01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Hello, Ry.

I'm making a movie for you.

I figured that,

now that everything is over in the case

and it looks like

I'm not gonna be seeing you,

this may be my only chance to tell

you a little bit about who I am,

where I live,

what happened between us.

And most of all,

how much I love you.

So, here's a movie for you, Ry.

NUCLEAR FAMILY

Episode 3

A one-and-a-half by Tom Steel.

- My forehead.

- He didn't know if he could still do it.

It was some time in 1986.

That's when Tom first was diagnosed.

To look across the table and have

a close friend say that, at the time

was just horrible.

Just absolutely devastating.

And we just cried.

He came to visit us on Long Island.

He'd been diagnosed, had gone

through a battery of testing,

and was then starting AZT,

which was a very strong drug,

with horrible side effects.

He was very vulnerable.

I understand it, you know, he was

- A mess.

- An emotional mess. Just terrified.

I don't remember when I found out

he was HIV positive.

I think I was around five.

I do remember being curious

about what HIV and A*DS was.

But I don't think I connected

the disease to death.

He was so healthy.

I mean, back then,

it was like a death sentence.

That's how everyone looked at it.

Such a large number of individuals

on both coasts were getting it.

It became clear, this is a new disease

in the United States.

The mortality rate is astronomical

and we have no cure.

San Francisco has more cases of A*DS

per capita than any other city.

We were living in a crazy worldwhere

all around us, people were visibly sick.

You could see men who were

in the prime of their lives

got a sunken look in their cheeks.

These were young, healthy men.

I had a whole address book

that was full of scratch-outs.

The A*DS virus has claimed

over 24 000 lives,

the majority h*m* men.

It was k*lling us, left and right,

and we were full of rage at the lack

of response by the government.

I HAVE A*DS

And we were out in the streets,

forming ACT UP

and screaming for them

to do something about it.

And what we got

was complete disregard.

A*DS KILLS

QUARANTINE THE q*eers

So it wasn't something that Tom

was going to wear like a badge,

it was a ch*nk in his armor,

it was his Achilles heel,

and he'd constructed a persona

that showed no weakness.

It was a complete secret,

Just your mothers and us knew.

He had such an identity as a lawyer

and he enjoyed it so much,

he really wanted to protect that.

When people heard

you had the disease,

it wasn't just that they wouldn't

want you to be their lawyer.

It was that they counted you out.

They saw you as walking wounded

that you didn't have a future.

He just tried to put it in a box

and not pay any attention to it.

And he was very pragmatic.

"I am going to be healthy

for as long as I can."

Not, "I'm gonna beat this,"

'cause I don't think he thought he was.

He didn't live in a fantasy world.

The judge knew Tom was HIV positive.

But it didn't factor in to the case.

His only mention of it

was a footnote in his decision,

where he wonders if Tom's illness

was his motivation to sue.

"Thomas S. tested HIV positive

in 1987."

"Perhaps because knows his years

are limited,"

"he wishes at this time to redefine

his role in Ry's life."

He wanted a relationship with you,

more than anything,

that didn't have anything to do

with his diagnosis.

Right.

Maybe he got more determined

because he knew he had limited time.

So he wanted it to happen

and he wanted it to be over with.

He wanted to see you and have some

relationship with you before he died.

In spite of the judge's ruling,

the attorney for the donor insists:

"My client had an extensive parental

relationship encouraged by the women."

"These included visits

of many days at a time."

This battle is not over, Steel's attorney

says he plans to appeal the decision.

When there's an appeal,

both sides file their briefs,

and then they put it on for oral

argument.

You have, you know, 15 minutes,

20 minutes to argue

why you think

your position is correct.

DONOR DAD SEEKS RIGHT TO VISI

Tom argued the case himself.

A lawyer's not supposed

to represent themselves.

We told him, "Get someone else".

No way. He was gonna do this.

Why?

Why did he wanna do it?

Because he thought he could win.

- He thought if he did it, he'd win?

- He was the best lawyer.

