01x06 - Party of Two

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, y'all.
Listen.

We got some high rollers
in the building tonight.

I'm talking about
some big spenders.

Type of n*gg*s
that wear white pants.

- They gonna regret it.

- Now I need all y'all
booty-head n*gg*s on point.

Few orders of business.

Shirts tucked in, n*gga.

No cell phones on the floor.
- f*ck.

- Dealers will now be
exclusively paid through tips.

And since
can't nobody do Spanish,

Jalapeno poppers will now
be known on the menu

as "lil hot nuggets."

Y'all can't beat my a*s,
though.

- All right, Langston,
time to step on your soapbox

and tell us what flavor
oppression is this.

- Mm-mm.
No, not today.

No, sir, you know,
cause every time

I try to stand up
for what's right,

you guys tell me
I'm a whiny h*

and you call me mean names
like Yawn Lewis

or Desmond Fufu

or Nel-Suck Mandel-Suck.

No, no.

Yeah, dap away,
because I'm not participating.

- No. No.
That's your job.

Come on.
We're "Seinfeld."

You're the lady, and we're
all Kramer yelling "n*gga."

- Mm-hmm.
- Don't tempt him.

If Langston doesn't start
swinging his tampon around,

I don't have to get involved
in any of this bullshit.

I can't afford it.

I promised Nina
that I would focus

and take things
more seriously.

I'm trying to stop
cheating on my girl

and get on "Top Chef."

- Come on, Langston.

If there was ever a time
to be annoying for a cause,

this is it, bruh.
- Yeah--

- I mean, look at
all these people watching, man.

Wait a minute, Chris, you love
all the people watching.

Unlike me, this injustice
will not stand!

- Wait, wait, wait.
Is that a triple negative?

What are you saying, brother?

- What I'm saying is,
the people are getting f*cked

and it is not good.

- Oh, he yelling about us.

- Listen, it starts
with the dealers.

Then it's gonna go, what,
to the c*ck servers,

the bedsheet bleachers,
the card ironers,

the untouchably f*ck
valet guys.

- Oh, this n*gga wanna see
which bald-head n*gga

can get the loudest?
Well, let's do it!

- Well, let's go, cause
I can get louder than that!

I said, think about it
for a second.

First, it's the dealers.

Then, all of a sudden, the dish
n*gg*s not making no money.

- Uh-uh-uh. What you call me?
- A dish n*gga. Dish n*gga.

Dish n*gga, he don't know
how to lishen.

- Langston, come on, bro.

This is not how this is
supposed to be going down.

You gotta play your part.

You're supposed to say
a whole bunch of stuff

nobody cares about,
Sam frowns,

Chris says some sexy sh*t,

and then, I get
to have all the fun.

I get to make
a botanical laser tag garden.

- Whoo, can't you help you,
player.

I'm eating pudding
with my friend.

- Dog, come on.
- That's right.

Everybody get mad!
Let's protest, n*gg*s!

- Chris, what the f*ck
are you doing?

- Uh, nobody
gets popped faster

than a m*therf*cker pretending
to care about injustice.

Tamika Mallory, poppin'.

DeRay Mckesson,
poppin' in a bubble vest.

Colin Kaepernick got his own
ice cream and sh*t, man.

I want my own Kneeling Nougat,
so what I'm gonna do

is pretend to care
about injustice, kind of,

and then, when I get poppin',
sh*t,

Chris Henson's
Freedom Frankfurters.

12 inches of justice
for that a*s, and then some.

Somebody scream!

- Scream again, n*gga.

- Chris, I know you're trying
to do something,

but could you not?

I can't lose this job.

Besides, these protests
never work.

It's always just
a bunch of people

doing arts and crafts
and being loud

and then going back
to their jobs.

You deflate the giant rat,

and it's back
to shoveling sh*t.

- Langston.
- Mm-mm-mm.

- Langston.
- Mm-hmm?

- And then, you say?
- No.

- Dude.
- No.

- Oh, my God.

"Progress, no matter how
incremental, is important.

Ouchie.
My p*ssy go wah-wah."

- Now, see, that was
a stunning impression of me.

