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01x01 - Conception

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Expecting Amy". Aired: July 9, 2020.*
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American documentary television miniseries directed by Alexander Hammer that follows Amy Schumer through her pregnancy and hyperemesis gravidarum, including the creation of her stand-up special Amy Schumer: Growing.

01x01 - Conception

Post by bunniefuu »

Amy: Hello.

I'm at the zoo.

I-I found out two days ago

that I'm pregnant.

[ Voice breaking ] And, um...

um...

I'm just so excited.

[ Laughing and crying ]

Um...

uh, I don't know.

Maybe...

I'll document it or something.

Gordon:

Ooh, I did not.

Please tell them.

Everyone.

Who's the best dad?

Everyone, I have a joke for you.

Jason: You.

Ha ha! You hear that?

Why did the turkey --

I mean why --

Sandy: But wait.

One more thing.

Do your thing with her,

really quick, for you.

Oh, yeah.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Who's there?

Annie.

Annie who?

Annie who?

Anybody home?

[ Laughter ]

Hi, agents?

I just got a deal.

[ Irene Cara's "Fame" plays ]

Boy, you like singing.

Oh, I like singing a lot.

And how are you?

I don't think you can do

stand-up unless you have

a lot of confidence.

Yeah.

Like, you say,

"I'm going onstage.

I don't play any instruments.

I don't sing."

That's true.

"I want you people to pay

to hear what I got to say,

what I'm thinking right now."

Whoa!

♪ Baby, look at me ♪

♪ And tell me what you see ♪

So, I get labeled a sex comic,

and I think it's because

I'm a woman, you know,

because a guy could get up here

and literally pull his d*ck out,

and everyone would be like,

"He's a thinker."

[ Applause ]

It's true.

But then I mention one UTI,

and everyone just thinks

I walk around,

leaving, like, a snail trail

of c*m and just like --

♪ I can catch the moon

in my hand ♪

♪ Don't you know who I am? ♪

♪ Remember my name ♪

♪ Fame! ♪

♪ Fame! ♪

♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

Here I go!

♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly ♪

♪ High! ♪

♪♪

We're going to the Comedy Cellar

to do some comedy.

Hammer:

Who's doing comedy?

Me.

♪♪

Hello!

Hi, Blue Boobies.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good. How are you?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Robinson: This next young lady,

I'm going to introduce her.

I'm going to bring her up

to the stage.

She's funny as hell.

I don't like her.

[ Laughter ]

Never liked her.

[ Laughter ]

Uh-oh. sh*t! Who's that?

Oh, f*ck!

Give it up for Amy Schumer!

Amy Schumer!

Amy Schume-e-e-r!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

It's up to us

to teach men everything.

Just communicate with them

on understanding

where a woman's vag*na hole is.

Some men, they don't know.

They don't --

Nobody tells them.

Every guy I've ever dated,

his girlfriend should send me

a f*cking Edible Arrangement

because they know what's up now.

This is what we do.

We go back and forth

from the clubs...

Hammer: In the pouring rain...

...in the pouring rain...

every time.

like a real hero.

[ Cheers and applause ]

What?

What do you think --

Like, that is the wrong hole

or not a hole or --

Yesterday I did a show,

and onstage, when I was talking

about, like, oh, wrong hole

or not a hole or --

I'm like, "You have to use

an existing hole."

You know what I mean?

So that just came out onstage.

It's like, "Oh, that's good."

And when you really

realize it --

and I want you to listen

to this part.

[ Laughter, applause ]

[ Cheers ]

It's not missionary,

because most guys can figure out

how to put themselves

inside you missionary,

but you really find out

how they don't understand

when a man goes

behind you, right?

That moment --

Bye, hon.

Open the doors, please.

There can be such a swing

and a miss.

Have you had guys like this?

They're behind you.

They kind of just kneel

back there,

and, like, they just wait.

Did people come?

They did come.

They're here?

Here.

You're on all f--

They just will kind of

just wait there...

with their dumb d*ck,

just, like, waiting,

like a latchkey kid

waiting to be let in the house.

Mol, you want to e-mail

me notes?

"Oh, oh, I've got it.

No, you're --

No, this makes sense.

I'll just rest on my head."

I think you could stay there

with the mic, like,

"You want me

to back it up?"

Like, all that stuff

is like --

You mean stay down?

