01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

DISTANT BIRDSONG

SHE EXHALES LOUDLY

SHE SIGHS

Oh, hello.

SHE GULPS

Oh, f*ck.

Oh.

TOILET FLUSHES

DISTANT RADIO CHATTER

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

RADIO CHATTER STOPS

-Kitty!
-Hello.

I didn't expect
you to be up yet.

Did you sleep?

-I've forgotten your name.
-Beth!

-Beth.
-Yeah, we got a bit drunk, didn't we?

Let me get you some breakfast.

Oh, no, you finish your...

No, no, I've got
to go in a minute.

Um...

What can I get you?

Coffee?

Alka-Seltzer?

You just help yourself
to toast, jam, whatever.

Did we...?

Last night, what did we...?

"What did we...?"

Oh, we talked... about music!

The band. This band
that I'm involved with.

And my idea to do
something more with it.

Something more than
silly cover songs.

And you seemed keen.

Well, more than keen.

I am! I am...

I would be.

We came up with a whole song.

Do you remember?

We were singing it in the car.

You with your fantastic voice!

And... and me with my...

...not quite so fantastic voice.

We didn't have sex or anything?

You and me?

No.

BETH CHUCKLES

Oh, can you imagine?

No.

Anyway, look, we can catch up
properly again this evening.

If you want to, but
you don't have to.

But I could cook us
a meal, or... or...

-Are you vegetarian or anything?
-No.

No, I think you told
me that last night.

Just help yourself to
anything in the fridge.

If you go out for a
walk, can you lock up?

Just put the key under the plant
pot outside, outside the back door.

Ah!

Otherwise, just make
yourself at home.

Yeah. If you're...

If you're...

-Thanks.
-Oh, no, thank you!

It's so exciting.

Yeah.

Is it?

Shouldn't get too carried away.

Early days.

I'm usually back
about five or six.

And you've got my number.

It's in your phone,
under "Beth".

We swapped phone
numbers last night.

So, call me, if you
need anything at all.

But you take it easy, eh, Kitty?

You've had a really
unpleasant experience

and you need time to recover,
and sort yourself out.

And you do need to see a doctor.

Yeah, I know. I will.

Thanks.

OK.

See you.

DOOR OPENS

ROCK MUSIC

♪ Let's start a riot

♪ We won't be quiet

♪ Riot Women gonna set
this world on fire. ♪

RINGTONE

Yeah, hang on, Beth.

I got a message to ring you!

Bye, Granny!

Oh, see you later,
lads. I love you!

-See ya! -See ya.
-You at work?

No, I just wanted to check
you were all right last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I shouldn't have
walked out like that.

Eh, you don't have to
apologise, Beth. Not to me.

I'm just...

I'm just sorry Yvonne was
such a pain in the... bottom.

I mean, I didn't even know she
was coming. I don't even know her.

I was just going with the flow.

I was just thinking,
"The more, the merrier."

Of course, yeah.

-So, you're still in?
-I am definitely still in!

Good. Right, so we're going to
meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I figured that'd work for you,
cos you said you never go out.

And we're going to work
on Smoke On The Water -

cos I can already do
that on the drums -

Waterloo and Layla.

-How about that?
-That's great! And... I wanted to...

Yeah, but listen, Holly gave Yvonne
a right good talking to last night

after you'd gone, and we've
decided we're just going to perform

whichever one we're all happiest
with on the night. How about that?

Perfect. That's
brilliant. So, I wanted...

Yeah, yeah. Well, so long
as we can all agree, yeah.

In other news, the
other news is that

I have found us a singer.

A proper singer.

Someone who can
actually f*cking...

Oh, my God, can she sing?!

♪ Go on, take everything!

♪ Take everything,
take everything

♪ Take everything! ♪

Fancy a shag?

Oh, f*ck off, you old tosser.

Sorry. Excuse me. Hello?

Um...

You've got an amazing voice.

Can I get you a drink?

Vodka soda.

-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A Diet Coke, please.

Do you want to be in a band?

You what?

I know this will
probably sound crazy,

and it's not professional -

there's no money -

but me and a friend are
trying to put a band together

just for a bit of fun,

but we haven't got a singer.

Well, I mean someone
who can actually sing.

And it's just for
this charity event,

and we'd be doing a cover,

and we're no good.

Well, not yet.

But what I was hoping
was that, eventually,

we'd be able to write
our own material

about things that matter.

You see, we're all women
on the wrong side of 50.

And now, you're obviously
younger than that but...

Why, what sort of things...

...that matter?

Oh, well...

In my case...

...my husband decided to leave

about a year ago,

which was fine,

except it wasn't.

Not really.

And then there's my son.

He's married to
a very nice girl.

I just don't think I
really exist any more.

Not in their world.

And work's a head f*ck.

I'd love to retire,

but there's a thousand reasons
why that's not an option,

and then, on top of all that,

there's the inevitable
headaches, night sweats,

can't sleep, can't
think straight,

can't make a decision
without bursting into tears,

which all sounds
a bit miserable.

But I had a moment,

and it all became more
about anger than misery.

Which is why I think
punk is the thing.

