01x05 - Rollyfluffs

[bunniefuu]

[eerie music plays]

Morning, Ben.

Morning, Nathan.

-And a very unpleasant evening, Abaddon.
-In hell, everything is opposite.

Kathy, Is it the end of winter
in your shoes?

Because I detect a spring in your step.

The spring of someone who had an epiphany.

I figured out the reason
our hotel is a total failure.

-Ghosts.
-Bad location.

-No amenities.
-Me!

I've been so focused
on fixing what's wrong with this place

that I haven't tried
to make anything right.

It's time to stop reacting
and start proacting.

I did some pro-acting when I was alive.

I played Jack the Ripper
in a shampoo commercial that never aired.

The point is, I'm starting today
by fixing up the honeymoon suite.

Soon, people will leave here saying,
"What a great honeymoon we had,"

and not, "I think something bit my leg
in the dark."

Ah, you can't read the Yelp reviews.

If I bit someone's leg,
they wouldn't think, they'd know.

Guys! I made a huge discovery
at the glade.

-We have a glade?
-[gasps]

[creature squeaks]

What is that?

No idea, but it loves oranges
and coconut yogurt.

Does burning your sigil on a yogurt lid
mean nothing in this house?

Speaking of exciting new friends,
I have one of my own.

A little lady by the name of Monica.

Har-monica.

-Neat.
-Neat.

Nothing is cooler than a guy in a band.

Except a guy in a one-man band.

I add some cymbals, a little keyboard.

Before you know it, I'll be
the d*ck Van d*ke of the eighth grade.

Did someone say "Turkey in the Straw"?

I didn't, but I wish I had.

[clears throat, inhales]

[plays harmonica]

[creature grumbles]

-[creature roars]
-It's not a music lover!

This is why the harmonica's dumb!

-Look at you guys taking on projects.
-[Ben] So fast!

Katherine and her honeymoon suite.
Ben and his harmonica.

-Esther and her creature.
-[Esther] Just let it bite you!

I defy you to name
a more impressive family.

-No, don't mention--
-Did someone say "impressive family"?

[circus music playing]

It's the Flying Robertsons!

They're pretty impressive,

but you guys didn't all die
in a freak trapeze accident.

Oh, there's still time.

-[creature snarls]
-[Ben screams]

[Ben] It's eating my hair!

[dramatic music plays]

[jaunty supernatural music playing]

[music fades]

Which one do you think for the walls?

I read an article that said
caramel is the sexiest color.

Ooh, you know what would be really sexy?

Bathroom with a glass wall.

You know, so you can
watch your lover shower.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey, maybe we can get some ideas
from your honeymoon.

What was your favorite part?

Eh, I'm not sure.

I spent a lot of it alone
because Ron lost all our money,

tried to make it back
by offering me to wealthy men,

and ended up in casino jail.

Then the real crime
is those men turning you down.

It was my fault. I shouldn't have let him
plan the honeymoon.

But to answer your question,

I guess my favorite part
was the chocolates on the pillow.

Don't feel bad for me. You're dead.

I just hate when you blame yourself
for things that aren't your fault.

You should be blaming
that snake oil salesman, Ron.

It was iguana oil.

And technically, he wasn't a salesman
because he never sold any.

I think you deserve someone

who gives as much love and care
as you're putting into this room.

Ooh! You know who'd be perfect?
My friend Zephaniah.

He is super sweet.

And he operated a cannon in the Civil w*r.
Not gonna tell you which side.

-Yeah, I'm actually good.
-I'll see if he's single!

Huh. Where'd you come from?

[suspenseful music plays]

Mmm. [gasps]

Hello?

Is this a thank you for the new sheets?

[supernatural music playing]

Okay, okay, okay.

Thank you for the chocolate,
but I have a lot to do. Bye!

[music fades]

[panting]

-[glass clinking]
-[creature gurgles, squeaks]

Do you hear hissing,
chirping, and glasses clinking together?

You bet I do.

Remember the creature I found in the glade
that ripped out chunks of your hair?

More strands than chunks.

Well, she had friends.

-I call them Rollyfluffs.
-[Rollyfluffs mutter]

Why would you bring them to school?

