Zombeavers (2014)

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a hole ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Since I let you ♪

[country music playing]

♪ Yeah, let you walk away... ♪

So four months later,

she's pregnant again, you know?

So we're going back down to the clinic.

She's crying, "Do you love me?"

and all that type of stuff.

I told her I did, but...

You think that means I'm going to Hell?

Nah.

You know, I dated a guy once.

Could I hear all about it?

I mean, there's not a lot to tell.

It was, like, one

of the easiest weeks of my life,

other than the sex.

That was brutal.

You know, it's not the d*ck.

It's the whiskers, man.

It just creeps you out.

Yeah, we just agreed on everything.

"Want to get some beers?"

"Yeah."

"Want to watch the game?"

"Absolutely."

We have beers,

and we watch the game.

I hear a lot of myself in this story.

There's none of you in the story, man.

It was a one-time thing.

Yeah.

My friend told me I can't sh*t

in his house anymore.

- Ah, isn't that the worst?

- Can you believe that?

Yeah, they get all mad 'cause

you blew out their bathroom.

It's a place to sh*t.

That's what the room is built for.

You're supposed to go in there

and take a sh*t,

and then when you do it,

they act like they're surprised,

like you took a dump on their table

or something.

Yeah.

I did take a dump on his table.

Hey, man, you see that deer

up there?

[cellphone beeping]

Yeah, I see it.

I don't think you do.

Okay, I admit that.

I didn't see the deer.

[chuckling]

But I see him now.

Hey, check the back.

Yeah, the back's fine.

I'm gonna check the front.

[Sighs]

He's not gonna make it.

Ah, they carry disease.

All right, here we go.

Up and over.

[thud]

[eerie rock music playing]

[Beavers cooing]

[quiet folk-pop music playing]

♪ Everywhere you go,

you're in a microscope ♪

♪ You're living in the fishbowl ♪

♪ And your mind's under control ♪

[cellphone beeps]

♪ Say a prayer


for the Internet billionaire ♪

♪ The solar flare will burn the hair ♪

♪ Of man and polar bear ♪

- [Pounding on door]

- MAN: Gotta sh*t!

Damn it.

Just a second.

Whoa.

Sorry.

The ladies' room was occupied.

- Do you mind moving...

- Well, well, why don't you...

[chuckles]

I don't mind doing anything

you ask me to do.

[Man speaking indistinctly]

What took you so long?

Um, they were out of toilet paper.

Had to use my hands.

[laughs]

♪ Ever since I was a little kid,

I been looking... ♪

I slit a sheet,

a sheet I slit,

and on this slitted sheet,

I sit.

I slit a sheet,

a sheet I slit,

and on this shitted... Damn it.

You suck.

- I know.

- Hah.

[cellphone beeps]

Hey, beeyotch, what did I say?

Right, no texting. Sorry.

Yeah, that's totally rude, Jenn.

No texting and no boys

for the entire weekend.

Wow, that sounds so awesome.

Shut up, Zoe.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

I mean, I don't want you guys

to have a lame weekend

just 'cause of me.

Well, great.

Let's reinvite the guys.

Isn't that right, Gosling?

[Baby voice]

He says, "Yes, that's right."

That's not real supportive, Zoe.

I mean, if Buck cheated on you,

I wouldn't be making a joke about it

every five minutes.

First of all, like,

Buck would never cheat on me.

And second,

I'm only kidding, Jenn,

so relax.

This weekend is about Y-O-U.

Yeah, we know that's asking you

to give up a lot.

Eh, only about six inches.

- That is so gross.

- Yeah, next subject, please.

Mary, does your cousins' shack

have electricity?

Why? Do you need a place

to plug in your vibrator?

- [Chuckles]

- How dare you?

[Radio clicks]

[Pulsing electronic music plays]

[Groans]

Turn that music off, Mary.

You seriously like this?

You seriously don't?

Don't listen.

Don't listen.

I can't believe I'm friends with people

who have no taste in music.

[reel spinning]

[grunts]

[creature growls, snarls]

Here we are.

This is so beautiful.

Do your cousins, like, throw their trash

in the middle of the lake?

Why would you even ask that?

'Cause there's a big piece of wood

just floating in the middle of it.

That's a raft, you idiot.

It's anchored there

so people can use it.

Come on. Let's go.

We're almost there.

The suspense is k*lling me.

Are we stopping here for more gas?

[groaning] My legs

My butt hurts.

Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.

Very funny.

That's disgusting.

I'm first.

I seriously need a drink.

Okay, go k*ll some squirrels, buddy.

[Gosling barks]

k*ll 'em good.

What do you think?

Are we really gonna swim in that bog?

First off, it's a lake,

and, yes, we're really gonna swim in it.

I haven't swam in a lake in my whole life.

- Have you swam in a pool?

- Yeah.

Well, I think you're gonna find out

it's really not all that different.

Of course it's different.

This is nature.

She's right.

You're gonna wind up with

a lot more bugs in your mouth.

Oh, you guys, that neighbor lady

is coming over, so be nice, Zoe.

Mary? Is that you?

Mrs...G-Gregerson...

- [laughs]

- so nice to see you.

Oh, my goodness,

you have blossomed.

Eh, not really.

Her t*ts are still small.

Thanks, Zoe.

Myrna, these are

my sorority sisters.

This is Jenn and Zoe.

All right.

Well, it's a pleasure.

'Sup, beeyotch?

Are you looking after the house

while your cousins are away?

Uh, no, we're just up here

for the weekend.

Oh, right. Unwinding

in between all the exams.

Well, we were supposed

to have torrid getaway sex,

but Jenn's guy cheated on her, so...

Oh, I see.

