03x02 - Bobageddon

[bunniefuu]

Shlub: First full day as king.

Now, what's on the docket,
some fun king stuff?

Scott: You've got a meeting
with Simon the Architect

about infrastructure.

Shlub: Well, tell him to do
a bunch more infrastructure.

Wait. Less. That
should keep him busy.

Mm. Ugh.

Whoever made these
sandwiches should be k*lled.

Scott: k*ll the sandwich guy!

Shlub: Wait! Wait!

Don't actually k*ll
the sandwich guy.

Scott: But everything
you say is an order now.

Shlub: You're kidding me.

So if I say,

"That vegetable guy looks like
he could use a good spanking,"

you would take that seriously?

Scott: Yes. You're the king.

Shlub: Scott, you're going
to have to develop a sense

of when I mean something
and when I don't.

Use common sense.

Just don't act upon
the obviously funny

or whimsical things I say.

Scott: But is that one of the
orders I'm supposed to ignore?

Shlub: Of course not!

Don't ignore the order
to use common sense.

That is a legitimate order.

Just whenever I say something,

immediately decide
whether I'm joking or not.

Scott: Could you
just not joke around?

Shlub: Absolutely not, but...
and this is the tricky part...

sometimes as part of
the joke, I might say

I really mean something
but not really mean it,

like, "I could eat a
horse, and I mean it."

Scott: OK, so
sometimes you will say

you really mean
something, but you don't.

Shlub: Exactly,

but this, of course, is
not one of those times,

and I do mean that,
and I mean this.

Scott: OK, g*ng.

I've got our orders,
but listen closely

cuz this is a real mind-bender.

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Tyrannis: I'll admit, at first,
I was sad I'm not king anymore,

but that's all behind me.

I've moved out of the palace

and embraced the simple
life of a free man.

Hippocampus: That's the kind of
thing sad, divorced guys say.

Tyrannis: Well, I am
divorced in a way...

divorced from responsibility,

and like many a
divorcé before me...

Stupendous: Oh, no. Are
you living on a boat?

Tyrannis: I'm living on a
boat. Welcome to Ty's Folly.

I put the name right
here on the back.

Hippocampus: It's
just a picture of you

and a picture of a boat.

Tyrannis: How would
you spell "folly"?

So be honest. What do you think?

Stupendous: It's... nice.

Hippocampus: Yeah. Cozy.

Tyrannis: OK. Stop.

It's insulting that
you feel the need

to tiptoe around my feelings.

Hippocampus: Thank god.

Politeness was never
gonna work for me.

Tyrannis: Which is
fine. I'm New Ty now.

I have shed my unhealthy need
to win approval or feel special,

so insult my boat if you want.

I know it's a dump.

Stupendous: So, Dad,
now that you're king,

we gonna have some fun together,
maybe do some invading?

Shlub: What do you mean?

Stupendous: You and me,

Shlub and Stupe,

conquering territory,
kicking a*s.

Could be fun, right? Ty
never let me do that.

Tyrannis: Dad, king to king,

I would advise you not to
let her do any conquering.

She goes too hard.

She'll get herself hurt,
and you need her on defense.

Stupendous: Ah, don't
listen to him. He's no fun.

Tyrannis: And, Stupe,
may I remind you,

this is Dad we're
talking about...

not someone you'd want
to follow into battle.

Dad, are you going
to do that all day?

Shlub: Just so we're clear,

you're the weirdos for watching,

and, Stupendous, to
answer your question,

no pointless conquering.

Stupendous: Damn.

Shlub: You seem
to have forgotten,

I'm the fun-loving king.

I have no intention of invading
anything non-consensually,

including other kingdoms.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

as my first kingly act,
I'm going on a boba run.

Stupendous: What is boba?

Shlub: The sweetest, juiciest,
chewiest drink I've ever had.

They only make it in
the Kingdom of Boba,

and I'm obsessed with it.

It's been on my mind
ever since someone here

said the word "boba."

Stupendous: That was
you. You said that word.

Shlub: Well, then it's been on
my mind since I said "boba."

I am allowed to put
thoughts in my own head.

[Waves lapping]

Broseidon: Whooooo!

Hell yeah! Never gets old!

Tyrannis: Broseidon, did
you just pop out of a whale?

Broseidon: It's called
"sh**ting the hole,"

and Broseidon invented it.

Heard you got a
houseboat, by the way.

Tyrannis: You like houseboats?

Broseidon: Psshhh. Like 'em?
I am the god of houseboats.

Where my boat heads at?

Man: Yeah! Heck yeah, man!

Woman: Yeah!

Broseidon: Changes in
latitude, changes in attitude.

