and
see me in prison.

I wrote to her over
the years, but...

I always felt like you
gave her too much credit.

She's all I had.

I'm just saying...

she could have behaved better.

Yeah. Well, we all could've
behaved better, but here we are.

Is there anything I can do
to make you more comfortable?

Is there any pain
relief that you need?

Can we not talk
about the cancer?

I just want to enjoy
my time with you.

If that's what you want.
Yeah. It's what I want.

OK.

God, leave it. It's... Oh.

It's nice to have the option
to turn it off myself.

Yeah, of course.

Night.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare
to bingo for your lives.

Are you feeling lucky tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

You are lucky to be in
front of this goddess.

Let's go.

MUSIC: 'Heart of
Glass' by Blondie

From Bert?

She's out.

She can't be.

Says she's been released early
on compassionate grounds. Why?

She's dying.

Says she wants to meet you.
Something she wants to do.

Or wants ME to do, more like.

Poor girl.

There is nothing poor about her.

Carmen. Let's not
take any chances.

We'll keep her at a distance.

c*ck CROWS, DONKEY BRAYS

COUGHING

You OK?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you sleep? Like a log.

Can't believe you kept
'em. Just stuffed in a box.

They might smell. You can
stick 'em in the wash.

Yeah, well, you'd smell if you
were kept in a box for ten years.

c*ck CROWS, THEY CHUCKLE

Egg wine tonight? SAM LAUGHS

I was thinking
more for breakfast.

Can we go to Tajares today?

Just for old times'
sake. Really?

Yeah. I just... I wanna go to
some of our old haunts. Why?

Because I'm a
sentimentalist. Humour me.

You're not.

But OK.

MUSIC: 'Porque Te
Vas' by Jeanette

♪ Hoy en mi ventana
brilla el sol

♪ Y el corazon

♪ Se pone triste
Contemplando la Ciudad

♪ Porque te vas. ♪

CLATTERING, LIVELY CHATTER

IN SPANISH:

My husband likes
to order for me.

Is it old and tired,
or is it just me?

Oh, I think you look gorgeous.

Everywhere looks exciting
when you're young.

You remember that barman Xavi?

He was young and exciting,
or at least you thought so.

He was a d*ck.

There's been no significant
other while I've been away?

No-one of note.

Are you not gonna ask me?
What it was like in prison?

How one gets on in the
old sex department?

Oh, I'm sure you're
gonna tell me.

Well, there was this one
young woman called Leona

and a guard who was delightful.

Put it this way,
I passed the time.

Been thinking a lot about
the past, though. Yeah.

We should have stayed
out of trouble.

We were never far from trouble,
not working for Miss Take.

She had us running some
right scams, didn't she?

I mean, we were
f*cking teenagers,

and she had us
pickpocketing old men.

Yeah, and the rest.

Good training ground, though.

If we hadn't worked for her,

we'd not have gone on to
bigger, better things.

We wouldn't have ended up... I
wouldn't have ended up in prison?

Did it really just stop
when I was locked up?

Yeah, of course.

Why "of course"? Because...

...I don't do crimes on my own.

WHISPERS: Because you need
me? I didn't say that.

Well, I need you.

I'm here, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

I also need the loo.

SCOFFS

Oh, hello, Heather.

SAM CLEARS THROAT

I ordered for you.

I thought you might want
something to eat. Hmm.

What? Nothing.

Something.

I wanna do one last job
with you before I die.

Sam, I wanna go out with a bang.

No. Not happening!

Sam... Absolutely not.

Look, if you're so
desperate to do one,

call one of your other mates.

Hey.

Oh?

SPANISH MUSIC LEAKS
FROM HEADPHONES

Abracadabra, baby. HE WHEEZES

Ooh!

I love you.

I'll get the gas.
Want anything else?

No. I'm fine, thanks.

BERT WHISTLES Drive!

What?

sh*t, sh*t! I said, drive!

BERT LAUGHS

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

BERT CHUCKLES sh*t.

My f*cking God, what is wrong
with you? What did you do?!

I just politely informed them

that we needed the money in
the till more than they did.

