28x01 - Twisted Christian

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ [MUMBLING] ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

[TWANGY MUSIC]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, fellas! Fellas!

You wanna know what time
I woke up this morning?

- What time?
- Around six-seven!

ALL: Six-seven!

Oh, hey, Annie. Ladies.

Did you guys do your
homework last night?

I tried to, but I got stuck
on problems six and seven!

ALL: Six-seven!

[BUTTERS LAUGHS]

Hey, Eric!

I know, Butters. I
know. Don't do it to me.

- It's too funny.
- But I just did a six-seven

with Annie and Megan at the same time!

Yeah, five minutes
ago I snuck up on Wendy

and totally six-seven'd
her from behind.

- Wow!
- Hey, Scott.

How's your diabetes, man?

- My diabetes?
- Yeah, what's your A1C at?

ALL: Six-seven!

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

So f*cking funny.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right, everyone, listen up.

I've gotten a lot of reports
of disruptions in the classroom

and some satanic
numerology sh*t going on.

So I want to remind you this
is a Power Christian school,

and I am a Power Christian Principal,

and we will be PC!

So now I want you to hear from someone

who is the highest authority
on Biblical prophecies.

This person is an absolute
expert on the end of days

and the coming of the Antichrist.

Please welcome Mr. Pete Thiel.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Peter Thiel knows
about the Antichrist ♪

♪ Peter Thiel knows
about the Antichrist ♪

♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I
know about the Antichrist ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Let's learn
about the Antichrist today ♪

♪ Today ♪

Hello, kids, I'm Peter Thiel,
and I'm here to talk to you

about the Antichrist!

[ONE PERSON CLAPPING]

Okay, so first, what is the Antichrist?

The Antichrist is a newer,
more human form of Satan

that will soon walk the Earth.

We don't know how soon
it will walk the Earth,

but it could be within the
next six to seven weeks.

KIDS: Six-seven!

Uh, kay.

Uh, you see, Satan was a fallen angel

and God punished him,

and to make sure that Satan
could never have offspring,

the Lord God did shrink Satan's as*h*le

to the size of a tiny, little pinhole

so nothing could ever penetrate
and ej*cul*te inside of it.

So Satan could never
have a butt baby until

along came Mr. Donald Trunp,

whose p*nis is so teeny, teeny tiny

it could actually fit
in Satan's as*h*le.

How small is Donald Trump's p*nis?

Somewhere between six
and seven centimeters.

KIDS: Six-seven!

Hey, look, this is
very important, people.

Okay, the Antichrist is coming.

The Bible refers to the
eagle, which refers to America,

the fourth seal broken,
and hell coming to Earth.

It's right here in Revelations 6...

six-seven.

KIDS: Six-seven!

[LAUGHING]

Good, and breathe in
through your nose. [INHALES]

[EXHALES] And out through your mouth.

In... two, three four.

And exhale... two, three, four.

Good. Let your shoulders soften.

Let your jaw relax.

Now gentle pressure on the
hips as your partner exhales.

Good.

This is so boring!

How about you shut up and do your job?

Ah, come on, Satan!

How about we just go home and f*ck?

We haven't had sex in forever.

That's because it's bad for the baby.

Yeah, but f*ck the baby. This is stupid!

Did you just say "f*ck the baby"?

Hey, relax, guy.

I didn't mean like really f*ck the baby!

No, you know what? You can just go home.

I'll finish this myself.

You can go home and
jack off if you want.

INSTRUCTOR: [EXHALES]

INSTRUCTOR: Perfect.

[BELT CLINKING, ZIPPER OPENS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello, boss!

Ah! sh*t!

Good news, boss,

we just shut down
another ab*rtion clinic.

Oh, yeah, great. That's great.

Yes, boss.

You've made all the Christians so happy.

Of course, there is
still one more clinic

that will still perform ab*rtion

- right here in town.
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

- There is?
- Oh, yes.

How unfortunate that some babies

will not be able to be born.

As Christians, we can't
allow this to continue.

Perhaps you should go speak

with this ab*rtion doctor personally.

Yeah. Yeah!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

PC Principal, do you have a minute?

Sure, Jesus. What do you need?

