01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

(eerie music)

(owl screeches)

(engine rattles)

- Ezra. You can't tell
anyone about this, okay?

- And ruin everything we have?

- Hilarious.

I'm just saying whatever
happened, never happened.

- I love It when you get sassy.

I'm not f*cking
playing. Don't say sh*t.

- Whatever you say officer.

- And no f*cking teeth, okay?

(zipper clicks)

- But I like teeth.

(horrified screams)

[Ezra] Now I know
what you're thinking.

Ew. He's wearing a jacket
with a built in hood.

And when I tell you,
that's what I f*cking said.

That's what I f*cking said.

(rock music)

Hi, I'm Ezra Grey,
a psychotic Gemini

according to my
best friend, Gwen,

she's a Leo,

and I guess what
you weak, brittle,

and not to mention frail,
human things called a vampire.

What I've managed to gather

from being alive for 400 years

is that these people think
they're Jesus amongst dirt.

Humans act like they
know everything.

When in reality
they know nothing.

- And that's why.

Now we were talking
about Mercy Lewis.

Now we were talking
about Mercy Lewis.

She was accusing
Tituba of witchcraft

but Tituba was safe
because she's the sl*ve

of the great minister
Samuel of Parris.

Later, though she is ex*cuted.

(laughs)

- I'm, that's literally not
what happened, but go on.

- And how would you know?

- I mean, I could also
just manage my expectations

considering this
is the same species

that invented Jersey Shore
and Veggie Tales, but still.

'Cause Tituba and I
were girls, besties,

weaving strange spells, were
down goths. I mean like.

weaving strange spells, were
down goths. I mean like.

- Okay, this class
is a joke to you

feel free to let yourself out.

- See what I mean?

What I have noticed

is these people have created
some kind of repress kink.

I'm all about the chase,
but whatever weird

modern societal bullshit they
put on each other around here

is so embarrassing.

Toodles.

The thing about being dead is
I have nothing to live for.

And yes, Nancy drew, if you
haven't gotten it yet, I'm dead.

Well like vampire dead.

Well like vampire dead.

These people might
as well be dead

since none of them are
actually living their lives.

- Okay. As I was saying.

- So for now, I'll just
sit back, relax and vibe.

And before anyone gets mad
at me, he had a girlfriend.

(slurping blood)

I think.

(slurping blood)

Kisses.

♪ Me and my girls,
yeah, call us a coven ♪

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ They got my back
when I go on trusting ♪

♪ Boys like you

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ The cemetery

♪ Boy, ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ I hope you're ready

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ Cross my broken heart,
I hope you die, die ♪

♪ Cross my broken heart,
I hope you die, die ♪

♪ R.I.P your dead to me.

(students chattering)

- Hey bad you.

- What up, b*tch?

- You missed the new guy in
our economics class today.

He was so fizzy I could die.

- Damn it, Really?
- Mhm

Well f*ck me for
having an early lunch.

- This is Gwen, my
BFF, my ride or die.

My bestie in a Tessie.

My bestie in a Tessie.

She takes nothing from no one.

- Okay. We got a very
special treat for you.

Our guest speaker.

Please give her a
warm welcome, Amber.

Amber ladies and gents, Amber.

- Is this thing on? (laughs)

It's not cause
there's no microphone.

Thank you, Professor Smith for
this wonderful introduction.

Hi, my name is Amber, and yes

I'm a part of this
university's diversity club.

- What's your diversity?

- Thank you. I am
so glad you asked.

- Thank you. I am
so glad you asked.

I, my ancestors, my great, great

great, great grandfather
was actually from Holland.

Yeah, he was a farmer there.

Bet you wouldn't expect
that, huh? He was.

Anyways, I'm, I'm
here to tell everybody

that there is a
social mixer tonight

and yes, all races are invited.

- Totally get what
you're saying.

I mean like typical
white people.

My, my grandparents
are Italian, so.