She is kidding, Mrs. Gregerson.

I am kidding.

None of us have had sex.

Even

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay, Mary.

My daughter's a total f*cking b*tch,

too, a real wh*re.

Sometimes she brings people home,

I don't even know what sex they are.

And I'm not saying

anything negative about them.

I'm a very, very liberal woman.

But my daughter is a real piece of work

and not that attractive.

Well, if you girls need anything,

you know where to find us.

Listen, I'd love

to have you over for breakfast.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Maybe we'll take you up on that.

No pressure, of course.

- [Both chuckle]

- Okay.

Bye.

Here we are.

Home, sweet home.

Whoo!

Go potty.

[laughs]

Ugh, it smells in here.

It does not smell in here.

It smells like wood.

Where's the bathroom?

Straight down the hall.

Where's the other bathroom?

There's only one bathroom.

I'm just gonna go right here.

You seriously can't wait

two minutes for Jenn?

Shh. It's coming out.

[water running]

- [cellphone beeps]

- Come on.

- [Sighs]

- [knocks on door]

What?

One bathroom. Fun, right?

Be my guest.

Let me guess.

No service.

What?

Oh, Jenn, you are a horrible liar.

Okay, I texted him back.

Why are girls so attracted

to such assholes?

You're not. Tommy's great.

You are not supposed to be talking to Sam.

That is the whole purpose

of this entire trip.

Well, it's not like I have

much of a choice now, is it?

Exactly.

How am I gonna check my messages?

I have not gone more than 24 hours

without Instagram

since, like, there was no Instagram,

and I'm coping.

If Zoe can do it, you can do it.

[Screams]

There's no f*cking service.

You knew about this, didn't you?

You said no boys,

- not no phones.

- I did say, "No phones."

But you didn't say it

would be physically impossible

to use it behind your back.

What is the big deal, you guys?

People went, like, thousands

of years without cellphones.

You can go two days.

Speak for yourself.

What if there's, like,

and emergency or something?

There's, like, a landline.

A what?

You guys, you're not

gonna miss your phones.

I promise you.

Now, can we just get changed?

I don't want to get changed.

I want to send a text.

[Pop music playing]

- [Gosling whimpers]

- No, no, Gosling. Stay here.

Sunglasses, check.

Towels, check.

Sunscreen, check.

Whoo, all right.

- Let's get naked.

- What are you doing?

Someone could see you.

Mary, who? Mrs. Gregerson?

I see, like, two houses here.

If I'm getting anything out of being stuck

in the middle of nowhere,

it's a tan without lines.

♪ Waking up with you

in the morning ♪

Come on in, b*tches.

Well, I guess we can be grateful

she left her bottoms on.

I bet Mrs. Gregerson swims topless.

♪ Gold in your eyes ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

♪ Always gets me by ♪

- Mmm.

- It's so nice out.

[Song fades]

Okay, do mine now.

Ugh! I'm so comfortable.

Can't Mary do it?

You used me.

Stop.

I'll do it.

Mm, this is nice.

♪ All my love ♪

♪ My love... ♪

What is that?

Looks like a beaver dam.

Heh. I want to see a beaver.

They're so adorable.

Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.

I'm pretty sure they're nocturnal.

Where'd you learn that, Wikipedia?

I learned it from living in Indiana,

which means that you

should know it, too.

Well, all I know is they're fat rats

with big, stupid-a*s teeth.

Nice.

Where you going?

Come on. Let's go take a look.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Make it rain, b*tches.

Ow, ow!

Whoo!

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

Gross.

Try banging on it.

That should wake 'em up.

At least cover up, at least

while we're walking around.

My top is on the other side.

You want to lend me yours?

Cut it out.

[giggles]

Eww, is that, like,

green beaver urine?

Guess.

Kind of looks like it.

Maybe that's, like,

how they mark their territory

or something.

By pissing all over their house?

They don't live in the dam, you idiot.

They live in the lodge.

Over there.

- Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

- Yeah, nice try.

That one's covered in piss, too.

Fine, you win.

Beavers piss all over everything.

Are you happy?

I don't see any beavers.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

[Bear sniffing]

- [gasps]

- [roars]

I'm scared.

It's gonna be okay.

Just gonna back up real slowly.

- [g*nsh*t]

- [screams]

- [Bear growling]

- [birds chirping]

Thank you so much.

Well, look at you three little h*ifers.

I think you just

might have saved our lives.

[spits] That's doubtful.

Bears don't usually attack more

than one or two folks at a time.

You'd be three.

Course, if you'd have taken

a step in his direction,

he might have hightailed it.

Well, better safe than sorry then.

Yeah.

You girls from out of town?

My name is Mary,

Mary Daughtry.

Uh, we're staying over there

at my cousins' place.

McKellers?

Yeah. You know 'em?

No.

My name's Smyth, with a "Y".

Just in case you girls need

to write me a check one day.

[chuckling]

What brings you across the lake?

We were looking for beavers.

Well, hell, ain't we all?

Well, if you see one,

you ought to stay away from it.

They will mess with you.

You look real close, they'll come out,

peek out just a little, bitty knob

out there,

Little pink knob

like a little old puppy's d*ck.

Well, I guess

we'll be more careful then.

You know...

you might want to cover up.

See, we got decent folk

out in this neighborhood.

Family. You know, kids.

Yeah, we know.

It's just that she lost

her bikini top in the lake.

Talking about all three of you,

your little bare stomachs,

weird-a*s little tattoos.

Okay. He's a creeper.

Yeah, there's probably some

helpless furry little animal

just waiting to get shot.

Eh.

Well, I've had

enough excitement for one day.

At least you got to see a man, right?

