01x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Good evening,

and welcome to How to Stay Married

with me, James Vereker.

And over here, the woman lucky enough

to call herself my better half,

my wife, Lizzie.

Thank you, darling. Hello.

Now, a wise man once said, "Marriage

isn't a b*ttlefield, it's a partnership,

and married people

should be comrades, not rivals."

Though that's

sometimes easier said than done.

How do you stay connected after

20 years of children, careers, everything?

How do you keep each other

interested over dinner

or in the bedroom when

the honeymoon period comes to an end?

We'll be chatting to a range of celebrity

and ordinary couples to ask,

"How do they make it work for them?"

And we'll find out if the grass really

is greener on the other side of the fence.

We'll be quizzing the experts

on how to keep a marriage fresh

without seeking excitement elsewhere.

We'll discuss how to deal with

the pain if one of you breaks the rules.

And how to

keep your feet on the ground

when you're thinking about walking away.

This is Cameron Cook.

Leave a message.

Gosh, it's a lot to get through, isn't it?

Well, we did say, "Till death do us part".

- Mmm. So, stay tuned.

- And stay married.

Hmm.

Good afternoon.

This is Rupert Campbell-Black,

MP for Chalford and Bisley,

reminding you to vote Conservative.

Keep the Cotswolds blue.

Hi!

You know that's a cheese?

Cotswold Blue.

Don't let Labour take our cheese.

Good to see you.

Thanks.

- I trust I can rely on your vote. Lovely.

- Yes. Happily.

Thank you so much.

Lovely to see you again, Mr Waddingham.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thanks for coming

- Can you hold this?

- Oh, yeah.

Aw, thanks.

- No idea about the--

- What are you talking about?

I've got lots of signatures.

You should think about

doing this professionally.

Very funny.

What is--

Oh, yeah. Let me. There's a knack to it.

- Do you mind?

- No.

Patrick O'Hara.

I finished university.

I'm a real grown-up now.

I don't have time for declarations.

You're a lovely boy,

- but I'm--

- You're what?

Busy being a mistress of a w*nk*r?

Can I kiss you?

Jesus, Patrick. I-- You have no idea.

You look f*cking incredible, by the way.

You know, I think the vicar

was quite taken with you.

They've invited for tea at the rectory.

Well,

I'll do anything for the cause.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, you're quite the campaigner.

Oh, Seb's here.

Yeah, he's taking me to the cinema.

You're going out with him?

I like him.

He's decent.

Well, is that the best

you can hope for, "decent"?

Well, maybe I'm fed up

with sitting around,

waiting for my life to happen

making sandwiches for everybody else.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

Taggie.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, next item.

As you know, we're finally putting

something punchy in Declan's old slot,

Sarah's show.

Still working on the format.

Newest idea is we bring in

a co-host to mix things up a bit.

- Finally. Thank you.

- A co-host?

More like a magazine, but spicier.

Network loves the idea.

It's not your fault, Sarah.

Prime-time slot.

It's a big thing for

you to carry by yourself

- at this st--

- Who is it?

We're working on the details.

Obviously, it won't be James.

- What?

- You're Cotswold Round-Up.

Can't dilute the brand, can we?

- Okay, next.

- Oh, but if--

Great Gardens.

We need a new location

now that we're pulling Green Lawns.

Do we need to pull it?

Freddie Jones is actively campaigning

to bring down Corinium.

Why would we put his house

on our gardening show?

Well, it might be a show of strength

if we go ahead anyway.

And means that we gain access

to the property.

See if we can't pump Mrs Jones for info.

Yes. Good. Let's go ahead.

Now then.

Am I a man of my word?

Cameron?

You are a man of many words.

Am I a man of my word?

Yes, of course.

I think we'd all agree, Tony.

Would you?

See, that's curious,

because I quite clearly remember

telling you not to speak

to any of those Venturer traitors.

Do you remember what I said, Ginger,

would be the consequence?

Instant dismissal, Tony.

In which case, Mr Burrows

am I to take it you no longer require

Corinium's services as an employer?

Um

sorry?

You were observed attending

a screening of Absolute Beginners

at the Cotchester Regal

with Taggie O'Hara.

You were spying on me?

It's franchise season, Sebastian.

I'm spying on everyone.

It's self-preservation.

And it turns out, entirely necessary,

given that you are

a double-crossing little shitbag.

