(GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
NARRATOR:
Oh, hello there.
It's my absolute pleasure
to welcome you
to the leafy North London
suburb of Muswell Hill,
a pretty unremarkable
place for the most part,
were it not
for its curious inhabitants,
people of imagination
and ingenuity
with a love of the past
and an unshakeable belief
in the future.
But this little world
was changed forever
by a sequence
of extraordinary events.
And it all started
six years ago
on a mews behind
the high street
ah, yes, that one,
at this vintage shop,
run by best friends Ruth
and Megan,
but I'll let them explain.
Uh, we sell vintage and,
I, I don't really like
the word retro, but people
like to say it.
But we just basically
sell anything
that we can get our hands on,
really, that's from the past.
MEGAN:
There's no kind of particular
period we stock and sell.
It's just anything
that catches our eye.
So like, we'll put '50s,
and '70s, and '80s together.
Business has really
picked up lately.
RUTH:
Yeah, I think it was about,
probably about a month ago.
-Yeah.
-We found this thing outside.
It was literally by the bins.
MEGAN:
We weren't sure
whether to take it or not
'cause it just looked like
some kind
of school project or something.
But we were just drawn to it,
so we kind of dragged it in.
Yeah, and then I guess we
were just messing about and...
And I went to 1945.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
RUTH:
The machine enables us
to go to that point in time.
So basically, to get from A,
which is here, to go to B,
which is 1959,
we put it in the machine,
and then it's like this
vortex, this portal to--
MEGAN:
It's undescribable, really.
Yeah.
-System?
-Check.
And destination?
-Check.
-And fuel cell one.
We're not kind of
scientifically minded.
So I mean, I,
I say it's a wormhole,
but I actually don't know
what a wormhole is.
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(LAMP CLANKING)
RUTH:
Maybe they've got some pewter.
-MEGAN: Oh.
-RUTH: People like pewter.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(DRUMS BANGING)
(CROWD MEMBERS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
RUTH:
Since we found the machine,
we can pretty much get
anything we want.
Wow.
Mm, the ceramics are quite good.
RUTH:
Ceramics.
Uh, and, uh, metalware
always does quite well.
Uh, I mean, like,
if somebody wanted, like,
a car from the '50s,
that would be difficult.
We've never brought
anything that big back.
But it's great for our business
because you know,
we do clothing, homeware
You know, it, it's,
it's portable stuff.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
RUTH:
I don't think it's stealing.
I mean, because we don't
stick around long enough
to know what happens afterwards,
I kind of, in my head,
just imagine
that those things just
reappear for those people.
(DOGS BARKING)
Come on. Go, go, go.
The whole process has
cut costs right down
because it's,
it's a lot cheaper in the past.
Well it's free.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
I mean, yeah, sometimes
we, we, we do take quite
a lot of stuff.
We have got a storage issue now.
RUTH:
Yeah, upstairs
is quite jam packed.
MEGAN:
Mm.
RUTH:
We're, we're trying
to get it sorted.
(TOY SQUEAKING)
RUTH:
We just need to get more space.
It's just hard to sometimes
hold back
because there's just
so much good stuff.
Like, the other day, there
was something at the back,
and I couldn't get it,
so we just--
Went and got another one.
Went in the machine
and just got it again.
We got a cat once, actually.
(EXHALES)
It sort of didn't stay
in the machine,
which was really,
it was quite sad.
MEGAN:
Yeah, harrowing.
The machine's our secret,
really.
Yeah, no one knows it's here.
MEGAN:
Mm.
And no one knows we're using it.
MEGAN:
Mm.
Apart from you guys, obviously.
Mm.
RUTH:
I think people just, uh,
they, they hanker for things
they had,
and they, they have
this nostalgia and--
MEGAN:
You just can't put a price
on nostalgia.
RUTH:
No. We, we do, though.
Yeah, we do.
-RUTH: Pays the rent.
-MEGAN: Yeah.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
Uh, we, we sort of take care
of different sides
of the business each.
So I guess you take care
of all the customers, really.
They seem to really like Megan.
-MEGAN: Mm.
-She's very good with people.
They just love me.
RUTH:
And I do like more
the admin jobs,
like, um, paying bills, um--
Bookkeeping.
-Yeah, a bit of cleaning.
-Yeah.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
MEGAN:
Could you,
could you turn it off?
Yeah.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
Yeah, so it's, um, it's
measured by light years per year
at the precessing longitude
of the progressive node.
Mm, and that's how
you turn it on.
Uh, no, that's how
you turn it on.
I know, I know, but that is,
we do press that one.
That's, like,
the seat adjustment.
Yeah, 'cause sometimes it's too,
it's a little bit low.
I do most of the driving.
Um--
You do all of the driving.
-I do all of the driving.
-I'm fine with that.
I haven't got any problems
with it.
I'm not even--
It's, Ruth gets quite
anxious driving.
I'm quite anxious about
a lot of things,
but mainly just the,
all this is quite, like--
-Overwhelming.
-Yeah.
Meegs, I don't think,
I don't actually think
you should be doing this.
I think, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,
it's on fire.
-Oh.
-Meegs, it's on fire.
MEGAN:
Uh, uh, spray then.
Can you just take that bit off,
and then I can just do it?
'Cause it's equal.
It's still equal parts--
-Yeah, no, we all do--
-'Cause I do--
We all do our bit.
Uh, been friends
for a long time.
Uh, I just don't really
like the term best friend.
We're definitely best friends.
-Um--
-Definitely.
Found all these tapes
with the time machine.
They're of this old science
show, totally hooked now.
(TAPE CLATTERING)
(TAPE WHIRRING)
Hello there,
I'm Dr. Ralph Sheldrake.
(LAUGHS)
And I'm Botty.
And welcome to
"The Future, Today."
Today.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(HANDS THUDDING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
With the rapid advancement
in artificial intelligence,
what we really want to know
is, will computers ever be able
to destroy humans...
...at chess?
Your move.
(PIECE CLANKING)
(RALPH LAUGHING)
What?
I think that's checkmate, mate.
(BOTTY SCREAMING)
It seems Botty still
has a long way to go.
(TAPE NOISE)
(PENSIVE COUNTRY MUSIC)
Uh, so we've got,
we've come to America.
MEGAN:
The Wild West.
We've never been before.
(CHURCH BELL RINGING)
I think a lot of the
stuff here is handmade.
-Yeah, it's just really--
-Oh, that's nice.
Oh, hello.
It's nice, but there is a bit of
a weird vibe, though.
There's a lot of toxic--
-Yeah.
-Masculinity, I'd say.
Yeah.
Not somewhere
that I would wanna--
WOMAN 1:
Oh, it's kicking off.
(g*nsh*t BLASTING)
(COWBOY SCREAMING)
(ONLOOKERS SCREAMING)
He just shot him.
RUTH:
That's weird. Is he all right?
Surely there's better ways
to resolve conflict.
(g*nshots BLASTING)
(ONLOOKERS SCREAMING)
Wow.
Do we, do we,
should tell someone or?
Look at this. It's actually
been hand-stitched.
Beautiful.
Um, I mean, the thing is,
in Muswell Hill,
you get a lot of vegans,
so I don't know
if they're gonna be
into the leather,
but we could try sell it to,
to people in Wood Green?
Um, but yeah, I mean...
(ONLOOKER SCREAMING AND SOBBING)
-sh*t.
-That's bad.
That's, oh--
What a waste of life.
(FLIES BUZZING)
MEGAN:
Did, did he, did he get the hat?
I think we can just take that
because that'll just get,
you could probably
get that dry cleaned.
(COWBOY GROANING)
I don't think
there's blood on it.
(RAMBLING COUNTRY MUSIC)
(FEET THUDDING)
(EXHALES)
(TAPE MEASURE RATTLING)
(TAPE MEASURE CLANKING)
(PAPER RUSTLING)
-RICK: So what do you reckon?
-I don't know how it's gonna--
Shh, Ruth, I'm talking to Dave.
Dave?
DAVE: (ON PHONE)
It's a bit small, mate.
It's not small.
It's, it's compact. It's modern.
It's luxury.
Yeah, so, um, I've been in
the property development game
for the past four years now.
And key thing, must have vision.
I mean, imagine what this
place would look like
without all this sh*t in here.
-Ruth.
-DAVE: Mm-hmm.
Move your head.
I'm taking pictures.
You're spoiling it.
You need luxury flats.
What you don't need
are charity shops.
-It's not a charity shop.
-Well it smells like one.
Hold that. Go to the back.
Go to the back and bring,
over there.
(ITEM SHATTERING)
RICK:
Higher, Ruth.
Hold it up higher, Ruth.
My arms hurt.
Let go.
(TAPE MEASURE CLANKING)
RICK:
Where's that lovely Megan?
Uh, Megan is not here.
RICK:
Oh, that's a shame.
She's the better one.
(HANDS DRUMMING
AND FINGERS CLICKING)
RICK:
Rent.
I've got it all ready.
That's for you.
RICK:
Bloody hell,
where'd you get that from?
Did you rob a bank?
No, not a bank.
Lovely to see you.
RICK:
Yeah.
-RICK: Ciao, ciao.
-RUTH: Bye, Rick.
RUTH:
Should I just put
the ladder away?
RICK:
Ciao, ciao.
-MEGAN: Is he gone?
-Yeah, he's gone.
Oh, what a d*ck.
Coulda helped me.
Rick's kinda your department,
you know, complaints, refunds.