My, my grandparents
are Italian, so.

- f*ck this.

- Oh, we're so
sorry to see you go.

I mean, we would love to have
people like you in our club.

Just leave your
email at the door.

- People like what?

- You know, diverse.

- I do not need to sit here
and tune your moral compass

just so you can feel better
about using people of color

just so you can feel better
about using people of color

to supplement your own personal
gain and lack of trauma.

You know what, you
colonizers, you, you included

just because you are tan
does not make you oppressed.

Okay? The diverse are not pawns

for you straight white people
to grow as a community.

Thanks. I'll definitely leave
my email at the f*cking door.

- That was so iconic.

- Great. You coming?

(class murmurs)

(clapping)

- A play by me.

I scripted that
entire interaction.

Just to teach you
people a lesson.

Now I'll be presenting a song

that I wrote called colorblind.

♪ This world is filled
of different colors ♪

♪ and different shapes
and sizes too. ♪

♪ and different shapes
and sizes too. ♪

- And since that moment
we've been BFF's.

However, she doesn't
know I'm, you know.

- He was extra tasty.

- Oh, I bet.

- I'm sure. you'd
see him, you know,

if you ever showed up to class.

- Okay. I believe I'm
learning from experience.

A book can only
teach you so much.

(phone chimes)

- Ugh, that's my
mom. So annoying.

We have this family
reunion thing tonight.

My uncle's introducing us to
his new 20 year old girlfriend.

- Okay. But that sounds
like so much fun.

- Do you even talk
to your family?

- Does Satan still
talk to Jesus?

- Does Satan still
talk to Jesus?

- Okay.

- If I wanted a headache, I'd
listen to a straight white man

talk about the female body.

- At all? Not even
the cool cousins?

- I have one cousin and
she's actually insane.

Like trust, me these
people are wicked

and not in like the
Broadway musical way.

- Well, this bruha needs
to fly away to class.

I'll catch you later. Bye.

- Peace.

(students chattering)

- From my studies,

if I did have to say
one positive thing
about the human race

if I did have to say
one positive thing
about the human race

it's that their desire for
love is just so intriguing.

- [TV actress] I
know Bethany thought

that she was gonna be the
one but I always knew it.

- I tried to find love once.

And let me tell you
mission not accomplished.

As a vampire, AKA
an agent of Satan,

the holy tradition
of marriage or love

is not reserved for us.

A distant dream in
a far away realm.

But I can definitely
see or envy it's appeal.

But I can definitely
see or envy it's appeal.

- [TV Host] Tonight
on 65 day fiance.

- [Female fiance]
Carl, meeting you

has changed my life, forever.

And I can't wait to spend
the next 65 days with you.

- Oh my god, I'm
so happy for them.

- [Male Fiance] I don't
be with you Janelle.

(gasps)

- The tea.

- But for now I'll just
enjoy judging from afar.

(quirky music)

(students chattering)

- Movies, tonight?
Let's talk about it.

- Anything bloody.

- Nashville Lawnmower
(inaudible) is out.

- Fabulous. Let's do it.

(drink splatters)

- I am so sorry.

- Save it, jock strap.

- What exactly was this?
Red velvet iced coffee?

- I have an iron
deficiency, okay?

It's mixed with vitamins.

It's mixed with vitamins.

- Oh my goodness.

My mom has an iron
deficiency. I'm so sorry.

(students chattering)

- It's fine, um.

Sorry. I was being rude.

- Would this be a bad time
to ask where room C16 is?

- It's just over there.

- I'm Ian, by the way.

- Ezra.

- Ezra.

- Well, if I see you again,
I owe you another drink.

(students chattering)

- Not you, flirting with
the fizzy from economics.

(intriguing music)

- I have to have him.

(Bell dongs)

(ominous music)

(door knocking)

- Did you hear?

We found your
little cousin, Ezra.

- What?

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)

(Meg Smith's Cross My
Heart I Hope You Die)