You feel me?

Anyway, since I am
the god of houseboats,

gonna need a monthly offering.

Tyrannis: Offering?
What a racket.

Broseidon: Whoa!

Broseidon does not
appreciate that vibe!

Tyrannis: Well, it
needs to be said.

Broseidon: All right.

Well, you don't wanna pay,
you don't have to pay.

Tyrannis: Really?

Broseidon: Sure.

Oh, hey, I've been
meaning to ask you,

you know that you're
a demigod, right?

Tyrannis: Well, yes, in that
I'm the son of a goddess.

Broseidon: So what's
your demigod power?

Tyrannis: Excuse me?

Broseidon: Every demigod
gets a special power.

What, you didn't get one
at your demigod ceremony?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony?

Broseidon: Uh, yeah,

the ritual where gods bestow
special powers on demigods.

Wait, wait, wait. Did
your mom not get you one?

Tyrannis: No, my mother
did not get me one.

Broseidon: If you
haven't had the ceremony,

you're not a full demigod.

Tyrannis: When were
you going to tell me

about my demigod ceremony?

Deliria: Your what?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony,

where demigods are awarded
their special power.

Deliria: Who told you that?

Tyrannis: Broseidon,
and then he went back

into a whale's blowhole,
and it was sick!

Deliria: Why are you
suddenly concerned

with having a special power?

I thought you were
happy not being special.

Tyrannis: I am perfectly
happy not being special.

Hippocampus: Sounds like
you want to be special.

Tyrannis: I don't,
but if I'm destined

to have a special power, I
should damn well have it.

I demand you take
me to Mount Olympus

and get me my demigod ceremony!

Deliria: Oh, you demand it.

Well, I suppose
I have no choice.

Tyrannis: You don't.

Hippo, you're coming with me

to make sure she
doesn't change her mind.

Super cool demigod exit!

Ooh! Oh!

You need to wax those floors.

Shlub: ♪ I'm flying to my boba ♪

♪ To get my boba treat ♪

♪ I really love my boba ♪

♪ No need to be discreet ♪

♪ It's juicy, and it's chewy ♪

♪ Two different foods in one ♪

♪ The juice runs
down my throat ♪

♪ While the ba*ls
dance on my tongue! ♪

I'll have one...

Sludge Monster:
No bobas for you!

Shlub: Oh, hello, Frankensludge.

Sludge Monster: Shlub. How
opposite of nice to see you.

You never thanked me
for your wedding gift!

Shlub: Oh, I didn't thank
anyone for wedding gifts.

I'm not a thankful person.
That's arguably my entire brand.

Sludge Monster: Monster
code number one...

"Monster get gift,
monster give thanks."

Shlub: I'm supposed to
thank you because of a rule?

That makes it
completely pointless.

Sludge Monster: You
always do this, Shlub.

You only care about yourself,
and no one calls you on it.

Well, it's payback time.

By my orders, no one
in this entire kingdom

will serve you a boba.

Shlub: What?

Sludge Monster: That's
right, I'm the king here,

and I became king
for one purpose...

to make sure you never taste
the sweet, chewy refreshment

of a boba for as
long as you live.

Shlub: You went to all that
trouble of becoming king

just to punish me?

Sludge Monster: Yeah.

Monster code number
six clearly states,

"Monster allowed to go
too far if monster want."

Shlub: Just give me that!

Sludge Monster: If
you want that boba,

you gotta go through
my whole army.

You'd have to conquer
this whole continent

to taste and chew one of these.

[Slurping]

[Slurping continues]

[Slurping continues]

Shlub: Stop that! Stop
slurping victoriously!

Stupendous, I've
changed my mind.

Get your army together.
We're invading Boba.

Stupendous: You decided you
wanted to spend time with me?

Shlub: Yes. I decided I
want to spend time with you,

and that's why
we're going to w*r.

Both: Invasion buddies!

Shlub: Look at this!
What an invasion force!

Stupendous: Right? You
wanna go rally the troops?

Shlub: Sure. Uh, how
does one do that?

Stupendous: It's
pretty standard.

You ride back and
forth in front of them

like your horse is raring to go,

and you just say
"freedom" a lot.

Shlub: Piece of cake.

My loyal subjects,

soon we will meet our enemies
on the field of battle,

but I prefer to call
it a field of freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: The fighting
will be brutal,

and many of you will
die... for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Freedom is what gives
us the freedom to be free,

and I don't know about you, but
I would rather die right now

than live another
day not freedoming!

[Cheering]

Stupendous: That was so moving.

Broseidon: All
right. Listen, Ty-bo.

You got a lot to learn
before the ceremony.

