Range 15 (2016)

[bunniefuu]

You have a collect call from...

Ross Patterson.

An inmate at Street Justice Films.

Alright, so no sh*t.

There I was, on this train to Paris.

Will you shut the f*ck up?

Shut the f*ck up!

Shut the f*ck up.

Shut the f*ck up!

Everybody knows, okay?

Alright, here's to Master

Chief Bill Wizeniski

and Zack Kunkle.

Every person in the military says,

they day I get out, I'm gonna

party like it's the end

of the world.

Good afternoon, Mr. Best,

I'm gonna be your public defender.

Seeing as how your actual

lawyer said and I quote,

"f*ck him, let him stay in there."

So, the court assigned me to

represent you.

Do you know what you've been

charged with

or are you too drunk to remember?

I was gonna have to hit the

refresh button, my man.

Yeah.

How bout public intoxication?

Do it, do it, do it, do it.

Mat, don't f*cking do it.

Bro, he's gonna f*cking do it.

I'm gonna live forever!

f*ck, not again.

What the f*ck man?

Matt, give him an R4 trauma bag,

it looks like he's got a

sucking a*s wound.

Nice shot!

Disorderly conduct.

Don't f*cking do it!

Freedom to f*ck off!

Yes, yes!

Indecency.

Bro.

I know.

He's gonna f*cking do it.

Hey, this taking lead?

Hey, hey, watch the Prius.

Oh, I just Lance Armstronged

your Prius.

That means I lost a ball in it.

I bet your corp watches The View.

Bro.

No, but really I bet it gets

good mileage.

What?

Battery.

Oh sh*t.

I f*cking punched Kesha last night.

I know this is gonna sound crazy

but I f*cking love your music.

Then show me, Mat.

You know that's a f*cking

dude, right?

What?

That's a f*cking dude.

f*ck.

Why you have to ruin all the fun?

Yeah, why do you have to ruin

all the fun?

f*ck.

Henry Kesha, Duluth, Minnesota.

This is why you're also being

charged with a hate crime.

And that carries with it a

Class A Felony.

You normally get it reduced

to Class C Misdemeanor,

I'd have to the court that

you were h*m*,

which isn't much of a lie

based on your sexual advances

from last night.

I'll take the Felony, Brother.

Too late, I've already plea

bargained for it.

You'll be out of here at 9 AM.

It will count as time served.

Tell us you just got out of

the service.

See a lot of guys coming

through here.

Word of advice,

find your next objectives.

Something you can live for.

Choose a new goal to achieve,

learn from your time in the Army.

Don't let it dictate the

entire rest of your life.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna get out,

make some internet videos,

get famous and probably make

a movie one day.

Good luck making a movie out of that.

Next thing you'll tell me is

you're making

t-shirts for vets and selling

them online

out of your bedroom.

Actually.

Alright young man, here you go.

Hold on, you ain't going

nowhere without me.

You know..

By the way,

how's your youngest daughter?

I heard she's turned 18.

She's doing fine.

She's doing even better

without you around.

f*ck you, b*tch!

Shut up!

Aww, it's good to see you

again, Mat.

Sarcasm.

You too, Wilfred Brimley.

Huh?

Got you too huh?

f*cking arrested all of us, Bro.

I'm sure you're all innocent.

Try not to f*ck each other in there,

it makes a mess.

Oh bravo, Mr. Best.

You know how long it's been

since I've been locked

up in prison?

Let me see, carry the two,

that's right,

my whole f*cking life!

f*ck you!

How was I supposed to know that..

Kesha, Henry Kesha, you made bail.

Call me if you want to party

and sh*t.

Your love's my drug, Bro.

Yet another great night for

Mr. Best.

Let's go.

Hey Mat.

Holy sh*t Jack, what's up?

Not much, same old sh*t.

Wait, you weren't even at my

party last night,

were you?

No, I got arrested on the way.

So, we gonna...

We gonna talk about this?

This, I was just f*cking around.

I can see that.

Some wise a*s filled her box

full of epoxy.

I went to Wal-Mart to get the removal

and they arrested me.

Did you know it epoxy in it

before you f*cked it?

I had my suspicions but

everything speculation

till ya to jam your d*ck into it.

Here's what isn't speculation.

If Gene Vandenham were here

last night instead of you,

we wouldn't f*cking be here.

Actually, this is exactly

where I thought we'd end up.

f*ck Gene and f*ck you for

bringing him up

and why is Rocco in the hallway?

We told the guards that he

takes prison rules seriously.

What the f*ck Bro!

I ain't gonna f*ck anyone.

Oh sweet,

we can play who's in my mouth.

No, fair, I'm out here.

Jack, stop f*cking the doll.

Just hang in there boys,

there's something going

on outside.

Stay right where you are, alright?

f*ck this.

Rocco, can you get out of

those handcuffs?

Bro, you know how f*cking big

I am?

Oh, what the f*ck is that?

Rocco, check your six.

Hell yeah!

f*cking k*lled man.

Told you, big as f*ck.

Alright, let's let us out man.

Yeah.

Jesus, Rocco.

You just t-boned him with a

metal pole?

What do you want me to do?

Glue him to my f*cking d*ck?

Is that what I think it is?

Boys, I think our wildest

dreams just came true.

The mother f*cking zombie Apocalypse!

Sweet f*ck of the mother.

Holy sh*t, isn't this f*cking awesome?

It's Marcus Luttrell!

For a second,

I thought you were Mark Whalberg.

No, the little f*ck only

played me on TV.

Stop embarrassing me in front

of my friends.

Bro, it's so f*cking good

you're here, man.

I know.

Hey, you guys have been saving

my a*s so many times,

I'm gonna do it for you.

Come on, stack on me,

let's get your frogman up.

Don't worry about a thing!

Hey mother f*ck,

you want some of me?

That was a short book.

This is how I'm gonna die?

Looks like we're the lone

survivors now.

Alright boys, bring it in.

Are you about to go full

officer speech?

What?

No, of course not.

It's confirmed we're facing

some type

of zombie apocalypse outside.

Are you sure?

Try to stay with me, simple Jack,

but judging from our boy here.

Looks like a blow to the head

takes them out.

That sounds like pretty

standard zombie rules to me.

Now, did anybody see any

weapons laying around?