So now, I'm gonna make an

extremely f*cking public example of you.

I'm not only gonna make sure you

never work in commercial television again,

I'm gonna make sure there's no job

for you on any channel anywhere.

I'm gonna make sure you can't get

a job selling televisions at Rumbelows.

Escort Mr Burrows to his car,

would you, Ginger?

- Don't let him clear his desk.

- But I have--

Be very f*cking glad you're leaving here

with all ten fingernails.

All right then. Off you all f*ck.

And thank you for your loyalty.

It has been noted.

Quick chat, Cameron.

I brought this little guy, as requested.

You can have it back

soon as Lady Gosling's had a good look.

Where were you Friday night?

- Home.

- I rang. You didn't answer.

I unplugged my phone.

Wanted to make sure I got a good

night's rest, prepping for Great Gardens.

You're not wearing your ring.

Close to my heart.

I didn't want people asking questions or--

Patrick O'Hara was at your house.

And I told him where to get off.

I know. Thank you.

You know you don't

have to spy on me, Tony.

Ready to go for a spin?

You've done a spectacular job.

The cameras are gonna love it.

We only feature the very best gardens

on the programme.

- Oh, wow.

- Monica's at the Falconry, of course.

- Mm-hmm.

- And the Duchess's at Badminton.

And Mon-Mon, she doesn't mind?

With all of the unpleasantness

I haven't spoken to her in weeks.

Mmm.

Monica feels-- And I agree--

You're so special.

And showcasing this lovely garden,

that's far more important

than petty personal feuds.

Oh, I just wish we could all go back

to how it was before,

- when we were all friends.

- Mmm.

Do you, um-- Do you have to

host meetings here?

Oh, yes.

They hole up in Fred-Fred's office

and I d-- I just leave them to it.

You know, the hardest thing is

remembering who's siding with who.

I'm so glad you said that.

I can't remember from one day to the next.

- I'm sure we've got a couple of moles.

- Yes. Yes.

Freddie is worried about moles.

- Really?

- Mmm.

He's been putting castor oil everywhere.

I'm terrified I'm gonna

wake up in the morning

and find molehills all over the lawn.

Think about it, yeah?

- Mmm? Mmm.

- All right, I'll think about it

Oh. Oh,

you have to come down more often.

Drive safe.

What was Malhar doing here?

He came to see me, darling.

I do have friends.

So, what, he came for a cup of tea?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

We had a drink.

Is there something you want to ask me?

Hmm? Do you know where your daddy is?

'Cause I don't see you hounding him.

But Daddy would never.

Oh.

I am sick of your disapproval.

You have no idea what I've done

for this family over the years.

Well, I don't know why you bother

if you resent it so much.

- I mean, you don't even like me.

- I love you. You're my daughter.

Oh, c-- When you look at me, all you

see are the things you've done wrong.

That's bloody unfair.

I nearly died giving birth to you.

Twenty years ago.

Malhar offered me a part.

- A part?

- Yes, a part in a play.

Like I used to do parts in plays,

but I don't anymore

because I'm stuck down here.

It's a play in London.

Well, what'd you say?

No. Of course I did.

Sorry.

I guess, yeah--

I guess it's nice to be asked.

No, it's not, Taggie.

You get so used to putting other people's

needs first that it becomes second nature.

And then one day,

you look at yourself and you think,

"Why in f*ck's name did I do that?"

But by then, it's too late to change.

Darling!

- I'm so glad to see you.

- Just supporting my husband.

Not that he needs it.

What brings you to Valerie's opening?

- Sticker bombing.

- Mmm.

I managed to get one on Valerie's bottom.

Oh.

- Closest to her opening I ever wanna get.

- Oh.

We probably shouldn't be talking,

since we're with rival consortiums.

- Consortia? Don't know.

- Consortia?

- Consortiums?

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Anyway, it doesn't matter.

We're all adults.

I'm not giving you up for

the sake of any stupid franchise.

You're the closest thing

I have to a conscience.

- Hello, Valerie.

- Hello, darling.

- This is horrendous, isn't it?

- Absolute hell.

- Lemonade, Mrs Vereker?

- Thank you, Sharon.

Oh, lovely hat.

I'm fine.

No, just hang on one second.

If one of you can do it for me, darling.

Thank you so much.

Stop it.