Ben, we've been here three months.
You know what I've learned?

-Science?
-This school is a complex ecosystem.

Gamer boys, cat girls,

their rivals, the horse girls,
cyberbullies, in-person bullies,

pogo boys, and tennis.

[sinister music plays]

There's something off
about those tennis kids.

These groups coexist,
but they don't overlap.

Even at lunch,
everyone has their own table.

-You know the thing they have in common?
-They go to the same school.

They love dumb trends.

Like last month, when everyone was
into those plastic bags with googly eyes.

I wanted one of those so bad.

Everyone did.

And with the right marketing,

my Rollyfluffs can be
the new plastic bags.

Everyone will go nuts for 'em.

And I'll finally secure my place
in the school ecosystem.

At the top.
Sitting at any lunch table I want.

What's wrong
with the way things are right now?

Here you go.

[groans]

Heather, do you want a pet
that science can't explain?

I don't think I have time for a pet.
I'm taking four honors classes.

We know about
your honors classes, Heather.

Are you really too busy

to get in on the ground floor
of the hottest new fad in school?

Well, one of my honors classes
is social studies.

[groans]

Oh my God, those are so cute.

[gasps] I need one! What are they?

Not fans of the old tin sandwich.

-You had to be there.
-They're called Rollyfluffs.

They're very rare,
and I'm the only one who has 'em.

-How much are they?
-For you, London?

Nothing. Just remember who gave it to you.

-[girl] I wanna see!
-[boy] Does it do any tricks?

Here, take this.

Aw, man, he kept the note from Mom.

[Nathan] A room gave you chocolate?

The only thing a room's ever given me
is ghost pink eye.

It's creepy, right?

Absolutely.

But something being creepy
doesn't mean it isn't nice.

Look at Candlehead.

Candles!

All I'm saying is, don't look
a gift chocolate in the mouth.

Put a gift chocolate in the mouth.
You deserve it.

I should at least finish the renovation.

Hey, bring back some of that chocolate.
I can't eat it, but I can look at it.

And I can feed it to a bird.

Gonna have to disagree
with you there, Abaddon.

I'm pretty sure
that birds can't eat chocolate.

Really? Because I've given chocolate
to hundreds of birds.

And I've taught a cat to water ski.
That doesn't mean it was good for him.

You know what? We're looking this up.
Come use the computer.

Now just go online,

using the mouse.

[bell dings]

Abaddon, do you not know
how to use a computer, bud?

How dare you question Abaddon?

Prince of the underworld.
King of shrimp. Destroyer--

-Type your name.
-No.

I see. In that case,
it looks like school is in session.

And Professor Nathan is taking attendance.

His student, Abaddon.

His subject, enough computer
to look up what kills birds.

Hi, room.

Sorry I ran out before.
I'm not used to nice gestures from people.

Or rooms. And… W… Wow.

[magical music playing]

Did you renovate yourself?

-[drawer slams]
-Is that a yes?

How about one slam for yes,
two for no. Sound good?

[drawer slams]

-Are these for me?
-[drawer slams]

Wow, I wouldn't even need
a special bra for any of these.

Hm, I carved out a whole day for this,
and there's nothing for me to do.

[door creaks]

Interesting.

[Nathan] Knock, knock.

I'm yelling "knock" because I can't knock,
but I wanna respect your boundaries.

Hi. Everything okay?

More than okay. A miracle happened.

The plumbing exploded
at the B and B in town,

and the newlyweds who were staying there
want to use our honeymoon suite.

It's happening!

The room's not ready. I used lead paint.
I thought it'd look good, but it didn't.

Okay, then.

I guess I can tell the Fishers

they can wash the feces off
in one of our less romantic rooms.

Sounds good. Thanks.

[tense music playing]

[Rollyfluff squeaks]

[snarls]

[sighs]

[music stops]

-[jar lid clatters]
-[gasps]

Hello?

[squelching]

[yelps]

-[ominous music playing]
-[Esther strains]

Hey! Do that again,
and no oranges for a week!

-[gasps]
-[screeches]

[Esther screams]

I heard thrashing. Are you okay?

