01x02 - The Biter

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Emily. Time to go.

Oh, my God. It's 7:05!

How is it so early and
we're already so late?

Phone. Where's my phone?

- Where's my phone?
- Babe, I'm sorry.

I can't pretend to care where
your phone is right now.

- Hon, call it, please.
- Okay.

Hey, where's my phone?

Jo? Jo, where's my phone?

- Really, babe?
- I need it!

I need... Mom, Mom. [WHISTLES]

Could you call my phone, please?

- Yeah. It's ringing.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Shut up! Everyone shut up!

Oop. Got it.

- Call mine.
- Yeah.

Wa-ah! Ooh!

Good morning.

Mom, could you at least help us
get Emily's shoes on, please?

Yeah, I-I-I would love to, but...

[RETCHES, SPITS]

I'm very busy.

Busy being disgusting or...?

No! [LAUGHS]

No, I'm harvesting my saliva.

I'm doing it for an Ancestry DNA kit.

They take three test tubes of spit

and weave together
the tapestry of your heritage.

Weave the what?

Bill, get the lunches, please.

Emily, put your shoes on.

- Why?
- Because we have to go to school.

I don't want to go to school!

I don't want to do anything
I'm doing, so...

Fine, if you don't want
to put on your shoes,

Mommy will just put them on for you.

[SCREAMS]

I'm not even touching you.

[SINGSONG VOICE] Carpool's here!

It is way too early for that.

Early? It's 7:09.

I've already taken 30,000
steps and read the Bible.

And I fixed your mailbox on the way in.

I was gonna get to that this weekend.

Yeah, well, it was on
my "to-do for you list."

And I know you don't respect breakfast,

so I brought over some organic granola.

Thank you.

Sometimes you're a nice brother.

It's for Sandy.

Thank you, Chuy.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it

as soon as I replenish my saliva.

Mm.

Chuy, you are an inspiration.

Honestly, I don't know why these two

can't get out the door in the morning.

Well, behind every man is a
great woman just doing it all.

You know, my wife, Brie.

Hey, Bill?

It's too bad Jo can't do it all.

Right, Bill?

I'm gonna go get my bag.

Oh, Bill, Bill, can you get
the check for the day care?

Wait, what did you just say?

The check for the...

Day care?

My beautiful goddaughter's in day care?

- [SPITS]
- Exactly!

This child is a genius.

She needs to be in preschool.

Well, good reason she's not.

We forgot to apply.

[SCOFFS]

You forgot?

Well, you know how it
is with your second kid...

Sort of forget you have them?

Alright, so, Lulu's just
gonna rot for a year

with a bunch of dum-dum babies?

Hey, hey!

Some of them are toddlers.

Okay, I will fix this.

I'll put in a word with
Rainbow Beginnings.

It's where my kids went,
and they're perfect.

These kids aren't.

Yeah, thanks, Chuy,
but we can take care of our own kids.

Let's go. Bill, get the stroller.

Okay.

[CHUY LAUGHS]

[KEYS CLATTER]

Oh, my God.

It's 7:05.

How is it so early and feels so late?

So, is there just always traffic now?

Is that it?

Let's homeschool the kids.

[CHUCKLES]

Because of traffic?

Maybe.

- What's for dinner?
- [SIGHS]

Why does there have to
be dinner every night?

Do you think there's
any chance in the world

your mom made dinner for us?

I just had the most wonderful dinner.

I'm so glad I took that
cooking-for-one class.

Oh, yum!

We can't keep going
across town every day

for the next three years.

Maybe you should take
Chuy up on his advice.

I mean, I looked at the website
for Rainbow Beginnings,

and it looks like a terrific preschool.

And it's a block away
from Emily's school.

It is?

Anyway, I'm dying to get
my test results back

from the DNA thing.

I know we're Irish,
but this is an Italian nose.

Somebody had an affair.

As... urgent as that is,

babe, how did we not know that
Rainbow Beginnings is so close?

We got to do this.

I mean, it's one drop-off.

That's the dream.

Do we... dare to dream?

I had penne for dinner.

Oh, fun fact!

"Penne" means "p*nis"!

Who knew?!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Sweetheart, with one drop-off,

I could actually get to work on time.

You know, they never promote me
'cause I always show up sweaty,

and, you know... they never
promote the sweaty guy.

Yes, but Lulu loves it where she is.

I mean, she's made friends.

True, true. Pulling her out
right now would be traumatic.

You're right.

Eh. We never get to see our friends.
Why should she?

Let's do it.

I think you're making
a wonderful decision.

Well, the fact that you're
on board makes me hate it,

- but we're still gonna do it.
- We're gonna do it.

Wow. Ms. Molina, this place is gorgeous.

The little desks and the little chairs.

It's like a little school.

It is. It is a preschool.

That is, without a doubt,

the finest sandbox I have ever seen.

Thank you.

And, of course,
we take safety very seriously.

Obviously, this is a nut-free zone.

Oh, well, that might be a problem

because Lulu is a bit of a nut.

