Lick my ba*ls!
You f*cking grubby,
fat-legged toad of an old l*sbian!
I'll show her who wears
the lederhosen around here.
I'll put my milk machine on those udders
and she'll have to lactate
until I've had my fill!
Got that?
That means
we do what now?
We'll get her a nice, juicy bone.
We'll solve the case.
We'll solve it so fast
Faster than you can say "p*ssy Porsche".
And then we can finally enjoy
our well-earned peace and quiet.
Lil' partner.
Want me to carry you
over the threshold, princess?
It makes him sick to his stomach,
but there's no getting around it.
And so Bruno descends
into the fairy den.
Mark's heart, on the other hand, beats
in his chest like a flamingo in heat.
This is his paradise.
He's dreamt of entering
a club like this a million times.
Six, seven, step to the front
Head up and
No, no, no, no!
What's wrong with you?
Just look at yourselves!
We want to shine at the funeral service.
We're doing this for Sugar Candy.
Go, go, go! Move over.
Look.
I want to see attitude.
Presence. Glamor.
Shady, you're 10 years younger than me.
Learn those damn moves
instead of shoveling down chips.
This isn't something my mom
or the Lord above gave me.
The plastic surgeon did.
Sorry.
Great show.
You sure seem to be upset
that one of your ladies was m*rder*d.
We're rehearsing
for Sugar Candy's funeral.
She would've liked it.
I'm surprised to see you here, though.
We're the police, after all.
Your friends and helpers.
Good one.
What do you want?
I'd like a nice bourbon
and a hot piece of a*s.
But for now,
I have some questions about our victim.
Any idea who might've been after him?
Enemies, debts, drugs?
Did you bicker much?
We're like one big family.
The girls loved Sugar.
And she was like a daughter to me.
Like a daughter.
You didn't allow her
to eat chips either?
So, where were you ladies last night?
We were all at Kitty, where else?
Of course we were here.
-We've got nothing to do with it.
-Take it easy.
We performed our show
and we were all here after.
Except for Sugar. She left earlier.
-Where did she go?
-Home, I think.
Or to her new lover.
She wouldn't tell us who he was.
She was extremely secretive about it.
I see, an ominous lover.
If any of you remember anything,
you know where to find me.
High-pressure system Sabrina
is upon us with 38 degrees Celsius.
Tomorrow, more hot air
is expected from the southwest.
The nights are tropical,
at 24 degrees Celsius.
Those f*cking sissies.
Let me tell you something, kid.
Tomorrow we'll be sitting in the sun,
grilling a beautiful tomahawk steak
and drinking a beer
to another case solved.
We don't even have a lead yet.
That's what you think.
I think there's something fishy
about those f*gs.
-Think it was one of the drag queens?
-Yep.
Something's up.
I feel it in my piss.
More coffee, gentlemen?
Shouldn't we investigate
more possibilities?
She mentioned that lover. Perhaps
Listen up, kid.
You can't trust those folks.
Least of all Queen d*ck.
I can smell when people try to con me.
It's high time I took a piss.
Another drink?
Would you like a drink?
No.
I mean, yes. Yes, I
I'll have a Cola Light.
I'm a police officer.
I can see that.
-A Cola Light for the police officer?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Dammit.
Thank you.
Wanna try?
Well?
It's good.
No, I meant your name.
Tell me.
Right
Mark. I'm Mark Solowski.
Mark Solowski.
I'm Mikky. Mikky Flinn.
Holy sh*t!
Mikky!
Mikky Flinn!
Man, that last match was nuts.
American football.
-Helping out Conny again?
-Sure. I'm happy to.
Uncle Rudi's hip is playing up again.
Mikky, you're a great kid.
I'll never forget last season. Last
match, you in defense, right cornerback.
Hallelujah! You sure took
those sons-of-b*tches for a ride.
-Look.
-What?
-No.
-My pleasure.
Son-of-a-b*tch. Mark?
Tickets for tonight's
championship match.
You, me, and this young devil.
-What?
-We'll have a blast.
-Mikky, are you coming? Table three.
-Coming.
See you later.
See you later, kid. See you.
And now we have a date.
Fyodor Petrov fled here
from Novosibirsk three years ago.
He was granted asylum, because as
a g*y man in Russia, he was persecuted.
He has no relatives here.
He turned 22 two days ago.
Basically still a child.
As I suspected, he died instantaneously
when his neck fractured.
It's a clean break.
He must have fallen head-on
on a hard edge.
An edge? What kind of edge?
That's hard to say.