Yeah, just to see.

But, like, this sort

of desperation of, like,

checking back in

and talking to him, like,

"You want -- Yeah? Okay. Yeah.

This is the best angle. Yeah."

[ Laughter ]

You know, the last two weeks,

I've probably added 5 minutes,

and that's a lot

because sometimes you'll add,

like, one tiny, little tag.

Maybe I should put the mic

on my head.

"Oh, yeah.

I'll just -- I'll use my head

as, like, the kickstand."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

I've been on the road,

and I'm going to D.C.

to do some shows,

and then right after that,

I'm going to Chicago.

I'm doing Vegas.

I'm doing Nashville.

I'm doing Albany, and I'm

at the Cellar every night.

[ Laughter ]

"Okay."

That was a great set.

Thank you.

Garage to the car?

Come on.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, Amy.

Actually, Seinfeld gave me

that tag.

Did he?

"No, that's fine. No.

You've had a long day

making more money than me.

I got it."

[ Laughter, applause ]

Luckily, my husband does not

have that problem, yeah,

because of that joke.

[ Laughter ]

Rainbow!

It's a whole rainbow!

Chris!

I'm peein' in the road.

♪ I'm gonna soak up the sun ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell everyone

to lighten up ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell them that ♪

Amy:

Here is me and Chris.

That's Chris, and that's me.

Us in real life.

And us in real life.

♪ Every time I feel lame,

I'm looking up ♪

♪ I'm gonna soak up the sun ♪

We are gathered here today

for what I've just been told

is a Jewish wedding.

Now, what I like about Chris

and Amy's love

is that it is an evolved love.

It's two great grown-ups who are

simply ready to hold on

to each other real tight

as our great nation

burns to the ground.

Amy, you're beautiful,

resilient, powerful,

and also the craziest and

kindest person I've ever known.

I f*cking love the sh*t

out of you.

I'm so happy for you

that you found me.

[ Laughter ]

♪ All I do is win, win, win,

no matter what ♪

♪ Got money on my mind,

I can never get enough ♪

♪ And every time I step up

in the building ♪

♪ Everybody hands go up ♪

We're doing 42 cities,





Let's rock.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And they say, "Yeah!" ♪

♪ Up, down, up, down, up, down ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

Welcome Amy Schumer, everybody!

♪ 'Cause all I do

is win, win, win ♪

♪ And if you going in,

put your hands in the air ♪

♪ Make them stay there ♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Crying ] Wish me luck.

[ Barks ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

First morning puking.

It's exciting.

Ooh!

Okay. So, so far...

[ Chuckles, sighs ]

...um...

[ Clears throat ]

I'm a little

over 5 weeks pregnant,

and, uh...

[ Sighs ]

I was feeling good,

and then the last, like, 4 days,

I feel...

like I have the flu all day.

I've felt nauseous

every morning,

but this is the first morning

I...

I got up and just puked a bunch.

It's kind of exciting.

[ Chuckles ]

Like, I don't really mind it.

It's, like, knowing what

it's going to be for --

I did --

I'm in Minneapolis.

No.

I'm in Michigan.

I did a show over 7,000 people

last night.

And, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

I'm on the road,

just a working comic, puking.

Hammer:

Got to be pregnant.

I f*cking love

being pregnant.

I feel great.

We're --

We heard the heartbeat

for our little Mets fan.

[ Laughs ]

I don't care.

[ Chuckles ]

We just heard the heartbeat,

yeah, and...

that sh*t is deep.

That's crazy!

It's so real.

Hammer: Do you want to say

something to the baby?

What's up, baby?

You are very little.

You're the size of a pea.

We're taking really good care

of you.

Yeah, and you're going

to get bigger,

and we don't want you

to be body-shamed.

Eventually, you'll the be size

of a lima bean, and that's fine.

Okay. You guys look.

No, no. We look together.

Okay.

Okay.

What?

Ooh!

It's a boy!

Yay!

Congrats!

[ Laughs ]

[ Crying ]

Aww. [ Laughs ]

I bet $100.

It's going to be

a professional athlete.

Gender is a construct.

[ Laughing ]

Amy.

Aww.

Now we start gender...

You're gonna have a son,

my friend, a Jewish son!

Down with the patriarchy!

I can't believe we're going to

have another white man

in this house.