Tom went first and said Judge

Kaufmann's decision was wrong.

He said

he was your biological father,

and therefore the family court

had no authority to do anything

but to declare him the father.

And once he's declared the father,

he has certain rights.

At one point one of the judges said,

"Mr. Steel,"

"what is it that you want?"

And he, said, "I just want to have

a relationship with my daughter"

"where I can share with her my life."

And she looked at him and said

"But you had that."

"And then you sued."

At the court after the argument,

we were out in the lobby,

and I remember we were feeling

really good.

We were very hopeful,

like "that went well".

And there's a press photo of me

with Peter, and we're like beaming.

I remember that summer, 1994,

waiting anxiously for a decision

we thought could come any day,

but it took forever. I believe

it didn't come 'til November.

And then, when it came,

we were heartbroken.

The Appellate Division took

the simplistic view of the family.

And they determined that in fact

Justice Kauffman was wrong,

that Mr. Steel had the rights

of a father.

Wasn't about you anymore,

it was now about him.

We went back

to the patriarchal system

where he was the father,

and Robin was the mother.

Russo was out in the cold, that's what

the Appellate Division decided.

The Appellate Court framed

the issue as

whether you could terminate

the rights of a biological father.

They said Tom was a father

from the moment you were born,

with his sperm.

That was an existential threat

to all lesbians

who wanted to raise children,

to all women who wanted

to raise children without men,

and it made me furious.

They decided we were the evil

people in this scenario,

that we were keeping this wonderful,

generous man

from exercising his rights

to his daughter.

And that we were h*m*

You know, to suggest a g*y man

can't be a parent.

And basically that you'd grow up

hating us as a result. It was warped.

I think having stepped out of

the client role, in to the lawyer role

was a very difficult thing for Tom,

and a very big misstep.

He won though.

When he finally represented himself,

that's when he won.

It may have been successful

in the outcome,

but did it get him to the place

where he wanted to be?

Did it get you where you wanted?

I don't think so.

The Appellate Division was saying

there has to be an order of filiation,

and he can start asking immediately

for contact and other such things,

and that's what he did.

We're like, "What do we do?"

There was no waiting

for the next appeal,

it was going back to court now

to arrange visitation.

Harriet said, "Let's try to get

a stay pending appeal."

A stay means

a stopping of an order.

We do not want you

to have to go visit him,

and your moms could've been jailed

for not producing you.

So Bonnie and I got on the train.

We needed to get the court

of appeals in Albany

to stop the Appellate Division

from this horrific decision.

We got up to the Court of Appeals,

and we met the clerk of the court.

He looked over the papers,

and he looked at the two of us,

and he said, "Your chances

to get a stay are slim to none."

"There is a judge here.

Someone will be with you soon."

We sat in the library for hours.

This woman comes down, and says

"Come up. The judge wants to see you."

So, we go upstairs,

and he was sitting there.

And we talked a little bit,

and all of a sudden,

he handed us a stay.

It's signed.

The family court is stayed

from entering an order of filiation.

And we couldn't believe it.

We were happy because you didn't

have to go visit with Mr. Steel.

Not immediately.

The decision was stayed

pending an appeal,

so the Court of Appeals

was going to hear it next.

I never dreamed that it would be

fought against so hard,

or that it would take

so much time and energy

to pursue the lawsuit.

And at that point

At this point,

because this is where we're at,

I felt that because of my health,

which is rapidly declining,

that if I had to wait two more years

to rebuild a relationship with you,

I might not make it.

- He wants that.

- That's what I want, Procrin.

- The doctor said Epogen, so.

- Either one's fine.

I think he felt worn down,

and I think he was wearing down.

I think he was starting

to feel not well.

So it was a very difficult

and dark time.

I think Tom found in you

something he lost in himself.

When you were together,

he just seemed so alive,

in a way that I, as his close friend,

had never seen before.

And I think it was hard

for him to let go,

because you were intertwined

with his sense of who he was.

Here is a picture. Stinson Beach.