No. Stop it. You all--

James is having an affair

with Sarah Stratton.

Oh, darling.

I shouldn't have told you that.

You'll leak it to the Scorpion

to discredit Corinium.

Why don't you leave him? He's a w*nk*r.

I--

I booked a hotel room

to have an affair with Freddie.

Then I-- Then I bottled out.

Hated myself.

Everyone does it.

Really, everyone?

- Yeah.

- What?

All-All these people?

Her, over there in the hat.

Oh, is she f*cking that man next to her?

Is that why she's not looking at him?

Him and her? Hmm,

handjobs in the potting shed.

I mean it, Rupert.

Am I-- Am I really

the only person holding out?

Does that make me a bit simple?

Should I be able to hold

more than one man in my head at once?

Oh.

Can't we make it

a show about fidelity, for God's sake?

Yes, you're an embarrassment

to Corinium Television.

Blimey.

- Oh, my God.

- Bit of a circus, innit?

Ugh.

Send in the clowns.

Speaking of which,

they're about to film your spouses.

Think I'll, um

go and watch.

You didn't come.

I tried, I--

I couldn't get out of the car.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

No, it's probably for the best.

You were probably right when you

said no the first time.

S-- Seconds away, James.

Quiet, please!

And action, James.

One only has to look

at your borders, Mrs Jones,

to appreciate what an

extraordinary gardener you are.

Tell me, what's your secret?

How do you grow such whopping glads?

Oh. Well, James,

I feed them with growmore

- and obviously I stake them very tall

- Deirdre, ah-- Deirdre,

- can we quieten down the masses, please?

- so they're not flopping over

- Can we have some quiet, please?

- Thank you, Cameron.

Quiet!

- Right. Deirdre, are we ready?

- Hmm.

Excellent.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- Cut!

I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

It's like working in a zoo.

- Why's there a dog off a lead?

- Beaver.

Can we find out

why there's a dog off the lead?

- Okay, shall we try this again?

- I'm so sorry.

- Are we ready? Are we ready?

- I'm ready.

Action.

One only has to take a look

at your borders, Mrs Jones, to realise

I'm here to pick you up.

- I have my car.

- Well, Ginger will drive it home for you.

Okay, I don't understand.

I'm taking you out.

It's the Venturer franchise application.

Okay, but how did you get it?

Ginger did

a little light espionage at Green Lawns.

Well, can I read it? What's-What's in it?

Enough for us to get our teeth into.

We'll pick over it tomorrow.

Tonight is about you and me.

Listen

- I know I don't say it enough, but--

- Tony, people can see us.

Dance with me.

Nobody's dancing.

I don't care. Come and dance.

I meant what I said about the ring.

Once we win this,

we'll do this whenever we want.

Come on, Tag. A, B, C or D?

- None of them.

- No, you have to pick one.

Come on. Otherwise, how do we know

which Four Men Went To Mow character

you're going to marry?

- Tag, have you seen this?

- What?

Show me.

"Rupert in clinch with cook".

Oh, my God. You're in the Scorpion.

You're the cook.

Yeah, it's Cameron Cook.

They must mean Cameron.

- Cameron?

- No, it's definitely you.

Seb's going to be devastated.

- Losing his job and now this?

- What about Cameron?

It's Rupert and Cameron. Didn't you know?

Wow, she really picks 'em,

doesn't she?

Oh, God, please.

It'll ruin everything

for Daddy if it comes out.

I-I shouldn't have told you.

Please, Patrick. Leave it alone.

Tomorrow,

at the public meeting

we all need to be able

to answer whatever questions come up.

Seb's been doing some

briefing notes for everyone

now that he has more time on his hands,

but we need to know this

back to front like Cameron does.

Where is Cameron?

With the Dark Lord, I suppose. I rang her

this morning, but she didn't answer.

Gerald, you got a spare copy?

- I couldn't find mine this morning.

- Uh, yes.

Rupert does that a lot.

Why does this have to be at Corinium?

Shouldn't a public meeting

be on neutral grounds?

Oh, it's deliberately stacked

in favour of the incumbent.

It's simpler for everyone

if they get to keep the franchise,

so the IBA make it easy to defend

and difficult to challenge.

Look we have to prove

we've got the money

and experience to take over the building,

'cause plenty of franchise applications

fall at this hurdle.

- So, you know

- They got your best side.

