Baltimorons, The (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Ah...

There.

Okay.

Two, one.

Really?

-How did the meeting go?

-Pretty well.

I, uh, was trying

to make change

in the donation basket,

and I only had a 20,

so I was trying to get 17 back.

Three bucks

I thought was enough.

But, yeah, the lady who was

speaking was like,

"Seriously, man?"

Because she thought

you were stealing

from the donation basket.

-Oh, I think I was just being

too noisy, that's all.

She didn't think

I was stealing.

So, yeah,

that's all that happened.

That is...

I think --

I think -- I think that's

all that kind of happened.

-Hmm.

-Nothing at all

seemed to be cool.

-What's in your mouth?

-I'm just having a chip.

-What is that?

-Nothing. Nothing.

-What is that? Let go, let go.

I don't wanna hurt your teeth.

Let go, let go.

Six months?

-Just a little chip.

-This is a big chip.

-Six months in a row.

-Well, I'm really proud of you.

This is a really big step.

-Thank you.

Yeah, it's half a year.

-I am so --

-Oh, gee. Oh, wow. Drunk driver!

-That isn't a funny joke.

-I know.

That's not funny at all.

-You haven't been

a drunk driver for six months.

Yeah, no, we can definitely work

on your timeline.

It was Cliff's dad's house,

so it's empty.

Yeah. Yeah.

I wanna completely gut it.

Awesome. I --

I'll talk to you soon, hon.

Okay, bye.

So that was Timmy's

cousin's friend, Hunter.

And he's not a contractor yet,

but I think that's a good thing.

-Yeah. No, that's --

-That would be cheaper.

-That's really, really great.

-Yeah.

- That's a good move.

-W...

W-Why is he saying,

"See you tonight?"

-I have no idea. It's nothing.

-Why is Marvin texting you

about a show?

-It's nothing.

-What are you all doing

out there?

You coming in or not?

-Hey, Ms. McIntyre,

we're coming in right now.

Okay?

We're just gathering our wares.

Seriously, it's nothing.

I made my mom's world famous

sweet potato casserole for you.

-We already have my sweet

potato casserole, but thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Hey, Mom, can you actually

just give us one -- one minute.

What is going on?

-Nothing. Seriously.

Marvin is doing this

Christmas Eve

pop-up comedy show,

and I've told him several times,

I'm not doing it.

-But why is he texting you,

"See you tonight?"

-I don't know. I've told him

twice now, I'm not doing it.

-Brittany.

I need help with the crab ba*ls.

-Yeah, we're -- I'm --

I'm coming.

Remember you promised me,

no more alcohol,

no more comedy shows.

-Yes. Don't wanna do

a show tonight.

All right?

-Here they go again.

-Are you being straight with me?

-Yes, 100% I'm being

straight with you.

-Are you sure?

-All right? Yes. I'm not lying.

I do not --

-It's in the past.

-I do not wanna do a comedy

show, I really don't.

All right? Look.

Where's my phone?

Here. Hold that.

I will show you.

I've texted him twice now.

See?

And I'm gonna text him again,

"I'm not doing the show."

Okay?

-I am -- I'm sorry.

-All right? Here we go.

-I'm sorry. I just --

I thought --

-Yeah. Merry Christmas.

No, I don't wanna do it.

-I was worried you

were backsliding or something.

Merry Christmas.

-Oh, Merry Christmas.

-Ohh! Oh, oh!

-Oh, my God.

My God.

-Cliff, what just happened?

-Mm. God.

-What did you just do?

-Ow.

Ohh.

-Oh, my God.

-Uh-oh.

-What? Holy sh*t.

Ew!

-Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Hello?

Hey. H-Hi.

Is this the dentist?

Yes. Um, are you open?

'Cause I've tried a bunch

of you guys, and you're not.

Okay. I'll be there.

Where are you located?

Hello? Hello? Ow. Ow.

Come on.

-You can stop that now.

-Sorry. Oh, are you the --

are you a dentist?

-I am.

-Great.

Do you need this?

-Hang on to it, will you?

-Okay.

Hard to get a dentist nowadays.

-It's Christmas Eve.

-Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh.

Is that your family?

Oh, no. Have I messed up

your Christmas?

-Just sign these two forms.

-Yeah. All right.

Should I come back there?

-Yeah, let's go.

Okay -- Ow.

Uh...

What's the needle situation?

-The situation is

that we use needles.

Uh, is there any way

we can work around that?

-Well, it can't hurt any more

than what's going on

in there right now.

Sit.

I'll just hang this

up for you.

-Sorry.

I put my napkin

on for you.

-Lovely. All right, lean back.

Open your mouth.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is that?

-It's just a topical, it's gonna

numb you for the needle.

Ow!

-I'm sorry. A-Are you okay?

Yeah. You're hardly

gonna feel anything.

You're a big strong guy.

-Okay. I know it's stupid.

Just do it, all right? I...

Ah, ah.

Mm.

-Keep that there.

Oh...ah...

-How we doing?

-Better. A little better.

Can we -- Can we just use

the topical?

-That's not gonna cut it.

-Okay. Open your mouth.

-Hello?

Huh?

-Ha! Aha!

How?

How?

Hey.

How? Ah.

-You feel that?

You should be really numb.

-I don't feel anything.

Did that big thing go in

my mouth yet?

-It sure did.

-Oh, my God.

-All right.

This is temporary filling.

You will not feel it at all.

-It's like a construction site

in there, huh?

Shh-shh-shh.

-Okay. Please keep quiet.

-Like men at work. Sorry.

Sorry. Women at work.

Oh, actually...

people at work.

-Open.

-Oh, little party light,

huh?

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

-Shh.

Party.

Ah ah ah

Oh, party's over.

-You need to keep your mouth

dry, so if you keep talking,

I'm gonna have to put

a muzzle on you.

-All right, I'm just gonna

look in here again

and see

if everything looks just great.

-Wow.

Look at her go.

-It's nice.

-Yeah. It's nice.

-Yep.

-Yep.

-We did good.

-Wow.

You're so pretty.

-You're on nitrous, buddy.

-Doesn't mean you're

not like a superhero.

A super pretty hero.

Super pretty woman hero.

-All right,

I'm putting in the spacer.

-For real? Come on man.

Ah, okay.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

You smell nice.

You smell very nice.

-I don't know if you know

this or not,

but you are not allowed to tell

women how they smell anymore.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I -- I have a girlfriend

who smells, too.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you. Yeah, she's smelly.

She wants to move

into the scary house.

I don't wanna go there.

-Uh, I'm gonna have

to take this.

-Do you have a -- a bathroom?

Because I gotta --

I gotta tee-tee.

-What's going on?

-Okay, so Dad is -- he

and Patty got -- got married.

Sorry. And he's saying

he's basically doing

this celebratory

get-together thing.

-When?

-Tonight.

I don't wanna go,

but I kind of feel like I --

-No, when did they get married?

-This morning.

At the courthouse.

-So they're doing their

reception on Christmas Eve?

-Ah.

A pink cloud.

-He did tell me to invite you.

-That's fantastic.

Best Christmas ever.

-I feel really bad, Mom.

I -- I know Christmas Eve

is your favorite.

