01x05 - Pale

[bunniefuu]

- [Narrator] Previously on Ezra.

- There's Ian.

You are so in love with him.

- I am not.

- Wow, did you go
to McDonald's today?

- No.

- Weird, I saw you
eating out, lesbo.

- Is she always that aggressive,

or does Halloween
bring it out of her?

- Sadly, always.

- Hope to see you around.

- Happy Halloween.

- Then I met my
best friend, Gwen,

and this guy, Ian,
who's just amazing,

but he just brought
me to a Halloween,

vampire themed photo
op where he almost

just pissed himself like
a pre-pubescent boy.

- If love is true, it
will always be real,

and nothing supernatural
or not can destroy that.

(distant whispering)

(ominous music)

- Are you moving it?

- Yeah.

(sighs)

- Is this stuff even real?

Like, are there really ghosts?

b*tch, you're literally
a mythological creature.

You don't know?

- b*tch, I don't
f*cking know everything.

- I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like
there has to be more than,

than this.

Like the other day
I was reading up

on Filipino folklore which
I didn't know existed,

and I was like, holy sh*t.

The stories they told were
literal coping mechanisms,

the monsters, the aswang,
et cetera, et cetera,

during colonial times.

And then it dawned on me.

This is how my people
dealt with literally

losing their entire culture.

But, this was
pre-colonial times.

So maybe there's an
entire spirit world

that I don't even have access to

because of generations
of emotional trauma.

Ugh, is this naturally
fermented, 'cause,

it tastes kinda funky.

- I literally have no idea.

(glasses clink)

(upbeat music)

♪ Me and my girls,
yeah, call us a coven ♪

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ They got my back
when I go on trusting ♪

♪ Boys, like you

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ The cemetery

♪ Boy, ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P, you're dead to me

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ I hope you're ready

♪ Boy, ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P, you're dead to me

♪ Cross my broken
heart, I hope you die ♪

♪ Die

♪ Cross my broken
heart, I hope you die ♪

♪ Die

♪ R.I.P, you're dead to me

Why are humans, people,
just so complicated?

Like why is there so
many schools of thought?

It's just, try not being dumb.

- Right, uh, anyway,

I was wondering if you wanted
to have dinner tonight?

- Yeah, that'd be really nice.

- With my parents.

(coughing)

- Parents, with my
f*cking parents?

Who the hell says that,
I mean, and a libra-

- What is your issue?

Your psych degree
didn't teach you

to deal with your anxious
attachment problem?

- Actually, I'm
anxious avoidant,

so it'd be better for
me, to anxiously avoid.

- Wow, you've left
your satanic cult,

just to be a little b*tch.

Cool!

- I am being cautious.

- And being chaotic,
I don't know.

- There are rules, strict
vampiric rules that-

Move.

Strict vampiric rules, that
go back hundreds of years.

- Oh, of course there are,

oh, let me guess,
rule number one.

Don't wear anything
other than black.

- Oh my god, yeah,
you're actually so-

No!

Rule number one, never court-

With mortals.

- Oh.

Okay, well what
happens if, you know,

that happens?

- Okay, well, nothing has
happened yet, thank you.

And I'm just, I'm never
going back there, okay.

I'm just confused or concerned

on what happens if they
find out, then what happens?

- No one has found
out anything so far.

And last I checked,
you disowned them.

You came here for your
happiness, E, not theirs.

So go out, have fun.

Ian's a great guy.

And don't f*ck this up.

- Like what is this, drag race?

- Ezra!

You're a genius.

So, mister broccoli and I-

Sorry, Broc, and I,

have been getting to
know one another, and-

(dreadful music)

Turns out we have
a ton in common.

He's really helped me
accept my inner child and-

(dialogue fades out)

- Oh my god!

Congratulations!

I am so happy for you two.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
leave you guys to it.

And have fun.

(upbeat music)

(indistinct dialogue)

- Oh, look at my lovely Ian!

Look how cute you are!
- Here you go, honey.

- Thank you.

Ezra, I've heard
so much about you!

- Mhmmm.
- Chicken?

- He doesn't eat meat, mom.

- Ah, presbyterian, yeah.