[LAUGHS]

Nuts can k*ll some of our students.

Yeah, Jo, come on.

Excuse me.

So, I hope... you know
isn't intimidated.

This is a big step. I know.

I know. It's all kind
of hitting me, you know?

She's not a baby anymore, and, uh,

we're not... not having any more babies.

- Dear God, no.
- No. That's it.

It's like... no more babies.

[VOICE BREAKING] I love babies.

Ooh. Sorry.

Well, you're in the system now, Lulu.

It's over. Good luck.

Lulu... I know this
place is big and scary,

but you know what?

In a few days, you're gonna
make some friends and...

Bye!

[SCREAMS]

That b*tch.

Doesn't she know how emotionally
fragile we are right now?

[SIGHS]

So, now what?

Well, now we walk Emily
next door to her school,

and we have 45 minutes
until work starts,

so maybe we have a...

[GASPS]

- [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
- Car party!

[MUSIC STOPS]

I have been staring at my phone

for eight solid minutes
without anyone interrupting.

Hey, did you know that
we had a new President?

Reaction... is real mixed.

I cannot wait to waste
this time every day!

I'm not gonna do anything responsible.

Uhp! Score. Half-eaten
baggie of Goldfish.

Ooh, gimme!

Ohh!

- Mm. Here, catch.
- Oh.

There we go.

This is our best date ever.

Oh, God. That's sad.

No, this is amazing.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh. It's the preschool.

Hello?

Okay.

- Okay. Shh!
- What's happening?

Okay, thank you. We will be right in.

- Thank you.
- What happened?

Lulu bit Casper.

So...

Casper is a child?

Someone chose to name
their child... Casper?

Guessing you've heard all

- the "friendly ghost" jokes...
- I've heard them.

I mean, they're kids.

Biting's a thing that happens, right?

It's not that big a deal.

Mommy!

Oh, my God!

We're also learning about cherries.

- [GASPS] Oh.
- [SIGHING] Okay.

[KEYS CLATTER]

Oh, good. You're home.

Doesn't this look exactly like me?

BILL: Ohh.

Hitting the wine a little
early tonight, huh?

I'm telling you, we're Italian.

That explains why I love pasta.

Definitely explains why I love penne.

Because I told you last night
that "penne" means...

- Yeah, yeah, we got it!
- Would you stop talking, please?

- p*nis.
- [THUD]

How was Lulu's first day?

Oh, it was amazing.

- It was really, really great.
- So good!

We're not gonna tell her
about the biting, right?

Oh, never. Her or Chuy.

SANDY: Oh, my God!

Hopefully, that just means we're
related to Pacino or something.

I just found this in Lulu's bag.

It says she's a-a... a biter?

"Incident report"?

Well, the school already told us.

They also have to write her up?

This thing is eight pages long!

There's recommended reading?

How did we end up with homework?

They never did this kind of
thing at Emily's preschool.

Yeah, the only time they ever called us

was when our check bounced.

The pictures from the security
cameras are very disturbing.

Lulu looks up at the camera and laughs.

I think she bit Casper for a thrill.

Mom, kids bite, okay? It's fine.

Well, you did have that "rubbing
yourself against blocks"

incident in the first grade.

Mom!

What?

No, I-I... I was...

cleaning them on my pants.

You know, your dad was a biter.

Not that I didn't enjoy
it from time to time...

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

A biter? A biter?!

How do you know?

I'm on the board.
I get every incident report.

Why?

[SIGHS] This needs to be handled.

Okay.

Okay, uh... Lulu doesn't
have our last name.

She has Bill's last name,
so that's good.

Um, I can call in some favors.

We can steal the footage.

And we need to go on the attack.

We are gonna destroy Casper.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Oh, you are as wise
as you are beautiful.

Oh, Chuy.

Can we have a snack?

Okay.

Could you two give us a sec
so we could talk to Lulu?

Or... just stay right there. Whatever.

Hey, Lulu?

Today you did something that was...

not okay.

I don't think that really sunk in.

Mom, please?

Lulu, you bit Casper,
and that's a no-no.

Okay? We don't bite, okay?

Look.

Rrrrnh!

No.

Rrrrnh!

That's a no.

Blapo do.

"Blapo do" means "okay."

Blah-bleep dookey do.

Blah-bleep dookey do.

She's got it.

Bah-bleep do-do-do.

[LAUGHS]

- What...
- What does that mean?

It's a sick burn.

So, that's handled.

♪♪

Hey, Ms. Molina.

Thank you so much
for the incident report.

We did all the recommended reading.

Supes interesting. [CHUCKLES]

I actually tapped out around 2:00 a.m.,

but I get the gist... Biting bad.

Great.

And obviously, Lulu is new.

It's normal to have bumps in the road.

Thank you so much for understanding.

Just let us know if there's
anything else you need from us.

- Alright.
- Wait.

Where are you going?

- To work.
- To work.

To stop biting behavior,

you need to catch it in
action and redirect it.

Well, good luck catching it.

And redirecting it.