I think in the end, Tom lost more

than he could've ever imagined.

So I decided, with a lot of thought

and through a lot of pain,

to drop the whole case.

He withdrew.

I was hoping,

is he withdrawing for Ry?

Maybe he doesn't wanna

put her through any more.

But then, I don't remember

which lawyer it was,

but a lawyer told me, "No, he likes

the law, and the book says it is."

An opinion from the Appellate

Division of the New York Courts

says that I'm your father, that

I had a warm relationship with you,

and that I should have

some visitation.

On paper he won,

it was important to him to win,

he was gonna stay in this battle

until he won.

And he won - but we won.

And that was the end of the w*r.

The relief was so deep

that it took a while to sink in.

- You guys were so sweet.

- And you were so strong.

It took its toll on both of you

in different ways.

It's never gonna be over,

I'll never say, "What trial".

It's always gonna be there

as this landmark in my life

that had an effect on me

that's forever gonna be with me.

It was something that a kid

shouldn't have to go through.

You were super fragile

and depressed, just fragile.

And you were just receding.

You were losing weight.

You were taking drugs.

We were trying to control that,

we weren't sure how to do that.

We knew you were going out to bars

and dancing on tables,

when you were underage,

and being kind of a wild child.

It took years to relax.

And to

To feel safe.

- Hey.

- What are you doing, you freak?

Oh my god, there you are,

go, I got you, baby.

I wasn't thinking about Tom,

I wasn't feeling things

about the lawsuit.

I was pretty focused

on not feeling anything.

Ry? Stop.

- Stop what?

- Filming.

Is this it?

In high school I got a high-8 camera.

That's when I started

making little movies.

One, two, hi!

It was a great tool to be able

to document my life

and the life of those around me.

- And this is our tree.

- Santa, will see it.

I remember being invigorated by it.

Here we are,

doing the sister thing.

I was interested in filmmaking,

in press and media

and all that stuff.

Welcome to the television

h* show of NYCBKB.

I wanted to participate in it.

We were sued by the sperm donor

when Ry was nine years old.

- You were dragged in to court?

- Yeah.

I was just a kid

who knew what I loved,

and then this guy who was a friend

who helped make me,

whatever that is, I'm nine

all of a sudden he was telling me

he wants me to go visit alone.

- It was scary.

- This went on for four years.

For a while, it was a topic

of interest for the press.

I think we felt

it was important to do.

People would say to us

"He just wants visitation."

He was suing for paternity.

To whatever extent we could

correct the record, we did.

Whether it was a Time magazine,

or a New York Times article later.

Guys, come on, we have to leave

in an hour.

When my family talks

about our lives and the case,

it's very easy for us to go

on automatic pilot.

Because for the case, we had to seem

like an ideal family, we were perfect.

Part of being perfect, and

being "normal" was being straight.

But if we accept it,

more people will accept it

and think it's okay

when it's really not.

Then someone else is growing up,

would say, "Oh, I'll be g*y too".

It was the reason g*y people

shouldn't have children.

Because they were going to raise

their children to be g*y.

Being in the first wave of kids

with g*y parents,

I did feel pressure to be perfect

and normal and straight.

Cade seemed obsessed

with heterosexuality.

I mean,

just being a straight woman.

Teen magazine kinda thing.

Very into boys.

- All right. Unprotected sex?

- No.

- Have you ever had a**l sex?

- No!

- Have you been with a female?

- Yes.

- Second base.

- With a female, second base?

Second base.

I'd spent many years trying

to be straight and popular,

and finally I just stopped.

And I came out.

I had such self-confidence,

it was like I became self-actualized.

I think most people assume

they're straight when they grow up.

But I just assumed I was g*y

like my moms.

I think I heard them once say

I was probably a l*sbian,

and so I internalized that

and just assumed I was a l*sbian.

You were the tough one.

You were a bulldog.

Shut it off.

- So we thought, "Okay, you're g*y"

- You're probably a l*sbian.

I remember I had my first boyfriend.