They have some billy clubs

over there

and someone else chained to

the bench.

Billy clubs it is.

What about a vehicle?

The bar is at least 15 miles

from here.

We're better off hitting the

PD impound lot.

Yeah, there's some g*ns and

sh*t over there too.

Alright, what's the distance?

From here?

Two, maybe two and a half miles.

Ah sh*t, that's far.

Aright, let's maintain 360

degrees of security.

Stay tight, we don't need to

take it in the rear.

Like your mom?

That's what she said.

It's time to Vandanham up.

Yeah.

If you speak his name again,

I will slap you and your

mothers delicious f*cking mouth.

Somebodies jealous.

He's right man,

I actually kinda like that guy.

Come on, even his Lifetime movie

was f*cking awesome.

I can't believed he played himself.

Hey Gene, welcome home.

Gene, you're alive.

That f*cking guys not.

They said your entire unit

died on the news.

This my entire unit, right here.

Oh my god, it's been so hard.

Oh it's really hard

and so big.

A soldier came home!

A soldier came home!

The 27 minute sex scene was a

bit much.

I thought it was tasteful.

I had to jerk off twice.

The only b*ner I have right now

is for k*lling zombies.

You f*cking ready?

Let's roll.

sh*t, you alright man?

I think I'm hurt really bad.

Don't worry about me,

my Ranger training will get

me through.

That's the spirit bro,

were you in bat?

Not anymore, I'm in Delta

but I was in 4th battalion.

Just want to get back to men, Sarge.

4th battalion?

Bro, there's only three.

I was special force.

I mean...

A top secret!

Wait, I know this guy.

What?

He's not in the military,

he's an air-softer that works

at the DMV.

f*ck stolen valor and f*ck

the DMV!

You mother f*ck!

Piece of sh*t.

b*tches get bit.

Hey guys, get over here.

What?

Range 15.

You have to get to Range 15.

What's Range 15?

Let's keep moving and stick together.

Jack, you're already doing a

good job of that.

Yeah.

Want to get wet?

I haven't turned all the way yet.

Looks just like a girl I used

to f*ck in college

Rocco.

That's disgusting.

Alright, alright.

No.

Is there anyone in there?

We're not infected.

Move it along, sh*t necks.

There's nothing here for you.

Whoa.

Please just let us in,

we're survivors.

We just k*lled a sh*t ton of zombies.

Oh, did you?

Cool story, so did we.

Look guys, we're just trying

to say alive, okay?

We let you and

Mexican Jay Leno in,

you'll steal all of our a*mo.

Why would you say that?

Listen, I'm not gonna give a

g*n to his chin,

if you just let us have a few weapons,

maybe a car, we'll be out of

your beautiful hair.

Wait, are you Mat Best?

Every last inch.

We totally f*cked last week.

Of course you did.

Sorry, what's up Eli?

It's Eliza.

Can we rekindle this romance inside?

Hang on.

Oh my god, it's so big it

wouldn't even go all the way in.

Eliza, the beard and that tattoo,

what did I tell you?

I love d*uche bags.

Alright, fine.

We'll open the door.

Alright, spread those cheeks,

I'm going in.

Hello, this is Robert McWilliams

with Federal Resources.

The Bureau of Civil Defense

has issued

an national warning.

A disease of unknown origin

has spread

to pandemic levels.

There is no information...

Uh, fellas?

Unlock me.

Oh sh*t, Evan,

what the hell are you doing

chained up in the police armory?

Cruised over here to grab some gats,

when these f*cking dirty

sluts rolled me up.

This little hipster looking f*ck,

wouldn't share any weapons

and I had to cuff him.

I love the way your mouth speaks.

What the f*ck is that?

Oh that.

It's what they call the grunt pyle.

It literally looks like seven

men scissoring.

That's exactly what it is.

I know I'm stating the obvious here

but you guys are really

f*cking hot.

Like snap your fingers hot.

And you're like the 2nd

fattest in the group.

Are we good now, bro?

I guess.

What's Range 15?

That's where that f*cking

soldier told us to go.

It's a fallback point for an ELE.

Wait, are you guys military too?

Yeah.

I'm ex IDF and she's my cousin.

Wait, your Israeli?

Yeah, I was like screaming in

Yiddish the entire time.

No offense but that happens a

lot more than you think.

A lot more.

What's an ELE?

Extinction Level Event, Jack.

Hey man, I'm really impressed.

It says it on the map.

God damn it.

Well, Range 15,

that's where we need to go.

Oh hey, brilliant f*cking idea,

tactical Tesla.

Here's another one,

we need to get weapons,

supplies and we need to check

in at the base

to see if it's still intact.

Thanks, Dad.

Prom ended at 11.

You guys gonna come with us?

No, we're all set.

We're just gonna ride this

out until..

We save the world?

You guys?

Yeah right.

Listen here, oven mitts,

there's thousands of them out there

and as bad a*s as you think

you are,

you won't be able to hold

them off forever.

Boop.

Jesus could.

Who is this f*cking guy?

Jesus?

He's our lord and savoir.

He died for our sins.

Don't mind him.

He was Billy Bob's stand in

in Sling blade

but that's completely

irrelevant right now.

I'll protect you.

And I will never f*ck you.

We'll go but if sh*t goes down

we're hiding behind the

Crimson Chin here.

Hey, what's with all the Chintrest?

That g*dd*mn thing is huge.

It's like do you have to drink

with a bendy straw or..

Can we stop playing f*ck,

f*ck, goose,

and just gear up?

You know what guys?

For once in Nicks life,

he's actually f*cking right.

So wants a sweet f*cking gear

up montage?

This is really convenient for us.

I feel like I just blacked

out on freedom.

I feel like I got butt f*cked

by Francis Scott Key.

Is there any dialogue between

you two

that doesn't involve h*m*

sexual undertones?

Not one single time.

Just keep your body away from me.

Holy sh*t!

Zombies one o'clock.

Jack k*lled everything.

Jesus.

Let's go, let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

We should all take Camaros.

Bro, this isn't Swingers.

We're not taking 30 cars.

What do you suggest?

We can take the whisky truck

that they confiscated

the night I got arrested.

I'll drive.

You sure you don't want to

put your d*ck in it first?

If he did,

I bet he'd fill it up with..