Okay, guys.

Quiet on the set.

Come on, Rachel!

Come on!

Stop stuffing your yap

and come on.

I'm pouring coffee!

We saw you swiping.

Can I pour a little coffee?

Okay, guys.

Welcome to our podcast...

Robinson: Yes.

...where we talk

and we listen, and that's it.

That's honestly it.

No. We're talking about

making a difference,

making a difference.

Have you guys ever made

a difference?

None of you

have done anything.

How dare you? Okay.

So, making a difference --

Probably a couple deaths.

Whoa!

Kane: I've got a question.

What?

Because you do have this, like,

injustice trigger.

Yeah. I don't like injustice.

And once it's pulled,

there is no going back.

I see red.

Have you ever --

Has the trigger

ever been misfired?

Like, has it been pulled

and you totally misread

something?

Oh, I can find injustice

in every moment.

There are definitely so many

things where I've misread,

misjudged, opened my dumb mouth,

and later realized...

I was always really pro-choice,

and so being pro-choice

in the '80s in Kansas was not,

like, a hot thing to do.

Were you outspoken about it?

Like, did people know?

Really outspoken about

being pro-choice,

and I'm really proud of that

because it wasn't easy

to do at that time.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

No, I'm psyched we're losing

all our rights.

I want to wear a bonnet.

I'm -- I'm -- You know?

Who am I to make decisions

about my own body -- a man?

If I get pregnant, I'm supposed

to decide for myself?

No. I want someone who's like

you, sir, to --

You tell me, please.

I don't know what to do.

All: [ Chanting ]

No! No! No! No! No!

Whose courts?

Our courts!

Whose courts?

Our courts!

Women aren't mentioned

in the Constitution,

which, weirdly,

a lot of people don't know.

The reason I'm going

and the reason I'm doing it

is to link arms with women

fighting for their own safety

and equality.

Thank you to every single

person who is standing out,

speaking up, not giving up.

I want to give a heartfelt

thanks.

Women who like me --

I want to inspire them

to get active to vote,

you know, and let them know

that I'm with them.

Use your voice.

Use your vote.

Use every platform you have

available to you to be heard.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I am also...

about 9 weeks pregnant.

All: [ Chanting ]

We believe survivors!

We believe survivors!

We believe survivors!

Hey, hey!

h*, h*!

Kavanaugh has got to go!

Hey, hey!

h*, h*!

Kavanaugh has got to go!

Hey, hey!

Hi, Zola.

I'm here with your mom.

She loves you very much.

I think we're going

to get arrested.

[ Crowd chanting indistinctly ]

This is sort of the scary time

in a pregnancy,

but this moment in our history

is too important,

and I want to go for every woman

and for my own baby.

I want to be able to say,

"I did everything I could

to stop that nominee

from being confirmed,"

even knowing that the outcome

might not be what we wanted.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Moments before we were

getting arrested,

I knew me might not

be able to get food,

so I was, like, you know,

Cookie Monster

crumbling, like,

some granola bar in my mouth.

I was like, "If anybody, like,

looked around

and then found me"...

Live pictures here outside

the Senate Hart office building

certainly speaking

to the passion of the moment.

Reporter: This demonstration

began hours earlier.

Amy: ...which is also funny,

because, you know, like,

the stuff I get trolled

for online is being overweight.

This is a cover story

on The Guardian.

Hammer: Jesus.

[ Laughs ]

I didn't know I was obese.

I, um --

I, like, eat when I'm stressed

and depressed

or when I'm happy, uh...

[ Laughter, applause ]

...or when I'm tired, but, uh...

yeah, this last week

was super bummer.

The best way I can explain it

to men is,

did you guys watch

the Yankees game last night?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like that, but instead

of you not getting to wear,

like, a championship hat,

you keep getting

sexually assaulted

and no one believes you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my God!

He's moving all around!

Oh, my God!

See? It has so much energy.

That's why I'm puking every day.

[ Chuckles ]

It's so easy.

Oh, I had an orange.

Mm-hmm.

A clementine.

Then what put you

over the edge?

[ Sighs ]

I think --

How do you feel about, um...

getting back into doing

more shows this week?

Oh.

Okay.

♪♪

♪ Lift your feet ♪

♪ Off the ground ♪

♪ You learn to feel ♪

♪ Through the skies ♪

♪ I'm not ever going to

come down ♪

Tatiana, come here!