-Yeah. No, I'm sorry.

It's great. It's fine.

It's g-- It's okay.

-Sorry, Mom.

Did you cook

everything already?

-No. No.

I'll cook everything tomorrow,

and then you come over

after you're done.

Whenever you want.

-Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

I love you, Mom.

I'll see you tomorrow.

-Merry Christmas. I love you.

God.

-Everything okay?

-Everybody's always eating

my g*dd*mn snacks.

If you come back Monday,

I'll put the crown in.

-Okay. Um, sounds great.

-How's 9:15?

-That sounds good.

Um...

Hey, if you're hungry,

my girlfriend's mom has this

delicious Christmas spread.

Lot of food.

It's actually just RoFo,

chicken, western fries.

But if we get there

early enough,

we can get some crab ba*ls.

-No.

Thank you.

-I mean, you got the thorn

outta the grizzly bear's ball.

I feel like I owe you.

-We'll settle your bill

on Monday.

-All righty.

Looking forward to it.

Oh, man. That's not good.

That is not good.

Come on, Cliff. Golly.

And we're surge pricing.

Oh, an hour fifteen.

Wonderful.

Okay.

It's all gonna be okay.

-Hello?

-Hey. Um...

-Hey.

-I might be a little bit late.

Is the food already ready?

-Almost. Are you okay?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm completely fine.

But just promise

you won't get mad.

But my car got towed.

-Again?

-And it's surge pricing

right now.

And...

-Brittany.

-Is there any way that

maybe you could just like...

-Hold on. I'm coming!

-...pop out for --

-My mom's burning

the crab ba*ls.

Gotta run. Sorry.

Just let me know when you're on

your way, okay?

-Of course. Yeah. Okay.

-Okay. Yep. See you soon.

-Okay. Bye. Yep. Great.

Well, I could just hitchhike

from downtown Baltimore.

That's probably good.

-What is it?

-Just my car got towed and

nobody is able to come get me.

So, do you know

where the closest bus stop is?

-Come on. I'll drive you

to the tow lot.

-No, no, no, no, no.

You have done more

than enough for me, Dr. Lady.

Just -- Is it doctor?

Is it just doctor? I'm sorry.

-Doctor is fine.

-Okay, great.

But seriously, do you know

where the closest bus stop is?

-They're probably

not even running today.

Come on.

I'm not gonna ask again.

You like Remington?

I love it.

I hope to have a home here

one day, you know?

And on that home, I want a mural

that is just so specific to me.

You know?

It really fits my

heart's desire.

The theme is woodland creatures.

I want it to have like a little

fox coming out of a window,

a tiny little, like, raccoon

in the corner

that I'll call Randy.

And then, a giant cat that

looks exactly like Garfield,

that kind of

takes over the whole --

Forget I said anything.

Did you smile?

-It was funny.

-Really?

-You in need of validation?

-Sadly, yeah.

I do.

It's not the best

sober behavior, but...

-Oh, you're sober?

That's odd because

I usually like sober people.

-Dr. Daw with the sweet dig.

It's kind of starting

to come back to me now.

Was I flirting with you?

-Not that I remember.

-Good, good.

'Cause I'm engaged.

-You told me.

- Stop.

-Oh. What?

-Sorry. Um...

God.

I'm just kidding. I'm okay.

Me and my girlfriend's place,

just like right over here

to the left.

Can we just do a quick,

quick, quick little detour?

Thanks so much.

Okay. Just a little detour

for your tummy.

Oh. Oh. I know you're hungry.

Have you ever had sweet potatoes

with candied pecans?

-Yes, I have.

-Have you ever had

my sweet potatoes

with candied pecans?

-Look, that's very sweet,

but, no, thank you.

I'm hosting a dinner

in literally an hour.

-Okay, well.

Oh, oh. Oh, wait.

There's melted marshmallows.

I mentioned the candied pecans,

right?

Just take a little bite. Here.

-Get away from me with that.

What's wrong with you?

-Everything.

Here, take a bite real quick.

Please? Please? Okay.

You like the choo-choo train?

A chugga, chugga, chugga,

chugga, chugga, chugga,

chugga, chugga, chugga.

We are now boarding

your tummy.

-Your neighbor is staring at us.

-Hey, Bert!

He's the best.

Here. Ready?

And oomph!

-God.

It's good.

-Okay, let's go.

I'll give you another bite

at the stoplight.

-Oh, now we can go.

-Come on.

Waiting on you.

It's gonna take forever.

Sorry.

That was my girlfriend --

fiance.

I keep forgetting that.

It's just such a small window

of time.

It's like,

why do we even need it?

-People like it.

-Are you married?

-I was.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Did he k*ll himself?

-Why would you say that?

-It's a dumb joke.

I didn't mean anything.

It just --

It does happen though.

It sounds like it didn't happen

to you, which is wonderful.

-You know, people say

that divorce is actually harder

than if they died.

-Yeah.

'Cause when you have a kid,

you never really get divorced.

And then it starts all over

again when you have a grandkid.

- Well, don't have kids.

-I love my kid.

-Dominique?

-Dominique?

-Just took a shot in the dark

for her name.

-No, her name is not Dominique.

-Okay. Raquel?

-Stop it.

-Okay.

There she is. My Coupe de Ville.

-A White Cadillac?

What are you, Milton Berle?

-Oh, yeah. It was my dad's.

Time to get her back.

Well, Dr. Daw,

I thank you for your excellence

and looking forward to see you

on Monday.

-No solid foods for an hour.

-Great. Thanks.

Hello?

-What are you doing?

-Just to get you outta the way,

little guy.

There we go.

Oh, oh.

No, no, no. sh*t.

-Oh, sh*t.

-sh**t. God.

-Yeah. Hi. Get down.

-Wait. You're still here?

-Get down. Yeah.

-All right. Where is he?

-He's coming right at you.

-What? He is? Where?

-Move it. Move it.

Go. Go to the trucks.

Go. Go in between

the two trucks now. Now.

-Okay. Okay.

-He's walking right at you.

-What trucks? What trucks

are you talking about?

-They're right there.

The only trucks there.

-Oh, okay. Got it, got it,

got it, got it, got it.

-Back your a*s

between the two trucks.

-I'm going. I'm going.

-And get down.

Down. Stay down. Stay down.

-Okay. Okay. Okay.

-Shh. Calm.

He's going to his truck.

-That's good.

-He's doing something

with a lever.

You know those things

that you bring a car in?

-Yeah, the cars. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how a tow truck works.

-The thing. You know,

the truck has the car on it.

-Okay. What -- What's the

information you need to tell me?

-Please stop talking.

-Okay.

-Oh, oh, I think he's leaving.

Could you please stay down?

-Where is he? Where is he?

-Duck down.

If you don't trust me,

this is not gonna work out.

-I trust you. I trust you.

I just wanted to see.

All right?

-Uh-oh.

-Uh-oh, what?

-Oh, boy.

He's locking the gate.

-Locking? Okay. Um, uh...

Drop your car off here

and tell him you got towed.

-Oh, I'm going to drive up

to him in my car

and tell him I got towed?

-Okay. Yeah.

No, that was stupid.

Sorry, I was just thinking

on my feet.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He's leaving.