I'm great.
Just a minor Rollyfluff accident.

-My fault, really. [chuckles awkwardly]
-Minor?

Gah! It attacked you!
We have to warn the other kids.

Warn them? The plan is working, Ben.

Today, I ate lunch
with horse girls and winter jocks.

And for all we know,
they're all being attacked right now!

This was an isolated incident.

It probably heard you playing harmonica
through the wall. Everything's fine.

[ominous music playing]

[music fades]

Ron and I would have the same fight
over and over again.

He thought having a plan B
meant I didn't believe in him.

And fine, I didn't believe in iguana oil,

or his weight loss tea or his plan
to ride his motorcycle into a tornado,

but I still loved him.

I don't know.
Maybe I should've tried harder.

God, I'm ridiculous talking to a room.
I don't even know if you're listening.

-[echo] Maybe I should've tried harder.
-My mistake. You're a great listener.

[eerie magical music playing]

[ominous music playing]

-[bubbles pop]
-[music stops]

Well, this was an amazing day.

And thank you for the pajamas.
I should get back to my--

-[sweeping romantic music playing]
-Are you kidding me, room?

I love Casablanca.

I'll just watch a little bit.

[yawning] God.

Oh, this mattress is
so much better than mine.

[eerie music playing]

[music stops]

[yawning] Oh my God. It's morning?

[drawer slams]

[chuckles] No, I… I…
I have to work, but thank you.

I… I had no idea how much I needed this.

And I'll be back later, I promise.

I know where to find you.

Oh, grow up.

[Esther] Ben, will you relax?

I can't. What if the Rollyfluffs
ripped their faces off?

[gasps] What if
they came to school anyway?

[gasps] If everyone has no face
and we have faces,

then we'll be the weird ones!

See? Faces all around.

Esther, we just want to tell you
how much we love our Rollyfluffs.

Love. Everyone should have a Rollyfluff.

Totally. Where are your Rollyfluffs?

Esther, we were thinking there should be
a club for Rollyfluff fans.

-We could meet at your house.
-We could meet today.

Yeah, I can carve out some time
for you girls.

Hey, Ben. High five.

And you were nervous
school would be weird.

Did you think that was normal?
My bully high-fived me.

Cat girls and horse girls
are walking around together.

This is madness!

[ominous music playing]

Uh…

[snarling]

[groans]

[music fades]

Okay, new approach. See this grape?

Imagine this is the eyeball
of your greatest enemy.

-My mother-in-law.
-You have a mother-in-law?

Sorry, i… is this a joke?
I can't tell if this is a joke.

Okay, sure, sure. Imagine this is
your mother-in-law's eyeball.

Good. And concerning.

Now just do the same thing to the mouse.

This little fella. Right here.

-[bell dings]
-How do you not get this?

It's a one-step instruction!

Can you not yell at me?!

I don't know. Can you listen?

[chants in Latin]

Let's take a break.

So, what are you guys into?
Besides Rollyfluffs, of course.

What else is there? Rollyfluffs for life.

Aren't you a horse girl?

Not anymore. I'd let a million horses die
for my Rollyfluff.

I'd k*ll two million cats.

[groans] I still don't have a Rollyfluff.

What? Cora, you have to get one.

[gasps] We should go to the glade.
Like, right now.

Yeah, we could glade it up.

[harmonica playing]

[groans] Sorry, that's my brother.

I'd hide his harmonica, but that'd
drive him straight back to his tambourine.

[groans]

I'll go talk to him.

Bring back more oranges.

[ominous music plays]

[inhales] One more sound out of this thing
and you're eating it.

-It sounds weird in there.
-Well, it's not. The plan is working.

Everyone loves Rollyfluffs,
and I'm the person who has Rollyfluffs.

I'm top of the food chain!

-Where'd everyone go?
-Probably just went to the glade.

Wait. How did they even know
about the glade?

[strains] What are you doing?
Let me go! Let me go!

Wait, what are they doing?

Something we don't want them
to catch us watching them do.

No, no, no, no, no. No.
No, please. I don't want a Rollyfluff.