Unfortunately, I'm keeping
my p*ssy out of this one.

- Dog.

- We're not even
talking about progress.

Best case scenario,

they give the dealers
their wages back.

And they'll be as poor
as they were last week.

- Exactly, my sister.
Exactly.

f*ck change.

The only way to make money
off of social justice

is if sh*t never changes.

Batman don't wanna
catch the Joker for real.

Without the Joker, Batman
is just a n*gga in leather

standing on a roof
missing his daddy.

Watch this sh*t right here.

We are the people!

We love the people!

We fight for the people!

And this n*gga's
just a person.

- He is just a person!

- That's exactly right.

- I say, all my fellow
employees, let's band together

until justice is dealt
to the dealers.

Leave this building
and never look back!

- Y'all gonna walk out on me?
Me?

After all I've done for you?

- Man, you ain't done sh*t.
- What?

When you n*gg*s wanted them
Takis in the vending machine,

who got 'em for you?

And Craig, I could've
f*cked your wife, n*gga,

but I ain't do all that,
though, did I?

Man, Chris, what kind of game
you trying to run, man?

You know this sh*t coming from

the money m*therf*ckers
upstairs.

- Well, then show me the stairs

and I'll walk
them m*therf*ckers!

Let's go, y'all!

- Get me a light.
Ain't there a--

God damn.

- Busy day.

- This is--I don't care.
I'm not losing my job.

- Mm.
- All yours now, boss man.

- Well, now that school's out,

you tryna go to dinner?

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

This whole rhythm is off.

Might as well have ourselves
a nice night.

- Okay. Sure.

- I'ma go home and get dressed.
You go home and get dressed.

Uh, meet around 9:30,
Fondue Factory?

I'll make a rezzy.
- A rezzy?

- We want change.
We want dollars.

We want change and dollars.
Stop dancing.

Tell your CEO that I'm about
to put my foot in his A-S-S.

- Well, he's not here.

You know, he works about
as much as a kittycat barks.

- Well, I'm going
in there anyway

because I work for the people
who also ain't working.

- Oh, go ahead.
It's a pretty cool office.

You know, he's got the jacket
from Weird Al's "Eat It" video

framed on the wall.

- I want fair wages
for my people.

- Oh. Well, I don't think
I can help with that,

but if you want a picture
with that jacket, I'm your man.

- I don't need
no damn jacket.

f*ck yo M&M's.

Hey, man.

Tell your CEO,
I'm chaining myself

and I'm chaining myself
forever.

And I ain't Django!

Once I'm chained, I can't
be unchained, m*therf*ckers.

♪ ♪

- ♪ There were bells ♪
- Here we go.

- ♪ On the hill ♪

♪ But I never
heard them ringing ♪

Big boy.

- ♪ No, I never
heard them at all ♪

♪ Till there was you ♪

- What's up, b*tch?

Yeah, I bet you didn't know
I could do that, huh?

Guess what, Jak?

There's a lot
you don't know about me.

Whoo!

f*ck.
What are you doing?

- Hey, man,
take off those Heelys.

You're 34.

- Mirror Klay Thompson?

- Just be yourself.
You're a great guy.

You're so good at not staring
at people with disabilities.

You got the juice, man.

You're gonna be
the CEO someday.

And, hey, I'd be nervous
to go to dinner with Jak too,

but whatever he says to you

is just a reflection
of how he feels about himself.

Now peace out,
my fellow yellow.

- Wow.
Thanks, Klay Thompson.

- You see that dude over there?

His name is Abegunde Madu.

You remember that boat
got stuck in the Suez Canal?

- Nah.

- Well, this the n*gga
that got it unstuck.

- Whoa.

- You know how much money
you gotta have

to get a m*therf*cking boat
unstuck?

Well, it's his last night
in Gary

and he don't know
this casino is low-key a*s,

so I need you
to take good care of him.

Whatever he wants,
you do it.

- You got it.
- Mm, get it.

Okay, Sam.

Time to pretend like
you like African n*gg*s.

You can do this.
I need this money.

- Oh. Oh!

Fine girl.
- Hmm?

- No pimples. Mmm.

