01x01 - Chapter 1

[bunniefuu]

Happy birthday, baby.

I believe I just got you and your year
off to a pretty great start.

And I thought I said no gifts.

Mm.

Hey, I prepped your birthday breakfast,
but my showing got moved up by an hour,

so you'll have to finish without me
for the second time today.

That's okay. I'm not very hungry.

I'm having a hard time with this birthday.

Oh! Come on. I mean, 50? 50 is so young.

People only use "50" and "so young"
in the same sentence at a funeral.

Sorry. I have no time to indulge

a hot, virile, super successful dude
in a bonkers pity party.

- You really are so handsome.
- And you're a really cute liar.

Ah. Ah! I gotta bounce.
Okay, the reservation is at 7:30.

My last showing is at 6:00,
so I'll meet you at the restaurant.

- Okay.
- I'll text you the address.

Oh, I'm glad
it's just the two of us tonight.

A nice, cozy little celebration

of the milestone
that dare not speak its name.

Mm.

I love you, old-timer.

Yes, Eric will be there
at 7:30 on the dot.

Everyone knows they have to be there
by 7:15 or wait until 8:00.

Oh, and a reminder
about the lighting. Dim, dim, dim.

This is a 50th birthday.

Thanks.

Oh, hey. Quick, before we meet
the clients, with or without the scarf?

So without.

Even with this neck?
It's not too gobble gobble?

- Are you crazy?
- Oh!

And in other bad news,
Tyler Hawkins got the Beresford listing.

Are you kidding? They went with
that smug, entitled millennial over us?

That is just the cherry on
the sh*t parfait that is my life lately.

- I went out with that guy I met on Hinge.
- Yeah.

Suffice it to say,
they should rename that app "Unhinged."

The psycho b*stard told me
I would be so hot if I lost ten pounds,

but I could sit on his face anyway.

- So chivalry's not dead.
- Funny.

How's the, uh, party prep?
Colin remotely suspicious?

Nope. He thinks
we're going to dinner, just the two of us.

He is going to be blown away.

We've recreated the whole Limelight
from when we first met.

I walked into this club.

I saw Colin, and I thought...

"He's the one."

No, I thought, "How can I find a way
to rub up on his a*s

and look like I'm just dancing?"

I can't believe it's been 17 years.

Ah, and you're still not married? Smart.

It's my secret.
He's my BFF. My boyfriend forever.

B-A-R-F.

- Wow.
- Seriously.

A handsome, stand-up guy,
who's also a hedge fund manager.

Who do I have to blow
to get me one of those?

Him, actually.

Oh, here they come.

Hey, you two! We are so excited about 12G.

- Excuse me.
- Uh...

Hey, Carmen, what's up?

Why don't you guys go up?
I'll be there in a sec.

Wait, Car, are you sure?
What did they take?

They're in there creaming
over the rainforest shower.

We got robbed.

- What?
- Yeah.

The housekeeper said
they took clothes and wine.

And what else?

A Sonos speaker and Hermès towels
that are too nice to actually use.

Sounds like somebody's havin'
a g*y yard sale.

So! Are we ready to change zip codes?

I'm out front. He'll be here any sec.
Is everyone in position?

- Yes, it's Limelight in here.
- Great. That's very exciting.

- Oh my God, I can't wait!
- Oh!

Please, no squealing, Eric.
You're the reason blue states turn red.

Real... Oh. Here he is. Gotta go. Bye.

Hey, birthday boy.

Gosh, the tension in your shoulders
is off the charts. What's goin' on?

Where's this restaurant?
I don't see any signs.

It's right up here, and there are
no signs. It's very exclusive.

There might even be a password. Who knows?

I left three messages for you. Never heard
back. Did you check out the apartment?

We weren't robbed.

Carmen said all that stuff went missing.

- Suzanne thinks it may be an inside job...
- Michael. Michael, we weren't robbed.

I took my clothes and some things,
and I moved out.

Surprise!

- Hey!
- Ah! It's your birthday! I'm so excited!

Here, baby. Congrats. It is fabulous.

Mikey, this is Wyatt.

- Hi.
- Happy birthday.

No, no. That's Colin, sweetie.
Remember I told you.

This is Michael, my best friend.
We went to high school together.

- Hi.
- It's his partner's...

Oh, right. I'm so sorry.
It was a pretty quick tutorial.

