04x02 - Chapter Thirty

[bunniefuu]

[patriotic music playing]

Oh! Hi there. [chuckles

Jamal Turner here,
or "Toxic Turner" to my detractors.

But sometimes,

you have to be toxic
to rid our campus of poison.

That's what leaders do.

Has this leader ever said,
"b*tches be bonkers"? [chuckles]

Hell yeah, 'cause we can all be b*tches.

[camera clicking]

Even I have been a b*tch at times.

And I am bonkers
about improving our school!

[ethereal tinkling]

[in Spanish] It is possible.

Because at the end of the day,

a strong Freeridge High is a united one.

Let me get that for you,
Principal Richardson.

[music stops]

[crow cawing]

[patriotic music resumes] So please,
today, don't forget to vote.

Because you know who doesn't vote?

b*tches.

b*tches.

[popping]

See? It's not so bad.
We beat him into submission.

No.

We're slinging mud,
and he's using it to make a mud mask.

His skin is glowing.

What? I don't see no shine.

He's taking the high road,
which is exactly what I wanted to do,

but instead,
I'm the troll under the bridge.

A bully. An as*h*le. Thanks to you.

Me?

I told you not to release
the Toxic Turner spot.

As your campaign manager,
I have to make the hard calls.

- That is what you hired me for.
- I didn't hire you!

I also did that for you.

And... this.

- What is it?
- Our nuclear option for the debate.

No.

I'm sticking to the issues.

- And swag.
- No. Tsk. [sighs]

No swag. I thought about it.
It just makes you look desperate.

That's bullshit.

People open bank accounts
for free T-shirts.

[gasps] Speaking of which...

Hey.

What have we learned?

You're not a puppet.

Good.

[bike bell ringing]

- Hey.
- Oh sh*t, man.

You got orange slices in that mom-mobile?

sh*t. Thought I was getting rolled up on
by some kids.

[Oscar chuckles]

Look, man.
I shouldn't be here, so let's go. Talk.

Look.

I get that you're salty.

Out of sight, out of mind.
You're not even a thing.

This was a bad idea.

They found her.

[tense music playing]

[Sad Eyez] Cuchillos?

They don't know who she is yet,

but when they do,
you know what's gonna happen.

I need you to look out for my brother.

Why? He's been handling his own.

Really? By not telling you?

- [scoffs] He knows.
- He never said sh*t to me.

'Cause he doesn't understand
the way things work.

He has no idea what's coming.
The sh*t that's about to pop off.

And he's not the only one it can land on.

[scoffs]

I got you, man.

[Principal Richardson] Well,
this is a very unusual situation.

We'll use this debate
as a teaching moment,

so thank you to our
AP Government teachers.

All right?

Just me? Okay.

No one's here. I can't believe no one
cares about the future of our school.

They do. They just also really wanna watch
Hal Olofsson do magic in the gym.

This is a waste of time.

You don't know that.
These could be pivotal swing voters.

Please welcome candidate Ruben Martinez.

- [Principal Richardson clapping]
- Just in case.

Whoo-whoo! Ruby!
Ruby! Ruby! Ruby! Ruby! Ruby! Ruby! Ru...

Now, please welcome
candidate Jamal Turner.

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Jamal for President ♪

♪ Jamal for President ♪

♪ Jamal for President ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

[students cheering]

♪ Jamal for President ♪

♪ Jamal for President ♪

Fellow Quakes, Jamal's got you.

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

[cheering continues]

♪ Jamal for President ♪

♪ Jamal for President ♪

[chuckles] All right. Settle down.

Candidates, what is the biggest issue
facing students today?

[students murmuring]

School safety.

We need more security guards
and crosswalks.

'Cause people can't see you
over their dashboards?

[Jaxon laughing] 'Cause you're little!

- [students laughing]
- And we need a dress code.

So no one is targeted
for wearing the wrong colors.

Dress code? Coming from the guy
whose girlfriend dresses him.

Whipped!

For the record, people,
he picked out his shirt today.

I wanted to go with the green
to highlight his eyes.

And we need new textbooks

to reflect the true history
of our country.

Books.

More homework. Hmm?

Some of us have other things
and people to do.

- [Jaxon] Sex!
- [students laughing]

- Come on, man. Play fair.
- Fine!

[Jamal] Let's talk about performance.

Yes, please.

Or lack thereof.

Freeridge needs someone
who can stand up for them,

someone who can come through in a clutch,

someone who won't go soft
in the heat of the moment.

How's he gonna satisfy y'all

when he had to bring in another girl
to satisfy his own girlfriend?

[students booing]

Who has a threesome and can't get some?

