01x04 - The Cat That Shat

[bunniefuu]

[theme music plays]

[The Nutcracker,

"Waltz of the Flowers" plays]

[Justine ]

And that wonderful, beautiful morning,

my sense of smell was back.

[exhales deeply]

Mommy! Code brown!

- Where?

- In the living room.

Three east of the TV,

two south of the couch.

- Oh. Where is Daddy?

- In the kitchen.

Okay. Keep him busy.

Okay.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

[music continues]

Can you put in some herbs,

Daddy?

Yeah, sure.

Hup.

Uh, no, no, no.

Fresh herbs.

Ah. Yes, of course.

The son of a chef.

["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"

plays]

[in French] Two south from the couch.

sh*t, where is the sh*t?

[in French] There, the food is ready.

[Albert, in French] Thank you.

- I made breakfast.

- Great. That's awesome.

- How are you, my love?

- Great, I'm doing great.

There we go.

Ah

- [Martin] Enjoy the food.

- Yes.

A piece of toast for me.

[sniffing]

I can smell Zombie's sh*t.

- Can you? I can't smell anything.

- I can smell your cat's sh*t.

You know, I can't smell anything at all.

You can't either, right?

- No.

- No.

Of course you can't smell it,

you have a cold.

No, my nose isn't blocked at all anymore.

I've been able to smell everything

since I woke up.

- Just like that.

- Just like that. The medicine works.

Okay. Are you going to

go to the restaurant?

Jerry did tell you to focus on your book.

I still need to go

see how things are going.

[Martin] Okay.

Anyway, I'm working from here,

I need to prepare my appointment

for next week's presentation.

With the architects

Jerry introduced you to?

Yes. Well, they knew my work before that.

- What I did in Paris.

- Yes, of course.

- And they love my work.

- That's great.

Seriously, I can smell something.

[sniffing hard]

We can't smell anything. It's just you.

[exhales]

- There's something.

- Can you smell something?

- Nothing.

- It smells a little bit like sh*t.

- No.

- No.

[Albert, in English]

Is Daddy gonna go to work soon?

Yes, he's working at

going to work soon.

Will he go somewhere

to do his work?

'Cause I think it'd be good for him

to leave the house sometimes.

Yeah, everyone goes somewhere

to work, you know?

He told me that if you

were in France,

he would be the greatest

architect in Europe.

He said that?

Yeah.

Huh.

[phone chimes]

[sighs]

- [horn honks]

- [man] Get off the road, you stupid b*tch!

Okay, go ahead, I see you!

- [tires squealing]

- Idiot!

Mom, don't race him.

[groans]

Sorry. Sorry, sweetie,

just such a

Mom, what do you like better,

being a mom or a chef?

I love being your mom.

That's what I love the most.

So you don't like being a chef?

No, I like being a chef,

but I mean, it's my job.

The house is burning.

You can only save one person.

Who do you save

me or Gaston?

[laughs]

Well, Gaston is not a person.

He's a very old cat,

and he should be dead

already, right?

Sorry. No, but, you know.

Between me or Dad?

You!

But what about if it's between

you and me?

You!

- [laughs] Okay, Mom.

- Always.

[in French] Sweetheart,

I'm going to be home late tonight,

since I have so much to do

at the restaurant.

You'll probably be asleep,

but I'll give you a kiss. Promise.

[in English] You always say that, but,

how will I know you really did it?

[in French] You know what?

Your puppet, the little white rabbit?

Finger in the bum?

- Yeah.

- [laughs]

Finger in the bum!

[both laugh]

Well

[in French] I will put it on your pillow.

That way, you'll know

I came to give you a kiss, okay?

- [In English] Okay. I like it.

- Okay, good.

- [in French] -One kiss.

- Love you, Mom.

Mwah!

Switching career in your 40s.

As a woman.

[Siri beeps] Switching careers

in your 40s as a woman.

Number one: Dental assistant.

Number two:

Medical administrative assistant.

Number three: Insurance sales.

♪♪♪

- [bank teller] Next.

- Hi.

Yes, I would like to cash

this check, please.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

[indistinct conversation]

Mrs. Horowitz, I'm Baron Johnson,

the branch manager.

How are you doing today?

I'm doing fantastic.