Ah, Brenda, I've got that,
um, antique letter opener
you were after.
(SWORD RASPING)
BRENDA:
Oh, never mind that anymore.
Um, listen, I've got just
a thing for you.
Just not really buying
anything at the moment, Brenda.
No, it's not for the shop.
It's for you.
Look at this. Look at this.
I mean, look, it's too
young for Ruth and me,
but it would be absolutely
perfect for you.
We're the same age.
I'm just, I just don't
need anything, Brenda.
RUTH:
But it's great.
It's great, but--
So, you know.
Can I help you?
Yes, I think you might
be able to help, actually.
I'm very interested in, uh,
where you get all these things.
Yeah, I mean it's,
it's a bit of a trade secret,
to be honest, but we--
For 50 pence. 50 pence.
I don't want this.
No, well, I mean I spend a lot
of my life in charity shops.
RUTH:
Oh, this isn't a charity shop.
Bric-a-brac stores,
you know, full of rubbish.
RUTH:
Yeah, yeah.
It's vintage actually.
-Uh.
-But yeah.
But this, to my untutored eye,
they seem obviously old
but also somehow new.
BRENDA:
Okay, I'm losing money here.
MARTIN:
One might almost say.
It's called dead stock, I think.
-That's what--
-MARTIN: Pardon?
Dead stock.
Brenda, I don't want it.
This really should be
in the British Museum.
I know. It's amazing, isn't it?
We actually got it
directly from Egypt.
Yeah, hi, are you actually
interested in anything?
Yes, yes.
I have actually seen
things I'm interested in.
Oh, sorry, we're not actually
buying at the moment.
RUTH:
And we haven't really got
the budget.
(BODY THUDDING)
Why did you...
(BODY THUDDING)
Must be hot.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
If you're serious about vintage,
come to Cha Cha Cha.
MEGAN:
If it's '50s, '60s, '70s, '90s.
-RUTH: '80s.
-MEGAN: '90s.
MEGAN:
We've got it all.
We mix periods.
Hello, Cha Cha Cha.
Yeah, our kind and courteous
staff are on hand
to help you find any items
from the past.
Um, we use cutting-edge
techniques
and an expert knowledge
of history.
No job's too small.
Sorry, none of these
f*cking pens work, Megan.
What the?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
RUTH:
Cha Cha Cha.
(TV CLICKING)
Ralph, what have you got to say?
Well, yes,
that is my time machine.
MARTIN:
Mm.
But, but I destroyed it
over 20 years ago.
Excuse me, Martin.
Is this a social meeting?
No, it's a meeting.
Well, you didn't send me
an agenda,
so I didn't send one out.
No one knows the time
or place of the meeting.
MARTIN:
Well, yeah,
except everyone's here,
and I'm explaining
the agenda now.
Okay, but just,
you wanna let me know
what the objectives
of the meeting--
MEETING MEMBERS:
Oh, come on.
Go take a hike.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
MARTIN:
Ralph has c*ck up big time.
Now, I don't know, uh,
who these two women are.
They're obviously bloody idiots,
but they have got it.
It, it definitely doesn't work,
and it definitely
doesn't go back in time.
Really, Ralph.
(BOX THUDDING)
(MARTIN GRUNTING)
(COINS RATTLING)
(BOWL CLANKING)
Stolen, purloined, thieved,
nabbed from the past.
It's not possible.
I mean, this is really
dangerous.
ALEX:
You are not wrong, Ralph.
This is a serious breach of
our secrecy policy and this.
No, no, no, no.
(SIGHS)
I got rid of it
because it lands you-- in the--
Okay, so-- one dash two,
paragraph three, secrecy.
If unanimously agreed
by members, the perpetrator,
that's Ralph, uh, shall be
expelled from the society
and their research confiscated.
That means we take
the time machine.
-It becomes mine.
-VALERIE: Expulsion?
-Well the societies obviously.
-Isn't that a bit harsh?
I mean, Ralph didn't know
these two idiots would find
his machine.
You've already thrown
out all of my friends.
Ralph's the only one left.
ALEX:
I'm your friend, Val.
MARTIN:
Ralph, your time machine
is in the hands of two
of the most stupid,
most ignorant,
low-intelligence people
in Muswell Hill.
MEGAN:
What is this?
Is it, like, some sort of club?
No, it's not a club.
It's a society.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
NARRATOR:
The Technology
Engineering Scientific Thought
and Innovation Society
was founded by Valerie Lancaster
and Ralph Sheldrake
at the turn of the millennium
as a forum for local inventors
to share their ideas.
In 2008, Martin Onions joined.
He quickly assumed control.
The committee also
includes Peter Kiddler
and Secretary Alex Lemin.
The society has many rules,
the most important
of which is secrecy.
I mean, do you not remember
the society motto?
Well, it's inserere hic
sententiam, inventing in secret.
NARRATOR:
It actually means,
insert motto here,
a misunderstanding of
the badge design website.
I mean, what do you think
would happen,
I mean, if all the inventions
got out there?
Well, I mean, it would probably
be a much--
No, I, I'm,
I haven't finished, Val.
If the government come
knocking on that door--
I'm locking up.
To take your valuable work,
that's the end of all this fun.
Secrecy is key.
(DOOR CLATTERING AND SQUEAKING)
RALPH:
You are never to use that
machine again.
It's very important.
It's damaged in a way
you wouldn't understand.
What, what, what's the problem
with it?
I had a bad experience.
(PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, until we find a safe
and secure location
for the machine, I think
you two should attend
these meetings once a week.
-I can't do that.
-What?
-I've got other commitments.
-MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARTIN:
You might even learn a,
a little bit
about the rudiments of science,
not that Ralph's old TV show
hasn't furnished you with
a formidable education.
-It was a good show, so--
-Oh, my God, it's Dr. Sheldrake.
"The Future, Today."
-Do you live in Muswell Hill?
-We watch all your shows.
-We've got them on tape.
-Oh, my God, love you.
Really enjoy them.
ALEX:
So all those in favour
of giving Ralph another chance.
RALPH:
Oh.
And, um, giving
honorary membership
to Ruth and Megan for the,
for the time being.
-My job, my job, Alex.
-VALERIE: Oh.
My job, Val.
Right, so all those in favour
say aye.
MEMBERS:
Aye.
-Motion passed.
-RALPH: Thank you.
Oh, sh*t.
I think we should all start
taking
this place more seriously.
ALEX:
Martin?
Shall I put this in the minutes,
Martin?
'Cause it, it sounded like it
was to yourself
but it, it could have also
not been to yourself
So I'm just,
I'm not exactly sure
I'm recording everything,
but I don't have to be
recording anything.
I could just, I could just,
I could focus on the loud stuff
as opposed to some of
the more quieter stuff.
If I go open paragraph,
that's the loud stuff.
Great, can we go now?
You can go when I've sworn you
in as a member.
You're a member.
Yes, I, I'm a member, yes.
-Yeah, we're all members.
-Yeah. Big one.
You're not a member yet till
I've sworn you in as a member,
but that's how it works
in this society.
All right?
(MARTIN SIGHS)
-Oh, my God, that looks amazing.
-I mean, why the f*ck?
Rocket boots.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Um.
(FIRE EXTINGUISHER THUDDING)
Right, so Peter is
gonna show us his boots.
There is a pyrotechnical
element to his footwear,
so I think safety first.
-That's one of my mantra.
-ALEX: Motto.
(MARTIN MURMURS)
So we're in
the science club now.
They took our details.
I fake numbered them.
-Oh, I gave 'em your number.
-Oh, what?
-I don't know my number.
-What's the point of that?
-I don't know my number.
-Hi, I'm just wondering.
-RUTH: Hi.
-MEGAN: Mr. Sheldrake, hi.
I'm wondering if I could come
over and inspect the machine.
MEGAN:
Oh, my God, yes. Anytime.
RUTH:
Amazing.
Give me, like--
RUTH:
Could I get your autograph?
Like, is that okay?
I know that's a bit
weird thing to say.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Come along, come along.
Gather around.
Nearly, ready.
(ROCKET BOOT REVVING)
(AIR WHOOSHING)
No, uh, no, no, no, no.
No, get off me.
-Get it off me.
-RUTH: Have you got a Meegs.
PETER:
Why no one helping me?
-Has anyone got a pen?
-PETER: It's not safe.
Get it off me.
No, no.
(WHISTLE TWEETING)
Valerie and I,
we met on the show,
and we thought it'd be fun
to share ideas
with like-minded people.
So we set up a club.
Then, one night,
-Martin shows up.
-PETER: Help me.
Before you know it,
he installs himself as,
as chairman.
Valerie blames herself
for losing control, yeah.
But Martin is unstoppable.
There appears to be
a slight fire.
ALEX:
Point and relax.
You realize you're very lucky.
Time travel is dangerous.
The entire universe is
held in thin strands of a--
Yeah, of course, of course.
It's hot.
(WHISTLE TWEETING)
(FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSING)
Ralph gave us his autograph.
Look.
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
(ROCKET WHOOSHING)
MEGAN:
What does it say?
It says, it says
Ralph Sheldrake.
That's his name.
Oh, it says, it says time travel
is dangerous or something.
Something about--
-Danger.
-Danger.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
TV REPORTER: (ON TV)
Two significant things have
changed since the beginning
of the month.
For starters, rain has arrived,
unusual for this time
of the year,
and we have seen some weird
in the cloud patterns
as of recently.
-Where have you been?
-MEGAN: Got dinner.