Premium?

It's like you're living

inside of me!

Bro, she's never gonna f*ck

you, alright?

Evan, what the f*ck are you doing?

Taking a piss.

What happened?

f*ck!

f*cking ripped my d*ck off!

Hey, on scale from shaft to tip,

how much did that f*ck get?

Shut up!

Get over here and help me!

Come Evan, quit dicking around.

f*ck you.

Hey Bro, you really got the shaft.

This is worse than syphilis.

f*ck you!

Just f*cking k*ll me.

No Bro, we're gonna let you turn

and then feed you your own d*ck,

you c*ck sucker.

f*ck you man!

Hey Evan, there you go

Just f*cking k*ll me.

Hey no Bro, I'm just kidding.

I'll k*ll you.

Just like all the others.

You guys ready?

Let's go.

To the whiskey truck.

f*ck Bro, I need some food.

k*lling zombies really works

up an appetite.

Hey man, be careful in there.

Do me a favor, grab your r*fle.

Do you see you where we are?

Pretty sure it's abandoned.

Anyone else?

Anything that rhymes with beer.

It's great to see that the

zombie f*cking apocalypse

hasn't changed you.

Grab me some k*ll Cliff.

Got it.

I'll take some goldfish.

That's a children's snack,

you fat f*ck.

I do have a boyish quality

about me.

And it shines through like

heavens light on

to all of us.

Anyone else?

Seriously man,

stay away from the glass.

I don't want you getting

yanked through.

Bro, do you see how f*cking

big I am?

You know how big a mother

f*ck would have

to be to f*cking pull me

through a window?

Surprisingly, I'm with Nick

on this one

because if this was a zombie movie,

you'd be getting ripped

through that glass

right about now.

Mat, this isn't a zombie movie.

Mother f*ck, let's go,

let's go, let's go.

sh*t, did you see the size

of that mother f*cking zombie?

f*cking men.

Are you infected?

Answer me.

You tell me dude.

Whoa, you gonna sh**t me for stealing?

What?

That's right,

I'm Slurpees for free and sh*t.

What up?

Lights were out,

so I came in to get mine.

Know what I'm saying?

Hey f*ck stick, it's the

zombie f*cking apocalypse.

You can literally take

anything in here if you wanted.

Oh sh*t, for real?

God it's hot in here.

That's why I stripped down.

Skins a natural coolant,

my uncle says.

Level with me bro,

shits for real free free?

Cause I kinda feel like I'm

being mind tricked here.

Mother f*ck, get the f*ck out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

Hey, doll d*ck.

You look like Randy Quaid

with Downs syndrome.

Randy Quaid is an American legend.

I loved him in Chaddyshack 2!

Why'd you make me do this?

Hey Rocco, Rocco.

sh*t, if he's a zombie,

I get to k*ll him.

He's my f*cking friend.

It doesn't matter, I called it.

He's like a 12 point buck.

Oh my f*cking god.

Jesus tap dancing Christ,

what the f*ck?

You guys want to give me a

f*cking minute?

For the first time in my life,

I have no words.

Is it weird that I'm kinda in

to it?

You have a doll glued to your

c*ck, Jack.

So no, not really.

This is some barrack sh*t.

I'm gonna get some freedom fudge.

I'll get some with you too,

don't tell Heather.

Who's next?

Is there supposed to be that

much blood?

I hope so.

Oh sh*t yeah, f*ck!

Okay, I'm good.

Time to go, Jack.

I want one.

Yeah, yeah.

You ready, zombie f*ck?

What, Bro?

That's some bucket list type sh*t.

For who, a necrophiliac?

Oh come on,

she didn't look that dead.

Agreed.

Kidding.

I want you to know I'm a

perfect gentleman

and I would never f*ck a zombie.

So what if I turned into a zombie?

Would you f*ck me?

Why, do you want to turn into

a zombie

and have sex with me?

See.

What I was answering a

question with a question.

This b*tch got enough gas to

get us to base, you think?

I hope so man.

I don't think I can handle

seeing another zombie get f*cked.

I've seen worse Bro,

you'll be alright.

Thailand.

You know, I can't believe you

just f*cking did that.

I'm telling you, I found love

in a hopeless place.

Did you seriously just quote

a Rhianna song

to describe sex with a zombie?

I feel like I'm her Chris Brown,

you know?

You didn't beat her as much.

Terrible euphemism.

Seriously.

You know, I'm not ashamed.

The heart wants what the

heart wants.

No, don't drink it!

What the f*ck, Bro.

It's a bad batch.

He put viper semen in it.

Well, a scientist did.

Since is when a scientist

part of a distillery?

You see, my dad's old Army buddy

is an amateur scientist,

he's the only one we knew how

could distill whiskey.

This was our first batch.

An amateur scientist?

That would be like using an

amateur b*mb tech.

That just shouldn't be a thing.

Is that toxic sh*t even drinkable?

I'm gonna go with a soft, maybe.

f*ck.

We got trouble up ahead.

I don't we can get around

this sh*t, man.

You glorious f*ck cover me,

I'll move the Humvee.

Out of a*mo, going to the truck.

Grab me some mags!

Who's the punk b*tch now?

Where the f*ck are the keys?

f*cking Humvees shouldn't

have keys.

Oh sh*t.

Guys, hold you fire.

Holy sh*t.

Viper semen forever.

What happened?

Amateur scientist for the win.

I think we just found

ourselves a cure.

You've got to be sh1tting me.

Nope.

Well, if the Colonels still alive,

we gotta get to him ASAP.

I can not wait to see the

look on his face

when he finds out the cure

for the zombie apocalypse

came from you.

sh*t is gonna be good, my friend.

Let's go butt f*ck some zombies.

Get back in your vehicle.

This is a secure government installation

and you cannot walk around

here without a PT belt.

Easy there, high speed.

This is my safety.

No PT belt, no access buddy.

Whoa, whoa whoa.

I was just testing you

and you passed.

Now, I don't have any PT belts

but what I do have is some

challenge coins.

Huh, huh?

Is that real?

Are those real?

Oh, they're real my friend.

The f*ck outta here.

There we go.

Oh man!

Now, is the Colonel here

and more importantly is he alive?

Yeah he's alive.

He's at the jock.

Can we keep these?