- It's not what you think.

- What is it?

Oh, wonderful.

You think this is funny?

Oh, come on. It's just tabloid nonsense,

tonight's chip paper.

You promised me you wouldn't touch her.

- I didn't touch her.

- What the f*ck is that?

The seat belt wasn't working.

You made him promise not to touch me?

What-- I'm 20 years old.

Oh, so something did happen then, did it?

She's seeing Seb, isn't she?

Seb, it's

- nothing.

- No, it's okay.

- She's her own person.

- There, you see? She's her own person.

- Get out of my house.

- Daddy, for God's sake. Stop.

- Here we go.

- Seriously, this is too far--

You couldn't be serious

if your life depended on it.

- The f*ck do you have riding on this?

- I put my house up.

I bought the bluebell wood

so you could clear your debts.

You've had all my money,

what more do you want?

Look--

Shall we get back to work

and stop talking about

who gets to touch up Taggie?

Oh!

Hey.

- Stop.

- Come here. Come on.

- Whoa.

- You prick!

- Prick!

- What is wrong with you?

- I need you to sit down now.

- Come on, chaps. That is enough.

God. f*ck is your face made of?

Jesus Christ.

- You all right?

- f*ck.

What happened?

You shouldn't be here. It's not safe.

I was gonna call, but I got scared

in case Tony bugged the phone.

That's paranoid, darling.

No, not anymore it's not.

Tony has seen the application.

He knows all of our plans.

What how?

Freddie

You got your copy?

You should probably

get someone to fix that.

I'm for bed, darling.

- Oh, is that Green Lawns?

- Mmm. It's the Great Gardens tape.

- Come and watch with me.

- And here I am surrounded by

- Laugh at Valerie's gruesome borders.

- large variety of yellows,

- greens, blues, lilacs, oranges, indigos.

- Yes, all right.

All the colours of the rainbow.

And who's this little collection

of colourful characters we have here?

- He's a little rambler.

- See? She's got gnomes.

I think he's a little camera-shy,

don't you?

And what's the inspiration

behind this piece of landscaping here?

Well, James, uh

What does she

feed those enormous gladioli?

Same thing she feeds her children.

Tony.

And reflect it it does.

Almost blinding.

Oh, look. Poor James is the same colour

as the marigolds.

And she looks like

she's dressed for Ascot.

- extraordinary garden you

- Lady Valerie of Vulgaria.

- Hmm.

- what's your secret?

- How do you grow such whopping glads?

- Well, James,

I feed them with growmore, and obviously

I stake them very high so they're--

- Cut!

- Ooh!

Whoops-a-daisy.

Oh, it's Rupert.

- Oh.

- Beaver!

Can we find out

why there's a dog off the lead?

- What's happening? We're rolling?

- It's going.

Hang on for one moment. Wait.

Shall we try that again?

Beaver seems besotted with Miss Cook,

doesn't he?

It's rather like he knows her.

The day of reckoning arrives.

Could we say the application

was just sitting on Freddie Jones's desk?

Makes him sound appallingly careless.

I'm not sure we want to admit

to trespassing and theft, do we?

That's a fair point.

The best way to take advantage

of this little windfall

is to pull apart every idea they've got.

Pour scorn on every word

they say this afternoon.

We've got it all worked out, right, Tony?

Absolutely.

No question. It's ours.

Never pays to think something's

definitively yours, in my experience.

Let's not rest on our laurels just yet.

Emotions are riding high

in Rutshire in the battle for control

of the central south-west

television region.

The franchise holder,

Corinium, will go head-to-head

at a public meeting

with new consortium Venturer

led by TV presenter Declan O'Hara

MP and former Olympian showjumper,

Rupert Campbell-Black,

and tech wizard Freddie Jones.

They've got the charm,

but can they convince the IBA

that they've got the chops

to catch the crown?

Why the cameras? Are we on television?

Oh, it's for the evening news.

Don't stare at them.

It'll look like a game show.

Oh, look, there's-- there's Charles.

Hello, Charles.

Henry, try and remember

who's on whose side, will you?

Somebody get all this down

before this door opens.

- Yeah, but if you need help, just ask.

- I'm better on the subject.

- You can get on that, Rupert.

- Yeah.

Yes, good idea. Yes.

We never come to Corinium.

I don't understand.