I'm starting to wonder
if I really fit in here.

Course you fit in.

This school's been a
cesspool of heathen left-wing

little b*tches, and only our
faith is gonna set them right.

Could I ask exactly

what branch of Christianity are you?

The kind that loves his country

and doesn't tolerate any f*cking f*gs.

Yeah, see, I-I really
think I don't belong here.

Look, I understand
it's a tough transition.

You know, the vice principal here

had the same conflict as you,
but she's really come around.

The vice principal? Your wife?

That's right.

Can you send in Strong
Christian Woman, please?

She was saying this wasn't
the place for her anymore,

but just this last weekend,
she converted to Christianity.

[KNOCKS]

You wanted to see me?

Yeah, Strong Christian Woman,
I was just telling Jesus

here about our faith.

Oh, yes, it's been such a blessing.

She converted on Saturday.
What do you think, huh?

You ever seen a more Christian
chick in your f*cking life?

Never.

Look, I know it's a hard adjustment,

but just stick with it,

and you're gonna fit in
here just fine, Jesus.

[SOFT MUTTERING]

[SNICKERS]

[GIGGLES]

Everything go good at
school today, honey?

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

Yep, yep. School was good.

School was pretty good. [SNICKERING]

Is everything okay, honey?

Yeah. Everything's fine. It's fine.

Mom? Uh, could I...
could I ask you something?

Sure, Eric.

Do you know, um...

do you know on average,

um, at what age kids
lose their baby teeth?

Oh, I'm not sure, Eric.

I guess usually around six, seven?

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

Eric, what?

No, nothing. Nothing. I'm sorry.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm sorry.

I was just, uh... I was just, um...

I was just thinking about
your menstrual cycle.

My menstrual cycle?

Yeah, I was just wondering

when you actual menstruate, Mom.

Like, roughly, how many
days does that last?

Well, Eric, it's usually around

six to seven days that a woman...

[LAUGHING]

Oh. Oh. [CHOKING]

[LAUGHING, CHOKING]

[RETCHING]

[RETCHING CONTINUES]

Eric? Sweetie?

[COUGHS, PANTS]

Eric, what is going on?
This keeps happening.

Mom, Mom, you gotta tell me something.

Of course, honey.

- Roughly how many nights...
- [GAGS]

have I been throwing up at dinner?

I-I don't know, Eric.

It's probably been
six or seven nights...

[LAUGHING]

[VOMITING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, Jesus, get your stuff, man.

- We're going out for drinks.
- What?

Look, I know it's been hard for you

trying to adjust here and everything,

so the wife and I were talking

and we found a nice Christian lady

we're gonna set you up with.

Oh, I don't think so. Thanks, but...

Oh, come on, man. She's
a really great woman,

and she just converted to Christianity.

My wife met her at the same
place that she became Christian.

WOMAN: So then I was
like, "You know what?

I need a new direction in my life.

It's like I just got so sick
of everyone being such a p*ssy

all the time, and all this woke garbage

and women trying to be men.

So I just started reading
the Bible, you know?

I mean, I didn't
actually read the Bible,

but I listened to a lot of podcasts.

And once I went through
my transition, I was like,

"This is great,"

only now, guys are always
checking out my Christianity.

Sorry, could you all excuse me?

I need to go to the bathroom.

Sure thing, Jesus.

He seems nice.

[SIGHS]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Miss Davidson?

Miss Coco Slutty Davidson?

Oh, yeah, that's me!

I'm Coco Slutty Davidson.

I'm just here to get an ab*rtion.

[CHUCKLES]

The doctor's right in here... ma'am.

Hey, doc!

All right, listen,

I need you to perform an
ab*rtion, but it's not for me.

It's for my partner.

And you can't tell anyone,

not even my partner.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, you're gonna come with me, see,

and we're gonna sneak into my house,

and you're gonna suck that thing
out while everyone's asleep.

You house wouldn't happen
to be white, would it?

Hey! How do you know that?

Look, Mr. President, I've seen the news.

If you got Satan pregnant,
that's your responsibility.

Well, it's your responsibility now!

Or else I'll sue you, how about that?

Even if I wanted to help you, sir,

I have no idea how
to perform an ab*rtion

on the offspring of Satan.