I was with him, it was very nice

and happy. I hadn't had sex yet.

And a part of me needed permission

from my moms

to go be a part of the straight world,

because it felt like

by being straight,

in a way I was gonna lose them.

You kept talking about it

and sharing about it.

Mom was like, "Just do it already."

Russo said to me, "Go have sex

with him. Quit whining about it."

And I was like okay.

Realizing I liked men and was straight

a revolution of identity for me.

And there was a freedom in knowing

I could be different from my moms

and still stay close to them.

After the lawsuit,

I had no contact with Tom,

until I was 16.

I was at a drama program,

away from my moms,

and then Russo called me.

And she said Tom is dying of A*DS,

and do I want to talk to him

before he died?

Tom was in Mill Valley at his house,

in a hospital bed.

Everyone knew

he didn't have very long to live.

I believe he asked Emily, his lawyer,

to reach out to see if he could

have a phone call with you.

And the answer came back, "Yes."

Tom was laying in bed.

I remember that you called,

and someone handed Tom

the phone.

I remember hearing your voice.

You weren't on speakerphone,

but I could hear your voice,

and I don't know how to characterize

what you said, but you were angry.

Can you try?

My recollection is

you were extremely upset,

and I feel like,

you cursed at him maybe.

He was a little bit

like a broken record,

"I loved you, everything I did

was because I loved you"

"I never meant to hurt you."

And

I said, "I can't"

"I can't forgive you because

just because you're dying."

And that was it.

I was really hardened

by that point.

I was

I felt nothing for him.

All Tom wanted

was for you to call.

When he hung up,

he was smiling.

It didn't matter what you said.

What mattered is

that he could hear your voice,

and that he could tell you

he loved you before he died.

And then a few days later,

he woke up in the morning,

and he looked and said

they had to go to the hospital.

And Tom saw the sun coming up,

and he said he was happy.

We stayed with him all day

in the hospital, and then he died.

After Tom died,

I got a box in the mail.

Inside were home videos

of us together.

And there was also another tape,

made for me.

Hello, Ry.

I'm making a movie for you.

I figured that,

now that everything is over in the case

and it looks like

I'm not gonna be seeing you,

this may be my only chance to tell

you a little bit about who I am,

where I live,

what happened between us.

And most of all,

how much I love you.

So, here's a movie for you, Ry.

I watched about a minute of it.

And then put all the tapes away

in the closet.

I wasn't ready to look at them.

Little Red had only thought of these

little matters as much as she ought,

in the trap of a wolf

she'd never been caught

In college, I made an art piece

called "The Middle Ground"

that used the lens the fairy tale

"Little Red Riding Hood",

to tell the story of my sperm donor,

my moms, and the lawsuit.

The little l*sbian family lived happily

in a loft in New York City, until

The wolf is gonna get me.

The wolf is gonna get me.

Tom was the wolf,

I was Little Red Riding Hood,

and my moms and sister were

also Little Red Riding Hoods.

I think playing these roles

made things very clear.

It was any blurriness

that was hard to wrestle with.

For years,

the tapes were in the closet.

During that time, I tried to move on

and make movies about experiences

outside my own.

People who came of age

in different ways.

In some way, I wanted nothing

to do with my own story.

I didn't want to define myself

by the lawsuit.

Cut!

But every few years,

I'd return to this story.

And I was troubled by it.

Because in attempting to tackle it,

I discovered I didn't understand

my own feelings.

So I pulled the tapes

back out of the closet.

And watched them all.

I'm sitting in the living room

of my house in Mill Valley,

by myself with the camera

on a tripod to talk to you.

I know you've had all sorts

of feelings about the lawsuit.

But, I've never been able to talk

to you about the lawsuit.

I've learned in life is there's always

two sides to any story.

There's always two people's

perspectives on any situation.

Maybe you've only heard one,

maybe you didn't think this through

from my perspective.

I'm not asking you to get in

to who's right and who's wrong.

I don't know if it would help you

to try to solve that.