A curbstone? A chair?
I suspect a stairway.
I also found something else.
Skin fragments.
Under his fingernails.
-From a struggle?
-Presumably.
Doesn't that mean
we may have the m*rder*r's DNA?
Perhaps it matches
someone in the database?
You're an eager beaver.
A good student.
But look at these abrasions.
Looks like someone pulled something
off his neck.
That makes you
the new equal opportunities officer.
Congratulations, Nancy.
Thanks, boss.
Comrade Klöpel. Solowski.
What's the latest?
Everything under control, ma'am.
We're on top of it.
I've got something called instinct,
if you know what I mean.
-Hey, Dan.
-Want a piece?
-My wife baked it.
-Celebrating something?
Yes, we finally know what it'll be.
If it's one of yours, I'm sure
it's a little fairytale princess.
-It's a boy.
-Congratulations.
Well, good job hitting the hole.
-What are you doing?
-The boss wants the posters gone.
The titty girl's staying.
I don't know, Bruno,
let's not make trouble.
The titty girl stays.
Did you find the dead f*g's phone yet?
No, it wasn't on him
and we didn't search his flat.
How lazy are you?
Why hasn't anyone checked
his panties yet?
We need that phone.
Who knows what dirty secrets
are hiding on it.
When would we have done that?
I've got my hands full.
Thank you.
Come, Mark.
We'll do it ourselves.
Yes, Chief.
-Thanks for the cake.
-Sure thing.
Sugar Candy lived here?
Sure looks cozy.
2-4.
2-6.
Looks like someone beat us to it.
What a mess.
Someone was looking for something here.
Whoever came here first
was very thorough.
sh*t.
Chief, if the m*rder*r was here,
then this is a crime scene.
Peter should come to secure evidence.
Shall I call him?
Do what you've got to do.
I'll meet you at the car.
I'm really sorry.
But we'll do our best
to find your m*rder*r.
Not bad.
They teach you that
at the academy nowadays?
There was no match in the database.
-Huh?
-With the DNA on the corpse.
So the m*rder*r is unknown.
-And the phone?
-Can't be traced.
Either it's off,
or someone destroyed it.
That necklace
Yes, she's wearing it on every photo.
The neck abrasions
They must be from the necklace.
That means that if we find the necklace,
we might find
the m*rder*r.
Who likes to steal shiny stuff?
Magpies?
f*ggots.
I was at that private birthday party
for Maurice yesterday
It was horrific. Really.
You were right not to go.
There wasn't any bubbly.
Oh God.
The pecker party is over!
The what?
-Who's got that f*cking necklace?
-Get out of here!
What the hell is this?
Stop acting like 12-year-old,
pony-obsessed girls.
Who recognizes this f*cking necklace?
-That's Sugar's necklace.
-Correct.
And I want to know who's hiding it
in their purse or their panties.
Mark.
Search the drawers.
Get up and line up in a row.
I swear
I'll have you all arrested!
One after the other!
I can play rough too!
What is going on in here?
Leave the girls alone right now.
Children, get out.
Out.
Right.
And now you're going
to explain yourself.
Do you even have a search warrant?
Let's both drop
the sanctimonious bullshit.
I want to know
where that f*cking necklace is.
Okay, darling. You're right.
Let's drop the bullshit.
I know you want to get rid of us.
Of course, it would be convenient
if one of us m*rder*d Sugar.
But I'll say this
for the very last time,
it wasn't one of us.
Then why don't you tell me
about yourself?
What about me?
Where were you after the show?
Don't be ridiculous.
I was at home.
Alone.
Damn.
No alibi.
You know what I think?
I think you're hiding something from me.
For people like you,
prison can be extremely unpleasant.
For people like me?
Unless, of course, you like getting
thoroughly plowed by some rednecks.
And your little servants here,
they won't be there to suck your d*ck.
Chief?
It's clean. There's no necklace here.
See you soon
Lady Lovelyn.
Steep stairway, don't you think?
Someone could have a nasty fall here.
Yes, possibly.
I think we found our suspect.
What do you think?
It looks like it, I guess.
What's gotten into you?
Don't worry.
Tomorrow we'll show that old d*ke who
wear the pants around here. You and me.
This is our stomping ground
and always will be.
But right now it's quitting time.
I don't know what your plans are,
but I've earned my date
with 11 muscular men fair and square.
Did they piss in your beer?
That's a f*cking foul!
Referee!
Idiot!
Ugly wiener faces!
That's what you are!
I don't believe it!
Foul!
You f*ck!