Hey, hey! Stop!

-Hey! Hey!

Did he stop? Did he stop?

Hey! Hey!

-He's gone.

Sorry, kid.

This spiky stuff,

it's around the whole perimeter.

-Yeah, it's galvanized

double barb.

Brittany is gonna be

really mad at me.

-No, no, no, no. Get down.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna call the guy

and tell him to come back,

and you are gonna get in

the trunk of your car,

and I am gonna come

and drive you out.

-Good idea.

I didn't think of that.

That was good.

-Voicemail. Hello.

My white Cadillac

got towed today

and I need to get it

as soon as possible,

so please call me back

at this number.

Okay.

-Mother of pearl.

That's the color

of the Cadillac.

Oh, my buddy Marvin

and I did a sketch once

where I had my nuts

in this --

Doesn't matter.

Not an important part.

Let me give him a call.

Oh, thank God you answered.

Hey, I need a favor, bud.

Oh.

Marvin. Hey, yo.

What's going on?

-You owe me now, big boy.

You better be there tonight.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, totally.

If you could do one

more quick favor,

can you pop that lock for me?

-You want me,

a Black man in

Cherry Hill right now,

to break into a tow yard?

-No, I don't want you

to do that.

-Hi.

-Ah. Who the hell is this?

I'm Didi.

-That's my dentist.

That's so adorable.

Your name is Didi? I love it.

-Look, you two,

this isn't really my scene,

so if you could grab the bolt

cutters out the back,

I could be on my way.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Absolutely, yeah.

Thanks again, bud.

-I know you secretly

want to do the show,

so see you tonight, Santa.

-Yeah. All right.

Now, Didi, if you don't feel

comfortable popping the lock,

I certainly could --

Wow.

-Okay.

-Yeah, no. You can just

leave 'em. I can --

-I'm gonna go.

-Way to go.

That was awesome.

Wow.

Can't you just make me a plate?

-Oh, my God.

You scared the sh*t out of me.

-Sorry, that was

not my intention.

I've got a pocket full of cash

and I'm hungry as a bull.

I'm taking you to dinner and

I'm not taking no for an answer.

-No, no. Thank you.

-Come on. You got me out of

two jams today.

Let's get a bite.

-I have plans.

-All righty. Um...

Okay. I...

Real quick, before you go,

I have a little confession.

I overheard you talking to

your daughter in the office,

and I know you don't have plans.

Um...

I was looking for the bathroom,

and I had a tinkle

and I couldn't find it --

the bathroom --

and I just...

wanna take you to dinner.

-Why do you wanna have

dinner with me?

Aren't you already late

for a party?

-'Cause we're having fun.

-We are?

-Aren't we?

Besides, they're already

out of food,

and we got five or six more

felonies we need to commit.

So we're gonna need

that tummy full, okay?

So you in?

-It's Christmas Eve

and there's nowhere

we can eat that'll take us.

-Follow me. I got an in.

-No!

-Yes!

Bada ba bum ba ba, charge!

My lady.

-I can get out of the car

myself, you jackass.

-All righty.

Didi with the rough language.

-Wow. Hampden is happening.

-Yep. It's a hip little spot.

-I think the last time

I was here was Y2K.

-Oh, you're kidding me.

I was 10 then. Or was I 9?

Can't remember.

I know I was young though.

-Fantastic.

-Yeah.

- Hey.

It's that way.

Yeah, this is it.

Hang tight out here.

I'm gonna go work my magic.

Used to barback here.

Well, they said

an hour and a half

to three hours.

Probably closer to three hours.

Nobody in there remembered me.

-Told you.

Well, kid, it's been fun.

I'll see you Monday.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, no, no, no, wait,

wait, wait. Oh, hang on.

I used to work at

a couple places on this block.

Come on. Come on.

Let's go, Dr. Daw.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much, Alvin.

We are

about 5 to 10 minutes away.

Awesome.

We now are on the wait

list at Rocket To Venus.

It's right up here.

-So, you're

in the restaurant business?

-No, I...

used to do it

to support my sketch comedy

and improv habit.

-Wait, what?

-Sketch comedy.

Have you ever seen the TV show,

"Laugh It Up Live"?

-You were on "Laugh It Up Live"?

-I was not,

but I came really close.

-So that was your job?

-No.

You do not make any money

doing sketch or improv.

The only place to make

money doing it is on

"Laugh It Up Live" in New York.

And it's almost impossible

to get.

-Sounds like a rough business.

-It is.

And something messed up

happened,

and that's

why I don't do it anymore.

And now

I am a mortgage broker.

- Come on.

-Don't call a stranger,

call a loan arranger.

-I'm not -- I'm not --

I'm not kidding.

No, no, no. Seriously.

Yeah, I just took the test.

I think I aced it.

Pretty sure I passed.

Oh, God.

I don't know if I passed.

Anyway, how about you?

You always been a dentist?

-Yeah. I'm -- I'm sorry.

-No, it's okay. Yeah.

Why are you the only dentist

who picked up on Christmas Eve?

-I have been told

that I am a workaholic.

-Well, if you love what you do.

-Mm.

-Do you have

any other kids or grandkids?

-Just the ones at my ex's house

with my ex

and his much younger wife.

But thank you for reminding me.

-Sorry. Just kind of

keeps coming up organically.

-Uh-huh.

-All righty. This is it.

I'm just gonna see how many

more minutes we got on the wait.

All righty. We got us a spot

at the bar in 10 minutes.

I told you.

You okay?

You know the --

this is really odd,

but my entire family is

two blocks that way,

having some kind of reception

or something.

-Your family lives

on 34th Street?

-No, just past it.

Well, it's my -- it's

my ex-husband's house.

-Wow.

John's?

-What?

-"John's."

I just said a common name,

'cause you didn't tell

me his name yet.

-His name shall not

be mentioned.

He was a high school sweetheart

who turned out to be

a nightmare.

-Totally. Of course.

-I'm gonna go.

-Oh.

You're gonna -- You're

gonna go to the party.

-Yeah, they asked me to go.

I'm gonna go.

-No, that's great. Yeah.

Um, cool.

Uh, want me to walk you?

-Sure, if you want.

I'm just gonna run in here

and get a few things.

Oh, sh*t.

-Wow.

You look really pretty.

-Oh, cut it out with that.

-Geez, I'm just saying you did

something, and I noticed it.

-I'm not Miss Maryland, okay?

Here, hold this.

-Okay. Yeah.

Lucky us,

we get to walk down 34th street.

-Oh, no way. I hate that sh*t.

We're going around.

-Okay.

-Wow.

-Here it is.

-Oh, this is it?

This is a choice.

-Well, wish me luck.

-Best of luck.

Knock 'em dead in there.

-So, I'll, uh, see you Monday.

-Yes, you will.

-Thank you.

-I got you.

-Thank you.

-Maybe they're around back.

-You think?

-I have no idea.

-You know, I actually have never

been inside this house before.

You know what?

I know it was

like a fun idea for a minute,

but I think the moment

has passed,

and I think I'd

rather just call it a night.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, this -- this

is pretty scary.

- Yeah.

-But you know, if -- if

you're just gonna do a pop-in,

I can walk you back.