All yours.

Let's open that gate then, yeah?

Okay, yeah.

Oh.

Alright.

Just kinda.

Kinda put your back into it.

Does it go that way?

It's a new gate.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

What the f*ck just happened?

The Army's real weird about PT belts.

So to keep you safe,

they we're going to sh**t you?

Yeah.

And they didn't because of coins?

You've got to understand.

Challenge coins are like PO kryptonite.

They're defenseless to their power.

You tell that sh*t for brains

I want no more excuses.

I want to hit them.

I want to know how many are

out there.

I want to know who's on...

What?

What the f*ck do we have here?

Mat f*cking Best.

Colonel.

Is that a blow up doll you

got glued

to your c*ck there, Son?

Sort of.

You see, I fell down with my

pants unzipped

and I just kinda..

Oh shut the f*ck up!

Alright.

Now, gentlemen, stand down.

Let me have a moment with

this guy alone.

Alright.

Colonel, it's been a minute.

How you been?

I'm surprised that you two

a*s hats are still alive.

And we found a cure.

Are you serious?

Serious as a heart attack, my friend.

In my office now, Mr. Best.

Got it.

You stay here, Gomer Pyle.

Love what you've done with

the place, Colonel.

It's very,

restoration hardware meets MASH.

Oh, zip your d*ck!

Now, we found the cure,

is about the only words

you could of used to prevent

me from putting my foot

in your a*s.

What's with the hostility, Sir?

Really?

You didn't f*ck my arm less daughter?

This is way better than a

hand job!

Daddy?

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

sh*t!

I am pretty sure I would of

remembered that.

Hey, Daddy,

do you have the barracks keys?

Coming in hot.

What the stump f*ck?

Look at my daughter, Sergeant Best.

Doesn't ring a bell, still?

It's nice to see you from the front.

What is it, Mary?

That Special Ops guy is in

the Mess Hall for you.

Well tell him I still need a minute.

Okay.

So, tell me about this cure.

Why don't you tell me how it happened.

This isn't f*cking Clue!

Take sh*t seriously for once

in your life, Mat.

A plane crashed coming in

from overseas.

We don't know if it was on purpose

or if a passenger unknowingly

had the virus and spread it.

The disease spread like Herpes

in a Fort Bragg barracks.

Right now, all we need to do

is contain it.

Candlestick, library, go.

Well as crazy as it sounds.

The guys and I have been

distilling whiskey

and let's just say we had a

bad crate.

Bad crate of distilled whiskey?

I'm not following.

It was mixed with viper semen.

That sounds like a shitty

internet video

or the plot of a bad movie.

As as ridiculous as it sounds,

it's the truth.

One of my guys smashed a

zombies head

in with the whiskey bottle

and they changed back.

Where's this whiskey now?

It's safe in the Mess Hall.

With the guy from Of Mice and

Men and the chubby one?

I like to consider it the

Ranger Up and article 15.

I'll have one of my guys grab it

and take it over to Range 15.

Why don't you just test it here

and distribute it amongst the people?

Our building was compromised

and most of the scientists

were k*lled.

The remaining ones,

we sent over to Ranger 15.

Well then, we'll just take it

over to Range 15 ourselves.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm not gonna leave the fate

of the world

to you f*ck offs.

No offense Colonel but

I trust us

more than I trust your guy.

Our guys are fearless.

I bet I can fit 14 hot dogs

in my mouth.

I bet I can do 30.

Why would you want to do that?

Because we're fearless!

I prefer my guy.

And who the f*ck is your guy?

Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.

Have you heard of him?

Yeah, I've f*cking heard of him.

f*ck Gene.

You know all that mother

f*ck is is the little..

Hero?

Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham

is America.

I f*cking love that guy.

Everybody loves that guy.

Now, that's the kind man

I want to see my daughter with.

Hell, that's the kind of guy

everybody wants

to see their daughter with.

You know, I'ma be honest with you.

I've been married for over 38

years now

and if Gene Vandenham asked me

to take him in my mouth,

I'd honestly consider it.

God man.

You and your boys can follow

on a convoy behind.

That will be all, Sergeant.

Thanks.

And keep your d*ck in your pants.

I nub you.

as*h*le.

So what happened?

He said their scientists are

at Range 15

and they want f*cking Gene Vandenham

to take the whiskey there

and we get to follow along in

a sweet f*ck train.

f*cking bullshit!

That's our whiskey.

And our viper semen!

Look Matt, sometimes things

can look pretty bleak

but when life gets hard..

Nick, you promised.

No officer sh*t, Bro.

Alright, alright.

Seriously, though.

If Gene takes the whiskey,

we've got a much better chance

of success.

And a much better chance that

none of us get k*lled.

I'm cool with that.

I would of protected you.

Oh yeah?

Let's see, go with the world

renowned hero

or a guy who shoved 14 hot

dogs in his mouth.

Dude, you dogged 14?

Champion!

No, that's not a high five moment.

Every moments a high five moment.

Oh god.

You boys have the whiskey?

Oh yeah.

Hand it over, Son.

I'm sorry, I just..

You, you, you,

just got lost in my eyes?

Relax, it doesn't make you g*y.

It makes you compassionate.

Oh, you're so right, Gene.

I know.

Release.

There's my fat bottomed girl.

Thanks, Guardians of the Galaxy,

I'll keep an eye on you in my

rear view.

Stay close.

You too, second.

f*ck did you just call me?

Seconds.

That's your middle name,

isn't it?

Mat Second Best.

This is like slam poetry.

Genius

Catch ya on the dark side of

the moon,

cheese squeeze.

Keep your ears buttered up

while I set fire to the rain.

What the f*ck does that even mean?

You know what it means?

You don't know where I've been.

Rodney King riots, 1984,

I'm driving through the streets

of (unintelligible) and the

city they call Long Beach.

When a young African American

says to me,

"Hey man, you some kind of GI Joe?

Mr. Jarhead."

I says so what if I am?

And he says, "Well why don't

you suck on my d*ck

and then lick on my ba*ls."

And before he can get that S out,

I squeeze the trig and blew

his brains outs.

The next day, the riots were over.

The moral of the story is this,

why don't you walk 168 miles

in my shoes

with 16 dead soldiers over

your shoulder

before you ask me what the

f*ck that means.