Listen, it's Daddy's big day,

and we're here to support him.

Hey!

- I'll just go and find a seat.

- Oh, no, no. You're up here with us.

Ragtag sort of bunch, aren't they?

Spend half the time

fighting each other, apparently.

Embarrassing.

Yes.

Well, we can talk over there--

Goodness. All human life is here.

Mostly pond life over that side.

What the hell is Beattie Johnson

doing here?

Hello, darling.

Is everything okay?

Love you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the meeting is about to begin.

This consultation aims simply

to determine if the new company, Venturer,

has the capacity to be a contender

for the south-west central franchise.

We will inform Venturer by telephone

later in the evening

if they may submit

a formal franchise application.

And however, in the meantime,

this is an opportunity for you,

the public,

to give both sides a good grilling.

So, are there any questions

from the floor?

Yes, lady at the back over there.

Uh, with the very tight perm.

Can I please ask both teams when you're

gonna start showing bingo on the telly?

Well, we're absolutely

committed to bringing

as many different sports

to the viewing public.

So, if there's an appetite for bingo, absolutely.

Ah, yes, I was-- I was rather wondering

if James might sign my blouse.

Oh.

Yes, my company's been developing

satellite television for a while now.

Dishy Daniel won't be leaving

Four Men Went To Mow this next series.

At Venturer, we've got plans to show polo.

I'm sorry

that the Chipping Sodbury WI feel

we've disproportionately

covered news from Cotchester.

So, Venturer are gonna harvest

this technology for domestic use.

That's something that we've got

and Corinium haven't.

Oh, and yes,

I would be delighted to sign your blouse.

We'll ensure he removes his shirt

at least once an episode.

Yeah, we'll keep it on the network

if it's popular.

Well, um, I'll respond to that if I may.

The underdog team over there might expect

to retain

all of your favourite programmes,

but I'm afraid they belong to Corinium.

Cotswold Round-Up, ladies and gentlemen.

Imagine a world without that sofa, James.

No Master Dog.

No Dorothy Dove.

And, ladies and gentlemen, what that means

is no more Four Men Went To Mow.

Sorry, lads.

What a dreary prospect.

And what about the future?

Our newest output brings us to

a whole new frontier of entertainment.

Most imminently, we are replacing

our tired old talk show Declan

with a brand-new format

and a new presenter.

Joining Sarah Stratton

in her first-ever television job,

celebrity gossip columnist,

Beattie Johnson.

Heading up Uncensored,

the naughtiest, most gossipy show

on the independent network.

Because that's what we do at Corinium.

We serve you the television you want.

Your station.

Now and always.

Because who wants to feel

like their television station

is some rich man's second hobby?

Honestly, what does Rupert Campbell-Black

know about broadcasting?

I know people.

I know this area from

representing you all in Parliament.

I've knocked on a damn sight more doors

than Tony Baddingham has.

And look at the audience that have

come today to support Venturer.

We've got Cotchester Council

gardening team.

- The Chipping Sodbury WI.

- Hello!

Bisley Ballroom Dancers.

The headmaster from Rugborough

and the lads

from Cotchester Rugby Football Club!

Venturer! Venturer! Venturer!

They know a good team when they see one.

This lot, a team? A team?

Ask Rupert where he got that bruise.

- They're a bunch of amateurs!

- Yeah.

Brawling and boozing

and bedding other people's wives.

The drama should be on the screen.

Not off it.

No, you're right.

They do deserve better.

You deserve better.

You all deserve better

than the shite Tony Baddingham

has been pumping into your living rooms

for all these years.

You deserve better than endless quiz shows

that cost nothing to make

and nourish nobody's soul.

Yes, they have a good drama, but one?

One good drama?

We will make dozens.

There will be Venturer shows

all over the network,

so you can be proud of the work

that comes out of the central south-west.

We're not in this to make money.

We are in this to make joy.

Because what is television for?

I don't think Tony Baddingham's

asked himself that in a very long time.

Christ, it shows.

You know what I think it's for?

Community.

People used to sit around the fire

for their stories.

Now we sit around the television.

We point our chairs at the corner

of the room,

and that is where we commune.

Television has the power

to bring us together.

To help us forgive each other.

When we've had a stupid fight.

To give us a window into others' lives.

To bring new ideas into our homes.

It is, I believe,

the greatest art form man has created.