♪ From high up here

with you ♪

♪ Let's just leave

the world behind ♪

♪ 'Cause this world

tells the truth ♪

She's announcing me.

By a show of hands, who thinks

I should puke onstage?

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, ohh ♪

I can throw up right now.

You feel sick?

[ Coughs ]

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, ohh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh,

oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

[ French accent ] "No,

I will not kiss you.

Okay. Just one kiss.

But then I must go.

♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, ohh,

whoa-oh, ohh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, ohh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh,

oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

[ Normal voice ]

Just k*ll it.

Can I try one

of your wings?

Yeah.

You sure?

Not that one.

This is so good.

Mm-hmm. It's so good.

Yeah.

I have a new order to my set.

And, uh, they say before

you go onstage,

you should eat a lot

of fried chicken.

Mm-hmm.

That's what all

the greats did --

Carlin, Pryor.

I think they did

a lot of drugs.

What?

I think they also did

a lot of drugs.

Oh, it was drugs.

Yeah.

Woman:

Amy, you want to go on?

You ready?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, guys,

so much for coming.

[ Cheers and applause ]

My husband didn't pull out,

so I'm pregnant!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Great. Will you hold it here?

Will you hold where the baby is?

[ Laughter ]

The black baby

that's coming.

[ Laughter ]

Right here!

♪♪

What are you nerds

talking about?

Boobs.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

Wait. That's f*cked.

[ Sighs ]

It's not to fair to say

that someone looks

like an Internet troll,

but speaking

of Internet trolls...

Hello, Kenny.

Hello, baby mama.

[ Laughter ]

This is so Long Island.

Oh, my God.

Everyone looks like my mom.

Is everyone my mom?

Look at this.

Like, who's not my mom?

Oh, my God.

I just think that we need

to raise men to be nicer.

Yes!

You know?

But we got to start

from the beginning.

It's up to us, you know?

We've all been part

of the problem.

It's like when we teach

these boys at a young age,

we're also teaching the girls

of how to let themselves

be treated.

So you're a little girl

and a boy teases you

or he's mean to you at school,

what do they say?

"'Cause he likes you."

"He likes you!"

And you're like, "Okay. Great."

[ Laughter ]

"He knocked my books

out of my hands."

"Oooooh!

Looks like somebody has

a little boyfriend at school!

That's a good thing.

That's good he did that."

"Okay. Great."

[ Laughter ]

"He pushed me down some stairs."

"You're going to prom!"

[ Laughter ]

"There's a guy down that road

jerking off."

"Don't go that way.

Go the other way."

You just don't go that way.

And you're like, "How about

we just remove that guy?"

Yeah. Like, does anybody think

we should maybe talk

to that guy?

Utah, you guys are crazy.

You guys --

"Utah, I totally got the clap

last night"

or something like that.

Yeah.

There's points when you get

real serious.

You did some good --

Well, we can take those out.

No! I think the opposite.

The opposite.

I think let's just work

on it.

Do you think it's enough

to do a special?

This is ready for us

to do something.

It's in there.

It's totally in there.

Okay.

I feel like...

I should...

film -- film this...special.

Yeah. What's the circumference

of your p*ssy hole?

If somebody went down on me

right now, they would die.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Do you have anything

in a gaping?

How 'bout that?

I'm seeing, like,

so many different cool ways

to put this out,

and one of the ways

we're talking about

is just stripping down

and make it a really

minimalist thing.

Yeah, right,

and how does that --

What do you think about that?

I don't know.

I want to see what that

looks like because --

When would be the date

you're filming?

I could film it in, like,

a week,

or I could film it

in a couple weeks.

My only fear is that

if we stick to that,

are we missing

something great?

I don't think that the set

is perfect or where it could be.

Like, you know, just doing it

more and more, like,

it'll just get

better and better,

but I'm not going

to get any smaller.

Like, you're pregnant,

but it's not, like, everything.

[ Barking ]

[ Audience "Awws" ]

Hey, honey.

[ Chuckles ]

Thanks, baby.

Tatiana, do your trick.

Wait. She has one trick.

Tati. Tatiana.

Tatiana.

Tat.

[ Laughter ]

She's like,

"Is this in the round?"

[ Laughter ]

Yes, Tatiana.