TV REPORTER: (ON TV)
Lower pressure circling London,
so do watch out
for those dark clouds
and those high winds
if you're planning on going out.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(RAIN PATTERING
& THUNDER RUMBLING)
Where did you get that?
Well, I didn't get it from China
if that's what you mean.
Megan, Pat's Choi shut down
about three years ago.
They just don't make
it this tasty anymore.
(SIGHS)
I just don't think we should be
using the machine
to do this kinda thing anymore,
you know?
Like, I just keep thinking
about what Dr. Sheldrake said
and, like,
how it's really dangerous,
and, like, what if that's
why I'm getting all these
headaches, and nosebleeds,
and, like, why I'm
being sick all the time.
Well, to be fair, you are
a bit of a hypochondriac.
I just feel like we
need to try and stop.
Well, where do you suggest
we find all of these, like,
authentic historical objects
d'art then?
We could go to charity
shops again or bin diving.
Are you joking?
Well, but we did it before.
Like, you can't run
a vintage shop
without a time machine
these days, Ruth.
RUTH:
The other day,
I went to the toilet,
and I did the weirdest poo,
like, almost had,
like, tones of blue in it.
Like, I've never seen
anything like it.
I was gonna call you
and show you, but I don't know.
All these things have
been happening to me.
I kinda feel like
maybe it's related.
It's not something that
we've, we, we're, we're,
we're clued up about
and are scientists,
and they're telling us
to stop doing it.
So we need to stop doing it.
I don't wanna risk my
health for something, you know.
Mm. Yeah.
RUTH:
I wanna try a different way.
Sure, okay,
we'll do it your way.
Don't how that's gonna work out,
but yeah.
So we'll just, we're not gonna
time travel anymore.
MEGAN:
Yeah, we'll,
we'll find our stuff in bins.
RUTH:
Well, I just feel like
we could at least--
I just don't wanna talk about
time travel anymore, okay?
Okay, God.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Did you know that time
travel is actually possible?
Did you know that, Botty?
Yes, I did know that.
Well, that's because we
all travel forward in time.
Yeah, I even knew you were going
to say that.
And with us today is
Professor Valerie Lancaster.
Hi, Valerie.
Hi, Valerie.
Welcome to "The Future, Today."
-Hello, Ralph.
-Hello, Botty. I mean--
-RALPH: So Valerie--
-What, am I invisible or what?
What can you tell us about
time travel in the real world?
Amazingly enough,
calculations by physicists show
that we can travel backwards
in time as well as forwards.
So, in theory,
you could make a time machine.
Unfortunately not,
this is all theoretical.
Um, time travel
is completely impossible.
RALPH:
Yes.
I mean, near a wormhole,
all the laws of physics
are warped.
Who are you to say
what's possible?
Well, if a time machine
had been invented,
then surely, time travellers
from the future would've
come back to visit us.
(RALPH LAUGHING)
She's got you there.
(VALERIE AND RALPH LAUGHING)
(BOTTY LAUGHING)
-BOTTY: How's she got me?
-Yeah.
Thank you for visiting, Valerie.
BOTTY:
I said, how has she got me?
Thank you, Ralph.
-Cheers
-And, uh--
BOTTY:
I said, how's she got me?
-Next, on "The Future, Today."
-BOTTY: How's she got me?
RUTH:
No, no, that's not for sale.
ELDERLY LADY:
I don't understand.
No, but it's our,
it's the Hoover that
we used to clean the shop.
Ah, that's disappointing.
This used to be
my favourite charity shop.
(PAPER RUSTLING)
Ah, f*ck.
What is it?
-Final demand.
-sh*t.
(PAPER RUSTLING)
Final demand.
Oh, f*ck.
-What is it?
-What do they want?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Hi, everyone, I'm Max.
Let me tell you about
my invention.
I call it the resizer.
This was a chair.
Invisibility is a,
is a, something
that a lotta people could find
useful in their daily lives.
You could listen in and find out
what people honestly think
about you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I call this the hat controller.
It is designed to make
the wearer do things
that they don't want to do.
Would you like to have a go?
It's a dream recorder.
And now, we should be recording.
Oh, hang on.
(COMPUTER RASPING)
ALEX:
I'm over here,
but you can't see me.
I'm throwing my voice so
you don't know where I am.
Is I can use it to communicate
with fish.
A robot dentist.
Now, you don't wanna check
the fridge,
and you want to see if there's
something gone off
in the fridge.
It is, it's obviously,
um, whoops.
(LAUGHS)
It's in its teething stages,
you know, really. (LAUGHS)
-Um.
-Point, push the button.
Point, push the button,
very simple.
It's just not working.
Max is here.
Get rid of him, charlatan.
ALEX:
You're not in the club anymore.
You're not a member.
-We're just gonna--
-Really, I'm telling the truth.
Clear the, the sofa,
obviously, a doll's house.
RUTH:
There's a, there's a--
(MEGAN GASPS)
(INAUDIBLE)
(LID CLATTERING)
We're going through the
bins trying to find stock.
Trying to find things
that we can sell.
Mm.
Oh, look, Meegs,
that's quite nice.
Is that Royal Doulton?
(TEAPOT CLINKING)
-Put a plant in it.
-Put a plant in it.
That's nice for kids,
though, to do something plain,
and they can write their name
on it or--
-MEGAN: Mm, mm.
-But that's quite nice.
Um, I mean, it's not ideal,
to be honest.
-It's not really what--
-It's sh*t, Ruth.
It's not really what we wanna
be doing.
-But it's a way to--
-sh*t.
It's a way to make ends meet.
I don't really,
we can't use the machine, so.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-I could tape it there.
-MEGAN: Yeah.
I don't think I could actually
do that 'cause it's got,
in my mind, these very
much go together as a pair.
Ruth, found the other shoe.
MEGAN:
Oh, brilliant, that's great.
They're actually really nice.
No laces,
but here's the other one.
That just needs a new wire
and a bulb,
and, uh, maybe take the rust.
-RUTH: So--
-Look at that.
That's a bottle of piss.
We've done quite well today.
-MEGAN: We've done really well.
-What'd you get?
(ITEMS CLATTERING)
Oh, sh*t.
RUTH:
Well.
MEGAN:
Just, just leave the tea pot.
Leave the tea pot.
(ITEMS CLATTERING)
RUTH:
I don't know.
I think you can still fix it.
-RUTH: Oh, there's a poo there.
-MEGAN: Oh, no.
RUTH:
That's a,
that is not a dog poo either.
I mean, genuine
vintage toy that, um.
What about this vintage grill?
(FLIES BUZZING)
It's got, um, beautiful patina,
um, and airflow control and,
oh, my God,
there goes another customer.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(BELL RINGING)
PETER:
These are my predicto goggles.
They allow the wearer
to see about a minute
into the future, give or take.
Um, maybe I could have
a volunteer to help me.
Anyone, anyone?
Any volunteers?
Anyone at all?
Yes, please, Ruth, up you come.
Up you pop, Ruth.
f*ck's sake.
My lovely, glamorous assistant
will put these on.
Yeah, you're putting them on.
There you go.
What can you see, Ruth?
Whoa.
I don't really see the point
of these, to be honest.
What, what's, what am I
supposed to be looking at?
It's just all the same.
Oh, you're holding your face.
Are they frozen?
-PETER: Actually--
-I think they're broken.
PETER:
They must have gone wrong.
-Now, give it--
-I think they're working.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
PETER:
Look, look, you
just need to turn it off.
Turn it back on again, okay?
Peter, I'm looking at them.
You don't, they're my goggles.
-Why have you got--
-Give me back my--
What's that weird thing
on the top?
PETER:
Give me back
my predicto goggles.
Don't snatch.
Oh, they're good.
no, they're good.
They actually work.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Bill, bill, oh,
this one's from Rick.
RICK:
Dear Ruth and Megan.
Megan.
RICK:
It has come to my attention
that your rent
is seriously overdue.
RUTH:
sh*t.
RICK:
But I've had an idea.
I thought, "Why don't I cut Ruth
and Megan some slack
on their rent?
Because they're good
girls and I like 'em."
-Oh, that's nice.
-Really?
Well, that's good.
RICK:
But then I thought,
"f*ck that."
(RUTH AND MEGAN GASPING)
(LAUGHING)
That was really weird.
I want my rent.
We, we're gonna get it to you
as soon as we can.
We've just had to change up our
business model a bit because--
Yeah, yeah, I don't care.
If you don't pay by the end
of the month, you're both out.
Oh, no, Rick, please,
we will get it to you.
It is the law.
In fact, if you f*ck up again,
you'd be doing me a favour.
So f*ck away, you f*ck.
Oh, say hi to Megan for me.
-Megan, she's here.
-RICK: Ciao, ciao.
Guess your business model
doesn't work.
RUTH:
Oh, it's awful.
(TOOL CLANKING)
In this structure,
the vice chair is
right adjacent to the chairman,
whereas in this structure
that I prefer, all the other
positions are, in fact,
subordinate to, uh, me or the,
the, the chairman,
which I think is a much more
manageable system, don't you?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(g*nshots BLASTING)
SOLDIER:
Fire.
(g*nshots BLASTING)
Oh.
(AIR WHOOSHING)
You have some new stock
in there?
-RUTH: Yep.
-MEGAN: Yep.
Uh, I hope that's not
from the past.
We got some stuff
when we were doing--
MEGAN:
Everything's from past.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Okay, well, that's not--
-MEGAN: Idiot.
-Where's that chair from?
