01x03 - Hans in the House

[bunniefuu]

[Alex] Yeah we need some healthier snacks
for the break room by the way

Okay you know the union is not
required to give you healthy

snacks let it know any snacks but if
you want a list what would that be?

I don't know something besides candy
and chips, maybe some fruit, nuts?

Oh nuts now we're talking. You
know I really like pistachios

I love pistachios!
[Randall] yeah

see pistachios would ,be great I get the ones already deshelled.

Whoa whoa whoa wait wait don't
no no see that that's cheating okay the whole point of eating pistachios
is the glorious moment you get when you get

the pearl in the middle see that's
the problem with you gen z kids.

Look, I like busting nuts
as much as the next person.

Look, I like busting nuts
as much as the next person.
[Randall] Oh my gosh...-

...-but you have such a big stance on me buying shellless pistachios that you want to make it an entire

generational issue? By the way you get more
per bag when you buy them without the shells

[Randall] No
[Alex] strategy

[Randall] no no that's not true I googled it
all right you do your research you would know

that the price per pound if you deduct the
weight of the shells, it's the same weight.

Who the [__] researches pistachios?

All right we got to do a lot of patrolling of the

neighborhood we got to make sure
everything is completely straight.

Seems like a lot of walking

Man it's the job

We need a patrol car down here right now on uh
Dexter Street we got a 29 29 somebody breaking in.

[Over Radio] Copy that

[Alex] Uh excuse me

Yeah
[Randall] Hello hello hello

Yeah
[Hans] What?

Would you mind telling us why you're trying to
break into the Gilmore's house through the window?

Yeah oh i i apologize i heard your
mother was giving blow jobs in there

[Randall]What?

[Alex] [__] watch you okay my mom is a saint.

[Hans]Oh yeah yeah she is saint the saint blow jobs.

[Alex] I swear to god okay do not push me.

Let's go [__] Handle this Randall.

I got this I'm a veteran... sir, yeah you're a
funny guy y'all okay but we called the cops

you know it's not funny? going to jail.

Well as long as there are conjugal visits so
i can still satisfy Alex's mother I'll be okay.

What?

How do you know my name?

I told you I'm [__] your mother
she talks to me about you all the

time she's very disappointed in you
Alex thankfully i never disappoint her.

I swear to god i will slap
you okay, you understand me?

Oh what a coincidence your
mother likes for me to slap her.

Wait wait let me handle it, look okay let
me handle i just need to clarify something

right quick alright let me just focus are you
having a romantic relationship with his other?

dude [__] come on man he doesn't
know my mom he's [__] with us man

I wish you wouldn't curse so
much on the job be a professional

Yeah, be professional

Alright, it's protocol to ask these types of

questions if there is a relationship
between a suspect or family member.

[Alex]He doesn't know her

[Hans]Oh don't believe him next week we have a holiday plan we are going to Napa Valley. Yeah you should

see the [__] after a couple of white Zinfandels
she gets very loose everything comes off.

[Randall] Okay okay okay is that a joke
or should i document this?

[Alex] Come on, man it's a joke

Look i need to know why you're
trying to break into Gilmore's house!

Answer him

I am living with the Gilmores you idiots.

Is that truthful?

Yeah that was a fact, you see Alex's mother threw

me out to the house after trying to
negotiate a three-way with his sister.

They are angels! They are angels!

You want to go i know krav maga [__]

[Over radio] Hey guys cops are on their way

also the Gilmores said that they have their
european cousin coming in today they left a set

of keys for us to give to him, but they haven't
been able to get a hold of him for some reason

can you guys maybe take them over there after
this? See if you can find him. His name's Hans.

[Alex on radio] You can tell the police it's a false alarm

Well I guess your boys wouldn't
mind giving me a ride then it's

okay we call it in for the one
I gave your mother last night.

I swear to god I'll k*ll you

I was about to k*ll that euro trash [__]

Since i don't have definitive proof
I'm not gonna file any paperwork

however I'm not at all totally convinced that Hans
isn't having sexual intercourse with Alex's mom

What are you doing?

I just want a couple more pistachios.

You already had half okay

Is there a pistachio protocol,
would you give me more?

No protocol everyone knows
it's common courtesy okay?

There's about a hundred pistachios
in the bag and you already have 50.

Who are you pistachio rain man
just give me a couple more Randall.

Wait wait wait wait you're right I'm wrong

you didn't have 50 you had 49. this
put you at exactly half a bag enjoy.

Okay, I'm taking you to Vegas.