Thanks so much for asking.

We need a refill on the lollipops.

- [chuckles]

- Well, first off, I'd like to take

this opportunity to thank you

for 24 years of your loyalty.

Oh, my God, 24 years!

I must've been a mere child

when I opened this account.

- [laughs]

- You're out of lollipops.

Gladys, we've gone through this.

One lolly per customer.

- Cheapos.

- Gladys.

If you're going to be disruptive,

I'm going to have to

ask you to leave.

- I'm so sorry about that.

- That's okay.

Mrs. Horowitz, I'm certain there must be

some kind of misunderstanding

but it appears that your check

was cancelled

- a few days after it was issued.

- What?

I'm sorry, that's impossible.

I know, but it was.

Do not believe a word

that comes out of this man's mouth.

Okay, Baron, as a loyal customer

of 24 years,

I can assure you that you're making

a really big mistake right now

and I would like to cash this check,

please.

I understand your frustration,

Mrs. Horowitz,

but unfortunately we we can't

cash a cancelled check.

[quietly]

And there is the issue of the discrepancy

between the ink colors

and the handwriting.

- What? Can I see?

- You see here,

the, uh, recipient and the signature

are written in blue ink,

and the dollar amount

is written in black ink.

Well, I never noticed that before.

Well, you also didn't notice how

the signature has this swoop

Okay, you know what? That's it.

I want to close my account

effective immediately.

- Mrs. Horowitz

- I want to close my account.

Go pull up the paperwork, please,

and I will have you know

that I dodge calls all day.

HSPC, Citibank, Chase

they all want me, and I say,

"No, no, no. I don't want to hear it.

"I don't want your free money.

Save it for someone else.

I'm staying with

Southern California Financial."

That's the kind of person that I am.

I'm a loyal person.

Okay?

As you wish.

- Please follow me over here.

- My pleasure.

As of today your account

is overdrawn $1,278.67,

- not including overdraft fees.

- What?

How will you be taking care

of your balance?

Oh, my God, are you serious?

You're incredible.

If you'd let me cash this check,

I could take care of this balance

right now.

- Mrs. Horowitz

- Stop calling me Mrs. Horowitz!

You show him, girl.

This branch is going to the shitter.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

I know. Well, that's what I get for

[grunts]

marrying guy who's 10 years

younger than me.

But I just want to make sure

that I can break the lease early.

Oh, great.

- Okay, well, then, I'm, uh

- [car approaching]

I'll send you the money tomorrow.

Okay, thank you so much.

Really appreciate it.

Okay, bye.

Did you not clean Sir Gaga's cage?

That thing reeks.

I can't. I have my period.

The smell makes me

very nauseous, Anne.

I thought you had your period

last week.

So did I.

Sebastian should be cleaning

Gaga's cage, Anne.

- It's his pet.

- Mm-hmm. I know.

You know, research shows

that kids who do chores

- don't become drug addicts.

- Okay.

I will show you the article.

I'll show it to you.

All right, I'll talk to him.

- Will you please help me open this?

- I'm very nauseous right now, Anne.

[burps]

I need air.

- [neck cracks]

- [groans]

Okay.

Hola, Jesus.

- Hey.

- Nice new truck.

I love the color.

It's a custom color.

Listen, I was wondering

if you could help George out,

uh, this weekend.

He's getting a little place downtown,

just an office kind of thing,

and he needs to move

some stuff and

Um, I'd pay you, of course.

Nah.

It makes me happy to do things

for you, Miss Anne.

My divorce was so difficult.

Oh, I'm not getting a divorce.

I remember when your divorce was

was pretty tough.

Things are better, though, right?

Well

After the first death,

there is no other.

[Anne] That's beautiful.

Oh, I have the, uh,

strawberries and passionfruit vines

in the back of my truck.

- I can plant them today.

- Oh, great.

Yeah, Sebastian will be so happy.

- Put it on my monthly bill.

- No, it's my present.

- To you, Miss Anne.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- I couldn't accept that.

- I insist.

- No.

- Really, it's not a problem.

May I?

Oh, thanks.

Oh. Okay, that was easy.

[Jesus chuckles]

- Thanks a lot.

- Mm-hmm.

I don't like how he is

with you, Anne.

Come on.