Woman: So cute!

Tati, sit. Sit.

Sit. Sit.

[ Laughter ]

Tatiana, sit.

Good girl!

[ Applause ]

Okay. Who wants her?

[ Laughter, applause ]

Thanks, Kenny.

Could a scarier guy

come out to get her?

[ Laughter, applause ]

He's going to just take her

and have her put down.

...station.

This is 96th Street.

[ Dogs barking ]

Tati!

And now is the part of the night

where we sit on the couch...

...and eat damn peaches.

[ Vomiting ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

Oh, God.

Puking a lot.

My face looks, like,

thin for me.

Anyway, not what

this video is about.

This video...

is about...

Chris Fischer.

Chris is the sweetest guy

in the world.

You've been taking care

of me every day,

and now you're making me

a peanut-butter-and-banana

sandwich

because you're

the best husband in the world,

and I love you.

I know I'm going to probably

be mean to you tomorrow,

but I won't forget tonight.

♪♪

Grow, grow, grow.

That's what your baby's doing

around the clock

at a pretty spectacular rate.

It won't be long before your

bigger-by-the-minute baby

and uterus start making

your bump look bigger

by the minute, too.

Mmm.

♪ Bagel through the hole ♪

♪ Bagel through the hole ♪

[ Vomiting ]

[ Groans ] Help!

Amy: Fennel! Yay!

Oh, my God.

That's what we can name our son.

We're not naming

our son Fennel.

Tatiana, sit.

♪ Broccoli, Brussels sprouts,

cauliflower ♪

♪ For an hour ♪

[ Vomiting ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

I've had it.

White flag.

I don't think

this is normal.

I had, like, a month

I wasn't sick, right?

Woman: Barely.

I'd say four days.

No.

The first month?

Oh, yeah.

No.

You were sick immediately.

You're right.

You're right.

Like, we found out

you're pregnant,

and you were

immediately sick.

[ Vomiting, coughs ]

This is too much.

Kane: Quickly, can I go over

some of these notes?

Yes, please.

"Oh, he likes you, he picks on

you" kind of thing, right?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

When you get to, like,

"Pushed me down the stairs"...

Uh-huh. Right.

Right?

...it can be, like,

really f*cking awful,

like you were attacked,

and then the word "prom"

is like, "Hmm? Prom?

Did somebody say 'Prom'?"

You know what I mean?

Oh, great.

That's really funny.

You know what I mean?

Like, "So forget it.

I have a date."

Yes. That's very funny.

Kevin's really good

giving me performance notes.

He's so sharp.

Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

A lot of comedians forget that

they're making people laugh.

Like, you forget

what you're doing.

You get so into your timing and,

like, using the audience

as lab rats.

It's, like, all about you,

and then I was, like, touring

a lot a couple years ago,

and I told myself,

"I'm going to quit after this

tour, so let me enjoy it.

This is my last time

on the road,"

and I, like,

fell back in love with it.

[ Dog barks ]

Hi, Tati.

Hi, Berk.

Chris:

It's nice to see you.

It's been a while.

Yeah. Good to see you.

I'm not putting a bra on

for this show.

No?

No.

I'm keeping my sweatpants on...

Are you really?

...and these slippers.

I mean, I can't feel any worse,

so...

might as well do

a f*cking show.

This is why we have

to be careful.

You're going places

too far.

I know. I know.

This is too much.

You know, you really did

advise me not to,

but I was like,

"I got this."

Babe, I need you

to do my act.

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

What's my opening joke?

"Tarrytown,

you guys are crazy.

You got me really f*cked up

last night."

I have a nice padded,

like, piano stool.

If you want to sit down

for any reason,

we can bring it out.

I don't know why

that sounded so creepy.

Try to have fun.

f*ck you.

So, I'm so sick.

I threw up...

a ton on the way here.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Every night I've been going down

to the Fat Black Pussycat

and working out the hour there,

and then every night I get sent

the video of the night

so we can take notes.

And then I was watching

the tape, and I was like,

"No, this is exactly

what I want."

It's really intimate.

It's close.

Like, I'm trying to create

this vibe in other venues.

Why not just use the one

that already exists?"

Oh, I can't wait.

So I was like, "Let's go."

Hammer: How long

have you known Amy, then?

I've known her since we were 12.

Exactly the same.