"I don't like

them there tattoos and sh*t."

- [soft growling]

- Zoe, he could hear you.

[laughs] I don't care.

[crickets chirping]

All right, I got popcorn.

Thank God.

♪ Sing a little song and... ♪

Is it popcorn, or is it popped corn?

I don't know. Jenn, go long.

Zoe, you're wasting it all.

Okay, whose turn is it?

All right, Jenn.

Would you rather? Go.

Okay, would you rather

never be able to use a tampon

or never be able to use lipstick?

That is so lame, Jenn.

I've got one.

Are you ready?

Would you rather watch your mom

get m*rder*d by your daddy

or get r*ped by your daddy

while your mom had to watch?

Zoe, that's awful.

Would you rather?

Answer it.

[Gosling whimpers]

I guess get r*ped by my dad?

- Ugh.

- Gross.

What, would you rather

have your mom die?

I wouldn't do either.

That's so f*cking disgusting.

You're sick.

What's the point of this game,

anyways?

I don't blame you.

Your dad's real hot.

He is.

[panting]

All right, all right.

Home run me. Home run me.

I'm ready. Hang on. Hang on.

- Ready?

- Hang on.

[laughs]

♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da,

da, da ♪

- You're sorry.

- I did it by the air, b*tch.

[Both laugh]

I'll do it myself.

- Whoo!

- [laughs]

I got it. Truth or dare?

Y'all can make out like you did last time.

That's no fun unless there's

guys around to make jealous.

That's bullshit.

You liked it, and you know it.

Come here. Come give me a kiss.

Stop.

I didn't even say, "Dare."

[air smooching]

[Heavy thud]

What was that?

[Both laugh]

It's your daddy, Jenn.

Yeah, he's come to collect.

Oh, real funny.

[thumping]

No, seriously,

what the f*ck is that?

Well, I'm just gonna

have to go and find out.

Don't open the door.

Hello?

Anybody?

Hey, serial K*llers,

we got three hot babes in here

who haven't had sex

in a really long time.

It could be dangerous out there.

Ooh.

Zoe, I'm serious.

[can clatters]

You know what, Mary?

You're a real buzzkill.

Don't go out there.

Why are there no streetlights?

'Cause there are no streets.

Hate the country.

Zoe.

- [Heavy thud]

- [screams]

What the hell is that?

Should we call the police

or something?

- [screams]

- Oh, my God!

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It was just the wind.

[Knob rattles]

It's locked.

Mary.

- It's okay. Just...

- [snarls]

- [Both scream]

- [farts]

[laughs]

Tommy, you as*h*le.

Aw, come on.

It's nice to see you, too, baby.

That wasn't funny.

How did you even get up here?

I'm sorry, babe.

Buck talked me into it.

Yeah, I had to drag his a*s

all the way up here,

and the whole time,

he's like, "Wait, no.

"Wait, Mary said

that we're not supposed to come.

"Mary said that it's just girls' night.

Mary wants to just be

with her vag*na all weekend."

Shut up, Buck.

Oh, my God, you guys

should've seen y'all's faces.

It was classic.

You were in on this?

Not if it'll make you any madder.

- [Heavy thud]

- [both scream]

[snickering]

[Sighs]

Would any of you ladies

care to come inside and join me?

'Cause there's no beer out here.

This is my cousins' house, you idiot.

How did you even get in there?

Magic. No.

Bedroom window was open.

Hi, Jenn.

What part of "stay away"

do you guys not understand?

The "stay away" part.

I just don't get it.

You're not invited up here,

despite whatever this one

may have told you.

Hey, hey, come on. Come on.

We parked the car down the road

so you wouldn't hear us.

Besides, we missed you guys.

Mary, I haven't had sex in 36 hours.

You know when your foot's asleep?

My d*ck's asleep.

I gotta wake it up.

ZOE: I have to wake

that d*ck up.

Wake that d*ck up.

- Baby.

- I will.

I don't... I can't even feel it.

- Mary, please.

- Mary, please.

My d*ck's asleep.

Wasn't this weekend for everybody?

Yeah, it was until you f*cked it all up.

No, I'm sorry.

You guys have to leave.

But, Mary, they just

drove all the way out here.

This is my house,

and I make the rules.

It's fine, Mary. They can stay.

Jenn, thank you, Jenn.

Give it up for Jenn, everybody.

Right?

Jenn, do not let them

bully you into this.

No, really.

Maybe it'll force me to,

you know, face it head-on

instead of running away.

You sure?

Oh, my, God damn it, she's sure.

Come on.

We're all adults here.

It doesn't have to be awkward.

Gentlemen, I'll see you

in the bone zone.

- Let's get drunk!

- [squeals]

Whoo!

- Oww!

- Great.

Well, at least

this can't get any more awkward.

[Zoe and Buck panting,

moaning loudly]

BUCK: Oh, f*ck!

[Zoe screaming]

- [panting]

- [moaning]

[Panting and screaming continue]

BUCK: Oh, f*ck.

Oh, I feel like a Power Ranger!

Oh, sh*t, you are sweet!

You are way too hot for me.

Oh, baby, you know it.

Well, this was helpful.

[Moaning continues]

Thanks for stopping by.

Oh, baby...

Don't call me that.

You lost your baby privileges.

But it's not as bad as you think.

You have no idea what I think.

Can we at least talk about it?

Fine, you want to talk about it?

Who is she?

Do I know this little wh*re?

What is that, seaweed?

It's you, you as*h*le.

Friend of a friend

tagged you on Facebook

from Michelle's party last weekend.

Who is she?

Look, I know it looks bad. I do.

I knew...

But I... I was really drunk.

You know what? If you're not

gonna answer my questions,

then we have nothing else

to talk about.