I got into this business many years ago

in the pursuit of truth and integrity.

And I still believe in both.

And you deserve better.

And we will move mountains

to give you better

if you put your faith in us

and give us a chance.

Thank you, Rupert.

Go Venturer!

And now I have to spend months

fighting this. When does it ever stop?

We don't know the verdict yet.

Oh, Christ, d'you see

Gosling's wizened face light up

at Declan's blarney lyricism?

Then we have the smear campaign.

More scandal, more dirt--

Ginger, you wouldn't know dirt

if it shat itself into your face.

Do you have any idea of the size of dirt

you managed to miss this week, hmm?

You are supposed to be

my f*cking eyes and ears.

I'd get better reports

from Helen f*cking Keller!

- Well done, darling.

- Thank you, sweetheart.

I meant what I said.

- Well, I just hope that it worked--

- Excuse me.

You were just brilliant.

Everybody loved you.

- Thank you, darling.

- I'm so proud of you.

- Where'd you get all these people?

- Daddy.

Hello, Agatha.

Bet you didn't expect this lot.

Sorry we were a bit rowdy with you.

This is from all of us.

Hey, Rupert.

I reckon she's a keeper, don't you?

No, mate, she's our top striker.

We did good, right? We did okay?

- You were great--

- Hey.

Hey.

- It's all back to yours, apparently.

- Oh, apparently.

Why didn't you tell me

he was bringing in Beattie?

I didn't know.

I don't know what the hell he's doing.

Something's going on with him.

- He-He knows something, or I--

- It's okay.

We're gonna win this.

And what if we don't?

I'll look after you

whatever happens, okay?

Promise.

Can you come to the Priory?

I'm supposed to be here,

but I'll slip away if I can.

Come on, Sarah.

S-- Lizzie. Lizzie, listen, um,

Sarah's not coming out.

Would you just go in

and see she's all right?

Oh I think

you could go in if it's your wife, Paul.

I can't be seen coming out of the ladies.

I'm a member of parliament.

Look, let's go grab a drink.

The womenfolk can join us later.

Thank you.

Sarah, are you all right?

Um, I must have eaten something.

Nerves?

That woman.

Why's he put me with her?

My big chance,

and then it's her.

Bloody Tony.

Do you know, I spent my life

running around after these men

who just can't be trusted.

And they have all the power.

They just squeeze us out

like toothpaste, not even toothpaste.

They don't need us at all.

Oh, I think they do.

But f*ck 'em, right?

We should stop putting them first.

Do what we want.

Not just the right thing all the time.

I'm not sure I've ever done

the right thing.

I've got to go.

Uh, your husband's looking for you.

Thought I told you to f*ck off.

No, darling, it's me.

I'm here to say come home.

Archie's waiting in the car.

Why'd you have to bring the boy

to see his father being humiliated?

You know, we both know

it's not that you're angry about.

But perhaps this is a test.

It's time for you to decide.

I've been loyal all of these years,

but even my stoicism has a limit.

So do be careful.

Come home tonight,

and let's talk about it.

Because if you don't,

I'll take the children

to my sister's in the morning.

Would be rather a thing to win it though,

wouldn't it?

I love you guys.

Legs on that, eh?

I think I might be in there.

You f*cking idiot.

What if Declan finds out?

Not to mention, he's a friend

and it's wrong.

You've never objected to

a bit of wife-sitting before.

Goodness.

When did you get so morally fibrous?

Dame Enid's on the piano.

She's f*cking amazing.

So, what happens now?

We're just waiting on Lady Gosling to call

to say if we're through to the next round.

- You sure you can't stay?

- Yeah.

I've had a lovely time, but they're tired.

So I'll take them home.

Fingers crossed.

Thank you, darling. Thanks for coming.

I'm really proud of you, Fred-Fred.

Love you.

Stop slouching, Sharon.

You look like a potato.

- Patrick, have you seen your mother?

- Have another drink.

Dad, relax.

- Evening, Mr Fairburn!

- I managed to escape.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Cilla bloody Black.

Do you think you'll get it?

- Lots of hurdles to jump yet.

- Mmm.

But I think we did

a really good job tonight.

So is-- is this a night off, then?

Have you got any idea

how f*cking beautiful you are?

How are you?

Surprisingly well, frankly.

Mother knew me this morning.

First time in months.

Made me feel like life is possible.