[students booing, laughing]

I'm done.

I concede.

Wait, seriously?
You're not even gonna wait for the vote?

No. You got this in the bag.

You took my votes and my dignity.

Congrats.

What happened to you?

We could've used this.

[ethereal music playing]

There's still time to undo this.

We can look into election rigging.
Or... or... Russian bots.

No, it's done.

And I bet those gift certificates
are a campaign violation.

[phone chimes]

[Ruby sighs]

- [sighs]
- What is it?

It's my tía Lupe. She's gotta leave early.

I gotta watch my dad...

- Oh, then you should go home.
- And leave you at your lowest point?

It's low, but it's not rock bottom.

Ay, baby, your ex-BFF
just shattered your dreams

and used those shards
to stab you in the back,

leaving you to emotionally bleed out.

How is that not rock bottom?

- Well, when you put it that way...
- [sighs]

Which is why I need to stay here
and help you process the fact

that he m*rder*d you out there.

Okay, that's a little extreme.

So was what Jamal did.

Let me call my cousin Beto
to watch my dad.

You really don't have to.

Yes, I do.

Baby, you may not be at rock bottom now,

pero you're on your way.

That's what I was afraid of.

[sad music playing]

I was too harsh.

Or was I too harsh?

You know, maybe I'm being
too hard on myself.

Or not hard enough.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this
while I'm the only one talking.

Let's talk.

You know, like, get to know each other

'cause I don't know anything about you,
and I wanna know you.

Mmm.

- I wanna understand who you are, Ashley.
- Aaliyah.

- Oh my God.
- [Aaliyah sighs annoyingly]

Aaliyah.
See, this is what I'm talking about.

- I don't even know your name.
- [scoffs]

I used to have deep,
meaningful relationships.

And now I can't think of one relationship
where I feel understood or connected.

We were connected a little while ago,
but you asked me to stop.

I feel like everything in my life
is shallow and superficial.

Like I'm not tethered to anything.

Like my life is just
a series of meaningless encounters.

- You ever feel like that?
- [Aaliyah] Yes!

[gasps] I just hit 10K on TikTok!

♪ Down, down, drop it low ♪

♪ Movin' fast like a torpedo ♪

Do you mind giving me a ride?

Not at all.

Oh! No, not like that.

- Oh.
- Like in your car.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

[Ruby] I've never had a problem
putting him in his place before.

But I was in the fog of w*r
after the debate.

He attacked, and I retreated.

Baby, you gotta stop beating yourself up.

I'm not beating myself up anymore.

I'm gonna be beating him up! And down!

And sideways!

'Cause when I see him, oh, it's on.

Oh, you go, baby! You kick his a*s!

Verbally.
I'm talking verbal as*ault, not physical.

Of course. I'd kick his a*s,
but you'd probably lose.

- So yeah, stick with the verbal.
- Okay, not helpful, but here it goes.

First of all, Jamal,
short jokes are low-hanging fruit.

Yeah, 'cause even if it's true,
it's a cheap joke.

And, Jamal, Toxic Turner
is not a compliment

but rather a commentary on how
you've been acting for the last two years.

Agreed, but I will say
it was a clever spin on his part.

How the hell did he find out about
this threesome?

Uh... that girl doesn't even go
to our school.

If I didn't say something
and you didn't say something...

I may have said something.

- To Jamal?
- No, not Jamal!

But I had to tell someone.
It was eating away at me.

Oh, like I loved harboring a dark secret?

So maybe we should talk about it.

No, I don't wanna talk about it.

Now or ever.

You sure? You seem really defeated.

I'm good.

And you should go.

- What?
- Ugh!

Wow.

Nothing's changed.

Except for you, as*h*le.

Well, good to see you too.

[scoffs] So... uh... Ruby, I'm having a...

I'm having a victory party later.
I just wanted to extend an invite.

Why would we go?

To celebrate your two-week dream
of being president?

Whatever. I was trying to be nice.

Jas, can I speak to Jamal?

You don't tell people you're being nice.
You just are. And you aren't.

For the record,
Ruby would rather jerk off with sandpaper

than go to your lame-a*s party.

Ugh! Uh... Ruby, when can we talk?

He doesn't wanna talk to you.

You may be fooling everyone else,
but we know who you are.

Which includes being
a pathetic public debater

'cause short jokes, while funny,
are low-hanging fruit.

Toxic Turner is apropos
to how you've been acting.

So go to your party, chug your beers,
and slap each other's dicks, ya d*ck.

Okay, fine! Don't come to my party.

You're welcome.

I know. I verbally gummi-beared his a*s.

One, I don't know what that means,
and two, you're talking for me again.