Attention units we have a report of
a jogger passed out on Beeker St.

I'll hold these

No you get off my nuts!

It's worse than i thought okay listen
I'm gonna need you to perform CPR alex.

What?

I trained you for this okay
just remember pump her chest

to the beat three times stand alive by Bee Gees

Got it, yeah, what song is that again?

Oh your favorite tick tock by the
girls she was dancing with the duck.

Oh that shits hilarious yeah

Here we go

Okay she is breathing though She's breathing so

Oh okay all right uh we got we need
a paramedic down to the south side of

the park we got a jogger that's
incapacitated ambulance okay.

Gentlemen allow me to help I'm a doctor

What Mr Clayton you're a doctor?

Yes Dr Keen chiropractic

Oh i don't think she hurt her
back back up please back up back

If she's got a kink in her neck
we'll call you okay back off

I went to med school I'm a doctor damn it

Sir would you stop quoting Star Trek lines
this is not the time serious matter backup

You need to make sure her clothes
aren't constricting her ability to

breathe and you got to make sure her
feet are 12 inches above her heart.

You get your back back up okay
all right we cannot afford the

liability of an unqualified person
trying to perform CPR on someone.

We would let a dentist touch her before you

Those guys are real jerks. I was highest
in my class at UCLA. I am a doctor.

Oh oh my god ma'am are you okay

I was about to break your sternum

Yes i i think i just fainted I'm on day four
this juice cleanse i just really don't work out

Yeah lemonade diet?

Yeah you need any water or anything let us
know okay we've got an ambulance on the way.

Thank you

Are you okay barbara?

Don't touch her!

Oh Clayton hi what are you doing here?

Well I was trying to help but
these guys wouldn't let me.

Well I'm sure for legal reasons they
couldn't i mean they are CPR certified

and you're just a chiropractor I
mean i don't think i hurt my back

Yes that's literally what he said.
Exactly what I said.

God we have so much in common.

You know what screw you guys i don't deserve
this i went to medical school alright

Oh Devry has a medical school

Oh [__] i think i did hurt my neck

Oh by your back right?

Yeah

Oh we do need you hey get
back here please one second.

When Lebron James hurt his back he didn't
go see a dentist no he went to go see a

chiropractor he went to me! No no he didn't
go to me but he he went to a chiropractor

As far as doctors go i would definitely
rank chiropractors at the bottom of the list

next to dentists or someone
with a phd in philosophy

Hello if it isn't my stepson, be a good boy
and bring Papa a Hefeweizen out of a cooler.

I'm about to lose this job

Relax relax do not let him get to you okay

it's your duty to protect members
of the community including him

Hey Alex, what's up? Do you like the techno?

No I don't like say techno matter of fact
you have to turn that [__] down right now

Oh funny last night your mother told me to turn it
up so the neighbors wouldn't hear her screams and

pleasures. We made love to Emily's ascension
mix number 72. that's a three-hour mix baby

She said she was in book club

Yeah i booked it with my d*ck

Handle this Randall you better handle it

I got it, how's It going Mr Hans.

Oh hey Randall, how are you? i like you

How are you doing? Thank you um
excuse my partner for his abrasiveness

Yeah, tell your boy to calm down.

Yes yes um he is correct though
okay we do have a decimal level

restrictions for music in the
neighborhoods loud turn it down

Oh I'm sorry Randall I will turn it
down for you yes sorry about that

Thank you you're you're new to the neighborhood
you you don't know oh yeah thank you so much

Yeah is that easy for you can just be one yeah

By the way be careful drinking too many fluids
yeah I think you know why. Yeah you may drink too

much and have nowhere to urinate and then maybe
later in a panic you urinate in that same cup

and then maybe later you're driving
and you throw the cup out the window

having it unsuspectingly land on a whole family
coming to visit the eldest son at university

to console him after his father's
passing this sound familiar?

Okay dude how the [__] do you know all this?

I told you I [__] your mother,
I know everything about you!

It's getting scary bro it's getting weird.

Suck me alex!

Who the [__] jogs with a cigarette?

Okay relax relax relax relax it's
cool can I ask you something though?

What?

You know I mean it's neither here there but is it
true about you and the urine and the cup and then

you know what's going on right now i mean

It's just it's frightening oh

No it's not true

Don't believe him Randall! The
doctor still goes to therapy

God i don't even see him

Okay so where is this the intimate
nature of information that hans possesses

has me once again wondering is he having
sexual intercourse with alex's mom