She's literally exactly

the same person.

She really doesn't care

what people think about her.

She was always like that

from as long as I've known her.

Trying to get out

of the shot.

Model alert!

Okay. Netflix said...

"Yes."

New date.

My company can do it.

This is big.

This is cool.

You're reading this just now?

Yeah.

Photographer: Everybody, just

give me one look right here!



At the camera!

Beautiful! Wow!

Yay!

Gorgeous!

He turning?

He's trying.

Dude, you got it!

He's facing the camera.

We -- Oh, sh*t,

there's paparazzi.

Hi, Samuel.

Samuel: How are you, dear?

There's a 1,000% chance

I'm going to throw up.

Oh, don't worry about --

I have your bags, though,

by the way.

Oh, okay, cool.

The one that I threw up in?

No, you did not.

Oh.

You haven't used it yet.

How is that?

Oh, yeah.

I need you to drive, like,

real sensitive,

no short stops, no flooring it.

We'll be in business.

Okay.

I think

we're being followed.

[ Laughing ] I know, Samuel.

Yeah? Okay.

Chris:

Kevin's behind us.

Uh, what's your take on it?

You think Amy's

pushing herself too hard?

You think she's got it?

Uh, she always pushes

herself too hard.

[ Chuckles ]

Thanks for your time.

She does, ever since

I've known her.

Ever since I've known her, she's

always pushing herself too hard.

♪ The first shot of the show ♪

I think the doing, the making

is what she loves the most.

The results stuff

is really --

really annoys the sh*t

out of her.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, the premieres,

getting your picture taken,

having to sell it,

all that stuff.

Or, like, "It's great,

it's whatever,"

you know, or "It sucks."

She doesn't care

about any of that.

It's just the process

of making

is where

the most joy comes from.

Her life being

in a new phase,

just kind of shifting into this

completely new thing,

and she feels like she needs

to get this out now

'cause there's going to be

a whole new set of material

where that's going to be

more relevant to her.

You know, I saw ideas growing

when we were in Long Island.

I was just like, "Dude, damn,

a month of touring

will make this step possible."

It seems like

we're in school

and we're just trying

to fit a project in

before the semester runs out,

you know?

I think Chris is drugging

my food.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

That's what's happening.

I should be feeling

totally good,

but he just puts a little

cyanide in each portion.

We're doing it.

We're going to get

a ragtag crew together.

So, the plan right now

is to sh**t what days?



Yeah. Are you available?

Jump pass.

Oh, I'm Atlanta. No.

I think the problem with this

room is that it's just small.

That's why I decided

to sh**t it here.

Okay.

Would you ask for mozzarella

sticks from the bar?

Yeah.

I would love 45 to 50 people.

You're saying more seats

on the sides?

And then we add

more seats in here.

What should I say to Netflix?

I'm about to talk to them

on the phone.

I know they're going to be

nervous about this space.

Dynamic.

Just say dynamic is -- Yeah.

Yeah, no,

it's very dynamic.

How about I say, "I think

you'll be really surprised"?

That's good 'cause

that leaves anything.

Oh, my gosh.

I just sent for these.

One show Saturday.

Oh! Okay.

My reason for wanting

to sh**t it in a rush like this

is because I'm going to

get more and more pregnant.

It's a visibility thing.

It's a visibility thing.

It's also the stuff

that's on my mind so strongly.

I know.

Hi.

How you doing?

Nothing.

I'm just doing a scout.

I think you'll be

really surprised.

It's actually

superdynamic texture.

It'll look very different, and

I'm really excited about this.

Oh, yeah.

It's a different room.

It's, like --

It's the Fat Black,

so it looks very different.

And I'm sorry, but you know

I have to eat every 5 minutes

or I'll throw up.

By the time we're taping,

it will be a tight,

worked-out,

you know, formed set.

Yeah, I'm taking Zofran,

but my body has just

kind of been laughing at that,

but, you know,

I'm at 12 weeks,

and I'm supposed

to start feeling better.

I have a show.

I have a show in one hour.

[ Toilet flushes ]

♪♪

Just if you're drinking

at the bar.

Amy Schumer!

Aah!

♪♪

There was a protest that my

wonderful mother went to,

and Amy was there.

Hi, Zola.

I'm here with your mom.

She loves you very much.

I think we're going to get

arrested.