Good day, f*ck faces.

By the way, wear a condom on

that d*ck of yours

if you're eye f*ck me on the

way out like that.

This is Gene's world.

That guy is such a f*cking

celebrity cameo.

Hey man, I don't want to

f*cking be here.

Oh.

Hey, Ron Jeremy.

Your Indiegogo campaign went

so well

you can actually buy people.

You're right, you can go dude, thanks.

Great.

Gene's kinda legit.

Gene is a d*uche bag

and he's treating all of us

like the f*cking B team.

I'm gonna go outside and get

some fresh air.

Let my suck dangle.

Grab a pic.

I knew before it even came

out of my mouth.

Mat, can I come with you?

I haven't said anything in a while.

Sure, Eunice.

Happy Birthday, Matt James.

Mat, are you okay?

I'm fine, Eleanor.

Eliza.

Whatever.

I just hate that Gene Vadendouche.

Everything get's handed over

to him

like I'm some incompetent

clown d*ck.

I don't think your an

incompetent clown d*ck.

I think you're a..

Intense, strong, intelligent,

ripped like a pair of

Def Leppard jeans?

Hear it all the time,

but Gene's always stealing

the spotlight.

Well you can have the spotlight.

You can have two.

Emily, we shouldn't but we're

probably going

to anyways so.

Oh, can you do it in my butt?

I don't want to get pregnant

during the zombie apocalypse.

Kind of hot actually.

Did you eat popcorn?

Yeah, is it sharp?

Oh god.

It smells.

You got to be f*cking kidding me.

Oh sh*t.

We love you, Gene.

We love you man!

You see his jawline?

It's like an angel.

I have energy, guy gives me

energy by his presence.

I want to drink his piss.

What?

Huh?

Come on, Man.

That dude always wants to be

the tip of the spear

but all I see is a giant blue falcon.

Yeah maybe but he's got an

up-armor Humvee.

Not to mention a 50 cal.

And no one manning it.

f*ck that guy.

Guys like that are the reason

I got out.

sh*t man, guys like that are

the reason dudes enlist.

What the f*ck is this as*h*le

doing now?

Zombie!

You girls okay?

Definitely could of k*lled

that guy.

Sure you could of.

Look here, chap stick,

I don't need my as*h*le waxed.

A simple thank you,

your smajesty would suffice.

Not to happen, Gene.

Smell this fire, smokey the bear.

The Colonel just phoned in by satellite.

The zombies are gaining speed.

They could overtake our

vehicles if we're not careful.

According to his Intel,

they're getting close.

Wait, you have a sat phone in

your car?

I got the 2018 Lebronze in there.

They give hand in hand everything.

f*ck.

The Colonel says there's a

helicopter pad

about 26 miles from here that

he wants us to get to

so we're not on the road.

Change of plans, change of pants.

Okay, so you want us to

follow behind you?

Yes, but I'll be on foot.

Can you take the whiskey?

What the f*ck?

I need you to take the

whiskey, d*ck

and hold it with two hands.

Can you handle that soldier

of fortune.

I've got the whiskey.

Someone has to protect us.

There's god,

then there's me.

God must be busy.

Lucky for,

I don't take Sundays off.

Bro, that's gonna be my next tattoo.

I feel like I'm at the alter

and Jesus is packing.

This is all so f*cking stupid.

Why doesn't one of us man the

50 cal

while you drive?

For the same reason

I baptized myself as a baby.

No one guards Gene Vandenham

but Gene Vandenham.

Take the whiskey and be grateful

I am who I am.

Bro, 26 miles is an entire marathon.

I know, I ran Boston last year

and won 46 full kits setting

a new world record.

Try and keep up.

What the f*ck ever, Gene.

f*cking Gene Vandenham.

f*cking got it.

f*cking Gene Vandenham.

You all still realize how

ridiculously stupid this is?

It has nothing to do with necessity,

just his own glory, right?

Sure man

but look at that guy.

He's a one man k*lling machine.

I bet he even nukes those two

toddlers over there.

No Gene, don't k*ll the

zombie toddlers!

Their mission has been aborted!

Seriously hope he steps on a

land mine,

like five of them.

Go, go, go!

I'll cover you.

Gene, you're coming with us!

Negative, no room.

Freedom is calling and I have

to answer.

There is literally an empty

seat designated

for you, Gene.

No offense,

but there's an empty seat

in every single plane in the

United States designated

for me.

Just remember, when you turn back

and see only one set of

footprints in the sand.

It was then, that I carried you.

Wheels up.

f*ck that dude.

Good luck getting out of this

one, Gene,

you c*ck tart!

I got it!

That is what Gene Vandenham does.

He is the only American hero.

God damn!

Why are we going to Range 15?

That place is probably full

of em by now.

Number one,

that's where the scientists are

and we have the cure.

What's number two?

Pooping, pooping is number two.

It's like every time I try

and like you,

I just can't.

There is no number two, Grigsby.

If we don't achieve number one,

we die.

Please refrain.

You know how hard that is?

Let him say it.

Come on, Dude.

You're k*lling his spirit.

I'm gonna k*ll his f*cking microphone.

I can't believe it.

We're actually gonna make it.

You f*ck bag, you just jinxed us.

What?

No I didn't.

Yeah Dude, you did.

That could give us five seconds,

Rain Man.

Hey you feeling alright up

there, Man?

You sure you didn't get bit?

Yeah I did,

right before you guys showed up.

I can feel it growing inside

of me.

This is my last mission.

I just have one request,

if any of you make it,

go find my girlfriend,

she lives in El Paso.

Tell her I love her.

Let's be realistic,

she's probably dead.

What?

I mean, come on,

it's the end of the world

with a bunch of bad asses

barely making it.

A hot girl in El Paso?

She's zombie sh*t by now.

Wait, do zombies sh*t?

Rocco, shut the f*ck up!

I'm just being honest.

He's right.

She's dead and I'm bit.

There's nothing to live for.

Your names JT, right?

Will you hold this?

You're up.

We literally just told him

we have the f*cking cure.

We're gonna f*cking die!

f*ck me.

I'll save us.

You're not gonna save us, Fat Boy,

you're probably gonna take

this whole plane down.

I'm learning to fly but

I ain't got wings.