-You mean walk me back or --

or go to the party with me?

-Whatever you want.

-I think I'd like you

to go to the party with me,

if that's okay.

-Hell, yeah.

-Yeah?

- Let's crash a party.

-All right. How's my makeup?

-Um, am I allowed to say?

-Uh-huh.

Is my eyeliner smearing?

-No, here, I -- I got you.

Hold on.

It's perfect.

You're gonna be great.

-You just watch me.

-All right.

-Hello!

Merry Christmas.

-Mom?

-Where's my Maddie?

-Hi, Didi.

-Ha ha. Look what I brought you.

I got you some

Berger Cookies.

Cliff, this is my daughter,

Shelby,

and my granddaughter, Maddie,

and, um,

everyone else.

-Hi, everybody. Cliff Cashen.

Really, really thrilled

to be here.

Thanks for having me.

Merry Christmas.

-Is that the ghost from

Christmas Past?

Gotcha.

-Where's the next

Ghost of Christmas Past?

Is Patty here,

or did you divorce her already?

-Wow. Oof.

-Mom, you just got here.

-Well, I guess

that makes me the Ghost

of Christmas Present.

Cliff Cashen, still really,

really thrilled

to be here, g*ng.

Thank you.

-Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm Shelby, Didi's daughter.

-Oh, my goodness.

I've heard so much about you.

Your mom's pretty awesome.

-I didn't think you'd

actually come.

-What's going on over here?

-I can't open it.

-You know how you get

into this little guy?

You need bear paws.

-What are you doing here?

-I wanted to spend

Christmas Eve with my two girls.

Rawr!

All right.

Let's see this.

-Who is he?

-He's a client.

-A patient?

-Yeah. He cracked his back right

30 and then his car was towed.

-Oh, yeah. Super clear now.

-Can I have this one?

- No.

- What? Why not?

-Because you're a bear.

-Patty, look who's here.

Wife. Ex-wife.

-Hi.

-Congratulations.

-Yeah, thanks.

-And Cliff Cashen.

Super thrilled to be here.

Where are you gonna

put the jelly?

Oh, over there?

-Oh, I don't think there's

enough snow.

-That's a great spot.

-I'd say so.

-Hey, what are you guys having

your own party up here?

-You wanna go put some cookies

up for Santa?

-Hi, I'm Patty.

It's nice to meet you.

-Hey, nice to meet you.

Cliff Cashen.

-Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Yeah. I love your veil.

-Oh, thank you. Cliff Cashen.

That sounds like

a porn star name.

-Hey, Maddie's right over there.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I know. Hang on.

-Anything for

enough cash, right?

-Hey, Dad. Sorry.

We actually have to head

out soon.

It's past her bedtime.

-It's Christmas Eve.

She can stay up as late

as she wants.

-Well, Santa's coming and

we kind of need Santa to come,

so we gotta get home soon.

-Okay.

-Hmm.

-I just think it's a --

it's a little rude that you

brought your own

people to the party and

then came up here and made

your own separate little party

away from everybody else.

-Ah, here we go.

-Okay.

Well, you --

you did tell me to invite Mom.

-Cliff, this is Conway.

-Conway? Wow.

Never would've guessed that one.

All right.

That's a pretty name.

Is it named after the street

or that annoying little

country singer, Conway Twitty?

- Neither one.

-Oh.

-Thanks for coming tonight.

-Thank you for having me.

You kind of look like him

a little bit. Handsome guy.

-So what's going on with,

uh, you two?

-Well, sir, uh, Dr. Daw --

-It's none of you

g*dd*mn business.

-Mom.

-Nice mouth.

-Okay.

-Merry Christmas.

So glad you could make it.

-Okay, guys.

I think we're actually gonna

head out.

-Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It was my fault.

-Well, can you stop?

-It was my fault.

I'm sorry.

-Well, I love that shirt.

You guys wouldn't happen

to be Ravens fans, are you?

-Are you kidding me?

No, not at all.

Oh, no. We are big-time

Bird Ball fans here.

-Yeah.

-Are you guys going

to the Steelers game

on New Year's Day?

- No. No.

Those tickets are impossible

to get a hold of, no.

-Yeah. Only bankers,

doctors, and lawyers

are going to that one.

-Oh, yeah. And dentists.

-Who? Her?

She doesn't even like football.

-Ah, well, I do now.

-Yeah. Yeah.

She didn't tell you?

Oh, my God.

Dr. Daw is

Lamar Jackson's dentist.

You remember

the game against the Browns

where he chipped

his canine in like week eight?

-No way.

-Way.

I like that guy.

He's very nice.

-Oh, yeah. The nicest.

Really great kid.

Probably the best

quarterback we ever had.

-I miss Flacco.

-Yeah, I figured you would.

He was the last

White one, right?

-So?

-Anyway, are you guys,

like, looking for tickets?

-What the hell, are you --

-Hmm?

-Are you kidding with me

right now?

-Do you guys mind sitting

in a box?

-Get out of here.

-What? What do I have to do?

What do I have --

I will do anything.

-Nice.

-Yeah, yeah. I figured.

Well, I just --

I don't usually tell

people this,

but I work for the Ravens.

-Oh, my God.

-I'm given a couple tickets

to each game for special

occasions like this.

-We're gonna be in a box?

-Mm-hmm.

-Babe, we're gonna be in a box!

I've never sat in a box before.

-How much?

-Gratis.

Uh, anyway,

yeah, just call it a little

newlywed gift for you two.

-Okay, hey.

Well, that's a good egg

you brought over here.

What can we get you, Cliff?

-Whiskey?

-Anything.

-Crab cake?

-Natty Boh?

-You hear that, Didi?

They got crab cakes.

-Oh.

-Of course we got crab cakes.

I'm a crabber.

I caught 'em myself.

-I'm looking for soft shells.

-Well, they're out of season.

Good luck keeping

that one happy.

-Oh, who? Deirdre?

She is like a juggernaut of fun.

We've been having

the most amazing day together,

haven't we?

-Yes, we have.

-Yeah. All right.

Here's the deal.

I'm gonna write my number down

and, uh, you call my office,

and on Monday, we'll have

those tickets for you.

Oh, my God.

-And I'll see you

at The Bank on New Year's Day.

-Oh, my God. Hon, you are --

I mean, you are -- You --

-I'm pretty great.

-Yes, you are. Oh, my God.

-We're going to The Bank!

-Okay. Okay. Okay.

-I'm going to The Bank!

I can't believe it!

-I'll be right back

with some refreshments.

-Babe.

-Okay, that's my cue.

I gotta get out of here.

Hey, Maddie, come say bye.

-We're going, too.

-Oh, we're leaving?

-Yeah, we're out of here.

-Yeah. This party's getting

kind of lame.

-Good job.

Yeah.

Snug as a bug. Let's go.

Good night.

I love you both so much.

-Really beautiful family.

Let's hustle up.

-Hustle up? What do you --

-Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. No biggie. Let's rock.

-What's going on?

-Nothing. Let's have some fun.

-Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, all right.

Here we go.

f*cking guy.

-So, you work for the Ravens?

I literally don't know

what to believe.

-I do not work for the Ravens,

all right?

I'm trying to become

a mortgage broker.