To do that, you'd need some
kind of expert on the Antichrist.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

SINGERS: ♪ Peter Thiel
knows about the Antichrist ♪

♪ Peter Thiel knows
about the Antichrist ♪

♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I
know about the Antichrist ♪

♪

All right, listen,

you people have a very
serious problem here.

Your students appear to
be in some kind of cult

involving the numbers six and seven.

All right, so what should we do?

I'm going to need access to all
your school's private data...

school records, health
records, and of course,

all security cameras.

Oh, no, look, I don't
think we need it...

Is this really what we've come to?

Freely handing people's
personal data over

to some tech billionaire
preaching sh*t about the Bible?

You got a problem with Jesus, bro?

Come on, man, you became a
Christian like three months ago.

Yeah, I've got f*cking faith, dude!

What do you have, you little b*tch?

You wanna throw down, bro?

Okay, hey, hey, hey...

You wanna see what it
feels like to talk sh*t

about Christians, dude?

[GRUNTING]

I'll kick your heathen a*s, bro!

[MECHANICAL DRONING]

[LOUD WHIRRING]

[THRUMMING]

All right, just try to be still, Eric.

Doctor, could I ask a question?

Of course.

- About how long...
- [STIFLED LAUGHTER]

do you need me to be still?

Just about ten seconds, Eric.

Okay.

So how long now?

Just another six, seven seconds, Eric...

[LAUGHTER]

[VOMITING]

[STEADY BEEPING]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Cartman,
but we can't pinpoint

the source of his illness.

[SNORTING]

If he continues to
vomit this much daily,

I'm afraid it could be life threatening.

But, doctor,

if I'm not able to keep any food down,

roughly how long would it
take... [STIFLED LAUGHTER]

roughly how long would it
take for the human body to die?

Eric, I'm gonna be very honest with you.

Without sufficient nutrients,

the body shuts down
after six to seven weeks.

[LAUGHING]

[VOMIT SPLATTING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Excuse me, that's my computer.

Yes. And your computer
has all the personal data

- of the students here.
- It's okay, Jesus,

Peter Thiel knows what he's doing.

I've downloaded all the
students' information

and loaded them into an
AI face detection program

so the school's security cameras
can watch their every move.

Now look.

Two students passing
each other in the hallway.

They give each other
the sign... six, seven.

Exactly 67 seconds later,

this odd parka-wearing
child makes the same gesture.

And then inside the girls bathroom,

two girls doing the same thing.

Wait, why is there a camera
inside the girls bathroom?

To stop the Antichrist.

Now I'm following the
lead on this girl here.

She went home to 67 Mala Vista Drive.

Going through her
family's medical records,

I found that her father
has testicular cancer

and 67 days ago, had
one testicle removed.

That really feels like
none of our business.

I don't know how I'm supposed to work

with Nosy Nancy peering over
my shoulder all the time.

Jesus, let's you and me
have a quick chin wiggle

out in the hall.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[SINISTER MUSIC]

I'm getting close.

I almost have the key to
stop it from happening.

♪ ♪

We are running out of time, Mr. Thiel.

The Antichrist is coming.

Satan is shopping for
baby strollers as we speak.

If I'm going to learn
what these numbers mean,

I'm going to need access to
every government database.

You will have it, Mr. Thiel.

Nothing is more
important than making sure

this baby is not born.

♪

[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

Look, man, I know it's tough,

but you gotta understand
that drastic times

call for drastic measures.

I just don't feel good about
treating people this way.

I think the most important
thing still has to be loving

and respecting each other.

♪

All right, man, I need
to ask you something

and I need you to tell me the truth.

Are you a f*g?

No. That has nothing to
do with it. It just...

Are you f*cking sure?

I'm just trying to say that
I'm really confused right now.

Okay, but confused like you
don't know if you're attracted

to dudes, or like what?

Like how we can just change
everything about who we are.

I think you still just don't understand

what Christians today are about.

Come on. There's someone
I think you should talk to.

WOMAN: Oh, yes, the Antichrist!

I've listened to a lot
of podcasts about that.

Everyone keeps saying how
the Antichrist is coming,

but I'm like "He already did!

