01x02 - Gilli Apter

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[host] Everyone, please
welcome onto the stage,

the wonderful Gilli Apter!

[audience cheering
and applauding]

Hello!

Thank you! Thank you.

And guys, honestly, well
done for coming out tonight.

No really, that next COVID wave
isn't going to start itself.

[audience laughs]

Who says South Africans
can't work together?

Listen, 2020 and 2021

were such bad years, that I'm
not taking any chances with 2022.

No. From now on I'll be
going by the Jewish calendar.

- Happy 5782. Yes.
- [audience laughs]

A lot of you didn't know that
there is a Jewish calendar.

And what I've recently
realized is that

people in general don't
know much about Judaism.

Because, people ask
me strange questions.

Yes, more than once, recently,
someone has asked me,

"So you're Jewish,

does that mean
you're Christian?"

[audience laughs]

And I had to explain,
you know, I had to say,

"No, my darling,
it means I'm rich."

[audience laughs and applauds]

[Gilli sighs theatrically]

You know what, I
like to tell people,

I like to tell people
that I'm Jewish up front.

Right, because I'm White,

but I'm also kind of
like that second emoji.

You know what I mean?

And if I'm being very honest with you,
I believe that I'm the third emoji.

But every time I scroll
that far I think,

[high-pitched] this is
going to get me canceled.

I just knock it
back one for safety.

Because people ask
me often, they go:

"Um, are you Greek?
Are you Lebanese?

Are you Portuguese?"

And by people, I mean men.

And then when the locations start
to get exotic, you know, like,

Colombian? Egyptian?

Then I know they're just sharing
their personal fetish with me.

[audience laughs]

And then I just explain,
you know, I say,

"I'm half Yemenite-Jewish,

half Romanian-horny-stepmom-
does-stepson in kitchen."

[audience laughs and cheers]

One guy did ask me, um,

if I'm Egyptian, right.

But then, I thought about it

and I realized Jewish
people were Egyptian.

At some point in our history.

- Yes, this man had seen deep into my past.
- [audience laughs]

We were there in Egypt,
thousands of years ago.

Jewish people were
sl*ves in Egypt.

And I got to tell
you, I don't buy it.

No, just because…

I don't know who would
want a Jewish sl*ve.

[audience laughs]

And it's because I've got lots
of Jewish girlfriends, right.

And I've observed them

in many different scenarios.

And I just don't think it
will go well, you know.

Like with my friend, Tammy. I just,
you know, she'd be there, like,

- carrying a bag of like pyramid cement.
- [audience laughs]

You know, and she'd be
in the hot Egyptian sun.

And she'd be like, "I don't
want to build another pyramid."

[whip noise] "Ow! Ow! Stop it!

He is being such
a sl*ve driver."

[audience laughs]

And then she'd come home to her
husband. And she'd be like, "Jared.

I'm not going in tomorrow.

So you better start
making a plan."

And Jared would be like,

[deep voice] "Eh,
babe. It's sl*very.

Can't work from home."

[audience laughs]

"Don't get me wrong.
Love the business model.

Unbelievable return
on investment.

"In fact, I think they're missing out
on a beautiful franchising opportunity.

I see what they're doing.
I see a pyramids Giza.

But what about pyramids Paris,
pyramids London, pyramids New York."

[audience laughs]

And Tammy would be like, "Shut up,
that is literally a pyramid scheme."

[audience laughs and applauds]

But Jewish people freed
ourselves from sl*very.

I'm not sure how, exactly.

- I think we just, walked it off.
- [audience laughs]


takes to walk off sl*very.

Yes. That's why wherever
you live in the world,

you still see Jewish women
power walking in the suburbs.

Yes. We're just
upholding tradition.

And Jewish women are the
cornerstone of Judaism.

Because if you want to be Jewish, you
have to have a Jewish mother, right.

Yes, your mother
has to be Jewish.

Your father can be anything.

Yeah, your father can even
be like a German Shepherd.

It really doesn't matter.

And I remember, like, when I was a child,
I was very jealous of Christian children.

I was very jealous.

Because of Christmas.

Christmas seemed like
so much fun, you know.

Children get presents and toys.

Jewish children also get presents, but
it's hard to play with a trust fund.

[audience laughs and responds]

Listen, that is a
stereotype, okay.

The idea that Jewish people
are rich is a stereotype.

And I am not rich, okay.

And it's a big problem for me.

It is, it's a problem
for me, okay, because,

when your culture, or
your race, is associated

with a positive stereotype

and then you don't live
up to that stereotype,

it can be a very
aggravating experience.

Yes. For example, you, sir.

If you told us here tonight
that you, have a small p*nis…

[audience laughs]

no one would believe you.

And then if you'd have to
explain, if you showed it to us,

if you got up here and you showed
it to us, you'd have to be like,

"I don't know, I don't know, my dad
didn't have a big d*ck, you know.

We don't come from a long
line of big penises."

You know, it's very
aggravating. Do you feel me?

Don't worry about him,
he's got a big d*ck.

Look how relaxed he is.
That is a secure man.

I'm sorry, that is... What
I just did, was r*cist.

It was. But this is the problem,
okay. Racism is confusing,

when it includes a compliment.

Yes, a while back, a while
back I was on a date.

Okay, with this guy,
and he said to me,

"You know, I've been reading this
book, about why Jewish people

are so wealthy and successful."

And at first I thought, "That's lovely,
he's learning about my culture."

But then, on the
way home I thought,

"What book?"

[audience laughs]

I was, um, I was
involved recently in a…

in a r*cist incident.

I was involved in a r*cist incident.
Okay. I'm a writer. I write for TV.

And I went in, we had a meeting.

I went in for a meeting
with my two colleagues.

To see the head of the channel
for a TV show we were making.

