01x06 - Christmas in July

[bunniefuu]

Alright, Mr. Stevens, sorry to disturb
you but you know what we're here for.

H.O.A wants you to take your decorations
down. [Alex] It's July! [Mr Stevens]

I can't celebrate the birth of my
lord, just because it's summer?

Mr Stevens you know the rules, okay?
Decorations are allowed the first day

after thanksgiving all the way up to the
first week of the new year, that's it.

[Alex] Plus i think i can see your
jingle bells and those shorts.

[Mr Stevens] Hey it's summer I'm gonna rock shorts
[Alex] Put the candy cane away!

[Mr Stevens] Listen Randall I'm just
trying to celebrate the holidays.

Listen if you don't do this
H.O.A is gonna fine you.

H.O.A they can try to make me pay but I'm
never gonna pay. Raise the dues, I don't care.

These decorations stay up. [Randall]
Really? [Alex] That's cool eric,

that's cool, it's cool, Randall.
You are Mr. Eric Stevens, right?

mhm

I thought so, you see I googled your name

and it says here that you own a domain with quite
a bit of Obama and Hillary erotica fan fiction.

Yeah that's a different Eric Stevens.

Na, I think that's you bro.

I'm just curious if your neighbors are
aware that you're this...famous author.

I'll take down the decorations
okay? Is tomorrow okay?

How about right now?
Right now.

Not a problem thank you and next time

you post some Obama Hillary fan fiction
you draw him the d*ck he deserves!

[Levantre]...Chakras going in?... now
listen feel those chakras from your head down

to your breast to your -to your sternum,

down to your WAP. Yes, yes...
[Alex] excuse me
[Levantre] forward up are you
[Alex] Are you Laverntre?

It's levontre man and uh sorry
uh this class is closed for men.

Yeah that's actually what we're
here about this ...is inappropriate.

Ladies take a break and work on your moaning
breathing exercises. moaning-breathing.

-Moaning Breathing-

What do you mean inappropriate?

I appreciate what you're doing here I really do,

but you can't be doing this
[__] at public park, man.

Come on ladies pack it in, inside voices roll
the mats up don't instruct my [__] like that.

[Randall] Listen your flyer
says sexy yoga in the park.

-Moaning Breathing Exercises
Continue in Background-

...come learn the downward facing doggy style?
yes

...what in the pern hub is this? all
right This is a family neighborhood!

Man I do this for the families, I tell them
you need to please your man. You want to

be the first wife? or the last wife?
This going to keep families together.

-Breathing Moaning Exercises continue-

No, you cannot conduct this class, I'm sorry.

Of course i can I'm certified, baby.
[Randall] Certified in sexy yoga.

[Levantre] I am a certified yoga instructor and

sex therapist, okay? Cordon bleu, baby!
[Randall] That is a culinary school, sir.

They got other classes!
[Alex] It don't matter because this park is for

the use of neighborhood residents only so you and
your little breakfast sausage toes can skedaddle.

[Levantre] oh oh so because

I'm Black I can't live here?
[Randall] All right don't don't

pull that card, okay? I'm Black too and
I've never seen you in this neighborhood.

I just moved in.
-Breathing moaning

exercises continue in background-
We don't have any new residents,where do you live?

uh see uh I just moved in,

uh with my sister's...cousin's...friend...
- Moaning breathing exercise in background-

But wouldn't your sister's
cousin also be your cousin?

[Levantre] Man, man...you don't
know about Black families, man.

[Randall] yeah that part checks out.
[Alex] How? how does that check out?

Trust me...cultural...
...-Look I just moved in to uh well one ...one...-two

four five uh...black... um...bird street.
[Randall] Sir did you just look down at your

skin and a bird in a tree and make up a name
of the street? There's no black bird street.

There's a black ridge street
Yeah, see that that's the one right there.

-Moaning Breathing Exercises in background-
12 45 black ridge street?

Yep.
Is Ms. Barbara Waltzman's residence so...

Yeah, Barb that's my friend.
Barb?

That's my sister's ...
[Randall] Barb?

...cousin's friend, that's my girl right there.
Yeah

Yeah.
That's my girl.

mm-hmm well we're gonna have
to shut this [__] down.

Yeah we got [__] ...-
-Moaning breathing exercises continue-

[Randall] Ladies roll up your mats...
[Levantre] No...

[Randall] It's over...
[Levantre] No...-

please stop. please stop it...
[Alex] look no matter

[Barb] Am I too for the class Lavantre?
Oh no girl, you're right on time...

if we are allowed to continue?
[Randall] Ms. Barbara,

uh can can I ask you...? a quick second...? so
sorry to interrupt. You know this gentleman?

[Levantre] Does she?
Of course! this is Lovantre,

he's renting our guest house. I feel so bad taking
his money with all he's done for our marriage.

Oh yeah, oh girl.
Well, I'm going to stretch out hm...yeah yeah see

now I was going to hook you up with my sister's
cousin, but y'all tripping so [__] y'all.

Alright ladies let's be the last wives!
All right, yes, that's pelvic forward hmm

back thrust that mmm...
[Alex] how is it not also his cousin?

[Randall] it's a long story...it's
a cultural thing...-it's a culture

[Levantre] double time, double time, double time.