It's my era.

I grew up in the '70s.

And your voice,

that's a real talent.

To have such raw
energy in your voice...

...that, I would think,
is really rather rare.

It's interesting you
should say all that.

I've been having a bit
of a sh*t week myself.

Turns out this fella's been
having her on for years,

telling her he
can't stand his wife

and that he's leaving her.

Only she finds out that he's
got three weeks' holiday booked

in Antigua with his
wife and their two kids,

where they're going to
reaffirm their marriage vows.

So she realises, like
a slap in the face,

she was only ever meant
to be his bit on the side.

Men are just...

They're just wired
wrong, aren't they?

And do you know what?

I don't think they
can actually help it.

Don't make excuses for
him, for f*ck's sake.

-Sorry.
-And she's got her own very vivid take on things,

and she's really keen -

I mean, to develop
songs and stuff.

No, no, no way. Not Waterloo.

-No, it's a good song...
-It's a good song,

but you want to be doing something
like Billie Eilish - Bad Guy.

Bikini K...

-Alanis Morissette.
-Oh...

♪ Is she perverted like me?

♪ Would she go down
on you in a theatre? ♪

Oh, there's too many.

♪ And I'm here... ♪

Oh, it's too high.

♪ To remind you of the mess
you left when you went away

♪ It's not fair to deny... ♪

Oh, Skunk Anansie.

♪ As weak as I am

♪ No tears for you

♪ As deep as I am

♪ I'm no-one's fool

♪ As weak as I am... ♪

Oh! Last Dinner Party.

♪ And I will f*ck you
like nothing matters

♪ And I will hold you
like he held her... ♪

Can I...? Can I just
take your name and number

so I can get in touch
about rehearsals?

Are you leaving?

I've got work in the morning.

Have you literally
got nowhere to go?

LAUGHING

I used to...

I used to invent swear words.

It was so inglorious!

And then, oh, the pitiful, shameful,
shitty arguments we used to have!

And his favourite line was...

I shouldn't criticise him

because he wasn't the worst
husband in the world -

not by any stretch
of the imagination -

but his favourite
line, in any argument,

was always,

-"You're just like your mother!"
-Oh!

Which I used to
hear as an insult.

-And then, when my mother got dementia...
-Ohh...

...which I remembered all
the thousand-and-one things

I'd learned from her about life,

across that sea of years
when I was growing up.

That brilliant,
articulate, kind,

clever woman that was my mother,

and I thought, "Yes! I am just like
my mother! Thank you very much!"

"So f*ck you with your below
the belt shitty insults."

You see, I always thought
that would make a good song.

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother!"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

BOTH: - ♪ He said, "Oh,
you're just like your mother"

♪ "At least I'm
nothing like yours!" ♪

CAR HORN BEEPS

Are you sure I can't make
you something to eat?

I don't really do food.

Mm.

Well, cheers!

What did you do to your face?

Oh, it's been a funny few days.

I'm really sorry.

Is that your mum?

Yes. Yes.

And that's Tom, my son.

Oh, and that's his wife.

Nice.

Have you got children?

No.

I'm going to sit down.

Yeah. Yeah. Do, do.

I hardly ever see
him these days.

He's happy, he does
his own thing...

...but he doesn't
need me any more.

You see, there's another song!

There are so many! I should be
getting out my new keyboard.

I could write a
thousand songs about

this twat I've
been dealing with.

I would help you with that,
only I might damage something.

No, no, it's all
right. It's all right.

What do you do for,
you know, money?

Whatever I can.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, God! I thought
there was an arm there.

Could you give her a job,
like, behind the bar?

Yeah, I can possibly
give her a few hours.

She's a bit rough and ready,

but I like her.

She makes me smile.

She's cheered me up.

Yeah, well, I could
have a chat with her,

if she can get herself down
to the Duke with a P45.

All right, sweetheart. Yeah.

Right, I'm just going to sign
us up for the talent contest.

Um...

...what shall I put
down as our name?

Do you not like Riot Women?

What about Hot Flush?

Well...

Oh, put anything.

We can always change it later.

Er...

Right.

It's official. It's in ink.

What are we?

We're the Riot Women!

...Manuela.

OK. Back in ten!

♪ I got my hair slicked
back and my boots on... ♪

Hey! Hey, Luca. Hey, have
you done that project?

-Finally.
-Brilliant.

Hey!

Oh, sh*t.

This way. Are you still
ignoring me, Jessie?

-I'm here.
-Sorry. Are you talking to me?

It's silly!

-You're silly.
-Sorry, I didn't see you there.

It's time to be more
like the grown-ups.

We are in the same business.

We should communicate.
We should share intel.

Yeah, Yeah. Sure, sure.

Any time. Bye!

I am prodding you
with my olive stick.

Oh, what? So you can nick
all my customers again?

Lovely. Thanks. Ta-ra!

Because we have
things in common.

Yeah? We don't. Have a nice day.

Jessie. Come on!

This is ancient history.

Oh, is it? Is it really?

What about that time
you pranged me Fiesta?

Hey? Not even so
much as a sorry.

"Sorry I've written
your car off, Jess."