I was gonna tell you though,

that I

put this little Christmas

miracle together in a week,

but I figured I'd take

it easy on you.

- You are a real

Eddie Haskell, aren't you?

-Who's he?

-The kid from

"Leave It to Beaver."

He was full of sh*t.

-That's not me at all.

-It's exactly you.

-It is not me.

-And I still don't know

what you do.

-I'm trying to be

a mortgage broker.

All right?

-I know what

a gift of equity is.

I know that "refi" is

an abbreviation of refinance.

These are a couple questions

I got right on the test.

-Oh, look at these crabs.

They're so cute.

You see 'em?

-Those are cute.

-Whatever you did back there,

that was great.

-Thank you.

-That was basically improv,

right?

-Yeah. You know,

I guess the suggestion was, um,

be Didi's hot young date.

And I just kind of

"yes, and'd" that.

-Yes, and?

-You can't move forward

unless you "yes, and."

You gotta be open to everything.

-So you do that on stage

in front of everybody.

-I did.

-Yeah.

That sounds like a nightmare.

Oh, see, now we call you

a "no butter."

-I love a good no.

And I love a big butt.

-You mean like this big

old booty?

Boom day, boom day,

boom, boom, boom.

See, now we made it a joke.

We should go to an improv show.

-You wanna go to an improv show?

-Or sketch show, comedy,

whatever it is that you do,

did do.

Uh, I, um...

It's -- It's --

It's late, right?

We should probably,

like, wrap this up.

-Oh, you don't wanna go home.

Come on. Come on.

We're just getting started,

right?

-We're just getting started.

-Mm-hmm.

-Give me one second.

Hey, how you doing?

Uh, real quick, um --

-What is going on?

-I know you didn't want

me to go to Marvin's show,

but it's like actually on the

way back to your mom's house.

Is it in the world

of possibilities to go do that?

Hello?

-So you did want to do a show.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just

gonna kind of pop in

and just kind of say hi, uh,

'cause I haven't seen

those guys in

a long time, you know?

Um, and I think it

would probably mean like a lot

to Marvin and to me.

-Um...

-I don't know what to say.

We already opened presents.

You've already missed

the whole day.

You're picking your friends

over me on Christmas.

-No, I'm not doing that.

I'm just thinking that maybe

if it's, uh, possible --

-Well, just do whatever

you want.

I gotta go.

- Hello?

Yes. Incredible.

Okay. Um, yeah, we'll

just go there and then, um,

I'll see you in a little bit.

Bye.

-Everything okay?

-Yeah, let's go see

that improv show.

-Yay!

-Yay.

-Oh, and we have to get

some soft shell crabs.

-Okay. They're not gonna have

soft shells at the improv show.

Probably just jelly beans

and vodka, so...

Hey, how's it going?

-Good.

-Good, good.

Good that you're good.

-Are we going?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. We're gonna go in.

I-I-I just haven't -- I haven't

been around this crowd

or seen this scene since I,

um, I -- I got sober.

-Okay.

-So the thing

that happened to me was, uh,

I was in this troop

called Improv Baltimore,

which is like the main

improv crew here.

And I got fired.

This guy Kayden said

that I bullied him.

-What happened?

-Uh, one night after a show,

I was really banged up,

and we're not really friends.

And we got into this argument,

and I just said,

"You're not f*cking funny."

-Is he?

-Nope.

But it is kind of

the meanest thing

you could say to somebody

in comedy.

-They fired you for that?

-Yeah, he said

he didn't feel safe

around me, and I guess

Improv Baltimore

didn't want to get in trouble.

And...

they let me go.

-Well, we don't have to go.

Let's just go get

some soft shells.

-No, I want to go. I -- I do.

And I didn't realize I wanted to

until you said you wanted to.

I'm just a little scared.

-So, let's go.

What's the worst

that could happen?

-A lot. A lot of bad

things could happen.

Buckle up.

I thought we were going

to a comedy club.

-It is a comedy pop-up show.

-In a gas station?

-Auto body shop.

Marvin's uncle owns it.

-No way.

Thought you were

f*cking dead, man.

Hey-yo, Prince.

We got Clifford,

the Big Red Dog out here, bro.

-How we doing?

Good to see you.

-When you're

rappin' in the zone

Pay when I wake up

before I hit the phone

Bills pilin' up

in that rat hole

-Hello.

-Hey.

-How you doing?

-I'm a little nervous.

How are you?

-Great.

-This is Didi. Tonya, Didi.

-Hi.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-What do you want to drink?

-Is it weird if I get

a drink, drink?

-Be weird

if you didn't get a drink.

-Okay.

-All righty.

-All right.

Gin and tonic, please.

-You got it.

-Is that Kayden in there?

-Kayden? Kayden?

-The game we all love is

-f*ck.

I did not see him come in.

f*ck that guy.

And f*ck "Laugh It Up Live"

for listening.

-Nah, no.

It's all good.

Um, let me just get a soda.

-Whoo!

-Merry Christmas,

Happy Hanukkah,

and Festivus

for the rest of us.

Welcome to the show

with no name at Mel's Auto Shop.

But who needs labels anyway,

right?

A lot of people, it turns out.

Our first performer

tonight is a real treat.

We haven't seen him around

these parts for quite some time.

You may remember him

from his hometown sketch,

the Baltimorons.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have him here tonight.

Everybody, let's give a big hand

for my guy, Cliff Cashen.

- Oh, maybe not?

-No, no. Guys, I'm --

I'm all good.

Thank you so much.

I'm super sober

and just here to,

uh, laugh as a civilian.

-Get up there, Cashen.

-No, no, I'm good, seriously.

I'm all good.

-You don't wanna do it?

-No, I really don't wanna do it.

-We don't want him --

-You don't wanna go up?

-Balti-morons.

-No, I really don't.

-Next please.

-Balti-morons.

-But they want you to get up.

- I really can't do it. Okay?

-Look, if I can go to Conway's,

you can do this.

Rip the Band-Aid off.

Come on. You got it.

You got it.

-Baltimorons! Baltimorons!

-Here's the Baltimoron,

Cliff Cashen.

-Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo!

-All righty. Hey.

Hi. Um, okay.

Yeah, it has,

um, been a minute, right?

I guess you can call

this a little bit

of a Christmas miracle, huh?

All righty. Um...

My partner in crime for

the Baltimorons sketch, Sally,

is not here tonight, so, uh,

I guess she didn't need

her tires rotated

along Christmas Eve.

'Cause we're in auto shop, guys.

-We get it. Do Baltimorons.

-Yeah.

Yeah, no. Um, to do

the Baltimorons Sketch,

you're gonna need

an actual volunteer.

-Uh, no thanks.

-How about Kayden?

- f*ck off.

-Oh, thank you so much for that.

Good to see you.

Merry Christmas.

And just trying

to maintain 50 feet, so...

-I'll do it.

-Oh, we got one.

-Sit down.

-We had one.

We had one and lost him. Okay.

Um, hey,

how about you, Paul?

Wanna come up for

old time's sake?

-Okay.

Uh, Tracy? Gina?

-I don't think so.

-This is pathetic.

-Oh, Jesus. Okay.

Well, you know what?