With a f*cking g*n!

There's CCTV. They'll
have the plates!

Wasn't working, I
checked. I'm not stupid.

Oh, my God! A g*n,
Bert! A f*cking g*n!

Where did you even get it?

I smuggled it out of prison.

What the f*ck!

I want no part in this.

I've kept my nose
clean for ten years.

And then last night at the
bullring, and now this.

You've only been out two minutes.
Do not bring your sh*t to my door!

Oh, shut up, you love
it. I really don't.

Why don't you get yourself
something nice, sweet cheeks?

You're such a twat. BERT LAUGHS

Whoo!

God, I think it's hidden.

Why are you so stressed?

Cos you can't keep your
d*ck in your pants.

Get rid of the g*n!

MIMICKING: "Get rid of the g*n!"

Sam, but we're such a good team.

You were always so
good under pressure.

Why would you do that?
Well, because I can.

You can't go through life
doing things cos you can.

It's a bit late for a lecture.

How much did you take?

Couple of hundred.
Here, take it.

Where are you going?

To clean up your
mess... on my own.

Just trying to inject a bit of
fun into your drab little life.

MUSIC: 'Quando M'en
Vo' from La Boheme

NITA: Bilal... eat up.

You don't know what you'll
be getting fed over there.

Don't fuss, Mum.
I'll be all right.

I just want you to be careful.

I'm getting picked up at the
airport, driven to a villa,

and all I have to
do is paint, Mum.

That's it.

HE CHUCKLES

MUSIC STOPS

IN SPANISH:

SCOFFS

UNDER BREATH: Little twat.

BABY CRIES FAINTLY

WOMAN INSIDE: Viros?
VIROS: Ya estoy!

You can't come here, I told you.

I don't have anyone
else who understands.

You're the only one that
knows what went down.

Then you'll need to
figure it out on your own,

or it will be dangerous for you.

How is she? Oh...

Sam, we've discussed this.

You just need to
hold your nerve, OK?

Do what you said you'd do for
her and just be her friend.

Well, it's easier said than done
when she's living under my roof.

She's pushing me. I feel
like I'm gonna crack.

Viros, quien es?

I'm sorry, Sam. You can't
contact me, OK? I have to go now.

Todo bien. Era un vendedor.

DOOR SHUTS

Aw, you kept my Jeep!

You lied to me. Why?

What is wrong with you?
You're very paranoid today.

I know you didn't hold up
the garage. No, I didn't.

So why did you pretend to?

Just to show you that you
still love that feeling

and to see, if push came to
shove, if you still had my back.

Isn't this enough?

Coming to get you,
bringing you here,

promising to take care of you?

Yes, of course.
For dying purposes.

Where did you get the money?

It's what I came out of prison
with. I worked at the hairdresser's.

I could blow you
off, if you like.

BERT CHUCKLES Sam! Is it
not a little bit funny?

No, not at all.

I just wanna get you to a place

where you might be
open to saying yes.

Oh, that immediately
makes me wanna say no.

I'm just trying to remind
you of who we are together.

What? You threw a tomato
at me, that's what!

OK, so I don't just want to
do a job. There is a job.

Oh, of course
there is. It's big.

Are you listening
to me? I said no.

This is different. It's one
and done. It is f*ck-off money.

Oi!

What do you need the
money for? You're dying.

Oh, kick a girl when she's down!

What's in it for you?

Legacy. SAM SCOFFS

I wanna make my mark before I
shuffle off this mortal coil.

SAM LAUGHS

OK, it's not...
just about legacy.

It's a... It's a bit...

OK, a lot about payback.

Oh, that's more like
it. Payback to who?

My old cell-mate, Isabella.
What did she do that was so bad?

She underestimated me, treated
me like a little b*tch.

It was her job.

But I got her contacts
out of her, stupid f*ck.

Just please, Sam, say yes.

Say yes to what, exactly?

Well, let's just say you'll
be clearing seven figures.

Well, if it's so much money
and you're double-crossing her,

what's to stop this Isabella
from coming after you?

Well, another ten years
in prison, for a start.

Look, I know I can do this job.