No. Jess, you pranged my truck.

You were on your phone.

No, no, I was not on my phone.

I was not on my phone.

That was a lie you told
the insurance company.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry you lost
your no claims bonus.

Yeah. Funny. Funny. Look,
everyone's laughing. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And you gave me Covid, shouting
in me face with your breath.

I was ill in bed for six weeks,

and you're just swanning around,

like the arrogant, ignorant
f*ck that you are.

And that's the only reason

the insurance company
came down on your side -

I was too ill to contest
the thing properly.

That's not ancient history.

So, yeah, I am ignoring
you, actually, Inez.

Bye-bye.

You make me sad, Jessie.

We were friends once,

we can be friends again, no?

Jess.

Well, boo-hoo! Suck it up!

So, playing an
electric guitar is

different to playing
an acoustic guitar.

I mean, the chords are all the same
but, then there's different stuff.

Like, do you know about
your power chords?

No, I've not even
got guitar yet.

I need to find someone
I can borrow one off.

-Will you be playing rhythm or lead?
-No idea.

So, rhythm guitar is like
you're playing chords.

Like, you're supporting the drummer,
like, keeping the beat going.

And then, lead
you're doing, like,

your riffs your licks,
your solos sort of stuff.

-OK.
-You got an amp...?

-...Iifier?
-I haven't got anything.

Well, when you get your guitar,

you're going to need
to get an amp as well.

And then you can start
thinking about your pedals,

-your pedal board...
-What pedals?

For your different sounds.

Don't get him started
on his pedals.

I mean, you can just plug it

-straight into an amp if you've got a combo, but that's it.
-A bit sh*t.

So you're going to need
your overdrive pedal,

your reverb pedal, your
delay and your distortion.

He loves his pedals.

You don't need all of
them, not to start with,

but I'd definitely get
like a Tube Screamer,

a Banging Hangover,

a Wah pedal kind
of like a Cry Baby.

And a Big Muff.

You'll love it. Honestly,
it'll change your life.

A "Big Muff"? How?

Aghhh...!

-What's your budget?
-I haven't got one.

I told you, it'll all be
over in a few short weeks.

I'm not spending any money.

SHE PLAYS INTRO RIFF: Smoke
on the Water by Deep Purple

What are you doing? I'm asleep.

-It's not that loud.
-Well, go do it somewhere else.

What? In my other house?

Well, I would, only, oh,
yeah, I haven't got one.

-I meant in the shed.
-It's ten to 11. I've retired.

This is my new hobby.

You can't be serious.

You know nowt about it!

Yet. I soon will.

-What time does your shift start?
-12.

Right, well, you have to be
up anyway, then, don't you?

Well, I could have had
another ten minutes!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh.

-Yes.
-Holly?

Yes.

-f*cking ridiculous.
-You're f*cking ridiculous!

DOOR BANGS

-It's Rudy.
-Rudy. What's happening?

Well, I'm with a lady, and
I'm thinking it's your mum.

It's got nothing to do
with you where I'm going!

God alone knows why
you've called the police.

She sat waiting for a train at
Sowerby Bridge railway station

in her dressing
gown and slippers.

Oh, my God! How's she got there?

Er, taxi driver.

Any road, driver wasn't sure he
should be leaving her on her own,

so he's rung three nines and...

Well, I've found your
contacts in her purse.

It's a bugger if you
can't set off for the day

without being reported
to the police.

You're in your nightclothes.

He was worried about you.

Oh, get with it!

Everyone goes out in
their pyjamas these days.

You never been to Lidl?

I'll go out in my
birthday suit next time,

then you'll have
something to say.

Well, it'll be contrary

to Section 66 of the
Sexual Offences Act,

but you crack on.

Oh. Now I'm a sex offender!

That's new.

-In.
-Always a clever answer.

What have you been
up to now, Nancy?

Off on a little
odyssey, was you?

Oh, God almighty!

She's here. Let's go.

No, Mum! No. Hi, Veronica.

Where was you're
heading for, eh?

Lanzarote. Bit of sunshine.

She just talks rubbish.

How's yourself, Holly?

Yeah. Good, Good. Thanks.

Doesn't look like she's
taking her meds again.

You're going to take
your pills for me, Nancy.

Can you tell her to f*ck off?

She doesn't listen
when I say it.

Mum, we don't use language like
that, not to a health professional.

"Professional"? This one?

She wipes her arse
on the curtains.

What? Where have you got that
from? You can't say that.

Oh, bless her. You
see, this is what

happens when you skip
your meds, Nancy,

you start using naughty words.

"Naughty words"?

-Does she think I'm six?
-You do, when you get your potty mouth on.

You can go now cos Holly's here.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

No, you're all right.
She loves me really.

Oh, and the rest.

Do you want some tea?

Oh. And there's some
nice biscuits somewhere.

Not them she brings.

See, they'll be worried
about where I am.

That's all I was thinking.

Who?

My mum and dad.

You know, they've not
seen me for weeks.

Months.

I can't remember the
last time I was there.

Could you not drive me over?

They're... They're
not there any more.

Aren't they?