How adorable is he?
He couldn't name three Cher songs.

I mean, isn't she, like, 80?

- Yeah, but she's got your abs, so respect.
- Hey, Billy, I'm gonna go find...

Hello, Michael. Billy.
And I assume Billy's new child bride.

Wyatt, this is Stanley.
He's a very successful art dealer

and much less successful h*m*.

- Um, we don't really use that word.
- I really need to find...

- Go, go, go. Do your host thing.
- Okay.

And relax, sweetie.

You look more shocked than Colin.

- Yay, you pulled it off.
- Hey!

- I assume he never saw it coming.
- He never suspected a thing.

- Hey, Kai.
- Hey.

I'm guessing not a ton
of straight women here under 30?

Kai, you're with your mother tonight.

Can we please give the p*ssy patrol
the evening off?

Such a great party!

We danced, we did poppers,
we're young again.

- Look at you.
- Hi, Suzanne!

- Who's your hot date?
- Uh, my son, you perv.

- Kai, meet Jonathan and Jonathan.
- The Jonathans!

- That's funny.
- You guys ready for the big snip?

Oh, that's right.
Um, they have a baby boy.

The bris is in a couple of days,
and Michael and Colin are the godfathers.

Aww! Congratulations!

Sorry. I just need to talk to...

Oh, honey! We're having the best time.

- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Aww! Oh!

You know, I have to admit,
when you first moved in with Colin,

it was kind of a curveball for me.

But over the years, seeing how much
you two love each other, well...

Thanks, Dad.

FYI, a curveball is a baseball pitch that
doesn't come at you the way you expect.

Good evening!

In honor of Colin's big night,

Michael asked if Marc and I could
come up with some kind of musical tribute.

Apparently, Michael thinks
because we won a couple of Tonys,

we can whip up a new tune in no time.

And he was right!

♪ Hey, Colin, hey, Colin, look around ♪

♪ All your friends are older
Six feet in the ground ♪

♪ Hey, Michael, how horny you must be ♪

♪ 'Cause now his nightly moves
Are just to get up and pee ♪

♪ As a couple, you're both so engaging ♪

♪ You'll be loving
Till death do you part ♪

♪ But at the rate, Michael
That Colin's aging ♪

♪ Tomorrow, you may get
A brand new start ♪

♪ Hey, Colin, welcome to your fifties ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

Everybody!

♪ Oh, Colin, welcome to your fifties ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Go, Colin, go, go, go! ♪

Oh my God, where did you buy those abs?

- Would you like a drink? Cheers.
- Hey.

- Oh...
- I really need to talk to...

- Now the toast!
- I...

Don't be nervous. You're gonna be great!

- What could be...
- I...

♪ ...love you ♪

♪ I will always... ♪

Everyone. Hi. Yes, your attention, please.

Ah...

I... I...

Hah.

Uh...

Thank you so much for coming

and for keeping
our little surprise a secret.

I know how hard it is

to pretend like everything's normal
when you're...

quietly plotting away.

But we did it for our beloved Colin.

My partner.

My best friend.

My everything for the past 17 years.

I remember saying to him
after our first date,

"What if we just found each other?"

Because the knowing was that

fast, that strong.

And I just...

I can't...

imagine my life without you.

It just doesn't make sense.

So...

...to you, Colin.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Have a good 'un.

Thanks for coming.

Night-night. Come on, we need to take off.

So can we finally talk?

I intended to talk to you at the dinner
I thought we were having.

I wasn't counting
on a massive surprise party.

Uh, yeah. You're welcome.

And by the way,
"Surprise, happy birthday,"

is a lot more fun than,
"Surprise, I moved out."

- You know, it's late. I gotta go.
- Just...

Wait. What do you mean, "go"?

Pl... Colin, you can't just blindside me
like this and then not talk about it.

Is there someone else?

No. I just need some time on my own
to figure things out.

After 17 years,
you don't "figure things out" alone

in another apartment

with the Hermès towels and the wine!

I only took things that I paid for myself.

Yes, towels we're not allowed to use
and wine that we can't drink.

What is the point?
I never understood.

Stop making this about you.
It's not all about you.

No, it is about us!

You're making
an "us" decision all by yourself.

Where is this apartment anyway?

- And who did you use to find it?
- Doesn't matter.

The hell it doesn't!