But think of yourself, Ry, as a girl,

or maybe a woman

when you're reading this,

who was loved a lot

by many different people.

Yeah.

I was finally ready to hear

what he had to say.

But it was too late

to have a conversation.

THOMAS HAUSS.

MAY 7, 1950 - JULY 18, 1991.

After all this time, I'd never been able

to truly understand my feelings.

And I realized that

in order to do that,

I needed to not just watch the tapes,

but to hear from people

who knew and loved him.

I decided to make a documentary

because I wanted to understand

the other side of the story.

That's why we're here today

and that's why I'm talking to you.

I wanted to know your perspective,

Milton's perspective, Tom's.

What do you remember

about seeing Tom and I together?

I remember, total warmth,

total joy.

I remember Tom chasing you around,

playing some game, and you giggling.

Are you getting the skipping?

A little girl with this man she loved,

and he loved her.

I remember how meaningful it was

when he'd receive a letter from you.

It was wonderful, this joy.

One question for you is

why are you here talking to me?

That's a long answer.

I feel like Tom doesn't have anybody

to present his side of it.

Milton has Alzheimer's.

But I feel like if Tom were here,

and he knew you were making

the movie, with me or without me,

I think Tom would say, "Go tell her.

Go tell her how I felt."

What do your mothers think

of this project?

In general they're supportive.

But like anybody,

I think they're afraid of how

they're gonna be portrayed,

and of rewriting history.

But it's clear to me

that I don't think you are lying

or that Russo and Robin are lying,

but I think you have very different

understandings of what went on.

And that that is

Why are you shaking your head?

What happened is that they purposely

described Tom and your relationship

in a way that was utterly false.

They said he wasn't anything special.

And Ry never saw him that way,

and neither did we.

That's what happened in that trial.

And I think that's what happened

in your home.

I had a question

about Ry's biological father.

I don't understand the relationship.

I'd met him once or twice before,

as a person who helped make me.

They had to turn reality into

"He was nobody special to Ry,

just one of many family friends."

I think they felt like he changed,

by suing.

This is what you gotta get.

The truth would have been

to say to you,

"We loved him,"

"you loved him,

he was important to you,"

"then he dropped a nuclear b*mb

on our heads and now we hate him."

But you can't say that in court.

But they didn't say that to you

either, I'm guessing, I wasn't there.

That would've been the truth,

and that would've been

"How could I argue with that?

That's their decision, their right."

But that is not what they said.

They erased reality.

They started changing it

when they were talking to me.

Only I was a grown-up who knew

what actually happened.

I know what happened

and what existed between everyone.

The fact that it's been

so misdescribed

It's a disservice to you.

"Then he dropped a nuclear b*mb

on our heads, and now we hate him."

- But you can't say that in court.

- They didn't say that to you either.

I'm guessing, I wasn't there.

They erased reality.

Do you feel like

we rewrote history for you?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I don't think any of us had

the emotional maturity

to talk about what happened

before the lawsuit.

In terms of how I remember it,

it was

"He's threatening our family,

he betrayed us, we're terrified."

And even now when I acknowledge

I had a warm relationship with him,

it feels very scary and fraud

to acknowledge that,

and I think it did take me long

to even acknowledge that.

I think your fear

of the threat that he had

dominated everything.

If you could accept the notion

that we didn't cut him off,

if you could accept that,

it might be helpful.

Okay.

But when I look at the period

from 1989 to 1991,

I see letters from Tom and Milton

clearly trying to reconcile

and get along,

and nothing from you guys.

We were talking

on the phone with them,

and begged Tom to talk with us

and work it out.

I think we didn't want to put a lot

in writing, we were terrified.

Days before the lawsuit,

we were saying,

"Tom, come to New York,

let's talk and try to work it out,"

'cause he hadn't been talking to us.

Their narrative is

"we cut them off

- So he had no choice.

- So he had no choice.

Then they laid down the gauntlet,

"Okay, I want Ry."

What parent would do that?