You all left Hull in...

...1941,

after the bombing,

when you were nine.

Did we?

Where are they, then?

They're dead.

Yeah. Yeah.

They're dead.

What? Both of them?

Yeah.

They've been dead a while now.

They were very old. They...

They had a nice
life, a good life.

They were always smiling and
laughing, and full of fun.

Does our Colin know?

Yeah.

He...

Uncle Colin, he knew.

Let me clean your glasses.

Er...

You can do.

I can't see through
them either way.

Oh, shut me up if
I've said it before.

You've said it before.

Oh, no-one could have been kinder
to her than me when she came here.

I gave her a job, I gave
her a roof over her head.

I was practically
a mother to her.

And then she goes and opens
that wine bar behind my back.

Oh, yeah. All done and dusted.

And after she's learned

everything there is to
know about the business -

Not just about the business,

but the business in
this town - off me,

and takes all me
regulars off me.

Overnight, I had an empty pub.

Had to build it all
up again from nothing.

And I did.

Anyway, I won't go on again
about the f*cking Spanish b*tch.

She's Catalonian.

I know where she's from.

Shouldn't you be practising
your drums, Mama,

if you're not going to make a top
d*ck of yourself in a few weeks?

I'm just not like that -

unscrupulous, devious,
underhand, manipulative, sneaky.

I've never been
like that, a liar.

And so, you see, I don't
always see it in other people.

Then, of course,
it's always a shock

-when other people do behave like that.
-Oh!

For God's sake, Mother!
Will you have a day off?

Always complaining about people.

Always finding
fault in everybody.

You're not perfect yourself.

Are you seeing Bruno again?

Bruno? What are you on about?

All this sneaking about.

Do you think I'm thick?

Tarting yourself up, not
telling where you're going?

Oh, God.

If you're seeing that
a*usive little...

I haven't got words
bad enough for him.

If you're seeing him again, you
want your head examined, lady.

-Why would I be seeing him?
-Well, I don't know.

Something's going on that
you're not telling us about.

She's seeing Inez.

What?

What did you...? What
did you say, Mary?

-No, I'm not.
-Well, what, is she...? What is she saying it for?

Because she's off her
chump. She's senile.

She's away with the
trolls. I don't know.

Are you protesting too much?

-No. -Well, why are you going red?
-I'm not.

Jesus H...! Dude, I can
see who I like, you know.

-All right.
-As long as it's not someone

that's going to hurt
you again like he did.

Well, then.

-Well, then.
-Well, then. -Well, then.

So, why is it a secret?

-Chloe!
-Because I know you don't like her.

-Who?
-Inez!

Hi, girls.

Oh, Gerry's here
now with the beer.

Gerry-atric.

You know where everything goes.

-Chloe, get back here.
-You all right, Mary?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks, Gerry.

Are you lying?

I'm minding my own business!

If this is true, you better
think long and hard about

what you want out of it, because
that's it, as far as I'm concerned.

-Why?
-Why?

All the things
I've done for you!

All the rubbish I've put
up with over the years,

rescuing you from one
bad idea after another.

All the jibes and
insults, and...

"Gerry-atric."

And now this.

I can't... I can't
even process it.

You don't have to because
it's none of your business!

Is there anything more
calculated to upset me?

I can't... I can't
begin to imagine!

Always, always...
It's always about you!

-You're not even like that.
-Well, I am so... -Oh, right.

So is that why you've got three
kids to two different fathers?

-Oh, I'm not even getting...
-Inez. Of all people.

Oh, of course it's Inez!

Obviously, it's Inez.

What could be worse than that
poisonous little tosser Bruno?

Only you could aim so high.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! I think I'm
having a heart attack.

-I think I'm having a stroke.
-You better have a lie down, then.

If you think, for one minute,

for one fraction
of a split second,

that I am childminding

and baby-sitting, and
taking people to school

and on holiday and
everything else I do for you

while you go doing what... whatever
it is you're doing with that b*tch.

I don't think anything. I
don't expect anything from you.

Because all you want to do

is show off what a
wonderful granny you are,

and what a useless parent I am.

Well, you know, if the cap fits.

All right.

f*ck you!

I'm off, and I'm
taking Bronte with me.

Where?

-Where?
-And for your information,

we was at it when
she lived here,

before I even went
out with Bruno,

before Bronte were born.

And if you hadn't
kicked up such a fuss

and made life so hard for
everybody when me dad left,

we'd have probably
got it together then,

and I never would have been
involved with bloody Bruno.

I don't suppose it's
ever occurred to you...

...that I was basically having
a breakdown when your dad left.

Ohhhh!

"Me, me, me, me."

-She's having you on.
-She isn't.

She is.

-You forget I know her.
-You don't know her.

You think you do, but you don't

because you are blind.

It's all twisted in your mind.

All the truth about what
happened with me bloody dad!

And I'm out of here,

and you won't be seeing none of
these kids for dust ever again.

Mm.

INTERNALLY: "My darling, Tom",

"I'm sorry about this,"

"and I hope you're
able to forgive me..."

VOICES OVERLAP: - "..but there
have been times lately..."

