I mean, it's extraordinary,
their meeting like that
and not realising
they had a connection.
-And how did they meet, exactly?
-Dad! -I told you.
Beth heard Kitty
singing in a pub.
-I did tell him. And it was here.
-Here?
Well, not here. A pub in Hebden
Bridge, but I shouldn't think
it would be this one. I mean,
didn't you say it was...
-Bit of an icky-sticky carpet pub.
-Spit and sawdust. -And then what?
Does Beth go around picking up
women in disreputable pubs nowadays,
Martin? Is that what
you've reduced her to?
-Can you pass the mayo, Dad?
-No! -Dad...
No, she was looking for a singer
for this comedy rock band.
For this do, this, this
charity do this evening.
-Ah! So?
-So she was just walking past a pub
and she heard this amazing
voice, so in she went,
and Kitty really can sing.
-Mm-hm. -Apparently.
-Mmm.
I mean, possibly not
Maria Callas, but...
And so no more information
yet about who...
...who your...ah,
biological father is, Tom?
Erm...
-We've only ever actually met her that once so...
-Oh, really? - Mm.
So this is only the second
time you'll have actually...
Well, they were going to come to
us in Sheffield, Beth and Kitty,
for something to eat. But we never
seemed to be able to fix a date,
did we? Then we were going to go up
there again, but it didn't happen.
So, yeah... No, apart
from the odd text.
You know, it will
probably take some time
before she's able to talk
about something like that...
Course it will,
of course it will.
I mean, you don't know if she
was r*ped, if it was incest...
Beth, Beth, Beth.
We've always thought
you were a bit g*y.
That's very sweet,
Fearne, but I'm not g*y.
-Kitty's...
-I'm your birth mother.
H-how... How do you...
How do you know?
Cos I had a letter a few weeks
ago. From the adoption services,
-after you got in touch with 'em.
-The dates all match. And the ages.
I mean, we need to verify
it, of course, but...
...it seems pretty conclusive.
S-so how... How come
that YOU found, erm...
-Kitty.
-..before me?
It was honestly a complete
fluke. We got to know each other
before either of us knew that
we had any kind of connection.
You should have told me.
Before... Before we came...
She tried to. She left a load of
messages for you to phone her back.
But you didn't.
Are you all right?
-Yeah.
-Are you, Kitty?
You deserve better than this.
You come in here and the first
thing you do is tell your mu...
You get your wife to tell your
mother why you can't stay long,
even though you haven't been here
for months. And then you look me
up and down like I'm
something you've just trod in
when you haven't got a
f*cking clue who I am.
And then you tell her you're
going on holiday with your dad
cos you're "worried
he's lonely".
What about her? Have you any idea
what she's been through lately?
This kind, brilliant woman.
No, you don't. You've no idea
because you never see her,
and you never f*cking ask!
-Kitty, don't.
-What do you mean?
Erm, I-I've just been a bit
low recently. That's all.
-Have you? Why?
-Oh...
-I'll go. - No, no, don't. Please don't.
-What did you want me for?
I mean, was there a particular
reason why you wanted to contact me
now or... you just want
to know what I look like?
We, erm...
We were thinking about
starting a family.
Really? Oh!
And...
Well, I think that's
what prompted it,
if there was any medical history
that we should know about.
Medical...
I don't think so.
I don't know. I've no idea.
-I'm sorry, Beth. I am going to go.
-No, please. Kitty. Don't.
Well...
...what've you been
depressed about?
Oh, you know. Granny.
Work. Being on my own.
And I'm just at that age.
Erm, so...
Anxiety, insomnia, apathy,
low mood, brain-fog.
Feeling like you're
disappearing down a black hole.
Drowning. Going mad.
Fading away. Just...
...that sort of thing.
Look, I don't want you two
to get off on the wrong foot.
And I did ring you
last night, Tom.
TRICIA: - Oh! What time is it?
Doors open at seven and we don't
want to be sitting at the back.
Or do we?!
♪ Let's start a riot
♪ We won't be quiet
♪ Riot women gonna set
this world on fire. ♪
HUMS
Do you feel randy?
-I feel nervous.
-No, I mean since we went to t'doctor's.
Oh, the HRT? Yes! I do.
It comes over me every now and
again in the most unlikely moments.
Which is bizarre and delightful
cos I had thought all
that was behind me.
Do you know what? Right now I
could shag anything that moves.
Anything with a pulse.
I mean, anything.
Either that or I'm going to have to
go into toilets and sort myself out.
Not in the infants', Kitty.
Come in with me if you
want, finish me off.
I wouldn't know where to start!
Don't be so disingenuous.
I'm going to stop teaching
you all those big words.
Maybe it's nerves. Maybe
it's the adrenaline.
No, I think it
probably is the HRT.
You know, I've started to
feel about 100 years younger
-in the last few weeks.
-You look great.
-So do you.
-Come on, then. It'll only take two minutes.
I'm on fire.
I'm very fond of you, Kitty.
And it's sweet of you to offer.
But, contrary to what Fearne thinks,
a deep dive into lesbianism
at this late stage
is not on the top of my
list of things to do.
We need to get you a fella!
You know Martin's
coming, don't you?
Oh, the thing is with Martin,
though, he's long gone, baby.
I know. I'm just saying.