Just come here.

Don't touch me.

You feel better?

Getting there.

Let me go.

I'll scream.

[Moaning, panting continue]

Join the club.

I missed you so much.

[Groans]

Missed you, too.

[Gasps, sighs]

That was worth the drive up

for sure.

Again.

- I'm only one man.

- [giggles]

It takes an hour to recharge.

Do you not read magazines?

[grunts]

[panting]

Can you hand me my glasses?

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know.

You just seem a little...

out of it.

Did you finish?

I guess I'm just worried

about Jenn, that's all.

So that's a no.

[Sighs]

[thump]

Is someone in there?

[thumping]

Buck, I swear to God,

I'm gonna stick that bat up your...

- [snarling]

- [screams]

Oh, my God! You gotta see...

- [sobbing]

- What?

Go get it out of there!

Sit down. Calm down.

There's something in there.

What's wrong?

Tell me what's wrong.

I don't know. I...

Who the f*ck is crying on vacation day?

- What's going on?

- What did you do to her?

No, I didn't do anything.

Listen, there's a... There was

a beaver in the bathroom.

Really great news,

since haven't you

been looking for beaver

since we got here?

No, no, there was something

wrong with it.

It was... It was f*cking rabid

or something.

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should capture it.

We'll raise it as our own.

Jenn, you are a really ugly crier.

Go look in the f*cking bathroom!

Jenn, I tell you what.

This is getting really ridiculous.

Let's go to the f*cking bathroom.

Okay, big daddy Buck's got it.

Here, Jenn. Here, Jenn.

[Gosling whimpering]

Oh, there is no way

I'm drunk enough for this.

You're drunk

as any one of the rest of us,

so f*cking man up.

Yeah, just man up.

- [whimpers]

- All right.

Just be careful.

p*ssy. You're being a p*ssy.

Jesus, dude, really?

f*cking p*ssy.

- Shut up.

- Give me this.

Being a b*tch.

Just being a little b*tch about it.

[water running]

Jenn, there's nothing in here.

I swear it was right there.

Oh, my God, Jenn.

Is this one of those bathrooms?

Oh, look at me.

I'm in a scary,

scary bathroom, Jenn.

Jenn, be honest.

Did you sh*t in here?

- [snarling]

- [all scream]

Oh, my God.

[Both scream]

- k*ll it!

- [snarling]

[screaming]

How the hell is that thing still moving?

[Beaver whines]

That's gnarly.

Someone want to get a garbage bag?

That was rabies?

Yeah, probably.

Then again, I've never even seen

a real beaver before

- up close, so...

- Yeah, me neither.

Well, maybe you should try going down

on me once in a while, Buck.

That was not a normal beaver.

I can tell you that much.

Yeah. Normal beavers have pupils

in their g*dd*mn eyes, don't they?

f*cking chicks. Come on.

The beaver obviously had something.

Wait. I mean, did it bite anyone?

- Jenn, are you...

- No.

Good, 'cause I've heard that

rabies shots hurt like a b*tch.

Yeah, not to mention the nearest hospital

is 30 miles away.

Maybe we should just go home.

- What?

- Yeah, no, Jenn,

we drove four hours to get here.

Okay, my foot's still asleep

from the ride up.

We don't care about your foot, Buck.

You know, we're all just upset

and drunk and...

And horny.

And 6' 3" but that's just me.

- Buck.

- Okay, yes...

- TOMMY: Shut the f*ck up.

- You're right.

I think that we should just sleep on it.

Okay. Well, sleeping with you, then.

Yeah, sure, Jenn.

Whatever you want.

Guys, we could die tomorrow, okay?

This could be our last night.

This may sound crazy,

but we need to have an orgy.

I'm not f*cking around.

A safety orgy,

you know, stay together,

like in the Old West with the caravans.

[snarling]

[whistling a tune]

[creature growls]

[Resumes whistling]

[grunts] Oh, God, here we go.

What, Buck?

Don't let the dog look.

Relax. I'm not going to...

Oh, my God, Mary. Look.

Yuck.

[Tommy yawns]

Maybe some wild animal came and took it.

See the footprint?

[snarls] Come on.

I don't like this.

What? Ah, Jenn, come on.

We're all the way out

in the middle of the woods.

We tossed something on the porch,

and something's glad that we did it.

What are you thinking?

All I know is the thing is dead, guys.

Come on.

- Can we please go swimming now?

- Yeah, I second that. Let's go.

Still want to go in the water

after what happened last night?

Last night was in there, okay?

The water's way safer

than in the cabin.

Yeah, come on. It's a beautiful day,

and the lake's right over here.

We haven't seen you ladies

in your bikinis yet. Come on.

You know, we were doing just fine

before you guys showed up.

Jenn, that's not fair.

Yeah, Tommy did k*ll that beaver for us.

Yeah, sorry Sam didn't k*ll anything,

because that'd be the only beaver

he's getting this weekend.

Can we please stop

with the beaver jokes?

BUCK: Why did the beaver

cross the road?

Whoo!

That a girl.

Come in, misery.

Now get your a*s in the water,

and join the rest of the human beings.

Has it ever occurred to any of you

that there might be more beavers?

[Both jabbering mockingly]

So you seen the mysterious photo?

Of course I've seen it.

I've seen it over 300 times

since Wednesday.

She has me analyzing every line

and every pixel

trying to figure out

who it is you're on top of.

Well, I guess it's safe to say

that she doesn't know that it was you.

Are you gonna tell her?

I don't know.

Well, you know, if you just tell her

it was nothing,

she's gonna believe you.

Maybe, but she'll hate me.

Tell that to my finger.