He's just being nice.

He wants to do it with you.

It's obvious.

I appreciate your concern,

Gretchen, but come on.

He can smell

that you're available now.

Men can smell that kind of thing.

They are like dogs.

- I don't think he can smell

- Oh, he can smell it. He can smell

Anyway, I'm not even available.

Don't worry.

I have eyes on him.

Okay, I have to get ready for work,

all right?

You need to get some chicken

on your way

to picking up Seb for dinner.

Ja, ja, ja.

- [knocking]

- [door opens]

- Oh.

- Hi.

Remember me?

I'm your neighbor.

I own Patrick the dog.

Hi, yes.

Patrick, of course.

I am so happy you found him.

I mean,

I assume since I've heard him

We didn't find him.

Oh, right, he found you, so

Look, we know it's you.

You called Animal Control and had Patrick

removed from our property.

Why why would I do

something like that?

I don't know! Why?

What kind of person

would have a dog

taken away from two small children

who love him,

just because he barks a little too much

when gets excited?

Look, I think there's been

a misunderstanding, okay?

I love dogs. The only reason

we don't have one

is my husband is highly allergic,

but I can assure you,

- I grew up with dogs

- Okay, listen.

Your son told my kids.

- Okay?

- He did no such thing.

Yes, he did.

He told them that you

tossed Patrick over the fence

wrapped up in a blanket

like a burrito.

We have large, iron,

sharp spikes on our fence.

I mean, can you imagine

my children waking up

to their beloved dog

impaled on our fence?

Look, my son Orion,

he's a very creative,

sensitive soul.

I think of him as a poet, really.

- With his imagination

- Okay, well, what he told my kids

wasn't very poetic.

Fine, look.

Thank you

for voicing your concerns.

I'll be sure and have

a little talk with him.

Okay, yeah,

you have that talk with him.

But before you do,

you need to decide

whether you want an honest child

who knows the difference

between right and wrong,

or a little liar who covers

for his mother's perverse behavior.

♪♪♪

[cell phone chimes]

What?

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

Marilyn Monroe?

Huh.

- [phone chimes]

- [dishes clattering]

[crash]

[Jerry] "I dreamt I was a goose

on a foie gras farm.

"But instead of shoving grain

down my throat,

"the farmer was pouring concrete.

"As it dried inside

my internal organs,

I was exploding

from the inside."

Okay.

[inhales]

I thought we agreed to tone down

the existential thing.

And what's with

these crazy new recipes?

What is it, baby quail with uni

and pomegranate reduction?

Okay, first of all,

no mention of babies.

Americans don't like

to eat babies.

They want the classics, right?

The want a poule au pot,

Or a bouillabaisse

with sustainable ingredients.

You know? It's like i's, uh

something familiar.

- It's like

- Feminine.

Yes! Feminine. Maternal.

Think Maman, right?

But maybe a little hotter.

Think kids in the kitchen,

doing their homework

on a big wooden table.

Imagine little Albert

comes running in.

There's a quiche waiting for him

in the oven,

and you just had a quickie

with Martin upstairs, right?

Like if I was actually ever home

when Albert came back from school,

and if I ever had time for a quickie.

In this business,

nobody ever has time for sex,

and nobody ever sees their kids.

Yeah, you have sex all the time.

- What?

- Right? Am I wrong?

So you have time for

I don't have kids.

- I don't have kids.

- Oh. Mm-hmm.

I am a sick man, okay?

It cost me the love of my life.

I'm not even allowed

to say the word "sex."

And you know, I don't want

to get personal right now.

The bottom line is,

you know this business, all right?

Female chefs,

mature female chefs,

- they want oldies but goodies.

- Okay, great.

Well, tell that to Food & Wine.

They voted me Best New Chef.

Five years ago!

That's dog years

in this business.

If the publisher wanted

to be innovative,

they would have called some

young hot guy from Iceland,

who's got thousands

of Instagram followers,

which, by the way, there's been

a little concern about your, uh,

your insignificant

social media presence.

- But that's another conversation.

- No, no, no.

I have Facebook.

- Facebook.

- Uh-huh.

Okay. Okay. Justine

we all want what's

best for you, right?

You are in a blind spot

and we're just trying to push you

into the light.