Oh, and the in-laws.
Bloody hell. You wait
till you meet them.
- POSH ACCENT: - "Oh,
yes, we must come."
"Anything for the
refugees. Ha, ha, ha-ha!"
Course it's all arse-wipe.
They couldn't give a
f*ck about the refugees.
They're just coming
to gawp at you.
Well, they'll be
disappointed, won't they?
What're we going to do about this
low opinion you have of yourself?
Dunno. Drown me in a bucket?
Do you feel like that
when you're singing,
on stage in front of people
with that fabulous voice?
No.
-Tom hates me.
-Don't say that.
I mean, I don't care. I
mean, I do, but, you know.
As long as you and
him are all right.
He doesn't know you.
But he will. In time.
f*ck's sake! I can't
use me own kit.
-Why?
-I've got to use the drum kit belonging to the fella
from that grandad band because
there isn't time to take more than
one kit on and offstage during the
performance and they've all decided,
in advance, without consulting me -
because, you know, why would they?
That we're using his kit.
But he's being a twat and he won't
let me practise with it properly,
which wouldn't be a problem if
his hi-hat and his snare weren't,
like, f... king way up there.
And his crash and his ride
weren't way out there!
So, look, if it all goes t*ts
up in the percussion section,
-you'll know why.
-Jess... Jessie. -Oh!
Look, I'm so sorry. It's crazy.
Please don't fall out with me!
Look, we've had so many
entries and if I have to clear
the entire rostra between acts we
are going to be here till midnight.
Charlie, it's fine. We'll
work with whatever's there.
We're can-do people, we're
focused on the refugees.
I mean, we have been practising
solid for, like, six weeks,
you know, but if it's more
important for him to show off
his shiny new trap rather than be
fair or reasonable, you know...
No, I actually
feel sorry for him.
-Are we having a sound check?
-Yes. -When?
-Well, the rest of your band is out there now.
-What?
That's what we're doing!
OK, so we don't have long.
-Hallelujah.
-You should've text us.
Yeah, cos I'm your PA.
Jess, do you want
to try this again?
I've adjusted
everything down a notch
so it's not too high for
you, not too low for me,
and I've pulled the crash and
the ride in an inch or so.
Come and have a go.
-See what I mean?
-b*stard.
BABY GURGLES
I think she's upset.
Inez has joined the PTA now
she's stepped down, so...
She needs to be on
HRT like rest of us.
-She'd soon get over sh*t like that.
-Language.
Kitty? Look at this.
Yvonne delivered this
baby six week ago!
-I'm with Jacob.
-Hiya.
He's been helping
Yvonne with her guitar.
Do you want a cuddle?
No. I'll start lactating. I
get ridiculous with babies.
f*ck's sake. It's only a
baby. They're ten a penny.
Come on, we haven't got so
long. Can't you do that later?
Come on. Let's get cracking.
I need to nip out and get
some supplies before kick-off
-or I'll be climbing up the walls.
-Where's Holly? -Toilet.
-She's got diarrhoea.
-And our Nisha doesn't get off till six.
She did tell you
that, didn't she?
Oh, here she is!
Oh, you're so nervous
you've shat yourself?
It's not that big a gig, love.
I knew this'd happen.
Ah... Take your guitar
to t'toilet with you?
Yeah, well, I couldn't get it
off, could I? I had to waddle out
-so fast.
-It's all that arse-action you've been involved with, innit?
Is it nerves, Holly? Will
you be able to go on?
Yeah. What I'm
really nervous about
is the fact that me mother's
decided she's coming.
So I've had to persuade
Adam and Carl to bring her
and so it's been all...
"What if she needs tekkin' to
t'toilet? I'm not tekkin' her!"
Oh! It's like, why? Why?
Why can't they just rise
-to the occasion now and again...?
-PHONE RINGS
-...without turning everything into a...
-Hiya.
- LOUDLY INTO MIC: -
..f*cking opera? Sorry.
Are we doing this?
-You what?
-I can't come. I can't get there.
You're joking.
Sergeant Arsehole's just dropped
three hours compulsory overtime
on us all cause Scunthorpe's
beaten Halifax 5-0 at home,
so all the numpties
are going to get pissed
-and kick each other's heads in.
-Hold on, babe.
They've just dropped three hours
compulsory overtime on 'em all
cos Scunthorpe have
beat Halifax 5-0 at home
so they need extra policing cos all
the numpties are going to get pissed
-and kick each other's heads in, apparently.
-No! - sh*t.
I'm going to look like a right
turnip doing these moves on me own!
Hang on. No, wait. Why don't I...?
I can move you down the programme.
So I had you on at the
end of the first act,
but if you went at
the very end, then...
BABY CRIES
...yeah.
Cos...
-Yeah.
-We won't be over by half past nine. Not even close.
-Thank God! Did you hear that?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Right, are we doing this sound check or what?
-Yeah.
-One, two. What... Can you put this on, please?
One, two. One, two. One...
BAND PLAYS
♪ My, my
♪ At Waterloo Napoleon
did surrender... ♪
INDISTINCT CHAT
-Right, I'm getting chewing gum, chocolate..
-Yep. - ..f*gs.
Imodium.
Kitty?
Kitty?
Hey!
Kitty!
Kitty!