VOICE CHANGES: - "..when I feel
like I've forgotten how to live."

"How to be in the world with
anything resembling joy.

"I don't know why.

"I think I've always
been disposed this way,

"but, somehow, it's all got to
be more of a burden recently.

"Don't be sad about it.

"I want you to have
a wonderful life.

"Always try and be happy

"and try to be consciously
aware of it when you are happy..

"..Because I've discovered
that, if you're not careful,

"it can all slip away
from you far too easily.

"I will always love you..."

"..Wherever you are
in the world..."

"..And wherever I
may have gone to."

"Mum."

Oh, my God!

f*ck! No!

Oh, my God.

♪ And you never want
to forget that one

♪ Never want to let you go

♪ Take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you
to, go on, take everything... ♪

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Tom?

-Mum, hi. Are you busy?
-Er, no.

I'm not. I'm just
driving home from work.

So, you know what
I said yesterday

about coming over to see
you and changing the date?

-I do? Yeah.
-Well, the thing is,

what are you doing this Sunday?

Because me and Fearne were going
to Liverpool to see my mate, Toby.

He's blown us out
because he's got Covid.

Oh, dear. Is he all right?

No, the twat. He's in bed.

Well, that's...

...fantastic.

Shall I make us some lunch?

-If you like.
-Oh, or you could take me out,

seeing as it was meant
to be for Mother's Day.

Yeah. But if you're
making lunch anyway...

-Well, I wasn't but...
-That'd be lovely, then.

Sunday lunch at home with you.

And this is definite.

You're not going to blow me out if
you get a better offer, are you?

-Of course not.
-Right.

OK, well, I'll be
very happy to see you.

All right. Love you.

-See you later. Bye-bye.
-Bye. Love you.

Bye.

♪ So what are you...? ♪

KITTY HUMS QUIETLY

Hi.

-Hi. -I'm still here.
-Good.

Have you had a good day?

Yes, actually.

Really not too bad.

What about you?

Listen to this.

I'm going to do it on this cos I
can't work out loud pedal on that.

♪ I used to think your
words could hurt me

♪ We were spiralling and
taking chunks out of each other

♪ But you crossed the line

♪ And you lost your wife

♪ When you said to me

♪ "You're just like your mother"

♪ Saying it like it's an insult

♪ Says more about you
than it does about me

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Because apparently
I'm just like my mother

♪ The joke's on you cos
you never really knew her

♪ A rebellious
suburban, badass b*tch

♪ Who never, for a second,
would have taken your sh*t

♪ Saying it like it's an insult

♪ Says more about you
than it does about me

BOTH: - ♪ He said, "Oh,
you're just like your mother"

♪ He said, oh, you're
just like your mother

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Cos, apparently, I'm
just like me mother. ♪

That's as far as I've got.

Oh, Kitty! That is wonderful!

-Do you not like it?
-No, I do. Very much.

-Are you laughing?
-No. it's really good.

-I'm smiling.
-You think it was sh*t.

Not remotely. But did you not like
the rebel with a Sparks card line?

-She's the Countdown queen.
-Yeah. Just...

I haven't got it in
there yet, but I will.

-And you can play.
-I flicked through the manual.

-Oh, come on!
-I did GCSE music.

You never said.

I forgot.

Only to get out of hockey

but, yeah, and I had keyboard
lessons for a couple of years, so.

Hardly anyone did music
O-level at my school,

and I went to a grammar school.

Well, you're assuming I
went to sh*t Street High,

which I did to start with,
but then when I were 13...

...I got sent to this posh
private school in North Yorkshire.

-Only I got expelled.
-Did you really? -Eventually.

For dealing in ill*gal
substances, yeah?

No, I mean, did you
really go to...?

Oh, my dad made a lot of
money one way or another,

plus he couldn't
stand the sight of me,

so it was a no-brainer
to shell out some notes

and just dump me in
some smart-arse school.

My mum had died

so, yeah, I was just a nuisance,
as far as he was concerned, so...

I'm sorry.

Ah, no. It was an education
in all sorts of things...

...except, you know, education.

No, I mean about your mum.

Well, I am very impressed.

-I made spaghetti Bolognese.
-Have you?

Well, I've made something.

Is... is that OK?

Yes, yes! It's a treat for me,

coming home to a cooked meal.

Thank you.

I was worried you
might have left.

I was worried you might have
suddenly got it into your head

that I was some kind of
weirdo and cleared off.

Well, it, did occur to me
you might be a serial k*ller.

Did it?

Hmm. I'm not.

Although I would say
that, wouldn't I?

I'm not either.

I have got many and varied faults,
but that's not one of them.

I'm going to go and get
changed, and then would you...

-...want to sing it again?
-Oh, if you can stand it.

Oh, I'm so excited!

Oh, my God! You
have written a song!

Half a song. They were your words
and I've a feeling it was your tune.

No. You came up with a tune.

-Did I?
-Well, one of us did.

I'll open a bottle of wine.

I'll put spaghetti on.

Um...

My son and his wife are going
to come over for lunch on Sunday

and, if you're still here,
which you probably won't be,

because you probably
will have found somewhere

of your own with your
own friends by then,

-but if you are...
-I'll make myself scarce.