Are you crazy?

Don't be stupid, Jenn.

Get your a*s in the water right now.

Yeah, come on!

Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn.

Come on.

Fine.

You know, with all the sh*t

that's gone down, we haven't talked.

Like you said, it was nothing.

Besides, I'm with Tommy,

and if you're real lucky,

you'll still be with Jenn.

You happy?

This is the happiest day

of my life, Jenn.

You're in the lake.

I don't know how it happened,

but it did.

- Oh, my God.

- [soft growl]

What?

Something just swam past my foot.

[Soft growl]

You are, like, such a hypochondriac.

No, I swear to God, you guys.

Something just f*cking hit my foot.

[laughs]

Oh, look. Buck feels it, too.

[Both laugh]

TOMMY: Wait.

[gasping]

What, did you swallow some water?

Buck? Holy sh*t!

[screams] Oh, my God!

Get out of the water!

Oh, my God!

[grunts]

What the f*ck?

Is that blood?

- [yells]

- [Mary screams]

Get to the raft!

Get to the f*cking raft!

Hurry!

TOMMY: Grab on!

- [Beaver snarls]

- Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f*ck, he got me, too.

f*ck!

f*ck!

That was another f*cking beaver!

- More than one.

- Beavers don't do this.

They don't just... They don't

just attack people like this.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

[groaning]

We have to tie this off right now.

What about this?

No, no, no. Too small.

Too small.

Wait. The dog's vest.

- [groaning]

- Perfect, perfect.

BUCK: Hurry! Let's go! f*ck!

[groaning]

Look!

[snarls]

Where's Jenn?

Jenn!

- [No dial tone]

- sh*t.

- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

- Stick together.

[all snarling]

They're coming.

- [Screams]

- sh*t.

[whimpering]

Where did they go?

- [snarling]

- [thud]

- [Screams]

- Oh, sh*t!

- Hold on. Hold on.

- [thudding]

- They're underneath us!

- sh*t.

[snarling continues]

sh*t.

- [Snarls]

- [screams]

- [screaming]

- [snarling]

Careful! Be careful!

- [snarling]

- Stay calm.

Hold on! Hold on!

Hold on!

Hold on!

- We cannot stay here.

- Yeah, no sh*t!

- sh*t!

- [screams]

[water splashes]

Hold on. Hold on.

There's too many of 'em!

- [screaming]

- [snarling]

Oh, my God!

We have to swim for it.

TOMMY: We need a diversion.

- [Screams]

- What the f*ck?

All right, you know what?

Sorry, buddy.

- Surfs up!

- [Yelps]

- Gosling! Gosling!

- Zoe! Zoe!

- No!

- Zoe. Zoe!

[sobbing]

- No!

- Come on!

- [whimpers]

- Zoe!

No! [sobbing]

[Gosling yips, whines]

- We have to go.

- We have to go now.

- Go now!

- Go, girls. Go.

- [overlapping chatter]

- All right, let's go !

Damn it, kick! Come on!

Let's go! Swim!

- Swim!

- Come on!

Let's go, damn it!

Kick! Go!

[snarling]

[screaming]

[yelling]

Come on! Here!

[snarling]

- [screaming]

- [snarling]

Oh, my God.

[Soft snarling]

[wheezing]

Just doesn't make any g*dd*mn sense.

This is the same one from the bathroom.

Is he, like, on steroids or something?

Mary, does it look like a baseball player?

I don't know, Zoe.

I mean, how could...

how could it still be alive?

It isn't.

What?

It isn't alive.

Are you saying

what I think you're saying?

All right, enough talk.

[Blade scrapes]

What are you doing?

This.

Oh, Jesus.

Any questions?

[Sighs]

There's still no dial tone.

What, did the beavers do it?

For all we know, the dial tone

wasn't even on to begin with.

You okay?

[Sniffles]

Look, I am sorry about the dog.

About "the" dog?

It's my dog.

You k*lled my dog.

It's between us and a dog,

I'm gonna pick us every time.

If that's what makes me an as*h*le,

then so be it, man.

It does.

as*h*le.

Oh, give me a break. It's a dog.

Oh, f*ck you! I hate you!

- I hate you.

- Stop. Zoe, stop.

- Get off of me, Mary!

- Stop. Stop.

You stop.

You would take his side.

I'm not taking anyone's side!

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to Jenn.

Mary, what is she talking about?

That's right, Jenn.

The girl in the stupid picture with Sam,

it's f*cking Mary.

Thanks, Zoe.

She has a right to know.

Everybody else does, for f*ck's sake.

I didn't know.

Tommy.

Jenn, I was gonna tell you.

Doesn't matter.

We have bigger problems now.

[thumping]

[Roars]

- [thumping continues]

- It's them, isn't it?

Oh, you think?

They're everywhere.

[Roaring]

- Make it stop.

- It has to be some sort

of intimidation tactic

or something.

Well, it's working.

- Oh. my God!

- [tail slapping]

[growling weakly]

- Oh, my God!

- Make it stop!

Son of a b*tch!

- [snarling]

- [thumping]

Is this what you want,

you f*ck?!

[Snarling, thumping stop]

[snarling resumes]

They're just out there waiting for us.

We gotta get Buck to a hospital.

What about the neighbors' place?

Yeah, we could use their phone.

Oh, f*ck that.

- I'll go for the car.

- f*ck that, too!

You stay here with the girls then.

I'll get Buck to a hospital

and send back help.

Give me Buck's foot.

[Groans]

I'm going with you.

No, Zoe, you can't.

I have to.

Eww.

They could be out there.

They are out there,

but like you said,

we don't have a choice.

Buck is clearly not gonna

make it through the night.