I didn't get
to say anything I wanted to say.

But I said it for you.

It's not the same thing.

But he didn't even apologize.
He just invited you to a party.

I know, which is why I need to go
to that party and demand my apology.

- Fine, we can go.
- No!

I don't need your permission.

I'm going solo.

[door closes]

In a couple hours. When it's dark out.

'Cause that's when parties usually start.

[gasps]

Isn't this adorable?

It is adorable,

and I have no idea what it is.

A blanket.

To swaddle her
[in Spanish] like a little tortilla.

[in Spanish] Like a little burrito.

Are we really gonna
dress our kid up like a burrito?

A little on-the-head, no?

Why not um... a sushi roll?

- Or a gyro?
- [gasps]

- What? What?
- Oh my God! Oh my God!

She just kicked.

- [Isabel exhales]
- [sighs]

♪ Mama wants to dress you like a burrito ♪

[Oscar chuckles]

♪ But why can't you be a shishito? ♪

- [glass shattering]
- [Isabel gasps]

- [indistinct shouting]
- [Oscar breathing heavily]

Get the hell away from the window!
Get down!

- [banging]
- Stay here until I come back, okay?

[Oscar continues breathing heavily]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Hey, you didn't think I'd find out?

You don't think I can handle my own sh*t?
That I don't know what I'm doing?

That's not what I said.

No, what you said is
that I don't know how sh*t works.

[Cesar] That I don't see what's coming.

Let me ask you something,
[in Spanish] damn clown.

You see this coming?

It's time to mind your own business.
Good luck in Portland.

Cesar...

this isn't who you are.

You don't know who I am.

You're no longer a Santo.

This isn't your world anymore.

Yeah.

I'm getting that message loud and clear.

Step off.

You heard me.

Step... off.

Is that a threat?

No.

It's a warning.

Next time,

it won't be the car.

[indistinct Spanish chattering]

[upbeat music playing]

[crowd chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug...

♪ Ain't nobody party like we do ♪

♪ Way more wavy like a Sea Doo ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ Engine in the trunk
The roof see through ♪

♪ If you in the place, we don't see you ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ Ain't nobody party like we do ♪

[Jaxon] This is lame.

Right? Are you feelin' it?

- Totally.
- So lame, like... what's the point?

The point is
lame beer still gets you drunk.

I gotta give it up to ya.

First MVP, now class president.

Proud to call you my best friend.

- Really?
- [Jaxon] Yeah, man.

I would do anything for you.

Yeah? You would take a b*llet for me?

Hell yeah.

Why?

'Cause you're my bro, man.

The closest thing I have to a brother.

And I have two.

- Would you ever k*ll someone for me?
- Lock-and-load.

- Tsk.
- Let's do this.

You would really do that?

No. [snickers]

[exhales deeply] Wow.
This is a really deep conversation.

It is?

- I feel like I really know you.
- What's my middle name?

That is a trick question.

You don't have one.

Hey, man. Where you going?

I gotta apologize to my friend.

No, you don't, man. We're cool.

You may be cool, but I'm not.

And by the way, it's Terry.

Excuse me. Sorry.

♪ Ain't nobody party like we do ♪

♪ Way more wavy like a Sea Doo ♪

♪ Engine in the trunk... ♪

- What are you doing here?
- I'm celebrating.

But you're a never-Jamaler.

I'm celebrating... free drinks.

- Wait, what you doing here?
- Have you seen Jamal?

♪ Ain't nobody party like we do ♪

♪ Boy ♪

[Ruby sighs]

[Dwayne] Hey! Nobody in the house.

Ruby.

Been way too long. How are you?

I'm, uh... you know, good?

Never thought I'd see you here
after the election.

- I never thought I'd be here.
- Hmm.

But... uh... [gulps]

I need to tell your son...
how much of an as*h*le he is.

[sighs]

Please. And while you're at it,
check his friends too.

- Oh, you mean his hype squad?
- No, more like his sh*t squad.

Why do these kids feel the need
to treat my bathroom like a Home Depot?

And the size of the poop.

My God, it's like a fiber fest.

If it was you or Cesar or Monse,
I wouldn't give a sh*t. Pun not intended.

But they give so many shits.
I can't help but give one.

- No respect.
- You can say that again.

And if I get called "bro" or "bruh"
or "brother man" one more time,

I'm gonna lose it.

I am a grown-a*s man.

You know, I have other interests
besides football.

- How 'bout asking me about The Bachelor?
- Oh! Sounds therapeutic.

You have no idea.

I mean, his new friends are annoying,
rude-a*s toilet t*rrorists.

I miss my weird kid.