Ref, are your undies too tight?
Look, it's Mikky!
Mikky's coming on!
Mikky!
Mikky Flinn!
The flying eagle!
Mikky!
Mikky Flinn!
Now we're talking.
Mikky!
You little rascal!
Come on, come on, come on!
Jerk!
Now, now, now! Come on!
Go, go, go!
Touchdown!
-Touchdown!
-Touchdown!
Suckers!
Did you see that?
Yeah, he's my friend, this kid.
Well, boys?
Where's Mikky Flinn, that old eagle?
-I don't think we can go in here.
-Come on.
Mikky!
Mikky Flinn,
the man whose feet are on fire.
-You son-of-a-b*tch. Great match.
-Thanks.
Here, our little friend caught
your ball. Would you
Sure thing. Anything for you two.
-There. See?
-Thanks.
-Here you are.
-Thank you.
Alright. Keep it up!
Two hot dogs, please.
Go wait in the car.
I won't be long.
Alice!
-Enjoy.
-Keep the change.
Alice?
Yes?
I
I wanted to remind you of our date.
As compensation for the bite.
Right. I forgot. Sorry.
I really am.
I I'll be in touch.
How about tomorrow night?
I'm really very busy.
I was thinking Chateau Rouge.
For a glass of wine.
Kasper, not again.
Kasper, stop it.
Okay. Eight o'clock.
I can pick you up.
Not necessary.
I'll see you there.
I've still got it.
So, how are things with you?
With the ladies.
Good.
That's what I figured.
Gone skating yet?
What?
Have you danced the mambo?
No, no, we only just met.
Okay, listen carefully.
On your first date,
you need to act very confident.
Put on your best shirt, or even a suit.
Girls like that.
Then you pick some fancy bar.
You know, where folks drink fancy stuff
like Moscow Mule or Aperol Spritz.
Don't bother with that.
You order a can opener.
-A what?
-A can opener.
Or a panty inspector.
It's a sugary-sweet c*ck.
Your girl won't notice the alcohol.
She'll get randy like a baboon in heat.
Then you look her deep in the eyes.
Don't ever look away.
Because if you do,
she'll have won
and she'll walk all over you.
Always show her you're the man.
-Got that?
-Okay.
So?
Fancy bar.
Can opener.
And be the man.
And look her in the eyes.
What's her name?
Michaela.
"Michaela".
Sounds filthy.
You really like her, huh?
Yes, very much.
You'll be fine.
You think so, Chief?
I don't know, somehow
I think she's out of my league, sir.
No, no, no, stop that!
Nobody says that about my Mark.
You're a good boy.
You know, what's in here
That's the only thing that matters.
And don't call me "sir".
I'm not your grandpa.
We're partners.
All right, Chief.
Don't forget to put a rubber
over your shmock.
The clap is no joke.
It feels like you bathed
your salami in hot sauce.
Hello? Hey!
Mikky?
Yes it's Mark.
Mark Solowski, I
Well I wanted to ask you if
Tomo
Yes, tomorrow is fine
Yes, I look forward to it too.
See Yeah. See you tomorrow.
Yes. Bye.
I've got a date.
You're a cowboy. You're a man.
You'll get that birdie to sing.
You'll chew up that bone
for your little poodle.
You're a man.
Baby?
My baby?
Please.
That feels so good.
"How long had she waited for this?
She'd counted down the hours
in her room.
Now, finally, she was lying there,
ready to receive him.
The Scottish Lord Ramie McGlensmith
pressed his strong loins against
those of Lady Kathleen McDougal.
His magnificent sword rammed into her
pleasure cave in the silvery moonlight.
When they reached their cl*max together,
they screamed into the dark,
Scottish night,
and loved each other anew.
THE SCOTTISH LORD'S PLAYMATE
Kathleen rode her white horse Cinder
through the cool,
pitch-black Highlands landscape.
Since that night with Lord McGlensmith,
she thought of him constantly.
His long, curly blond hair,
his full, moist lips, his chest,
his bestial scent
Finally, she arrived at his keep.
She was afraid.
What if it was a joke?
What if he mocked her
and sent her away?
She was about to turn Cinder around.
Had she been a fool?
-Just then
-Mark.
she heard his soft voice.
A soft, vibrant baritone
that made her body tremble."
I saw you.
With my heart.
What?
What's your shoe size?
Seven. And a half.
Sorry, I thought
I can still go change.
Nonsense, you look cute.
Is that for me?
Shall we?
-Here you are. Enjoy.
-Thank you.