All right, man.

Welcome to Diamondback Palace.

I'm your VIP experience.
What do you want?

- Mm-mm, you are too pretty
to be working.

Why does your husband
make you work, hmm?

Point him out to me.
Which man makes you do this?

- Him.

- f*ck!

- But he's my boss,
not my husband.

I'm not married, and
I actually have a girlfriend,

so before we even--

Oh, oh!

- 666-1JAC-UZZI.

- Bubble, bubble.
That's right.

You're live
with DJ Jeremy Jacuzzi

and the Pool Boy.

- Hello?
Am I on the air?

- Damn right.
What's your name, Kemosabe?

- This is Chris Henson,

and I'm calling
on behalf of the people.

- Well, Chris, my boy,
tell the people

you're
the lucky 44th caller,

and all we need to hear
is the phrase that pays.

- Oh, for real?
- Give it to me, my man.

- Jeremy Jacuzzi got me wet.

- Uh-oh!
There it is.

And that means you've won
a free trip to the mall

with Indiana backup guard
Justin Holiday.

- Jrue Holiday's brother?
Damn, that's dope.

- That's right,
Mr. Locker Room himself.

You've seen him almost play.

- Oh, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Okay.
I'm a celebrity activist.

The casino's cutting wages,
exploiting workers,

and it got n*gg*s chained up
to desk in random offices.

And I'm "n*gg*s."

You hear that?

Tell everybody listening
right now

to boycott
the Diamondback Palace casino

until our voices are heard
and justice is served.

- Uh-oh, sounds like we've got
ourselves a r-r-r-rebellion.

- Reservation?

- Yeah, um...

I believe
it's under Boba Fett.

- Ah, yes.
I'll show you to Mr. Fett.

Right this way.

Thank you, Robin.
I told you he'd show up.

How are you?

- I'm okay.

- You look good.
You smell good too.

- Thanks.
- Come on.

The times.

The times.
The times.

- Wow.

Is this--
is this a Moscato?

- That's a dessert wine, silly.

This is a skin contact pét-nat.

I don't know how familiar
you are with orange wines,

but that right there
is gonna pair perfectly

with the octopus I got us.

- I'll be real,
I didn't even know

they made wine in orange.

Did you say you ordered us
an entire octopus?

- Oh, it's a special
off-the-menu preparation.

Trust me.
You're gonna love it.

Have you ever had ponzu sauce?
- Wait a minute.

Why are you talking
like Frasier?

And why am I the one
that's underdressed?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- This all feels like

a big prank, and if it is,
I'll scream--

- Shhh.
Relax, dude.

Let's just enjoy our evening.

Come on.
Cheers.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Wow, we don't have
nights out like this.

- All right, look,
I gotta ask...

why are you--

why are you
the way that you are?

- Wow.

Uh--

Where would I begin?
Um...

I'm a military brat.

- Oh.
- You know.

And with that means
I would change schools

over and over again.

And with each new school,
it became harder and harder

for me to connect
with any of my peers.

Sure, I played sports
and joined clubs,

but I could never make
a true bond with anyone.

- I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.

- Uh, it's crazy the things you
do for a sense of belonging.

Like, this one time, I wore
cowboy boots to gym class.

I don't even--I don't even know
what I was thinking,

but I kicked a basketball
right up into the rafters

and it got stuck.
- Whoa.

- Everybody went apeshit.
They lost their minds.

People were f*cking
doing backflips.

It was amazing, but they all
remembered my name.

- Yeah.
- For the first time.

- Yeah, that must have been
so cathartic for you.

- Yeah, it was,
but ever since then,

I feel like I've just been
in constant pursuit

of what that spontaneity
afforded me.

- Like--like
Peter Pan syndrome?

- Exactly. Like, I know
there's no adult version of me

kicking a basketball
into the rafters, but--

- Sure.
- Those boots just feel

so deeply ingrained in me

that I don't think
I'll ever shake 'em.

- Do you still have the boots?
- No.

Those boots are lost
in the sands of time, man.

But I've grown.

Built a beautiful group
of people

who accept me for who I am,
boots or not.

- Wow.