- There's the salad.
- The salad, yeah, no meat.

- Gil made it himself,
it's delicious.

- I did, mhmmm, got the
recipe off that show

I've been watching, new
presbyterian cook off, yes.

- Yes, oh yeah.
- Oh, absolutely.

Oh, dig in.

Hey, you good, you okay?

- Yeah, um, I'm just gonna
run to the bathroom, where?

- [Mom] Oh, sure.
- [Dad] Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

- [Mom] Yeah, it's just
right down the hall.

- Awesome, thank you.

- [Mom] Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

(tense music)

- There's no way.

f*ck.

Pick up the phone,
pick up the phone,

pick up the phone,
pick up the phone,

pick up the f*cking phone.

(phone buzzing)

(sighs)

- Aren't you supposed to be
with Ian and his parents?

- [Ezra] SOS, I
have to k*ll myself.

- Just relax, breathe,
you're so dramatic.

- I'm out of blood.

- [Gwen] What?

- b*tch, I'm out of blood.

- Okay, well can't you
just wait til you get home?

- No, if I don't
start drinking soon,

I will not be the flirty,
funny, sexy version of me.

- Okay, well, what do you
want me to do, k*ll someone?

- [Ezra] Gwen, I would
literally never ask you

to do anything you
don't want to do.

- Ezra, I'm not going
to k*ll someone.

- Why must I be subjected
to this torment,

like literally what have
I done to deserve this?

- Just, breathe.

I'll be there, ASAP.

(sighs)

- Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep,
okay, everything is fine,

everything is great, we
are looking dead as sh*t,

but that's great, okay.

I am not live, laugh, loving.

- Yeah, okay, you're still
in the meeting, right, okay.

- Yeah.
- Okay, all right.

- You need-
- Just, you know, eat up.

- Hey, welcome back!

Oh, looking great,
look at that, amazing!

So, Ezra, I heard you're
in the psychology program,

at Woodcrest, what interests you

in our teeny tiny little brains?

(laughs)

- Um, I just like
the understanding of
what makes us tick.

- Well, I think that's great.

Lord only knows
people have issues.

(laughs)

Speaking of which, tequila?

- Ooh, we love tequila here!
- [Ian] Oh, my god.

We literally just
started dinner!

- I'll have one.

(ominous music)

- Hey, need help with that?

(singing)

I don't think that
tiny little figure

can handle all that meat.

Maybe it can.

- [Mom] Come on,
you know the song!

- God, you are so right.

I am so small and so tiny,

would one of you
big strong men help?

(singing)

Maybe one of you should go
inside and tell my friend,

she's also getting lots of meat,

and I'd bet she'd give
anything for the help.

(singing)

- How much meat can you handle?

'Cause, I've got lots of it.

- Why don't you go
in and find out?

(singing)

(door slams)

(cackles)

- So, Ezra, what
does your family do?

- Um, they're in a cult.

I mean like, trapped by
their corporate jobs.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- Yeah, right.
- Insurance, I mean,

like they can't get out of it.

- I had a friend, named Bobby,
you remember Bobby, right?

- Oh, yeah, Bobby,
the little guy.

- Yeah, he's like, looks
kind of like a minion,

but not as yellow, he
did have the overalls,

same thing happened to him.

- [Mom] Yes, yes, yeah.

- Yeah, I just, we're
not, yeah, yeah.

(phone buzzing)

Sorry, give me one second.

It's actually them, right now.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

- [Mom] Yes, yes,
yes, go, go, go!

- [Dad] Oh, what
wonderful parents.

- [Mom] I love that he picks
up his parents' phone calls.

- Come on.

- You found this at the store?

- Him and his friend
were brave enough

to start bragging
about their meat,

so I thought why not
let them be meat?

I stand by my decision.

- I'll take a sec.

(growling)

It's been like,
literally five minutes.

- They love you.

- What?

- I'm so glad we did this.

- Me too.

(spooky music)

- Mmm.

(knocking at door)

- Did you hear?

We found your
little cousin, Ezra.

He fled to the mortal world.

- What?

- Oh, yeah, and I heard
through the blood vein,

that he's in cahoots
with a human?

So embarrassing.

- Find him.

(upbeat music)