It is gonna be intense
training, starting tomorrow.

Tyrannis: What sort of training?

Broseidon: Lotta physical
stuff, some feats of strength,

and you gotta recite a whole
thing in the ancient tongue.

Tyrannis: The ancient tongue?

My mother never even told me
there was an ancient tongue.

Broseidon: Oh, yeah. It is
a super powerful language.

It's based on inflections.

Like... like, there's
this one word "ee-EE-ee"

which means horse,

but if you say it
like "EE-ee-EE,"

it could also mean eyebrows,

or if you say it
a different way,

it just blows up the Earth.

Tyrannis: So cool.

Broseidon: We'll be
working on all that stuff,

and you get to stay here while
Ty completes his training.

Deliria, you recognize
your old bedroom, right?

All right. Well, iyaaaaaaaam.

That means hello, good-bye,
and it dries up rivers.

Hippocampus: Mom, you
used to live here?

Deliria: Yes. This
was my apartment.

I do miss the amenities.

Hippocampus: Is
your bed a cloud?

Deliria: Best night of
sleep you'll ever have.

Hippocampus: Well, crap.

A fish could get
used to this place.

[Chime]

What just happened?

Deliria: Oh, that
chair transforms

into whatever kind of
chair best fits the moment.

Tyrannis: I want to do it!

[Chime]

I'm a toddler? Is
that the message here?

Hippocampus: What the
heck does this do?

Deliria: It dispenses
ambrosia, the food of the gods.

Hippocampus: Oh, my god, Ty.

Deliria: Yes. It causes
a feeling similar to sex,

but magnified by a thousand.

Tyrannis: [Shudders]

Hippocampus: I'm
never leaving here.

I'm dying here.

Mom, you had all this,
and then you lost it?

I'm seeing you in
a whole new light.

You're a tragic figure!

Deliria: Oh, shut up.

Tyrannis: You know,
demigods do sometimes

get elevated to full gods.

Maybe one day, I'll
be an Olympian,

and you could come visit.

Deliria: Oh, could I?
How magnanimous of you.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry if the
thought of us being equals

drives you crazy.

Deliria: What drives
me crazy is that

you would want to hang
out with these people

after all that I've
told you about them.

Tyrannis, "These people"
seem pretty decent to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and learn
an ancient language.

Iyaaaaaaam.

Stupendous: Uhh... huh!

Ugh! Hwah! Hah!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapoplian army
wins huge battle!

Takes Plopopolis!

Krapopolis defeats
Blibbity City!

Cackletown! Littleopolis!

"Some city names totally
made up," study says.

Father, daughter really
bond on k*lling spree!

Stupendous: Haagh... ooh!

Uh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, Dad, Dad! Look! Dad!

Watch the light in
this guy's eyes go out!

Shlub: I saw it,
yes! Sweetheart! Yes!

Look at you! That's my girl!

Newsie: Uh-oh, Shlub and Stupe

find it's harder
than they thought.

Krapoplian army paying real
price for this dumb idea!

"Battle not so fun anymore,"
says source close to king!

Medic: OK. Um, you're
gonna feel a little sting

because I'm placing your arm
in this log full of fire ants.

Stupendous: Aah! Uh!
And this heals it?

Medic: Well, that's
what we're finding out.

Shlub: Scott, I need
your advice on something,

and I need you to
tell me the truth,

and before you ask, this is one
of those things I really mean,

and so is what I'm saying right
now about really meaning it.

Scott: OK.

Shlub: Was it irresponsible
of me to drag this army

into a protracted land
w*r just for a drink?

Scott: It was maybe a little...

Shlub: Keep in mind that if
you say it's irresponsible,

that means you're
siding with Ty.

Scott: It was a
little irresponsible.

Shlub: So I should come
clean about the boba thing?

Scott: I think you gotta.

Shlub: Damn you. k*ll
yourself. No. Don't.

That was a joke, and me
saying that is not a joke,

and neither is this.

Stupendous, I think we have
to call off the invasion.

Stupendous: What?
Scott: Great idea.

Shlub: Can I confess something?

I only started this
invasion to get a boba.

Stupendous: Can I
confess something?

I don't care.

I'm having the time
of my life out here.

Shlub: Really?

Stupendous: Yeah. I mean,
you never come to my fights,

and now look at us.

I don't even care that
we're in a quagmire

as long as we're together,
unless you think that's dumb.

Shlub: No, it's not dumb. It's
the noblest reason of all.

Do you know the ancient
song "Cat's in the Cradle"?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: I don't either,
but I can only assume

it's about a cat who
jumps into a cradle

and steals a man's baby

before he even gets
a chance to know her

and the cat raises
the baby as her own

and when the baby girl grows
up, she doesn't even recognize

her own dad because she
thinks she's a cat now

and when he goes to hug her,

she instinctively
tears his face off.