There is a realtor in this city,
a person I probably know,

who knew that you were leaving me
before I did?

Can you get
how humiliating that is for me?

You see?

Now it's all back to you again.

Oh...

f*ck that!

You cannot...

Are you seri...

Are you...

Come on, dots.

It's going to be quite mild today
with partly cloudy skies and a high of 67.

Out on Long Island,
it's going to be a bit more brisk,

with winds gusting up to 15 miles an hour.

But looking ahead to the weekend...

...it's going to be absolutely gorgeous.

Soaring more than 1,000 feet
over Bryant Park,

Verge New York will redefine
the luxury condo experience.

Mm.

At 4,000 a square foot,

you'd think they'd serve
somethin' better than pigs in a blanket.

I had eight.

- Amazing party. Did you even sleep?
- Not really.

Well, you totally pulled it off.
I could tell Colin was really surprised.

Not as surprised as I was.

Right before the party,
he told me he was leaving me.

- Get out!
- Yeah.

He kind of did that too.

So...
You think there's someone else?

Uh... He says no, but I don't know.
I don't know anything.

Except that while I was planning
his party, he was plotting his escape.

Colin seemed like he was havin'
such a good time. He even kissed me.

I'm sure. Just like
Michael Corleone kissed Fredo.

Why are you so calm? I'd be in bed,
calling lawyers or interviewing hitmen.

No, because he's made
an appointment for us with a therapist,

which is a big deal.

Colin doesn't like to talk.
He likes to sweep sh*t under the rug.

He's so out of touch with his feelings.

I just don't believe that he's going
to throw away 17 years together

just because he's having a dark moment
about his freaking birthday.

- Can I tell you what I'm thinking?
- Yes, please.

This might be the building
to get the Warnocks

to finally sell their place on Fifth
and move downtown.

♪ Check it to me, baby ♪

♪ In the edge of time ♪

♪ My heart want, got so sad... ♪

- Seriously?
- ♪ And somethin' spent... ♪

Moved out, out?

So, I just heard
from the director of the Hirshhorn

that they want two pieces from this show.

But how can I be happy about anything
after hearing about you and Colin?

I don't know.
But somehow, you're pullin' it off.

There's no story here, boys. We're taking
some time off to figure things out.

Relationships hit potholes. We'll be fine.

Good. Because trust me, you do not
wanna be g*y and single in this town.

- At our age, you're invisible.
- I think it gets better with age.

The number of young guys who wanna
hook up with an older man is ridiculous.

That's because you're on TV.

Every shallow twink in the city
wants to be with someone on TV.

- Don't give yourself too much credit.
- I've seen your profile on Grindr.

Nobody wants to f*ck
a post of a Donald Judd stack.

That's my Instagram profile, dummy.

I'm not on Grindr.
It's nothing but bottoms.

And tops who are also bottoms.

Being single's an attitude.

The minute you are desperate
for a relationship, never gonna find one.

- Mm.
- Well, Michael did. He hated being single.

We would go dancing and to bars.

All he wanted
was someone to settle down with.

I was not desperate.

Umm... Okay, you were focused.

I was not... Okay, yeah, I didn't love
being single. All those planks.

Exactly.

- So whatever it is, work it out.
- Yeah.

Colin's a wonderful guy,
and I believe in the two of you.

Hear hear.

Thanks, guys.

- Any word from Colin?
- I'm sorry. He's a no-show.

Don't worry about it.
I am sitting you with Claire Lewis.

She and her husband are major league
art collectors. They're getting a divorce.

They're selling everything,
including... the apartment.

You're welcome.

Ooh. Claire!

- Hi.
- Hello.

Mwah!

Claire, this is my dear friend

- and fabulous real estate agent...
- Oh!

...Michael Lawson.

Michael, Claire Lewis,
collector extraordinaire. Enjoy.

Interesting.

This is my first time in years
at the singles table.

Oh! Uh...

I'm not single.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I must have misunderstood.
I was sure Stanley...

No, my partner just couldn't make it.
That's all.

I'm just single for the night.

Oh, and my soon-to-be ex-husband
is in a hurry to sell the apartment.

He says it's a white elephant. He doesn't
want the headache in a dicey market.

No, no, no. No, no. You cannot let him
do that. I know that building.

Anything with a terrace
is extremely desirable.

Well, I guess that makes me
extremely desirable adjacent.