That's Zola.

Zola?

Yeah.

And you brought flowers

for Amy because...?

Yeah, I did.

'Cause, first of all,

I wanted to congratulate her

on her pregnancy.

Also just wanted

to thank her, you know,

for keeping my mom company

and using her voice

to speak out.

This special is my favorite

one I've ever done.

It's the most personal to me,

and, uh...

But it's also, like,

this moment in the culture.

Like...

people just might not

want to f*cking hear it,

and, like, I don't blame them

if they don't.

But all I can do is do my work

and not try and make

everybody happy,

you know, just try and be proud

of what I'm doing.

♪ I'm more than what you see ♪

♪ I'm more than what you

se-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hello.

It is 3:00 in the morning.

[ Coughing ]

And I just threw up blood.

Um...

I'm 14 weeks pregnant.

I've been very sick.

Part of me feels like

I'm so proud

to be doing stand-up right now

and sh**ting a special,

but --

[ Coughs ]

But, really I'm, like,

"I don't know

how I'm going to f*cking do it."

I'm having a really hard time,

and I have a new respect

for everyone

who's gone through this.

I didn't know that you got

so sick

for so much of your pregnancy.

Is that stupid

I didn't know that?

I didn't know that.

♪♪

Hammer: It seems like

it's lasting a long time.

Yeah.

Is it normal for you?

Every pregnancy

seems to be different.

Some people are, like,

hospitalized for months.

Are you hanging me?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, everybody says --

What's hard for me --

Uh-huh, yeah.

What's your experience, baby?

Let me hold your hair back

while you throw up.

No, everyone says

second trimester

is like this dream period,

and you just feel

like such a woman.

You're just, like --

You feel amazing

and like a superhero.

And I am now 3 weeks

into my second trimester,

and I'm as sick as ever.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Is that good?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah? Good.

I'm glad

you can have sushi.

You were eating sushi

for a while.

Yeah, well,

my friend's a nurse,

and she said

that the umbilical cord

doesn't attach yet

so early in my pregnancy.

I was eating sushi.

What, am I under attack here?

♪♪

♪♪

Chris: [ Laughs ]

You had your own smoothie.

You're right.

So why did you drink my smoothie

that was for me?

I thought

you were done with it.

Why?

Because oftentimes you get

a smoothie --

It was too cold.

You're right.

And a lot of times,

it sits around,

and then it never

gets drank, so --

I was depending on the rest

of this smoothie.

Well, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have

drank your smoothie.

Um, but, anyway...

[ Tommy Newport's

"Mr. Angel" plays ]

♪ Say, Mr. Angel ♪

♪ I'm sad ♪

♪ Would you help me

sail straight? ♪

♪ Don't want to crash ♪

♪ And my thoughts

are all getting bad ♪

♪ Holding me at bay ♪

♪ But I still feel glad ♪

I'll have to make fun of you

for one hour.

Thank you.

Did she pee or anything?

No.

Tati, go to the bathroom.

Tati, you want go Kim?

You know that we taught Tati

that the word for bathroom

for her

is my sister's name, right?

They go, "You need

to assign it a name."

So we made it Kim.

Go Kim.

Kim?

Yeah.

So whenever she poops

or pees --

Good girl.

Good Kim.

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much!

♪ You know I love it,

love it tonight ♪

♪ Taking me for granted,

granted my light ♪

♪ Oh, you know I need it,

need it tonight ♪

♪ Loving single-handed,

handed for life ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

Thank you so much.

We'll see you guys tomorrow?

Great job.

Great show.

Thank you so much.

So hilarious.

Oh, thank you.

All the way down there.

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

When are you thinking

about announcing?

You almost said the sex of the

baby last night onstage.

No, I did say the sex

of the baby onstage.

Well, I mean you covered,

so...

I covered its shitty.

Yeah. Yeah.

I go, "This dude -- or chick.

I don't know what it is."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Um...

I just want to, you know,

maintain the saying,

"I hope it's a girl,"

for the joke.

[ Laughs ]

That's it.

Yeah.

Hammer: Can I ask, are you

feeling, like, any sort of,

like, resent, like,

towards, like, the special

or towards, like, even, like,

your pregnancy or, like --

Resentment?

Yeah.

I don't resent

being pregnant.

I resent everyone who

hasn't been honest.