And I bet I'm not the only one.

Now go.

Scare him strange.

[screams]

Ruby's not home.

Okay, I can see that.

- [in Spanish] So get out of my sight.
- Uh...

But I'm having a crisis of conscience,
and I wanted to put my mind at ease.

I need to apologize.

Go on.

[Abuelita chuckles]

I don't understand
how this has gotten so out of hand.

How this has gone on so long.

Too long. It feels like a cold w*r.

This is not the way you treat
one of your best friends.

Or a rabid dog!

We've been through so much together...
from RollerWorld to money laundering.

[Abuelita chuckles]

I mean, I'm the only one he trusts
to clean out his porn drawer.

- His? This isn't about me?
- No, I'm talking about Ruby.

- [in Spanish] Son of a b*tch!
- But...

Abuelita.

Oh sh*t.

I totally forgot about you.

No sh*t!

Now screw off!

Forgive me. I've been a real...

Douchebag! Scumbag.

No! Shitbag!

Fine! I've been all of the bags.

But with Ruby and I on the outs,

I just didn't feel right
about reaching out to you.

It's not like you
were blowing me up either.

I couldn't exactly call you.

- That would be inappropriate.
- Why?

It's not like
you were sending me pink pics.

- It's like d*ck pics, but for chicks.
- I know.

I invented them.

- [gasps]
- Jamal, why did you become such a jerk?

Because I had to!

I'm telling you, Monse,
you are so lucky you aren't here.

Ruby and Jasmine blew me off again.

And when we do hang out
on that rare occasion,

- they just cut me off...
- [phone disconnects]

[grunts, snorts]

- [phone ringing]
- [Monse] It's Monse. You know what to do.

Huh! Where was I?

Oh yeah. I'm feeling like a third wheel,
and this ride is making me nauseous.

They talk over me, around me, behind me.

It's like I'm in no-man's-land.

The other day, Jasmine was all up
in my face, talking all this sh*t,

and Ruby didn't have my back.

Again!

- [phone disconnects]
- Huh?

sh*t!

[sighs]

- [phone vibrates]
- Ha!

Finally! Monse, girl.

I'm having a crisis, and you're AWOL.
I'mma give you a pass this time, but you...

- [phone static]
- Hello?

- [Monse] I'm getting sick of him, Sherry.
- Hello?

- [Monse] It's never-ending.
- [Sherry] Then tell him.

- Tell me what? Monse?
- [Monse] You know the answer to that.

- [Monse] Let's not play that game.
- Monse?

[Monse] He's so annoying.
It's not fair to keep piling on me.

I have a life. It's like, dude, chill.

[Sherry] You've been complaining about him
for a while.

- You gotta say something.
- [Monse] It'll just make things worse.

He's so annoying.
And in a weird way, I feel sorry for him.

He's stuck
in this total arrested development,

like some weird eight-year-old.

[Sherry] Yeah.

[sad music playing]

[scoffs]

Why didn't you tell me this?

I assumed you were on Ruby's side.

[scoffs] Jamal!

When have I ever taken Ruby's side?

You know, your problem isn't Ruby.
Or Monse.

Yeah, I know.

It's Jasmine.

What are you doing?

[chuckles] It's gonna be a long night.

♪ La da di da di, I'm a walking party ♪

♪ I'm just gettin' started
Sorry, I'm not sorry ♪

♪ Ooh, I think I like it... ♪

Hey, bruh, where can I get my combo?

[Dwayne] "Presidential special?"

♪ Front and center
Never hold a prom queen... ♪

Jamal!

You really won't let this go, will you?

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Fine.

Let's do this... right now!

Let's talk about
how you wanted a threesome.

How you thought it'd be best
for our relationship

because you always think
you know what's best.

Okay, sorry I suggested a threesome.
Worst girlfriend ever.

It's not even like we had sex.
All I did was make out with her.

I know! I was there.

Yeah, for, like, a minute.
And then you ran off.

- I thought this is what we both wanted.
- Again, there you go. Thinking for me.

Ruby, calm down.

- Oh my God, you're freezing.
- I'm not freezing!

Okay, but your n*pples say otherwise.

You don't speak for my n*pples. I do.

Why are you here?
I said I wanted to roll solo.

In case sh*t pops off.
No one's touching my man.

I can handle myself.

But what I can't handle is this.

Us.

- Excuse me?
- This.

You.

It's too much.

It's like you're a weighted blanket.

And at first, it's comforting.

And then it's smothering.

Smothering?

I thought what you wanted
was a girlfriend. A partner.

A ride-or-die.

And sometimes I do want a ride,
but other times I wanna park.

And sometimes
I wanna get out of the car and walk.

