01x07 - The Weekend

[bunniefuu]

Alright, Bill, see ya.

- Later, buddy.

- Have a great weekend.

What?

Have a great week

Wait, hold on. It's It's Friday?

Yeeeeeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This can't be.

But why not?

You don't have kids.

When there's no school

there's no childcare.

Bummer.

You don't understand!

The weekend is worse than the week!

Is someone filming this?!

Human resources?!

Ken!

No, no, please, just give me more work!

Aah! I want to stay here!

The weekend is worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

- Bill, Bill! Bill!

- Eh? Ah! Uh! Ah!

- Bill!

- Oh!

Oh, man, I just had a

nightmare it was the weekend.

- It is Saturday.

- [GROANS]

So, I didn't scream at my office?

I don't know.

We'll find out Monday, I guess.

God.

[SIGHS]

Remember how weekends used to be?

Sleep till noon.

Yeah, take off on my motorcycle.

Poop alone.

Well, all that's gone.

Now it's just kid stuff

and family obligations.

Ooh, and this weekend,

Emily has her first homework assignment.

Come on. Emily has homework now?

Just for the next 12 years.

[CHUCKLES] Happy Saturday.

Ohh.

Hey.

The kids are still asleep. So

Mm. You want to have nervous,

silent sex while we stare at the door?

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

Pancakes! Pancakes!

We want waffles.

And we're off.

Mmm. Toothpaste and coffee.

The working man's peppermint latte.

What's the damage today, Jo?

[SIGHS] We've got two kids'

birthday parties.

Actual friends, fake school friends,

family, or people we hate?

Combo move.

Lulu's friend and my

brother Benicio's kid.

Do we have to go to the Benicio thing?

Do you know how annoying

he'll be if we don't go?

As annoying as if we do go?

And we have a funeral.

Oh, God!

Your family constantly dies.

Who is it this time?

My cousin Luis.

The guy with all the turtles.

Enh. They were tortoises.

Well, whatever they were, he died,

and they ate his toes.

- Hey. I hope you do that to me.

- [CHUCKLES]

At least both birthdays

are at Party Pizza,

so, you know, we won't be

stuck in the car with the kids.

Oh, thank God.

Oh. Wait.

No. Sorry.

They're at two different Party Pizzas

40 miles apart?! What the

Aren't weekends relaxing?

Ugh. Boy, do I need it.

Why? What'd you do all week?

Bought pantyhose, saw the dentist,

mailed a letter.

I don't know how I got it all done.

[SLURPS]

Ahh.

Ooh, that's good joe.

[SLURPS]

Ahhhhh.

Tell you what Let's

just drive aimlessly

- until that first party starts.

- Yeah.

Oh, look. They're opening our gift.

I grabbed something Lulu

never opened on her birthday.

It's the perfect crime.

Aw, look!

"To Lulu. Happy Birthday.

Love, Daphne."

Since you already hate us,

we're gonna take a pizza for the car.

[NOISEMAKER HONKING]

Thank you.

What are we doing with our lives, huh?

We work all week so we can do all this?

Yes.

You wanted to have kids.

Uh, no, I didn't. You did.

Well, I guess there's been

a huge miscommunication.

Come on, babe, why do we have

to go to all your family events?

Because otherwise, we're not a family.

We're just a bunch of

people in the same city

with the same nose.

All I wanted to do today was

watch the U. Colorado game.

You can do that.

Jo, we made one promise.

To never lie to each other, okay?

Please do not violate

that sacred covenant now,

or we have nothing.

[CHUCKLES]

What if this weekend,

we each got to do one

small thing for ourselves?

Totally depends. What's yours?

I'd like to get my nails done.

My feet look like a

Johnny Depp necklace.

Deal. Game today. Nails on Sunday.

Whoo-hoo!

[NOISEMAKER HONKS]

Okay, Benicio is depressing,

so don't encourage it

for your own amusement.

Ah, come on. That's the only

joy I can get out of the guy.

I've met him, like, 300 times.

He never remembers who I am.

Nine siblings, and you're the only one

who showed for my son's birthday.

Typical.

Benicio, I-I'm sure Chuy

just has our other brothers

helping out at Luis' funeral.

- You know how he is.

- [SCOFFS]

Oh, I know how he is.

You know Chuy stole my life, right?

- Yes.

- No. How?

September 10, 2001.

Oh, boy.

I spot Brie Gonzalez

at the school dance,

and I turn to my brother Chuy,

and I say, "Dibs."

The next thing you know,

they're married and have kids,

like I never had dibs.

That's crazy.

I should be living in his

house with his family,

and he should be the one

whose air mattress exploded last night.

You can't call dibs on a person.

I think you can, you know?

I-I'm on your side.