I just want to watch videos
of cats chasing--

[Rollyfluff screeches]

[both gasp]

[groans]

[exhales]

So… that was a little weird.

A little weird?!

Uh, a Rollyfluff
just went into Cora G.'s brain!

[gasps] That must be what your Rollyfluff
was trying to do last night.

They wanna take over our bodies
and eat oranges with them for some reason.

-What do we do?
-The only thing we can do.

Mom, we're sick and we need
to stay home from school tomorrow.

Guys, I'm busy
with honeymoon stuff right now,

so I don't have time to prove
you're faking, which you clearly are.

Mom, I'm in terrible danger!

Ben, if kids are threatening you,
just leave the harmonica at home.

Guess who's getting
fancy, color-changing light bulbs?

Cool, right? It can do any color.

Blue, red, pink… What is this?

[romantic music playing]

Okay…

-Marry…
-Me…

-I…
-Love…

You!

-I think there's been a misunderstanding.
-[music stops]

I honestly thought
we both saw this as a friend thing.

-I'm…
-A…

-Honeymoon…
-Sweet…

-Not…
-Ey…

-Friend…
-Sweet!

Wow, you got really sentient. Whoa!

[ominous music playing]

I can see you're upset.

Oh, come on, not the sexy walls!

[yelps] This is a bad way
to process rejection!

[groans]

[yelps]

[music fades]

I just think some space
would be good for us right now.

[foreboding music playing]

[gasps]

This is impossible.

How can you tell who's a Rollyfluff
and who's just a weird tennis kid?

It's pretty easy.

Rollyfluffs glow from within,
connected to the spirit and the earth.

-They're free.
-Ben? No.

They put one in my backpack
while I was in the bathroom.

As you know, I leave my backpack
outside the stall for sanitary reasons.

You're not Ben.

I am Ben, just better.

Better? Your nail beds are orange.

[gasps]

And soon yours will be too.

[dramatic music playing]

Come on, Esther.
You wanted to find your place here.

It's with us… as a Rollyfluff.

[yells]

We don't love the name.

-[Rollyfluff screeches]
-[Esther screams]

[music stops]

[Katherine] Oh, I feel terrible.

Room was so upset.
It backed up its own toilet.

Kathy, this isn't on you.

Who among us hasn't sent
mixed signals to a room?

[sighs] I had one idea I was excited about
and I immediately messed it up.

What's Abaddon doing?

Computer-slash-life lesson.

-See, Abaddon--
-I'm actually good.

I should just move on to another room.
The kitchen feels low-drama.

[ominous music playing]

Room? Why are you in the kitchen?

First off,
that's not how you spell my name.

[yelps]

Nathan, I need your help
with something that's too hard to explain!

[yelps]

[panting]

I've given it some thought.
I don't think I wanna stay friends.

[Esther panting]

[gasps]

-[tense music playing]
-[Rollyfluff growls]

[panting]

[Ben] I can chase you
if I have to, Esther.

Being a Rollyfluff
made my ankle thing much better.

A little better.

[gasping]

-[groans]
-[music stops]

Heather, what are you doing here?

Studying. I'm taking four honors classes
this semester--

Oh my God, not now, Heather.

The Rollyfluffs are monsters.
They're taking over the whole school.

[Rollyfluff snarls]

-Didn't you try to give me one?
-Before I knew they were evil.

It's hard moving to a new town. I just
wanted to know where I could sit at lunch.

So you gave monsters
to all our classmates to make friends?

I don't know. Maybe. Who cares?

I mean, I do,
because I thought we were friends.

[gentle music plays]

[groans] Obviously I know that, Heather.
Focus. There's a monster after us.

Let's make a list
of what we know about it.

At zoology camp,

I learned that many of nature's
fiercest predators have an Achilles heel.

And heels are near ankles. [gasps]

[Ben grunts]

That wasn't the bad one.

-[Esther grunts]
-[groans]

[tense music playing]

They hate the harmonica.

You don't know how to play it.

Everyone knows how to play it.

-[Rollyfluff screeches]
-[plays harmonica]

[screams]

Your brother seems nice.

Okay, let's try this one more time.