No. I mean, you'd be
welcome to join us.

Oh. Er... Sure. Thanks.

And I need to give you
the number of my surgery.

Oh, and I spoke to my
friend Jess this morning,

and, if you need any work,
just to tide you over,

she said she might be able to
offer you something behind the bar.

She owns a pub in Hebden.

The Duke. Do you know it?

OK. Thanks.

♪ ..You're just like your mother

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Cos, apparently, I'm
just like me mother

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Cos, apparently, I'm
just like me mother

♪ He said, "Oh,
you're just like..." ♪

f*cking hell.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

RINGING TONE

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

This is West Yorkshire
adoption services.

Our lines are currently closed.

Please call back between
the hours of 9am...

CALL ENDS

♪ Rebel with a Sparks card

♪ She's the Countdown queen

♪ Got to go...

This is Kitty.

Kitty Eckersley.

And this is Holly and...

Nisha.

Nisha. And Kam.

Kam. Hiya.

Oh, and Yvonne.

How do?

Hello.

-Hi.
-Hiya.

Where's Jess?

I'm here. I'm here.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I couldn't find the lead for
this bloody karaoke speaker.

Just trying to do a
thousand things at once.

-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah.

Oh, is this Kitty?

Hello? I'm Jess. What have
you done to your mouth, love?

Cut myself shaving.

Agh!

Oh! You f*ck!

I was telling
Jess, on the phone,

Kitty has got the most
amazing singing voice.

-And are you all right now, then, Beth?
-Don't start.

-I wasn't. I was being nice.
-Yes.

Thank you, Yvonne.

What are we going to do first?

Can we do Waterloo first?

Because it's the only one I've got
a remote chance of getting through.

We've been working on our
moves to Waterloo so...

-Lovely.
-Great.

Plus, also, me
and Beth have been

working on this other song
for the last two days.

Want to add that
to the mix of stuff

we might end up doing at this
talent show as well, so...

Yeah, we could sing it for you,

and then, if you like it,

maybe we could all work on it?

-Yeah.
-Sure.

Right. So, hang on,

do you all know how to get
plugged in and tuned up?

Well, we'll find out, won't we?

Sorry, how do you
two know each other?

Oh, we don't.

Not really. I heard Kitty
singing in a bar the other night

after I left here, and
I couldn't believe it.

She sounded so...

"Oooom!"

Gets you right here.

So I asked her to join us.

I need to get my
keyboard out of the car.

Oh, do you want a hand, Beth?

Oh. Thank you, Kam.

-All right.
-You'll be all right.

-Have we got microphones?
-Yeah, we've got microphones, Jess.

Yes, that's what I'm doing now.

Miranda says that
karaoke amp should

work perfectly well
for what we need.

-Yeah.
-Er...

Right. Er...

...there's some
microphones down somewhere.

Sorry, Nisha, do
you mind just going

next door and asking
Miranda where they are?

Sure. Yes.

Where'd you get all that from?

Oh, people are so
pathetically grateful

when you deliver their babies
for him without damaging him.

Nearly makes up for the
stupid hours we have to work

and not getting paid properly.

It's only borrowed. You
can stop turning green.

DRUM ROLL

-Right, so, is everybody ready?
-Yeah. -Wooo!

OK. On the count of
four, then, yeah?

-Mm-hm.
-OK.

And one, two, three, four...

LOUD AND DISJOINTED MUSIC

Sorry about that. That
was me. Sorry, that was...

-Just go again. Go again.
-Straight away. Come on, Jess.

-One, two, three...
-No, hang on, hang on.

SHE MUTTERS

Ahem.

-Right. OK. Are we ready?
-Yep.

One, two, three, four...

♪ My, my

♪ At Waterloo,
Napoleon did surrender

♪ Oh, yeah, and I
have met my destiny

♪ In quite a similar way

♪ The history book on the shelf

♪ Is always repeating itself

♪ Waterloo...

♪ I was defeated, you... ♪

Right. Stop, stop, stop, stop!

You need to push
that beat, love.

That is too slow. There's
no energy holding Beth back.

And us. With our moves.

I know, I know, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.

I was worried about
you, Holly, actually.

I thought I was rushing you.

I'm sorry. This is hard.

This is difficult. I've
never done this before.

Yeah, maybe... We could...

-Jess, are you all right?
-Yeah. -Right. OK.

Well, maybe we just
play it through once,

no matter how bad or
slow or out of time,

-and then, we unpick it afterwards. Yeah?
-Yeah.

You two could play
at the proper speed

cos you know what you're doing.

And, you two, just...

Just do what you can.

If you get lost or whatever,

just come back in when
you can. All right?

Because they can keep it going.

Is that how you're
going to sing it?

NEW YORK ACCENT: - "Are you,
uh, are you talking to me?"

Well, it, was aggressive.
It was verging on nasty.

It's not that sort of song.

Well, that's my shtick, baby.

It's the mood I'm in.

If you want saccharine,

you're looking at the wrong
chick, dude, seriously.

Yeah?