It may be Luis' funeral,

but it is Chuy who's dead to me.

Forever.

My sister's so rude.

I'm Benicio, by the way.

I'm also Benicio.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

You're the only family who showed.

[SIGHS] Well, of course.

I show up to everything. [SCOFFS]

Where are the other brothers?

I don't know. We just saw

Benicio at his kid's birthday.

Hey, Benicio isn't still

talking about dibs, is he?

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, he was.

You know how he is.

Uh, yeah. I know how he is.

Well, time to go crush this funeral.

The game starts in an hour.

Don't worry, babe.

We'll sit in the back.

- If it goes too long, we'll sneak out.

- Okay, okay.

Bill! Jo!

There's seats up front! Get over here!

Look at this whole row! Come with me!

Okay, look, Chuy barely knew Luis.

This'll be 10 minutes, tops.

First, I'd like to thank

the tortoise community

for your incredible support.

What can you say about Luis?

Nothing.

Good.

But what can I say about Luis?

A whole buttload of stuff.

Bad.

Luis loved baseball.

He watched every Rockies game.

162 a year!

In his honor,

we will now take 162 moments of silence.

One

Game starts in five minutes.

Oh, just start recording it.

Two

101

Why did Luis love tortoises?

Who cares?

They're so slow,

and everyone hates when things go slow.

Yeah, amen.

What's the rush? Hmm?

Everyone's in a hurry to get somewhere

better than where they are.

And all these things

that we rush past

well, that's life.

Slow down!

Enjoy your life!

Live.

Like.

A.

Tortoise.

[VOICE BREAKING]

He always gets me at the end.

Thank you, Denver! Good night!

Okay, look, I-I got to get out of here

before someone tells me the score.

- I'll just see you at the car, okay?

- Okay.

Bill, did you see the game?!

No, Mo Shh, shh, shh. I recorded it.

- Wait, where is it?

- [BEEPING]

Oh, it asked if I wanted to record it,

but I didn't see any reason,

'cause I was already watching it.

- [CHEERING]

- ANNOUNCER: And there you have it!

The greatest comeback

victory in Colorado history!

I feel bad for anyone who missed it!

Please don't touch the remote.

I'm recording something.

It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

- It's worse than the week!

- Bill!

Eh! Ah! Ah! Oh, no.

- I just had a nightmare it's

- It is Sunday.

The kids are still asleep, so

Oh.

Waffles! Waffles! Waffles! Waf

Let me guess. You want pancakes?

No. Cereal.

[SIGHS]

So, JoJo, Sunday plans. What do you got?

Uh, there's

nothing.

No parties, nothing with my family.

Oh, my God.

I have dreamed of this day for so long.

I know.

Now that it's here,

I have no idea what to do with it.

Ooh, I have an idea

Nothing.

Just relax.

- Oh, yes.

- Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just stay home and relax.

Oh, my gosh.

That actually sounds amazing.

[SIGHS]

[BELL DINGING]

Bang! Bang! Whap! Bang!

Ahhhh!

We got to get out of here.

What can we do?

And don't say

or they will make us do it.

A movie?

Movie! We're going to a movie!

Oopsie doodle.

Fine, we'll take you to a movie,

but then you have to do

your homework tonight.

Yay! I'll get my jacket!

Okay, look, babe, after the movie,

I'll take the kids to the food court,

and you can get your nails done.

And then a bottle of wine and oblivion.

Can't wait for that.

I literally can't wait for that.

I'm gonna make that happen right now.

Okay, you get the car,

I'll get the kids, okay?

Kids! Come on! Let's go!

EMILY: I can't find my jacket!

Emily's jacket.

You left it at the funeral yesterday.

Thank you, but we

We really got to go.

Oh, I'll be brief. Please, come in.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I-I can't stop thinking about

what God said yesterday.

When He spoke through

me at Luis' funeral.

Chuy, we're really in a hurry.

Well, when God and I said that

everyone is in way

too much of a hurry

Okay, yeah, but we

actually are in a hurry, okay?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Lulu's jacket.

You left it at Jose's party.

Thank you, Beni.

Uh, kids, we got to get out of here!

That's okay. I've got a minute.

Brother.

Once upon a time.

I see what you did, Jo.

You left one jacket at the

funeral and the other at

At Jose's party, knowing

we would each feel compelled

to return the jacket

And settle the feud

- between us.

- Between us.

Right. Yeah.

'Cause we're not just

two stressed-out people

with kids leaving crap everywhere we go.

This ends right here, right now.

Hey, do you guys maybe want

to do this at a Starbucks?

'Cause

Hey, aren't you worried?

No. I hope they k*ll each other.

Alright, we made it,

with three minutes to spare.

Ha! For once,

our family didn't blow up our lives.

Uh-oh.