There's gotta be some other way.

Look, beavers are great swimmers,

but they're not that fast on land, okay?

- [Scoffs]

- Those things out there,

they're not beavers.

I'm gonna need your car,

'cause ours is down the road a ways.

Give me the keys.

Tommy, you don't have to do this.

Mary, it's okay.

Give me the keys.

Tommy.

Come on.

Come on, babe.

- [Buck grunts]

- Get the door.

I don't see anything. You?

Nah. My eyes are closed.

All right, let's go. Come on.

- Wait.

- [groaning]

[Both grunting]

Pick it up.

Hurry! Hurry!

Get the door!

Hurry, baby. Get in. Hurry!

They're in.

Come on. Come on.

It's a f*cking hybrid.

You have to finesse it.

They made it.

[Sighs]

Maybe we should have

just gone with them.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe we should just leave.

[snarling]

[screaming]

- [thumping]

- Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Jenn...

Will somebody help me?

God, you really are a p*ssy.

Move.

We've got to board up

all of these windows.

I'll do the heavy lifting.

- The girls are safe with me.

- Move it this way.

Did you hear something?

Did I hear what?

Banging, hollering?

Oh, it's just those kids

scissoring each other

to Lady Gaga.

Well, I know it's those kids.

What do you want me to do about it,

call the police?

Well, I heard tires screeching.

You think we ought to go over there

and check up on 'em?

You never did know

when to mind your own business.

And you never did know

when to get up off your a*s.

You really want me

to go over there

and check on a bunch

of college girls?

'Cause, you know, I might just

have to stay for their party.

- [laughing]

- Eww.

Pig.

[Soft snarling]

Buck?

- How you doing there, man?

- Uh...

- You hanging with us?

- Oh, God.

- No.

- It's okay, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey. Stay with us.

Stay with us, Buck.

Everything's gonna be good,

all right?

- [thud]

- Ohh! Chill out.

sh*t.

- What the f*ck?

- f*ck!

Oh, no!

- They did this.

- Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

Suck a bag of dicks!

sh*t.

[Whimpers]

There's no way around this.

[Gasps] Look.

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t. Wait here.

I'm gonna go check it out.

Be careful.

Hello?

There's no one here.

What are you doing?

There's g*ns and one ax.

You gonna steal 'em?

Yeah, whatever. We'll borrow 'em.

I promise I'll bring 'em right back.

Here.

What the hell am I

supposed to do with this?

Just take it, please.

Should we go back to the cabin?

No, just you guys.

What? Wait.

I'm gonna go and get some more g*ns,

load up the trunk.

You get everybody back to the cabin.

Please, get in the car,

and turn it around.

What... What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go ahead on foot

and get some help.

You're insane, Tommy.

Zoe, please just get in the car,

and hurry!

Zoe...

I'm sorry I never ate your p*ssy.

I want... I'm gonna go back

and eat all of it one day.

It's okay, baby.

We're gonna get out of here, okay?

It just smells so bad down there.

- [wood cracking]

- [Tommy screams]

- [tree thuds]

- Tommy?

Tommy!

No!

[sobbing]

[snarling]

No.

[g*nsh*t]

You.

Looks like you're hemmed in a little bit.

Let's take my truck.

We have to save my boyfriend.

Well, come on. Let's get him.

Get out of here.

Come on, baby.

Hurry up! Get in!

[Screams]

Damn beavers.

I thought I told you to cover up.

[snarling outside]

They sound like babies.

Yeah, crazy f*cking babies.

Nails, nails, nails,

nails, nails. Nails.

Towards me.

No duh.

"Come out to the lake.

Have a few laughs."

Damn it.

[snarling]

No.

What? What happened?

You do realize

that the whole point of a beaver

is that it f*cking chomps wood?

Oh, well, if you want me

to cover the whole house

with sheet metal,

just say the word.

This just in.

If you are receiving this broadcast,

barricade your doors

and windows,

and do not leave your home,

unless you want the deal

of a century.

Come on down to Ashwood Toyo...

- [clicks off]

- Damn radio.

Back in the seventies,

beaver fever hit.

Stirred up the whole damn county.

Beaver fever?

Yeah, caused by the Giardia parasite.

Beavers carry it.

Affects people, too.

Affects them how?

Oh, diarrhea mostly.

What does have to do

with what's going on here?

AW of you guys got diarrhea?

No.

Well, that's good.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Whatever these beavers got out here,

I ain't seen nothing like it before.

Yeah, no kidding, mister.

Caught one in a trap

early this morning.

Only, it weren't dead.

And trust me,

it should've been real dead.

[snarling]

[Beaver whining]

They're leaving.

[cooing]

Why?

How the hell should I know?

Wait. Listen.

[truck engine approaching]

It's a truck.

It's Zoe.

What?

And Buck.

How did they get back so fast?

Maybe they brought help.

Or something went wrong.

There's someone else.

Wait. Is it the hunter guy?

What hunter guy?

- Do you see Tommy?

- Grab the cane.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

sh*t, we need to get

the boards off the doors.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Are you kidding?

Get over here, and help us.

I don't know if you know,

but those things

can come back in here,

and then we're all dead.

f*ck me.

Baby, come on. Let's get there.

Open up!

The door's all boarded up.

- Why?

- You know why the f*ck why!

Well, hurry up.

You guys. Hey, you guys.

Hey, you guys,

you better turn around.

[growling]

Filthy, hairy beavers.

Baby, come on.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

[grunting]

Run. Run.

- Hurry.

- Come on.

Come on, baby. Come on.

[Beavers growling]

Sons of b*tches.

[snarls]

It's okay, baby.

- [snarls]

- Come on.

Just a little bit further.