Hey!
Sake!
What am I f*cking running
for? I'm not f*cking running.
-Don't you f*cking touch me!
-I'm not going to touch you, Kitty.
-I just... I just want to talk to you.
-What about?
-You look amazing. -Oh, f*ck off.
-Look, I'm not with Shelley any more.
We never went to Antigua.
Well, I didn't. She took
the kids and her mother.
I'm living in the flat, our
flat. She wants a divorce.
-Oh, fascinating.
-Look, come back to me.
What? I'm serious.
You got your mates, because
you're such a f*cking coward,
you got your mates from the rugby
club to come and knock me about
and chuck me out on the street
with nothing - literally, nothing.
And now you want me to come back?
I ended up in hospital that night.
Yeah, but it didn't stop you
smashing up my Jaguar the next day,
-did it? Come on, Kitty.
-You think that makes us even?
Yeah, we both made mistakes.
-I haven't even started.
-Look, I'm sorry.
I miss you.
No.
You miss having someone who can
supply you with A-grade sh*t
to shove up your nose.
And do the kind of contortions
in bed your wife wouldn't do.
I've moved on.
I've got stuff to
do. So, seriously,
f*ck off!
Oh...
SHE RETCHES
Oh, you f*cking...
You... filthy f*cking wh*re.
You'll die in a
ditch one day, you.
SHE GASPS
Like you deserve,
like all the rest of your...
...dirty, nasty family.
f*ck's sake, you mucky b*tch!
-Right, come on, you. - Are we getting out?
-Yeah. - Are we getting...?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Right.
-Step to the side, will you?
-Hello. -Hiya, Nancy.
Come on.
-Where are we going?
-Here. Thank you.
- MAN: - So I was
just standing there,
not thinking about
anything really...
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, there's a queue.
Is it definite
now, about this...
...Kitty lady?
Yeah, we've had the documents.
And so how do you feel about it?
She won't talk about who
my biological father is,
so I just have to assume that...
Yeah, he wasn't a
very nice person.
"r*pe, incest"?
Maybe.
-Maybe not.
-Well, don't you think that if it was at all palatable
she would have told me?
-Either that or...
-What?
She doesn't want to talk
about it because she was...
-...complicit in it.
-Complicit?
At 12? No.
All right, not complicit, but...
I... I was talking
to a friend. At work.
And when I said her name,
he went like, "Oh, my God."
And then he told me
about this podcast.
Gangs Of The North.
And there is literally
one about her family.
The Eckersleys. Keith Eckersley.
Deeply, seriously,
unsavoury people.
So how do I feel about her?
I don't know is the answer.
It's just... not...
I thought we'd have things to
say to each other - we didn't.
The whole lunch was just
awkward. It was ridiculous.
I mean, I had no
idea it was coming.
Yeah, it does sound like it
was handled rather badly.
I always imagined...
...that I'd like her, and...
...I don't know that I do.
-Oh, here she is! Miranda, we need you!
-Miranda... - Why?
-Right, it's not entirely impossible that Nisha...
-It's possible...
...isn't going to get here
on time, so we wondered...
We wondered if you'd step in with
Kam, to do the backing vocals.
I can teach you the moves.
Uh... Why me?
Cos you've heard your mum
warbling all our numbers,
at the top of her voice,
apparently, at your house.
-So?
-Oh, I can't sing.
Well, neither can I! That's
our USP, Nisha and me -
we're hopeless. Look,
she will get here.
It's just so, if she
doesn't - which she will -
I don't have to do the
moves on my own. That's all.
Uh, OK.
THEY CHEER
-Good girl.
-Oh, my God. Is there somewhere we can rehearse,
-not in front of everybody?
-Yeah, come with me. -Yeah!
-A tiny bit. A tiny bit.
-But it's a big 'un. It is a big 'un.
MUSIC: Don't Bring Me Down
by Electric Light Orchestra
♪ You got me runnin',
goin' out of my mind
♪ You got me thinkin'
that I'm wastin' my time
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ I'll tell you once more
before I get off the floor
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ You wanna stay out
with your fancy friends
♪ I'm tellin' you,
it's gotta be the end
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ I'll tell you once more
before I get off the floor
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ Don't bring me down, groos
♪ Don't bring me down, groos
♪ Don't bring me down, groos
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ What happened to the
girl I used to know? ♪
Kam was going to teach
Miranda her moves
just in case Nisha
doesn't get here on time.
♪ Don't bring me down
♪ No, no, no, no, no... ♪
PHONE RINGS
sh*t... I'm busy.
-Where are yer?
-I'm not at The Duke. I'm doing something else
this evening, so don't even
bother showing up there.
-I know you are. I'm here.
-Where?
Well, I went to t'Duke and
somebody said you were here.
-So where you sitting?
-Here? You're at the school?
Affirmative. I'm stood at
the back. Where are yer?
How've you got in? Tickets
sold out weeks ago.
Yeah, I lifted a couple from
this old fella's jacket pocket.
It's a shame, but they'll probably
let him in anyway, won't they?
Him and his missus.
-He's lost the ticket. We can't find them.
-What's the name?
Somebody said I get a
free drink wi' me ticket?
Oh, Jesus Christ! What the
f*ck are you doing 'ere?
I've got some intel for you about
your dad. Where are you sat?