And the parents need to do
the observing and redirecting

for it to be most effective.

This was all in the recommended reading.

- It was?
- Yeah, Bill. [SCOFFS]

Let me get this straight...
Instead of going to work,

you want us to... stay here
and watch our kid?

At the place we thought we
were paying to watch our kid?

Thank you!

♪♪

[KIDS SCREAMING]

Hey. How'd the first shift go?

It was the world's most boring stakeout.

Four hours of absolutely nothing.

Although, a good portion
of that was a nap.

Oh, so, the kids napped already?

Sure. Yeah. Let's say it was them.

Babe, I can't believe this is happening.

You know, Emily was supposed
to be the weird one

- and Lulu was easy.
- I know.

Now the easy one is the... psycho one

and the weird one is...

well, still the weird one.

MS. MOLINA: Lulu!

Maybe there's two Lulus?

There has been a second,
more disturbing incident.

So, she k*lled someone or...?

♪♪

Lulu kissed Casper.

My son was kissed!

Kissed.

These are Casper's parents,
Kendra and Casper Senior.

- [SNORTS]
- [LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

They have asked to have a dialogue.

Last night, Casper was so upset,

he couldn't even eat his vegetables.

Yeah, that sounds unrelated.

He's vegan.

He's literally starving.

Was probably starving before.

Hello.

They're just children. I mean, come on.

Haven't you guys been through
this with your other kids?

Um, we care about the environment,

so Casper is our only child, and...

So... Okay...

So, you guys don't know anything? Okay.

I'm sorry?

Eh, it's alright. No need to apologize.

Look, why don't we just
keep Casper and Lulu

away from each other, okay?

Well, not okay, because Lulu
is Casper's only friend.

What is happening?

It's the process.

We'd like to engage in
regular mediation sessions,

- and in a few months, when we finish...
- Months? Whoa, whoa.

We can't do that. We work.

Have you heard of that? Work?

Yes. We've heard of that.

Then why don't you have to do it?

My great-grandfather invented straws.

And I married him.

Okay, that does seem like
a lot of work, actually.

Let's keep the focus on the children.

Here's what happened...
Lulu had Magna-Tiles.

Casper wanted them,
he tried to take them,

so she bit him.

She was just protecting herself.

Au contraire!

Lulu aggressively invaded
Casper's space by kissing him.

If she was a CEO, she would be fired.

Maybe not.

No, no, no, no.
That's up to the shareholders.

Will you listen to us?
We all sound stupid!

Often, the process does not...

sound smart.

Look, all kids are psycho, okay?

I took the day off to learn that...

Roberto eats sand, Julia picks her nose,

Felix cleans the blocks on his pants.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I-I should be at work. Okay?

I don't believe we've finished.

Uh, I'm sorry,
but all we want from preschool

is to drop our kid off and pick her up.

Right, and we ask, "How
was school?" and she says,

"Good," and that's it.

Yeah, and then... And then we're...

We're like, "Oh, come on,
something must have happened."

And she's like, "Why do you
guys need to know everything?

Get off my back!" You know what I mean?

Yeah, and then... and then she,
like, storms up to her room,

and we're like,
"What the hell's her problem?"

And then we don't know what to do,
so we say something like,

"Hey! No vaping!"

That's it! Okay?

We just want 12 years of that!

Normal stuff!

- Right, normal.
- Okay?

- Normal!
- You know, just normal.

- Normal!
- You know, like a normal life,

- like normal people would...
- Normal!

- You know, normal...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can I see you in the time-out tent?

[WHISPERING] You're in trouble.

♪♪

Thank. You. For. That.

What?

So, we're not in trouble?

Because that little
rat with the mustache

said we were in trouble.

The parents get worse every year.

Biting is totally age-appropriate.

But these parents get way too
involved in their kids' lives.

Ah, well, you never have
to worry about that with us.

Get out of here and go to work.

We don't need to talk
for the rest of the year.

[GASPS] Really?

Yeah. I like kids.

But I hate parents.

No offense.

Are you kidding?

We hate parents, too!

I was so worried because
you're Chuy's sister.

He is...

Oh, yeah, he is.

And I've got nine brothers.

He's the best one.

He always makes us feel bad
'cause his kids are perfect.

Perfect? Ha.

One of them used to poop in the cubby.

We are gonna be best friends.

Anyway, will you do me a favor

and look really upset
when we leave the tent?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a good fake crier.

Fake?

[CHUCKLING] Okay.

We got reamed.

Yeah, we learned a big lesson today.

[WHISPERING] We didn't
learn a lesson at all.

♪♪

Well, the biter's down.

What about the weirdo?

She wouldn't brush her teeth,

and then she drew a spider on her face.

Eh, we'll wash it off in the morning.

With a Sharpie.

Does it look cool?

Nope.

I have terrible news.

Uh-oh. What happened?

We're not Italian.

We're Dutch!

I'm-a so sad!

[SOBBING]

Mom, you're crushing my penne.

Oh! I'm so...

♪♪