Like, I resent the culture

and how much women

have to suck it the f*ck up

and act like

everything's fine.

I really resent that.

Ohhhh.

I don't know.

I'm still encouraged.

I'm not getting down about it.

I don't wish

I wasn't pregnant.

Like, I'm still happy

I'm pregnant.

Even while I'm throwing up,

I'm not --

If I miscarried right now,

I would be --

Like, I could start crying

even just saying that, you know?

But that's also why I joke

about it so much.

I joke about things that I'm,

like, deathly afraid of.

Do I sound like a little

whiny b*tch, honestly?

I just don't want people

to think that I'm, like,

this much of a masochist

who, like, was like,

"I don't care. I'm going to be

throwing up every day,

but I'm going to do this."

I already had these dates

planned,

but I don't resent

the special.

I'm so excited.

I'm going to be so proud.

But I'm scared.

♪♪

Amy: Why don't we speak to

somebody who has done something

who's just

a little younger than us?

Everett:

Let's get inspired.

So, Alice, we really all wanted

to have you on the show

because we all admire you...

Thank you.

...and what you've done.

How are you? You're 43?

No, I'm 11.

You're 11. Okay.

Can you tell us a little bit

about "Raise Your Hand,"

about your book

and about your initiative?

So, "Raise Your Hand" is a book

to help encourage girls

to be more confident

in class,

and I got this idea

when I was noticing that boys

were raising their hands

in class more than girls.

Do you remember the day

you really noticed that,

or did you just kind of start

noticing it in general?

I kind of just started

noticing it.

I mean, I didn't really pay

attention to it at first,

but then I was realizing

this was repetitive.

There's something that

you said in the book --

this is like...

Hot off the presses.

...hot off the presses --

about when you raise

your hand

and you're afraid

you're going to be wrong,

and I think sometimes

I still feel like that.

So maybe this isn't going to

just be for young girls.

It's going to be for women

in their, um, 40s.

Yes.

[ Laughter ]

So, if you get it wrong,

hopefully get it right

the next time,

and, you know --

Exactly.

Facing your fears

makes you stronger.

Raising your hand,

even though it's one thing,

is such a symbol and really,

like, is a life-changer,

you know, because

if you speak up in class,

you're more likely to speak up

for yourself in all situations.

And if you really try something

and you try really hard

and you get other people

to join you,

you can accomplish it.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

our next president,

Alice Tapper!

And so that's really good

for me to hear, you know,

as somebody who's

going to be a mom,

to instill that in my child,

you know?

I don't want girls

to be better than boys.

I just want them to be

treated as equal.

I'm here.

Oh, she's here. Okay.

No, I don't,

but that's what scares me.

That's the thing. Sometimes

I'll be feeling so much better.

Then I'm like, "Maybe

I'm through it," and then...

[ Thunder rumbles ]

I did a show last night.

I have a show tonight, and

I've been throwing up all day.

I sh**t the Netflix special

in 2 days.

I can't keep anything down.

I think I might throw up again,

but I'm not sure.

[ Groans softly ]

I threw up so hard yesterday

that...

I popped all the blood

vessels in this eye,

so that's good for camera.

[ Clears throat ]

I feel so nauseous.

There's people

with worse problems.

There's women who would k*ll

to be in my position

and be pregnant,

and it makes me feel selfish,

but -- but, also,

you have to have space

to really, like, feel --

feel for yourself, I think.

[ Groans softly ]

And even though I have

really good support systems --

I do -- it is you going

through it alone, you know,

'cause it's your body.

And now I have to, you know,

film this today, and...

I have to get in the shower

and then get hair and makeup.

Today will be fun.

You know, I'm trying to be

strong for myself and Chris,

and my sister is here,

and I just want to get

through this special.

Mm. But I'm having a hard time.

[ Vomiting ]

I'm so sorry, guys.

Kane: No.

Shh.

[ Vomiting ]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, sh*t.

What about the taping?

That's seeming

a little unlikely.

We're headed to the hospital.

I haven't been able to keep food

or water down.

♪♪

I have been vomiting

since 6:00 a.m.

Okay.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and I

can't keep anything down today.

I'm in a lot of --

Just everything hurts.

Lightheadedness, dizziness,

feeling like you're

going to pass out?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, Pancake House.

No.

Okay.

So easy.