No, I'm not... I'm not there. What
intel have you got about me dad?
You kidding me, man? I've
got me tea sorted now.
I'm not... in the audience.
I'm with one of the acts.
Oh! OK.
-What about me dad?
-OK, everyone got a seat?
-What about me dad?
-Oh, there's two seats just here.
No, Charlie! These are saved
for Auntie Mary and Dyson.
OK. Well, ah...
KITTY: Are you there?
Are you listening?
Oh, there's one
empty one along here.
-Spongebob?
-Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Right, look, I better go.
It's kicking off, so
I'll find you after.
-Is there an interval?
-Yeah. I don't know. -Break a leg!
Thanks.
-Pardon me.
-I have had the pleasure of watching the acts rehearse
before today, and let me tell
you, you're in for a treat.
It's so wonderful to
gather the school...
Would you mind holding me that,
love, while I open my crisps?
-Sure.
-..for such an important cause,
and all proceeds from tonight's
events will be going to charity.
-And your generosity will provide...
-PACKET RUSTLES LOUDLY
...essential resources to
those who are most in need.
So, together, we can make a
real difference to refugees
-who are seeking safety... -Here.
-..hope and a new beginning.
INCOHERENT CHANTING
-You're chewing.
-I'm not chewing.
-I can hear you chewing.
-I'm sucking.
Let's have a look, then.
-I'm not chewing!
-Let's see it, then.
Mm.
DISTANT SIRENS
Oh, no. No way, no
way! You've cheated.
-You've put another one in.
-When? When have I?
-You'd have seen me do it.
-All right, come on. Best of three.
Oh, whoa.
That's right, love.
You stroll on.
BANGING ON CAR
-Wahey!
-Pack it in!
Let it go. Let it go.
-How does that work, then? Woohoo!
-CAR HORN BEEPS
-Knob.
-Yup.
RADIO: - Nine-six-seven-five,
are you free?
Landlord at The Old c*ck has
got some lads kicking off.
There's a fight escalating. There's
six or seven of them apparently
and he's requesting
police presence.
SIREN WAILS
-Seriously, you got a band together in six weeks?
-Yeah!
-Nine-six-seven-five, code six.
-Received.
What, you can all play all your
instruments and everything?
-Yeah. We're sh*t-hot. -Are you?
-Nah, but we have a laugh.
Well, they're having a bloody
laugh. What am I doing?
SHOUTING
-Pack it in!
-Ah!
-I'm going to k*ll him, and his f*cking girlfriend!
-f*ck off!
Bollywood, did you know
your little piggy-wagon's
-had a little accident outside?
-f*ck's sake!
Are you going to get your
t*ts out for us, love?
Unscrew the light
bulb, pat the dog.
Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding...
-You're under arrest.
-sh*t! -Leg it!
-Split up - go that way!
-Going left on Albion Street.
White male, grey trainers,
light grey joggers,
has gone up King Edward Street.
I've got him. Got
him down a dead end.
You're under arrest for criminal
damage. Do you understand?
-No.
-Up against that wall.
-I didn't do anything - I was just telling you.
-Against the wall!
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention
when questioned something
-you later rely on in court.
-Oh, yeah? -Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
Do you understand?
-Put that down.
-Yeah? -Put that down.
-Yeah?
-Put it down!
-Grab her stick!
-Nine-six-seven-five, urgent assistance...
Smash her camera.
Smash her radio!
Get her f*cking kegs off!
COMEDIC SINGING OF MOZART'S
DER HOLLE RACHE ARIA
A CAPPELLA VOCAL HARMONIES
♪ You had no time
for a wife or child
♪ People thought it strange... ♪
APPLAUSE
And then I realised they
were talking about my baby,
not my husband.
LAUGHTER
...to help me so if you wouldn't
mind just putting your hands up...
CHEERING
...to help me, please,
that would be really... Rubbish
trick - let's get rid of that.
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
TUNING GUITAR STRINGS
-Kitty, can I nick some more of your vodka?
-Sure.
-Kitty, can I? I'll pay you back.
-You're not paying me back, kid.
-You're all going to be pissed by the time we go on.
-Yay!
CROWD LAUGHS
-Keep your nerve, women.
-I just think it'd be, you know, quite something
if we didn't make
fools of ourselves.
Oh, God. We're not going
to make fools of ourselves.
We are totally going to
make fools of ourselves.
That's why we're here, isn't it?
-That's the interval folks!
-Any good?
Yeah! I don't think we've got
any real competition, though.
INDISTINCT CHAT
No, I don't... I
don't want that.
So, do you have
children at the school?
Me? No.
I'm 'ere to see, er...
...me girlfriend. Yeah,
she's in one o' the acts.
-Oh, really? Which one?
-Oh, no, she hasn't been on yet.
Oh.
PHONE RINGS
This'll be her now.
-Kitty?
-Spongebob, you knob, are you there? - Hiya.
-Where are yer?
-I want you to meet me outside.
In the infants' playground,
round the front.
-It's very good, I'm enjoying meself.
-What do you know?
He's here. He's in England.
He's been extradited from wherever
he was and he's in Wakefield Prison.
How do you know?
Well, I know somebody who
visits somebody in there.
When?
How long's he been there?
-Pass.