What? You're not making any sense.

Yes, I am.

To me.

I don't have to make sense to you.

And that's the problem.

I didn't think I'd lose the "me" in "we."

[whimpering] So what are you saying?

[Isabel] Don't do this.

He destroyed our car,
and you're blaming yourself.

[Oscar] I broke the code
when I went to Sad Eyes.

There's no code. You talk about it
like there's some sense of honor or valor.

You didn't grow up in my world.

When you came in the hospital that night
after getting jumped and beaten

within an inch of your life,
where was the code then?

Hell, where was your brother?

I couldn't understand
why he didn't come to see you.

I thought maybe you were the reason
why he didn't come.

But now I know he is. We're done.

No. I gotta go hash this sh*t out
with him now.

Don't do this.

[both breathing heavily]

I saw a side of you
I never wanna see again.

He brought that out of you.

I want Oscar, not Spooky.

Goddammit! You're holding
onto someone who isn't there.

But you know who is?

[in Spanish] Your daughter.

I'm so sorry.

[both breathing heavily]

[chuckling]

[growls]

You snuck up on me.

I am so glad we're cool again.

I never said that.

Oh, don't play coy with me, woman.
You know you miss this.

- Nah.
- [laughing] Yeah.

[both laughing]

[Abuelita] Ooh!

- What are you doing here?
- What were you not doing here?

I went to your party.
To demand an apology.

Oh. Okay.

I'm sorry.

[splutters] Pretending to be sorry
when you're not sorry.

You don't know
what you're apologizing for.

What should I be apologizing for?

Oh, I don't know.

How about the fact
that you completely humiliated me

in front of the whole school?

Oh, co... Let's be honest,
it was not the whole school.

Most people were watching
the magic show in the gym. But I'm sorry.

- Your turn.
- [Ruby] My turn?

[Jamal] To apologize to me
for the past two years.

- For shutting me out.
- [Abuelita] Oh!

For making Jasmine your plus-one
and subtracting me.

You know, there's only so many times
one can be a third wheel

before the wheel falls off.

It wasn't Jasmine's fault.
You didn't give her a chance.

Me? I've known her my whole life.

Yeah, but you haven't really gotten
to know her.

I wasn't given the chance
to give her a chance.

You two were all about each other.

And I sure as hell
wasn't gonna get to know her

as she was giving you a handy
underneath that blanket.

And, yeah, I saw it.

[Abuelita clears throat]

- Are we grossing you out?
- No.

But now I need
to go take care of something.

- Where's the remote?
- Oh!

- Why?
- I need batteries.

Ugh!

[door closes]

Why couldn't you be happy
that I had a girlfriend?

I was happy for you when you were
in the bone zone with Kendra.

I was happy.

But as time went by,
I was totally isolated.

We canceled Cesar,
Monse went off to school,

you had Jasmine, and I had no one.

Okay, that's a bit of hyperbole.
You're the most popular person in school.

Ha! You can know everyone
and still know no one.

I went from being alone to being... lonely.

'Cause no one knows me like you do, Ruby.

And the truth is...

[Jamal exhales]

I miss you.

I miss you too, compa.

I'm sorry.

I got lost in the sauce.

I should've been a better friend.

I should've made more of an effort
with Jasmine. And I will.

We broke up.

You wanna talk about it?

[Ruby sighs]

So whatcha been up to the past two years,
besides getting handies?

[chuckles]

- Boning.
- Ooh!

Me too! Did you know
there are six types of vaginas?

Continue.

Okay, well, you've got your Barbie,

your Mrs. Puffs, your Peekaboo,
not to be confused with the Hide-and-Seek,

the Picasso,

and the Queef Latifah.

[mouth farting]

You mean seven. You left out the Dangler.

- [exclaiming]
- It's real.

Do tell.

Okay, you know when you're, like, shocked.

[Ruby laughing]

Yeah? Oh my God.

You know how belly buttons
have innies and outies?

- This is an outie.
- [both laughing]

♪ ...in your eyes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hopefully, I'll see you later tonight ♪

♪ My friends all dragged me
Out of my room ♪

♪ So maybe you should come
And I'll see you ♪

♪ Got that little quirk up in your smile ♪

♪ You look like you could take me
For a while ♪

♪ Right ♪

♪ I don't even want to take this chance ♪

♪ But I gotta stop sliding
Through the DM's ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Way back, we go way back ♪

♪ Way back, baby ♪

♪ Way back, we go way back ♪

♪ Way back ♪

♪ Oh, way back ♪

♪ We go way back ♪

♪ Way back, baby, way back ♪

♪ We go way back, way back ♪