And this is what he said to
us, the head of the channel,

is a Black man and he
said this, he said,

"This show you guys are
making, is for White people.

Anything you put on the show,
ask yourself the question,

Will a White person
want to watch this?'"

And I thought…

[sighs]

"sh*t, I know there's racism here,
I just don't know where it is."

So I had to do
some racism maths.

Sometimes White people have
to do racism maths, right.

I had to break it down.
I was like, "Okay.

He's a Black man, so
this can't be r*cist."

Then I thought, "If he was a White
man, this would definitely be r*cist."

Then I thought, "If I
don't say something,

am I a r*cist?"

Then I thought, "If
I do say something,

will I be an unemployed r*cist?"

[audience laughs]

I was not in the financial
position to find out.

That's the thing, another
reason, another reason

not being rich, is
a big problem for me

is because quite honestly,
I identify as rich.

[audience laughs and applauds]

- I do, I feel rich inside.
- [audience laughs]

My pronouns are

she, he, they, will bring you
your champagne now, ma'am.

[audience laughs and applauds]

I don't know why I
feel this way, okay.

I was just born like this.
I wasn't raised this way.

I don't know why I'm not
comfortable, or why I'm comfortable

only surrounded by luxury. Okay?

A little while ago, I
was put up in a hotel

with a fellow comedian, okay.

This beautiful
hotel in Cape Town.

And we walked into the rooms, and
he looked at the rooms and he went,

"Wow, we are so lucky."

And I thought, "This doesn't
feel lucky. This feels right."

[audience laughs]

And don't get me wrong, I
am very privileged, okay.

But there is a big difference

between privileged and rich.

Yes. Yes. Privileged
is going overseas.

Rich is leaving your roaming on.

[audience laughs]

Privileged is
staying in a hotel.

Rich is opening a
minibar with confidence.

Big difference between
privileged and rich.

Okay, there's a bigger
price difference

between business class
and economy class

than there is between economy class
and staying on the f*cking ground.

Okay. And I have always believed,
whenever I am in economy class,

I have always believed,
that at any moment

a flight attendant

- is going to come to me.
- [audience laughs]

Yes. And say:

- "We are so sorry for the mistake."
- [audience laughs]

"Everything in your life until
now, has been a terrible mistake.

Please follow me."

And I get up to get my stuff
from the overhead compartments.

And she goes, "Stop.

You won't need that
sh*t where we're going."

[audience laughs and applauds]

And I'm like, "Okay."

Turn to the people next
to me and I'm like,

- "Cheers, losers."
- [audience laughs]

- It's my husband and my kids.
- [audience laughs]

f*ck those guys.

I'm kidding. I would
never say that about

my husband and my kids, [singing-voice]
because they don't exist.

[laughs softly]

I said that in a show one night and a
lady in the audience shouted out at me,

- "You are so lucky!"
- [audience laughs]

And I am lucky. I am
lucky, because I am 39.

And this is a great age

if you do not have children.

[one member of the
audience applauds]

- Okay.
- [audience laughs]

This is not my
opinion, by the way.

Okay. It's not a judgment.
I love kids. This

is just the feedback that I have
been getting from the parents.

Okay, because before
this pandemic,

my friends with kids
would say to me, "Gilli,

Having kids is so hard.

But it's so worth it."

And now they say to me, "Gilli,
having kids is so hard."

[audience laughs]

I'm just saying. I do, I
do feel bad for my parents.

Because my parents are
dying for grandchildren.

Right. They're dying
for grandchildren.

But I don't think it's fair that
they put that pressure on me.

Yeah. Okay, because, I
bumped into a friend of mine,

she's my age and she told me
that her dad just had a baby.

I will explain.

Her parents got divorced, her dad
got remarried, and guess what?

He made his own
f*cking grandchild.

That is the kind of initiative
I like to see in a parent.

[audience laughs]

Now, because I am this
age and I don't have kids,

I can spend all my
money on my face.

And it's stood me
in very good stead,

because my friends with kids,
their faces look f*cked-up.

We've all made our choices.

Okay. Now I don't know if you can tell
all the way to the back of the room, but

I have incredible eyebrows.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Thank you.

Thank you, the reason I have incredible
eyebrows is because I bought them.

I did something absolutely
insane called microblading.

You've heard of this.

Can you hear them?
[whimpers] "Yes…"

Because microblading, what you
have to understand about it,

is the word "blade" is
in there for a reason.

Okay. It is very
painful. I will explain.

You go see a woman, okay. Her
name is usually like, Veronica.

Okay. This is what
Veronica does.

Veronica will carve
lines into your brow.

And fill those lines with ink.

This is a prison
tattoo for housewives.

Okay. Now when I went to see
Veronica, I went in with a plan.

Okay, because even though I
trust Veronica's skill set,

I believe that I am the
expert of this face.

Okay, because you have
to be very discerning.

I said, "Veronica, this is what I
want. I want the brow to start here,

I want it to arch here,
and I want to end here."

And she said,
"Gilli that's fine,

but that's not the natural
shape of your brow."

This b*tch.

Natural?

"What are we doing
here, Veronica?

Does it look like I
came in here to pay you

to give me the same
eyebrows I walked in with?"

And you have to be discerning.
You have to be discerning.

Because I am seeing a lot
of angry birds out there.

[audience laughs]

I went for Botox

a couple of years
ago when I was 36.

And I wasn't happy with the
results, so I never went back.

Okay, because, I went in

when I was 36.

And then a week
later, I looked 35.

It's not enough of a difference.

Botox is expensive.

If I'm going to spend
that much money,

I want to be walking down the street,
I want somebody to stop me and say,

"Little girl, are you lost?"

[audience laughs]

Thank you very much,
my name is Gilli Apter!

- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [theme music playing]