So I think Randall is starting to finally
trust me more. He actually let me handle

this call all on my own...-
[Zoey] Oh my god, hey Alex!

Uh hi zoey
How are

you? How's the t*rror1st situation? Is everything
okay it's totally fine you know we took care of it

my partner and I, we keep
the neighborhood pretty safe.

Well I'm glad to have you here until you go
back to college, your job seems so scary.

I'm not gonna lie to you Zoey, it can
get pretty dangerous, but we got it.

Like t*rror1st, I mean code brown...
My partner and I we can handle a lot of uh [__]

[Hans] funny you're the biggest piece
of [__] in this neighborhood, Alex!

[Alex] no [__] way
[Hans] Don't believe him girl, he was not stopping

the terrorism he was scooping the doggy poops
from the neighborhood, that is the code brown.

[Alex] Don't listen to him okay? He's crazy!
[Hans] Crazy? I'm not the one who had to go

to therapy until i was 14 because
i was afraid of chuckie cheese.

[Alex] how do you know that?
[Hans] told you I am [__] your mother,

I know everything about you Alex!
[Alex] Are those her shorts?

Yeah i should give them to me after I [__] ibiza
[Alex] what the [__] is happening?

[Hans] so what's up girl
you like ecstasy and techno?

[Zoey] Not really...
[Hans] ah whatever I have plans with Alex's mother

tonight, anyway the [__] complains I never
take her out. Don't have the heart to tell her

she's just a booty call. Suck me, Alex MAHAHAHA.
[Zoey] uh it was it was good to see you yeah good

luck with everything I hope I see you around.
Yeah, it's nice to see you too zoe!

[Randall] So uh... how'd the call go?

Did you not just see what happened?
I saw everything looked embarrassing.

So did the call run smoothly though?
Yes, Randall the call went fine! Could you

not act like a robot for like two seconds
? Ihate that euro-trash [__] so much.

[Randall] May I ask some why are you afraid of
chuck e cheese? He's a six foot tall robot rat,

Randall! Why aren't you terrified?
[Randall] Yeah i love chuckie...-

[Alex] he's got a whole
band that's nearly an army!

Alex being embarrassed in front of
his crush really demoralized him

and him being afraid of chuck e cheese
made me wonder...how can I talk to HR about

scheduling the psychiatric evaluation?
Okay you put a rat in your living room

you see how you feel then imagine
it's a six foot tall [__] robot.

I know you're mad but your neighbor
said you violated her privacy.

Man I don't even know what she's talking about.
[Susan] he took a video of me bent over while

I was watering my petunias and
now I'm online as a tic tac...

[Dank Bank] uh first of all a
tic tac is a delicious minty

candy you're talking about TikTok woman!
[Susan] yeah and now i've gone virus the

whole world saw me bent over to
a song called wet booty anthem...

[Dank Bank] Man, first of all that's a great
song second of all don't listen to her bro

you need to stop worrying about what's online and
worrying about what's going on in your own house!

[Susan] What do you mean by that?
What I mean is it shouldn't take an hour

for your husband to drop off the babysitter
okay she only lives two blocks away...

[Alex] oh god damn
[Susan] are you insinuating that my

husband is having an affair with our babysitter?
[Dank Bank] I'm not inseminating nothing

and nobody, all right ...all I'm saying is
I'm not iced tea this isn't law and order,

but it shouldn't take a criminal mind
investigator to figure out that they [__].

[Susan] How dare you!
[Dank Bank] How dare you...

Why you gotta be such a karen?
[Susan] For the last time my name

is Susan not Karen.
I'm not saying

you're Karen I'm saying you are a Karen.

That doesn't make any sense.
[Alex] no you see karen is a

middle-aged woman who would like ask to speak
to the manager a lot you know a a a [__]

[Susan] speaking of which, Randall,
if you don't handle this I am gonna

need to talk to your supervisor.
[Randall] oh that's not necessary come

on can we just handle this like some adults here.
[Dank Bank] yeah can you relax please? All right,

this isn't the cheesecake factory. You can't
send back security guards for being medium well.

[Randall] Okay you know what I feel
the energy. Here let me talk to you

away from can i steal him for a second?
Just do what you need to do Randall.

Relax just be right back.
[Alex] call your husband

Okay buddy so look at here...um...
[Dank Bank] hey she's a Karen bro.

I wouldn't refer to any member of the
community that way, but I looked it up on

the urban dictionary... and she's a karen.
You remember that time we helped you out

in the past? The rules? inadequacies?
[Dank Bank] Ah yes, don't talk about that.

All right so can you just like help us out
this time and you know delete the video?

Okay fine
[Alex whispering] but send it first.

I will, but if she keeps being crazy I'm gonna
use the footage I got to start her in 0nli f@ns.

Just just do it we got it all right?
[Susan] Randall I trust that you're gonna

handle this. I have to go my kids have been alone
too long and my husband just texted me apparently

the babysitter locked herself out of the apartment
so he's gonna be a few hours he's gonna wait for

the locksmith to arrive so...
[Randall] A few hours?

[Dank Bank] I told you!
[Randall] for just...

[Dank Bank] insane
[Randall] it's not my place to speculate

on marital issues of members in the community
[Alex] yo i think he's [__] the babysitter

[Dank Bank] I told you they