I was married to him in 2018!"

But seriously, if he saw
how Christian I was now,

he'd probably sh*t his pants.

[SNORTS] Don't be jealous.

He's so funny.

[MILITARISTIC MUSIC]

♪

Hey.

Hey, Satan.

- Hello, boss.
- Ah! f*ck! sh*t!

Oh, sorry, boss.

I did not know Satan was sleeping.

Yeah, that's all he ever does anymore.

Poor boss.

If you're going to jack off,
shall I fetch your c*m rag?

Hey! I wasn't jacking off!

Sure thing, boss.

I'll go get your c*m rag.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[BUTTONS DIALING]

What is taking you so long?

I'm very close to finding
the secret of the numbers.

I've narrowed it down to one little boy

who seems more possessed
than the others.

Then deal with him,

and keep it quiet.

Nobody can know that
we are working together.

When I become president,

I will give you full
access to everyone's data.

I've already spoken with the mother,

and I'm on my way now to face the child.

[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]

♪

SINGERS: ♪ Peter Thiel
knows about the Antichrist ♪

♪ Peter Thiel knows
about the Antichrist ♪

♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I
know about the Antichrist ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Let's deal
with the Antichrist today ♪

♪ Today ♪

Is your son home?

Yes, Mr. Thiel.

He's right upstairs.

[MUTTERING, CHUCKLING]

[COUGHING, SNIFFING]

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

Eric, I'm Peter Thiel.

I'm here to help our country.

Uh, okay.

I came to see you...

in an Uber, Eric.

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

Would you like to know how
long it took me to get here?

How long?

It took...

around six or seven
minutes. I'm not really...

[VOMITING]

[LAUGHING]

No way! No way!

[LAUGHING]

You know, they're all just
a bunch of libtards anyways.

I know what's up. I listen to podcasts.

You wanna know who I
think the Antichrist is?

Greta Thunberg.

With her stupid haircut
and her dumb bangs.

Someone should yank out
whatever's up her a*s.

[SNORTS]

I can't.

I just can't!

Everything all right, bud?

No, everything's not all right!

I don't know what I'm doing here!

You're trying to get
with the program, bro!

Peggy Rockbottom is
a hot Christian girl,

now stop acting g*y!

Look, I don't know what
you think Christianity is,

but it has nothing to do with that.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that you and
a lot of other people

seem to have a very warped
sense of what Christianity is.

Are you questioning my faith?

You wanna f*cking go?

No, I don't want to f*cking go.

- You got a problem, bro?
- No, I don't have a problem.

You actually have a problem.

You need a way to bully people

and you're using the Bible to do it.

[GRUNTS]

PC PRINCIPAL: You like that?
Yeah! You want some more?

I'm not gonna fight you!

Damn right you won't, 'cause
you're a g*y little p*ssy!

Yeah, don't come back!

You're gonna get some more, b*tch!

[CARTMAN COUGHING]

PETER: Tell me what it means!

[LAUGHING, COUGHING]

The Lord labored six days

and on the seventh, He rested!

[LAUGHING]

You will tell me the significance!

There's nothing more I can do here.

I have to take him to Washington D.C.

Washington? Oh, no, he can't travel now.

He's very sick.

Your son is the key to saving
our country, Ms. Cartman.

Everything we hold dear could end.

We have to unlock the secrets he holds,

no matter what it takes.

["SISTER CHRISTIAN" BY NIGHT RANGER]

♪ ♪

♪ Sister Christian,
oh, the time has come ♪

♪ And you know that
you're the only one ♪

♪ To say "okay" ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where you going?
What you looking for? ♪

♪ You know those boys
don't wanna play no more ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ ♪

[DRIVING BEAT]

♪ ♪

♪ You're motorin' ♪

♪ What's your price for flight? ♪

♪ In finding Mr. Right ♪

♪ You'll be all right tonight ♪

♪

f*ck yeah, Jesus!

♪ You're motorin' ♪

♪ What's your price for flight? ♪

♪ In finding Mr. Right? ♪

Let's f*cking go, bro!

Yes, baby! Yes!

♪ Tonight ♪

[THEME MUSIC]

♪ ♪