-Why wasn't it in the news?
It probably was. Have
you not Googled him?
Do you mind if I get back inside?
Only, the fella said to be quick
getting another drink, cos he
wanted to crack on wi' second half.
Yeah, yeah.
Nine-eight-three-seven. I'm
in Shakespeare Street now.
Oh, it's dark.
RADIO: Nine-eight-three-seven
receiving.
RADIO: Keep us updated.
I can't see anybody.
Hang on.
I've found a radio.
And her bodycam.
Nisha!
Nisha!
GROANING
You've got yourself into a
right pickle here, haven't you?
You daft b*tch.
Get me down.
Get me...
Yeah, I will do. I will do.
Just take a few
snaps for me mates.
You don't mind, do you?
No, course you don't.
Why would yer?
CAMERA CLICKS
Nine-eight-three-seven. I've
got Nisha, I've found her.
She's been beaten up and
cuffed to some railings.
Can I have
supervision down here?
RADIO: Nine-eight-three-seven,
all received, aware and en route.
Contacting ambulance...
Go on, pull your pants up.
I'm not even tempted.
Telling f*cking Holly to go
upstairs and squeal to boss.
Smart move. Not.
Jesus. Let's get you down.
HE GRUNTS
Whoops.
♪ My weight
♪ So let it flow
♪ Oh, sit down, oh, sit down,
♪ Oh, sit down
CROWD: - ♪ Sit down next to me
♪ Sit down, down,
down, down, down, down
♪ In sympathy... ♪
PHONE: Hi, this is
Nisha. Please leave a...
I don't get it! She
should be here by now!
She should have been
here half an hour ago!
-Have you texted?
-Yeah.
-Can you ring where she works?
-What, 999?
-No. There'll be an office number.
-Oh.
Oh, my God, we're
going to be on soon.
You'll be all right, kid. It's just
for a laugh, it's just for fun.
-Where are you going?
-Find out where the others are.
♪ When you feel all
♪ Alone... ♪
f*cking hell!
♪ Now I've come back down again
♪ It's worse than
it was before... ♪
-What're they doing, all sat together?
-Who?
Mary...
sh*t, they're good.
Do y'know what, I've seen
hundreds of bands like this.
You know, technically
they're OK.
But they're not... they're
not saying anything,
They're not doing anything new.
We shouldn't sing Waterloo.
We should do the menopause
song you and Kitty wrote.
-We haven't practised it!
-Yes, we have! - Ish. - I agree.
We might as well be
properly unashamedly punk
and not give a sh*t
if it's not perfect!
-And if they don't like it...
-BOTH: - f*ck 'em.
-Is this the vodka speaking?
-What if it is?
You're on in five, Riot Women.
The last two acts before you
have now officially dropped out
due to technical issues,
so I've just got Mr Toplis and
his Magical Musical... Kittens.
-And then you're on.
-You're kidding! -I need the toilet!
Yeah, I-I-I'm fine. This
is the song I know best,
it's the one she's always
belting out around the house.
-Are you all sure about this? We're not doing Waterloo?
-No.
-No, we're not.
-And there's no moves, cos we've never invented any.
So just go for it, just give it
loads of welly on the chorus.
I can't believe I'm doing this
in front of Tricia and Graham.
-Fearne's parents.
-What about me?
I've got to do it in front
of Chloe and f*cking Inez!
They're out there now,
sat with Auntie Mary and Dyson,
laughing their f*cking heads off.
God's sake, Mother! Stop
slagging Inez off! Move on!
For your own sake, if
not everybody else's!
What-what-what happened
again with f*cking Inez?
It was me dad being
a creepy old tosser!
Coming onto anything that
moves, including Inez.
And her refusing to see what
a philandering pig he was!
So she'd rather blame Inez - for
telling her the truth about me dad.
Or say it were about Inez
setting up her own place
when it wasn't. She
thought the world o' you!
Well, I can't say I'm any the
wiser, to be honest. But, er...
You're on in less than 30
seconds, ladies! Come on!
Let's boogie-woogie!
-Oh, come, come, quick!
-Come on!
Come on! Let's have this
conversation afterwards.
DISTANT CHEERING
You can do this.
You're all right, come on now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow! Absolutely wonderful!
Wasn't that splendid?
So original, so clever, I'm
a fan, I'm a big, big fan.
Oh! Right, OK.
The next act is the final act of
the evening, ladies and gentlemen.
-AUDIENCE: Aww.
-I know, I know, can you believe it?
-I never thought we'd get here.
-LAUGHTER
I have to admit, I'm
extremely excited about this.
And they were one of the
first acts to sign up.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's the Riot Women!
CHEERING
WHISTLING
Thanks. Thank you.
AUDIENCE QUIETENS
WOLF-WHISTLE
-f*ck off!
-Oh, inappropriate.
We were going to do a
cover of an Abba song
but we've changed our minds.
We're going to do a song that
me and Beth wrote last week, so,
it might not be up to much. We might
have to make it up as we go along.
-Woo!
-Join in if you want.
Oh...
It's about the menopause.
Yeah! SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Woo!
LAUGHTER
Woo!
Yeah!