We're all gonna die because

of your fat a*s.

You fat, fat, fatty f*ck!

I can't even f*cking believe

how fat you are!

Hey, I saved us.

f*ck, f*ck the f*cking whiskey.

How many are left?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Two.

Two, two f*cking bottles?

God damn it!

Shut the f*ck, can we get the cure

and keep f*cking moving?

I'd rather have us f*cking

carry it, you know?

Bro, I got to take a tactical

sh*t dot come.

Shut the f*ck up and let's go.

We got to get into one of

these neighborhoods.

I want my mommy.

Salutations, do you guys like jazz?

You truly cannot really enjoy it

unless it's on vinyl.

That's right.

What the f*ck?

f*ck this, next house.

f*ck this.

Hey wait, wait.

You guys got any supplies we

can have?

I got something that will

make your mustache

stand up.

Holy sh*t.

An anti g*n family that

decided to off themselves

before they got infected.

How does that 2nd amendment

taste now?

Everybody hates g*ns until

you have

to choke f*ck yourself to

death with a hot curling iron.

Touche.

Hey Youtube,

this is Chazz and Parker again

and on today's episode,

we're just ticked.

Ticked, ticked.

You tell em, Chazz.

I'm just gonna unzip my zip here,

whip put my wee wee and piss

on these flags.

There's gonna be 14 stripes

when we're done.

What the f*ck is this?

Oh hell no.

Back the f*ck up.

Baby K*llers.

With great vengeance

And furious anger.

Hey, are you guys here for

the (unintelligible)?

After, we're gonna have an

organic paleo kelp quiche.

No, no, we're good Bro.

Okay, I'll eat all myself.

I'm gonna keep working out.

I'll never get fat.

Hey man, you doing alright?

Everyone's counting on me for everything.

I'm not their leader.

I'm not a leader, I'm not

and to be completely honest

with you dude,

I don't think I can do this

sh*t anymore.

I know the weight of the

world is on your shoulders

right now but it's there for

a reason.

Most people quit the second

things get hard.

You don't.

The annals of history are

written on the backs

of men like you.

Men, who when faced with

overwhelming odds,

when they reached their

breaking point,

looked into the bowels of

hell and smiled.

Men who answered the bell for

one more round.

You're one of those men.

We can do this,

we can rise up against

the impossible and we can

save the world

but we cannot do without you.

We need Mat Best.

Oh god damn it!

Got you mother f*ck.

f*ck.

Great West Point speech, Bro.

f*ck off.

Did you just come up with

that sh*t

on the spot or what?

It's what we do.

Alright, bring it in,

sister to sister,

mother to daughter.

You son of...

You guys do some g*y a*s sh*t

for being in the military.

It's Thursday isn't it?

I f*cking hate you.

It's a love hate relationship, Nick.

It's a hate hate relationship.

I f*cking hate you.

There she is, boys.

That's Range 15?

It looks like a power plant.

That's the point.

Oh, no, no, no.

f*ck!

f*ck, it won't be long now.

Don't talk like that bro.

What the f*ck do you want me

to say,

that everything's going to be okay?

I'm gonna live happily ever after

and you'll come back and f*ck

me in some convenience store?

Dude, she's different, Bro.

You know what?

So am I.

Come on Bro, just take the cure.

That only leave us when one left.

So what,

they're scientists and sh*t.

One is all they need.

Yeah man, you need to take it

before it spreads.

Are you sure?

Yeah brother, you're changing fast.

We have to administer it, rectally.

Uh yeah,

it's crawling up your leg.

Drinking it won't be fast enough.

f*ck that, I know you mother

f*ck are f*cking with me.

Baby, I don't want to lose you,

just take it.

Bro, I'm the medic man,

we got to do this.

Nick, is this legit?

I hate to say it man but

I don't think

we have a choice right now.

You mother f*ck better not

be f*cking with me!

Rocco.

Brother, you're going to feel

a little bit of pressure.

Holy sh*t, holy sh*t,

it's f*cking working.

It's f*cking working.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Why didn't you just drink it, f*g?

g*y!

Oh so g*y, Bro.

Get the f*ck out...

Are you f*cking kidding.

You know I love you man.

Just get the f*cking whiskey.

Everyone spread out,

let's find a way in.

Anybody got anything?

Nothing here, Bro.

Nothing man.

I found something special.

No, he didn't.

I found fat Val Kilmer though.

Jack, you got anything?

Nothing.

Sweet, the Colonels daughter

was easier

to enter than Range 15.

To be fair Bro, she had no arms.

At least my zombie girl had arms.

There's no way you're

comparing the two.

What are we gonna do about

getting in this silo?

I don't know but you better

hurry up real f*cking fast.

Why, Elsie?

Eliza, they're coming.

Guys, we don't have the a*mo

for this.

Bro, we ain't got the time

for this.

I'll get us the f*cking time.

Hey man, I told you.

There's no a*mo in there.

I'm not looking for a*mo.

The most important thing

right is getting the whiskey

into the silo.

Are you sure man?

The cure is more important

than anyone of our lives, right?

Jack, you f*cking stupid c**t.

Guys found the entrance.

Push the f*cking button.

Everybody, lets get inside, quick.

f*cking idiot.

I'm sorry.

Most people don't get

to decide how they go out.

Today I do.

There's a time to run

and a time to fight

and I ain't no bird dog.

You must be the brave soldiers

that Colonel Holloway sent.

This is the cure?

It sure is.

This is the cure?

What is in this sh*t?

Whiskey mixed with viper semen, Sir.

Are you kidding me?

No, it's actually a funny story.

You see..

Oh, I do love a funny story.

I will try now,

I will see if you full of sh*t.

Which I suspect you are.

Oh you stupid pieces of sh*t.

Get out!

Don't let the door hit you on

the a*s.

The f*ck, Bro?

I've seen this sh*t work

twice already.

Would it just k*ll you guys

to pay attention

just once?

Holy sh*t, what the f*ck just happened?

I just saved your life.

You see the whiskey is the

primary element needed

to cure zombies but it requires

an adequate delivery system.

k*ll Cliff is that delivery system.

It's unique blends of caffeine

and vitamins

creates a covalent bond shell

with the viper semen,

protects it, while it

infiltrates the zombie cells.