This has been a ton of fun.

A real blast for everybody

who was involved.

Um...

I guess you can call this sketch

Flop Sweat, brought to you

by my armpit and back hair.

There's a couple laughs.

Thanks, guys.

Appreciate it.

-Okay, wait, I'll do it.

-No, no, no, no. We don't need

to continue whatever this was.

Okay? It's all good.

No, we'll take a seat.

No.

-Just get up on the stage.

Okay. Um...

-Uh, still no.

-It looks like we got

a real moron here.

All right. What is your name?

-Didi.

-Nice. Very pretty name.

-Have you, Miss Didi,

ever seen or done improv

before in your life, ever?

-Nope.

-Wonderful. Great.

That's what we're

really hoping for.

Someone who has no idea

what they're doing.

You're about

to experience something

that not many people

get to go through,

which is called a b*mb.

It's an experience you

really can't get anywhere else.

All righty.

For a suggestion,

I'm just gonna ask Miss Didi

what she does for a living.

-I am a dentist.

-Great.

This is a new take

on the Baltimoron sketch,

where one Baltimoron

goes to the dentist.

Let's give us some love.

- What do we do now?

- A "yes, and."

-What's a "yes, and"

what to what?

-Everything. Okay.

You got me into this.

You're gonna get me out.

Hello?

Is this the dentist's office?

-Oh, yeah.

-Is there a reason

why the door's locked?

Is it 'cause it's Christmas Eve

or because we're in Dundalk?

-I --

-Okay. Just a heads-up.

We are in

a dentist's office here.

Cool? For everyone involved.

Okay?

-Okay.

-Awesome. Let's start up again.

Here we go. And...

-Okay.

-Come in.

-Oh, thank you so much.

You know, I thought

you were just gonna have

me hang out here

with a molar in my hand all day.

-No. Come in.

Come in to my dentist's office.

This is my dentist's office.

-Okay. Is that

how you talk to clients?

-No. I have a receptionist

and she does all this chitchat

with them.

-We don't have a receptionist

here today, do we?

It's just me and you

on stage, okay?

-Okay.

-And we're back in.

Wow.

Is a nice place you have here.

-Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I designed it myself.

-I don't really love

all the Civil w*r paraphernalia,

particularly from the South.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not mine.

-Yes, it is. Yes, and it is.

Yes, and it is.

Remember?

-Okay. It's mine?

-I don't know!

-Okay. It's...

Yes, yes.

It's my uncle's.

-Oh.

-'Cause he was

a hardcore r*cist.

So...

-Okay. Yeah. Well, I would

think about getting rid of it.

-Well, you know what

I'm gonna do?

I am going to sell it

and -- and donate that

to the homeless.

What do you think about that?

-Wow. That's really,

really nice of you.

It is. If you called 'em

by their proper term,

it's unhoused.

That's strike two.

-Oh, Jesus.

-No, the name is Jerry.

All right?

But, um, do you use needles

in this dentist office?

'Cause I get a little fainty

when needles are around.

-Oh, yeah. I use needles.

I love 'em.

I love to stick

'em in real deep.

-Okay. Okay. You know what?

I think I got the wrong dentist.

Thank you.

But I'm okay. Good-bye.

-Okay. Bye.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is the part in the scene

where you have to stop me

from leaving.

We're in this together, babe.

Let's do it.

Okay, let's keep going.

All right, here we go.

And take two.

That strike three. I'm leaving.

Gotta say something, okay, Didi.

-All right.

Okay.

-All right.

It's just me and you up here.

You don't wanna be up here

by yourself, right?

-No, I don't.

-Okay, let's take it

one more time, okay?

-Okay.

-And action. Take three.

Grab me! Okay.

-You scared me.

-I didn't mean to.

-Okay. Wait. Wait. Don't go.

Wh-What is a big guy like you

scared of a little needle for?

-Wow. Okay. You know what?

You just body shamed me.

Yep. You just called me

legally obese.

-I did not.

-Well, that's what I heard.

You know,

I could have your job for that.

Wow. You know what,

I'm -- I'm really sad now.

I'm -- I'm gonna go.

-No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Nothing to be afraid of.

-It's just that I've

been hurt so many times before.

-Aw. You're a real soft shell,

aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Have a seat.

-I've never been so scared

and turned on

in my whole entire life.

This molar just seems to get

harder and harder in my hand.

Is that normal,

dentally speaking?

Yes, and.

-I feel the same way,

and, yes.

-You switched it.

It's okay though.

-Okay.

You're a real

Baltimore man, aren't ya?

Unfortunately, that's my type.

-Whoo!

-Me, too, girl.

-So I think, um,

we need a needle.

-Just make it up

with your imagination.

Grab it from anywhere.

Okay?

Good choice.

-Ptt. Ptt.

-Okay. Sound effect's

a little tacky, but whatever.

-Now, don't worry.

It's gonna really hurt

in the beginning,

but after a while,

it's gonna feel really,

really, really good.

-Geez, um...

you know, I'm starting to think

I don't really need the needle.

I think I just need you.

-Is that romantic

Muzak I hear?

-I want you to

-Do you do this

for all your patients,

or just the ones

look like out of work

electricians?

-You know, it's funny.

I don't hear a thing.

It must be in your head

because I am so pretty.

-Yes, you are.

-I want you to remember

All these times together

-So what do we do now?

-In my, uh, dramaturgy class

that I took

at Elkton Community College,

the professor said that every

scene is a seduction scene.

-And of all the kisses

-So, are you trying to seduce

me, Dr. Didi?

-I want you to

-Maybe.

-Remember how

I want you to

-End scene.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing

the new and improved

Baltimorons!

Give it up for Didi

and my guy, Cliff Cashen.

-Baltimoron! Baltimoron!

Baltimoron! Balti--

-Hey. Hey, wait up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-I gotta go.

-Can you just wait one minute?

Can you give me a minute,

please?

-Why? Why?

-Look, I -- You were

really funny in there,

and about the kiss,

I didn't like --

-Oh, God, please,

please, it's fine.

It's fine.

-No, it's not fine. Okay?

When you were going in for

that kiss, I -- I panicked

'cause I smelled alcohol

on your breath.

I haven't

drank in six months.

I haven't smelled alcohol

in six months.

I-I-I --

I tried to k*ll myself.

After I got fired,

I attempted to hang myself.

And the only reason

why I'm still here is because

the belt broke and I was holding

a little bit of holiday weight.

-Wait, are you...

Are you joking?

Because I don't know

what's funny here.

-No, I'm -- I'm really not.

I...

The only reason why I'm still

here is 'cause the belt broke.

But it's kind of funny.

I mean, you -- you can laugh.

-What holiday was

six months ago?

-I had like 40 corn dogs

on the 4th of July.

But that was after

the -- the attempt.

30 minutes ago,

I never thought I could do

what I did up there

with you, sober.

And being up on stage

with you just now was like...

So what do you say?

You wanna keep this thing going?

-What about your fiance?

-"Hope it was worth it.

I'm going to bed."

She put her phone

on do not disturb.

-So this is what it's like.

-What?

-Being the other woman.

-What do you say, Didi?

You got any ideas?