♪ I'm so depressed,
I can't get dressed
♪ Having trouble hiding
my lack of interest
♪ Blood stains pouring like rain
♪ Borderline anaemic
from bleeding all day
♪ My time's waning, it
feels like I'm fading
♪ Doctor told me
to stop complaining
♪ If it happened to
blokes, God only knows
- ♪ We'd be getting HRT from
Tesco - ♪ Am I invisible?
-Woo!
-♪ Am I untouchable?
♪ Am I unlovable?
♪ Are you uncomfortable?
♪ And I'm seeing red,
red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red! I'm seeing red,
red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red!
♪ I'm angry, I'm nice,
I'm fuming, I'm fine
♪ Mood swings leave me
feeling like Jekyll and Hyde
♪ Buckle up, it's
about to get rough
♪ I'm on a roller coaster
and I wanna get off
♪ I've got a UTI,
I've got no drive
♪ Big surprise, my
libido took a nosedive
♪ Night sweats,
too tired for sex
♪ Lie awake thinking
'bout k*lling my ex
♪ Am I invisible?
♪ Am I untouchable?
♪ Am I unlovable?
♪ Are you uncomfortable?
Woohoo!
♪ I'm seeing red, red,
red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red!
♪ I'm seeing red, red,
red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red!
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT
♪ Give me HRT!
♪ I'm seeing red,
red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red!
♪ I'm seeing red, red,
red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!
♪ Red!
♪ I'm seeing red!
♪ I'm seeing red!
♪ I'm seeing red!
♪ I'm seeing red! ♪
Woo!
CHEERING
Thanks. Thank you.
-I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
-No, Mum,
-it's not that. - I shouldn't drag you all into it.
-It's not that.
-It's Kam's family - they've all walked out.
-What? - What happened?
Kam's... Kam's family
have all walked out.
-What? -Oh, my God.
-What?
-What?
-What is it?
"Nisha's been involved
in some sort of accident.
-"We've gone to the hospital. Your song was lovely."
-I've got to go.
-What sort of accident?
-Is she conscious?
-Oh, my God.
-Right, I'm coming with you.
-We'll all come with you.
-No, don't. There's no point, honestly.
It's better if you stay
here. Ring your mum, love.
Find out which hospital
they've taken her to.
Come on, I'll drive you.
Look, I'll, erm... I'll phone
you when we know anything.
Oh, my God.
Do we have a result?
Ah! Yes, we do!
CROWD OOHS
I can now reveal that
in third place...
Oh, my goodness!
...it's the Riot Women!
-Is that us? Third place?
-Yeah. - Yeah. - Yay!
Well done, girls.
-I'm 59!
-Sorry. Ladies.
-Who you calling ladies?
-Sorry.
-Do we go back on? Is there a prize?
-And in second place...
No.
...Mr Toplis and his
Magical Musical Kittens!
-Where are they?
-What? -His kittens.
MEOWING
-And in first place...
-Here we go.
I mean, it was always going
to be them, wasn't it?
Ladies and gentlemen, it is the
Living Legends Dance Troupe!
Oh, bad luck, kids!
Another day, another
dollar. Off we pop!
It's been an amazing
event, the very best,
and thank you to all of you. So
all that remains for me to say is
I hope that you get
home very, very safely
and have a wonderful rest
of your weekend! Goodnight!
Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me.
-I was so nervous when we started...
-That was so f*cking cool!
-Argh! -Thank you!
-Oh, my God!
-Thank you for making us all do it.
-No, no, no, thank you.
Oh! Tom and Fearne and everyone,
they're all going to meet us down
The Duke after we've packed up.
-Oh, Nisha. - Is that OK?
-Yeah, yeah. - Oh, please, please,
-I hope she's all right.
-Hello. Sorry. My name's Jenny. Lennocks.
My son's in Year Three -
Lenny. Do you know him?
No. I'm a promoter. I find
bands for local venues.
I didn't think I'd have
my work head on tonight,
but I've got to say that was
amazing! Can I talk to you?
Goodness. They were
excellent, weren't they?
Really, really, really good.
-Gosh, she really can sing.
-Yeah! -What are we doing now?
Are we meeting them?
Are we meeting Kitty?
Tom, I was just
saying, your mo...
Your other mother,
she really can sing.
-Shall we get a shift on?
-Yeah.
Oh!
-Fantastic! That's our neighbour.
-Oh, is it? -Yeah!
Who cut your hair?
What do you mean?
It's a haircut.
I'm going to have to go, lads.
I'm going to have to go, Nancy.
One of my officers has been
assaulted. She's in hospital.
Your mum's heading down there as
well. It's one of her colleagues.
You'll have to see to Granny.
There's just me and
two handsome men, then!
Right, come on, let's go.
You know, I was quite a looker,
you know, when I was young.
They all fancied me.
Who was that?
-Dad. -Dad.
-Dad.
What are you f*cking dressed as?
Chrissie f*cking
Hynde, obviously.
-What's happened?
-Well, they've, er... They've told me to hang around
in case doctors need
any more intel, so...
-Yeah, but what happened?
-She was beaten up.
-Beaten up how?
-I don't know.
What did she look like?
-Blood.
-Did you get her bodycam?
-It was smashed on the street, so...
-DOOR OPENS
sh*t.
-Evening, sir.
-Rudenko.
What do we know?
-Well, she was stripped...
-Stripped?