I kind of would of that it

been obvious.

You (unintelligible) this man is cured.

Kiwi, come here, come here,

come here.

Aye aye, Sir.

Davis, get this to the lab.

Have them replicate it as

fast as possible.

It will be a pleasure and privilege

and to you gentlemen, I say bravo.

Bravo indeed, kiwi.

It's hard to be excited (unintellibalbe).

Oh, that's a whole lot of

f*cking freedom right there.

That's a lot of hard d*ck

right there.

God damn right.

Mat, you're alive.

Bro, I thought we lost you.

Not gonna lie,

I thought I was more f*cked

than JT on a low carb diet.

But then, the zombie slaying

dream team showed up.

There's only a few pairs of

perfect cheekbones

in this world.

It would of been a shame to

lose yours.

Besides, we let you die,

what were chinny chinny bang

bang and tactical Randy

gonna do?

It's been a long couple of days.

I hate to break up this

little d*ck dance

but fixed wing assets are

showing a horde of zombies

heading right this way.

Our doors aren't gonna hold

them back.

f*ck it.

You all wanna get nasty?

f*ck yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there high speeds,

you're not in proper uniforms.

Oh you're haircut is way out

of rank.

Get your hands out of your pockets.

Why is your hand wet?

Is that a d*ck hanging out?

I went to college, I'm not

afraid of running you off..

Smell this.

Was that your butt hole?

You need to shave.

I expect salutes next time, gentlemen.

Oh sh*t.

f*ck you guys, I'm gonna save

the world all by myself.

Come on, mother f*ck,

bring it on.

Just in case we all die,

I want you two to know,

huge fan.

I f*cking love you guys.

Wait, who are these guys?

They're heroes.

I'm sorry, heroes of what?

What the f*ck?

Sorry bout your friend.

Yeah sorry about your loss

and stuff.

Let's all take a moment of silence

for Beatrice's sacrifice.

It's Eliza!

Okay, ready to k*ll some zombies?

Yeah.

I'm gonna miss you,

f*cking stupid wh*re.

You f*cking annoying b*tch.

God you're so gross.

I can't stop k*lling.

Look up there, on the hill.

I'll take the girl!

No, no, no.

b*tch.

Not my cucumber, no, no.

Hey, why don't we just

f*cking sh**t em?

Go home.

That was easy.

Oh f*ck, is that Randy Couture.

No, it's zombie Couture.

I've got this.

Unbelievable, we are here at

the sold out Range 15 area

and this desert valley is electric.

Tim, will you stop dicking around,

we don't have any time for..

Shirts?

I know.

Tim Kennedy versus zombie

Randy Couture

is a fight that many people

wished for

but never thought would

actually happen.

One has to wonder thought how

being a zombie

will affect the former champion.

And that's the question

everyone's asking, Mike

Randy Couture's always been a

very cerebral fighter

but with the lack of a fully

functioning frontal lobe,

how will this impact his style?

I got an idea, let's do this thing.

This fight is brought to you

buy North American Rescue,

Federal Resources supply company,

and the xtreme couture GI foundation.

Now, here we go.

Holy sh*t,

I can't believe this determines

how the f*cking world ends!

Really f*cked up,

like really f*cked up.

Kennedy appears to have

really been working

on his stand up game, Brian.

He looks very alive out there.

I see what you did there, Mike.

He's rocked, Brian.

Kennedy could lose here and

life as we know it

could end.

Hey, never count out a

Greg Jackson trained fighter.

Tim Kennedy was born to be

underneath other men.

Hurry this up, Tim, I'm hungry.

I want snacks!

f*ck him up, f*ck him up.

f*ck him, f*ck him, put it in!

Yeah.

He's got the kimura, Brian.

But, it doesn't really

f*cking matter

because he's a zombie.

Got to admire the toughness

of zombie Couture

and you really have to hand

it to Tim Kennedy here.

He's keeping Randy at arm's length.

I got my arm pulled off too.

Rip off the other one!

Kennedy shoots and he lands

the take down.

Oh Kennedy's locked in the

rear naked choke.

That's in deep, Brian.

But hey, Couture won't tap.

Whoa, it as all over.

Great heads up move by Tim Kennedy

to win that fight and save

our asses.

f*ck yeah, f*ck yeah!

f*cking ruin his credit score.

That's some bad a*s sh*t, Tim.

Wait, why the f*ck did we

leave our g*ns back there?

How else are we gonna have a

final epic battle?

Wait, epic battle?

I am so tired of you guys

smashing your dicks together.

f*ck this.

Just when you thought the

night couldn't

get any more intense,

it's Danny Trejo's zombie.

Who the f*ck saw this coming.

That's all me.

Over my dead body.

You know, Mike,

Danny Trejo was the San Quentin

boxing champion for five years

in two different weight classes.

However, one has to wonder

what a voracious appetite

for human flesh and an inability

to feel pain will do for his

skill set.

Looks once again like we're

about to find out.

I got this!

Tom is making a classical

mistake here, Mike,

in that he really doesn't know

that the f*ck he's doing.

Danny Trejo is a certified

bad a*s

who now has supernatural powers.

He's a little f*ck, isn't he?

Good initiative, bad judgment.

Who's the mother f*cking hero now?

Man, jumping on dud doesn't

meant sh*t.

Mother f*ck!

He's hurt, Brian.

Now put a cat tourniquet on this.

Come on, hurry the f*ck up.

I'm trying, quit squirting.

I got this.

Mike, it looks like they're gonna

go with the team approach now.

In the military,

we call this an envelopment,

where you surround the enemy

and force him

to fight you on multiple directions.

Or, they're just gonna go at

him one by one.

Like f*cking morons.

Straight shot to the wedding tackle,

Brian, it's all over.

And then he popped his

favorite sex doll.

Trejo remains cold as ice.

Careful, guys.

I'm big as f*ck Bro,

he can't hurt me.

Wow, Mike,

he just chopped him down

like a wet pine tree.

Is it me or did you think he'd

have a better chin?

Well, I think he would of had

a better chin.

We're down to two and he's

taunting them.

Trejo is really a next level zombie.

Yeah, I hate to say it,

cause it likely means the end

of the world,

but he's just at a different

zombie level right now.

Eeeny, meany, meenie, moe!