-So you've just been holding on

to a key to Conway's boat

for all these years?

-Yep. Just in case.

-Wow. You're a damn pirate.

-Well, I paid for

the damn thing.

-Freaking gangster, Didi.

-I have been fantasizing

about doing this for 15 years.

-Is that when you cut

the Conway cord?

-Conway dumped me.

-He dumped you?

-Yeah. It was weird.

All around the same time,

I went through menopause,

Conway dumped me

for a much younger woman,

and I became a grandmother.

Boom, boom, boom.

-Wow. That's a whole lot

of cabbage for one stew.

-Mm-hmm. I don't even know

who the f*ck I am anymore.

Here we go. Grab that hook.

-What are you talking about?

What hook?

-The only hook on the boat.

-This thing?

-Yeah.

Haven't you ever

done this before?

Do I look like someone

who's done this before?

-Yeah. You look like someone

who's done this before.

-Wow. Okay.

There we go again with the

judgment based on appearance.

First, it was, "You're too big

to be afraid of a needle,"

which actually is not a thing,

and now it's like

the polar bear doesn't like

to play with his water honey.

-You're the one that is

calling yourself a polar bear.

-Because that's how you

see me, Didi.

-I do not!

-I'm just kidding. All right?

But if it was Kayden,

he'd have your a*s.

-Oh, I could take him.

Now hook the jug

and bring it on in.

-What are you saying?

Seriously, I don't know

what a jug is.

-It's a buoy.

-Just say buoy.

I know what a buoy is.

-Hook the buoy

and bring it on in!

There you go. All right.

And put it on the call table.

-Copy. What is a call table?

-Right there.

There you go. Huh.

-I don't see any.

-Nothing. Put it back.

-Oh, it's cold.

-Let's go next time.

-Okay, that's out.

-All right, here we go.

-Buoy.

-Stay up there. We're gonna

go find the next one.

-Oh.

-It's like dj vu. Nothing.

-Jug.

-Ah, I've been doing

this for years.

Can you tell?

-Looks like it.

-Aw, sh**t.

-We got one.

We got one!

-Yeah, we did!

-We got one.

-Yes, we did!

Yes!

Whoo!

Wow. Definitely medium,

possibly a large or a small.

But we got one, so that's good.

-Getting kind of cold.

-Yeah, yeah, it's really cold.

-Yeah.

You wanna put your arm

around me?

-Yeah. Sure.

-What?

What am I doing?

-Your face.

-What's wrong with my face?

What am I doing?

What?

-I like your face.

-Thank you.

-Good face.

-Thank you.

You got a good one, too.

Thanks.

Uh-oh.

Nice to meet you.

Good night.

-That was your dentist?

-Yeah, that was my dentist.

Hey, look, I --

I know this isn't a good look,

but I swear to you,

nothing happened.

-Oh, that's good.

That's a good

that nothing happened.

Because what I thought happened

was that you were drowning

yourself out there.

Because that's

where your locations was,

out in the middle of the water,

and I thought you were dead.

-My God, Brittany, I am --

That is so messed up.

I'm sorry.

That was not, like --

that's not cool.

-No, it's not.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Are you drunk?

-No. I swear to God.

I -- I have not had a sip.

-Let me smell your breath.

-Okay.

-Then have you lost your

f*cking mind?!

-I know, I know.

-You --

-I know. I'm sorry.

-You ditched me on --

on Christmas Eve,

with my family.

You lie to me.

You run around town

with some MILF dentist.

You wanna go to a comedy show.

Now you end up here

on a f*cking crab boat

in the middle of the night?

-I know, I know!

And it's crazy, and it's not --

doesn't look good. I --

-No.

-I-I know all that, all right?

But I just...

I did it. Okay?

-Did what?

-I got up on stage tonight,

and I performed.

And I did it,

like, completely sober.

I didn't have anything to drink,

and it went really well.

And I -- that's

why I just feel like --

I know it's scary, but, like,

I really think I'm, like --

can do both at the same time.

Like, I think --

-That's really great.

I'm really glad

that you did a show.

I mean, congratulations.

Now, is this the show that you

told me you weren't gonna do?

-No, ye-- yeah,

yes, it is that show,

but, like,

I wasn't really gonna perform.

I swear to God I wasn't.

But Marvin just brought

me up on stage and --

-I -- I don't f*cking care! No!

-I wasn't planning on doing it!

-I don't f*cking care

about Marvin!

-But I care!

Okay?

This is a big deal to me.

-Do you wanna know what

I care about?

-Yes, yes, I do.

-Do you care about that?

-Yes, I do. Yes.

-What I care about

is chilling the f*ck out

with my family

on Christmas Eve and Christmas

because this is the first time

I've had these days off

since I started at the hospital.

And I want to start a family --

with you.

-I know.

-Because you told me

that that's what you wanted.

-I know. I know I said that.

And now we're here,

at the same old bullshit,

and, honestly, it kind of feels

like you're relapsing.

I mean, you don't seem sober.

You don't look sober.

And none of this is okay,

so what makes you --

-I'm not relapsing.

I'm not relapsing.

This is not a relapse, okay?

It's not.

I didn't have anything

to drink today at all.

I just had an amazing day.

That's it.

And I literally just

didn't want it to end.

Well...

All right, f*ck.

I don't know what's going on

with you.

I don't even think you know

what's going on with you,

But you need to figure it

the f*ck out.

I'm gonna go sleep at my mom's.

-Brittany, I'm...

Hey, Dr. Daw.

It's your favorite

dental patient.

Um...I'm really sorry about

how all that ended back there,

but, uh, I wanted to give

you a proper goodbye.

So if you're up

the next couple hours,

I'm just gonna be hanging out

at Marvin's.

So gimme a call

when you get this.

Bye.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

sh*t.

Hey! Hey, sir.

Sir, she didn't do anything!

-Whoa, whoa!

Stand back!

-Okay.

-I need you to stand back.

-I'm getting a DUI, Cliff.

-I need you to get around

the vehicle.

-Sir, I will

drive her home, okay?

You do not have

to take her to jail.

-Step around the vehicle.

I'm not gonna

ask you again, sir.

-Okay, okay, okay.

-4FB4, 4FB4, come in.

I'm gonna get you out of there,

okay?

It's gonna be okay.

-It didn't feel like

I had that much to drink.

-How much you have?

-Two at Conways.

One at the show...

-Yeah, you were probably

blowing double.

Your liver's

like the size of my thumb.

Thank you for getting her

out so quick, Uncle Frank.

-Hey, anything you need.

Any time.

Hey is your mom in town

for Christmas?

-Nope. She's down in Florida

with George.

They moved down there

for the tax rebates

and haven't been back

since before COVID.

-All right, nude sack.

-Thanks for saying that.

-Tired. Going to bed in the

greatest country in the world.

-How can I forget?

-Merry Christmas.

-Nude sack?

-Yeah, I didn't have any hair

on my ba*ls for a while.

Just kind of stuck.

-Hey, w--

where's my car?

-Oh, yeah.

Uh...

They're gonna keep that

for a while.

-Oh, no.

-But, luckily,

you're self-employed, so...

Don't sweat it.

I can take you home.

That your first time

in the slammer?