[panting]

They're not gonna make it.

There's too many of 'em.

[snarls]

Baby, let's step up. You got it.

They made it.

Jump up a little, baby.

Tommy's okay, right?

Yeah, I'm sure he's still out

getting help.

Right, 'cause there's

no reason to think otherwise.

ZOE: All right.

Hello?

Maybe they're not home.

Yeah,

that'd be wishful thinking.

[Gasps]

[Groans]

They couldn't be biting

through the phone lines

on purpose, could they?

Can't say for certain.

Beavers like to chew on sh*t,

especially twigs, branches,

blades of grass and such.

I suppose wires

fit the bill as well.

The phone in the cabin...

it didn't work either.

Stay here. I'll check upstairs.

When was the last time

you picked up an actual book?

In class. You should really

try it sometime.

Beavers are herbivores.

Great book.

Why don't you try

looking up zombie beavers?

They live in family groups

or colonies

and will defend their lodge

against other beavers.

Oh, oh, you think

the beavers think that they're...

that we're other beavers?

What the f*ck?

Keen senses of hearing,

smell, and touch.

They live up to 24 years.

Just like us.

I mean

if we don't make it out of here.

They're monogamous.

Not like us.

Jenn, it was just...

it was just one of those things.

So you're saying it was a mistake?

JENN: Don't answer.

- You just did.

- Look,

once the three of us

are far away from this cabin,

we can sit down like adults.

We can try to figure out

why you both find me attractive.

Jenn, you have every reason

to hate me.

Why him?

I don't know.

Listen...

we cannot turn

against each other right now.

That is exactly

what the beavers would want.

[Sighs]

Let me see this.

"Animal behaviorists have found

beavers to be gentle,

reasoning creatures that like

to play practical jokes."

"They are considered to be

excellent at building tunnels."

I seriously need to lie down.

Okay.

All clear upstairs.

Appears the beavers have left

the premises for the time being.

What about the old lady?

Well, she's still in bed...

what's left of her, anyway.

What do you got there?

Sandwich?

No, it's Buck's foot.

We're keeping it on ice

so we could reattach it.

That's what we're supposed to do, right?

Keep it on ice?

Well, not directly on ice.

It kills the tissue.

Well, sh*t!

Well, what should I do?

Should I wrap it in a towel or something?

Well, I suppose that depends

on when it came off.

I don't know. This afternoon,

maybe four or five hours ago.

Technically,

I guess there's a chance

that they could sew

that sucker back on.

We'd have to be at the hospital

within the hour.

That ain't gonna happen.

Might as well

just chuck the damn thing,

call it a day.

I'm sorry.

You want some chicken?

There's plenty of it

in the fridge over there.

I don't want any chicken.

We need to go

to the hospital now.

Well, you know as well as I do

that road's blocked.

We sure as hell

can't get through on foot

in pitch dark...

with or without

carrying the big fella.

Plus, beavers are generally

more active at night,

so I suggest maybe we hole up here

until the morning.

Then one or two of us

could make a go at it.

But he could bleed to death overnight.

Yeah, well...

I could always cauterize the stump.

You sure you don't want some chicken?

I'm not hungry.

[door clicking, creaking]

Jenn?

You never cared

that Sam cheated, did you?

You only cared that it was me.

Jenn, I know that we've been

through a lot,

but this isn't gonna solve anything.

I love you, really, but I...

I just don't think of you this way.

[Nails rustling]

[Jenn grunting]

[Mary screaming]

[Roaring]

[snarling]

[grunts]

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

[fire crackling]

[coughs]

You've done this before, right?

No, ma'am,

but I've seen it on television

many a time.

- [Buck groans]

- It's okay.

[whimpering]

[echoing roar]

All right,

what the f*ck was that?

[snarling]

[grunts]

[Ripping]

[Screams]

Buck!

SMYTH: Son of a b*tch!

Buck,no!

- [groaning]

- [snarling]

[b*llet pings]

[Roars]

f*ck.

[snarling]

[Screams]

No!

[snarls]

Oh, no. No, Buck!

No. Stop it!

- [Snarling]

- [screaming]

[Lock clicks]

- [Panting]

- [Buck snarling]

[thumping]

What is she doing in there?

I don't know.

- [snarling]

- [tail thumping]

It's got to be some kind of virus

transmitted by the beavers.

[laughs] I mean, no sh*t.

Did you hear her?

I mean, did you

f*cking see her face?

Do you think that we can help her?

I mean, do you think it's permanent?

I don't know.

She's gonna be on medication

for the rest of her life.

What are you doing?

Are you bit? Are you scratched?

- No, I'm fine.

- Take off your shirt.

Why?

Just take your f*cking shirt off.

Calm down.

[snarling]

[Both scream]

[crying]

- [snarling]

- [gasps]

You f*cking b*tch.

[g*n clicking]

- [Snarling]

- [both screaming]

[Mary screams]

[snarling]

SAM: All right.

[snarling]

Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

[snarling]

They are f*cking everywhere.

Oh, the truck. The truck.

It was still running

the last time I checked.

I'm not gonna make a run for it.

- [thumping]

- Mary.

- Take off your shirt.

- Why?

Take off your f*cking shirt!

f*cking...

Satisfied?

Take off the rest.

Okay.

There's zombie beavers running around.

What the f*ck? You don't care.

Turn around.

We done?

I guess so.

Your turn.

What's this?

[Both panting]

Mary, I promise I'm gonna

get us out of here.

Don't talk.

[snarling]

I want to take my glasses off.

No, no, it's hot. It's hot.

[Both panting]

Do you smell something?

What?

Smoke. Smoke. I smell smoke.

O-Okay. I'll take care of it.