And without Instagram,

there is no light.

You're just in

a cultural blind spot.

Oh, into the light by posting

my poule au pot?

Think about Ratatouille.

What made him a star?

A simple recipe that he learned

from his maman.

No, no, my mother never

taught me anything.

She ran away when I was 10

with a Palestinian poet.

[laughs] Oh, my God, that so French.

I love that.

[laughs]

Wait, do you smell something?

So you want me to be inspired

- by a male Disney rat?

- No.

I want you to just get a first draft out

as soon as possible.

- Okay, fine.

- That's all.

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

Well, while we're on the subject

of rats

Okay.

Did you cancel Ell's check?

- Did you?

- Yes, I did.

Classy. How could you

do that to her?

Well, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry, I seem to remember

a general moral outcry

accusing me of turning our friend

into a prost*tute.

By cancelling the check,

I want to make it patently clear

that what Ell and I shared,

that moment together,

was not transactional, okay?

Uh, you and I,

we're gonna help our friend

as long as it just doesn't

feel like charity.

- That's all.

- Okay.

We'll find a way to help her,

you and I.

[imitates rat chitter]

[imitates rat chitter]

What?

["El Cazador Valiente"

by Cuentos Infantiles plays]

- You're back.

- Yes.

Oh! We missed you.

Fred, can you please make me

your delicious mango coulis

because I'm going to put it

on the poularde.

Oui, chef.

Joy, can you put a little bit

of salted cod

in the pot au feu tonight, okay?

Fish in the pot au feu.

New recipe now?

Well, if not now, when?

Huh?

Let's get this little old lady

out of the blind spot

and into the light!

Let's shake things up a bit!

I remind everybody

that this is Chez Juste.

All right.

You heard the woman.

- [applauds] Whoo!

- I am the woman!

- [applause]

- I am the woman!

[birds chirping]

- [door opens, closes]

- [Orion chattering indistinctly]

- Hi, honey.

- Hiya! Ya!

- [chuckles]

- Ooh. You are so cute.

I'm not cute, Mom.

I'm terrifying ninja

with moves that can k*ll any adult.

Okay, please, spare my life,

scary ninja person.

Listen,

before you have your snack,

um, I wanted to talk to you

for a second.

Okay.

So Orion,

Mommy did something

that was not so great

the other day.

And she wants you to know

she did her absolute best

to try to fix it, you know.

And, uh

basically Mommy was worried

about Patrick,

you know, how he's always

out there howling,

in the sun, wanting food.

And and Mommy was hoping,

if she called Animal Services,

they might be able

to come help him.

But she I

had no idea that they would

actually come

[voice breaking]

and physically remove him like that.

And, uh

when I found out,

I was so upset.

And

I raced over there to find him,

so he could be brought

back together with his family.

What I'm saying is,

that's what you saw

out of your window the other night.

I want you to know that

I really believed

I had that little dog's

best interests at heart.

Then why did you tell their mom

you didn't know where he was?

I think I was worried their mom

would be mad at me.

I was hoping the lie would

buy me some time

so I could oh, God

fix this whole stupid mess.

That's okay, Mom.

Patrick is safe now.

You don't need to cry.

Thank you, honey.

They say at school to always

live in your truth.

That's beautiful, [speaks Farsi].

[sniffs]

Hey, how about I make you

a turmeric almond smoothie?

You can have it while you finish

your Farsi homework.

Yes, please.

Okay.

[Ell] I love this, Kai.

You're so good.

Kai, now, look at me and wink.

Like, you've got a trick

up your sleeve.

- [camera shutter clicking]

- Yeah, now look at me

like you're really serious.

Like you're thinking about something,

like, "Hmm, Mom,

who do you like better,

Oliver or Sarah?"

- Hmm

- No, but silently. Come on.

Mom, is this over soon?

When can I get donuts?

Okay, one more look,

honey, and then,

we're gonna go straight

to Krispy Kreme, I promise.

What about this?

- Quick, let's change.

- Sporty Kai.

Yeah, baby. Let's do it.

Come on. Take off your top.

I just got off the phone

with Net-a-Porter.

Yasmin sold out in three days!

That's fantastic!

And we got an inquiry

from Moda Operandi this morning,

asking if we had anything

on avail for immediate delivery.