Looks like zombie Trejo's identified

his next victim, Mike.

Wow, that was just bad.

He's Air Force, Mike.

And we're down to one.

Looks like Nick is rushing Trejo.

Well that worked out great

for, Tom.

He's teeing off,

he won't remember this.

Like a goat at an !sis

convention, Mike,

he's f*cked.

What are we doing?

We have to get to a place of observation.

Here comes the fatal bite.

Saved by Kennedy.

I'm worried here, Mike.

Tim is still exhausted from

zombie Couture.

Now, lets not count Kennedy

out yet.

As a special forces operator,

he's been in worse spots then this.

I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Trejo!

Now what just one minute.

Mat is still up.

This guys kinda growing on me, Brian.

Like e coli on pig carcass, Mike.

Thanks man.

I owed you for earlier.

It's a f*cked up day.

I loved him in Machete.

Blue leader six,

this is striker 3-1.

Give me some nam cans on the remainders.

Get it out to me, Sandy,

I'd do it for you!

We did it.

We saved America.

America sure is beautiful,

isn't she?

How beautiful?

♪ Oh beautiful

♪ For spacious skies

♪ For amber waves of grain

♪ For purple mountains majesty

♪ Above the fruited plains

♪ America

♪ America

♪ God shed his grace on thee

♪ And crowned thy good

♪ With brotherhood

♪ From sea to shining sea

I want to see every single

one of you mother f*ck

in the hallway, right now!

Morning, Colonel.

At ease, you son of a b*tch.

I can't believe you did it.

I can't believe you doubted

the team.

That's just as well.

The President will be coming

in at 0900 hours

to address the nation.

He wants you front and center

with him on stage

as he makes his speech.

You're a hero.

Sorry Sir, but I'm not going

up on that podium

without the team.

We did this together.

Selfless, I like that.

You and your entire team can

be on stage

for the big moment.

You guys did a great thing

for your country.

It's only right you should

all be there.

Thank you, Colonel.

No, thank you.

You're finally living up to

your potential, Mat.

And I was wrong about you.

You guys have a couple of hours

to go in and get something to eat

and if you want to be on stage,

I suggest you figure out a

way to get that doll

of your c*ck, Son.

Sir, one more thing.

Did you just decide not to

shave this morning or?

It's the end of the world,

f*ck you.

I'm sure the scientists have something

to take your doll of your d*ck, Dude.

What if I don't want it off?

What, what do you mean?

There is no glue.

It's just Velcro.

Tanisha, she's more than a

rubber f*ck puppet to me.

She's therapy.

She's my security blanket.

My best friend.

She's the only person I know

that I can really open up to.

I mean really open up to.

She doesn't judge me,

she just listens.

I had no idea man.

Everybody thought I went to Wal-Mart

to get some sort of epoxy remover

to get her off my johnson

but the truth is, I just wanted

to take her out on a date.

I love you, Brother.

Love you too man

but I'm gonna need you to get

your d*ck off of me.

Alright, let me get a little

fresh air exposed

to it for a minute.

Why don't you take a couple

and go regroup yourself, right?

Thanks, Bro.

I gotta bounce, Bro.

The President is on his way

here right now.

Yeah, but I have some stuff

I got

to take care of Bro.

sh*t bigger than the President?

Yeah.

Sorry, Bro.

Gotta go.

Are you hungry Dude?

Yeah man.

Let's go get some food.

You guys want anything?

Yeah, we'll be there in a minute.

Alright.

Crazy couple of days, huh?

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

So, I was thinking,

maybe after this whole thing

blows over,

you and I can like get away

or something.

Yeah, f*ck it.

Let's do...

You broke me down.

Let's do it.

Let's go to Sandals Jamaica.

We just lay in bed and order

room service

for fuel to f*ck each others

brains out

all day, all night,

is that what you want?

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, you lose

a little bit of weight,

get yourself down to a cool 185,

I'll make that happen.

Deal?

Oh yes, deal.

Great.

You want some food?

There's a truckload of

freedom fudge outside.

Well, I probably shouldn't.

Technically I haven't slept

so it's still my cheat day.

Yeah of course, sure.

In a few moments, the President

will speak live about the

military containment

of the mysterious virus that

has plagued

the United States and

neighboring countries

in North and South America

for the last three days.

It is believed that one of

them is responsible

for saving man kind.

My fellow Americans,

as you are all painfully aware,

the last few days since the

crash of an aircraft

carrying an unknown virus,

have been full of sorrow,

heartache, and deep despair.

We lost nearly half of our

population in the outbreak

and that's a loss...

Holy sh*t, Marcus you made it?

Damn right.

I'm Marcus Luttrell,

f*cking live forever.

Can't you Seals just let us

have one f*cking movie?

Absolutely not.

I hate to single out individuals

but there is one man who's courage,

who's actions,

who's tenacity stood head

and shoulders above all others.

This is a man who truly

understands the concept

of country before self.

It's f*cking you man.

It's f*cking us.

He saved our way of life,

he saved America.

Ladies and gentleman,

Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.

I want to you know, you're

still 2nd best in my eyes.

I'm proud of the man you

might become one day.

You know when I saw that

video of Gene

taken from one of our space satellites,

I just knew that we would have

to give him yet another

medal of honor.

Well done, Gene.

What marvelous images, in the

midst of a zombie apocalypse,

Gene get's this incredible video.

He took the crew and the

camera and shot it himself.

Also, there's a promotional video

that's gonna be out of me

k*lling zombies,

in about 13 days it's gonna

be $69.99,

that's eight easy installments.

Lots of people wonder what

they would

do if the world is ending.

Our story might not be normal

but I learned some important

life lessons.

Tim Kennedy's abs are to die for.

That was pun for you, the audience.

Also, JT will never get laid

and k*lling zombies was

actually pretty easy.

Thanks global w*r on terror.

And most importantly, love is

the most powerful emotion

and Rocco, well he found love

in a hopeless place.

God damn, Mat.

Wake the f*ck up.

Your phone's been ringing all

f*cking morning.

What?

Oh my god.

What the f*ck was that?

You would think saving the

f*cking world

would let you keep your job

but I'm fired, again.

If you want,

I can always get you a job

as a janitor at the all girls

college I work at.

Why didn't we think of that before?

Consider it done.