-MEGAN: Oh, my God.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
(MACHINES WHIRRING)
RUTH:
Let's see what's in here,
oh, jackpot.
Who was looking for Bermudas?
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
-RUTH: Genuine '80s.
-Yeah.
I also would like to suggest
that the current two-year tenure
for a chairman should be
increased to three years.
Why not five?
(LAUGHS)
Well, very good idea.
Have a mint.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hmm.
Meegs.
(RADIO STATIC)
Meegs.
Meegs, come in.
I've go other eggs. Run.
(DINOSAUR ROARING)
(FEET THUDDING)
(DINOSAUR ROARING)
MEG:
You know, I'm just glad
I got them back in one piece.
If these hatch,
I don't know you.
VALERIE: (ON TV)
Einstein's equations allow
for things called wormholes.
Uh, if you have a wormhole,
you can enter in at the mouth,
travel through, and then
exit out at, at the other end
at an earlier point in time.
Does that make sense, Ralph?
-Do you want some macaroni?
-MEGAN: Hmm?
-Do you want some macaroni?
-MEGAN: Mm.
Goodbye, Ian, take care.
Right.
Well, that's strange
for this time of year.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(UMBRELLA RUSTLING)
(SCOOTER WHIRRING)
Ruth, it's the pub quiz tonight
if you fancy popping along.
-MEGAN: Come on, Ruth, come on.
-Um.
Probably just gonna have
an early one, to be honest.
Oh, next Thursday?
Next Thursday maybe?
Every Thursday, Ruth.
Ruth, every Thursday.
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
-MEGAN: Hi.
-RUTH: Hi.
Can we, can we have
a quick look around?
-All right?
-Look, look?
Yeah, looks like a hog.
But it's a bit broken. Can
we, can we have a look at it?
Yeah, no, they don't
really have many possessions,
these people, um,
which seems like a
sort of silly move
to come this far.
But it's just, we just,
you know,
it's good to realize
how far we've come.
(COUGHING)
RUTH:
He just coughed in my mouth.
-CAVEMAN: Ruth, Megan.
-Other way around.
Ruth, Megan.
Ruth.
Just say yes.
It's not even worth it.
Yeah, I think
that's really sellable.
Can we have this?
-TRACY: I'm very excited?
-Oh.
TRACY:
Just you wait.
There'll be a boom.
-TRACY: Amazing.
-Thank you so much.
-Bye, Tracy.
-See you soon.
(MILITARY DRUM MUSIC)
(expl*si*n BLASTING)
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)
(VOMIT SPLATTERING)
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
What is the universe made of?
We can't be sure, but we do know
it's all held together
in perfect equilibrium.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
So we've, uh,
had a bit of an incident.
RUTH:
Yeah, there was this thing.
Shh.
I don't know what it is,
but it's scary.
She was pissing around with
things she knows nothing about,
and now she's a kid.
Teenager, actually.
Come on, what the?
This thing just opened up,
and something came out,
and it, it grabbed me.
(SCREAMING)
Geez.
MEGAN:
Uh.
RUTH:
And the next thing you know,
I'm young again.
My hair is just so much
silkier than before,
my skin so smooth.
My life is so much better now.
I have no responsibilities.
Wow, slow down.
Uh, can you just sit down?
She just can't sit still.
CUSTOMER:
Excuse me. Excuse me.
How much is this?
I don't care.
This place is so boring.
That's why I gotta change up
the shop a bit.
-So?
-Yeah?
-You like it?
-Oh, that looks great.
RUTH:
You know,
get rid of the old farts.
Oh, I like this jacket.
CUSTOMER:
I'm in a band, so it kind of--
-RUTH: You're in a band?
-Uh-Huh.
Wow, I can sing, you know.
How long have you been
working here anyway?
Um, about 20 years.
20?
School, I'm smashing it,
working a bit harder this
time round, you know.
Not everyone gets
a second chance.
Keeps having friends round.
Like, uh, this isn't,
like, a party hangout.
Uh, it's ridiculous.
Yeah, meet at the bench,
dude, yeah,
then swing over to the swings.
So it's changed
the dynamic completely.
Um, it's not the Ruth
I'm used to, you know.
Uh, okay,
I've gotta go to work now.
(RUTH GRUNTS)
Just don't feel like
her heart's in it anymore.
Thinking about getting
out of here anyway.
That suits you.
Do you really think?
Yeah, it brings out the eyes.
Yeah, my girlfriend's really
gonna like me wearing this,
I reckon.
-RUTH: Who?
-My girlfriend, yeah.
CUSTOMER:
Like, I dunno, dinner.
Megan get this loser
out of here.
The music's really
starting to get to me.
Um, I mean, you just
just reach this point
where you just can't listen
to that sh*t anymore.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
It's been a difficult transition
for the both of us, really.
I didn't ask for this to happen,
but I love the new me.
Or is it the old me?
The young me.
Megan does need to chill,
though.
She's getting a couple of grey
hairs, more than a couple.
She tried to get involved
in my sleepover.
I mean, but none of the
other mums were there.
Take the suit off.
MEGAN:
I can't remember being such
a douchebag when I was a kid.
Kids are different today.
(ENERGY PULSATING)
Ow, oh, ooh, ah, mm.
(CREATURE GROWLING)
RUTH:
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Trying to get young like me,
aren't you? (LAUGHS)
You know what?
Go clean up that mess you made.
And take that makeup off.
You look ridiculous.
(STAPLE g*n CLANKING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What?
RUTH:
Did you pay the rent?
Ciao, ciao.
(IMITATES g*nsh*t BLASTING)
-Ruth, that's your job.
-No, I'm 16.
It's definitely your job.
We pay the rent first
of the month.
It's in the calendar.
-Calendar?
-Look, there.
And these are all my dates.
I've literally never seen
this before.
We need to sort this out.
No, Meegs, I've got
bigger problems than this.
What?
Hello,
book exams mean anything to you?
What are you on about?
If I don't get good grades,
what kind of future
am I gonna have?
Uh, this is your future.
This is your shop.
Nah, Meegs, this is your future,
your shop, your landlord,
your bills.
I haven't got to deal with
all the crap, not anymore.
If you don't like your life,
you can't just start over.
You said it yourself.
The customers love you.
Oh, my God, your need to
be liked is so pathetic.
You're just a jealous old hag
who can't even use
a credit card machine.
You're a bratty teenager,
and you're gonna get
the same sh*t marks you
got the first time around.
You're useless. I'm
better off without you.
I'm going for a walk.
No, I have to go meet
my friends at the park.
So desperate,
trying to be all street.
Pay the rent and watch the shop.
Not my problem.
Go upstairs,
and do your paperwork.
You're not my mother.
(ELECTRIC SPARKS)
(expl*si*n BLASTING)
(BURP ERUPTING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(DINOSAURS SCREECHING)
(RUTH GRUNTS)
(GLASS CRACKING)
Meegs.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Oh, yeah, cool, just leave then.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
f*ck, no.
Oh, my back.
Yo, yo, yo,
it's little Babe Ruth.
Yeah, it is Ruth.
(SPRING SQUEAKING)
Yeah, what are you doing?
I thought we were gonna meet
at the park.
I've been waiting for,
like, half an hour.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, man, it's wicked.
They're so fun.
Like, they're so, like,
it's much nicer hanging out
with people, like, your own
age because you just, like,
you, I don't know, like, just
got a lot of energy and...
Who's party?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no,
I didn't get invited either.
f*ck that, yeah.
Oh, are you?
Oh, okay.
Do you think maybe, like,
I can come with you or?
Why is it creepy?
I just didn't quite get it
together today.
Like, I thought
they went one place.
They thought
I went somewhere else.
It's, like, it's fine.
It doesn't really matter anyway.
It's not like,
(METAL CLATTERING)
I don't even think Amber's a
very nice person, to be honest.
I think she's actually
quite a b*tch.
Ella.
Ella.
(BOTTLE THUDDING)
Why they just didn't
even let me know.
It's kind of, like, uh what's
the point in having phone.
RUTH:
This is our store room
where we keep everything.
Unfortunately, there's quite
a complicated system in place,
which only Megan seems to know.
(STATIC HISSING)
Meegs?
Meegs, is that you?
Meegs, if you are there,
Mr. Dixon came in today.
He was asking about
that wooden bear.
Oh, wait, I found it.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
There's a lot of stuff.
That's 1812, that is.
That's really valuable.
I should put that
somewhere safe.
Uh, my favourite item,
I guess this.
I've got this. Can you see that?
Just reminds me of Megan.
-Sign here, here, and here.
-I don't understand.
Finally getting rid. Where's
Megan? She out in back there?
I don't know where she is.
In ya come, Dave.
Yeah, there you go. That's
it, all signed, close enough.
Oh, I don't like
the look of that.
(ENERGY PULSATING)
That's coming out your deposit.
(PLATES CLINKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
Have I seen that? Seen it.
Unreason.
(TAPE CLATTERING)
RALPH:
Is it rolling?
ROBERT:
It's rolling.
Uh, after initial trials,
Robert and I think
the machine is ready
for its first human test.
(RALPH GRUNTS)
Come on.
(ROBERT GRUNTING)
ROBERT:
Right, ready?
Here we go.
ROBERT:
Okay.
(STATIC HISSING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hope this is recording.
I don't know what happened.
Uh, the power cut halfway
through the jump.
ROBERT:
Okay.
RALPH:
Oh, air's breathable.
Ground seems stable.
ROBERT:
Yeah, I, hang on what?