Oh!

Which, trust me, is the best thing
I've heard in a long time.

Oh, come on. You're fabulous.

Well, we haven't picked a broker yet,
so you're welcome to come and take a look.

How about tomorrow?

Sure. Be there at 11 o'clock.

But FYI, you've got competition.

I love a challenge.

Well.

Cheers.

Hey, Suzanne, I'm close. Are you here?

What? How far?

Well, hurry up.

Come on, you know
how much this listing means.

Michael Lawson to see Claire Lewis.

I don't wanna f*ck it up
because one of us didn't prepare

for the slim possibility
of New York City traffic!

- Is everything all right, sir?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

- It's just been a rough couple of...
- Elevator to the penthouse.

Okay. Thanks, thanks.

Hello, Michael. What was all that shouting
on the phone downstairs?

- What? How did...
- We have very proper doormen.

A raised voice, the use of profanity.
It sets off alarm bells.

After all,
one's ears are not garbage cans.

Just FYI, if there's a next time.
Please do come in.

Oh my God.

This is...

I feel like
I'm in one of those 1930s movies

where the Depression is happening outside,

but up here, it's just Fred Astaire,

and c*ck, and soirées.

Well, I'm afraid there's been
a good amount of depression happening

up here as well.

That tends to be your emotional state
when your husband of 28 years,

with whom you've raised two children
in this apartment,

comes home one day and tells you
you're not fun anymore and moves out.

- So it was just like that? No warning?
- None!

Goes off to work in the morning.
"What do you want for dinner?"

Came back, ruined my life, and then took
a few things to his new apartment.

So he'd already rented an apartment?

I'm not fun?

He misses his poo window in the morning,
his whole day is shot.

You live with a person for decades,
you think you know them,

and then one day,
you find out this can happen.

Was he, you know, in hindsight,
showing signs of unhappiness

that now you go,
"That should have tipped me off?"

No, nothing! Completely normal.

And then all of a sudden,
the fat f*ck says, "I need some space."

I didn't understand
what he was talking about.

There's 5,000 square feet
in this apartment

and a home in Amagansett.

How much more space do you need?

And then he has the nerve to tell me

I'm not being supportive enough
about this.

So he was asking you to be more positive
about his need for space?

Can you even imagine?

He's leaving me, and I'm supposed to be
all sympathetic and encouraging about it?

He can go suck a d*ck. No offense.

Please.
But back to the space thing.

Was he saying
that you guys could maybe work it out

if you understood his need for space?

What the f*ck am I supposed to do?

Start all over again at my age?

What if I never have sex again?
What if I end up paying for companionship?

Oh, I don't think...

Uh, you're a very attractive...

Don't kid yourself!
I know women like that. Men too.

Everybody wants young, young, young!
No one is looking for someone my age.

I'm going to die alone.

How did this f*cking happen to me?

How in the f*ck did you get up here?
You are supposed to be announced.

Thank you for coming.

We'll be in touch.

Oh, and, Michael, don't forget
our little talk about lobby etiquette.

What is lobby etiquette?

It's about yelling and cursing
in the lobby.

Apparently, all bets are off
once you get upstairs.

Well, she did seem to respond to us,

despite whatever the hell was goin' on
before I got here.

She started talking about her husband
leaving her, and it spooked me.

Our situations are not dissimilar.

Ah! Tyler Hawkins.

Oh my God, déjà vu!

The last time I ran into you guys
was at the Beresford.

Sorry. Oh...

Mm.

- I assume you're here to see Claire Lewis.
- Oh! Love Claire.

Friends with my parents.
So sad about her and Henry.

Mm.

By the way, there's a listing coming up
at 1041 Fifth. Jackie O's building.

I went to Collegiate
with her grandson John. Dreamy.

So I know the tenants. Just didn't want
you guys to get your hopes up.

- sh*t.
- It's not over.

We still have a...

sh*t!

Before we dig in,

um...

I would just like to say thank you
for giving us the opportunity

to take this journey of communication
while living apart

and for making the appointment
with Dr. Sweeny.

You're welcome.

And to demonstrate
my support for your process,

I bought you a housewarming present

for your new apartment
in the undisclosed location.

Thank you. That wasn't necessary.

Bet it's in Williamsburg or DUMBO.
He's always romanticized Brooklyn.

Am I warm?