...and beaten and
handcuffed to a fire escape
down Shakespeare Street, sir.
Massive blow to t'back o'head.
She was basically unconscious when
I got there. She couldn't speak.
Her bodycam had been
ripped off and smashed,
but hopefully they'll still be
able to get something from it.
And then the trauma team were
here as soon as we arrived,
so she must've lost
a lot of blood.
They've taken her into resus now
and they're saying they might have
to transfer her to Jimmy's, so...
-Good God.
-Yeah.
Think there might be some
neurological damage, so, er, yeah.
b*stards.
Honestly, sir, the way I
found her, it were disgusting.
-Is that the family?
-Yeah.
Well done, lad.
Sir.
CHEERING
Too kind. Too kind.
Oh, my God, I'm going to have to
get behind the bar, it's swamped!
Right, are you going to
go and talk to that woman?
-Oh, yeah. - Go on, yeah, yeah. - Sure.
-Do you want me behind the bar?
No! You go and
talk to Tom, love.
Oh!
-You were amazing!
-Oh, hello, Graham!
-Really, really, very, very...
-This is Graham, who's Fearne's dad.
And you wrote that song?
Yeah, we did. We've written
quite a few together now.
-This is Tricia, who is Fearne's mum.
-Hello. -Hello.
-My ex-husband, Martin.
-How do you do?
-It's nice to meet you.
-Can I get you a drink? -Hiya, Tom.
-Hi, Fearne. Er, no, thanks.
-You know, you remind me of someone.
Kitty, you were brilliant.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you, love.
I'm sorry that we didn't
get off to a better start.
I loved it!
-Oh, Mum...
-You were so good! -So good.
-Brilliant. -So good!
-So good!
Who is it Kitty reminds me of?
Tom, I assume.
You were actually very good.
Don't sound so surprised!
You look really well.
You'll have to come over
for Sunday lunch some time
and meet Kitty properly.
Without this lot.
Yeah, I will.
-Oh, I need to talk to this woman, will you excuse me?
-Sure.
The excitement in
the room, it was...
Oh! I just... I loved it.
-I loved it!
-Mum, do you want another drink?
WHISPERS: You know what,
I'd really like to f*ck you.
SOUND DISTORTS
So, have you sung in a
band like this before?
No, no. Just, um...
Just a bit of karaoke now and again.
Yeah, but, um, no, not before.
Kitty, can I get you something?
Um, no, no, no, thanks. I've got
to go and talk to that woman.
And did you grow up
around here, Kitty?
Um... Yeah.
Er, not... not in Hebden.
I-I grew up more like over
that way, like Bradford.
Fascinating.
Ooh, and I met your boyfriend!
I haven't got a boyfriend.
I was sitting next to
him. Blond hair. Friendly.
Oh, no. God, no. He's just some
dickhead who follows me around.
Oh! He told me he was
your boyfriend. I see.
And you've only been
rehearsing for six weeks?
So, there's a lot I can help
you with, if you're interested.
You've presumably got yourselves
out there on social media?
No, Jenny, we haven't
done anything.
We only got together
for this talent contest,
and then we discovered that we
really can write our own stuff.
Can you all stop
pushing, please!
You're not going to
get served any faster.
Do you want me to help you?
Yeah.
Thanks.
You want me to help, Jessie?
Go on, then.
Pint when you're ready, Jess!
I'll be with you in one minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!
You know, you were
amazing tonight.
You have to come and
perform in my bar.
The d*kes are going to love you!
Yeah, yeah, well, we'll
see about that, won't we?
-Can I grab me some crisps as well?
-Yeah, and if you shove a brush
up my arse, I'll sweep
the floor as I go along.
And what do your family do?
-I haven't got any family.
-Oh, none at all?
Er, well, yeah, there's
me dad. But, erm...
-Anyway, look, sorry, I've got to go and talk to this lady.
-Of course.
It was SO lovely to meet you.
I do hope we see you again.
-Martin...
-Er, could I just say...
I know it's none of my business,
but I think it's important.
Tom's talked to us
about everything.
And I know it's something you
must find difficult, but I think
it's important for someone
like Tom - psychologically,
you know - to... to
know who his father is.
Is that something you might want
to get together and talk about?
-I'd like to help.
-Yeah, well, you're not helping.
And whispering obscene sh*t in my
ear isn't helping anyone, either,
you repugnant w*nk*r.
Oh.
OK.
Well,
I wouldn't f*ck you,
anyway, darling.
Not for any amount of money.
GAVIN'S VOICE: - You'll die
in a ditch, one day, you.
Like all the rest of
your dirty, nasty family.
Graham, are you OK?
I have absolutely no
idea what that was about.
GRAHAM GROANS
What happened?
GRAHAM GROANS
What-what... what was said?
I just... I was complimenting
her on her performance
and... Oh, I may have...
What?
Hinted that she really ought
to talk to you about your...
...who your
biological father is.
I'm sorry. I am sorry, but
I do think, at some point,
for your sake, it's something
she's going to have to talk about.
But, yeah, maybe now
wasn't the time to say it.
Right, do you need...? Do you
think you need an ambulance?
-God, no. I'm, er...
-I am so sorry, Graham.
-Don't be silly, you don't need to be sorry.
-Did you bang your head?