They have you all in negligee,

pillow fighting,

or is that just what I imagine?

You didn't get shanked, did you?

Oh, well, um...

Thank you for an amazing day.

Although we did, you know,

wreck your

unblemished criminal record.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You know what's really funny?

I don't feel tired anymore.

-Yeah?

-Do you wanna come in

for coffee or -- or tea?

- Uh...

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

You need to --

you need to go home.

-Actually, um...

I'm not sure

I live there anymore.

-Hang on a second.

Me lady.

I can get outta the car

on my own, you jackass.

Unh!

Seatbelt.

Sorry.

I think I scraped my knee

on the bit.

-It was worth it.

-Yeah.

Wow.

You must have good credit.

-You like?

-I love.

-Dark or medium roast?

-Of what?

-Can't you just answer

a question?

-Apparently not.

Uh...

I don't see a hook.

Where should I hang my jacket?

-Ah.

You remembered.

-Just trying to be better.

-Just throw it anywhere.

-All right.

Can I play your record player?

-Sure.

That was the song I wanted

to dance to at my wedding.

-There's a saying old

-It's a great choice.

-Says that love is blind

-Conway said no.

-What did he want?

I can't.

-No, no, no. Come on.

What did he want?

-"Orioles Magic."

-Wow.

-Haven't found him yet

-He got you.

-He sure did.

-He's the big affair

I cannot forget

Only man

I ever think of with regret

-You wanna dance?

-You wanna dance with me?

-Sure do.

-There's a somebody

I'm longin' to see

- Okay.

-I hope that he

turns out to be

Someone who'll watch

Over me

-Not bad.

-My dad taught me.

-I'm a little lamb

who's lost in the wood

I know I could

Always be good

To one who'll watch

Over me

Although he may not

be the man

Some girls think of

as handsome

-Oh, God.

-To my heart,

he carries the key

Won't you tell him, please

To put on some speed?

Follow my lead

Oh, how I need

Someone to watch

Over me

-Hello?

Hi.

-Hi. Good morning.

I was just on your back porch.

-You were on the back porch.

-Yeah, I like watching

the sunrise.

Pink and blues

kind of do it for me.

Think we can make some

pancakes?

Do you have flour, milk?

-Hold up. Hold up.

- What's going on?

-Cliff, you gotta go.

-Where?

-You don't owe me anything.

-I didn't think I did.

-Yesterday was amazing.

Right?

-Yeah, it was really great.

-But I think we both know that

you have to go home

to your fiance,

and you have to figure that out.

For your own sake.

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

-Besides, I have Shelby

and Maddie

and someone I work with

coming over, so I gotta...

-Yeah.

See you.

- Cliff?

Cliff, where are you?

-Hey, I'm up here.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

-Jesus Christ!

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-f*ck!

f*cking sh*t.

-I'm sorry. I'm not --

I'm okay.

Are you okay?

Sorry. I just came up here

to do some thinking.

That's all.

-What -- what -- what --

what -- what are you thinking

that you had to come up here?

-Um...

I was, um...

I-I was thinking about

this one Christmas,

my dad, uh...

he was getting presents

outta the Cadillac, and, uh...

I guess he got, like,

distracted or something,

and he shut the trunk,

but the Cadillac trunk

has the electronic close,

so it just went down

nice and slow,

and it locked his fingers in.

And he was --

He was screaming

at the top of his lungs,

like, trying to get

my mom and I's attention,

going like, "Cliff!

Cliff, Linda!

Linda!"

-Okay, okay.

- And, uh...

We just couldn't hear him.

And then, um...

He just started to yell our,

like, house phone number,

our landline.

He was going, "337-8199!

337-8199! Call my wife!

For Pete's sake!"

-Why -- Why would he scream

the phone number

and not just call for help?

-I don't know.

He couldn't do it.

-That's insane.

You know that, right?

-Yeah. Well...

He was.

-But you're not.

Okay?

And you don't

have to k*ll yourself

because your father

k*lled himself.

You understand that, right?

-Yeah. Yeah, I do.

-Do you really?

-Yeah, yeah. I know.

-'Cause I don't know if you do.

-I know, I know.

-So do you?

Wanna k*ll yourself?

-No.

-And, um...

How about drinking?

You wanna drink?

-No. I don't.

-Good.

That's good.

-Yeah.

-Look, um...

I'm gonna take you off

my Tracker app.

'Cause I can't worry about where

you are or where you're going

or what's happening.

I -- I can't.

-Yeah, I know.

That -- that makes sense.

-Okay.

-I want you to know,

I really, really tried

to do the, um...

to do the normal-life thing,

and I...

I couldn't -- I...

I-I can't do it.

It doesn't fit.

-Yeah.

Kind of like a double XL

trying to fit into a medium.

-It was never, like,

my intention for...

to hurt you,

so I'm really sorry.

-I know.

-Do you wanna hug?

-Do you wanna hug?

-Morning, everybody.

-Morning.

-Merry Christmas.

Good morning.

I am Cliff.

-Hi, Cliff.

-Hi, Cliff.

-And I'm definitely

still an alcoholic.

And that has been made

very clear to me

in the last 24 hours.

Hi.

-Can I help you?

-Um...is Didi here?

-Who is it, hon?

-Oh, don't worry about it.

Can you take the scrapple

off the stove?

I think it's gonna burn.

You must have the wrong address.

-Sorry.

-It's okay.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

- Where did she live?

What the heck.

-Is that you?

What are you doing?

-Oh.

Um...

I'm really good friends

with the McCallahans,

and it's Christmas,

and we go Christmas caroling,

but nobody's ready.

So just kind of waiting.

-They give you a present?

-Oh, it's for somebody else.

-Is it?

-Mm-hmm.

-Who's it for?

-This doctor.

Well, a dentist that I was

fooling around with last night.

-Shh! My --

my family's right in there.

Come here.

Come on.

I don't wanna keep yelling.

Listen, take your time.

It's not as if I'm hosting

a brunch or anything.

-Hey.

Um...

You want it?

-It's our buddy from last night.

-It's lovely.

And it smells fantastic.

-Yeah, it's been sitting out

on a boat for about eight hours,

so we call that a slow boil.

-I, uh...

I don't have anything for you.

-That's okay.

I'll just take

whatever you got Maddie.

-Where are we going

with this, kid?

-I have no idea.

I just really like you.

-I don't wanna be messed with.

-I'm not gonna.

-You're not gonna.

So...

what are your plans for today?

-Well, option one is,

I drive down to Florida,

which I really don't want to do.

And, uh...that's all I got.

-Well, you could join us.

Just about to open presents.

-Really?

I got a honey-baked ham.

That's gonna be a problem.

I can't stand ham.

-Really?

-Yeah, it's disgusting.

But, yeah, let's go on in.

Do you want me to carry this?

-Are you kidding me?

-It's unclean.

-What kind of person

doesn't like ham?

Lot of people.

Hey!

-Look who's here!

-Merry Christmas.

Hey, Maddie! Hey, Shelby!

How are ya? And, um...

Dental Hygienist, Rebecca?

-What?

How do you know her name?

-Wait, I got one?

I've never gotten one!

Hi. How are you?

Cliff Cashen. Good to meet ya.