What's that over there I heard?
(STATIC HISSING)
ROBERT:
Look, I'm, I'm, I'm
sure I heard something.
Ah, what's that?
(RUTH SCREAMS)
ROBERT:
Eight legs!
(RALPH SCREAMING)
ROBERT:
It's got a beak.
(STATIC HISSING)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
Meegs, I'm sorry.
(RUTH SCREAMING)
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING
AND THUDDING)
Where, where are you?
-Gonna do time in time jail.
-Time jail.
Meegs
(RUTH SCREAMING)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
(STATIC HISSING)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
(CREATURE GROWLING)
MEGAN: (OVER RADIO)
Ruth?!
Meegs.
Megan.
MEGAN: (OVER RADIO)
Ruth, help.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(ALARM BLARING)
QUIZ MASTER:
What's the word for a type
of particle accelerator,
also applies to a type of
electromagnetic radiation made
by charged particles moving
in magnetic fields?
And I'll give you a clue here,
guys.
It is not a cyclotron.
Which apparatus with culinary
applications would you use
to maintain the temperature
of water
below 100 degrees Centigrade
at sea level?
Come on. Get on with it.
When is the bloody game?
Don't wanna watch the nerd show.
Used to maintain
the temperature of water.
Guys, guys, something
really bad's happen.
I need your help.
Megan's gone.
I don't know where she is.
I can't find her.
-It's a Marie's flask.
-Deuce. It's a deuce.
Please, listen to me.
She's gone. Something
really bad's happened.
Just shush. Come on, dear.
We're very, very busy.
Valerie, please listen
to me please.
Could we please have
the question again?
Megan's gone.
VALERIE:
Sorry, darling,
it's just the question
it's a kitcheny one.
QUIZMASTER:
Which apparatus with cautery
applications would you use
to maintain the temperature
of water--
It's a f*cking bain-Marie.
(CHAIRS SQUEAKING)
(PLAYERS WHISPERING)
-Bain-Marie
-Yes, bain-Marie.
She just said so.
The whole bloody pub heard it.
-All right.
-Right.
RUTH:
Why is no one listening to me?
It's the time machine.
Something really bad
has happened.
Stop talking at once.
Toilets.
-Oh, look here they come. Look.
-Geeks.
-Go on.
-Yeah, ya geeks.
(RICK AND FRIEND LAUGHING)
Ah.
(DEVICE WHIRRING AND BEEPING)
-We're clean.
-Right, so, okay,
yeah, so I've called
this extraordinary meeting--
RUTH:
Hey, the machine, I think
there's something wrong with it.
It's, like, making all
this weird sh*t happen.
Like, I was 16 but not when
I was 16, like recently.
And I thought
that's why Megan had gone
because I can't find her.
And there's also, like,
this massive hole.
There's, like, this weird,
white, glowing, floaty thing,
and there's, like, this
sh*t coming out of it.
And I don't know.
I think maybe
she's been sucked off.
I mean, I'm not a scientist
or anything, but--
MARTIN:
All right, okay, okay,
okay, so first of all,
is anything she just
said remotely possible?
Have you used the machine
at all?
RUTH:
Okay, don't be annoyed.
We did actually use it
a few times
because we had a massive
electricity bill, and it was--
-MARTIN: How much?
-Like six grand.
No, no, how much did
you use the machine?
Like, I wanna say it was,
it was quite
a high number, actually.
Um, no, I'm really sorry.
It's just really difficult
for us at the moment.
Megan's idea anyway,
to be honest.
Which radioisotope?
I'll give you a clue here, guys.
It has the atomic number
43 and mass number 99.
Can we just establish what
exactly happened to Megan?
RUTH:
Well, I don't actually know,
but there's a hole in the
shop, and I think there's
a good chance
she went in the hole.
I mean, I'm not exactly sure
if she went in the hole.
There's definitely a good
chance she's in the hole.
-VALERIE: Into the hole?
-The hole.
Like, big hole, little hole?
RUTH:
It's a big hole. It's quite big.
Well, it's kind of medium.
Okay, medium, I'm
gonna put medium for now.
Idiots, they've broken through.
Broken through,
what do you mean?
-They've damned us.
-No, Ralph, Ralph.
-They've damned us all to hell.
-Ralph.
MARTIN:
God, he's lost it again.
RUTH:
Again?
You know, Ralph had a bit of a
difficult time a few years ago.
MARTIN:
Difficult?
He went completely nuts,
completely batshit.
He was all over the shop
like a mad woman's piss.
-That's offensive.
-MARTIN: It's all right.
I know what to do.
So first of all,
we have to expel
Ruth and Megan from the society.
Point of order.
Uh, since Ralph has left,
we don't actually have
a quorum anymore.
So we cannot take a vote.
Oh, shut up.
Could I please have the
return of your society pin?
Oh, my God, Martin,
are you actually joking?
MARTIN:
No, I'm not joking, thank you.
And could I please now
have Megan's pin?
Martin, Megan's not on
the f*cking planet anymore.
I don't know where she is.
I came to you guys for
help, and Megan was right.
You're a bunch of freaks
with some stupid club,
and you just sit around talking
about inventions that
you didn't even make.
The universe is coming apart
in my shop,
and I don't know
where my best friend is.
And I, I just wanna
get her back,
and I don't wanna go
to f*cking time jail,
because I don't know
what's in there.
All right, all right,
now first of all,
we need to find out what damage
the time machine has done.
Okay, we will leave here
as quietly as we can.
We will go
to secret meeting point D.
And remember
the society's motto.
VALERIE:
Oh, well, you keep changing it,
Martin.
No, oh, come on.
f*ck me.
f*ck right off.
Do not make me be that person.
c*ck off.
Inventing in secret.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
(MURMURING)
-Just squeeze through.
-Yes.
(HAND DRYER WHIRRING)
(MARTIN COUGHS)
(HAND DRYER WHIRRING)
(DOOR CLATTERING)
You know, for 20 seconds there,
we actually did have a,
a quorum,
so we could have taken a vote
if we...
(VALERIE SIGHS)
Oh, my God, on and on.
Actually, never mind
'cause he's not,
he's not in the club.
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
(RALPH GASPING)
ANNOUNCER:
Well, I'm terribly sorry.
We seem to be having a bit
of a technical difficulty
at the moment.
We'll try and restore things
as soon as we can.
And please do bear with us.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
RALPH:
Robert, it's Ralph.
ROBERT:
The only Ralph
I know betrayed me
and ruined my life
RALPH:
It's Ralph Sheldrake.
ROBERT:
f*ck off.
RALPH:
We need to talk, Robert.
It's about the accident.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
(LOCKS CLATTERING)
(CHAINS RATTLING)
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
RALPH:
Rob.
What do you want?
What?
-What the f*ck?
-No, no, no, no, it's okay.
They're, they're, they're
just, uh, filming me.
Oh, yeah, course they are
'cause the camera always
loved you.
I need your help, mate.
Mate?
You've got some nerve
after all this time.
It's about the machine we built.
It's back.
ROBERT:
What are you talking about?
It's been here all the time.
Uh, the other machine.
But you destroyed that time
machine over 20 years ago.
Yes, you're right.
I put it out with the bins.
Ralph, that is not a
sufficient means of disposal.
You better come in.
(CART WHIRRING)
(TRAFFIC BEEPING)
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Maybe it will be a
good idea if Peter drove.
-MARTIN: No.
-PETER: Yeah I know a short cut.
Yeah, well, Alex,
the chair doesn't recognize you
at this time.
And I'm a qualified
coach driver, all right?
Actually,
I could drive if you like.
Okay, Peter, you drive,
quick, right, go around.
You squidge over. There we are.
(SIGHS AND LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLATTERING)
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
(HYDRAULIC WHIRRING)
(POP MUSIC BLASTING)
Hold tight, Ruth.
(HYDRAULIC WHIRRING)
Hold on
Won't be long
No no there...
The only way is up
Baby
For you and me now
The only way is up
Baby, for you and me now
The only way is up, baby
For you and me now
The only way is up, baby
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Welcome to the bot cave.
(CART WHIRRING)
ROBERT:
That's all the stuff I managed
to salvage from the show.
It was the golden age
of home learning.
We didn't know
how good we'd had it,
presenting science
to the masses.
But I don't know why they chose
Ralph to be the presenter.
I was meant to be
the bloody robot.
(LAUGHS) God, can't believe
you kept all this.
And just like that,
it was gone.
You didn't put up a fight,
did ya?
Nah, you just walked away.
They woulda listened to you.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Come on, mate,
we had a good run.
(ITEM THUDDING)
Yeah, but at least
I fought for it.
I wrote and submitted 15
seasons worth of new material,
not one response.
Crushing blow to my
creativity.
I mean, look at us.
I was a different person.
You and I, we coulda been rich
off of what
we achieved together...
but they just cancelled us
and threw us on the sh*t heap.
(RALPH SIGHS)
Well, after what happened
live on air, can you blame them?
Yeah, that's what
that wall's about.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SWITCH CLICKING)
Got everything you need?
(CREATURE GROWLING)
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
There was a, an accident
with a machine.
Robert and I were stranded
in a lost dimension.
We were gone for three years,
or so we thought.
This is the octopus monster
that used to stalk us.
Here.
This here is the captain.
He was there, too.
These are photographs we
took for scientific evidence.
And then the, and then the
press just had a field day.
We were shunned by everyone.
Well, that's it in a nutshell.
We went to hell and back.
Now, that's a quote.