Oh, my God, it's
going to fall out!
I've got a meeting on Monday
with some REALLY important people
and that is going to fall out!
-Are you all right, Mum? Mummy?
-Yeah, I just...
I don't like violence.
Excuse me. Sorry,
sorry, excuse me...
-Where is she?
-Not answering her phone.
Oh!
How's she going to get home? I
mean, there aren't any more buses.
Not at this time. Not
back up to where we live.
Maybe she's already got
a taxi back up there.
But I've no way of knowing that.
Not if she won't answer her...
-Are you all right?
-Oh!
-I worry about her.
-Why? She's not a child!
Cos she's vulnerable. When I
first met her, she was homeless.
Just six weeks ago,
she was homeless.
Do you want us to come back to
the house and wait with you?
Well... Well, yes, then if
I got a lift with you, I can
leave my car keys with Jess and I
can text Kitty to say she has them
-and then she can just drive herself back...
-Hang on!
-Kitty drives your car?
-Yeah, well, she often does a late shift...
I don't believe this.
Does she pay you any rent?
Yes, she does pay me rent.
Not much, but she doesn't earn
much, so... Oh, God! I can't leave
the car here, it's got all
the equipment in the back!
Well, maybe we could
put it into yours.
Yeah, and you do realise that
she could just drive off with it.
-Where to? -Anywhere.
-Why would she do that?
What?
-He's been listening to a podcast.
-Sorry?
There's a real-life crime series
called Gangs Of The North.
And one of them...
One of them is about
them - the Eckersleys.
Keith Eckersley. And
his sons - her brothers.
And they're... Well, most
of them are in prison,
or dead. But when
they ran Bradford,
they weren't very nice people.
-How?
-Drugs, money laundering.
Violence, t*rture.
Shall I go on?
-Kitty's not like that.
-SHOUTS: - She has just hit Graham!
You obviously don't
know what she's like.
You see her through rose-tinted
glasses, for some reason.
-I wish you could be a bit kinder about her.
-Kinder?!
We came to see your show.
We came to see your
show and she hit Graham!
Who's she going to
hit next - you?!
I'm going to try
her one last time.
PHONE: - Sorry, the person
you're calling is unavailable.
Right, I, um...
I'm going to go home.
She can always knock
on Jess's door.
And, um, well, she can't expect
me to stay here, can she,
if she's not going
to answer my calls...
Shall we go with you?
It's up to you.
Ah!
Great.
Oh, no, no. No, Inez!
-No, no. No more for me.
-We're celebrating, come on!
You know you love a Negroni,
Mother, especially one of Inez's.
f*cking hell.
LAUGHS
-Mmm. -Ah, look at us!
-Hmm.
Eh? You and me!
You see, this is the healing power
of your beautiful music, Jessie.
-Where's Miranda?
-She's got her head down the bog.
-Weren't you keeping an eye on her?
-No, I mean, she doesn't usually
drink like a pillock, does she?
Oh, my God.
I feel all emotional.
LAUGHS
Why do I feel so emotional?
Oh, my God!
It was SO good on that stage!
Oh! And then, sh*t, Nisha.
f*cking hell, Kitty!
Do you think... do you think
he said something lewd to her?
That Graham? I mean, do
you think that's what...?
Maybe.
Is that what...
...my Steve did to you?
Said lewd things?
I don't know why I
never listened to you.
Oh, he's always had this
silly bloody effect on me.
He still does.
If he walked through
that door right now, I...
-I'd still fall it.
-I, um... I feel emotional, too.
You know why?
Because I'm back here, Jessie.
In your place, with its
big beating heart and...
...I love you.
I never stopped loving you.
Even when you hated me.
Well, I mean, it was just when
you went broadcasting it to all
-and f*cking sundry.
-Only because you didn't listen to me.
I...
I was humiliated. I couldn't
face my own customers.
Do you know what that's like?
You know, and then
everything went t*ts up.
Now...
...you have to forgive me.
Ah, for Chloe's sake.
For... for the babies' sake.
For all our sakes.
Yeah, the babies aren't half
missing you, you know, Mum?
Oh, and I'm missing
them and all.
Well, you know we don't have a
massive load of room in that flat.
So, we were thinking, well,
Inez - Inez was thinking -
that she could let her flat out and,
like, raise some money, you know,
so we could get somewhere
bigger - a house for all of us.
But, obviously, they'd
need, well, we'd need -
we'd need somewhere in-between.
You know, so they don't feel
like they're being shoved around
all over the place.
Oh. Oh, here?
MUSIC: Violet by Hole
♪ And all the stars were
just like little fish
♪ You should learn when to go
♪ You should learn
how to say no!
♪ Might last a day, yeah
♪ Mine is forever!
♪ Might last a day, yeah
♪ Mine is forever
♪ When they get what they want
♪ And they never want it again
♪ Go on, take everything!
♪ Take everything, I want you to
♪ Go on, take everything
♪ Take everything, I want you to
♪ Go on, take everything
♪ Take everything, I want you to
♪ Go on, take everything
♪ Take everything
♪ Take everything! ♪
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01x04 - Episode 4
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Follows a group of middle-aged women, as they form a punk-rock band to participate in a talent contest.
Follows a group of middle-aged women, as they form a punk-rock band to participate in a talent contest.