Stupendous: That would
be my guess, too.

Shlub: It's a cautionary tale,

and I'm not gonna let
that happen to us.

Stupendous: You mean it?

Shlub: Of course I mean it.

This w*r is completely worth
doing because you deserve it.

Scott: Couldn't you have
father-daughter time

some other way?

I mean, people are really
getting hurt out there.

[Stupendous and Shlub laugh]

Stupendous: What is
he talking about?

Aphrodite: Anidi.

Tyrannis: Anidi...

Broseidon: Iyaaaaam.

Tyrannis: Iyaaaaam...

Broseidon: Oh, there you go,
bro. Now you're getting it.

Apollo: Ha ha!

Oh, Broseidon, don't forget to
teach him the choreography, too.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah. I wanna
see full choreo with this thing.

Hippocampus: Mom, this
doesn't seem right.

Did they just bring him
here to humiliate him?

Deliria: Absolutely. They
don't give away god powers.

He's here for their
entertainment.

Hippocampus: That's
cruel. You gotta tell him.

Deliria: Absolutely not.

He needs to learn this
lesson for himself.

Hippocampus: If you're not
gonna tell him, I will.

Deliria: You will
do no such thing.

Hippocampus: Yes, I will...

Hippocampus: right
after this passes.

[Lute music playing]

Singer: ♪ The cat's
in the cradle ♪

♪ He's stealing the girl ♪

♪ Raising her up like
a cat in the world ♪

♪ She never knew Daddy ♪

♪ But she knows him now ♪

♪ And she's going to
tear his face off ♪

Stupendous: Victory!

Singer: ♪ She's gonna tear
his whole damn face! ♪

Shlub: Hmm!

Victory!

I drink your boba.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: Dad! Look out!

Ohhhhh...

Uh!

Shlub: Stu... pen... dous!

Did you always have
that arrow there?

Sludge Monster:
Well, well, well.

Looks like your daughter's
not gonna make it.

Shlub: Shut up,
you smelly balloon.

Stupendous: Yeah, shut up!

Sludge Monster: You wanna
know what brought your father

all this way?

It was for a drink.

Stupendous: I already know
that. I'm fine with it.

I had fun. We bonded.

Sludge Monster: Is everyone
catching the tragedy here?

Guy who never thinks
of anyone else

gives up his own
daughter for a drink,

a daughter so blinded
by this sociopath

she dies for him.

Stupendous: I did what I
did, and I'd do it again.

Shlub: Stupendous, that's
lovely of you to say,

but I can't let
it end like this.

Wait! I've heard monster
blood can save cyclopses.

Mm-nngh!

[Stupendous sucking]

Shlub: Scott, why
are you looking away?

Scott: I don't know.
It seems weird.

Shlub: There's nothing
weird about it.

Is anything happening?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: Right, so the monster
blood thing was a myth.

Sludge Monster: Our
doctors could save her.

Shlub: They could?

Ours haven't progressed
past fire ants.

Medic: Wow. Say it
to my face, dude.

Sludge Monster: We're an
advanced civilization.

We made a smoothie chewable!

We could save her
life right now.

All you have to do
is say, "Thank you."

Shlub: Well, that's
easy. Thank...

Stupendous: Wait! Dad, don't!

Shlub: What?

Stupendous: This guy's
an absolute turd!

You know what?

People like you are the
reason people love my dad.

He lives for the moment,
and he doesn't like rules.

That's why everyone wants
to hang out with him,

and that's why I wanted to
invade your country with him.

Dad, never apologize
for being you.

Just let me die.

Don't give this guy
the satisfaction.

Huh! No! That's dumb!
Say, "Thank you"!

Shlub: Thank you! Thank you!
For the love of god, thank you!

♪

Tyrannis: Iyaaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Stifled laughter]

Tyrannis: Iyaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Laughter]

Broseidon: Uh, keep going.
Keep going. They're excited.

Aphrodite: Bigger choreo!

Tyrannis: Iyaam an idiot loser.

Oh. This is a setup, isn't it?

Broseidon: What? Nah, bro.
It's just a little hazing.

Tyrannis: So I am
getting my special power?

Broseidon: Absolutely!

But first, you gotta
drink from this chalice!

Gods: Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice! Chalice!

Hippocampus: We gotta
get him outta here...

[Gulp]

At... at some point.

Tyrannis: I know this is a
joke. There's no super power.

Broseidon: You don't know
that! Drink it! Drink the wine!