Potty Botty is just
a dangerous slur
on our scientific knowledge
and our bowel-care capacities.
That's why my podcast is vital.
People need to know about this
hellish alternative place
out there.
And, uh, when we finally
escaped and returned home,
we found that, uh, no
time had passed at all.
We weren't missed,
and we had to go live on air.
RALPH:
The creatures,
fowl mosters of hell!
Spread the word.
None of this is real.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
It's all lies.
(BOTTY CRACKING)
(RALPH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Hell is real.
We've been there.
It wasn't one of our best shows.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(VAN CLATTERING)
(DOOR SQUEAKING AND CLATTERING)
-Okay, come on this way.
-I almost had the...
Come along, come along.
So, so, what
we're doing is this.
What? Peter, f*ck's sake.
Ralph kindly agreed
for the society
to use this facility
as a secret base of operations
for just such an emergency
as this.
Yeah, we can't get into the
school on Thursday nights.
It's Pilates on the ball.
-Yeah.
-You're just sat on a ball.
Yeah.
First 10 minutes
is pumping it up.
Shut up.
Anyway, this is the place where
Ralph originally developed
the time machine, apparently.
(WINDOW KNOCKING)
(DOOR CLATTERING & BELL RINGING)
How did you lot get
keys to my bloody shop?
Botty?
Oh, my God, it's Botty, oh.
He's barking mad.
ROBERT:
You know who I am?
Yeah, I watched every episode.
You're the one who's been
using our time machine.
Big fan of yours, both of yours.
It's a great show.
It's really good.
You've actually travelled
in time?
It was great for our business
'cause we've,
we've got a vintage shop
in Muswell Hill, actually.
You should come check it out.
I've got a card.
You haven't got a shop.
You have a swirling gateway
to hell.
Good luck.
(WATCH BEEPING AND CLICKING)
10:15?
Acute radiation sickness.
MARTIN:
Oh, God.
The machine is damaging
the universe
in ways that we could never
have foreseen
like a shitty '80s car.
We think your friend's fallen
out of this dimension,
the one that we're all
currently inhabiting,
and she's landed somewhere else.
RUTH:
Where's she landed?
Um, let me show you.
Excuse me.
What, she's in there?
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
MARTIN:
Well, I didn't
even know this place existed.
He didn't declare it
to the society, did he?
Went to your birthday,
didn't we Val?
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that was brilliant.
-I loved that cake.
-Great fun.
-It was amazing.
-Yeah.
RALPH:
Let's see, shall we?
(DEVICE BEEPING AND WHIRRING)
GROUP:
Oh.
(MACHINE WHIRRING AND BEEPING)
The time machine's
trajectory passes through
to another point in time,
but it has to pass
this dimension.
We call it the Unreason.
Unfortunately,
uh, all our experiments,
we never made it all the way,
didn't we, Robert?
-No, no.
-No, no, we,
no, we, we, we broke down here.
Uh, now, we believe
that Megan has fallen
into a, a temporal sinkhole, uh,
caused by you guys punching
through history several times
in the same point in your shop.
She's probably ended up here
like me and Robert did.
The Unreason?
You know, when people
and things,
they vanish
in the Bermuda triangle,
down the back of the couch?
Well, in fact,
anything in history...
that disappears without a trace,
it, it all ends up here.
(SIGHS)
It was a nightmare.
Oh, Megan.
Look, here, we've got drawings
and pictures.
Yeah, look at that.
(PAPER RUSTLING)
And they breed a lot.
And they are not gentle lovers.
The horrors, yeah,
of that place,
imagine waking up to that.
Does that look natural to you?
If anybody touches
any of these things,
wash your hands afterwards
please.
We've, we've seen things,
monsters,
weird animals,
a unicorn with dicks for legs.
It's true.
I saw them, too,
well, not the dicks.
Okay, so say this place
even exists.
Is mounting a rescue
even possible?
Theoretically,
we could get there
with some pretty
profound modifications
to the fairground bumper car.
RUTH:
And bring Megan back?
No, no, no, we shouldn't be
using that machine anymore.
Well, we can't just
leave Megan there forever.
(BELL RINGING)
Hey, Val,
what about this microwave?
We could,
we could use this shielding
to reinforce
the singularity chamber.
Yeah, this should do the trick,
allowing safe
and reliable time travel
without damaging space-time.
-PETER: And the microwave?
-Oh, it'll be knackered.
Damn.
No, no, hang on a minute,
hang on a minute.
We are a society.
We should take a vote.
Well, I think it feels
pretty unanimous, Martin.
Oh, does it?
Well, Ralph and Robert can
postulate the correct course
of the hidden dimension
of the universe.
Alex and I will fix the
machine so it's less polluting
to space-time
and less damaging to humans
and so that Ruth can travel
up and down
or wherever it is,
to the Unreason,
and rescue Megan
and hopefully bring her back.
Um, so, uh, yes, uh,
and I, I could just, um,
there's lots of things here
I could probably help with,
you know, cups,
It could be used
for telephonic communication
with a bit of string,
and then there's this thing.
(MARTIN IMITATES g*nshots)
Bang, you're dead.
(TOOL THUDDING)
MARTIN:
Or on the other hand,
I suppose I'm just
completely f*cking useless.
Actually, Martin, you know what?
You could do the most
important job of all.
You could, um, do the,
the risk assessment.
He could do the risk assessment.
-Yes, yes.
-Yes.
What, I could do
the risk assessment?
VALERIE:
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I, I could,
Yes I could do
the risk assessment.
Let's do it.
Let's get Ruth
in that time machine.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not going. I can't go.
I can't drive. Megan drives.
I thought Ralph was gonna go.
You, you've been there.
You do it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not going.
I don't even drive a real car,
so how am I gonna drive
a f*cking time machine?
Please, but I get really
bad headaches, migraines.
I'm like,
I'm probably gonna be sick.
There's weird stuff there.
Botty said there's dicks in
there, and I can't do it, Val.
I can't do it.
I don't wanna go.
-I really don't wanna go.
-It's okay, breathe.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Calm down, Megan,
Megan is relying on us.
She's counting on you.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
You can do it.
You can do it.
Okay.
You can do it.
I'll go with you,
if you want Ruth.
-VALERIE: Oh, Peter, no, f*ck.
-Fair enough.
(EXHALING)
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
1984 Reverchon Privilege,
she's a beauty.
You can travel through time,
can't ya?
Cheeky.
(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)
RUTH:
What is this?
RALPH:
And just follow those
in the same, it's very easy.
No, this, that,
that'll twist and...
(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)
(STICK CLANKING)
(DEVICE BEEPS)
When you find Megan,
uh, remember,
we don't know how long
she's been down there.
It could have been years.
ROBERT:
She coulda lost her mind.
Not everybody has the same
mental fortitude as we did.
We had an argument
before she went.
So she, she could have
been stewing for years.
RALPH:
Don't worry about that.
I'm sure she's forgotten.
Time heals all wounds.
f*ck that.
I've been stewing for years.
Was, was, was that about me?
Sorry, Rob, I,
I just thought you'd lost it.
I mean, this time machine
broke up our friendship.
It's got nothing to do
with the machine.
This was all about you.
You didn't think you needed me.
That was utter bullshit.
You'd have been nothing
without me.
(EXHALES)
Of course.
Robert
I can't dispute that.
I always knew that.
Megan needs me.
Ah, well, best crack on.
These are all your chargers.
-This is your, your thrust.
-Like that?
Yeah.
Here until the sequence
over here--
-Okay.
-On the left.
-Okay.
-RUTH: Wow.
Here, careful.
Okay, sure.
(g*n CLANKING)
More careful than that.
Okay.
And I've installed an
electromagnetic shield
in the machine,
which should solve
the radiation sickness
and nosebleeds.
Oh, thank God,
and the headaches,
and the hair loss,
and the bloating,
and the insomnia,
and the dizziness,
and the tiredness, and that,
those awful sweats,
and the hair on my face,
and the lethargy,
and the dryness?
I think that might be
the menopause.
Oh, okay.
Never mind.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(DOOR CLATTERING)
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Risk assessment, Ruth,
and a gold badge for you.
Thank you, Martin.
MARTIN:
Good luck, Ruth.
I'll never forget you.
Goodbye Valerie.
-Good luck, Ruth.
-Goodbye, Peter.
Goodbye.
(SWITCHES CLICKING)
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
What is happening
to the world, Val?
VALERIE:
The universe knows we're
about to break the rules.
Nothing escapes the Unreason.
Are they gonna make it?
History, the future, time,
they're all level-two
chaotic systems,
systems that react to
predictions about themselves,
so I'd rather not say.
Valerie, you deserve to be
running the society, not me.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Oh, God, come on Ruth!
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(AIR WHOOSHING)
(HOPEFUL MUSIC)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(expl*si*n BLASTING)
(JETS HISSING)
(BURP ERUPTING)
Oh.
(TIME MACHINE BEEPING)
(ROCKETS WHOOSHING)
(TIME MACHINE THUDDING)
(TIME MACHINE BEEPING)
(SWITCH CLICKING)
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(BUTTON CLICKING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Meegs.
(WIND HOWLING)
Meegs.
Okay, okay.
(FOOTSTEPS PLODDING)
ROBERT:
Anything in history
that disappears,
it all ends up here.
(CREATURE GROWLING)
RUTH:
Listen, mate I've got a g*n,
yeah.
(CREATURE GROWLING)
(CREATURE CLICKING)
Megan?