My thing, mom, is just that,

when I look back on my relationship

with him, it was very warm,

I think I did love him,

not as my parent, in a different way.

And I think that if I was asked,

without the context of it

being a threat to our family,

"Do mind going and seeing him

alone in California,"

I don't know

if I would've minded that much.

So I wonder is it really

what was best for you, or for me?

You.

And for all of us.

It was for all of us,

but it was definitely for you, Ry.

I understand for you,

I understand for Cade

Nope, you're drinking the Kool-Aid.

I'm sorry to break your heart.

You can't be taken out

of the family

and go back and forth

and have that be good for you

with someone who is actually

not your family.

It wasn't that big a deal

in your life, he just wasn't.

I understand that, but clearly

he was a big deal in my life,

'cause here we are 30 years later

talking about it.

He made himself a big deal.

A lot of it is because of the lawsuit.

That's why I'm asking

what would've been worth.

The four years of the lawsuit,

or the six years he had left to live?

It wasn't an option.

- For us, it wasn't.

- Right.

He can't just hate us and say,

"Okay, now I want Ry."

Honestly,

I wouldn't have trusted to send you

to him for a week.

He wasn't parental, I wouldn't have

trusted he would've cared for you

in the way I want you cared for.

Is he gonna watch you in the water

the way we do?

He just wasn't a parent in that way.

So we thought it would be bad

for you, very bad for you.

And bad for our family.

It wouldn't be our family anymore.

It just wouldn't be the family

we wanted, we planned.

- And that we had.

- We struggled for, that we loved.

That's the family we wanted.

And that existed, for now,

how many years, nine years?

And he wanted to change it

because he wanted.

- I understand

- Well, f*ck him.

Okay.

But when I think about

From my perspective.

You're stuck in a hard spot,

I'm not stuck in the spot you're at.

I just hate him.

But you're stuck in a harder spot.

- Definitely.

- Because as a kid, you adored him.

And as a kid, he betrayed you.

And us.

So you're like

Your emotional extremes are hard.

Yeah.

And I love you for loving him,

for recognizing that side of you.

And not be afraid of us

and our reaction.

I think you thought

we didn't know

that your position

is different than ours.

That your childhood love

didn't matter

or wasn't important enough.

I think it's a mistake that we didn't

circle back around to that

and talk about it

when you were younger.

We saved every piece of material

from the lawsuit.

All the pleadings, all the testimony,

all the exhibits, all the press

For both you and Cade.

We wanted you to know

the whole story,

as best as we could preserve it

for you.

What you're doing now is what

we wanted, as shitty as it is.

- Talk everything to death, yeah.

- Yeah.

And for you to be honest

about how you felt.

Okay, just drive.

- Dada?

- Yeah. Very exciting.

Contractions have slowed down,

but

But they're very intense.

What floor?

Oh god!

Here he is, come on up.

He looks handsome.

Sounds like a chicken.

- He's beautiful.

- Thank you.

Hi!

- It's so your hands don't get cold.

- That's right.

And she had a muff

and a matching hat made of fur.

I've been trying to tell this story

for most of my life.

But it never really felt like my own.

In the videos I made with Tom,

the stories were simple:

good and evil, right and wrong.

Won't it be wonderful?

But I've come to see this story

as more complicated.

And I choose to focus

on the love I felt for Tom,

not the pain.

I think what Tom gave me is a deep

appreciation of my family.

Having to confront its fragility

made it more precious.

I didn't think lesbians

would have children.

I thought that it was a lonely life

that you would lead.

I, Sandy, take thee, Robin.

We now pronounce you

wedded spouses.

Ry Russo-Young hopes

that sooner or later,

same sex marriage will become

a fact of life.

We are still a house on stilts.

But more rooted now.

More anchors than before.

As time moves forward,

my moms are getting older.

I want them to know I appreciate

that they taught me to love.

To forgive.

To relish every moment together.

And I hope my own family is one

where every moment together

is as deeply felt.

In all its sadness

and its unbelievable joy.