- [gasps] It's really happening!

- [laughs]

We're officially expanding into women's!

- You deserve this, Anne!

- Oh!

- I'm so happy.

- Me, too.

So excited.

♪♪♪

- [Orion crying out]

- Hey.

[whimpering]

Hey, wake up, sweetie.

You're just having a nightmare,

okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?

I dreamt that the Ayatollah Khomeini

was about to eat me.

It was horrible, Mommy.

He had big rotten teeth.

Oh, sweetie.

Khomeini is dead.

He can't get you.

You're safe.

Mommy and Daddy are here.

Okay? Okay.

He just had a little nightmare

about being eaten alive

by Khomeini.

What?

Well, he's drifting back

to sleep now. It's fine.

Uh, hey, hey, hey.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah.

- Um

So last month, you and Orion

had a pretty long discussion

about what kind of cookies

to bake for Santa.

Yeah. I mean, aren't you happy

he still believes in Santa?

It's so cute.

Remember we

read that article in The Atlantic.

It's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, um

tonight he had a nightmare

about being eaten alive

- by Khomeini?

- Mm-hmm.

And he still believes in Santa?

He's dreaming about Khomeini.

Those are two extremes.

Well, I don't know.

What would you prefer? That he

not believe in Santa or

that he not be afraid of Khomeini?

I just, um

I just don't think he needs to know

about everything yet.

He's almost 12 years old.

You know, in another year

he'll be getting online

and seeing

what the real world is like.

And if he's not prepared,

it could destroy him.

You know?

I mean, I'm Black and Persian.

I'm a child of survivors

on both sides,

and like it or not, so is our son.

You gotta wake up, Irishman.

The world is very different

for some of us.

Wow. Wow.

Nice [clapping]

Nice one, Yasmin.

- That was really good.

- [sighs]

Really great.

Like, you can't you can't

say sh*t like that,

and just turn around and go to bed.

- What is going on?

- [sighs]

Okay. All right.

There is something else

that's going on

and I haven't known how

to tell you about this, but I

I haven't been able to finish

my dissertation.

I want to go back to work.

I need to go back to work,

Will, and I

I just feel like my head is spinning

all the time.

It's almost, you know, like there's

something wrong with my brain.

Like, I I don't know.

Do I need to go in for an MRI

or something?

I just I know that I've been too fixated

on Orion lately.

And, you know,

I feel like I'm suffocating him.

- He's suffocating me.

- How about this?

How about this?

I'm gonna take Orion

with me to that conference

in Palo Alto.

Right? Then you can get some time

to yourself and write.

Well, but, you can't do that,

because that's a whole week.

I mean, he's in sixth grade.

It's a pivotal year.

It's a 3-day weekend,

so he'll miss

maybe two days of school.

How's that?

He'll be away from me

that whole time.

He he's not even 12.

[classical music plays]

[phone chimes]

PLEASE DON'T BUY THE GENERIC BRAND

IT GETS STUCK IN MY PUBES

AND MAKES LITTLE ba*ls.

[sighs]

♪♪♪

Good evening.

I'm sorry to bother you.

- Are you leaving, by chance?

- Uh, in a minute.

Awesome. Can I have your spot?

- Yeah, sure.

- Great. Thanks.

- Okay.

- Yeah, you already tried that.

Your trunk's not big enough.

You know what else

is not big enough?

Your small d*ck.

The hell's your problem, lady?

- I'm not leaving.

- Really?

Any time soon.

How about that?

- Fine.

- Go.

Enjoy your toilet paper.

[whistles]

["Clouds" by Django Reinhardt plays]

♪♪♪

[sniffs]

[sniffs harder]

[Justine] And now, my mother's recipe

for ouefs à la neige.

No, not true.

Not my mother's,

because my mother

never cooked anything.

The truth is, I learned everything

about food and life

through my dad.

[flushes]

There is a secret for making

the perfect crème anglaise.

Bring your full fat milk

to a boil

and mix in the granulated sugar,

but wait until after

your milk has cooled

before adding the vanilla bean.

Doing it in that order ensures

that the bean

leaves none

of its bitterness behind.

In cooking, like in life,

bitterness kills all sweetness.

♪♪♪

[typing]