I just... I just need a partner.

Sam, I don't just need
any partner. I need you.

Please. If this is the last
thing you do for me, and...

it probably will be...

I need this.

Sam, please. Just do it for me.

And then, afterwards,
I will go away.

I'll die quietly.
I've found a hospice.

You don't even have to hear
from me again. Oh, Jesus Christ!

SAM SIGHS HEAVILY

You've been going through
my stuff? Put that back.

If your daughter rocks
up, which I know you want,

what are you gonna offer her?

Half a dozen eggs or
to be set for life?

Can you imagine never having
to worry about money again?

How amazing would that be?
What a legacy for you to leave.

Do not bring her into this.

I f*cking knew it.

The f*cking matador costume.

The police'll be looking for it.

f*ck!

Everything you touch!

JACKIE: Just breathe.
CRAIG EXHALES

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two...

Just... Look, just tell me
something, anything. Just...

Just take my mind off it.

Bert wrote to me.

She's out. Bert?

God, not her.

Don't get involved with her,
babe. She is not worth it.

Hey. Do you hear me?

Yeah.

FEEDBACK WHINES

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's why you're all here.

Tonight, he's not at
Caesars Palace, Las Vegas,

because he's here with you all.

It's The Great Diavolo.

And introducing his beautiful
new assistant, Komet!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC: 'Buffalo
Stance' by Neneh Cherry

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to introduce the high hat.

Go on... CHICKEN SQUAWKS

Jesus. Mm, that's good!

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Now the tambourine!
Where did you come from?

Right now!

Whoo, DJ!

AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, some
chickens have just got it.

And you got it, baby.

RAPS: Hangin' off the
kerb Lookin' all disturbed

As the boys from home
They all came runnin'

They were makin'
noise Manhandling toys

That's the girls on the
block With the nasty curls

Wearing padded bras Suckin'
beers through straws

Dropping down their drawers
Where did you get yours?

Woohoo!

♪ Huh, sucker? Gigolo

♪ Gigolo Huh, sucker?

♪ Who's lookin' good today?

♪ Who's lookin' good in every way?
SINGING ALONG: ..in every way?

♪ No style rookie

♪ You better watch
Don't mess with me

♪ No money man can win my love

♪ It's sweetness
That I'm thinkin' of

♪ We always hang
In a buffalo stance

♪ We do the dive
Every time we dance

♪ I'll give you love,
baby Not romance

♪ I'll make a move
Nothing left to chance

♪ So don't you get
fresh with me. ♪

Oye!

IN SPANISH:

Ugh!

WOMAN EXCLAIMS

HIGH-PITCHED RINGING

HEAVY BREATHING

SCREAMS

SIGHS, DOOR SLAMS

Jesus! BERT CHUCKLES

SIGHING: f*cking hell.

What's the job? Tell
me. You gonna do it?

As long as I call the shots.

No, it's my gig, my
knowledge, my contacts.

No deal, then.

Sorry, I'm not just gonna
do what you tell me to do.

Why not? Because it
doesn't work for me.

I need to be in charge.
One job - that's it.

And I'm gonna orchestrate it so
that if anything goes wrong -

and I mean anything -

it'll look like
you did it, not me.

Oh, come on, now. How's
that a good deal for me?

Because you know
you can trust me.

Is that so?

Your feet need to be to the fire,
and I need to keep them there.

What happened?

You happened.

So go on, then. What's the job?

BERT LAUGHS

Art theft. SAM LAUGHS

What are we gonna do?
Steal the Mona Lisa?!

Don't be ridiculous.

We are gonna steal The Face
Of The Great Masturbator

by Salvador Dali.

RADIO CHATTER

So it's ten million
euros for us,

and all we have to do is break
into the largest gallery in Spain.

Correct, but first we
have to gather the team.

We need the talent...

a little bit of magic...

...and a touch of panache.

Who is this buyer? She's
a feminist art collector.

Ten million's a lot of money.
Stealing a painting's a lot of work.

SAM GROANS Can you
sort my wimple?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask!

DOOR CREAKS, MAN GRUNTS