I think you sang the
wrong words there, Kitty.

It's...

♪ Waterloo

♪ How would you feel
if you won the w*r? ♪

Not...

Well, you sang
something different.

"Waterloo, I was defeated,
you won the w*r."

Oh!

Wow! OK! Who knew?

Huh! Fair play.

I prefer your version, though.

It's less meh, not handing
everything to the guy on a plate.

Do you like our moves, Kitty?

I didn't see them, love.
I wasn't looking at you.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'll look out for
them next time.

Oh, I forgot to say, there's a
couple of little saxophone solos

in the chorus. One after...

♪ I was defeated,
you won the w*r. ♪

PLAYS FLOURISH

That's it. And...

♪ Couldn't escape
if I wanted to. ♪

That we thought that you
could do them on that,

if you feel up to it, at
some point in the future.

-Who did?
-Well, me and Beth did,

when we were driving over
earlier listening to it.

-Do you know which bit I mean?
-Yeah. Yeah.

SLOW, HESITANT NOTES

Maybe not today but,
you know, eventually.

Going to count us in again,
then, Jess? Thank you.

Right. Is everyone ready?

-Yes.
-Right.

Here we go. One,
two, three. four...

♪ My, my!

♪ At Waterloo,
Napoleon did surrender

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ And I have met my destiny
in quite a similar way

♪ The history book on the shelf

♪ Is always repeating itself

♪ Waterloo, I was
defeated, you won the w*r

♪ Waterloo, promise to
love you for evermore

♪ Waterloo, I couldn't
escape if I wanted to

♪ Waterloo, knowing my
fate is to be with you

♪ Whoaaa!

♪ Waterloo, finally
facing my Waterloo

Is my mum in here?

She's gone. She's in the garage.

♪ My, my!

♪ I tried...

♪ ..the f*cking words are

♪ Oh, yes

♪ And now it seems
my only chance

♪ Is giving up the fight

♪ And how could I ever refuse?

Oh!

♪ ..When I lose

♪ Waterloo, I was
defeated, you won the w*r

♪ Waterloo, promised to
love you for evermore

♪ Waterloo, couldn't
escape if I wanted to

♪ Waterloo, knowing my
fate is to be with you

♪ Whoa-ohh

♪ Yeah

♪ What a load of
sh*t that was. ♪

Well, Kitty, that was a
not-unimpressive performance

for someone who was
throwing their guts up

and on a drip less
than 72 hours ago.

You were a bit sh*t,
but you'll get there.

Six weeks.

It's only a bass.

Would anyone like
to hear this song

that me and Kitty
have been working on?

Oh, yay! I do.

Where is she?

-I'm here.
-Oh, here she is.

What's this for?

Oh, no, just if,
after the contest,

we think we want to carry
on and do more stuff.

You know, our own stuff.

I mean, obviously,
we don't have to.

If you just want to do
the contest, that's fine.

It's a song about me and Martin,

my husband,

and the stupid arguments
we used to have,

and one particularly stupid,

and recurring, argument that
we occasionally indulged in.

OK, Jess?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry,
sorry. Carry on.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

♪ I used to think your

♪ Words could hurt me

♪ We were spiralling and
taking chunks out of each other

♪ But you crossed the line

♪ And you lost your wife

♪ When you said to me,

♪ "You're just like
your mother..." ♪

One, two, three, four...

♪ Saying it like it's an insult

♪ Says more about you
than it does about me

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Because apparently
I'm just like my mother

♪ The joke's on you cos
you never really knew her

♪ A rebellious
suburban, bad-a*s b*tch

♪ Who never, for a second,
would have taken your sh*t

♪ Saying it like it's an insult

♪ Says more about you
than it does about me

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Poor little man
child forced to suffer

♪ Cos apparently, I'm
just like my mother

♪ Rebel with a Sparks card

♪ She's the Countdown queen

♪ Gotta go

♪ Don't want to miss
the Chelsea Flower Show

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Maybe I'm just like my mother

♪ At least I'm
nothing like yours!

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ He said, "Oh, you're
just like your mother"

♪ Maybe I'm just like my mother

♪ Yeah, f*ck you, I'm
just like my mother! ♪

SHE LAUGHS, CHEERS

That's exactly what
Simon used to say to me.

The one I was married
to before this one.

"You're just like your mother."

Anything, everything I said
or did that he didn't like,

which was legion.

"You're just like your mother."

-You never said.
-Yeah, well...

-b*stard.
-..you don't like airing your dirty linen, do you?

Idiotic b*stard.

I think that's really good.

I mean, it's really good.

When did you write that?

Yesterday.

Well, Kitty did.

-You wrote the lyrics and the tune, so...
-No, I didn't. You did.

-No, I didn't, it were you.
-I'm sorry, I've just got to pop inside.

Just had a text off Miranda.

That was brilliant. Honestly,
it was, it was absolutely...

Oh!

-When was this?
-Half an hour ago.

Oh!

SOBBING: - Oh, no!

SOBBING

No!

Argh!

I might pop in and
see you tomorrow,

bring back some more old bits of
uniform I've found in my cupboard.