Well, I always thought
boots were made for walking,

but I had no idea boots
were also made

for finding
your emotional truth.

- Gentlemen.
- Oh, the octopus is here. Yes.

- Please, blow on the handle.

Let your sweet breath
multiply my wealth.

- Whatever, dude.

If you into breath sh*t--

- Yes.
- Here we go.

- Ooh. Aye, Aye.

You do well.

Do you know how to play?
- Yeah, n*gga.

It's just pulling a stick.
- Yes.

You know how to pull,
but do you know to release?

Meet me in room 227.

- I'm really 'bout to suck
this African n*gga's d*ck.

I can't believe this sh*t.

Just in case.

- Hey, hey, Sam.
Hey, come here.

Come help me with something.

Yo, Sam,
what you think of these?

"Injustice."
Huh, huh?

"Reparations."
"Oppression."

You know, "'FernGully."
"Voter Suppression."

"Keystone Pipeline."
"Key Lime Pie Time."

Oh, can you write
"Trans-Atlantic sl*ve Trade"

on my back?
- Nah. I got stuff to do.

- What the hell you got to do?

- There's an African man
waiting for me,

and I either have to f*ck him
or k*ll him.

- Oh, perfect.
He's African.

He would love to write
"Trans-Atlantic sl*ve Trade"

on my back, but tell him
to write it small

and in English.

- I'll tell you, Pool Boy,

the phones have been
ringing off the hook

about this casino walkout.

Let's take another caller.

The tub is hot,
so who we got?

- Hey,
it's Jrue Holiday's brother,

and boy, am I tired of going
one for five in garbage time.

I'm just calling to express
my support for Chris.

I love everything you're
doing down there, my man.

And just know that when
you get it all sorted out,

we're gonna go to Lids
and shut it down.

Ooh, you made it, Chris.

You made it, dog.

♪ I'ma be in the mall,
inspiring n*gg*s ♪

♪ Inspiring b*tches
to be better b*tches ♪

♪ Oh, no,
you Lidn't ♪

♪ Oh, yes,
I Lids ♪

♪ Food courts ♪

♪ I'ma be f*cking b*tches
in the food court ♪

- We've created a society
where so much of who we are

is defined by
our cultural identities, man.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, every choice I make

has to be the choice
of a Black man.

- Yes. Yes, exactly.
- Trevor Noah.

- Maybe the greatest freedom
is being able to walk away

from all of it
and just exist.

- Yeah, but even
as we're saying it,

the freedom that we're talking
about still feels like

it's in spite of race
or in spite of racism.

- That's fair.
- It still feels like

we're playing the game,
you know?

Like the other day,
I was reading this article

about the expansion
of the universe.

It said that the universe
is infinitely expansive.

Even if you were to try
to approach the edge of it

at the speed of light,
it would expand away from you

faster than
you could even approach it.

- Whoa.
- Crazy.

Right?
- Mm-hmm.

- And sometimes,
when it comes to Black people,

I think freedom
is a finish line

that just keeps moving further
and further away.

- Yeah.

I mean,
I guess if that's true,

then we can only really finish
what's right in front of us.

Like this salmon.

Hey, and I hope it's free.

Oh! Come on!

- Oh, Langston,
you are a hoot.

- May I interest you two
in some dessert this evening?

- Oh. Oh.
- Mm.

- Come on. Should we be
a little naughty?

- I think so.
- Okay.

You tell him.
You tell him.

- Crème brûlée.
Two spoons.

- There it is.
My man.

- I'll be right back.

- Tuna got a little kick to it.

- Hey, we're pals, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah?

- I mean, yes. Yes.

We haven't always, um...

I guess felt close,
but that could be me.

It might be my fault.

I can be a little preachy
at times, I see that.

And I don't--
it doesn't matter.

Long story short,
yes, absolutely.

We are pals.

- Hey, what's pals backwards?

- Pals backwards.

S-L--

- S-L--pop!

- You know what happened
to m*therf*ckers

that go on strike?
They get struck.

And if you get struck,
you can get f*cked!

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Palace, hey.

- It's Pa-lah-chay.