(CREATURE GROWLING)
Megan, Meegs.
(CREATURE CLICKING)
(LASER BLASTING)
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
Yeah, I'm getting huge spikes.
Look at this, here.
I mean, it's off the charts.
VALERIE:
Ralph, not too far.
(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
So Rick, the landlord,
has arranged access for us
so that we can seal the fracture
or interdimensional fissure,
as we're calling it.
But before we do that,
we thought we would use a
robotic drone to study it.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(RICK WHIMPERING)
(CONTAINER CLANKING)
(RICK MURMURING)
Uh, go left a bit please,
Peter, no left.
-Right.
-Right, well, left that way.
PETER:
Yes.
(ITEMS CLANKING)
(INDISTINCT MOANING)
Can you be a bit more careful,
Peter?
Sorry, it's fighting me.
(RICK SCREAMING)
(ITEMS CLANKING)
-Steady.
-Steady, easy.
(RICK SCREAMING)
To the right, to the right.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
That's it, that's it.
(RICK SCREAMING)
Zoom in, zoom in.
-Uh, no, zoom, go push--
-I'm zooming.
Don't touch it.
-I'll touch it if I want to.
-Don't touch it.
-Push it.
-No.
Otherwise you'll never zoom in.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
PETER:
Ah, ah.
-MARTIN: Go left.
-Guys.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
MARTIN:
Forward, zoom, zoom.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
That's it. Now, what is that?
Ah, that's the event horizon,
the point of no return.
It's beautiful.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
Really, really gently, Peter,
'cause that gravitational
force looks super strong.
Yeah, I've got it.
-Don't worry.
-Wow.
(RICK WHIMPERING)
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
-sh*t, lost it, sorry.
-Oh.
Yeah, it's all right.
Don't worry.
-You did really quite well.
-Not your fault.
No, right, it's not my fault.
Good job, Peter, good job,
'cause we're going to learn
such a lot from this footage.
I mean, it's just, it's amazing.
All these images, you see,
they will be very useful
because
it's the first-ever recording
of spatial distortion ever.
I can't wait to review it all.
Peter did so well.
He did.
That was my fault.
(FOOTSTEPS PLODDING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
RUTH:
Megan?
(BELL RINGING)
(BROODING MUSIC)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(EXHALING)
Ah, you breathed, you breathed.
That's 536 and a half points
to me.
You go down to level,
um, 4,336. (LAUGHS)
Sucks to be you.
That round always beats me.
I mean, it's fun.
Fun.
What a game, what a game,
what a game.
Isn't this fun?
(LAUGHS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing, love?
I have this,
so I collect these, right?
No, no, no, no, no, f*ck's sake.
Listen, everyone,
this is important.
You cannot show this card
on this round.
(GRUNTS)
Hold on, hold on.
Let's look at the rules,
shall we?
Ah, here we are, in the event
of a level-five stalemate--
What?
where the rap battle
round does not apply--
And I have--
DANDY:
And the player is wearing
the appropriate
multiplier medallion,
in that instance,
the game is no longer
live, stroke, in play.
It is paused.
So Laika decides
the outcome using...
here we are, method four.
Okay, okay, these are the rules.
Two barks, I win. Write it down.
Two barks, I win.
Laika, if you please.
(LAIKA BARKS)
-Yes.
-No, hold, hold, hold.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(LAIKA BARKS)
Ah, two barks, woof, woof,
I win.
Oh, well,
better luck next time, Trace.
AVIATOR:
In some ways, the game
is too simple,
but that's what makes
it so perfect.
(LAUGHS)
Thanks, loser.
Place your bets
for the next round.
I love the next round.
(CHAINS CLANGING)
(BODY THUDDING)
f*ck.
(CHAINS CLANGING)
(ITEMS CLATTERING)
A new player.
If you've come to
join the game, my dear,
you need to buy in.
You may have heard of the game.
It was my idea.
It's become famous
across the Expanse.
Many have come in search of it,
all of them wishing to play.
Uh, no, actually.
This is the only thing
to do in the Expanse.
Sorry, I thought
this was the Unreason.
Is this not the Unreason?
AVIATOR:
Ignore her. Let's play.
Oh, come on. You must play.
You'll love it.
The rules are quite simple.
NARRATOR:
Basically, the game came about
as a way to pass the time.
It currently has 94,332 rounds
with unique multiplayer
and single-player subsections,
skill-Based specialism,
chance modifiers and forfeits.
The aim is to exchange game
progress for game tokens,
swap game tokens for game cards,
trade game cards
for game progress.
All wagers are final,
the rules are the rules,
and what a game, what a game.
You'll pick it up in no time.
Just be careful not
to get into hock.
Otherwise, you might end up
in the slammer like Megan.
AVIATOR:
Are we playing or chatting?
RUTH:
Megan!
Megan, you're alive.
You're okay.
I could trade you 15 tokens
for a black triangle card.
What?
MEGAN:
A black triangle.
-Are you okay, Meegs?
-She lost everything.
She's been down over 100 points
for 10 years.
I came as quickly as I could.
I can't see things getting
better for her, sadly.
MEGAN:
Oh, nice.
You like it?
-You remember?
-MEGAN: Mm.
It's vintage.
Trade you 15 tokens for it.
You don't normally buy stuff,
Meegs.
Ruth?
Yes, that's right. It's me.
Remember me.
-Ruth?
-Yeah?
-Listen.
-Yes.
Do you have
a black triangle card?
I need to get back in the game.
I, I had one, but this
octopus guy called Gavin,
he took, took it off me and--
I'm getting you out of here.
This place is hell.
But it, but it's,
it's a really good game.
RUTH:
No, we're going.
Oh, no you don't.
She's in timeout.
The rules say so.
(g*n CLANKING)
AVIATOR:
Oh, a g*n.
She's got a g*n.
She's got a g*n, everyone.
sh**t me. sh**t me first.
sh**t, sh**t, sh**t me.
-sh**t me.
-No, sh**t me.
-No, sh**t me.
-sh**t me.
-sh**t me.
-sh**t me.
A b*llet in the head,
sh**t me, please.
-Please.
-sh**t me first.
-Please, please sh**t me.
-Please, please.
Shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush.
Not getting out of the game
that easily.
What's going on?
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Okay, uh, okay, I've got it.
Put the g*n in as a wager.
That can be your buy-in.
I don't wanna play.
I just want to get Megan.
The game has winners
as well as losers.
Captain got to drink the
poison a few round ago.
(CAPTAIN GRUNTING)
Sadly, it wasn't enough.
What sort of sick game is this?
It's immersive.
No, no, Ruth, it's a trick.
Shall I put you down for
a cheeky little round, Ruth?
No, Ruth, sh**t me first.
This round, we'll release
the dice from the tower.
If there's a total odd
dice score, she goes free.
However, if there's an
even score, I get the g*n,
and you join her in lockup.
Um.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
PETER:
They allow the wearer
to see about a minute into
the future, give or take.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
RUTH:
Can I just, can I just
check something quickly,
and then I'll, um, uh?
(TONE BLARING)
I'm just gonna have a look.
What's going on?
RUTH:
Five, six, seven.
-What is she doing?
-I don't really know.
And then 10, and hang on,
so can you not count?
'Cause I can't concentrate.
Sorry, sorry.
53, oh, okay.
-AVIATOR: What are you doing?
-Oh, sorry, one second.
I just need
to check something, um.
What is she checking?
-I don't know.
-RUTH: Oh, there they are, that.
Okay, yeah, okay, okay,
let's do it.
Let's play.
(g*n CLANKING)
Let's play.
Let's play.
We have a new player.
She's called Ruth.
We have a new player, everyone.
Here we go Place your bets,
place your bets.
The game, the game
The game, what a game
(BELL RINGING)
(CHIPS CLANKING)
(machine whirring)
(ba*ls RATTLING)
(COINS CLINKING)
(BELL RINGING)
Everyone, uh, we are
about to release the dice.
No more bets,
release the dice.
Stop playing.
(MACHINE CLATTERING
AND SQUEAKING)
(COGS TURNING)
(DICE RATTLING)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
sh**t me!
(TELEPHONE WINDING)
Hello.
23, thank you.
How are things your end
of the table?
Excellent, well done,
well done. (LAUGHS)
Yes, yes, yes, gotta go
Gotta to go, yes Stephan,
bye-bye, au revoir.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hi, Rosamund.
Oh, that's so crazy.
Oh.
One.
One, the result is
even, yes, even.
Sorry, Ruth.
-No, no, no, no, that's--
-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Doesn't make sense
(BELL RINGING)
This is where you go
and get locked up
with those other losers.
-No, but sorry.
-Leave now.
I didn't actually understand
how to play this game,
so I don't think it's very fair
that you can just do that
to somebody.
Oh, hang on. What?
Oh, what is that?
Oh, it's a 3. Does that count?
(PLAYERS GASPING)
Okay.
Nobody panic.
Let's just look at the rules,
shall we?
(PAPER RUSTLING)
(ITEMS CLATTERING)
(SCREAMING)
AVIATOR:
I win, I win.
-I always win.
-I'll get ya.
(ITEMS CLATTERING)
You're not listening,
you're not listening.
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(PLAYERS SCREAMING)
(BOTTLE SMASHING)
There's chaos.
Chaos, all is chaos.
Where's Megan?
Where's Megan gone?
Leave it now,
haven't got time for this.
(FOOTSTEPS PLODDING)
I think it's around here
somewhere.