Tyrannis: This is dumb. I'm
really being played here.

Maybe not, though?

[Slurp]

OK. That's spit.

Broseidon: Who's to say god
spit isn't the magic ingredient?

Tyrannis: Is it?

Broseidon: Well, you tell me,

because I now grant you
the demigod power of...

flight!

Go ahead. Try it out.

Tyrannis: Yah! Oh!

Broseidon: I present
to you Tyrannis...

an idiot loser who thought he
didn't have to pay me a tribute.

[Booing]

Deliria: Ty, it's me.

Tyrannis: Mom, you
knew this was a setup,

and you still let it happen?

Deliria: I thought
about warning you,

but you were being such a pain,

I decided to let you learn
the lesson for yourself.

Tyrannis: What lesson?

Deliria: Never trust gods.

Tyrannis: I just wanted
a special power so badly.

I admit it, I want
to feel special.

Deliria: I'm going to give you
your special power right now.

Stand up and look at them
calmly like you don't care.

Broseidon: Hey, wait.
I just humiliated you.

Look more hurt!

Aphrodite: Come on! You lost!

Apollo: What the hell is
this? What are you doing?

Aphrodite: It's like he
doesn't care about us.

Broseidon: Stop not
caring! You're ruining it!

Deliria: Feels good, doesn't it?

Tyrannis: Would feel a little
better if I had an actual power.

Deliria: All right, but I'm
only going to do this once.

Point at something.

Apollo: What?

Deliria: Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Hippocampus: Yah!

Sludge Monster: I'm glad you
finally learned your lesson.

Shlub: You're a
strange, sad man,

but to thank you for
saving my daughter's life,

I give you all your land back.

Sludge Monster: I'm afraid
it's not that simple.

Shlub: Why not?

Sludge Monster:
Because you beat me.

Monster code number
four clearly states,

"Monster beat monster,
monster stay win."

Shlub: So I literally cannot
give you your land back?

Sludge Monster:
The code says no.

Shlub: What if you win it back?

Sludge Monster: That I'll allow.

Stupendous: Dad, I'm not
so sure we're gonna be able

to convince my army
to lose on purpose.

Shlub: Shouldn't be that hard.
It's the same basic formula.

We gather on this field

to lose every bit of
ground we just won.

Man: Uh... Different
man: Wait. Lose?

Shlub: But I'm not asking
you to lose for me.

I'm asking you to
lose for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Our enemies
don't want us to lose.

They think we can't lose.

[Booing]

Shlub: But I believe
in you, and I know

that when we freedom together,

we freedom for the
freedom of freedom!

[Cheering]

Man: Let's do it!
Freedom, love you!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapopolis army
getting a*s kicked.

Krapopolis conquers
Boba, then loses it!

Stupendous almost
dies in battle!

Has to get saved
by enemy doctor.

Father-daughter outing
kills thousands for nothing.

Stupendous: Aw, crap, Dad.

How do we keep Ty from
finding out about this?

It's on all the vases!

Shlub: Oh, he can't find out.
He'll lord it over us forever.

Stupendous: We need
something to knock this story

off the vases
before he gets back.

It's gotta be a huge news story.

Shlub: Scott, I have
an order for you,

and it's going to sound
a lot like a joke,

but I swear to you, it's not.

Newsie: Extra, extra!
Read all about it!

King's assistant
dresses up as gorilla

and starts throwing his
feces everywhere, shouting,

"I am gorilla boy!
Gorilla boy need wife!"

And then insists on getting
married to another gorilla!

Tyrannis: Sounds like
I've missed some news.

Shlub: It was a crazy week.

Tyrannis: It's harder to run a
city than you think, isn't it?

Shlub: So true. And what
have you been up to?

Tyrannis: I had my
demigod ceremony.

Shlub: I'm sorry I missed it.

Tyrannis: Yes. You
would have loved it.

Oh, hey, Scott. Congratulations.

Scott: Hey.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: I don't know. The
bubble things are annoying.

Shlub: The bubble things
are the whole point!

Stupendous: Can I get
one without bubbles?

Shlub: That's just a smoothie.

Stupendous: I love smoothies.

Shlub: So does everyone, but
this takes them up a notch.

Stupendous: I think it takes
them down, several notches.

[Slurp]

I just keep worrying it's
gonna get caught in my throat.

Shlub: What a stupid thing to...

Haagh!

[Coughs]

Haagh! Hwagh!

[Gagging]

Stupendous: Hup! Hup! Hup!

Shlub: Ohh... uhh...

Stupendous: I call that
the Stupe Maneuver.

At half-strength,
it saves lives!

Dan Harmon: Did you
get any of that?

Voice: Bento.