Well, it sounds like Michael
has a lot of questions, Colin.

As I understand it, you haven't
told Michael where you're living?

He never told me he was leaving.
I thought we'd been robbed.

If I had told you before,
you would've talked me out of it.

This was the only thing I could do

to give us a chance
of dealing with our issues.

Great. And I'm all for it.

You took a brave step.

Even though it might have been interpreted
as a passive-aggressive sucker punch.

Kind of like the surprise party
you threw me?

For a birthday I told you
I had no intention of broadcasting,

where everything had the number 50 on it,
including the urinal cakes.

Oh.

God is in the details.

- I was celebrating you.
- Without my consent.

Then I apologize.

That is kind of
the definition of a surprise party.

But that's not why you moved out.

No.

Well, gentlemen,
there is a lot to unpack here.

I am so glad that we're here
to focus on what's important.

I wanna take this opportunity
to really listen to you.

I feel like we have this fantastic life.
We have so much to be grateful for.

And maybe a lot of it goes unexamined.

Do we need to explore some of that?
Absolutely.

But that is why we're here, right?
So let's do it. Let's focus.

Roll up our sleeves and get to it.

- Our time is almost up.
- Oh.

But I see many positives here.

Two men looking for a way forward,

prepared to do the sometimes painful
hard work that it entails.

I definitely am.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, don't forget
the Jonathans' bris is at 5:00.

- Do you wanna go together?
- I'm late for a meeting. See you there?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Shall we schedule our next appointment?

Same time next week?

- Works for me.
- Great.

Hey, um, between you and me,
how do you think that went?

I think that was a terrific first step.

Long-term relationships can stagnate

without the people in them
even realizing it.

But with counseling,
they can fall in love all over again.

Oh no.

He forgot his gift.

Don't read into it.

- Can you believe this apartment?
- I found it for them.

It's a rental,
but you didn't hear it from me.

I remember Hell's Kitchen when
you couldn't walk west of Ninth Avenue

without getting knifed.

Now it's Chelsea with better gays.

Progress.

Invite said no gifts.

It's for Colin,
something for his new apartment.

The man leaves you cold,
and you buy him a present?

What's in there? Brass knuckles
to punch you in the face with?

He's not wrong. Play hard to get
if you want to get him hard again.

You should embroider that on a pillow.

Look, guys, I am supporting his journey.

And I am not taking relationship advice
from either of you.

Your personal lives speak for themselves.

Hurt people hurt people.

We said no gifts!

- Oh, but if you insist...
- Oh, this isn't for the baby.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

- Where's Colin?
- Um, on his way.

- Oh.
- Have you seen the hot mohel?

He's straight. Don't get any ideas.

Relax. I'm not getting any ideas
about your hot, straight mohel.

- He's totally gonna hit on him.
- Yeah.

- Mijo.
- Yes, Mom?

Here's something I never thought I'd say.
You're running low on gefilte fish.

I'll tell the caterer.

It's my first bris.

I'm going to take one last look
at my grandson's peepee

before the disfiguring.

Mazel tov.

- Tell Colin to get here. We're ready.
- What would you like us to do?

Stand next to me
and catch me in case I faint.

You see that guy?

- Mount Baldy?
- Yeah.

We hooked up three years ago, twice.

I said hi when I came in.
He said, "Nice to meet you."

I don't even know why I bother
scooping my bagel anymore.

Is everything okay?

- We're ready to start. Is Colin...
- Um, he has a...

A work emergency.

So he...

Excuse me.

- Oh my God, did you just throw up?
- Yeah.

So that's your secret.

Stupid me. I could never learn how.

♪ You say I'm crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't think
I know what you've done ♪

♪ But when you call me baby ♪

♪ I know I'm not the only one ♪

♪ You've been so unavailable ♪

♪ Now sadly I know why... ♪

- ♪ Your heart is unobtainable... ♪
- Hello.

I know where Colin's living.

And who he's living with.

Can you meet me for a drink?

♪ You say I'm crazy... ♪

♪ I know I'm not the only one ♪

♪ I have loved you for many years ♪

♪ Maybe I am just not enough ♪

♪ You've made me realize my deepest fear ♪

♪ By lying and tearing us up ♪

♪ You say I'm crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't think
I know what you've done ♪

♪ But when you call me baby ♪

♪ I know I'm not the only one ♪