- Mr. Pa-lah-chay, of course.
"Pa-lay-chay."

- We heard there's been some
kind of a walkout or dispute.

- Now, I can assure you that

it's getting taken care of
right now, Mr. Pa-lay-chay.

Now, we've called security.

And they didn't answer,
but when they do,

situation's
gonna get taken care of.

It's all ragu.

Now, can I interest you
in a wine

or an order
of our spicy, lil hot nuggets?

- We don't want your nuggets.

- No.
- Let's go.

- Here.

Please put on this gown.

- Look, I've been thinking.

I really need this job, and
I appreciate the bread and all,

but I can't go back
to giving handjobs.

And I don't want
to have to k*ll a man.

- Oh, oh.
Oh, no, no, no.

I did not ask you here
for sex or m*rder.

- Mm-hmm.
- Although it would be nice.

I simply want to play mancala
with a beautiful woman

on my last night in America.

- That's it?
- Yes.

It would be
my greatest honor

for you to put on this gown
and join me in a game.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Ooh, oh, oh, oh.

My goodness.

You are magnificent
like the golden sands of Lekki.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, come here.
Come here.

Come over here. Yes.
- This is crazy.

I haven't played mancala
since I was, like, seven.

sh*t.
Maybe I've never played.

Is this White Russian?
- No, no, no.

This is palm wine from Enugu.

- Tastes like White Russian.

- So tell me about this
girlfriend you say you have.

- Nina?

I mean, we've been going
through some problems,

and now, she wants me
to buy her a Solo.

- What is a Solo?

- One of these.

This car looks like
driving one sneaker.

- Yeah.

- Why make a car
for a single man?

- It is stupid.

- Sam, what is the real problem
between you two?

- Well, for starters,
I cheated on her.

- Yes. I am still waiting
to hear the problem.

- I just feel like I gotta
show up and make it up to her.

- You should come with me,

you know, be free
of all this stress.

If we were together,

I would cheat on you,
you would cheat on me.

Sometimes we can cheat
right next to each other.

We can live together
in a toxic paradise.

- That sounds so nice.
- Yes.

- But I can't.

- Come with me, please.

- No, dude.
I can't.

- But Sam.

You can.

- No, I have to go.

- But why?

- Because this is my home.

And I love my girlfriend.

And I'm gonna be on "Top Chef"
in the fall.

- Please, reconsider.

Gary smells.

And your friends--
your friends are poor.

- No, I mustn't.

♪ ♪

- Well, then I win
this round of mancala!

Very sexy.

We could have had
such a good life.

- Oh! Sex trafficking.

- What on Earth
is going on in here?

- What sick sh*t is this?

- This sick sh*t
is called resistance,

and I ain't going nowhere
till my demands are met.

- Unchain yourself from my desk
right now!

That's fine oak, young man.

- I will not, older man.

- Whatever this is,
it's all over the radio.

We just need this
to be over with, okay?

Tell us what it is
that you want.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Cold chills ♪

♪ Prison cells ♪

♪ Locked in ♪

♪ Bars of steel ♪

♪ Think you done
lost your senses ♪

- ♪ Oh, my Lord,
praise Him be ♪

- ♪ What can you do
when they ♪

- ♪ Set
your poor people free ♪

- ♪ Ooh, you better
collect your pieces ♪

- ♪ Be merciful
to our abusers ♪

- ♪ Freedom,
it waits out here ♪

- ♪ They don't know
what they do ♪

- ♪ You don't have
to go to prison ♪

- ♪ Oh, my Lord,
praise Him be ♪

- ♪ What will it accomplish,
you? ♪

- ♪ Set
your poor people free ♪

- ♪ There in the bars,
let's follow ♪

- ♪ Be merciful
to our abusers ♪

- ♪ Tell me
your days aren't done ♪

- ♪ They don't know
what they do ♪

- You're g*dd*mn right, Chris.

I hereby step down as CEO
of Diamondback Palace,

e--effective immediately.

- And what will you be doing,
Mrs. White b*tch?

- I feel like a fool.
- Mm.

- I'll be discussing
next steps.

- O0h, this sounds
like check time.