(SWITCH CLICKING)
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
This is a 1984
Reverchon Privilege.
This is our time machine.
You came to save me.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Meegs, I'm so sorry I
was a d*ck to you before.
I mean, I was 16, you know.
I thought you were you just,
like, in a 16-year-old's body.
Yeah,
but I know it's a bit weird.
The thing is, I just
was on a high, you know.
Like, I, I felt like people
were interested in me,
and I had energy, and I wanted
to stay up late and do stuff.
And, like, I just felt like
I had confidence, you know?
And I didn't wanna think
about all the stuff
I normally worry about,
which I do.
I worry all the time.
I mean, f*cking look at me.
Megan,
you're the one who does stuff.
You can stand up on a surfboard.
Like, I can't do that stuff.
And I'm just the one
in the background
f*cking sorting out
the bills and--
Ruth,
what you do is really important.
We're a team.
You crossed the whole
intermenstrual diaphragm
to come and save me.
You've got this.
I'm proud and--
RUTH:
Well, I mean,
I wasn't gonna leave you there.
Proud and surprised.
(RUTH LAUGHING)
I did do it, though, didn't I?
I did. I did it.
I know
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
-Okay, let's go.
-Go, go, go.
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
-Why's it not going?
-Why's it not working?
-What?
-Hang on.
Maybe I have to put
the, no, I've done that.
-I don't understand.
-Ruth, Ruth.
-Oh, my God. This isn't--
-Ruth.
-The time for it to not work.
-Ruth.
-PETER: Ruth.
-What?
If it all goes wrong, all
you need to do is turn it off,
turn it back on again.
I think we need to turn it off
and back on again.
Would you like to go
for a drink with me sometime?
Ruth.
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CREATURE GROWLING)
What the f*ck is that?
(MEGAN SCREAMS)
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
Bugger me
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CREATURE CLICKING)
Ruth, you forgot your winnings.
That was just part of the game
where we fight each other, Ruth.
sh*t, they've gone.
Gavin, could you not run any
faster with all those legs?
More legs does not equal
more speed.
I think I remember
where we were in the game.
GAVIN:
They all get tangled
it's a nightmare.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(BODY THUDDING)
A new player.
Oh we're going to be
such good friends.
Welcome to the Unreason.
You're stuck here forever.
But you're in luck.
I've devised an excellent
way to pass the time.
What a game, what a game,
what a game. (LAUGHS)
(RICK WHIMPERING)
(TIME MACHINE WHIRRING)
RUTH:
We're back. We did it.
We did it. We're back.
We're in the mews.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yes.
Megan, perfect timing.
Wait till you see what I've
found for ya, Venetian mask.
These are really rare.
It's yours for a pound.
I, Brenda,
I don't want the mask.
You don't find these every day.
-No, Brenda.
-75 pence.
Woooooow
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh baby I don't care
Oh baby I don't care
(ARMOUR RATTLING)
Well you can give me
all your love
And anything else
you got too
But don't pay it any mind
Will the peasants please stop
going mad on the buffet?
You don't have to say
you love me
And you don't have
to say any prayers
Thank you for all your help,
Robert.
I'm sorry I,
I sort of ignored you on,
on the show all those years ago.
But I, I think I, I,
I was a bit nervous,
you know, a bit in awe...
of all that you'd achieved.
It's all right.
Botty was always my favourite.
But there's just one thing
You don't have to say
You don't have to say
you love me
And you don't have to say
any prayers
No you don't have to say
you love me
Like those, um,
future vision things
and the, the flying shoes.
It's amazing, really brilliant,
actually, brilliant stuff.
Could I just, uh, have
the microphone for a sec?
Thank you very much.
Uh, um, sorry, this, this
will only take a minute.
Um, uh, I just wanted
to thank you all
for coming to the meeting.
Technically, it's not a meeting.
It's a party.
(LAUGHS)
Um, for those of you
who don't know me,
I've been chairman of this
august society for a while.
But it's time for me
to hand over the reins.
I will, in fact,
still be a member.
Um, but Valerie will be
your new chairperson.
But before I go,
I did just want to say...
thank you for having me.
And it has been...
it has been a pleasure...
and an honour.
So thank you very much
and good luck, Valerie.
Hooray.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(HAPPY MUSIC)
Let's travel back in time
Big round of applause
for that guy.
We have a horse and chariot
parked
on double yellows outside.
Can we please get it shifted
from the venue?
What have you got?
(GENTLE MUSIC)
MARTIN:
Uh, I think, well, you could
take them away for a free try.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
CUSTOMER:
Is this one minute
into the future?
I do accept American USD,
American dollars or pounds,
no euros.
Then, this one gathers
your noodles.
CUSTOMER:
Wow.
It says what it does on the tin.
Well, we're just selling,
they're selling
some of their inventions.
We're just selling some
of our things we've found, um--
To raise money.
Yeah, we're raising money for--
MEGAN:
For our new headquarters.
And I declare
our new headquarters open.
(SCISSORS RASPING)
(MEMBERS CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
Whoo.
(CHATTERING)
(TOY MEOWING)
Shut up.
Well, emotionally, I couldn't
afford to part with it,
and financially,
you couldn't afford it.
So it's kind of like
a rebranding.
It's now the British
Research Engineering
and Scientific Thought Society.
It's a little bit
more inclusive. Um--
RUTH:
It's a lot more inclusive.
There's more women,
for starters.
-MEGAN: Yeah.
-RUTH: Much more balanced.
There, don't smudge it.
That's right.
RUTH:
Too much testosterone before.
-Yeah, much too much.
-Yeah.
PETER:
A powerful jet engine.
I mean, they're good fun,
but they're, you might die.
But you might die
crossing the road.
What do you think?
Would you like to purchase
one, uh?
(ROCKET BOOT WHIRRING)
CUSTOMER:
Uh.
-PETER: Do you?
-I can't see you, so.
'Cause I can still see it.
I can still--
Uh. Any sort of particular
branch of engineering
and scientific research
interests?
Well, Val's in charge now,
which is brilliant.
MEGAN:
We have more fun.
Uh, these are the new members.
Oh, great, thank you.
(PAPER RUSTLING)
Oh, no, Max is on here, though.
Well, yes, it turns out
his machine does work.
They let me in the club.
I'm in.
Wonders will never cease,
very good.
NARRATOR:
Sometime later, we checked
back in with Ruth and Megan
to see how they were getting on.
I was really scared because
they were saying, like,
"You've got, like,
a 90% chance of dying,"
but at the end of the day,
it was either gonna happen
or it wasn't, so--
-Mm, mm.
-It's always 50-50, isn't it?
You could say that you getting
stuck in the as*h*le of time
actually has brought
everyone closer together.
-Mm-Hmm, um.
-And it gave
Ralph and Botty happy endings.
-Mm.
-Uh.
MEGAN:
They finally got
to travel back in time.
They just went down memory lane.
This is all theoretical.
Um, time travel
is completely impossible.
I mean, who are you to say
what's possible?
Well, if a time machine
had been invented,
then surely, time travellers
from the future would've come
back to visit us.
(RALPH LAUGHING)
Well, she's got you there.
(VALERIE AND RALPH LAUGHING)
(BOTTY LAUGHING)
-BOTTY: How's she got me?
-RALPH: Yes.
RALPH:
Well, thank you for coming
to talk to us today, Valerie.
Valerie?
I said how's she got me?
Um, uh, no, thank you, uh,
uh, of course, no problem.
(LAUGHS)
Yes, thank you, Ralph.
And, and thank you, Botty.
(LAUGHS)
Thank you.
See you next time on
"The Future, Today."
-Thank you.
-Good night.
RUTH:
The fracture still opens up.
We've got this system now
where we've actually used it
to our advantage.
Yeah.
So we've, we've got this
wardrobe in front of it.
MEGAN:
Which basically houses
the portal to the storage,
you know, just a little bit more
health and safety conscious.
-Brilliant.
-MEGAN: Really handy.
-It's brilliant.
-MEGAN: Yeah.
RUTH:
And we're able to chuck stuff
in there.
MEGAN:
Yes.
(LAMP CLATTERING)
GAVIN:
Aisle 65 lamps,
Mr. Entrepreneur.
Don't look at me,
my arms are full mate!
-It's free.
-Yeah.
-It's free storage.
-Yeah.
RUTH:
And they've got a really good
system down there, so--
Yeah, we've, uh, essentially
created a new game for them.
AVIATOR: (OVER SPEAKER)
Bing bong!
Rick to the manager's office.
Rick to the manager's office.
Oh you're in trouble.
AVIATOR: (OVER SPEAKER)
Oh, what a game,
what a game, what a game.
(LAUGHS)
Rick disappeared.
We don't know where he is,
which is bloody brilliant
because now, obviously,
we're not gonna be evicted.
No.
I think he's met someone,
or he's gone away.
If you're out there, Rick,
we just wish you all the best.
Best of luck.
Hope it works out.
MEGAN:
No, business has been great.
Loads of people coming
from all over now.
-Yeah.
-Since the documentary, like--
Yeah, it really put us
on the map.
Yeah, and Muswell Hill.
-Yeah.
-Which is nice.
MEGAN:
We don't need to take
stuff from the past anymore.
We just use it for a laugh.
-Yeah.
-Just use it to have fun.
Mm.
What's better than exploring
time and space?
With your best friend.
NARRATOR:
And that's the end, I think.
Uh, uh, let me just check
here, yep, yeah, mm-hmm.
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Time Travel Is Dangerous! (2024)
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