I hate it without you.

-No, you don't.
-I do!

I was in the main office
yesterday, doing the call backs.

There was no-one else around.

Except Sergeant Arsehole
off in t'kitchen.

And then Rudy
sneaks up behind me,

puts his hands up under my
arms like this, and goes...

"Meep-meep!"

-What did you do?
-Nothing.

I was like, "Did
that just happen?"

And by the time I
realised, "Yeah, it did,"

he was down the other end of the
room playing with t'photocopier.

Why did you not cut his hands off
at the elbow with a rusty fret-saw?

I don't know.

I was all ready for him.

I was going to
scream my head off.

I was going to stab him in
the thigh with my bradawl,

that one I keep on my desk for
emergencies, like you told me to.

But I just froze.

Again.

-You've got to put in a complaint, kid.
-Why?

If I can't even deal
with a numpty like that

without going upstairs
squealing to the boss,

I'm not even fit to
be in the job, am I?

You are not the problem
in this scenario. He is.

I'm coming in. I'm
going to say something.

-Oh, don't.
-He's a w*nk*r.

He shouldn't be there.
I'm going to talk to Tony.

Don't. Do not. I
mean it. Just...

I was just telling you.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I was just letting off steam.

Don't say owt.

She'll only tell my mum
and it'll upset her.

Hiya.

What's up?

Oh, work.

Oh.

-We're all going for a drink.
-OK.

I'll get you one in.

Yeah.

What's going on with Jess?

Oh, I don't know.

That Kitty's got some
pipes on her, hasn't she?

Did she say, "Eckersley"?

She's Keith
Eckersley's daughter.

She's been inside. Twice.

Drugs, as*ault, you name it.

Wasn't he really...?

Oh, complete scum.

But the top echelon of scum.

He still is somewhere.

He ran Bradford for years.

On fear.

People disappeared, including
a couple of police officers.

He's never been done for it.

Still, she has got
some pipes on her.

And then she definitely,
definitely, def...

Jess, Jess, Jess,
Jess, what is going on?

Chloe. And the babies.

She picked 'em up
from school yesterday,

and they've gone
to live with Inez,

of all f*cking people.

And then they've just been
and got all their stuff now,

just now while we
were in the garage.

-No.
-Inez? Why Inez?

Oh, are they...?

Did you know that Chloe
was... Was both ways?

Oh, she could be seven
f*cking ways for all I care!

Inez, for f*ck's sake!

Sorry.

Who's Inez?

See, this is the sort of thing
we should be writing songs about.

-Inez aside, I am sorry, Jess...
-I know.

...but Chloe has messed you about
for years. I'm sorry, but it's true.

No, I know. I know. I know.

I should write about this twat
at work I'm having trouble with.

What twat at work that
you're having trouble with?

Don't tell Mum.

Write it down. Write
everything down.

Then we can turn it into a song and
get Kitty to go and sing it at him.

I could.

I should.

I will.

I'm going to write about this
arsehole that's messed me around.

That'd rock the Casbah.

What arsehole?

I should write about Mum.

I went on a right old
roller-coaster with her yesterday.

She got a taxi to Sowerby Bridge
railway station in her nightie.

f*ck's sake.

I did send you a text.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
criticise Chloe.

Oh, no. You... You feel free.

I said to her, I said,

"Is there anything more
calculated to upset me?"

Pff! Just right over her head.

You could probably write a
song about most kids, though,

-couldn't you?
-Oh, I know I could about Tom.

They're coming over for lunch
on Sunday, him and Fearne.

"Because we missed
Mother's Day."

Because they were
with HER mum and dad.

Like they were last year
and the year before that.

Well, at least he's
coming, though.

Yeah. Oh, he's a lot better than
he used to be, though, Beth.

-You know, when he was younger.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, he is, he is.

Why, was he a little
bugger as well?

I think "little bugger"

might be an understatement.

I used to think it was
because he was adopted,

but some of the stuff the
kids at my school get up to,

you wouldn't believe,
and they weren't adopted.

A lot of them have
got issues, but...

Oh, was he adopted,
your boy, Beth?

Well, fostered then adopted.

Well, I think you
must be a saint

for adopting someone
else's unwanted child.

Oh, I don't know about that...

You don't know if
he was unwanted.

Sometimes people
just can't cope.

How old was he?

Oh, he was a baby, he was tiny.

Local?

Yes. Two days old.

We collected him from
Calderdale Royal.

-Oh, that's where I work.
-Oh, that's where she works.

-Or Princess Royal as was.
-Mm.

I think his mum was very young.

You know,

tragically, too young.

How old is he now?



What's his star sign?

Oh, I never know
about star signs.

Erm, I think he's a Leo.





Yeah, he is, Leo.

There you go, then.

Stubborn.

CHAT FADES

MUSIC: Violet by Hole

♪ And all the stars were
just like little fish

I'm just going to go to the loo.

OK, love.

♪ You should learn how to say no

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ When they get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ Go on, take everything,
take everything

♪ I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything,
take everything

♪ I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything,
take everything

♪ I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything,
take everything

♪ Take everything,
take everything. ♪