I'll take care...

[both screaming]

[screaming]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[gasping]

Oh, f*ck me. [gasps]

[snarling]

Get in!

Where's Jenn?

They're all dead. Just go!

We're getting the f*ck out of here.

Oh, sh*t. Zoe!

Get down!

Zoe, look out!

[Screams]

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

[snarling]

Oh.

I think we woke the neighbors.

[snarling]

[Screams]

- Go!

- I'm trying!

Zoe, go! Go!

f*cking go!

- [echoing roar]

- [heavy thump]

[Roars]

I mean, really?

- [engine grinding]

- [snarling]

[Roars]

Is this truck

f*cking covered in honey?

Go now!

Go!

- [Snarling]

- [both scream]

[panting]

[Squishes]

I never liked that b*tch anyway.

[wood cracking]

[Brakes squeak]

- Why are we stopping?

- [turns off engine]

It's okay, Mary.

The trees are down ahead,

and we got to continue on foot.

[truck door clicks, creaks]

Come on.

- [whimpers]

- What?

[snarling weakly]

It's nothing. Just keep going.

We're gonna have

to go behind the car.

We have to go around it.

Come on. We're okay now, Mary.

We're gonna make it.

It's gonna be okay.

We just need to go

a little further.

Mary, what are you doing?

[g*n c*ck]

Where did you get that?

The glove compartment.

You got bit, and we both know

that you're gonna turn

into one of those things.

- No, we don't know that.

- Yes, we do!

Mary, I feel totally fine.

I swear.

What, is it this?

I jumped through a f*cking window.

I ran through the woods.

They crushed my foot.

I did not get bit, Mary.

Shut up!

Do not come any closer.

You at least have to wait until I turn,

or else you'll be a m*rder*r.

Zoe.

[gurgling]

Mary! Mary, no!

[Groans]

[Mary gasping]

[screaming]

[snarling continues]

[snarling stops]

[Ax scraping]

Hey, you see that girl?

Yeah, I see her.

I trust you.

[thud, splatter]

[funk music playing]

B-mark. Okay.

Beaver fever?

Yeah.

Caused by the...

Giardia parasite.

Beavers carry it.

[Both laugh]

Caused by the...

[laughs]

f*ck.

Caused by the Giardia parasite.

- It's very serious.

- [laughing]

This is f*cking serious sh*t.

I'm sorry. Let's roll again.

Sorry, Jordan.

We're over there, and it's

Saving Private... Privates Ryan.

I think Ryan's right.

Jenn, we're up there sucking...

And f*cking.

And f*cking f*cking, okay? And...

We almost have it.

We're in there sucking...

- And f*cking.

- And... Yes.

And trucking.

- Keep going.

- I got nothing.

We're gonna go to Arby's

to get some apple turnovers.

Copy that. Over.

I got a hand job at an Arby's one time.

- Oh, yeah?

- Or did I give one?

[Both laugh]

- [snarls]

- Oh, no, the hand.

[laughter]

Action.

[laughs]

That's gnarly.

Gnarly. Gnarly. Gnarly.

Ka-nar-guh-ly!

Ka-nar-guh-ly?

[laughing]

The dog's supposed

to be scared of them.

I had a job for a minute

as one of those sign spinners.

Like... Like one

of those sandwich places?

Yeah, but I plugged it in.

I put some Christmas lights in it,

tried to get paid extra,

and I strangled my p*nis.

Strangled your p*nis?

How does that happen?

You can strangle your p*nis.

Were you doing

that flip behind your back,

and it came up

around your taint?

My p*nis was in a...

was in a rear naked choke.

Now, what kind of workman's comp

do you get for that?

You just get fired.

[Both laugh]

Could someone pull

my glasses down?

- Yep.

- Well, not you.

- Not you.

- [laughter]

I didn't want to move the hands.

- Okay.

- Do you like the...

[growling] moan,

or do you like the... [squeals]

- Both.

- I'll do the moan.

- You do the, "Ahh."

- Yeah.

My mom never loved me!

My mom never loved me!

Why are you with me?!

Why are you with me?!

What do you see in me?

I don't know.

- [laughter]

- That's okay.

Ready. Action.

Well, that is f*cked up.

Cut.

- [Lounge music plays]

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ You hear

your sweetheart scream ♪

♪ She tells you why,

you don't believe her ♪

♪ She saw one in the bathroom ♪

♪ It's no lie, it's a zombeaver ♪

♪ Contaminated by toxic goo ♪

♪ A random genetic mistake ♪

♪ They're semiaquatic,

they're hungry for you ♪

♪ Boys and girls,

stay away from the lake ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ A cheerful g*ng

of college students ♪

♪ Think they're on vacation ♪

♪ Instead, they're dodging

beaver chompers ♪

♪ And facing their damnation ♪

♪ Don't board up the doorways

and windows, my friend ♪

♪ It won't do any good ♪

♪ These furry brown b*stards

are fully equipped ♪

♪ And they'll chew

right through the wood ♪

♪ Say goodbye

to your golden retriever ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ So brace yourself ♪

♪ You've never witnessed rodents

quite like these ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus Christ, you can't escape ♪

♪ They've blocked the road with trees ♪

♪ Check your bodies for scratches ♪

♪ You can't be too careful ♪

♪ Their claws are a cause for concern ♪

♪ Yes, once you're infected ♪

♪ It's only a matter of time

before you turn into ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

Spoiler alert.

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Look out, they're coming

through the walls ♪

♪ Your girlfriend's

chewing off your ba*ls ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

Zombeavers, baby.

[Instrumental playing]

[Birds chirping]

[Bee buzzing]

[Bees buzzing]

[snarls]