And I wanted to say to you

that even if you can't love me,

then I think friends would be rather nice.

Charles, I think I found someone to marry.

Goodness.

Well, she's a-- a nice girl

from a good family,

and she-she likes me in the right way.

Do you like her?

I think we get on rather well.

You know, I really think I could bear

to be married to her.

And especially if it meant everyone

would stop asking me why I'm not married.

It'll give me the respectability

I need for my career, and-and

and then we could be together.

Still in secret.

But safe.

I don't know if I can live without this.

Without you.

I've never done this before.

- What, sex?

- Adultery.

I've written about it a lot.

I've never met anyone

I wanted to do it with before.

It's so nice to feel software

becoming hardware.

I'm going to declare this

an area of outstanding natural beauty.

What's going on?

I'm going to London.

Malhar offered me a part in, uh,

A Doll's House.

I thought you didn't get it.

It's a different part.

It's the maid.

You're playing the maid?

Yeah, Declan. Yeah.

Because as it turns out,

I'm not a star anymore.

As it turns out,

I spent too long following you around.

For wherever you wanted to be.

There for the children so that

you get to do what you want to do.

I want to work.

I need to work.

And you, of all people,

should understand that.

And if you'd been even

remotely available to me recently,

you would have been part of that decision,

but you weren't.

So I made it myself.

No.

We need you here, love.

You actually don't.

Good luck with the franchise bid.

- Mummy.

- Tag, stop her.

She said she's going to London

to do a f*cking play.

I am going to London to do a f*cking play,

and I should never have left it this long.

Goodbye, my sweetheart.

Please don't go.

Maud, please.

You should get that.

Hello?

Yes. Hi, Lady Gosling.

No, no. Of course, no.

I-I appreciate you calling.

Yes!

And later tonight, the battle

for the central south-west

television region is on.

Incumbent company, Corinium,

now being challenged by Venturer,

headed by Corinium's

biggest star, Declan O'Hara,

along with ex-showjumper and

Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell-Black.

Today's meeting was to decide

if Venturer has the capacity

to be a serious contender

for the franchise.

Leaving already?

Shall we pop to my office?

For what?

Never asked me that before.

Across the country,

regional television franchises

are being renewed.

Often the original incumbent

sitting pretty, remaining unchallenged.

How long have you been

sleeping with Rupert Campbell-Black?

What am I having? Just a bit.

Hey.

What's that? Just a bit. Yeah, a bit.

I was spying on him-- on Venturer.

Oh.

So what information

did you f*ck out of him for me?

Turns out I'm not a very good spy.

Oh, don't f*cking goad me.

There is no one in the world

you could sleep with that

He is the worst man in the world.

You knew that.

Oh, you f*cking reek of him!

I'll give you whatever you want.

I'll-- I'll ring my solicitor tomorrow.

I'll start the divorce. I'll do anything.

Just swear you will never

let that man touch you again.

Just let me have this one, please.

Mm-mmm. I'm sorry.

I will sack you so hard!

You can't sack me. I'm resigning.

Your visa's tied to your job, darling!

I'll make sure you're on the first plane

back to America!

Yeah?

I will marry Rupert.

Then I can stay.

Venturer might have won this battle

- Oi, lads, we're on!

- but have they won the w*r?

That's the question on everyone's lips.

They have been successful

putting together an impressive board

comprising the great

and the good of Rutshire.

Yes.

People used to sit around the fire

for their stories.

Now we sit around the television.

That is where we commune.

Television has the power

to bring us together.

f*ck you!

To help us forgive each other.

When we've had a stupid fight.

To give us a window into other's lives.

To bring new ideas into our homes.

Where's Mummy?

It is, I believe,

the greatest art form man has created.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Uh--

Seb's a nice boy.

- You were right.

- Yeah, he's lovely.

- He's a good sort.

- Yeah.

Only, he's not you.

Oh, Tag.

I don't know

why I just said that.

I think I'm tired.

It's the franchise. Cameron.

- I'm trapped. I can't get out of it.

- I'm not asking you to.

But she's not you.

I can't breathe without you.

first-ever television job,

celebrity gossip columnist,

Beattie Johnson!

Heading up Uncensored

the naughtiest, most gossipy show

on the independent network.

Because that's what we do at Corinium.

We serve you the television you want.

Your station.

Now and always.