What?

[SCOFFS]

My God.

I mean, we can't wake them.

No way.

They'll turn into demons.

Bye, movie.

Bye, $50.

You know, I swear,

they're messing with us.

[SCOFFS]

Another weekend disaster.

Ohh. No, come on, babe.

Look, I missed my game,

but you can still go

get your nails done.

I can't leave you alone.

You have to.

I can't.

Eh

I'm already dead. It's too late for me.

But you can still live.

Go. Get your nails done.

- What if they wake up?

- They will.

Now go, before they do.

[STRAINED] Remember me!

- They're closing.

- Oh.

[SIGHS] God.

What are we about to walk into here?

[BOTH SOBBING]

Damn it. Everyone's still alive.

The feud that has destroyed this family

is at last resolved.

We finally realized

what the problem was.

Great. What was it?

You.

What are you talking about?

Jo, you stoked the flames of this feud.

You pitted us against each other,

like a demon puppet-master.

That's insane.

Is it, Jo?

Yesterday, when I asked you

if Chuy was mad at me,

you said, "You know how he is."

And when I asked you if

Benicio was mad at me,

you said, "You know how he is."

So?

How am I, Jo?

And how am I?

Like this!

Well, we disagree.

You’re the one who is.

And who continues to be "is."

Me? [SCOFFS]

I am the one who holds

this whole family together.

Listen, guys, we're the only ones

who go to every party and funeral.

I mean, Jo is the glue of your family.

And you actually think I'm the problem?

Yes, that's what we just said.

[CHUCKLES]

Sure.

Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

1,000 burpees.

Children's Benadryl and vermouth.

Chuy Marco Alejandro Rodriguez,

I release the dibs.

Benicio Alejandro Marco Rodriguez,

I thank you.

We're brothers again.

And, Sandy, you are a miracle worker.

W-What did she do?

I told them you can't

call dibs on a person.

Well, I think you can.

Let's all go out and celebrate!

- Oh! I'm buying, boys.

- [LAUGHS]

Okay, we'd love to, but we can't.

We got the kids.

Too bad! Come on, fellas.

You know, you really got to

learn to enjoy the weekend, man.

By the way, I'm Benicio.

Well, we did it.

Another weekend in the books.

No, we didn't do it.

Emily's homework, remember?

Unbelievable.

Every time we feel like we're done,

we're not done.

Emily, let's go.

Why can't I just play with Play-Doh?

It's in the name.

Because you can't just do whatever

you want every second, sweetie.

You do whatever you want.

[SCOFFS]

What?!

Your dad wanted to watch the game.

I wanted to get my nails done.

We didn't get to do anything

we wanted to do this weekend.

Well, I want ice cream.

No. Do your homework.

I'll do it if you give me ice cream.

No ice cream!

Okay? Go! Do your homework! Now!

You're so mean! I hate you, Mom!

[SIGHS]

Wow, that was an emotional hit job.

Alright.

Look, she doesn't hate you.

I know, but still.

Gosh.

Why are, like,

the simplest things so hard?

Yeah, I can't wait until

they're out of the house.

We can just sit here, drinking naked.

Imagine doing whatever we want again.

I would watch every game.

The whole game.

Any sport. I don't care.

I would just sleep.

Ooh. Me, too. I change my answer.

That's a good one.

I can't believe we've

sacrificed all our freedom

just to get screamed at.

Babe, you know who

I'm almost jealous of?

- Hmm?

- Luis.

He watched every game, and then he died.

Death is sleep.

Yeah, but only like eight

people showed up to his funeral.

I don't know. Maybe Chuy was right.

You know, maybe we should just

try to enjoy this time and slow down.

Hey. You know what?

I bet 30 years from now,

we'd k*ll to have a weekend like this.

[CHUCKLES]

Dude, I'm so tired.

Like, I literally don't

care about anything.

Do you?

Nope.

Emily?

Let's have some ice cream!

Ohh. Mm.

I'm sorry, Mommy. I love you.

It's just that I get mad

when I don't get what I want.

I know, pumpkin.

Me, too.

Yeah, me, too.

Oop.

I'll do my homework.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

What lesson did we just teach?

Who cares? Tomorrow,

she's the school's problem again.

"My Weekend, by Emily Ryan.

I went to two parties and

ate six pieces of cake."

"My uncles fought in my living room.

Plus, my parents don't work on weekends,

so I got to spend two

whole days with them.

I have the best family."

Ohhhhh!

You see? She has no idea

we're completely inept.

What are you doing?

Making the kids' lunches. Why?

It's Monday.

It's a holiday weekend.

Boy, do I need it.

[SLURPS]

Ahhhhh.

Excuse me.

[SLURPS]

Ahhhhhhh.

JO: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Uh-oh.