Okay, well,
how this one works is

you write the check to me,
and I'll give it to the people

because I know more n*gg*s
than y'all.

Let's just be real, okay?
That's how activism works.

You active,
I'm -visim.

Don't put that on the check,
though.

It's Chris P. Henson.

P, short for P'Shawn, but
it's short for P'Shawnathan.

And P'Shawnathan
is short for nothing.

That's the full name, okay?

- Why would you slap me?

- Because you didn't
play your part.

If you would've did
what you normally do,

I'd be occupied
with Sam or Chris

or figuring out
if vampire c*m is immortal,

but no,
you broke character.

You're the one who set off
this whole chain

of unfortunate events.
- No.

- If anything,
you slapped yourself, sweetie.

- No, that's not true.

- Also, I saw that
"pals/slap" game on YouTube.

I was like,
"I gotta give this a shot."

- This is at least true
about the universe, though?

- I don't know, n*gga.

I'm a psychopath.
I made it all up.

So what now?

What do you want from me?

- I want to split this check,

and I want you
to stop being a b*tch

about being a b*tch a*s n*gga.

Take it.
- Fine.

I just want this to stop.

What's half of 248?

I can't even concentrate
right now.

I'm just so upset.

I need a minute.

Man, I didn't even
order the octopus.

You ordered that
before I got here.

- Take all the time you need.

After all,
we are pals.

- Help!

Help!
Please, help!

Wait, so you're telling me

you get to go to the mall
for free

with theJustin Holiday?
- Yeah.

- Jrue Holiday's baby brother?
- That's the one.

- You are sharing
cinnamon pretzels with--

- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

He's gonna be
preparing the pretzels.

I'm gonna eat them 'cause
I am freshly poppin' superstar

Chris Henson,
Social Justice Warrior.

Ha-ha, n*gga!

Guess who got named new CEO?

- R.L. Stine.
- R.L. Stine.

No, m*therf*cker. Me.

What the f*ck
wrong with you, n*gga?

They needed
a person of color,

and I'm the only n*gga
that they knew.

all: What?
- You?

You g*dd*mn baboon!

- Oh, my.
- Come on, bro.

- Yo.
- Whoa.

You wild for that.
- You gotta cut that out.

For real.
- But they wild for that.

They lying. They know
they just met me, man.

This is some bullshit, dog.

All real revolutionaries get
lost in the shuffle of history,

like my brother,
uh, Martin.

Not Luther King.

Martin, uh--n*gga didn't
even have a last name,

they erase this n*gga so much.

And--and--and Tori.
There's some more n*gg*s.

I can't remember, bro.
This protest sh*t is hard.

- You had a good run.
- It was good while it lasted.

- We got a Black CEO now.

- So it looks like you really
did change things around here.

- Oh, no, no, no.
Ain't sh*t changed.

As a matter of fact, they gonna
go back to the way they was.

- What?
- I shouldn't have protested.

- I don't need
y'all bugging out

because Sam, look,
I saw what you tried to do,

trying to suck up off
that rich Nigerian man.

- I do what I can.

- Man, you got more b*tch
in you than I thought.

- Fair.

- A lot more heart too.
So you know what?

I'm gonna run you
a motherfuckin' promotion,

you know what I'm saying,
working my old job.

- Yo, that's fine.
- Dog.

- Dude, congratulations!
That's so dope!

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening.

No. No.
That--that's it.

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll myself!

- Oh, don--no. Oh.

Feel it.
Feel the pain.

I won't let you pull out
of this life just yet.

- I just got a promotion.

Be happy for me.
- Yeah.

- Watch yo hatin' a*s.
- You hatin', man.

Be happy for our n*gga, man.
She's getting money.

You getting money now.
You a money m*therf*cker.

Which,
you know what that means.

Come on,
money m*therf*cker.

Give the money to the people,
our people.

Oh, where am I going?

Up top. Mm.
- No!

- Mm-hmm. What? Mm.

- Oh!

- Are you throwing semen on me?

- No I'm not
throwing semen, girl.

I'm throwing justice.
- I don't want this!

- Justice!
- Chris.

♪ ♪