Evenin', miss.
A double whiskey and a can opener
when my lady arrives.
You know what I mean?
We don't have a can opener.
How about a panty inspector?
A sweet drink, a sugary-sweet c*ck
which will make her panty
flutter off to Shanghai.
Sure thing.
Alice
May I, ma'am?
Thank you.
Hey, I can hold you.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Ready?
Let's go then.
Fun, isn't it?
Yes, it's fun.
But don't let go of me.
Don't worry, I won't let go.
Hold on.
Nice cowboy hat.
It's a real Texan hat.
Cost me a pretty penny.
Right.
Here's the bourbon, for the gentleman.
And the panty inspector, for the lady.
I don't drink sweet stuff.
I'll have the bourbon.
So, you're a policeman?
Yes, for over 30 years now.
And why did you become a policeman?
A policeman used to visit
my dad's bar every night.
A real man, a real hulk.
Everyone respected him.
He watched over our neighborhood.
I was very impressed as a little kid,
so I wanted
to grow up to be just like him.
Kasper, my son
-The little biter?
-Yes.
He wants to become a policeman
when he grows up too.
I can take him for a ride.
You'd do that?
He would flip.
Sure thing.
He can learn how to become a real man.
How to impress the ladies.
And how to let these do the talking.
He's eight.
My father taught me
how to be a man from early on.
That means, don't cry,
boys fight,
and always keep an eye on the chicks.
Know what my street name is?
Boom Boom Bruno.
What do you say,
after we finish our drinks,
we go for a spin in my ride?
Listen to some jazz.
Just the two of us,
my lady and me.
Let me tell you something,
Boom Boom Bruno,
just to make myself absolutely clear.
You and me, that'll never happen.
I have no patience for your stupid talk.
I'm only here for Kasper,
who is waiting for me at home.
That's cleared up then.
Thanks for the drink.
Have a nice evening.
But
Anything else?
Bourbon, a whole bottle.
Wow! You're really good.
Thank you.
What's it like patrolling all day?
With a g*n and in uniform, I mean.
Cool?
You're so sweet.
You should be proud.
It's really sexy.
Really?
It's crazy, I I hardly know you,
but I really like you.
Yeah, I
I like you too.
I told you I wouldn't let you fall.
Yeah.
Look at those fairies!
Can't they get a room?
I can't do this.
They're idiots. Ignore them.
No, sorry, I can't do it.
I'm such a f*cking coward.
Hello, handsome.
My handsome Bruno Bear.
Eccolo di nuovo.
And he's back.
Nope, little Alfredo just didn't
feel like getting up today.
He works perfectly well.
Maybe you just had cold hands.
Fiddlesticks.
Let me tell you
why he didn't want to say hi.
Because you're in love, stupido!
Love is for idiots.
Do I look like a little girl
scribbling hearts in her diary?
I don't want to hear it.
Avanti, the next customer's coming.
Ciao, bello.
Oh, and Bruno
-You should stop ignoring it.
-What?
Go to a doctor and let Alfredo heal up.
Ma'am.
What would a fat Italian wh*re know
about how we're doing?
-Mornin'.
-Morning, Chief.
So?
-Did you
-go skating?
Yes, we did.
You little stallion.
I'm proud of you.
You learned from the best.
From the women whisperer.
You owe me, kid.
And you?
You know me.
I gave that randy cat a good stroking
and set off the confetti cannon.
Today's my birthday.
Congratulations.
Did you ask us in here to serenade you?
Won't be needed.
I just got my birthday present.
Nancy?
This is David Williams.
I prefer
Lady Lovelyn.
Mr. Williams filed a complaint
against you, Klöpel.
Coercion, racism, sexism,
and unlawful entry to Kitty.
That went faster than I expected.
-Cunning f*g.
-Excuse me?
Ma'am, I'm convinced
something's fishy in that joint.
The m*rder*r comes from the club.
I suspect that this one
has skeletons in the closet.
-Do you have solid evidence?
-Not yet.
I see.
You know what that means?
I warned you.
One little misstep
and you're out, Klöpel.
Excuse me, ma'am.
It's not true.
My colleague Klöpel
did his job by the book.
He conducted a witness interview
and was neither sexist nor r*cist.
That's a lie!
Then David Williams
started insulting him and
he spat at him.
Did you spit at the officer?
Yes.
I did.
But only after he insulted me.
Klöpel, do you wish to file a complaint
against Mr. Williams?
It's not necessary.
You're a true partner, kid.
That black peacock did it.
I bet my ba*ls on it.
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