This is a computer mouse.

When I say use the mouse,
I don't mean a real mouse. Understood?

Okay, bud. Forty-second time's the charm.

Click the mouse.

Nope. Nope.

-[bell dings]
-Starting to think you're messing with me.

[roars] I give up!
I've lived thousands of years.

I've slaughtered armies
with only my trident.

And I've almost finished
a 100-piece puzzle of Christmas trees.

But I've met my match in this device.

Met your match?

Bud, when I met you,
you were running feral in the woods,

surviving off of squirrels
and the nuts they left behind.

Heck, when I brought you indoors,

you didn't even know
how to sit in a chair.

And look at you now,
standing on a chair for some reason.

I can see who's bald.

Forget about the computer.
But remember this.

I believe you're capable of anything.

[electronic voice] I'm sorry,
I didn't get that.

It does voice commands?

-[Katherine] Nathan! Help!
-Hold that thought.

Katherine! Katherine?

Katherine!

-[screaming]
-Oh, sorry, Fishers!

Katherine! If you can hear me,
the Fishers are having a fantastic time!

-Oh my God.
-[Nathan] Katherine!

Oh my God!

Nathan! I can't open the door! [yelps]

[sinister music playing]

I'm trapped with a bubble man,
and he's gonna k*ll me!

[yelps]

[music stops]

That was easy.

-[gasps]
-[ominous music playing]

-[man on TV] And now…
-You…

-Stay…
-With…

-Me…
-Fore…

Ever.

Nathan!

[music fades]

-Remember, trust no one.
-Got it.

That includes me, Heather!
You failed the test.

But thank you for your trust.

[tense music playing]

-[plays harmonica]
-[groaning]

Everyone out here better have hall passes.

-A teacher!
-That's what you're scared of right now?

Look at his nails!

[growls]

-[plays harmonica]
-[groans]

Run!

[Heather panting]

I know how to turn it on
because I do the morning announcements.

I know, Heather. I hear
your beautiful voice every morning.

Grab that harmonica!

Esther! Now!

[plays harmonica]

[screeching]

Uh, yeah, me too.

-[Rollyfluff grumbles]
-[harmonica stops]

Esther, we have to stop them!
The Rollyfluffs!

Oh, you solved it.

We did it!

[gasps] Look. What if they do
the same thing in that town?

That seems like a them problem.

So, do you wanna come over sometime?

You can blah, blah, blah at me
about nature's predators, or… Or not.

Ugh. I don't care, Heather!

-How about tomorrow?
-Great!

This one goes out to the school heroes!
Esther, Heather, and Monica.

[inhales, plays harmonica]

All is well.

Katherine! I'm coming!

[ominous music playing]

[Katherine] Nathan! The room wants me
to be a part of it forever!

And do you want that?

[grunts] No!

I didn't want to assume.

What if you reasoned with the room?
Tell it you're sorry!

But I'm not sorry! I'm not sorry.

But maybe say you are
so you're not trapped here forever.

No, no, Nathan, you were right.

I'm constantly blaming myself
for things that aren't my fault.

My failed marriage, this failing hotel.

And I'm done!

I spent time with you because I am
a hotel owner and you are a hotel room.

You thought I'd marry you.

Okay, okay. How would that even work?
What would you put on the certificate?

-"Bride and room."
-This is all on you.

And I'm not sorry!

You hear that, room? I'm not sorry!

[yells]

[music fades]

-I'm…
-Not…

-Into…
-This…

Anymore.

[chuckles] What's the matter?

A little pushback from a woman
who knows her worth, and you give up?

Nathan, don't taunt the room
that almost k*lled me.

Good note.

Bye, Fishers. Sorry, Fishers.

Why aren't you at school?

We had a half day
because of a body snatcher situation.

Why is the honeymoon suite in the lobby?

That's what's different!

We had a little hiccup in the renovations,
but I think with a little work--

-[all gasp]
-Huh.

Maybe no honeymoon suite for now.

Damn it. I really wanted that mattress.

[bird tweets]

Birds cannot eat chocolate.

[jaunty supernatural music playing]

[music fades]

[metal creaking]